- 10 hours ago
First broadcast 25th December 1979.
Jeffrey gets an invite to the Young Conservatives' Dinner Dance but Ann will be away so she persuades him to take Mildred instead.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Patsy Rowlands - Beryl
Sandra Payne - Penelope
Tricia Thorns - Barmaid
John Lyons - Barman
Mike Lewin - Customer
Jeffrey gets an invite to the Young Conservatives' Dinner Dance but Ann will be away so she persuades him to take Mildred instead.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Patsy Rowlands - Beryl
Sandra Payne - Penelope
Tricia Thorns - Barmaid
John Lyons - Barman
Mike Lewin - Customer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:38Oh, my God.
01:08And you've really no idea what her name is?
01:09No.
01:10Oh, we tried several, but the only one she's reacted to so far is Dinner.
01:15Mum says I can keep her.
01:17Only if we can't find the owner.
01:19I've tacked a postcard on the tree to say we've found her,
01:22but no one's shown any interest.
01:23Oh, apart from that Tomcat at number 27.
01:26Well, I expect you'll soon find a name for her.
01:29Well, Daddy already has.
01:31He found she'd done a mischief on his daily telegram.
01:34Yes, well, I'm not opening the door every night
01:36and calling that out into the street.
01:38Go and give her a nice saucer of mild.
01:40Oh, yes, you like that.
01:41There we are.
01:43There, got her.
01:44I think she understood that.
01:46Her motor's going.
01:49Well, have you done all your Christmas shopping, Mildred?
01:51Yeah, more or less.
01:52What about you?
01:53Oh, it's all going to be a bit of a rush.
01:55I'm taking the children up to spend a weekend with their granny first.
01:58Geoffrey's not going.
01:59No?
01:59But I must go.
02:00She hasn't even seen Tarquin yet.
02:02And you're not really a granny until you've had a damp lap.
02:06Look, if Mr. Fulmire's going to be on his own, you know, for a few days,
02:10is there anything I can do to help?
02:12Well, there is, actually.
02:13I've got some fish heads in the fridge.
02:15If you could pop in and put them on a saucer.
02:17Oh, he's more than welcome to eat with us.
02:19He's...
02:20Oh!
02:22You mean the cats!
02:29An otherwise sporting match was marred when a hooligan hit the Fulham goalkeeper with a toilet roll.
02:36Oh, yeah, those were the days when I still had the aim.
02:42George, I've been thinking.
02:44If it...
02:44What's all this mess?
02:46Oh, I'm bringing my scrapbook up to date.
02:48Oh, here.
02:49Listen to this.
02:50It's about me.
02:52Shy hero rescues drowning boy, then disappears into crowd.
02:56About you?
02:58Well, sort of.
02:58I was one of the crowd he disappeared into.
03:01I don't know why you bother to keep all this rubbish.
03:05Slag Lane Secondary School.
03:07Oh, yeah, we had our own magazine.
03:09They were doing this item about me getting expelled.
03:12Oh, fascinating.
03:13Oh.
03:15Masked man attacks women on common.
03:18Why are you keeping this?
03:20No.
03:21I'm keeping a bit about the best budgie competition.
03:23Oscar came for.
03:24Oh, the glamour of it all.
03:27Do you think so?
03:27Yeah.
03:28Oh, we can read it if you like.
03:29It's sort the story of my life.
03:31Hmm.
03:31It's boring, George.
03:34Oh, I see.
03:36Perhaps you think I'm boring, too.
03:42And I gave her some of that blackberry jam, too.
03:45Blackberry jam?
03:47Well, she was sniffing at it.
03:50I didn't think I had slide jam.
03:52No, but they're quite fond of caviar.
03:55I wouldn't mention it to your father.
03:57He was saving that.
03:58Anne.
03:59Anne, I think I finally arrived.
04:01So you have.
04:02Hello.
04:03No, no, you don't understand.
04:04What is the biggest social event of the year?
04:07Um, Palace Garden Party.
04:10Ascot?
04:10Huh?
04:11The Hampton Wick Young Conservatives Christmas Dinner Dance.
04:14Oh, God.
04:15Silly of me.
04:16And guess who's been invited to make the speech welcoming the mayor?
04:19You have?
04:19Mm-hmm.
04:20I thought you looked like a cat with cream.
04:22Or caviar.
04:24Uh, yes.
04:24Well, you'd better know if you're not what it's up to, Tristram.
04:30That's a bit short notice, isn't it, Saturday?
04:32Mrs Clifton-White had to drop out at the last moment.
04:35Her Pekingese got the sniffles.
04:36Now, you'll have to decide what you're going to wear.
04:39Nothing.
04:40Look, Anne...
04:40Geoffrey, I won't be there.
04:42You know I'm spending the weekend with Mother.
04:43But that was before.
04:45Look, the main speaker is supposed to take the floor first.
04:47I can't go out there and dance by myself.
04:49And I can't let Mother down.
04:50You'll just have to find somebody else to go with.
04:52Look, Anne, I think that you...
04:55What did he mean, caviar?
05:01You never show me any respect, do you, Mildred?
05:04You treat me like a kid.
05:05Well, of course I respect you, George.
05:07Here you are.
05:08Use a handle and don't dribble.
05:11Other women, they respect their husbands.
05:13So do I.
05:14Yeah, well, it's easily said.
05:15No, it's true.
05:16I respect other women's husbands.
05:19Yes, Penelope, quite understand you.
05:21Warmest regards to Michael.
05:24Well, any luck?
05:26No, Penelope's all fixed up.
05:28She's going with that fat buffoon of her husband.
05:30Well, that's the last one on my list.
05:32Then you'll just have to go on your own, Geoffrey.
05:34Well, that'll make 13 at the top table.
05:37Look, Anne, darling...
05:39No, Geoffrey, I'm sorry.
05:41You know Mother's been looking forward to seeing the children.
05:43Well, she can see them some other time.
05:44Go and visit the old bat after Christmas.
05:47Old bat!
05:48Yeah, slip of the tongue.
05:49Excuse me.
05:50Anybody at home?
05:53Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
05:55No, no.
05:56Come in, Mildred.
05:57How would you feel if your husband called your mother an old bat?
06:00Did he?
06:01I'll deal with him later.
06:03I just popped in, dear, because I forgot to get your keys.
06:06Oh, of course.
06:06Oh, lucky you did, actually.
06:08Yeah.
06:08Because Geoffrey's got a problem.
06:09Anne, I don't think...
06:10You see, there's this dinner dance on Saturday and he can't find anyone to go with him.
06:13Oh.
06:14You wouldn't be free by any chance, would you?
06:16I know it's a lot to ask.
06:17Oh, I'd be delighted.
06:22Thank you, Emma, so much, Mr. Formwell.
06:24Pleasure.
06:28Or perhaps I ought to buy something new.
06:30Yeah, that's another thing.
06:31It means dressing up.
06:32I've only got the one suit.
06:34You'll make me stand with me hand over the frayed bit all evening.
06:38Right, George.
06:39I mean, you'll be much better off staying at home.
06:41Put your feet up.
06:42Watch the telly.
06:43All right, it's understood.
06:44I'm not going.
06:45Understood.
06:46Of course, I mean, if it's important to you and you want me to come...
06:49No, I don't.
06:50Eh?
06:52I haven't even got you a ticket.
06:54I'm going with Mr. Formile.
06:58Well, it's because of him.
06:59I had to have the ball taken down.
07:01I mean, it's bad for business when customers keep finding darts in the bottom of their Guinness.
07:05Oh, my goodness.
07:06Yes, I don't know what it is about him that gets my back up.
07:09I think it's his habit of...
07:10Afternoon.
07:11...butting in on private conversation.
07:13Sir, you must have seen me coming.
07:14Tell up.
07:15No, I didn't.
07:17I'm still here.
07:18Come and let's have one in the snug.
07:20On the house.
07:21Good idea.
07:28Ah, afternoon.
07:29I don't know if you remember me.
07:31I spilt beer on your poodle.
07:34Yeah, he was a nice little fetter.
07:44Rofer.
07:45George Roper's a name.
07:47You don't mind if I talk to you, do you?
07:49Oh, dear.
07:59Cheer up.
08:00It may never happen.
08:05Are you talking to me?
08:07Yes.
08:08If you'd rather be alone.
08:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:11You're new here, aren't you?
08:13You haven't heard about me.
08:14I'm just here temporary.
08:16The regular barmaid's down with flu.
08:17Oh, good.
08:18Oh, no.
08:20It's a nice pub here, isn't it?
08:22Yes, yes, very nice.
08:23Though, um, between you and me, some of the customers, they're a bit, um, a bit standoffish, you know, a
08:30bit.
08:31Toffee nose.
08:31Yeah.
08:32Yeah, you're away with words, you have.
08:38I thought I'd buy something tasteful.
08:40I didn't want Mr. Four Mile to be ashamed of me.
08:47It's lovely, Mildred.
08:48Yeah.
08:49You don't think there are too many sequins?
08:52No, not really.
08:53No.
08:54The lady in the shop said it was absolutely me.
08:58Of course, it means I can't wear me mauve stole with it.
09:02Not with red.
09:03No, no, right.
09:04How did Mr. Roper react when you told him?
09:06He doesn't mind you going with Geoffrey.
09:08What, George?
09:09Yeah, he was livid.
09:11But who cares?
09:12I mean, he's such a misery, Anne.
09:14I mean, he's never got anything to say for himself.
09:17And a double top was needed, you see, just to win the game.
09:20Um, well, a sort of hush fell over the bar as I took me aim, see.
09:25And everyone moved well back.
09:26Well, so as not to distract me.
09:28Oh, come on.
09:30Quick flick of the wrist, and there it was.
09:32A double top.
09:33Uh, well, no, no, no.
09:35It would have been, only this aeroplane went over.
09:39Some people have got no thought for others.
09:42Never did like that woman's hat, anyway.
09:45I'll, uh, I'll have a brown ale, please.
09:47Oh, what about you?
09:49Oh, a brown ale would be nice.
09:50Thank you, Mr. Roper.
09:51Oh, please.
09:52Uh, George.
09:53Oh, my name's Beryl.
09:55Oh.
09:56Oh, that's a nice name, yeah.
09:58I knew her Beryl once during the Blitz.
10:00She had her leg blown off.
10:04Still these things are sent to try us?
10:06Oh, yeah.
10:07Well, those were the good old days, weren't they?
10:09When people needed each other.
10:11You know, people who need people,
10:13they're the luckiest people in the world.
10:16You know, you're quite a philosopher.
10:18It's nice to talk to somebody intellectual.
10:22I mean, me budgie and me goldfish,
10:25well, they're good company, but it's not the same.
10:28You, um, you live on your own, do you?
10:32I'm a widow.
10:33Oh, really?
10:34Oh, that's a coincidence.
10:35So am I.
10:37I'm a widow.
11:12Oh, you're back.
11:14You must be a mind reader.
11:15That's just what I was going to say.
11:17I have a brown now.
11:19Is she not here anymore, then, Beryl, the other lady?
11:22No.
11:23Just as well, too.
11:24From what I hear, she spent half her time
11:26chatting with some bit of Ruff.
11:31Damn miracle drugs.
11:34There was a time when flu used to hang on for weeks.
11:44Beryl.
11:45Oh, hello, George.
11:46I was hoping you might come in.
11:48Oh, well, well, well.
11:50Ah.
11:50Ah.
11:51I thought we weren't going to have any more of our little chats.
11:54Ah, crisp.
11:55You spoil me.
11:58I was afraid you might find our little chats boring.
12:01Oh, no, no, no.
12:03No, it's me people find boring.
12:05Never.
12:06Yeah.
12:06Oh, no, it's hard to believe, but even my wife doesn't understand.
12:09Oh, never understood me.
12:11Same with my husband.
12:13But I never knew him.
12:14Oh, I mean, he was a good man, of course,
12:16but he only had one thing on his mind, you know.
12:21It.
12:23What, you mean doing things?
12:25I'm not against it.
12:27In moderation.
12:29Oh, no.
12:29It can be overdone.
12:31Of course, I think companionship is more important.
12:35Oh, I agree.
12:39Errol, um, I don't know if you're doing anything this evening.
12:42No, why?
12:43Well, um, I wonder if you'd like to come round my place
12:46and have a look at my scrapbooks.
12:48That would be fascinating.
12:50Really?
12:51Oh, good.
12:51Well, shall we say nine o'clock?
12:53Give me time to see if the coast is clear.
12:54Er, the room is clear.
12:56Clean.
12:57Lovely.
12:58Hi.
12:58Have a crisp.
12:59No, I'm right.
12:59I've got this one.
13:01You wouldn't enjoy it anyway, George.
13:03Oh, it's right.
13:04Don't you worry about me.
13:05You go after the ball.
13:06Leave me here among the ashes.
13:07Look, George, if they serve jelly,
13:10I'll bring you some back.
13:11You'll like that.
13:13You're not getting round me with a doggy bag full of jelly.
13:16George, is this?
13:17I don't like to see you sitting here looking so miserable.
13:20I mean, I know that you've had...
13:21Oh, that'll be Mr. Formile.
13:26Ha-ha, right on time.
13:27Couldn't be better.
13:31Oh, hello, Mr. Formile.
13:33Come on in.
13:34There we are.
13:35I'll just get my bag.
13:37I meant to get a new one.
13:43Don't worry.
13:44The, er...
13:45The old bag will be fine.
13:48I'm sure she will be, but what about me?
13:52George, have you heard from Anne and the children?
13:54Oh, yes, yes.
13:55They're all right.
13:56Tarquin was sick over his granny.
13:59Excellent judgment in one so young.
14:01Well, er...
14:02George, we'd better be going, I think.
14:04George, are you going to be all right on your own?
14:06Oh, yeah, yeah.
14:07Yeah, well, there you are.
14:08Now, if you get lonely, pop next door.
14:11Talk to the cat.
14:12I'll try and have her back before midnight.
14:14Oh, yeah, right.
14:15Right, thank you, sir.
14:17Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
14:19When the clock strikes twelve, her make-up falls to pieces.
14:24Here.
14:32Oh, Mr. Formal.
14:43Did I do the right thing as we were coming in?
14:46I mean, is it overdoing it to curtsy?
14:48A little, yes.
14:50He was only the doorman.
14:53Can I get you a drink?
14:54Yes, please.
14:55I'd like a Campari and peppermint.
14:58Yes, er...
14:58Very Luton Airport.
15:01I don't...
15:03Penelope, hello.
15:05Geoffrey.
15:05Well, where's Michael?
15:07Oh, he's stuck in the Straits of Gibraltar.
15:09I always said he should lose a little weight.
15:11Rough weather, he says,
15:13but I think he wanted to get out of coming tonight.
15:15He didn't quite fit in last year.
15:17Well, they have widened the doors since then.
15:19So you're, er, on your own, are you?
15:22Yes.
15:24Oh, er, could I have a Campari and, er...
15:27Oh, I'll have a white wine.
15:30Well, I wish you'd let me know.
15:31We could have come together instead of, er...
15:34Oh, er, this is, er, Mrs. Roper.
15:36Er, this is the Honourable Mrs. Penelope Fitzsimmons.
15:40Hello.
15:41Oh.
15:43How do you do?
15:48Oh, I'll have a black wine.
15:48Ah, do-do-do-do-do-do.
15:50Ah, ba-ba-dum-ba-bom-bom.
15:52Ah, da-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
15:55Oh, do-do-do-do.
15:58Ah, ha, ha, ha.
16:00All right.
16:01Soft lights, brown ale.
16:04Almost forgot the pickled onions.
16:07But Michael needs more exercise.
16:10I'm trying to persuade him to take up horse riding.
16:12Well, let's hope the RSPCA doesn't get to hear about it.
16:16Geoffrey, you're a beast.
16:18Do you ride at all, Mrs. Roper?
16:20Um, only buses.
16:23Yes, sir.
16:24Your glass appears to be empty, Penelope.
16:26Let me get you another drink.
16:27And Mrs. Roper?
16:28Oh, yes.
16:31Um, I hate to mention this, but, um...
16:34There's a price ticket hanging down the back of your dress.
16:37What?
16:39Well, I must say, it's, uh, it's, uh, very reasonable.
16:43Here we are, then.
16:45Penelope, Mrs. Roper.
16:48Well, uh, we should be going in in a minute.
16:50Uh, we're sitting at the same table.
16:51We can have a nice long chat about, uh...
16:53Ah!
16:54Oh, sugar.
16:55Sugar.
16:58I beg your pardon?
16:59Uh, my, my dress, Mr. Forman.
17:01I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it off.
17:03Well, I don't think...
17:03Oh, no, no, no, no.
17:05At home?
17:06I'm, I'm sorry.
17:07I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave.
17:08I do hope it won't spoil your envy for you.
17:11Not at all.
17:12I, I, I suppose I ought to drive you home.
17:14Oh, no, no, no.
17:15I'll get a taxi.
17:16Be a nice surprise for George.
17:21Mere accident as royal car swerves to avoid reckless motorcyclists.
17:26I'm going to show her that one.
17:29Five to nine.
17:31George!
17:32Oh, my God.
17:39George, I'm home.
17:41Oh, I couldn't bear the thought of you sitting here all on your own.
17:44You know, why are you in the dark?
17:46Oh, uh, eye strain.
17:49What about Mr. Forman and the young Tory twits?
17:51You can't let them down.
17:53I don't think they'll miss me, George.
17:55No.
17:57My place is here, with you.
17:59Oh, yeah, hi.
18:00Oh, God.
18:00Uh, George.
18:02Will you unzip me?
18:03What?
18:03I want to get me dress off.
18:07Where are you going?
18:08Out for a walk.
18:10Oh.
18:10George, I've only spilled wine on me dress.
18:13I mean, it wasn't, I didn't mean that we were...
18:16I don't know.
18:16Oh, God.
18:21Oh, hello, Beryl.
18:22Oh, hello, George.
18:23Didn't mean to frighten you.
18:24Uh, yeah, that's right.
18:25That's the place.
18:27I could have sworn you said number 46.
18:29Well, uh, no, no, no, no, definitely number 48.
18:32Here, that's Mr. Forman.
18:32Oh, I mean Mr. Roper.
18:34That's me.
18:35Right, well, after you.
18:36Oh, right.
18:39All right, that's it.
18:40Come inside.
18:43Excuse the mess.
18:44Oh, oh, what a lovely house.
18:48Oh, everything's in such beautiful taste.
18:51Is it?
18:52Yeah.
18:54Who's this then?
18:55What?
18:56Oh, uh, oh, it's, uh, it's the milkman and his family.
19:00Yeah.
19:02I don't know why he gave it to me.
19:03Right.
19:04I do sit down.
19:05Oh, thank you.
19:06Yes, I was, uh, I was just going to say that I saw...
19:09Oh, oh, knitting.
19:12What?
19:12Oh.
19:13Oh, uh, oh, yeah, uh, well, it's, uh, it's a sort of hobby of mine, you know.
19:19Well, it passes the time, don't it?
19:21Oh, good.
19:22I see.
19:23You're a man of hidden talents.
19:25I can't wait to see your scrapbooks.
19:28Oh, scrapbooks, yeah.
19:29Uh, uh, just hang on there a minute, will you?
19:32Oh, yeah.
19:38George?
19:39I thought you were going for a walk.
19:40Well, oh, yeah, I am.
19:41Uh, I just thought I'd take my scrapbooks, give me something to read while I'm walking.
19:53Ah, here we are.
19:54You never told me you had a cat.
19:57What's her name?
19:58Uh, Fido.
20:00Right, uh, what would you like to drink?
20:02Oh, uh, a brown ale, please.
20:03Brown ale, right.
20:04Right, uh, uh, I've got, what's up?
20:11Just checking me toy cupboard.
20:14Stupid place, isn't it?
20:17Oh, um, ah, here we are.
20:20Right, uh, coo-voisier.
20:25Stuff on it.
20:26Oh, no, no.
20:27Now, now, now.
20:30Just hang on a minute, will you?
20:37George?
20:39Oh, uh, just, uh, come for the brown ale.
20:41Well, yeah.
20:42I thought I'd have a little drink while I'm having a little walk.
20:45George!
20:47George, I want to talk to you.
20:48Right, you go ahead.
20:49I'll come back later.
20:50George!
20:53Sit down.
20:54Yeah, but listen, me all did up.
20:54Sit!
20:57Um, please.
21:04George, this, um, this isn't very easy for me.
21:07Oh, well, perhaps another time.
21:08No, no, no.
21:11I haven't been a very good wife to you, have I?
21:13No, no, don't argue.
21:14I wasn't.
21:17Well, you know, when two people have been married for 26 years,
21:20well, they, they, you know, they take each other for granted.
21:23They, they forget the little things that make up a marriage.
21:28Little things?
21:29Mm.
21:31Well, like, respect.
21:33I haven't shown you a lot of respect, have I, George?
21:36I mean, I've, I've tried, but not hard enough.
21:40Mildred, what's all this leading up to?
21:43Well, it's just that, George, you and I together, right,
21:47we've got the whole evening stretching ahead,
21:49and I want you to do something.
21:51Do something?
21:54Show me your scrapbooks.
21:57Oh.
21:58Yeah.
21:59Yeah?
21:59All right.
22:05Oh, there you are, George.
22:07I was wondering where you'd got to.
22:09I like your photo.
22:11You never tell me you've won prizes.
22:13Oh, yeah, the knobbly knees competition.
22:17Beryl, um, there's something I've got to say.
22:20Yes?
22:21Well, um, you know what I said the other day in the pub?
22:27I'm afraid I lied.
22:29You mean you did it, the double top?
22:31Well, no.
22:32No, um, I'm not a widow.
22:36I'm still married.
22:39Oh.
22:40Well, I don't know why I said it.
22:41Somehow I didn't feel married when I was talking to you.
22:45And now you do?
22:47Yeah.
22:49Well, marriage, it's...
22:51It's like dandruff, isn't it?
22:55You can brush it aside, pretend it isn't there,
22:57but it still comes back.
23:02Well, I'm glad you told me, George,
23:05before things went too far.
23:07Yeah.
23:08Your marriage, is it a happy one?
23:12Not often.
23:14But sometimes, and that's all you can expect, isn't it?
23:17But there's no reason why we shouldn't still be friends.
23:20Oh, no.
23:21No, of course we can be friends.
23:24But, um, if you don't mind, I, um,
23:27I think I'll be going now, George.
23:29All right.
23:30Me, um,
23:33me budgie and me goldfish.
23:35They'll be waiting.
23:37Well, I'll see you around then, Belle.
23:40Yeah.
23:41Oh.
23:46Bye-bye.
23:46Bye, George.
24:00Oh, oh, this one's interesting.
24:02Look, look at this, look.
24:04Hampton Wick Flower Show.
24:06An unusual entry by George Roper.
24:09Oh, yeah.
24:10Turned out they didn't have a class for buying weed.
24:15It's fascinating, George,
24:17but, uh, I think I'll read the rest tomorrow.
24:20Oh, I don't know, George.
24:22We've had our ups and our downs, haven't we?
24:24Yeah.
24:25Yeah.
24:26More downs and ups.
24:27There you go.
24:30But I'll tell you one thing, George.
24:31Hmm?
24:32In spite of it all,
24:34and underneath it all, you know,
24:36I love you, George.
24:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
24:40I love you too, Beryl.
24:43What?
24:44What?
24:46What?
24:48What?
24:48What?
24:49What?
24:49What?
24:50What?
24:51What?
24:51What?
24:52What?
24:57What?
25:03What?
25:10What?
25:10What?
25:12What?
25:12What?
25:13What?
25:14What?
25:15What?
25:17What?
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