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Tv, Red Dwarf V -Series 1 (Main Feature)4
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00:28Satsang with Mooji
00:37Oh my darling, don't. This isn't a time for sadness. It's a time for joy, for laughter.
00:43Don't you see? Whatever this crazy old world frozen is now, it doesn't matter. None of it.
00:49Barney, we can never be here again.
00:52Oh my darling, you're wrong. We'll always be together. It's just that we'll be apart.
01:01Wasn't that just beautiful? Oh, well recommended, sir. Do you think they ever get back together again?
01:08I don't know. Pardon?
01:11I don't know.
01:13Wasn't it just wonderful though, sir? The way he sacrificed his career, his dreams, everything for the woman he loved.
01:19I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl much I've ever been compelled to endure.
01:25I consider it an insult to my backside that it was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid
01:32adolescent slush.
01:33You didn't find it uplifting?
01:35It wasn't in the least bit uplifting. It was totally unbelievable.
01:39Why would he give everything up for a woman he's never going to see again?
01:41Because she loved him and he would have that forever. Isn't that right, sir?
01:49Personally, I thought it started well but fell apart. All the stuff with the ducks all getting into trouble, that
01:53was great.
01:54Then it all went black and white and I fell asleep.
01:58But sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme.
02:03Hang on, chaps, I've got a blip. Quadrant 4, Sector 492.
02:08I'm on to it right away, Holly.
02:09Those kind of films really irritate me.
02:12Just not realistic.
02:14There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with a woman.
02:17Total baloney.
02:18Remy, you said that about King of Kings, the story of Jesus.
02:23Well, it's true.
02:24A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that and doesn't go into show business?
02:30Do any of us believe that, even for a second?
02:33He was supposed to be the son of God.
02:34And when he was carrying that cross up the hill, any normal, realistic bloke would have mule kicked the guy
02:40on the left,
02:40clobbered the one on the right, would have been over that green hill and far away before he could say
02:43Pontius Pilate.
02:46Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point?
02:49I mean, whether you believe that stuff or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love.
02:54Not realistic.
02:55As if.
02:57He's got no soul, man.
02:59No soul.
03:00Sirs, I think you should take a look at this.
03:02Another vessel?
03:03Too small.
03:05Maybe a missile.
03:06Impact in 37 seconds.
03:08Plotting random evasion course.
03:10What? Am I the only sane one here?
03:12Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
03:14A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
03:18One, we don't have any defensive shields.
03:21And two, we don't have any defensive shields.
03:24Now, I realize that technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought it was such a big one, it
03:29was worth mentioning twice.
03:32Good point, well made.
03:44What are you doing?
03:46It's incredible.
03:48It's beautiful.
03:50It's not registering on any scale.
03:52Mass, velocity, molecular structure, all the readings is zero.
04:07Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission.
04:12They've taken Mr. Rimmer.
04:13Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer.
04:14Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back.
04:24I hope we didn't startle you.
04:27Nirvana Craig.
04:28You touched me.
04:30I can touch.
04:33How is this possible?
04:35This entire ship, its crew, and everything on it is computer generated.
04:39You're all holograms, even the ship?
04:41Salud.
04:42Salud.
04:47How big's the crew?
04:48Just under 2,000.
04:49All top flight personnel.
04:51Hmm, what a ship.
04:53Floor 3, 1, 2, 5.
04:55Sports and sexual recreation.
04:59Sports and what?
05:00Sex.
05:01Don't you have a sex deck on your ship?
05:04No.
05:06Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?
05:09Well, we go for runs.
05:12And watch gardening programs on the ship's vids.
05:15That's very bad for you.
05:16Don't you ever feel tense or frustrated?
05:19Well, it's got worse these last 10 years or so, I can't deny it.
05:23Extraordinary.
05:24It's quite different here.
05:25In fact, it's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day.
05:29It's a health rule.
05:30Well, twice a day, that's more than some people manage in a lifetime.
05:34I mean sad, lonely people.
05:38But what happens if you don't have a partner?
05:40If you don't have a partner?
05:42Well, I mean some people, sad, lonely people, find that people just aren't attracted to them in that kind of
05:49way.
05:49I don't understand.
05:51Here it is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling.
05:57Well, people have always complimented me on my good manners.
06:02What a ship.
06:03We discarded the concept of family in the 25th century when scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and
06:09neuroses are caused by our parents.
06:11I knew it.
06:12Families is disastrous for your mental health.
06:15So are relationships.
06:16These are outmoded concepts for us.
06:19But what about love?
06:21Surely people still fall in love.
06:22We have developed beyond love, Mr. Rimmer.
06:24That is a short-term hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement.
06:30We are holograms.
06:31There is no risk of disease or pregnancy.
06:34That is why in our society we only believe in sex.
06:38Constant, guilt-free sex.
06:43Poor Mr. Rimmer.
06:45I fear he is in great danger.
06:47I'm trying to get him to handshake, but they're not responding on any frequency.
06:51Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons and give them both barrels.
06:54An adroit suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks.
06:58Okay, forget it!
07:00It's nothing to shoot at. Look at the readouts.
07:02Zero mass.
07:04Of course.
07:05A hollow ship.
07:06A hollow ship?
07:07The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system.
07:11Ships of no mass or volume able to travel as super-light particles, tachyons, through wormholes and stargates, crewed by
07:19holograms of great genius and bravery.
07:21And they've taken Rimmer. He should fit in just perfectly.
07:26Well, now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake.
07:29Hollow crews are legendarily arrogant.
07:31They despise stupidity wherever they see it.
07:33And they see it everywhere.
07:35Hang on. I'm getting another energy emission.
07:38Banks to Enlightenment have arrived on the Dedelec.
07:42Confirm initial speculation that there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
07:46It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels, the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due
07:53to major flight design flaws.
07:55Crew, three.
07:58One series, 4,000 mechanoid, almost burnt out.
08:02Give it maybe three years.
08:03Nothing of salvageable value.
08:05Ah, Phyllis sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart.
08:11Ah, no value in future study of this species.
08:15What have we here?
08:16A human being or a very close approximation.
08:22Chronological age, mid-twenties.
08:24Physical age, 47.
08:27Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly.
08:30Otherwise, we'd recommend it for the museum.
08:32Apart from that, of no value or interest.
08:36Listen to Red Dwarf.
08:37We have in our midst a complete smeg pot.
08:42Brains in the anal region.
08:45Chin absent, presumed missing.
08:49Genitalia, small and inoffensive.
08:52Of no value or interest.
08:54Thanks to Enlightenment, evidence of primitive humour.
08:58The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation.
09:03With patient tuition, could maybe master simple tasks.
09:07Listen to Red Dwarf.
09:09Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
09:13Seems unable to grasp simple threats.
09:16With careful pummeling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
09:21Thanks to Enlightenment, the human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a
09:28hologram.
09:29Listen to Red Dwarf.
09:31The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather steady hollow whip in the munitions cabinet.
09:38And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he better be history in two seconds flat.
09:45Thanks to Enlightenment.
09:47Recon mission complete.
09:49Transmit.
09:49With speed.
09:50Enlightenment quickly, please.
09:53Captain, Mr. Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
09:57Mr. Rimmer.
09:58Oh, my word.
09:59It is one of the old class one holograms.
10:01I didn't realize that you guys were still around.
10:03Captain Air Cool Platini.
10:06IQ 212.
10:07Number one.
10:09Commander Natalina Pushkin.
10:10IQ 201.
10:12Commander Randy Navarro.
10:14IQ 194.
10:17The second technician, Arnold Rimmer.
10:19IQ unknown.
10:23Captain, this is a magnificent ship.
10:24So it should be, Mr. Rimmer.
10:27After all, it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps.
10:32Every crew member is the top gun in his or her field.
10:36This is a ship, Mr. Rimmer, of superhumans.
10:41Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here.
10:46Are you serious?
10:48Everything I want in my life is here on this ship.
10:52I want to join you.
10:53But, Mr. Rimmer, you are not an officer.
10:56Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf now for nearly four years.
11:00I've guided that ragamuffin ragtail crew of whacked-out crazies and hippie peacenicks through hell and back.
11:07If I gave the order, those guys would crawl on their bellies across broken glass with their flies unzipped.
11:14So don't tell me I'm not an officer, Captain, just because in deep space there's no academy around to award
11:19me my pips.
11:20You've got to take me.
11:21Unfortunately, it's not that simple, Mr. Rimmer.
11:24The Enlightenment already has a full ship's complement.
11:27The only way in is dead man's boots.
11:29You'll have to challenge an existing crew member.
11:33There are tests which takes the entire vista of your intellect.
11:37Oh.
11:39Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability.
11:44Ah.
11:45Should you win, your opponent's runtime would be terminated and their life force would be used to generate you.
11:52Who will be my opponent?
11:55Well, I'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating matchup.
11:58It has stochastic capabilities.
12:01It predicts the future with only a 5% error margin,
12:04simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables.
12:09I am asking it for your best chance of success.
12:12And here it is.
12:14Your best shot is crew member 4172.
12:17You have a 96% probability of failure.
12:22Mr. Rimmer, you have 24 hours to prepare.
12:28Well, thank you, Commander, for a most fascinating afternoon.
12:31It's been most fascinating.
12:34Perhaps if you're not in any great rush, Mr. Rimmer,
12:36we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours.
12:40That was just unbelievable.
12:44It's never been like that before.
12:48Was it okay?
12:50It was different.
12:54Different?
12:56You make love like a Japanese meal.
12:59Small portions, but so many courses.
13:04Look, Nirvana.
13:06We must dress and go now.
13:11Look, Nirvana, what I'm trying to say is...
13:13Please, don't say anything.
13:16I hope you didn't get me wrong just then.
13:18That meant nothing to me.
13:20Truly less than nothing, really.
13:22Good.
13:24We may as well have been playing tennis.
13:26As it should be.
13:28I, er...
13:29Don't suppose you fancy a tie-break?
13:32I'm sorry.
13:33I've got things I should do.
13:36Niet problems.
13:37You know, we usually talk.
13:42What do you talk about?
13:44Oh, research.
13:45New theories.
13:47Mission profiles.
13:49I'm sorry.
13:50I must have seemed very ignorant.
13:52I hardly said anything apart from...
13:54Geronimo.
13:58Thank you for the work out.
14:01Dress?
14:03Transmit.
14:08Privacy off.
14:11Commander, some amusing news.
14:13Stokhy has chosen you to meet our guest's challenge.
14:23What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal.
14:26Mind patching is outlawed.
14:28But it is possible.
14:29Possible, but highly dangerous.
14:31These side effects can be devastating.
14:33You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.
14:36Reduced?
14:39I don't care.
14:40I'm prepared to take the chance.
14:41Even if it costs you your mind?
14:42It's a small price to pay.
14:45Look, on that ship, I can touch, I can feel, I can taste.
14:49I'm not a half-man anymore.
14:51With them, I'm whole again.
14:52Remember that a bunch of arrogant, pompous,
14:56emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs?
14:58Do you think you're going to fit in with them?
15:01What am I saying?
15:02Bon voyage?
15:03He's right, sir.
15:04Why do you want to throw in with people like that?
15:06Because I want to be somebody.
15:08I want to have a position of authority on a scout ship
15:10exploring uncharted space.
15:12Work alongside educated men and women.
15:15Officers.
15:15People who count.
15:18Lister, this is my one chance to seize my dream.
15:21To be with the winners.
15:23Look at me.
15:24What do you see?
15:25Tell me.
15:26You see a sad and lonely guy.
15:28A guy who left home at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman
15:32and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative.
15:35Is it any wonder my father had four strokes?
15:37Is it any wonder he used to sit by the window and dribble?
15:41I did that to him.
15:43Me?
15:43Look, there's nothing wrong with what you did.
15:45It was just a job.
15:46You are your job.
15:49No, not so, sir.
15:51Now, was Albert Camus a goalkeeper or a philosopher?
15:53Was Albert Einstein a clerk in a patent office?
15:56Or the greatest physicist who ever lived?
15:59And, of course, there's the oft-told tale of the simple carpenter's son
16:03who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history,
16:06Harry Beetlebaum.
16:08Right, and Albert Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life
16:11picking out lumps of desiccated poultry from the end of his nozzle cleaner.
16:14That doesn't make you a failure.
16:17It does in my parents' eyes.
16:19It does in my brother's eyes.
16:21It does in the eyes of everyone with eyes.
16:24That's exactly what it makes me.
16:26Oh, sir, I beg you to reconsider.
16:28If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision.
16:32I mean, you will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex
16:37with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand.
16:41Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
16:49Well, quite clearly, I am.
16:54Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind.
16:58Science Officer Buchan, excellent scientific background, 169 IQ.
17:03And Flight Coordinator McQueen, superlative mathematician, 172 IQ.
17:09Now, even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind,
17:13I still think we'll come up with something pretty special.
17:16But I will still have control.
17:18You will have access to their knowledge,
17:20but your personality will have the power of veto.
17:23But, sir, I implore you to reconsider.
17:25If not for yourself, then for the poor officer whose life you will take.
17:28Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said,
17:31never give a sucker an even break?
17:34Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.
17:37Come on, Clive, and get on with it.
17:40Commencing integration.
17:42Glory or insanity awaits.
17:47He's read every book in the medical library.
17:49In under three hours, the change is quite astonishing.
17:52But, sir, I feel I should warn you,
17:54this is not the pile of human wreckage we know as Arnold Rimmer.
17:59Prepare yourself.
18:03Sir, we've received the coordinates.
18:05Perhaps we should be making tracks?
18:09Cry 10.
18:11Just thinking.
18:12Assuming, of course, we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects
18:14in a basically Euclidean geometric universe,
18:16and given the essential premise that all geomathematics
18:18is based on the hideously limiting notion that 1 plus 1 equals 2,
18:21and not as Astermaier correctly postulates,
18:23that 1 and 2 are in fact the same thing observed from different presets.
18:27The identical shape described by Sidis must therefore be
18:30a poly-dried doc-deca-wee-hedron,
18:32a hexasexahedro-aticon,
18:33a di-bi-dolli-hee-deca-dodron.
18:36Everything else is bottle-cock.
18:38Isn't that so?
18:39Rimmer?
18:40I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning.
18:42Perhaps you'd like to hear it.
18:43I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir.
18:45I could translate it into Mandarin for you.
18:46Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese.
18:48We don't speak Mandarin.
18:49And we don't speak Satsume.
18:53He is really beginning to get on my pecs.
18:56You must remember, sir,
18:57that he's operating on a completely different level to us now.
18:59To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers.
19:05Subject ready for transfer.
19:07Farewell, gentlemen.
19:08Glory awaits.
19:13Attention candidates.
19:15To preserve the pure intellectual nature of this challenge,
19:17you will remain in separate suites.
19:19The questions will come through your headphones
19:20in a variety of different languages
19:21to confuse and disorient you.
19:23There will be a total of 200,000 questions
19:25in this initial session.
19:27After you've completed the tasks at workstation A,
19:29you may proceed to workstation B.
19:32I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously
19:34if it's all the same to you.
19:35Mr. Rimmer, that is impossible.
19:37Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.
19:40It begins.
19:41It works.
20:07Well, Mr. Rimmer, do you have a stand-up dose by
20:14um exactly what we're looking for are there any questions that you like to ask us i just want to
20:19get one thing clear in my mind this is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and
20:25become a part of the crew and the crew is you three basically you spend your time salvaging
20:32derelict spaceships playing poker and eating curries we don't do that much salvaging but you
20:38do sound like you eat a lot of curries we don't eat curry every night if that's what you think
20:43in fact i remember quite clearly last june mr lister had a pizza you remember yeah and you
20:50didn't like it but then i poured curry sauce all over and he just yummed it up and the all
20:56night
20:56poker sessions is it always strip poker it depends on how drunk we are or how much curry he's had
21:04so and this probably sounds like a stupid question you don't really have much interest
21:08in horse riding or ballet it's fine by hoje as long as we can have a curry afterwards we're cool
21:15but of course there's one or two people that we have to see but in theory if we offered you
21:19the
21:19post of replacement hologram would you accept no no no i think um i'm better off where i am
21:27but you did and meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more well thank you
21:34very much miss harrison thank you thank you very much next next candidate next sergeant sam murray
21:41ah sam now as hollywood have told my own minds come back you've got to help me what what happened
21:47exactly was it a slow deterioration in your own intelligence or did it happen in seconds seconds
21:52i'm in the middle of the assessment you've got to give me another mind patch pronto i'm sorry sir
21:55it's classic rejection syndrome once the minds are unmeshed there is nothing we can do what are
22:00you talking about well you just don't have the sort of brain that can accept an implant sir
22:07no i'm sorry sir there must be something you can do i'm afraid not but i'm winning i'm so close
22:13who's this i'm not even gone and you're choosing my replacement we thought you weren't coming back
22:19well you should have known better shouldn't you you actually expect something to go right for me
22:24arnold schmucko rimmer toss pop by royal appointment
22:30well where are you going sir
22:34i'm gonna withdraw
22:41i hear you're doing really well in the assessment
22:46well listen if you make it through maybe you'd like to have sex sometime next week
22:50i'm free wednesday morning i'm sorry i'm busy wednesday i'm killing myself
22:57floor 6120 botanical gardens
23:03arnie where have you been to helen back i've withdrawn from the challenge but you're winning
23:10i was using a mind patch a mind patch are you insane i would have done anything to get on
23:17this ship
23:18every time i look in the mirror i see this only to me it doesn't mean hologram it means halfwit
23:27hopeless hideous failure this was a chance to be somebody somebody i liked
23:32i've never met anyone like you before everyone says that listen to me mister underneath all that
23:39neurotic mess is someone nice trying to get out someone who deserves a chance to grow
23:43so you won't give up okay okay i cheated
23:50you're going to win arnie you're going to get your dream
23:54i promise you you really think
24:02i really think
24:19i won
24:20what my opponent withdrew
24:23i won
24:24i'm an officer
24:25i leave tonight
24:31look i'm not much good at big speeches
24:33and i know i haven't always been an easy guy to get on with
24:37and i know that given the choice i probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends
24:42but i just want to say
24:45that over the years
24:47i have come to regard you
24:50as
24:51people
24:52i met
24:55i just better go okay
24:57see you smacket
24:59transfer
25:00transfer
25:09here are your quarters mr rimmer
25:13there must be some mistake these are commander crane's quarters
25:15oh didn't you know
25:17she was your opponent
25:29navigation officer rimmer reporting sir
25:31arnold
25:32welcome aboard
25:33i trust everything's to your
25:35permission to speak sir
25:37i wish to resign my commission sir
25:40resign
25:41uh may i
25:42ask your reasoning please
25:44flight commander crane has taken leave of her senses and fallen in love with me sir
25:48a love
25:48surely not
25:50commander crane is far too intellectually advanced to submit to a mere short-term hormonal imbalance
25:55that's why she withdrew from the challenge and allowed me to win sir
25:58mr rimmer what you are suggesting is that somehow she cared more for your happiness than she did for her
26:03own life
26:04am i
26:06yes sir
26:06i suppose i am
26:07sir
26:08and now you are doing something equally unfathomable
26:10resigning so that she can be reinstated
26:12even though here
26:12you could have everything
26:14a position of command
26:15an effective physical presence
26:17everything
26:18perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass this note on to her sir
26:22i understand your gesture but
26:24really your resignation solves nothing after all the two of you will still be
26:28apart
26:29permission to return to red dwarf sir
26:31you ready
26:39oh and sir
26:40you're wrong
26:41you're wrong
26:42we won't be apart
26:43we just
26:44won't be together
26:50i cannot believe i just said that
27:03it's cold outside
27:05there's no kind of atmosphere
27:06i'm all alone
27:08more or less
27:10more or less
27:10let me fly
27:11and let me fly
27:12let the fogs get clear
27:13fun
27:14fun
27:15fun
27:16in the sun
27:18sun
27:19sun
27:20i want to lie
27:22Ship flexing on my toes
27:23Taking fresh mango juice
27:26Goatfish joes
27:28Grabbing on my toes
27:30Run, run, run
27:32In the sun, sun, sun
27:36Run, run, run
27:39In the sun, sun, sun
27:52Run, run, run
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