- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 1st November 1976.
When the Fourmiles go on holiday Mildred has a key to their house so she can water their plants but George abuses this by going in to watch the couple's superior colour television.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Keith Smith - TV Repairman
John Lyons - Decorators
Raymond Farrell - Decorators
Jenny Till - Receptionist
When the Fourmiles go on holiday Mildred has a key to their house so she can water their plants but George abuses this by going in to watch the couple's superior colour television.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Keith Smith - TV Repairman
John Lyons - Decorators
Raymond Farrell - Decorators
Jenny Till - Receptionist
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:30Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
01:00Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
01:02Oh, lovely.
01:09Oh, here.
01:10I see Lady Mountbank has had a Knightsbridge flat done over by David Hicks.
01:15Oh, don't worry. The police are getting for it.
01:18Where's the pickles?
01:19Decorated, George.
01:21Oh, look at it.
01:23That lovely washed Chinese carpet on the wall.
01:27On the walls?
01:28What was he put on the floor? Oil paintings?
01:31Oh, and a completely circular bath.
01:34Hmm. Not sure I'd like that.
01:37Well, you spent hours chasing the soap.
01:38Yeah.
01:39And you wouldn't know which end to get in.
01:42Here, we got any beetroot?
01:43Cupboard.
01:44Oh, and a bedroom look.
01:47Oh, little fleur-de-lis all over the ceiling.
01:50Oh, well, you get those if you leave the window open.
01:53Where'd you get that rubbish from?
01:55The dentist gave it to me.
01:57Well, he left it in his waiting room for me.
01:59Look, George, now, that is how I'd like our lounge done out.
02:03What? With a bog in the middle?
02:05The other page.
02:09Oh, oh, yeah, fair and nice, fair and nice.
02:11Yeah.
02:12Oh, plain magnolia walls.
02:16Those lovely velvet curtains.
02:18We should not...
02:19George?
02:20George?
02:24God damn it.
02:28You left me before I finished, George.
02:31You're making a habit of doing that.
02:32What in the world?
02:34Wacky Races is on, Mildred.
02:35Leave it, George.
02:37You can do without dastardly and muttly for once.
02:40Promises are made to be kept.
02:42Eh?
02:43And I promised myself you're going to decorate this lounge.
02:45Now, look here, Mildred.
02:46I intend to enjoy my holiday.
02:48Here.
02:49I've drawn up a detailed Eiterunnerin.
02:51Eiterunnerin.
02:52I've drawn up a plan.
02:54What plan?
02:55Well, after Wacky Races, there's the World of Sport.
02:58Then there's the Woody Woodpecker Show.
03:00George!
03:00George, you cannot watch television for a whole week.
03:04I mean, you'll go blind.
03:07I thought that was when you...
03:09No, that's television as well.
03:12I mean, what did you used to do before you got it?
03:15Well, I used to watch the radio.
03:17Oh.
03:18Now, look, George.
03:19This is the colour I want.
03:20Look.
03:21Magnolia.
03:22That's cream.
03:23It's magnolia, George.
03:24And I think two coats would do...
03:26Cream.
03:27It's magnolia, George.
03:28And two coats would do very nicely.
03:34What did you say?
03:35Magnolia.
03:37Can I turn the telly on now?
03:38Yes.
03:39All right.
03:40Yeah.
03:42Yeah, I'll think about it, Mildred.
03:43That's all I'm going to do.
03:44Oh, blimey.
03:50The picture's gone now.
03:51Oh, George.
03:53What a shame.
03:55Oh, ivory.
03:57Ivory would be nice.
03:59I'd just think of it, Anne.
04:04A miss clearing off the river.
04:06Four miles fancy flicking across the water.
04:08Oh, it hardly seems fair.
04:10Someone should go to Scotland and warn the salmon I'm coming.
04:13I think it's a bit cruel, catching fish.
04:15Well, you never said that before.
04:16You never caught any.
04:19And what are Tristram and I supposed to do
04:20while you're out there flicking your fancy?
04:23Well, you can be tying up my flies.
04:26Well, I might as well.
04:29Last year, I hardly saw you, but for the whole week.
04:31Well, last year.
04:33Do you remember that one I nearly caught?
04:35Made Moby Dick look like a sardine.
04:37Hmm.
04:38Shall I pack your underpants or are you going native?
04:40Eh?
04:40You know, just a kilt and a stiff upper lip.
04:43Oh, not like them.
04:45You've seen the height of the thistles up there.
04:46Phew.
04:48Yeah, there was a sort of low hum, a crackle,
04:51a quick clash of Penelope pitch stop, then nothing.
04:54I'll give you a couple of kicks and a thump.
04:58Yeah, well, we've recently introduced
05:00even more sophisticated methods than that.
05:03How old is this thing?
05:05Oh, well, about 20 years.
05:07They don't build them the last, do they?
05:11It is electric, I suppose.
05:13I mean, it's not run on gas or paraffin, is it?
05:15Oh, no.
05:16No?
05:16Oh.
05:20Blimey, look who's in here.
05:22Gilbert Harding.
05:23Oh, here we are.
05:26Do you take sugar?
05:27Well, only if it's in tea or something.
05:29Yes, Tom.
05:30All right, then.
05:31Well.
05:32Tom.
05:32Will it live?
05:34Hard to tell.
05:35Oh, it's all those years of crossroads.
05:38It's sap they will to survive.
05:41It's like the government.
05:42Bloody big cabinet and nothing works.
05:44I'll have to take it back to the shop.
05:48It'll be a wig, mine.
05:49Oh, no.
05:50Oh, George.
05:52We'll have to entertain ourselves in the old-fashioned way.
05:54Not while I'm on holiday, Mildred.
05:58What's wrong with it?
05:59I don't know.
06:00Might be pregnant.
06:01It's big enough.
06:03Oh, just think, George.
06:04You could be the proud father of a little black-and-white portable.
06:07Well, you don't care, do you?
06:08What am I going to do all next week?
06:10Oh, primrose.
06:12I mean, primrose would go with the carpet.
06:16Well, let me see.
06:17The gas is off, the paper's cancelled, the milk...
06:20Ah, who's watering the plants?
06:21Mrs Roper.
06:22Oh, I must give them the key.
06:23You mean they'll actually be allowed in here while we're away?
06:26No.
06:26I thought she could do it with a water pistol through the letterbox.
06:29Oh, well, can't we let this go?
06:30Actually, I think he's on holiday, too.
06:32He'll be home all next week.
06:33I know.
06:34I know he is.
06:34Why do you think I chose this week to go away?
06:36Oh, er, I'll drive the first hundred miles, then you take the wheel.
06:38But you'll still be driving?
06:39Absolutely.
06:41Er, have you owned a Tristral?
06:42Yes.
06:43Good, good.
06:44Then we may as well...
06:44Er, yes.
06:46That's the one with the kitchen sink in.
06:47Yes, I believe you.
06:49Oh, er, do you think I ought to take something to Scotland to bring back my catch?
06:52No, I think they sell jam jars in Scotland.
06:55Check the back-door, Anne.
07:00Daddy!
07:03It's just a second.
07:04Hang on.
07:05What is it?
07:10All my toys want to come with us.
07:12I've told you, Tristram, one toy only.
07:14I can't bring my mind up.
07:15You pick one.
07:17That one.
07:18What's wrong with this one?
07:19All right, that one.
07:20I'd like to take this one.
07:21Oh, good heavens.
07:22Anne, out of this lot, which one do you want to take?
07:25Er, Tristram.
07:26His toys.
07:28He wants to bring all his toys.
07:29Well, why not?
07:31You're taking all yours.
07:33The whole week, how would it be if I slipped a fiver in your pocket?
07:43Oh, well, that's different.
07:44Oh, yeah?
07:44How long would it take then?
07:45Seven days.
07:46Ah, good.
07:48Well, what's different about that?
07:50Oh, well, I'd be working with a fiver in me pocket then, wouldn't I?
07:53Yeah, but, I mean, oh, God, I'll have to go to bed early every night.
07:58Take as long as you like, love.
08:01Oh.
08:03Well, I mean, we could talk to each other, George.
08:06I could tell you what's been happening over the last 20 years.
08:09Phew.
08:10I wish he had an on-and-off switch.
08:13Is it really going to be a week?
08:14Look, you can come and visit or send a get-well card.
08:20It'd be like losing a friend.
08:21I'm going to take it out now.
08:24No!
08:25Don't look round.
08:27Best you remember it as it was.
08:34Oh, come on in, love.
08:36Have you got time for a cuppa?
08:37Not really, Mildred.
08:38We're rushing a bit.
08:39Oh, well, give my love to the Loch Ness Monster.
08:41Yes, I will.
08:42He's loading up the car.
08:43Oh.
08:44There's just one more thing, Mildred.
08:46Yeah.
08:46When I water the plants, I generally talk to them.
08:48Yeah.
08:49You're balmy.
08:50No, no, no.
08:50It's when they start talking back, you balmy.
08:55Ah, I think that's Morse code for something rude.
08:57I'd better go.
08:57Right, love.
08:58Say goodbye, George.
09:00Ah, balmy.
09:01Oh, God.
09:02You must excuse him.
09:03He's in mourning.
09:04His television set's just died.
09:05Oh.
09:06Well, you're welcome to go in and watch ours, Mildred.
09:08Oh, no, no, no.
09:09Shh.
09:10It's the first week I've had him to myself since the opening night of ITV.
09:14Have a good week.
09:15And you.
09:16Ooh.
09:16George.
09:34Oh, sorry.
09:34Oh, I'd be starting just now.
09:38Hudson would be saying,
09:40Come along, Ruby.
09:41Leap sharp.
09:42Put your money in trusty staving bank, Rose.
09:45For heaven's sake, George.
09:47I've sat here the entire evening listening to impersonating Amy Turtle, Columbo, Frank Spencer,
09:54and they all sound exactly the same.
09:56Yeah, well, I miss it, Mildred.
09:58Oh, here.
09:59Who's this?
10:02I don't know.
10:03Only wise on a windy day.
10:06For heaven's sake, George, stop talking about the television.
10:09Yeah, oh, sorry.
10:10I mean, let's talk, George, or play a game of cards, or have an early night.
10:18Let's talk or have a game of cards.
10:21Yeah, poker.
10:22Now, that's a good game.
10:23All right, then.
10:24As long as you promise not to cheat.
10:26No.
10:27You spoil everything you do.
10:29Well, I wouldn't mind if you were subtle about it, but you'd bite the corners off the aces.
10:33All right, all right, we'll talk.
10:35What do you want to talk about?
10:37Decorating.
10:38I'm not going to do it.
10:39Right.
10:40So much for that.
10:41You pick a subject.
10:42Yeah, right.
10:45Do you think Elsie Tanner will ever get married again?
10:48Oh, for God's sake, George, go next door and put on their set.
10:52Watch that one.
10:53Oh, yeah.
10:54I am full today.
10:55I am full today.
10:55I am full today.
10:55I am full today.
11:27Oh, hello? Is that Farrell and Lyons, decorators, prompt and efficient service, estimates free?
11:40Yep, speaking.
11:41Oh, I'd like a job doing. My husband can't manage it, so I thought I'd try you.
11:47Hang about. This could be an obscene phone call.
11:50It's just that I want my lounge decorating. Magnolia. And I want it done as soon as possible.
11:56I'll raise you a quid. Well, I don't know about that, madam. I have got a full house. Schedule.
12:02All yours.
12:04However, let me just have a look in my diary. Oh, dear. Oh, well. We can't let Sir Charles down, can we?
12:11Ah, you're in luck. I've just had a cancellation. I can just fit you in this afternoon.
12:17Oh, lovely.
12:18Here, you only had a pair of jacks.
12:21Yeah, I know.
12:24Round the hell, sir. Round the hell, here.
12:28Oi, come on. Hey, get off.
12:31That's it.
12:32That's all you think about, isn't it? Food and whittling.
12:35I've a good mind to it.
12:37Oh, it is a nice dog, isn't it, eh?
12:40Good, good, good, good, good, good.
12:41Well, it's all settled, George. The man's coming round to give us an estimate this afternoon.
12:46Who, David Hicks?
12:47The decorator. And they can start straight away.
12:50Oh, right. Well, I'll be next door. There's cartoons on, in colour.
12:54George, you've spent all week next door. We've hardly spoken to each other.
12:59No. It's nice, isn't it?
13:03There are bones inside him, you know. You can go for them, if you like.
13:12Oh, God.
13:13Oh, God.
13:17And that concludes our project for children.
13:20Next on our TV is racing from Red Park, starting with the one-top chest.
13:23Yeah, well, hang on. I'll be back in a minute.
13:29Oh, we are honoured. What happened? Did the set burst into flames?
13:32No, I ran out of beer.
13:34Where do you put it? You're like a sponge on legs.
13:38Your lunch is nearly ready.
13:40Hey, what is it?
13:41Deviled fish fingers.
13:43Oh, I'm not hungry. Besides, it's racing on.
13:46Look, George, I warn you. If you aren't here when I put this on, the dog's going to get it.
13:50Oh, serves it right.
13:53Oh, excuse me. Mr. Roper.
13:59Oh, yeah, that's me.
14:00Oh, Farrell Alliance. Deferators.
14:02Oh, yeah. I'm in a hurry. There's a race on the box, you see.
14:05But you said you wanted an estimate.
14:07I do, but it's just starting and I've got a bet on.
14:09Yeah, it's a roll-up accumulator, you see.
14:11Six horses.
14:12All it needs is for this one to win.
14:14Oh, and the other five, of course.
14:17Yeah. Lucky George, it's name is.
14:19It's a gelding.
14:21Oh, it seemed an omen.
14:23The name, I mean.
14:27Hello.
14:27Hello.
14:28You're off.
14:29Now then, your wife said you want your lounge down in Magnolia.
14:32Cream.
14:32Yes, cream.
14:33Or Magnolia.
14:35Well, now, let's see.
14:36Oh, it's not a very big job, is it?
14:37Hey, hey, look, that's in.
14:38Number seven, see?
14:39On the rails.
14:40Skirting boards and architrains of white cloths.
14:43Is that right?
14:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:44Yeah, come on, come on.
14:45Use the whip.
14:45Oh, I'd say we could do the lot for, oh, 35 quid.
14:48Two coats, mind.
14:49Huh?
14:50Hey, look, he's taking the lead.
14:51Yeah.
14:52Right.
14:52Ah, we'll bring our gear in through the back door.
14:54They'll be safe tramping over your whole carpets.
14:56Ah, that's not fair.
14:57They're passing him.
14:59Okay, Dave.
15:00You bring the ram round the back.
15:01I'll open the back door.
15:03Oh, look at that, you stupid cart horse.
15:06You're going backwards.
15:07Come on, come on.
15:08Use the whip.
15:09Use the whip.
15:11Oh, blimey.
15:13Can you see that?
15:14Hard enough, it'll done better, mate.
15:17Oh, well.
15:18They want to boil him down for glue.
15:25Oh, blimey.
15:28Oh, blimey.
15:31Food, glorious food.
15:36Oh, Mildy, where's the bottle opener?
15:38Sit down, your lunch is near ready.
15:39Oh, yeah, but there's racing on.
15:40Sit.
15:41Right, now, you've never had anything like this before, George.
15:48That is a cordon bleu dish.
15:50It should be made with freshly caught river trout,
15:54but the supermarket had a special offer on of fish fingers.
15:59Well?
16:00Yeah, it's up to your usual standard, Mildred.
16:02Oh.
16:04Unfortunately.
16:04What for afters?
16:07Oh.
16:08Still to go in is...
16:09I don't...
16:09Come on, Nick.
16:11I think we're going to have to disturb you a bit, Cub.
16:16Oh.
16:17Maybe he's gone to collect his winnings.
16:19What on that horse?
16:20Oh.
16:20I could beat that with John Rickman on my back.
16:22Well, sooner we start, sooner we finish.
16:25Yeah.
16:25I could beat that.
16:27Mmm.
16:29Oh.
16:30Oh, you don't know what you're missing, George.
16:32That dessert is really delicious.
16:35Yeah, well, I don't like it, Mildred.
16:37Goosbury twit.
16:38Fool.
16:39Well, there's no call for that.
16:42Goosbury fool.
16:43Yeah, well, anyway, can I go next door and watch the telly?
16:46No, you cannot.
16:47I want you to have a word with the decorators.
16:49Well, I've already had one word.
16:51About an hour ago, they're bringing the stuff round the back.
16:53Well, they're taking their time about it.
16:54Where did you see them?
16:56Oh, outside.
16:57And they came into the, uh, they came into the...
16:59Oh, my God.
17:02Well, what, George?
17:03Oh, nothing, nothing, Mildred.
17:04I'll see you later.
17:13Well, I think they're daft myself.
17:16A pricey wallpaper like this, and they want a plain magnolia.
17:20Creams.
17:21Well, whatever.
17:24They're lucky, yeah.
17:26Stop it!
17:27Stop it!
17:28Hey!
17:29Stick it back up again.
17:30What?
17:30I picked the wrong room.
17:32It's the wrong house.
17:33You should be number 46.
17:34No, no, this is 46.
17:35Look, it says it there.
17:36Yeah, I know what it says down there.
17:38Oh, God, you stupid book.
17:40Oh, just a minute, squire.
17:42Stupid.
17:42Oh, come on, come on.
17:48Oh, for heaven's sake.
17:52Mildred.
17:53Shh, George.
17:53I'm trying to get on to the decorators.
17:55They don't seem to be there.
17:57No, they're here.
17:58What?
17:59Yeah, well, they were, but they walked off.
18:00They've...
18:01Why?
18:02Well, on account of the names I called them.
18:04Well, they were very quick to take offence,
18:06especially when I said I wouldn't pay them.
18:07What for?
18:08They haven't done anything yet.
18:09Oh, yeah, well, they have.
18:11Next door.
18:18George!
18:19Yeah, well, perhaps if we'd put the furniture back,
18:22they wouldn't notice.
18:23Well, they'll notice.
18:24Yeah, well, we could say a burglar done it,
18:28like on that commercial.
18:29Phone the decorators.
18:31Oh, well, I don't think they would come,
18:33not after what I said about his father.
18:34Right.
18:35Then you're going to have to do it.
18:36And before the four miles get back...
18:39Me?
18:46Good afternoon, Lockside Hotel.
18:53In my opinion, you're not even trying to enjoy yourself.
18:56I am, Geoffrey.
18:57It's just that I could have had the same sort of holiday
18:58standing in the shower for a week.
19:01Well, Tristram's enjoying himself.
19:03Tristram?
19:04Tristram?
19:04He's probably hiding under the bed again.
19:07Well, go on and get him.
19:08It's his holiday as well.
19:09Well, ma'am, there's a call for you.
19:11It's from abroad, London.
19:16Hello?
19:17Oh, er, er, hello, son.
19:19It's, er, it's, er, it's, er, it's me, George.
19:21George?
19:21Yeah, George Roper.
19:23Oh.
19:23I was, er, I was just ringing to, er, find out how your holiday's going.
19:28Well, it's, it's going well.
19:29Um, isn't it, isn't it costing you rather a lot of money to phone and ask me?
19:32Well, not really.
19:33I'm using your phone.
19:35Er, er, son, er, er, that, that, that, that stuff that's on the walls in your lounge,
19:41er, what's it called?
19:43Er, wallpaper.
19:45Yeah, I know, I know, yeah, but what's it called?
19:47Why?
19:48Oh, well, no, he, well, he's nice, that's all, I like him.
19:52Give it to me, George, let me speak to him.
19:54Er, er, Mr. Four Mile, er, how's your holiday going?
19:57It's still going well.
19:59Oh, good.
20:00Er, er, about the wallpaper.
20:02Look, look, look, couldn't we discuss this tomorrow when I get back?
20:04Oh, no.
20:05Er, no, not, not really.
20:07Well, I, I got in Wilson's in the high street.
20:08It costs about £6.50 a roll.
20:10Oh, I, I say, that is expensive.
20:12Well, I could afford it then.
20:14I didn't have such big telephone bills.
20:16No?
20:17Oh, yes, of course.
20:19Er, oh, er, goodbye.
20:23Erm, George, Wilson's in the high road.
20:26Get going.
20:32Er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er, oh, er
21:02Oh, my God.
21:32Oh, my God.
22:02Oh, my God.
22:11That's it.
22:13Oh.
22:16It's nice to be home.
22:18Oh, don't feel too badly, Geoffrey.
22:20I can always buy a tin of salmon.
22:22You can get my fish if you want, Daddy.
22:24No, thank you.
22:25Oh, good morning.
22:27Oh, good morning.
22:30We're in there watering the plants.
22:32We?
22:33Yes, George is in there watering the plants.
22:35Oh.
22:36Did you have a nice holiday?
22:39You mean since you phoned yesterday to ask?
22:40Yes.
22:43Haven't you got any snapshots?
22:45Oh.
22:46Oh, well.
22:48You caught a fish.
23:01George and I have been keeping an eye on the place while you've been away, haven't we, George?
23:04Oh, yeah.
23:05Morning, sir.
23:06Here, we just come into wallpaper the plants.
23:09Water.
23:09Water.
23:09Water.
23:10Water.
23:10Yeah, everything since you've left it.
23:14Very kind.
23:17Mummy.
23:20Daddy.
23:22Our wallpaper is upside down.
23:24You don't be so silly.
23:31It is.
23:33Oh, George.
23:35I, um, I can explain.
23:39It is upside down.
23:46You'll laugh when I tell you.
23:48No, no, no, you won't.
23:54No, no, no, no, no.
23:56You're listening to the
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