- 1 day ago
First broadcast 19th December 1977.
Mildred decides to have a spring clean and turf out some of Geoege's clutter, including his gas mask.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Peggy Sinclair - Mrs. Eastham
James Cosmo - Keith
Shirley English - Barmaid
Mildred decides to have a spring clean and turf out some of Geoege's clutter, including his gas mask.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Peggy Sinclair - Mrs. Eastham
James Cosmo - Keith
Shirley English - Barmaid
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00For more information, visit www.fema.org
01:00Oh, and this suit. I mean, this suit can go. Oh, look, look at it. Look a bit of peles. Green mouldy.
01:11That's velvet. This is me teddy boy outfit.
01:15You're not thinking of wearing it again.
01:17Oh, yeah, they were the good days, Mildred. Oh, yeah, there was me, Slasher, Cycle Chain Sid. Yeah, we all had nicknames.
01:24Yes, I remember yours, George. Bathwater. Why did they call you that?
01:30I don't wish you to discuss it. Oh, come on, George. Why bathwater?
01:35Because I used to run away. Yeah, well, I didn't like fighting. Some of those old ladies could get very vicious.
01:41Oh, typical. Oh, and these. You can sling these, George. I mean, look at them. Three-inch rubber crepe.
01:48Well, I might wear them again. If you cough, you'll bounce right up to the ceiling. Sling them.
01:52Oh, it's daft spring cleaning in the middle of winter. I started it in spring. I'm still at it.
01:57Now, come on, help me down with this case. Come on, quick, quick, quick.
01:59Oh, God. Oh, I shouldn't be doing this. My back isn't what it used to be.
02:07Your front isn't what it used to be, I don't know.
02:10I mean, what have you got in that thing?
02:13Well, memories. Treasures which I've accumulated over my lifetime.
02:17Well, don't bother to open. It would just sling the lot.
02:18Oh, yeah, hang on. Some of this could be very valuable.
02:21Valuable? Oh, yes.
02:24Oh, what am I bid for this Dick Barton annual?
02:28I mean, do I hear a million guineas?
02:30Sold to the Arab gentleman.
02:33Oh, really? This is absolute nonsense, George.
02:37Have you heard my friend? I'm sleeping in front of my friend.
02:40Pardon?
02:41I'm all sorry.
02:43Oh, it's in half warm in there.
02:45I was wearing this when I first met you.
02:47Yes, I know.
02:47And then you took it off.
02:50And you've left it off ever since.
02:52Oh, well.
02:54Now, what's this lot?
02:55Hang on, hang on. What's that?
02:57Oh, yeah.
02:58This is a club I used to belong to.
03:00Yeah?
03:01Yeah.
03:02Membership card, secret code book.
03:05The Ovaltinis?
03:06Yeah.
03:08Oh, that was a good club, that was, yeah.
03:10We are the Ovaltinis, happy girls and boys.
03:13I've got expelled in the end for drinking Born Vita.
03:15Oh, you have led a rich, poor life, haven't you, George?
03:21Yeah.
03:21Hang on, these could be worth a few.
03:23Bob?
03:23What?
03:24Jean Crooper.
03:25Yeah, I used to like her.
03:27Big Bill Campbell and his Rocky Mountain rhythms.
03:30The Stargazers are on the air.
03:32I think I'll take these down and play them.
03:35If you are going downstairs, you can take the dog for a walk.
03:38Yeah, all right.
03:39First.
03:41Right.
03:45Rubbish.
03:47Rubbish.
03:50Rubbish.
03:50My dearest Dorothy.
04:03Darling Dorothy.
04:07Dorothy.
04:11And then fasten struct 1A into slot 2B.
04:162B.
04:172B.
04:19Or not to be.
04:22Yeah, well.
04:24It doesn't seem to fit.
04:26And it doesn't look like the Queen Mary.
04:29Oh, no.
04:30It doesn't, does it?
04:31You sure you haven't muddled up the box lids?
04:34I might have done.
04:35Oh, well, we'll get your mother to sort it out.
04:37Why has she gone to the doctors?
04:38Is she ill?
04:40No, no, no.
04:40No, she's not ill.
04:41Is she going to have a baby?
04:43Where did you get that idea from?
04:46I heard you're having a row last night.
04:49Well, we don't know yet, then.
04:51How would you like little brother or sister?
04:53I'd rather have a hamster.
04:57Yes.
04:58But if she is having a baby and we have to have bunk beds,
05:01can I have the top one?
05:03We'll see.
05:05Geoffrey.
05:05Ah, there's your mother.
05:07You stay here.
05:08I want to have a little chat with her.
05:09Finish off the Queen Mary.
05:12Well, what did he say?
05:17Good morning, Mrs. Formal.
05:18Sorry to keep you waiting.
05:19Lot of flu about.
05:20Do sit down.
05:20Warm for the time of year.
05:21Anne.
05:22I've had the result of your test.
05:23You're not pregnant.
05:25You're not?
05:26Oh.
05:27I knew you'd be upset.
05:29Oh, I am.
05:29I am for your sake.
05:31Then why are you smiling?
05:32Well, to cheer you up.
05:33Sit down, darling.
05:35Oh, I was sort of looking forward to the patter of tiny feet.
05:39Well, I might buy Tristram a hamster.
05:40No, no, I'm sorry.
05:43But look at it this way.
05:44I mean, it would have affected our standard of living.
05:46No foreign holiday next year.
05:48We could have put him in kennels.
05:49Oh, no, no.
05:50No, I am sorry.
05:51But, well, let's be fair.
05:53It's not as if we were trying for a child.
05:55It would have been the result of, well, one of us forgetting to take the pill.
05:59Well, it's not all my fault.
06:01It takes two to tango.
06:02Well, so long as it doesn't happen again.
06:04What?
06:05Never?
06:06No, not that.
06:07I mean, this.
06:08This business.
06:10Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are.
06:12Also means I can trade the car in.
06:14Oh.
06:17Ah, Mildred, good morning.
06:19Oh, pardon?
06:20Sorry, sorry, Mrs Roper.
06:21Do come in.
06:22Oh, thank you.
06:23Is Anne doing anything?
06:24Absolutely nothing.
06:25Do go through.
06:30It's, uh, it's Mrs Roper.
06:31Do sit down.
06:32Oh, thank you.
06:34Hello, Mildred.
06:36Hello, Anne.
06:37Now, how about a little celebration drink, hmm?
06:39What are you celebrating?
06:40Well, uh, uh, the fact that you've come round here.
06:43Oh, no.
06:44No, no, not for me, thank you.
06:45I've just come to have a little chat with Anne.
06:47Ah, well, I think I'll just, um, stroll down to the pub, then.
06:50Yes, have your celebration drink there.
06:52Quite.
06:54Well, he seems very cheerful.
06:56Yes.
06:57It's more than you are.
06:58Yeah, well, I've...
06:59I've had a bit of a shock.
07:01Oh?
07:02Yeah, I found these letters.
07:04All in George's handwriting.
07:06Oh, I know I shouldn't bother you about it, but, you know, you're the only friend I've got.
07:16Dorothy?
07:17Who's Dorothy?
07:18I don't know.
07:19But he's been writing letters to her for years.
07:21And they're very...
07:23intimate.
07:24Yes, my word, they are.
07:27Well, it's probably an old girlfriend, Mildred.
07:30Look, the last letter he wrote was four months ago.
07:32Was it?
07:33Yeah, look.
07:34Oh, yes.
07:36Well, they couldn't have been posted, otherwise you wouldn't have found them.
07:38Well, it's probably just a first draft.
07:40I mean, they're full of mistakes.
07:41I mean, look, your eyes are like limpid poles.
07:44No, we've got to face it.
07:48And these are love letters.
07:51My husband is writing to another woman.
07:53Ah, thank you.
07:59So, there's all a false alarm there, eh?
08:01Yes, thank heavens.
08:02And not for the first time either.
08:04Cheers.
08:05It's women, you see.
08:06You can't rely on them.
08:07That's why I had the op last year.
08:09The op?
08:10Oh, you mean, um...
08:11Vasectomy.
08:13Yes.
08:14Do you wear badges?
08:15I do.
08:16And a tie.
08:18There's to advertise.
08:18Yes.
08:23Oh, do you see, eh?
08:28I reckon that St Bernard fancied you.
08:30Where exactly did you have it done?
08:32Well, the usual place.
08:33St Barnaby's.
08:35Oh.
08:35Uh, half a bit, please, civil.
08:37Oh, afternoon.
08:38Morning.
08:39Go on, what were you saying?
08:40I know several chaps have had it done.
08:42Graham.
08:43Nick.
08:44And civil.
08:45Cyril?
08:46We must have been wrong about him.
08:47Obviously.
08:48In my own case, my vasectomy was absolutely necessary.
08:51Oh, yeah.
08:52Have you had that done to you?
08:54What?
08:55Yes.
08:56It was absolutely necessary.
08:57You can't tell.
08:58Not from your voice.
09:00Mr Roper, do you mind we're having a private conversation?
09:02It's all right.
09:02You rely on me.
09:03It won't go any further.
09:05The people over the road have got a tomcat who's had that done.
09:09It's not the same.
09:10Well, it certainly isn't.
09:11Doesn't want to know these days.
09:13It's a completely different operation.
09:15Will you have another?
09:15I didn't think you could have it done more than once.
09:18Another drink?
09:19Oh, yeah.
09:20I'll have half a bit of it.
09:20Come on.
09:21I mean, I don't know what to do for the best.
09:25I mean, should I put him back?
09:26Pretend I've never found him?
09:27Could you do that?
09:29No, I could not.
09:31So you'll, uh...
09:32You're going to tackle him?
09:34Like a rugby forward.
09:35Oh, thanks for lending me your ear.
09:40Pleasure, Mildred.
09:42Bye.
09:42Bye.
09:46Am I going to have a baby brother?
09:49Uh, not this time, no.
09:51Will I ever have one?
09:53Very likely.
09:55Only don't tell Daddy.
09:56Oh, dear.
10:03Oh, it's a bit nippy out there.
10:06Still, I'll go for a good walk.
10:10Yeah, I met what's staying from next door in the pub.
10:12Oh, in the park, in the park, park.
10:15Now then, I've been looking forward to playing these.
10:18Which one shall we have?
10:20Oh, yeah.
10:22Oh, you'll like this one, Mildred.
10:23Hey, hey, hey.
10:31Jealousy
10:32Was over, my jealousy
10:35Your heart was broken
10:39And angry words were spoken
10:43George, I am not in the mood.
10:46Oh, that makes a change.
10:48I've got a boat to pick up you, George.
10:51Come and sit down.
10:53Sit!
10:57Now, George.
10:58Have you got anything to tell me?
11:00Freely?
11:01Without any prompting from me?
11:04Is it anything to do with me using your nightie to clean my motorbike?
11:09No, it is not.
11:11It is much more personal.
11:13Happy anniversary, Mildred.
11:15Oh, it's not our anniversary, George.
11:18You have been doing something behind my back, secretly, ever since we were married.
11:26Oh, there.
11:28Yeah, well, it's not uncommon, Mildred.
11:30I mean, lots of men...
11:30Lots of men use their wife's toothbrush.
11:34I am talking about these.
11:38Well, darling, Dorothy, where do you find these?
11:42In that suitcase.
11:43Oh, my God, yes.
11:45Is that or is that not your handwriting?
11:47Well, it could be a very clever four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four...
11:50Yes, it is mine.
11:53All right, George.
11:54Who is she?
11:55Who is this Dorothy?
11:57I'd rather not say.
11:58Do I know her?
11:59No.
11:59Well, yes, in a sort of way.
12:01Is it that one in the pet shop with the funny eye?
12:04Certainly not.
12:05Ah, then it's the barmaid in the British Legion.
12:08The one with the wig and the twitch.
12:10You haven't got a very high opinion of me, have you?
12:12No, I haven't, George.
12:14I dream about your eyes.
12:16Your ruby red lips.
12:18Your silken hair.
12:19Well, there's just an expression, Milted.
12:23I mean, there was never anything physical between us.
12:25That I can believe.
12:28I worship the ground you walk on.
12:31Well, you've never said that to me.
12:33All right, I'll say it to you.
12:34I worship the ground she walks on.
12:35George.
12:37And I refuse to discuss the matter any further.
12:39Come on.
12:41Welcome back.
13:28Take your hands off my personal things, can you?
13:33They were private letters.
13:35I thought you didn't want to talk about it.
13:37I don't.
13:45Private letters.
13:55That's right, George.
13:56Attack is the best form of defence.
13:59I'm not going to attack you.
14:00No, I didn't think you were.
14:03Look, George, I want to talk about our marriage.
14:06Oh, put your pickles away.
14:10Now, it's not always been perfect, George.
14:12I've had to take the rough with the...
14:14rough.
14:15At times, it has been pretty boring.
14:18And those were the eye spots.
14:20Well, calm down, Mildred.
14:21Yes.
14:22All right, George.
14:23What I wanted to say is, it's not too late.
14:27For what?
14:28To save our marriage.
14:32I mean, I've been through quite a lot over the years, George.
14:36For a long time, I thought all marriages were miserable.
14:39Oh, they are, Mildred, yeah.
14:41Very miserable.
14:42Apart from ours, that is.
14:43But I mean...
14:44Look, just look on those letters, George, as the last straw.
14:49What, new as a camel?
14:50Yeah.
14:52If you like.
14:54And ask yourself, do we need help?
14:57Do we need help?
14:58I don't know.
14:59Well, ask me.
15:00Do we need help?
15:01Yes, we do.
15:02And don't forget to take your satchel.
15:11He wants to take this to school to show his teacher.
15:14Ah, yes.
15:14Yes, fine.
15:15Very good.
15:16Anne, I've been thinking for the past day or so about this little false alarm.
15:22All right.
15:23I do solemnly swear to be more careful in future.
15:26Unless I forget.
15:27What I have in mind will make that unnecessary, if you go along with it, that is.
15:35Oh, Geoffrey, I've always wanted another one.
15:39No, no, no.
15:39I've kept all Tristram's baby cleanse.
15:41No, that's...
15:42Anne, sit down.
15:46Whilst I would quite like to have another child, I mean, people are starving in India.
15:52Well, I'd have it in England.
15:57What I was thinking was that, well, the world is overpopulated and, well, they are looking
16:01to us for an example.
16:03Well, why us?
16:04Why not the people next door or across the street?
16:07So I've decided that the best thing is for me to, er, to, er...
16:11To what?
16:12Have a vasectomy.
16:13You've broken a ring off the Queen Mary.
16:26Just along here.
16:28Do come in.
16:30It's very kind of you, Mrs. Easton, to see us at such short notice.
16:33Oh, that's quite all right.
16:35George!
16:37Oh, you're ridiculous.
16:39What can a marriage guidance council do that we can't do for ourselves?
16:42Well, Mr. Roper, we can talk.
16:43Talk.
16:44She never stops talking.
16:46Do sit down.
16:47Oh, thank you.
16:50Now, let me see if I've got all this right.
16:52You're George and Mildred Roper.
16:54Yeah, I'm George.
16:55She's Mildred.
16:57And you've been married, let me see, er...
17:0024 years.
17:01Er, to each other.
17:02Yes.
17:02Quite.
17:03And you seem to be having some problems.
17:06Would you like to tell me about them?
17:08No.
17:08Yes.
17:10I assure you, Mr. Roper, everything you say will be in complete confidence.
17:13Look, Mrs. Lover, I've got nothing against you personally.
17:16I mean, you're probably a very good marriage guy.
17:18Got badges for it and that, but...
17:19The basic problem is, I want things that he doesn't want.
17:24Such as?
17:25Come in here.
17:25I didn't want to come here.
17:26Mr. Roper, just for a minute, try putting yourself in your wife's place.
17:32What?
17:32Oh, yeah, all right then.
17:34Oh, sit down.
17:36You see, she feels that your marriage needs help.
17:40Now, when did you first think that things were starting to go wrong?
17:44When we were walking down the aisle.
17:47He stood on my train and ripped it right off.
17:50I've forgotten about that.
17:51That's when the old congregation saw what was boring and what was blue.
17:58It was just an accident, Mildred.
18:01Well, perhaps we should concentrate on the things that you have in common.
18:05Well, you must have some things in common.
18:12Very tricky.
18:15Oh!
18:17Oh, no, no, no, no.
18:19We both don't like tapioca pudding.
18:21I do, George.
18:22Well, apart from her, that is.
18:25We spend a lot of time talking about the telly.
18:27Ah.
18:28She wants it off and I want it on.
18:29I like it, you see.
18:30Yes, you certainly do.
18:32He's stuck in front of it from the test car to that daft poem at the end.
18:36If the world blew up, he wouldn't notice until it came on the ten o'clock news.
18:39Oh, I'm not that mad, you're there.
18:41I have to wear my oven gloves to switch it off.
18:44I see.
18:45Well, you do seem to be a little incompatible.
18:49Yeah, I am a bit.
18:49It's this chair.
18:50It's a bit hard, isn't it?
18:53Oh, well, shall we make ourselves more comfortable?
18:56Would you like a cup of tea?
18:58Oh, thank you.
18:59Well, do sit down.
19:00And I won't be a moment.
19:05George, you're just not trying.
19:06I mean, if you think that you...
19:08What are you doing?
19:09Oh, just having a look.
19:10I bet they've got some interesting cases in a place like this.
19:12Those are confidential.
19:15Yeah, I'm not surprised.
19:16Oh, George.
19:17Oh, dear.
19:18The thing some people get up to must be double-jointed.
19:22Just pop them away.
19:23Go on.
19:24You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
19:27Here we are.
19:27Mrs. Roper, those files are confidential.
19:33Oh, well, I mean...
19:34I know I should have locked them away, but...
19:35Well...
19:36Stop it.
19:39But I wasn't looking at...
19:41I mean...
19:41Shall we sit down?
19:43Yes, I mean...
19:44But...
19:44Milk...
19:45Yes, please.
19:46But I mean...
19:46Sugar?
19:47Yes, but I mean...
19:48I would never have...
19:48Where were we?
19:50We were talking about what we had in common.
19:52Oh, yes.
19:54Did you think of anything?
19:55No.
19:56Oh, well.
19:57Well, how about the physical side of your relationship?
20:00Ah.
20:02Is that satisfactory?
20:06Well, now.
20:08Will you start or shall I?
20:10That side of our marriage is very, very private.
20:12It certainly is.
20:13Even I don't know about it sometimes.
20:16I do my duty.
20:18Oh, Mr. Roper, you shouldn't look on it as a duty.
20:20Oh, don't tell him that.
20:22It's the only edge I've got.
20:24I wouldn't mind him, you know, if he was a bit romantic sometimes.
20:27If he took me out.
20:28Oh, I took you to the wrestling match at the town hall.
20:30Yeah.
20:31And he reminded me of what I was missing.
20:34You see, he doesn't like dancing.
20:36He never takes me out to dancing.
20:37He doesn't like it.
20:38Yes, I do.
20:39I watch Terry Wogan every Saturday.
20:41No, I've found he's got another woman.
20:43Oh, blimey.
20:45Really?
20:46Yes.
20:47Dorothy.
20:48These are her letters.
20:49They're private letters.
20:50Oh, Mr. Roper, this will be completely confidential.
20:53Yeah, like Mr. and Mrs. Higgins on the trampoline.
20:55Very confidential.
20:58I'm not having it, Mildred.
20:59Well, surely a full and frank discussion can only help.
21:02Very likely.
21:02You two carry on.
21:03I'm going home.
21:04George!
21:04Should I make a further appointment for you?
21:21Well, he's fast asleep.
21:23Dropped off just as the secret five were trapped in the smuggler's cave.
21:26I can hardly wait till tomorrow to find out what happens.
21:30Enjoy it while you can.
21:31There won't be another one for you to read, too.
21:33Now, look, Anne, are we going to have an argument about this?
21:35Not at all.
21:36Good.
21:37As a matter of fact, I've made an appointment for you at St. Barnaby's.
21:42Two o'clock tomorrow.
21:43What?
21:44Yeah.
21:45Apparently, there's no pain, just a local anaesthetic and snip-snip.
21:53Snip-snip?
21:54There may be three.
21:55Snip-snip-snip.
21:56Don't do that, Anne.
21:57Then they sew you up.
21:59But they sew me up?
22:01Well, they can't do it with sellotape, Geoffrey.
22:05Two o'clock tomorrow.
22:07Ah, well, I haven't actually made a final decision on this.
22:13I mean, it is a drastic step to take.
22:16Not at all.
22:17Snip-snip.
22:18Yes, but, um, you see, these books, they cost money,
22:22and they have only been read to one child,
22:24and two o'clock tomorrow is a bit sudden.
22:28So you think you should postpone it for a month or so?
22:30Well, if you say so, yes, or perhaps even longer, a year.
22:35Oh, Geoffrey, let's have an early night and discuss it.
22:38Oh, good idea.
22:39Hmm.
22:43Well, I saw it sort of every day and eventually fell in love.
22:48Eventually we got married,
22:49and I must know it's my wedding day.
22:51Well, that seems like yesterday.
22:53And I wish it was tomorrow, because I'd cancel it.
22:55But she looked marvellous.
22:57On the wedding day, she was married in white, actually.
23:00She'd just finished her shift at the flower mill.
23:01Oh, in actual fact, we had a marvellous wedding, Greg.
23:06Rubbish.
23:07I don't know what they were laughing at.
23:09Do you know what they were laughing at?
23:11Neither do I.
23:14Mildred, you haven't said a word to me since we come back from the wass name.
23:18Aren't you ever going to say anything to me again?
23:20Shut up.
23:23That's more like it.
23:25I've been thinking, perhaps I should tell you about Dorothy.
23:29I'd like to.
23:30I've never told anybody else how I feel about her.
23:32Except her.
23:33Oh, well, that's it.
23:34You see, I didn't send them.
23:36I sort of, well, I admired her from a distance, so to speak.
23:40Who is she, George?
23:42Well, I feel a bit foolish.
23:44I wrote them to Dorothy L'Amour.
23:47Dorothy L'Amour, you know, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby.
23:55Well, they were fan letters.
23:57Oh, why didn't you tell me, George?
23:59Because I thought you'd laugh at me.
24:01Oh, fancy thinking that I...
24:06George, oh, love.
24:13Dorothy L'Amour?
24:17Oh, my God.
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