- 12 hours ago
Tv, Red Dwarf II -Series 1-E9
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TVTranscript
00:02This week's Red Dwarf contains scenes which are unsuitable for younger viewers and people of a nervous disposition.
00:10You have been warned.
00:58The End
00:59Danger, do not attempt to open this pot.
01:03The creature inside is extremely arseful.
01:06It feeds up the human psyche, seeks out the deranged,
01:11the unbalanced, and the emotionally crippled.
01:21Pardon me.
01:29Oh, yeah.
01:31Oh, yeah.
01:54Not too little.
01:56Not too much. It's important.
02:05Here we go.
02:07I just thought I'd give your quarters a quick tickle around, sir.
02:10I won't take a gif.
02:12I'm not not great in cooking.
02:22I didn't know you could do that.
02:24Oh, yes, I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal socket,
02:27allowing me to...
02:28allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable.
02:32Like a what?
02:33Oh, you name it.
02:34Buzz surrer, power drill, hedge trimmer, even an egg whisk.
02:38What? So you just, like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a
02:42Spanish omelette?
02:42I certainly can, sir.
02:43But it's amazing how few people are prepared to eat them.
02:52Oh, goodness me, I must have sucked up a penny.
02:57I'd better, uh, change the old bag there.
03:00Yes, off.
03:01Just go and get a fresh one.
03:03Mmmmm.
03:04Something smells good.
03:05What is it?
03:06It's me.
03:07I love this aftershave.
03:10You are five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life, man, so set your taste buds on Def
03:16Com 3.
03:17Hey, you've really made an effort here. Where'd you get all this stuff?
03:20I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man.
03:22So enter the medical unit and nick some gear.
03:24This is a scalpel.
03:26I'm supposed to cut my food with a scalpel.
03:28Something that's been inside someone's guts.
03:30It's all been cleaned.
03:31It's all been washed.
03:32It's clean.
03:33Something that long ago in history may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation.
03:39I'm supposed to eat with this.
03:41Get the onion salads out of the fridge.
03:46Embryo refrigeration unit.
03:47How many times?
03:49It's clean.
03:49It's been cleaned.
03:52Onion salads, onion salads.
03:54It's in the kidney bowls.
03:55Next to the colostomy bag with the chilli sauce in it.
04:01Here we go.
04:02Here we go.
04:16Here we go.
04:23Come on, man.
04:24Come on.
04:24It's ready.
04:24Sit down.
04:25Sit down.
04:26One kebab for you.
04:28One kebab for me.
04:32Lemon juice.
04:35What the hell is that?
04:36It's a syringe.
04:39What kind of syringe?
04:40It's for cows.
04:41It's for cows.
04:42Artificial insemination.
04:43It's been washed.
04:45It's clean.
04:45It's all been sterilized.
04:46You want lemon juice or what?
04:49Excuse me.
04:50What about the meal?
04:52This isn't a meal.
04:53This is an autopsy.
04:55It's the starter, man.
04:56What about the main course?
04:57Hey, you think I've got nothing better to do than hang around watching you serve chicken chasseau in a stool
05:01bucket?
05:04I don't know.
05:05You pull out all the stops.
05:07You make an effort.
05:10Try and do something with a little bit of extra class and where does it get you?
05:16I mean, very cheeky.
05:39Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I just need to get a...
05:43Sorry.
05:44Oh, no, Dryden. It's all right.
05:46Just running a few of the old home movies.
05:50That's me there.
05:51Those are my brothers.
05:52John, Frank and Howard.
05:54God, we were close.
05:56The four musketeers we used to call ourselves.
05:58Well, the three musketeers, actually.
06:00They always let me be the Queen of Spain.
06:03Marvellous.
06:04I mean, yes, I was the butt of the occasional practical joke, but I mean, nothing sinister.
06:14Just the usual boyhood pranks, you know, apple pie beds and black-eye telescope.
06:21And one time, they even hit a small landmine in my sandpit.
06:26Took it from my father's gun cabinet.
06:28How were they supposed to know it was going to go off?
06:31Marvellous guys.
06:32Oh, and who's that there? An old girlfriend, Mr. Arnold, sir?
06:36Hardly.
06:37Oh, no. Not really your type, I suppose. Silly old trout like that.
06:41She's my mother.
06:43Oh, God. I am so sorry, sir.
06:46Just forget it.
06:48Oh, how can I forget it, sir?
06:50I compared your mother to a foolish, aged, blabbery fish.
06:54I said she was a simple-minded, scaly old piskeen.
06:59I just made it.
07:00She was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping senility.
07:04A putrid amphibious gill breather with less brains than a mollusk.
07:10Forget it.
07:13Ah, freeze.
07:14There she is. Magnificent woman.
07:17Very prim, very proper.
07:18Some say austere.
07:20Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof.
07:22Not a bit of it.
07:24Just despised idiots.
07:25No time for fools.
07:27Tragic, really, otherwise we'd have got on famously.
07:31Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll go now.
07:33This is very clearly a very private family moment.
07:36I've no fish to embarrass you further.
07:38I'll let myself trout.
07:41Oh, sir, I don't...
07:44I don't want you to panic, Arne, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very
07:51well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board.
07:55You mean like last time, when you got us all worked up, we went scooting off down to the cargo
08:00bay, complete with bazookoids and backpacks, and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks.
08:04But I didn't recognise the genetic structure. Biologically speaking, they were a completely new life form.
08:11Absolutely ridiculous. I felt the total goit.
08:14Well, I think you should take a butcher's.
08:15Where is it?
08:16I lost it. Somewhere along the habitation decks.
08:19Like in a moment's pieces.
08:24Enjoying your meal, sir?
08:25It's delicious, Griton.
08:27De-smaggin-licious.
08:29It's my own recipe, you know.
08:30Charmy kebab diablo.
08:32It's beautiful, man. It's like eating molten lava.
08:35I've got one for Peterson once, you know.
08:37He was in sickbay for the weed.
08:39What a weed.
08:39Oh, yeah.
08:44Say it.
08:45I didn't say anything, sir.
08:54You seriously liked him that time, sir?
08:56He's trying to kill me.
08:57Oh, it's a good one, huh?
09:01It went under here. I can see it.
09:03Are you all right, sir?
09:05Shhh.
09:05Smag, it's gone.
09:06What?
09:07How could that be? Where could it go?
09:10We'd better get out of here, Craig.
09:11Something very weird is going on.
09:14Something very, very...
09:15It's a little pain in the blood.
09:19What's that?
09:20Oh, my underpants.
09:22I'm streaking.
09:23Oh, God.
09:24My book's alive, man.
09:25I'm getting smaller.
09:26Oh, no.
09:27Help me, please.
09:28Oh, please.
09:29I'm begging you.
09:32Oh, my God.
09:33Oh, my God.
09:34Oh, my God.
09:35Oh, my God.
09:36Oh, my God.
09:39Oh, my God.
09:45Oh.
09:45Oh, God.
09:47Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked.
09:51Oh, my God.
09:51You'll bonk anything, won't you, Liston?
09:54Right, and the boxes, where are they?
09:55I threw them over here.
09:57You're sure?
09:57There's nothing here, just the blanket and the pillows and the snake!
10:02Snake!
10:03Snake!
10:04I don't know what's going on!
10:07What the snag is going on?
10:10I hate snakes.
10:11They freak me out totally, snakes.
10:13They are my all-time second worst for you, guy.
10:17What's your first?
10:22This?
10:32Are you okay?
10:34As far as we can tell, yes.
10:36So, where'd the creature go?
10:37Well, it turned into a sort of splodgy, squelchy thing and squidged off down the corridor.
10:42What is it, some kind of alien?
10:44No, it's from Earth. Man-made.
10:46I checked out its DNA profile.
10:48Some kind of genetic experiment that went wrong.
10:51Apparently, it was an attempt to create the ultimate warrior.
10:54A mutant that could change shape to suit its terrain and deceive its enemies.
10:58So, what did go wrong?
11:00It's insane.
11:02It feeds off your negative emotions.
11:04Fear, guilt, anger, paranoia.
11:07Drains them out of its prey.
11:08It's a sort of emotional vampire.
11:11It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion.
11:13In Lister's case, it took him to the very limit of his terror and then sucked out his fear.
11:18So, now Lister's got no sense of fear?
11:21Precisely.
11:22What are we going to do?
11:24Well, I say let's get out there and twat it.
11:29Lister, you're ill.
11:30Just relax and leave this to us.
11:32I could have had it in the sleeping courses, but you saw it.
11:34You saw it.
11:35It took me by surprise.
11:37Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine.
11:41But once I've gone, we'll give it one.
11:43One swift knee and a happy sax, it'll drop like anyone else.
11:47Right, well, bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy.
11:50I'm going to rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with a tonsil end.
11:54Yes, yes, very good.
11:55I'm going to stick my fist so far down this cub, I'll be able to pull a label off its
11:59underpants.
12:00Yes, yes, quite a bit.
12:05What's that, pal?
12:05You starting trouble?
12:07Just a little something to calm you down, sir.
12:09Come on, then, all of you slacks.
12:12All together on one at a time.
12:14I don't care.
12:15It's all the same to me.
12:19Thank God for that.
12:20Right.
12:20As far as I can see it, we have two options.
12:23One, take it on and kill it, or two, run away.
12:27Who's for two?
12:29Two sounds pretty good to me, sir.
12:31He's always been my lucky number.
12:33Right, well, let's load up Starbuck and get out of here.
12:35What about Lister?
12:36Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside.
12:38He'll be safe here until we're ready to go.
12:40Remember, it's out there, and it could be anything.
12:43Let's move it.
12:44What about the Space Corps Directive, which states it is our primary overriding duty
12:48to contact other lifeforms, exchange information,
12:51and wherever possible, bring them home?
12:54What about the Rimmer Directive, which states
12:56never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?
13:13It's here.
13:15We...
13:17Somewhere.
13:19Set the bazooka words to heat-seeker.
13:23When you see it, aim roughly in its direction, and the heat-seekers will do the rest.
13:43It's in the shadows.
13:44It's in the shadows.
13:44It's in the shadows.
13:44It's in the shadows.
13:44It's in the shadows.
13:44There.
13:45There.
13:45There.
13:50Sorry.
13:50My fault.
13:51False alarm.
13:54Idiot.
14:02I don't understand it.
14:03Holograms don't produce heat, and neither do androids.
14:06What are they homing in on?
14:11So long, guys.
14:48Oh, come on.
14:49Give me a break.
15:00You got it, or you ain't.
15:02Boys, you ain't even close.
15:06Cat, where are you?
15:08Over here.
15:10Stay put.
15:10They'll come and find you.
15:12Keep talking.
15:13Shh.
15:25What are you looking for?
15:27Good.
15:28It's dangerous.
15:29It can turn into anything.
15:31It sounds like it's scary.
15:33It is, baby.
15:34Believe me.
15:36It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work.
15:40Well, I guess you're right.
15:42And smart.
15:43I bet you have to be smart.
15:45Smart?
15:46Yeah, you definitely have to be smart.
15:48Like I say, it can turn into anything.
15:50You've got to have your witch about you all the time.
15:52Don't let up for one second, or it'll just creep up on you and blip, your dog meat.
15:57Come on, man.
16:00You know, you're really quite a guy.
16:02Brave, smart, handsome.
16:05Oh, you think handsome.
16:07Oh, come on.
16:09You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
16:12Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
16:14You know what I'd really like?
16:15Mm-hmm.
16:16I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
16:22Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.
16:25Let's see, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds' time?
16:30Nothing I couldn't cancel.
16:32Hi.
16:33I'm the cat.
16:35Hi.
16:36I'm the genetic mutant.
16:38Glad to know me.
16:40Jenny who?
16:48It's got him.
16:49It's got him.
16:50Oh, my goodness.
16:52Are you all right?
16:54Is he dead?
16:56Unconscious.
16:57But according to the Sci-scan, he appears to have lost an emotion.
17:00Which emotion?
17:01Lost an emotion.
17:01It's got him.
17:01Lost his vanity.
17:02This is your fault, Crichton.
17:04My fault?
17:05We were supposed to stick together.
17:06We let the cat run off alone.
17:08But it wasn't.
17:08I mean, I...
17:09He trusted you.
17:10Now look at him.
17:11Oh, please.
17:12I feel so.
17:13Guilty.
17:14Yes.
17:15Guilty!
17:27No!
17:28No!
17:34No!
17:34No!
17:36No!
17:41Let's just get, let's bring, get out of here
17:43It's got my guilt
17:44I have lost a single emotion which prevents my transgression
17:47The, the moors, mares and manners of civilized society
17:50Stop your blithering, Crichton
17:51Come on, grab the cap and let's go
17:53Oh, screw you, Hadron head
18:04Where have you been? Let's go
18:05I've been getting myself comfortable, man
18:11Come on, Crichton, you're holding us all up
18:13Yeah, who cares
18:15You're going to get us all killed
18:16So?
18:28Oh, look, it's Bonehead's mum
18:32Mother
18:33Hello, dear
18:34What are you doing?
18:36What does it look like, darling?
18:38You've just made love to my mother
18:40Yeah, do you want to make something of it?
18:42It's not your mother, it's the polymorph
18:44You just had my mum
18:46Five times?
18:47He was like a wild stallion
18:50Very bril, very proper, almost our steer
18:55Don't fall for it, Arne
18:57It's trying to make you angry
18:58Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action
19:00He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room
19:05I think I'm going to be sick
19:07Don't get angry, that's what it was
19:09Blister and mother, it's a dream come true
19:13So energetic
19:15I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out
19:20But the fishings had been here, too
19:23Terrific
19:23That sounds enchanting
19:25Well done
19:26Aye, the things this boy can do with Alphabetti spaghetti
19:31I'll call it, Arne
19:34Alphabetti spaghetti
19:52Who is it now?
19:53It's gone back down to the cargo bays
19:55Sleeping off a four-course meal
19:57Of fear, vanity, guilt and anger
19:58You better get it before it comes back for seconds
20:03Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine
20:06That salivates unspeakable slobber
20:09Doesn't mean it's a bad person
20:12What we've got to do is get it round a table
20:14Put together a solution package
20:16Perhaps over tea and biscuits
20:17Look at him
20:18You can't trust his opinion
20:19He's got no anger
20:20He's a total dork
20:21Good point, Crichton
20:23Let's take that on board, shall we?
20:26David, David
20:27Do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?
20:30Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold
20:32Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores
20:34Get the nuclear warheads
20:36And then strap one to my head
20:38I'll nut the smagger to oblivion
20:41Right, well, that's very nice, David
20:43Let's put that on the back burner
20:46Cat, let's have your contribution
20:47Come on
20:48Hey, don't ask me my opinion
20:50I'm nobody
20:50Just think I'm not here
20:52That's lovely, thank you very much
20:56Moving on a step
20:57And I hope no one thinks that I'm setting myself up as a self-elected chairperson
21:01Just see me as a facilitator
21:03Crichton, what's your view?
21:04Don't be shy
21:05Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy
21:07And while it's busy eating him alive
21:09We can creep up on it unawares
21:11And blast it into the stratosphere
21:13Good plan
21:15That's the best plan, yeah
21:16Let it get knackered eating me to death
21:19And you guys can just, like, catch it unawares
21:21Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes
21:25But here's my proposal
21:27Let's get tough
21:28The time for talking is over
21:31Call it extreme if you like
21:32But I propose we hit it hard
21:34And hit it fast
21:35With a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign
21:40And while it's reeling from that
21:43We follow up with a whist drive
21:45A car boot sale
21:46Some street theatre
21:47And possibly even some benefit concerts
21:49Okay
21:50Now, if that's not enough
21:52I'm sorry, it's time for the t-shirts
21:55Mutants out
21:57Chameleonic life forms
21:58No, thanks
22:00And if that's not enough
22:01Well, I don't know what will be
22:02Has anyone ever told you
22:04That you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubeau
22:07Who has all the wit, charm and self-possession
22:10Of an Alsatian dog
22:11After a head-swap operation?
22:14Listen, you bunch of tarts
22:15It's clobbering time
22:18There's a body bag out there
22:20With that scud ball's name on it
22:21And I'm doing up the zip
22:23Anyone who gets in me way
22:25Gets a napalm and a man
22:27I think everybody's right
22:29Except for me
22:30So just forget that
22:31I don't know what it's called
22:33I think we're all beginning to lose sight
22:36Of the real issue here
22:37Which is
22:38What are we going to call ourselves?
22:40And I think
22:41It comes down to a choice
22:43Between the League Against Salivating Monsters
22:45Or my own personal preference
22:48Which is the Committee for the Liberation and Integration
22:50Of Terrifying Organisms
22:51And their Rehabilitation Into Society
22:56One drawback with that
22:57The abbreviation is Clitoris
23:02It needs killing
23:04And if that means I have to sacrifice my life
23:07In some stupid, pointless way
23:08Then all the better
23:10Yes, why not?
23:11I mean, even if it doesn't work
23:12It'll still be a laugh
23:13Right, let's just cut all of this business
23:16And get on with the
23:17Last one alive's a wet pounce
23:20Who's with me?
23:21Well, the car stickers aren't ready till Thursday
23:24But sometimes
23:25One just has to act spontaneously
23:27People, let's go
23:28Hey, I'm coming too
23:29Maybe I can bounce some money on it
23:32Maybe if I hand you guys over
23:34It'll let me go
23:35Move it, suckers!
24:12Come on, you chicken
24:15Show us your slobbery chops
24:17And we'll blow them off
24:20Here they are
24:22Nice, juicy humans
24:23Come and get them
24:24Here, mutie mutant
24:49Phew-wee
24:50What am I wearing?
24:52Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs?
24:55Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately
24:57Hey, you're all a bit fucked up there
25:00You can say that again
25:02Come on, let's go and clean up
25:04If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear
25:06I'm going to have to resign my post
25:07As most handsome guy in the ship
25:23It's the world's up
25:37It's the world's up
25:38There's no kind of atmosphere
25:40I'm all alone
25:42More or less
25:43Let me fly far away from here
25:47Fun, fun, fun
25:50In the sun, sun, sun
25:53I want to lie
25:55Shipwraps and combatoes
25:57Drinking fresh mango juice
26:00Goldfish shows
26:02Nibbling at my toes
26:04Fun, fun, fun
26:06In the sun, sun, sun
26:10Fun, fun, fun
26:13In the sun, sun, sun
26:20Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
26:25oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
26:25oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
26:25oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
26:26oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
26:32oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
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