- 3 hours ago
Tv, Red Dwarf V -Series 1 (Main Feature)5
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TVTranscript
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00:45Thomas Allman.
00:47Thomas Allman.
00:49Thomas Allman, you have been found unworthy of having existed.
00:52Is that you, Mother?
00:54.
00:55.
00:55?
00:59The void you occupied in the space time continuum will be allocated to a person
01:05who was never given the gift of life.
01:08.
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01:10Time more wisely
01:13Why me there must be others who live worthless lives all
01:24Just complete all that remains to do each physical form
01:32Sorry, Mr. Bussar reality control
01:47Coffee, sir, double caffeinated quadruple sugar. Nice one. Ah, Virgil's Aeneid. Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen
01:55of Troy
01:56The most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment. It's the comic book version
02:03It's good, though, man. It's absolutely full of history
02:06Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed, you Trojan pig dog, ginyar, kersplat
02:11I see they've remained faithful to the original text. I'm sure Virgil would have approved
02:16Crichton don't discourage him. It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps
02:23I don't know though this this wooden horse of Troy malarkey
02:26I'm not buying that. It's one of the most famous military maneuvers in history
02:29I mean the Greeks have been camped outside Troy
02:32Kapow and zapping and kersplat and the Trojans for the best part of a decade yet
02:36So? So all of a sudden they wake up one morning and the Greeks have gone and there outside the
02:41city walls
02:42They've left this gift this tribute to their valiant foes a huge wooden horse
02:47Just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities
02:55Are you telling me that? Not one Trojan goes hang on a minute. That's a bit of a funny prezzy
03:00What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?
03:03No, they don't they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night
03:08People that stupid deserve to be kapow zapped and kersplatted in their beds
03:12You know what the big joke is from this particular phase in history we derived the phrase beware of Greeks
03:17bearing gifts
03:19When it be much more logical to derive the phrase beware of Trojans the complete smegheads
03:24Well, thank you AJP Taylor
03:30Strange we've changed course. Oh, are you sure Holly? There's no course change programmed
03:37And again
03:38Mark one eight zero doesn't complete turn we're heading back to red to wall. Give me manual hold
03:44We're locked out. This is not a malfunction. There's something controlling the craft. Holly any traffic around nothing on the
03:51local scan
03:52This isn't possible. There must be I'm the possession of the human known as Lister
03:56What happened to him his voice finally break?
04:02Who are you?
04:03Tremble at my name for I am the inquisitor
04:07The inquisitor your vessel is under my control
04:11It will return you to your mother ship where you will face judgment
04:14You will each present a case to justify your existence
04:18If you fail you will be deleted
04:25Are you okay sir?
04:26God, I think so
04:29A little bit shaky
04:29I think we should run you through the mediscan though just as a precaution
04:33Yeah, okay
04:41So Crichton you've heard of this inquisitor
04:43Only as a myth a dark fable a horror tale told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire
04:51Wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror
05:01A simple yes would have suffice
05:04So who is he?
05:06Yeah, what's his beef?
05:07Well the legend tells of a droid
05:09A self-repairing simulant who survives to the end of eternity
05:12To the end of time itself
05:14After millions of years alone
05:17He finally reaches the conclusion that there is no God
05:20No afterlife
05:22And the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life
05:26And so the droid constructs a time machine
05:28And roams eternity
05:30Visiting every single soul in history and assessing each one
05:34He erases all those who wasted their lives
05:36And replaces them with those that never had a chance of life
05:39The unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it
05:44That is the inquisitor
05:45He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless
05:50We're in big trouble
05:52May I used to say what's worthless?
05:54Oh please, take a look in the mirror
05:56Read your entry in Who's Nobody?
06:00Oh really?
06:01Who's to judge?
06:01Who's to say what's worthwhile?
06:04Well let's face it Listie
06:05Lying on your bunk reading Wattbike
06:06And eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day
06:09Is unlikely to qualify
06:11So just because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel
06:15That makes me prunable?
06:16No, being a totally worthless unwashed space bum
06:19That's what makes you prunable
06:21Precisely, the criterion is not fame
06:23It is simply to have lived a worthwhile life
06:26Why did no one mention this before?
06:31If I'd been told about this at the start
06:34That the object was to lead a worthwhile life
06:36I could have done something about it
06:38All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations
06:42If I'd known all this I would have given them my credit card number
06:47Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker
06:52You simply have to seize the gift of life
06:54Oh God
06:55Make a contribution
06:56Oh God
06:57No matter how small
06:58Oh God
06:59You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving
07:03You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
07:07I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir
07:08Well, shut up then
07:10Hang on a minute
07:11Why should we take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot
07:14Who's appointed himself judging joy to the whole of humanity?
07:17Why should we kowtow to his judgment?
07:19Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry reed
07:24Good answer, man
07:25Good answer
07:36So where is he?
07:38See me now and tremble
07:41The Inquisition begins
07:44Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life
07:47Or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity
07:52I hate these either or questions
07:55Who is to be first?
07:57Lister
08:00The hologram
08:02You shall be first
08:04Probably?
08:05Sir?
08:08You have been granted the greatest gift of all
08:12The gift of life
08:15Tell me
08:17What have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
08:23Well, I say this with the highest respect
08:26But what gives you the right to ask
08:30No, actually demand
08:32That answer of me
08:33Your magnificence
08:36All must answer to the Inquisitor
08:39Or
08:41But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
08:44Because
08:46Like all who stand before the Inquisitor
08:49Your judge shall be
08:53Yourself
08:56Oh smeg
08:57Oh smeg indeed matey
09:00Everyone is judged by their own self?
09:03It's a bit metaphysical I know
09:05But it's the only fair way
09:06Now then, justify yourself
09:10Well, first I
09:11Liar!
09:13I've done good things
09:14No you haven't
09:15In my heart I've always tried to do good things
09:18No you didn't
09:20Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life
09:23When?
09:26Ah, what's that in the corner?
09:28It's the Archangel Gabriel
09:29Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man, hallelujah
09:32You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man, aren't you?
09:39Well, sort of, yes
09:41So then, justify yourself
09:44What else could I have been?
09:46My father was a half-crazed military failure
09:49My mother was a bitch queen from hell
09:52My brothers had all the looks and talent
09:54And what did I have?
09:55Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails
09:58Yes, I admit I'm nothing
10:00But from what I started with
10:03Nothing is up
10:07Hi, buddy
10:09This is your judgement day, bud
10:11I gotta be cruel, there can't be no favours
10:14I'm hearing you on FM
10:16I have to ask you the question
10:19Justify your existence
10:21What contribution have you made?
10:23Hey, I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass
10:28Well, that's true
10:29Can I go now?
10:31That's your case?
10:33You need more?
10:34I might say that's a pretty shallow argument
10:37Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy
10:39But a shallow guy with a great ass
10:42Sometimes you astonish even me
10:44Thank you
10:47Well, Crichton
10:49Justify yourself
10:51I'm not sure I can
10:53But surely your life is replete with good works
10:55There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life
10:59But I am programmed to live unselfishly
11:01And therefore any good works I do come not out of fine motives
11:05But as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey
11:09Well, then how can any mechanical justify himself?
11:12Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he
11:18arrived at independently
11:19Your argument invites deletion
11:21The rules are yours, not mine
11:23Do you wish to be erased?
11:25Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything
11:27I serve
11:28In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn
11:31But I am not human
11:33And neither are you
11:35And it is not our place to judge them
11:39I wonder why you do
11:41Enough
11:45Well
11:47Get out of this one, smaghead
11:50What are you talking about?
11:52You know what you could have made of your life if you tried
11:55What you could have become
11:56So?
11:58You've got brains, man
12:00Brains you've never used
12:01So?
12:03So justify yourself
12:05Spin on him
12:10The inquisition is over
12:14I have reached my verdict
12:16Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been
12:21You have lived without merit
12:24So have not lived at all
12:29You scum, you've wiped them out
12:31Sir...
12:32It's crazy, Crichton
12:33It's erased the cat and Rimmie
12:34They are quite safe
12:37Sir...
12:39I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased
12:42Ah...
12:46The cat has led a more worthwhile life than either of us
12:49He is a shallow and selfish creature
12:51As is the hologram
12:53By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves
12:57Whereas you and the mechanoid
12:59Could have been so much more
13:05What's this?
13:06Best guess we are being surgically removed from time
13:09Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved
13:13Our lives are being undone
13:15It is complete
13:16The timelines are knitted
13:18Causality is healed
13:19All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence
13:25Well, you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Crichton
13:29Now's the time to mention it
13:31No plan, sir
13:33No sleeves
13:37Perfect
13:37Now, what did I do next?
13:44Now, hurry
13:45Take the gauntlet and go
13:48What the smeg is going on?
13:49I don't have time to explain
13:51I've come from the future to rescue you
13:53Now you must go, hurry
13:54What about me?
13:56I mean you, I mean us
13:57I'm afraid we get killed
13:59Killed? How?
14:01While I'm standing here explaining this to you
14:03The Inquisitor jumps me from behind like this
14:06You can't save me
14:07Before you reach the final confrontation
14:10In the storage bay you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls
14:13How? Can you give us a clue?
14:15Well, I cannot explain
14:17For some bizarre reason my final words are in it
14:21Anik
14:23Yeah, Anik
14:25Come on, sir, we have to go
14:27He just killed you, Crichton
14:28Sir, we have to go
14:45You are not registered as personnel of this vessel
14:48Please state your name and clearance code
14:50It was all!
14:51Please state your name and clearance code
14:53It's that D, 000169
14:56I have no record of your palm print
14:59Intruder alert, intruder alert
15:00Initiating override
15:02Please state your name and clearance code
15:04Log on name Crichton
15:05Registration code additional 001
15:07I have no record of your CPU ident
15:10You don't exist here anymore
15:12You don't exist here anymore
15:13No!
15:14Tear gas!
15:14No!
15:15No!
15:17No!
15:19No!
15:21No!
15:23No!
15:23No!
15:23No!
15:24No!
15:24No!
15:25Oh!
15:27Thank God it's you guys
15:28Move so much as an eyebrow boy and your dog meat
15:30What?
15:31It's us!
15:31Who are you people and what do you want?
15:33Rimmer, it's me!
15:35How do you know my name?
15:36Don't fall for that one, bud
15:37He read it on your uniform
15:38Sir, they've never met us before
15:40We are limbo people between realities
15:42They have no memory of us
15:43So, I'm going to ask you one more time
15:45What do you want?
15:46Yo, we're not the enemy
15:48There's a guy around here somewhere
15:49Wandering around obliterating people from history
15:52We used to be your shipmates
15:55Only we've forgotten you
15:56Yeah
15:58Well, I don't know about you but I'm convinced
16:00Rimmer, I know you
16:02Well, if you do know me
16:03You'll know I'm the kind of rough and tumble
16:06Hardened astro, ex-Marine type guy
16:08You do not trifle
16:10No, you're not
16:12For the last time of asking
16:14Fiona Barrington
16:16Fifteen years of age
16:17You got off within your dad's greenhouse
16:19You thought you got lucky
16:21But it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost
16:26How can I know that and not know you?
16:28Not true
16:30You've got three brothers
16:31John, Howard and Frank
16:32You're really mean with money
16:34You're a tremendous physical coward
16:35You won't spend an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard
16:37And four people committed suicide
16:40Your middle name's Judas
16:41But you tell everyone that it's Jonathan
16:43You sign all your official letters A.J. Rimmer
16:45B.S.C.
16:47And B.S.C. stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate
16:50You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scum-bucket
16:53With all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse
16:57You've got to admit, bud
16:58You've got a handle on you there
17:02Sirs, you've got to help us
17:03The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us
17:07Who the smeg of these guys, Rimmer?
17:11Never mind who the smeg of these guys
17:13Who the smeg of you?
17:14Aye, the smeg of them, Lister
17:16Of course he's the alternative you
17:18One of the many David Listers who never got a chance to exist
17:23What? So we're kind of spams-in-law
17:25Yes, sir
17:27Delicately put, sir
17:28So what do we do with them?
17:29I say waste them
17:31Rimmer, for smeg's sake
17:34Such a dogman
17:35What are you telling me?
17:36Look, they come here with some cock and bull story
17:39They're chained together like Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis
17:42I say open the door to oblivion and kick them through
17:44Rimmer, no one's killing no one, alright?
17:47Yeah, right
17:48Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension
17:51They've come here to hijack this ship and do, ooh, weird things to us
17:54I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck and stick them in the brig
17:58I hate to say it, but for once, Trans Am wheel arch nostrils is right
18:02What are you doing?
18:04What did you call me?
18:06Look man, you know the score
18:08Why do I know the score?
18:10What does your mean?
18:12We're shot from the same gun barrel
18:14Only difference is, one did breaststroke, one did crawl
18:18What are you trying to say?
18:20I'm saying it
18:24That's you guys
18:42Come on, let's go!
18:43Let's go back! Go back!
18:45Oh my God!
18:47Hang on a minute
18:48I can use this
18:49Come on, go!
18:53Get down to the transport decks
18:55Maybe we can nick one of the store books and get out of town
18:58Uh-oh, it's gone
18:59We'd better use an air vent
19:00No need
19:01Sir?
19:02Look, I'm gonna do something outcracking
19:03That's totally, totally gross
19:04I don't need to look, turn around
19:05What?
19:06Trust me, you don't wanna know
19:19Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door
19:23I feel quite nauseous
19:25Where is it?
19:27Where's Walt?
19:28Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket
19:31I got it out of a hole, didn't I?
19:33Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person!
19:37How could you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
19:40Shut up!
19:41I beat you to death with the wet end
19:42Oh!
19:43Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be under my fifth bag by now
19:47You're a sick person!
19:48Come on, let's go!
19:49Come on, let's go!
19:55What's the point?
19:57Why am I trying to get out of this?
19:58We already know we fail
19:59Not so, sir
20:00All we know is that I die
20:02Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made
20:07For myself, death holds no fear
20:10Oh, yeah?
20:11Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life
20:13That's why the mechanoid 4000 series was voted Android of the Year, five years running
20:19I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically depressed lemming
20:25That's not true, is it?
20:26Sir?
20:26Not anymore
20:28It's all because of me
20:29It's my fault
20:31It's a major break of programming
20:33It's what you have to lie
20:35How to make your own decisions
20:37It's made you more...
20:39More human
20:42I gave you a life to lose
20:45Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash
20:49Crichton, I know when you're lying
20:51Your right foot jiggles
20:53It's involuntary
20:55Nonsense
20:57I'm not afraid to die
21:00For me, death holds no fear
21:03I believe in silicon heaven
21:05I believe in an afterlife for androids
21:07How did you go through those damn manacles yet, Crichton?
21:12I'm not gonna let it happen, man
21:15Cause and effect, sir, it already has happened
21:17There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life
21:19Okay, now, I think I have this
21:21It's a variant of the Enigma decoding system
21:24Enigma, enig, enigma
21:25Enig, of course, my last words
21:29Well, anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years
21:34If it doesn't work?
21:35It'll wipe out the universe
21:40Phew, what now?
21:42Well, now, we have the power
21:46Okay, we don't know who you are, but we've seen enough of the other dude to know we want to
21:49be on your side
21:51He killed our two crew mates in cold blood, he's a monster
21:53I'm the cat, this is Rimmer
21:55Yeah, mister, Crichton
21:56Look, I wanna make it clear, I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two
22:00But needs must as the devil drives
22:02You really don't remember me, do you?
22:03Hey, everything I used to do used to get on your pecs
22:06Like I'd just be trimming me toenails with your electric meat carver or something
22:10And he'd go absolutely spare
22:12Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay
22:15Now, remember my message to us
22:16That is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation
22:20That's your plan? We go out there and face him?
22:23Nice plan?
22:24Shall I paint a bullseye on my face?
22:27Sir, Crichton, I've been thinking about this
22:29I've come up with something
22:30Yes, sir
22:31I'm gonna use my brains for this first time in my life
22:33Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?
22:37Give me the time, gauntly
22:39But you don't know how to use it, sir
22:40You'll have to shout out instructions, won't you?
22:41Oh, well, wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?
22:44You can't wear it, Crichton
22:45Why not?
22:46You're programmed not to kill
22:56Sir, the mortals seek to challenge my master
23:06Crichton, I don't know how to wake this thing
23:08Gamma, delta, one, four, five
23:18Gah!
23:25Smeg, you use me?
23:26The sport begins
23:30Now what the smeg have you done to me?
23:37Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
23:40Huh?
23:53It was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir
24:02You got the cat in the rim, though
24:04I know
24:06Look, sir, I've gotta go back in time
24:09And sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place
24:15Yeah, sure
24:18All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
24:21How long for a minute for ages?
24:22Ten minutes?
24:23Oh, 8.4
24:26You'd better be right, Crichton
24:28I know
24:29Gauntlets
24:32Now, what do I say when I pop up behind the inquisitor?
24:36Ah, perfect, now what do I-
24:38That's it, yeah, that's it
24:39No, I've got it, don't tell me, don't tell me
24:40I've got it, I've got it
24:45Okay, big fella, it's dangling time
24:50Welcome back online
24:52What are you doing?
24:55One way or the other
24:57You killed a lot of my friends this afternoon
25:01In fact, you may never get on my good side again
25:13So now you're going to kill me, I don't think so
25:17You're a fat little human, doesn't have the balls
25:22It's dumb talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm
25:25I sit inside your heart, you don't have any in you
25:31Oh yeah?
25:34Bet your life
25:39I never intended to kill you
25:42Oh no
25:47No
25:47No
25:49I intended to save your life
25:51Save my life?
25:52Why?
25:54Because if I save your life and you erase me
25:57I won't be there to save your life and you'll die
26:03Chew on that, pal
26:07You're giving me my god back
26:10Well, I'm alright
26:12You can't touch me
26:14You might have killed the others, but I'm okay
26:18Oh, just one thing
26:21If I erase your history
26:23You will never have existed to end my life in the process
26:29That's a point
26:30So in fact, I can erase you quite safely
26:35Yeah?
26:37What?
26:38Yeah!
26:40It's the old backfiring time, Gauntwick's strip
26:43This bloke is off a round, round ticket to oblivion
26:47But you can't
26:48My work or my fluid's work will be undone
26:53Oh, it worked
26:55It worked?
26:57Crichton, you're a genius
26:58It was your scheme, sir
27:00I simply reprogrammed the gauntlet
27:02So what happens now?
27:05Basically, we wait for the time-space continuum to reorder itself
27:08I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir
27:15I'll give you five
27:16I can do better than that
27:18I'll give you fifteen
27:23It's cold outside
27:25There's no kind of atmosphere
27:27I'm all alone
27:29More or less
27:31Let me fly
27:32Far away from here
27:34Fun, fun, fun
27:37In the sun, sun, sun
27:40I want to lie
27:42Shipwrapped and calm my toes
27:44Drinking fresh mango juice
27:47Goldfish shows
27:49Nibbling at my toes
27:51Fun, fun, fun
27:53In the sun, sun, sun
27:58Fun, fun
28:00In the sun, sun, sun
28:04The sun, sun, sun
28:06In the sun, sun
28:06And the sun, and the sun
28:08In the sun
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