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Tv, Red Dwarf II -Series 1-E11
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13:12It's beyond shady, it's surreal.
13:13Are these your mates, then?
13:14Yeah, it's Cat, Crichton and...
13:17Rimmie.
13:18Bruton tattoo, man!
13:20What's it stand for? Heavy metal?
13:21Yes, indeed.
13:22And him? What's happened to him? His face?
13:24It's grotesque, isn't it?
13:26Has he had an accident?
13:27Looks like he spent three weeks with his head jammed in the lift.
13:31It's totally shady.
13:32Just, like, sit down and shut up.
13:35So how'd you get him? What do you want?
13:36I've come to try and change our future.
13:38Change it? Aren't you happy being a rock star?
13:40Well, the constant demands of them groupies getting you down.
13:43Well, you don't make it as a rock star.
13:45That's impossible. It cannot be.
13:47How can I say this without giving offence?
13:49You don't make it cos...
13:51you're crap.
13:53Oh, and how would you know, grandad?
13:55You're too old to deceive what we're trying to transmit.
13:57I'm you, you dork.
13:58Too old and too crypto-fascist.
14:00Look, why don't you shut up and listen?
14:02I'm trying to make you rich.
14:03All you've got to do is go down to the patent office
14:05and register this as your invention.
14:08It's called a tension sheet.
14:09Uh-uh, that's immoral.
14:11That's Thickey Holden's invention.
14:12Uh-uh, was.
14:14This is just that stuff that uses packing paper,
14:16painted red with tension sheet printed on it.
14:18I know.
14:18It's a piece of crypto-fascist bourgeois crap.
14:21It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire.
14:24But I'm not into dosh.
14:25I hate money.
14:26I loathe possessions.
14:27It's just so...
14:28so crypto-fascist.
14:30Will you stop saying everything's crypto-fascist?
14:32It'll make me sound like I was a complete git.
14:36Look, I'm not breaking up the band.
14:38Music is me life.
14:39He's right.
14:40You can't make him give up his music.
14:42You heard the Om song.
14:43It's a masterpiece.
14:45See?
14:46But back off.
14:47I'm trying to give you a break.
14:49Oh, give up.
14:50The guy's an idiot.
14:52It's me.
14:54Exactly.
14:56I don't want a break.
14:57It's my future.
14:58I'll take my own chances, thanks.
15:00If you take your own chances,
15:01you'll wind up stuck on a spaceship
15:02with him, him, and him for the rest of eternity.
15:05You won't have a future.
15:08You think about it.
15:09Come on.
15:11You haven't got a copy of the Om song
15:13I could take back with me, have you?
15:15Throw him the car.
15:16Oh, what a pity.
15:17I just can't get it out of my head.
15:18It's so catchy.
15:19Om.
15:20Keep writing those hits, kid.
15:24Om.
15:26What a nice guy.
15:30Om.
15:31Oh.
15:34What now?
15:35Well, it'll take a few seconds
15:37for the timelines to sort themselves out,
15:38and then we'll see if it's worked.
15:40What's happening?
15:41I'm disappearing.
15:48What happened?
15:49Well, Lister altered the timelines
15:51and lived an entirely different life.
15:53Consequently, he didn't join Red Dwarf.
15:55Consequently, the cat race never existed,
15:57and we never rescued Crichton.
15:59So they've disappeared too.
16:01So it's just you and me?
16:03For the rest of eternity.
16:05No thanks.
16:06Find him and bring him back.
16:17Anything?
16:18Got him.
16:19And?
16:20Tension sheet inventor of Dave Lister, age 17.
16:24Damn!
16:25And he died tragically in a plane crash, age 98.
16:2998?
16:30His own fault, apparently.
16:31He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane.
16:36Have you got any photographs?
16:38Well, not of that, no.
16:41No, I mean so I can go in and bring him back.
16:44Well, there's only one picture reference,
16:45but you're not going to like it.
16:47Put it on.
16:49Now the show that shows the stairway to the stars.
16:51Here's plays!
16:52Hello.
16:53And welcome to the lifestyles of the disgustingly rich and famous.
16:57Tonight we'll be looking at the world's youngest billionaire,
17:00Mr. Dave Tension Sheet Lister.
17:02Behind me, Mr. Lister's English mansion.
17:05He had the whole building transported brick by brick
17:08from half a mile down the road just to get away from the neighbors.
17:11Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs.
17:15The gravel and his drive came from Buckingham Palace.
17:18Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive.
17:22This man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat Wales to death.
17:28He calls his home Xanadu not in reference to the famous movie Citizen Kane,
17:32but as a tribute to the hit single by Dave D. Dozy, Beaky, Nick, and Dick.
17:37But Dave has musical aspirations of his own.
17:40Only last year, his first single, Ohm, shot to number one
17:44when he personally purchased three million copies.
17:47You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house.
17:50But like many people who appear to have everything,
17:53Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.
17:56Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
17:59Now on to Dr. Bob Forkman,
18:02father of the condom that calls you back.
18:04Breeze, I've seen enough.
18:05What do you want to do?
18:07I'm going in.
18:08I'm going in to rescue him.
18:11Rescue him?
18:12It's my duty.
18:14My duty as a complete and utter bastard.
18:45Mr. Lister, sir, what an utter delight, sir, it is to welcome you home.
18:49You've been my man.
18:51You're looking bad, baby.
18:53Indeed.
18:53You're my mean, mean, mean, mean man.
18:57Woo!
18:57Woo!
19:01For the cash.
19:08I am most awfully sorry about the statue, sir.
19:11The contractors still haven't devised a way of making it
19:14urinate champagne into the courtyard,
19:16although I am assured that it will be fully functional
19:20for the royal visit this weekend.
19:22Oh, get out of town!
19:24This is going to slay him!
19:25Indeed, sir.
19:27I'm only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself.
19:30Well, almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety.
19:44I told Daddy today.
19:46About us, I mean.
19:47And how did the old codger take it?
19:49Well, not terribly well, actually.
19:51He perched himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine
19:55and shouted,
19:56Poor!
19:58For Madam Lobster à la Grecq.
20:01For sir,
20:02a sausage and onion gravy sandwich on white bread
20:05with a glass of sterilised milk.
20:09We used to live on these when I was in the band.
20:12As requested, sir.
20:13It was helicoptered in this morning
20:15from Luigi's Fish and the Chip Emporium.
20:17An artist beyond comparison, sir.
20:22Excuse me, sir,
20:24but a gentleman appears to have appeared
20:26in the corner of the room.
20:28Misty, it's me.
20:30It's me, Rimmer.
20:32Rimsy, Arnie, Rimmer.
20:33Arnie, old iron balls.
20:36Rimmer, Rimmer.
20:38Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir.
20:41Have we met?
20:42Have we met?
20:44We're like brothers.
20:45We were shipmates, Red Dwarf.
20:49You don't remember, do you?
20:50Remember what?
20:51Of course you don't remember.
20:53It hasn't happened, has it?
20:55What hasn't happened?
20:56Sabrina Mulhollinger-Jones.
20:58Yes?
20:59The Sabrina Mulhollinger-Jones?
21:01Model, best-selling novelist
21:02and international jet-setter?
21:04Yeah, she's me bed.
21:06She's me bed.
21:08You talk about the Duke of Lincoln's
21:10eldest daughter as me bed.
21:12Gilbert, can you escort Mr Rimmer to the door?
21:15Oh, but I've come here to save you.
21:17Throw him out, Gilbert.
21:18He's a nutter.
21:19You care to step this way, sir?
21:21But we were friends.
21:22We were buddies.
21:23Let's not have a scene, sir.
21:25You call this happiness?
21:27Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants?
21:30Living with a love goddess, sex-bomb model megastar?
21:33You call this contentment?
21:34You know, I stand here now
21:36and I look at the two of us
21:37and I ask one simple question.
21:40Who is the rich man?
21:42You, with your 58 houses,
21:43your private island in the Bahamas,
21:45your multi-billion-pound business empire,
21:48or me, with...
21:51with...
21:52with what I've got?
21:57It's you, isn't it?
21:59Yes, it's all very clear to me now.
22:01You, richer and happier.
22:03This way, sir.
22:07I should have thought a bit harder
22:08about that speech, really.
22:10I copied that a bit, didn't I?
22:15Any luck?
22:17Useless.
22:18Didn't listen.
22:19Didn't even recognise me.
22:21Just thought I was some neurotic,
22:22deranged, crazy madman.
22:24Sure he didn't recognise you.
22:26Wait a tension-popping minute.
22:29If Lister can do it,
22:30why can't I?
22:31These photographs,
22:32there's one somewhere here
22:34of me at boarding school,
22:35aged eight.
22:36I can invent a tension sheet before him.
22:38I can get there first.
22:40But then you'll disappear
22:41and become incredibly wealthy,
22:42and Lister will be sent
22:43hurtling back through time.
22:45Yes, and the Cat and Crichton
22:47will be brought back into existence.
22:48True, as a by-product,
22:50I'll become mega-rich
22:51and be forced to have constant sex
22:53with that J. Jones woman.
22:55But that's a sacrifice
22:56I'm prepared to make.
22:59Polly, torch.
23:20Psst, wake up.
23:22What?
23:22What is it?
23:24I don't know.
23:26Look, don't be afraid.
23:27I'm going to make you rich.
23:30All you've got to do
23:30is listen very, very carefully.
23:34Right, this is the plan.
23:36You are going to invent
23:37a thing called
23:38the tension sheet.
23:40Tension sheet?
23:41T-t-tension.
23:42Tension sheet.
23:43Will you shut up
23:43and try to talk to the kid?
23:45Are you listening?
23:46They're little sheets of paper
23:48with lots of air bubbles in them.
23:49Like you're getting packing paper.
23:50Look, do you mind, Holden?
23:52This is a private conversation.
23:53Go back to sleep.
23:55They're exactly the same
23:56as the ones you get in
23:58packing paper.
23:59But you paint them red.
24:01Why red?
24:02Because it helps people relax.
24:04Will you shut up?
24:04I'm trying to make the kid rich.
24:08You'd write better
24:08if you took off
24:09your boxing gloves.
24:13Now, have you got all that?
24:14I think so.
24:15First thing tomorrow,
24:16take the idea
24:17to the patent office.
24:18I can't.
24:19Not first thing in the morning.
24:21I've got extra rugby practice
24:22because I'm so wet.
24:26All right, lunchtime.
24:27Take it at lunchtime, okay?
24:30I've got to go now.
24:34Oi.
24:35Don't mess this up.
24:37No, sir.
24:44Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.
24:46If I were a rich man.
24:48Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
24:51Work, then, did it?
24:53Holly, though it pains me dearly,
24:54I'll be having to say
24:55ta-ta.
24:56Ta-ta to your stupid, gormless face.
24:59Ta-ta poverty.
25:00Ta-ta failure.
25:01Hello, Sabrina.
25:02Hello, sexual ecstasy.
25:04Ah, here they come.
25:07Bang on time.
25:09Well, gentlemen,
25:10just enough time for me to say
25:12toodley-pipsky.
25:13I'll be disappearing any moment now.
25:16What happened?
25:17Here it comes.
25:19Any moment.
25:21What's he talking about?
25:24Any moment.
25:26Any moment now.
25:30It hasn't worked.
25:31According to my data bank,
25:33you didn't invent the tension sheet.
25:34It was invented by a gentleman
25:36named Thickey Holden.
25:38What?
25:39All you've gone and done
25:40is put things back
25:41exactly as they were.
25:43Why does nothing ever
25:45go right for me?
25:46Every time I get so much
25:47as a snifter of a break,
25:49a glimpse of a shadow
25:51of happiness,
25:52something inexplicably cruel
25:53and horrible happens
25:54and it all blows up
25:55in my face.
25:57Hang on a mo.
25:57Something is different.
25:59Don't ask me why,
26:00but somehow you're no longer
26:01a hologram.
26:01you're alive.
26:03What?
26:10I'm alive!
26:13I'm alive!
26:17I'm alive!
26:19Crichton,
26:21unpack Rachel
26:22and get out
26:23the puncture repair kit.
26:25I'm alive!
26:31I'm alive!
26:33I can feel,
26:34I can fondle,
26:35I'm alive!
26:36Don't you think it's incredible?
26:38I am alive!
26:44What was he saying?
26:48It's cold outside,
26:50there's no kind of atmosphere,
26:52I'm all alone,
26:54more or less,
26:56let me fly,
26:57far away from here,
26:59fun, fun, fun,
27:02it's my sun, sun, sun.
27:05I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,
27:09drinking fresh mango juice,
27:13goldfish shells nibbling at my toes,
27:16fun, fun, fun,
27:19in the sun, sun, sun.
27:22Fun, fun, fun,
27:25in the sun, sun, sun.
27:28I want to lie shipwrecked and with you all!
27:33I want to lie shipwrecked and with you all!
27:38I want to lie shipwrecked and with you all!
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