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Tv, Red Dwarf V -Series 1 (Main Feature)5
Red Dwarf is a British science fiction comedy programme created by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor that originally aired on BBC Two from 1988 to 1999, and was revived by Dave airing from 2009 to 2020. The programme follows low-ranking technician Dave Lister, who awakens after being in suspended animation for three million years to find that he is the last living human, and that he is alone on the mining spacecraft Red Dwarf—except for a hologram of his deceased bunkmate Arnold Rimmer and "Cat", a life form which evolved from Lister's pregnant cat.

The cast included Chris Barrie as Rimmer, Craig Charles as Lister, Danny John-Jules as Cat, Robert Llewellyn as the sanitation droid Kryten, and Norman Lovett & Hattie Hayridge as the ship's computer, Holly.

Twelve series of the show have aired (including one miniseries), in addition to a feature-length special The Promised Land. Four novels were published from 1989 to 1996. Two pilot episodes of an American version of the show were produced but never aired. The magazine The Red Dwarf Smegazine was published from 1992 to 1994.

In 1994 an episode from the sixth series, "Gunmen of the Apocalypse", won an International Emmy Award in the Popular Arts category. In the same year, the series was also awarded Best BBC Comedy Series at the British Comedy Awards. The series attracted its highest ratings, of more than eight million viewers, during the eighth series, in 1999.

The revived series on Dave had some of the highest ratings for non–Public Service Broadcasting commissions in the UK. Series XI was voted Best Returning TV Sitcom and Comedy of the Year for 2016 by readers for the British Comedy Guide. In a 2019 ranking by Empire, Red Dwarf came 80th on a list of the 100 best TV shows of all time.

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Transcript
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00:45Thomas Allman.
00:47Thomas Allman.
00:49Thomas Allman, you have been found unworthy of having existed.
00:52Is that you, Mother?
00:54.
00:55.
00:55?
00:59The void you occupied in the space time continuum will be allocated to a person
01:05who was never given the gift of life.
01:08.
01:08.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:09.
01:10.
01:10Time more wisely
01:13Why me there must be others who live worthless lives all
01:24Just complete all that remains to do each physical form
01:32Sorry, Mr. Bussar reality control
01:47Coffee, sir, double caffeinated quadruple sugar. Nice one. Ah, Virgil's Aeneid. Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen
01:55of Troy
01:56The most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment. It's the comic book version
02:03It's good, though, man. It's absolutely full of history
02:06Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed, you Trojan pig dog, ginyar, kersplat
02:11I see they've remained faithful to the original text. I'm sure Virgil would have approved
02:16Crichton don't discourage him. It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps
02:23I don't know though this this wooden horse of Troy malarkey
02:26I'm not buying that. It's one of the most famous military maneuvers in history
02:29I mean the Greeks have been camped outside Troy
02:32Kapow and zapping and kersplat and the Trojans for the best part of a decade yet
02:36So? So all of a sudden they wake up one morning and the Greeks have gone and there outside the
02:41city walls
02:42They've left this gift this tribute to their valiant foes a huge wooden horse
02:47Just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities
02:55Are you telling me that? Not one Trojan goes hang on a minute. That's a bit of a funny prezzy
03:00What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?
03:03No, they don't they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night
03:08People that stupid deserve to be kapow zapped and kersplatted in their beds
03:12You know what the big joke is from this particular phase in history we derived the phrase beware of Greeks
03:17bearing gifts
03:19When it be much more logical to derive the phrase beware of Trojans the complete smegheads
03:24Well, thank you AJP Taylor
03:30Strange we've changed course. Oh, are you sure Holly? There's no course change programmed
03:37And again
03:38Mark one eight zero doesn't complete turn we're heading back to red to wall. Give me manual hold
03:44We're locked out. This is not a malfunction. There's something controlling the craft. Holly any traffic around nothing on the
03:51local scan
03:52This isn't possible. There must be I'm the possession of the human known as Lister
03:56What happened to him his voice finally break?
04:02Who are you?
04:03Tremble at my name for I am the inquisitor
04:07The inquisitor your vessel is under my control
04:11It will return you to your mother ship where you will face judgment
04:14You will each present a case to justify your existence
04:18If you fail you will be deleted
04:25Are you okay sir?
04:26God, I think so
04:29A little bit shaky
04:29I think we should run you through the mediscan though just as a precaution
04:33Yeah, okay
04:41So Crichton you've heard of this inquisitor
04:43Only as a myth a dark fable a horror tale told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire
04:51Wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror
05:01A simple yes would have suffice
05:04So who is he?
05:06Yeah, what's his beef?
05:07Well the legend tells of a droid
05:09A self-repairing simulant who survives to the end of eternity
05:12To the end of time itself
05:14After millions of years alone
05:17He finally reaches the conclusion that there is no God
05:20No afterlife
05:22And the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life
05:26And so the droid constructs a time machine
05:28And roams eternity
05:30Visiting every single soul in history and assessing each one
05:34He erases all those who wasted their lives
05:36And replaces them with those that never had a chance of life
05:39The unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it
05:44That is the inquisitor
05:45He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless
05:50We're in big trouble
05:52May I used to say what's worthless?
05:54Oh please, take a look in the mirror
05:56Read your entry in Who's Nobody?
06:00Oh really?
06:01Who's to judge?
06:01Who's to say what's worthwhile?
06:04Well let's face it Listie
06:05Lying on your bunk reading Wattbike
06:06And eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day
06:09Is unlikely to qualify
06:11So just because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel
06:15That makes me prunable?
06:16No, being a totally worthless unwashed space bum
06:19That's what makes you prunable
06:21Precisely, the criterion is not fame
06:23It is simply to have lived a worthwhile life
06:26Why did no one mention this before?
06:31If I'd been told about this at the start
06:34That the object was to lead a worthwhile life
06:36I could have done something about it
06:38All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations
06:42If I'd known all this I would have given them my credit card number
06:47Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker
06:52You simply have to seize the gift of life
06:54Oh God
06:55Make a contribution
06:56Oh God
06:57No matter how small
06:58Oh God
06:59You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving
07:03You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
07:07I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir
07:08Well, shut up then
07:10Hang on a minute
07:11Why should we take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot
07:14Who's appointed himself judging joy to the whole of humanity?
07:17Why should we kowtow to his judgment?
07:19Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry reed
07:24Good answer, man
07:25Good answer
07:36So where is he?
07:38See me now and tremble
07:41The Inquisition begins
07:44Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life
07:47Or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity
07:52I hate these either or questions
07:55Who is to be first?
07:57Lister
08:00The hologram
08:02You shall be first
08:04Probably?
08:05Sir?
08:08You have been granted the greatest gift of all
08:12The gift of life
08:15Tell me
08:17What have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
08:23Well, I say this with the highest respect
08:26But what gives you the right to ask
08:30No, actually demand
08:32That answer of me
08:33Your magnificence
08:36All must answer to the Inquisitor
08:39Or
08:41But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
08:44Because
08:46Like all who stand before the Inquisitor
08:49Your judge shall be
08:53Yourself
08:56Oh smeg
08:57Oh smeg indeed matey
09:00Everyone is judged by their own self?
09:03It's a bit metaphysical I know
09:05But it's the only fair way
09:06Now then, justify yourself
09:10Well, first I
09:11Liar!
09:13I've done good things
09:14No you haven't
09:15In my heart I've always tried to do good things
09:18No you didn't
09:20Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life
09:23When?
09:26Ah, what's that in the corner?
09:28It's the Archangel Gabriel
09:29Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man, hallelujah
09:32You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man, aren't you?
09:39Well, sort of, yes
09:41So then, justify yourself
09:44What else could I have been?
09:46My father was a half-crazed military failure
09:49My mother was a bitch queen from hell
09:52My brothers had all the looks and talent
09:54And what did I have?
09:55Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails
09:58Yes, I admit I'm nothing
10:00But from what I started with
10:03Nothing is up
10:07Hi, buddy
10:09This is your judgement day, bud
10:11I gotta be cruel, there can't be no favours
10:14I'm hearing you on FM
10:16I have to ask you the question
10:19Justify your existence
10:21What contribution have you made?
10:23Hey, I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass
10:28Well, that's true
10:29Can I go now?
10:31That's your case?
10:33You need more?
10:34I might say that's a pretty shallow argument
10:37Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy
10:39But a shallow guy with a great ass
10:42Sometimes you astonish even me
10:44Thank you
10:47Well, Crichton
10:49Justify yourself
10:51I'm not sure I can
10:53But surely your life is replete with good works
10:55There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life
10:59But I am programmed to live unselfishly
11:01And therefore any good works I do come not out of fine motives
11:05But as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey
11:09Well, then how can any mechanical justify himself?
11:12Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he
11:18arrived at independently
11:19Your argument invites deletion
11:21The rules are yours, not mine
11:23Do you wish to be erased?
11:25Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything
11:27I serve
11:28In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn
11:31But I am not human
11:33And neither are you
11:35And it is not our place to judge them
11:39I wonder why you do
11:41Enough
11:45Well
11:47Get out of this one, smaghead
11:50What are you talking about?
11:52You know what you could have made of your life if you tried
11:55What you could have become
11:56So?
11:58You've got brains, man
12:00Brains you've never used
12:01So?
12:03So justify yourself
12:05Spin on him
12:10The inquisition is over
12:14I have reached my verdict
12:16Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been
12:21You have lived without merit
12:24So have not lived at all
12:29You scum, you've wiped them out
12:31Sir...
12:32It's crazy, Crichton
12:33It's erased the cat and Rimmie
12:34They are quite safe
12:37Sir...
12:39I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased
12:42Ah...
12:46The cat has led a more worthwhile life than either of us
12:49He is a shallow and selfish creature
12:51As is the hologram
12:53By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves
12:57Whereas you and the mechanoid
12:59Could have been so much more
13:05What's this?
13:06Best guess we are being surgically removed from time
13:09Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved
13:13Our lives are being undone
13:15It is complete
13:16The timelines are knitted
13:18Causality is healed
13:19All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence
13:25Well, you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Crichton
13:29Now's the time to mention it
13:31No plan, sir
13:33No sleeves
13:37Perfect
13:37Now, what did I do next?
13:44Now, hurry
13:45Take the gauntlet and go
13:48What the smeg is going on?
13:49I don't have time to explain
13:51I've come from the future to rescue you
13:53Now you must go, hurry
13:54What about me?
13:56I mean you, I mean us
13:57I'm afraid we get killed
13:59Killed? How?
14:01While I'm standing here explaining this to you
14:03The Inquisitor jumps me from behind like this
14:06You can't save me
14:07Before you reach the final confrontation
14:10In the storage bay you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls
14:13How? Can you give us a clue?
14:15Well, I cannot explain
14:17For some bizarre reason my final words are in it
14:21Anik
14:23Yeah, Anik
14:25Come on, sir, we have to go
14:27He just killed you, Crichton
14:28Sir, we have to go
14:45You are not registered as personnel of this vessel
14:48Please state your name and clearance code
14:50It was all!
14:51Please state your name and clearance code
14:53It's that D, 000169
14:56I have no record of your palm print
14:59Intruder alert, intruder alert
15:00Initiating override
15:02Please state your name and clearance code
15:04Log on name Crichton
15:05Registration code additional 001
15:07I have no record of your CPU ident
15:10You don't exist here anymore
15:12You don't exist here anymore
15:13No!
15:14Tear gas!
15:14No!
15:15No!
15:17No!
15:19No!
15:21No!
15:23No!
15:23No!
15:23No!
15:24No!
15:24No!
15:25Oh!
15:27Thank God it's you guys
15:28Move so much as an eyebrow boy and your dog meat
15:30What?
15:31It's us!
15:31Who are you people and what do you want?
15:33Rimmer, it's me!
15:35How do you know my name?
15:36Don't fall for that one, bud
15:37He read it on your uniform
15:38Sir, they've never met us before
15:40We are limbo people between realities
15:42They have no memory of us
15:43So, I'm going to ask you one more time
15:45What do you want?
15:46Yo, we're not the enemy
15:48There's a guy around here somewhere
15:49Wandering around obliterating people from history
15:52We used to be your shipmates
15:55Only we've forgotten you
15:56Yeah
15:58Well, I don't know about you but I'm convinced
16:00Rimmer, I know you
16:02Well, if you do know me
16:03You'll know I'm the kind of rough and tumble
16:06Hardened astro, ex-Marine type guy
16:08You do not trifle
16:10No, you're not
16:12For the last time of asking
16:14Fiona Barrington
16:16Fifteen years of age
16:17You got off within your dad's greenhouse
16:19You thought you got lucky
16:21But it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost
16:26How can I know that and not know you?
16:28Not true
16:30You've got three brothers
16:31John, Howard and Frank
16:32You're really mean with money
16:34You're a tremendous physical coward
16:35You won't spend an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard
16:37And four people committed suicide
16:40Your middle name's Judas
16:41But you tell everyone that it's Jonathan
16:43You sign all your official letters A.J. Rimmer
16:45B.S.C.
16:47And B.S.C. stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate
16:50You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scum-bucket
16:53With all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse
16:57You've got to admit, bud
16:58You've got a handle on you there
17:02Sirs, you've got to help us
17:03The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us
17:07Who the smeg of these guys, Rimmer?
17:11Never mind who the smeg of these guys
17:13Who the smeg of you?
17:14Aye, the smeg of them, Lister
17:16Of course he's the alternative you
17:18One of the many David Listers who never got a chance to exist
17:23What? So we're kind of spams-in-law
17:25Yes, sir
17:27Delicately put, sir
17:28So what do we do with them?
17:29I say waste them
17:31Rimmer, for smeg's sake
17:34Such a dogman
17:35What are you telling me?
17:36Look, they come here with some cock and bull story
17:39They're chained together like Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis
17:42I say open the door to oblivion and kick them through
17:44Rimmer, no one's killing no one, alright?
17:47Yeah, right
17:48Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension
17:51They've come here to hijack this ship and do, ooh, weird things to us
17:54I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck and stick them in the brig
17:58I hate to say it, but for once, Trans Am wheel arch nostrils is right
18:02What are you doing?
18:04What did you call me?
18:06Look man, you know the score
18:08Why do I know the score?
18:10What does your mean?
18:12We're shot from the same gun barrel
18:14Only difference is, one did breaststroke, one did crawl
18:18What are you trying to say?
18:20I'm saying it
18:24That's you guys
18:42Come on, let's go!
18:43Let's go back! Go back!
18:45Oh my God!
18:47Hang on a minute
18:48I can use this
18:49Come on, go!
18:53Get down to the transport decks
18:55Maybe we can nick one of the store books and get out of town
18:58Uh-oh, it's gone
18:59We'd better use an air vent
19:00No need
19:01Sir?
19:02Look, I'm gonna do something outcracking
19:03That's totally, totally gross
19:04I don't need to look, turn around
19:05What?
19:06Trust me, you don't wanna know
19:19Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door
19:23I feel quite nauseous
19:25Where is it?
19:27Where's Walt?
19:28Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket
19:31I got it out of a hole, didn't I?
19:33Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person!
19:37How could you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
19:40Shut up!
19:41I beat you to death with the wet end
19:42Oh!
19:43Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be under my fifth bag by now
19:47You're a sick person!
19:48Come on, let's go!
19:49Come on, let's go!
19:55What's the point?
19:57Why am I trying to get out of this?
19:58We already know we fail
19:59Not so, sir
20:00All we know is that I die
20:02Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made
20:07For myself, death holds no fear
20:10Oh, yeah?
20:11Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life
20:13That's why the mechanoid 4000 series was voted Android of the Year, five years running
20:19I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically depressed lemming
20:25That's not true, is it?
20:26Sir?
20:26Not anymore
20:28It's all because of me
20:29It's my fault
20:31It's a major break of programming
20:33It's what you have to lie
20:35How to make your own decisions
20:37It's made you more...
20:39More human
20:42I gave you a life to lose
20:45Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash
20:49Crichton, I know when you're lying
20:51Your right foot jiggles
20:53It's involuntary
20:55Nonsense
20:57I'm not afraid to die
21:00For me, death holds no fear
21:03I believe in silicon heaven
21:05I believe in an afterlife for androids
21:07How did you go through those damn manacles yet, Crichton?
21:12I'm not gonna let it happen, man
21:15Cause and effect, sir, it already has happened
21:17There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life
21:19Okay, now, I think I have this
21:21It's a variant of the Enigma decoding system
21:24Enigma, enig, enigma
21:25Enig, of course, my last words
21:29Well, anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years
21:34If it doesn't work?
21:35It'll wipe out the universe
21:40Phew, what now?
21:42Well, now, we have the power
21:46Okay, we don't know who you are, but we've seen enough of the other dude to know we want to
21:49be on your side
21:51He killed our two crew mates in cold blood, he's a monster
21:53I'm the cat, this is Rimmer
21:55Yeah, mister, Crichton
21:56Look, I wanna make it clear, I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two
22:00But needs must as the devil drives
22:02You really don't remember me, do you?
22:03Hey, everything I used to do used to get on your pecs
22:06Like I'd just be trimming me toenails with your electric meat carver or something
22:10And he'd go absolutely spare
22:12Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay
22:15Now, remember my message to us
22:16That is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation
22:20That's your plan? We go out there and face him?
22:23Nice plan?
22:24Shall I paint a bullseye on my face?
22:27Sir, Crichton, I've been thinking about this
22:29I've come up with something
22:30Yes, sir
22:31I'm gonna use my brains for this first time in my life
22:33Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?
22:37Give me the time, gauntly
22:39But you don't know how to use it, sir
22:40You'll have to shout out instructions, won't you?
22:41Oh, well, wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?
22:44You can't wear it, Crichton
22:45Why not?
22:46You're programmed not to kill
22:56Sir, the mortals seek to challenge my master
23:06Crichton, I don't know how to wake this thing
23:08Gamma, delta, one, four, five
23:18Gah!
23:25Smeg, you use me?
23:26The sport begins
23:30Now what the smeg have you done to me?
23:37Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
23:40Huh?
23:53It was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir
24:02You got the cat in the rim, though
24:04I know
24:06Look, sir, I've gotta go back in time
24:09And sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place
24:15Yeah, sure
24:18All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
24:21How long for a minute for ages?
24:22Ten minutes?
24:23Oh, 8.4
24:26You'd better be right, Crichton
24:28I know
24:29Gauntlets
24:32Now, what do I say when I pop up behind the inquisitor?
24:36Ah, perfect, now what do I-
24:38That's it, yeah, that's it
24:39No, I've got it, don't tell me, don't tell me
24:40I've got it, I've got it
24:45Okay, big fella, it's dangling time
24:50Welcome back online
24:52What are you doing?
24:55One way or the other
24:57You killed a lot of my friends this afternoon
25:01In fact, you may never get on my good side again
25:13So now you're going to kill me, I don't think so
25:17You're a fat little human, doesn't have the balls
25:22It's dumb talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm
25:25I sit inside your heart, you don't have any in you
25:31Oh yeah?
25:34Bet your life
25:39I never intended to kill you
25:42Oh no
25:47No
25:47No
25:49I intended to save your life
25:51Save my life?
25:52Why?
25:54Because if I save your life and you erase me
25:57I won't be there to save your life and you'll die
26:03Chew on that, pal
26:07You're giving me my god back
26:10Well, I'm alright
26:12You can't touch me
26:14You might have killed the others, but I'm okay
26:18Oh, just one thing
26:21If I erase your history
26:23You will never have existed to end my life in the process
26:29That's a point
26:30So in fact, I can erase you quite safely
26:35Yeah?
26:37What?
26:38Yeah!
26:40It's the old backfiring time, Gauntwick's strip
26:43This bloke is off a round, round ticket to oblivion
26:47But you can't
26:48My work or my fluid's work will be undone
26:53Oh, it worked
26:55It worked?
26:57Crichton, you're a genius
26:58It was your scheme, sir
27:00I simply reprogrammed the gauntlet
27:02So what happens now?
27:05Basically, we wait for the time-space continuum to reorder itself
27:08I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir
27:15I'll give you five
27:16I can do better than that
27:18I'll give you fifteen
27:23It's cold outside
27:25There's no kind of atmosphere
27:27I'm all alone
27:29More or less
27:31Let me fly
27:32Far away from here
27:34Fun, fun, fun
27:37In the sun, sun, sun
27:40I want to lie
27:42Shipwrapped and calm my toes
27:44Drinking fresh mango juice
27:47Goldfish shows
27:49Nibbling at my toes
27:51Fun, fun, fun
27:53In the sun, sun, sun
27:58Fun, fun
28:00In the sun, sun, sun
28:04The sun, sun, sun
28:06In the sun, sun
28:06And the sun, and the sun
28:08In the sun
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