- 12 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E6
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TVTranscript
00:00.
01:03This is an SOS distress school from the mining ship Red Wharf.
01:06The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
01:10The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster,
01:14and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
01:17Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved
01:22from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
01:27We have enough food to last 30,000 years, but we've only got one after eight mint left.
01:33And everyone's too polite to take it.
01:37You see, astro-navigation and invisible numbers and engineering structure made simple.
01:44That's Rimmers.
01:47Aha! The pop-up Kama Sutra!
01:52Zero gravity edition? That's mine!
01:59Arnold J. Rimmer, a tribute. What's this?
02:02It's a video of my death.
02:05You videoed your death?
02:07Holly did it for me.
02:08You're very strange, Rimmer.
02:10What's so strange? You have videos of weddings and births?
02:13Sort of, do you have a few people round, give them a sherry and invite them to watch your snuffing?
02:18Lister, my death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me.
02:22Just stick it in the trunk and shut up.
02:25Weird.
02:26What about these posters?
02:27Oh, they're mine.
02:29I know, but the blue tack is mine.
02:32You want to take the blue tack?
02:34Well, it is mine. I did pay for it with my money.
02:36Oh, does one of your old toenail clippings under the bed put that in two, shall I?
02:40Ah, Lister, this is the best decision I ever made.
02:43No more you and your stupid, annoying face.
02:45No more you and your stupid, annoying habits.
02:48Me?
02:48What did I do?
02:50You hummed.
02:52Maliciously and persistently for two years.
02:54Every time I sat down to do some revision...
02:58Hang on, hang on.
02:59You're trying to say you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
03:03Obviously not just that, Lister.
03:05Everything, everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
03:09Like what?
03:09Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
03:13I didn't know.
03:15I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
03:19Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable,
03:22so instead of taking my engineering finals, I went swimming.
03:25The symbols fell off.
03:26I thought I'd put them back in the right place.
03:29Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly?
03:32Come on.
03:35That was a joke?
03:37Yes, Lister.
03:37The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
03:44It's not all in one way, you know, Rimmer.
03:46You hardly miss the nice guy, Mr. Easy to live with.
03:49What are you talking about?
03:50I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night.
03:53Learn Esperanto while you sleep.
03:56Learn quantum theory while you sleep.
03:59We both got the same benefit.
04:00Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.
04:03What about the time you tied me hair to the bedpost and then sat under the fire alarm?
04:07Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me.
04:10I don't have to explain it.
04:11I nearly needed brain surgery.
04:14What brains?
04:14The point is you've always stopped me being successful.
04:17That's a scientific fact.
04:18Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
04:22Oh, yes, I can.
04:22See, it's always the same.
04:25You never have the right to the pens for your genie drawing.
04:28Your dividers don't stretch far enough.
04:30Well, they don't.
04:31See, in the end you can't turn round and say,
04:34I'm sorry I buggered up my life, it's all Lister's fault.
04:37Well, I'm not, am I?
04:38I'm moving out, out of Slob City and into Successville.
04:43What, you mean next door?
04:44It's not the place, Lister, it's the company.
04:47I'm about to share my life with someone who will give me encouragement and understanding,
04:51the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.
04:54Everything tickety-boo?
04:56Absolute want, Mr. Rimmer.
04:57I'll be along with lickety-split.
05:01Carry on.
05:08What a guy.
05:09I just don't know why I didn't think of this before.
05:11A duplicate meal is...
05:12Yeah, yeah.
05:14That's what I just do for you.
05:15Be very careful with that.
05:17It's an antique.
05:18It's absolutely priceless.
05:27Gosh, I just said that.
05:48Did you really?
05:49That's incredible.
05:50What a lovely story.
05:52Why have you got no smoking signs up when neither of you smoke?
05:57Because they're our no smoking signs and we happen to think they look rather striking.
06:01Whoa!
06:03What's all this?
06:05Arnold's tops with us.
06:06I owe it all to Rimmer.
06:08Arnie does it best.
06:09This is very funny stuff.
06:11Oh, just go.
06:13I mean, because your name's Arnold Rimmer, and even though these headlines are about other
06:17people, you've cut them out and put them on the wall so people will think they're about
06:21you.
06:22Shoo, shoo, shoo.
06:23Go on, out.
06:24This joke's going to keep me laughing all through the winter.
06:27Listen, we don't have to take this anymore.
06:28We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that
06:32set off the sprinkler system.
06:33We don't have to take our new quarters, too.
06:36Bye-bye, Rimmer.
06:37No, sorry.
06:39Bye-bye.
06:39Bye-bye, Rimmer-Rimmer.
06:46Goint.
06:50Oh!
06:51Hey, I'm looking so good today.
06:54If I looked any better, I'd be illegal.
06:59Hello, hello.
07:01Testing, testing.
07:02One, one, one.
07:03Nee, me, me.
07:04Attention all, lady cats.
07:06I am feeling very, very sexy.
07:09Can you hear me, lady cats?
07:11My body is available.
07:14Please form a cue.
07:16No squabbling.
07:17This is your lucky day.
07:19Mmm.
07:20Na-na-na.
07:23Ecstasy.
07:25Na-na-na-na-na-na.
07:27Na-na-na-na-na-na.
07:29We're talking mega ecstasy bliss.
07:33I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like.
07:38I'm a free man.
07:41And you see those socks.
07:44You see them.
07:45They're going right where they belong.
07:48All over the floor, where any self-respecting bachelor would keep them.
07:53I'm going to have the bottom bunk, the big bunk.
07:58And I'm going to leave the top of the shampoo.
08:01And I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle.
08:07In fact, I'm going to do all the things that grow from the bonkers.
08:11I'm going to crack me knuckles.
08:13I'm going to grind me teeth.
08:16I'm going to live for a change.
08:18Yes!
08:21Oh, smeg in hell.
08:30What?
08:32What's this?
08:34Video of Rima's death.
08:37Holly, get us some popcorn and put the video on for us, would you?
08:41Oh, I can just about manage that, I suppose.
08:48VSC? SSC? What's that?
08:52Bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate. He's a total lunatic.
08:57Hello. This video pays homage to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing.
09:03Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments,
09:07there's going to be a lengthy tribute interspersed with poetry readings read by me.
09:12Whoa, spin on!
09:15Poetry in motion.
09:18And if it hadn't been for those people who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back...
09:24Spin on!
09:27If you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.
09:32Spin on!
09:35We see the final moments of Arnold J. Rimmer.
09:39Yes!
09:41Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer. You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate.
09:47I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences.
09:52Emergency. There's an emergency going on.
09:55It's still going off.
09:57Long River. Please hurry to White Corridor 159.
10:00Gaspacho soup!
10:01Emergency announcement.
10:07Off.
10:10Gaspacho soup?
10:12Why would his last words, Gaspacho soup?
10:14Attention, Lady Cat! Sensual emergency! Good loving needed bad!
10:21Hey, no girls here? What a waste of a good move!
10:26Shame! I'm looking so dangerous, too!
10:29Wow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
10:32Cat!
10:33Huh?
10:33What are you doing?
10:35I'm courting.
10:38Courting who?
10:40Whoever shows up!
10:41Told you before, there's no other cats on board.
10:45If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy!
10:47Ow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
11:00Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch!
11:03Stretch further!
11:04And rest!
11:05No! Keep jumping!
11:06Absolutely! Keep on going!
11:07Keep the pain barrier!
11:08Jump, jump, jump!
11:10And rest!
11:11What are you doing, man?
11:12I'm resting! It's going all grey!
11:13That's the pain barrier! Beat it!
11:15You're right! You're absolutely right! Keep it going!
11:17And rest!
11:18Ah, brilliant!
11:19That extra little bit, that's what it's all about!
11:21What time do we get up?
11:23Oh, early, half past eight.
11:24No, earlier than that, seven.
11:26How about six?
11:27No, half past four.
11:30It's the middle of the night.
11:32You wanted driving, I'm driving you.
11:34Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right.
11:37Holly, alarm call, 4.30 in the morning.
11:38Make it the sonic boom, extra loud emergency one.
11:41Yes, Arnold. And Arnold?
11:42Er, what are you doing, Arnold?
11:44I'm going to bed, Arnold.
11:46But it's two in the morning!
11:48You could get in a couple of hours' revision easily.
11:50But I'm getting up in a minute.
11:53You take porous circuits and Esperanto.
11:55I'll take thermal energy and the history of philosophy.
11:58Fantastic! This is what I always dreamed of.
12:00I'm in heaven!
12:01Better than six.
12:05It's 4.30. Here is your early morning alarm call.
12:15That's the way. Smooth and even, up and down.
12:20Ah, Mr. Bonon Matanon. Didn't wake you, I trust?
12:24No, I haven't been to bed yet.
12:26But it's five past five in the morning. It's practically lunchtime.
12:30What are you doing?
12:33It's called work, Lister. I didn't think he'd recognise it.
12:36W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.
12:38Come on, paint! Paint, paint, paint!
12:40But why are they painting the corridor the same colour it was before?
12:43They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey.
12:46Something that should have been done a long time ago.
12:48Looks exactly the same to me.
12:50No, no, no, no.
12:53That's the new military grey bit there.
12:55And that's the dowdy old nasty ocean grey bit there.
13:00Or is it the other way round?
13:02It doesn't matter, Rimmer. It's very nice.
13:04So how's Mrs. Rimmer?
13:06Tee-hee-hodle-ha.
13:08Why don't you just get back into your cesspit
13:10or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob?
13:13I just wondered what you talked about and that, you know.
13:16Millions of things, Lister.
13:18Apart from being a complete genius,
13:20that man happens to be a total delight.
13:21Has me in stitches all the time.
13:23But, I mean, he knows everything you know
13:25and you know everything he knows.
13:27So what do you talk about?
13:29We reminisce. Chew over old times.
13:31Past glories.
13:32Old girlfriends.
13:34Oh, you mean Yvonne Magruder?
13:36Don't say Yvonne Magruder as if she's the only one.
13:39Oh, go on then. Name one other girlfriend then.
13:41Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman
13:44to stoop to that kind of shower room mentality.
13:48All you need to know about Yvonne Magruder is...
13:50I gave her one.
13:53Fine. Very nice. Very, very nice.
13:56So, erm...
13:58What's gazpacho soup?
14:00What?
14:01It's just the day of your last words and I wondered why.
14:04You've been watching my death video, haven't you?
14:06That's private. It's for my enjoyment only.
14:10It just seems like such a strange thing to say.
14:12Gazpacho soup.
14:13Well, I'm sorry. I didn't have time to sit down
14:15and bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.
14:18I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.
14:21But why gazpacho soup?
14:23That Lister is something you will never ever know.
14:26Arnold, you asked me to remind you
14:28when it was time for your Esperanto revision.
14:30Thank you, Holly. You two carry on.
14:41A to Z of Red Dwarf.
14:46I thought so.
14:50My Diary by Arnold J. Remy.
14:54January the 1st, I have decided to keep a journal
14:57of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year.
14:59A daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command.
15:03So that perhaps one day
15:05other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment
15:07through these pages.
15:09There's my fond hope that one day
15:11this journal will take its place
15:12alongside Napoleon's war diaries
15:14and the memories of Julius Caesar.
15:19Next entry.
15:22July the 17th.
15:24Auntie Maggie's birthday.
15:31November the 25th.
15:34Gazpacho soup day.
15:36That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.
15:44He won't find that one.
15:47Not until he changes his boots.
15:50Oh!
15:51Did you see him clearly?
15:52Did you get a good look at his face?
15:54Could you spot him in a parade?
15:55I don't think so.
15:56I could have been anybody.
16:07Ten and three-quarter centimeters.
16:10Plus five for not breaking.
16:12And that is a big, big score.
16:14The Browns are going to have to do something
16:16quite sensational with their last bubble.
16:18Quiet, please.
16:19Busy, Dave?
16:21Well, yeah, I am actually.
16:23Oh, then you won't want to know about the two
16:25supra light-speed fighters that are tracking us.
16:29What?
16:29I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
16:31No, Holly, come on.
16:33They're from Earth.
16:34That's three million years away.
16:36They're from the Norweb Federation.
16:41What's that?
16:43The North Western Electricity Board.
16:45They want you, Dave.
16:47Me?
16:47Why?
16:48What for?
16:49For your crimes against humanity.
16:51You what?
16:52Seems when you left Earth three million years ago,
16:54you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
16:59Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
17:03Yeah, they got mouldy.
17:05Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface.
17:09Also, you left 17 pounds 50 pence in your bank account.
17:13Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth.
17:17And because you've hoarded it for three million years,
17:19nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.
17:23Why Norweb?
17:24You left a light on in the bathroom.
17:29I've got a final demand here for 180 billion pounds.
17:32180 billion pounds?!
17:35You're kidding!
17:36April Fool.
17:40But it's not April.
17:42Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot shape like that under me.
17:48So you just made it all up, then?
17:50Yeah, bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it?
17:53You can't beat a good wheeze, huh?
17:55I don't need a good wheeze.
17:57I can do all my excitement for meself.
17:59No, you can't.
18:00You haven't got a clue.
18:01You're useless.
18:02Shhh!
18:03Shut up! Lister will hear you!
18:04What's that?!
18:05I made you vomit!
18:07Keep your voice down!
18:08I'm not going to stand here and take this abuse!
18:10Oh yes, when the going gets tough, the tough going have a little cry in the corner.
18:16You've got a sponge for a backbone!
18:19No wonder Father hated you!
18:21That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!
18:24Then why didn't he send you to the academy?
18:26He couldn't afford it!
18:28Oh, he sent all our brothers!
18:30You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!
18:33Face facts, man!
18:34Nobody liked you!
18:35Not even Mummy!
18:37Mummy did like me!
18:38Mummy was just busy!
18:39She had a lot of meetings to go to!
18:42Twaddle!
18:43You'd better watch what you say about my Mummy!
18:45I'm a grown man and I'm not going to accept it!
18:46I'll grow up, Mr Gaspacho!
18:50Mr what?
18:51I said, Mr Gaspacho!
18:54Diffy!
18:56That is the most obscenely hurtful thing.
18:59Good!
18:59That's the straw that broke the dromedary, that is.
19:02You're finished, Rimmer.
19:04Now you're finished, Rimmer!
19:14Ah!
19:14Ah, Lister.
19:16How are you?
19:18I'm tickety-boo.
19:20What do you want?
19:22I don't suppose you managed to get that blue tack together for me, have you?
19:26Rimmer, it's 3am!
19:28It doesn't matter, it can wait till the morning.
19:30I'm just going to sleep here, okay, till you're ready.
19:34Everything all right, is it?
19:36Sure!
19:37Absolutely, yeah, sure.
19:39No problems then?
19:41No, no, no.
19:42Things couldn't be hunky-dory-er.
19:45It's just what I thought I heard, you know, erm...
19:49raised voices.
19:51It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it, having a blazing row with yourself.
19:57Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall!
19:59Come on! Yeah! Yeah!
20:02Can you shut up, Rimmer? Some of us are trying to sleep!
20:06Obviously, we have professional disagreements.
20:09But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
20:12Shut up, you dead git!
20:16Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?
20:22Stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum!
20:26I am!
20:32Lister, there's no point in concealing it any more.
20:35Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff.
20:39Nothing major, but it goes without saying,
20:42it was his fault!
20:56Miles from Earth? Deep in the heart of the solar system?
20:59And you fancy a curry?
21:01Then why not drop in at the Titan Taj Mahal Indian restaurant?
21:05Enjoy the finest tandoori cuisine at one-fifth gravity.
21:09Just a short space walk from this cinema.
21:17Shut up!
21:18Oh, will you stop doing that?
21:19I'm trying to watch the film!
21:21I'm only eating?
21:22No, eating's when the food goes in your mouth!
21:29Yeah.
21:30That's it?
21:30Yeah.
21:31What's on?
21:33Awesome Well, Citizen Kane.
21:35Er, there's no smoking on this side, you should be sitting over there.
21:39Nobody's complaining!
21:41Yes they are, I am.
21:42So would you kindly move to the proper designated smoking area
21:45for the convenience of other patrons?
21:49I thought you hated films.
21:51Me?
21:51No, did a film course at night school.
21:54Citizen Kane, eh?
21:55That's...
21:56That's Orson Welles.
21:57Er, that's Citizen Kane alright, unmistakable.
22:04Why are you here?
22:05Where's your wife?
22:06Don't ask me, he's nothing to do with me anymore.
22:09Last time I saw him he was redoing my paintwork,
22:12changing it from military grey back to ocean grey.
22:14He's quite, quite mad.
22:19Mr?
22:19Cat?
22:23Excuse me, I can't see.
22:25Shhh!
22:27Excuse me, I can't see through the back of your stupid curly haired, sticky out-eared head.
22:32Is that almost a film?
22:34Yeah!
22:34Move!
22:36Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random.
22:38If you're unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move.
22:41Right!
22:43Now, where shall I sit?
22:49No, that's a nice seat.
22:53Look at this, Mr. Maturity.
23:01Will you two guys just grow up?
23:04Two?
23:04I think there's only one immature person around here.
23:07We'll know who it is.
23:12Hello!
23:13What do you think of Arnold Rimmer?
23:19Look, this can't go on.
23:21One of you's has got to go.
23:22Yes, him.
23:24Look, it's crystal smegging clear which one of us has got to go.
23:26Yes, you!
23:27Look, I was here first.
23:29I nursed Listie through those early delicate days.
23:31Look, we are identical.
23:32We're exactly the same person.
23:34Only all mentally unstable.
23:36Ippy Dippy, my spaceshipy, on a course so true.
23:39Past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.
23:43Excellent.
23:43Excellent decision, Listie.
23:44Turn him off.
23:45And the one you end on is the one who stays, yeah?
23:47It's you, Rimmer.
23:48Wait a minute.
23:48Wait a minute.
23:49Just hold your horses.
23:50Hang on.
23:50It's your own fault, Rimmer.
23:52If you'd have given me Kachowski's hologram, none of this would have happened.
23:55You made the bed.
23:56You lie in it.
23:56Drive room, ten minutes.
23:59Drive room, five minutes.
24:03I don't believe it.
24:04I've been Ippy Dippy to death.
24:12I want you out.
24:14What have I said?
24:15Just out?
24:16There's precious little entertainment on this ship.
24:21I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?
24:24Out!
24:25Come on!
24:29Don't forget to write.
24:31You great Nancy.
24:39Lister.
24:41Fancy a drink?
24:43Oh, I didn't know you had any medals.
24:45What are they?
24:47Three years long service, six years long service, nine years long service, twelve years long service.
24:54Come on, just one drink.
24:57I'll have a whiskey.
24:58Holly, give him a whiskey.
24:59How would you like it?
25:01Straight.
25:02With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon.
25:08Another?
25:12And another.
25:16And another.
25:17Making it double.
25:22So, what's all this gazpacho soup business? What's it all about?
25:28I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you.
25:33Gazpacho soup.
25:35It was the greatest night of my life.
25:39I'd been invited to the captain's table.
25:41I'd only been with the company fourteen years.
25:48Six officers and me.
25:50They called me Arnold.
25:54We had gazpacho soup for starters.
25:58I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold.
26:03I called over the chef.
26:05And I told him to take it away and bring it back hot.
26:10He did.
26:12The looks on their faces still haunt me today.
26:16I thought they were laughing at the chef.
26:19When all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup.
26:27I never ate at the captain's table again.
26:30That was the end of my career.
26:32Oh, come on. Anyone could have made that mistake.
26:34If only they'd mentioned it in basic training.
26:38Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels.
26:42If only just once they'd said gazpacho soup is served cold.
26:46I could have been an admiral by now.
26:50Instead of a nothing.
26:52Which is what I am, let's face it.
26:54Oh, come on. You're not a nothing.
26:56He is.
26:57You're right.
26:58I know I'm right.
27:01I never got off the bottom rung.
27:03And do you know why?
27:05Because I didn't have the right knobby parents.
27:08I bet Todd Hunter was served gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids.
27:13No, I bet he was breastfed with it.
27:17One side gazpacho soup, the other side freely dispensing chilled champagne.
27:23Is this going to go on all day?
27:25I thought he was going to get wiped.
27:27Yes, go on. Turn me off. Go on. Turn me off. Get rid of me.
27:32I've already done it.
27:34I wiped the other one.
27:37What? You wiped...
27:39When?
27:40Just before you came in.
27:42And you let me stand here and bare my soul?
27:45Yeah.
27:47You see, I wanted to find out about gazpacho soup and I knew you wouldn't tell me.
27:52Well, of course I wouldn't tell you.
27:53You'd make my life a hell with gazpacho soup jokes for the rest of my life.
27:58Rime. I promise, I swear, I will never ever mention this conversation again.
28:04And when I swear, I mean it.
28:07You promise?
28:08I promise.
28:10You swear absolutely.
28:11I swear absolutely that I promise that I will never mention gazpacho soup again.
28:16All right.
28:18You're a bit of a slob, Lister, you know, but when it comes down to it, you keep your word.
28:23This time I'm going to believe you.
28:26Let's go for another drink.
28:29Soup-a?
28:30Soup-a?
28:30Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
28:36It's cold outside.
28:38There's no kind of atmosphere.
28:40I'm all alone.
28:41More or less.
28:43Let me fly.
28:45From the creek, it's near.
28:46One, one, one.
28:49In the sun, sun, sun.
28:52I want two lines, chips next to corn with toast
28:56Making fresh mango juice
28:59Goldfish shows, dribbling on my toes
29:03Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
29:10Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
29:22Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
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