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  • 2 days ago
First broadcast 20th September 1976.

Mildred gets a job as a secretary in Jeffrey's estate agency.

Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Dennis Ramsden - Employment Clerk
Jeannette Farrier - Jane
Claire Davenport - Shop Assistant
Doris Kitts - Shop Assistant
Azad Ali - Shop Assistant
Alf Mangan - Unemployed Man

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:30Oh, my God.
00:31Oh, my God.
00:52Roger Moore,
00:53Gerald Harper, the Duke of Kent,
00:55the ten best-dressed men.
00:58Ah, they've missed you out again, George.
01:01Aye, they what?
01:02Just don't go into the garden, George.
01:03You might frighten the crows.
01:05What subtle point are you trying to make, Mildy?
01:08Well, at least you might try and put your socks on.
01:10I have my socks on. You told me to take them off.
01:12That was last night.
01:14In bed.
01:16George, if you go to the Labour Exchange dressed like that,
01:18you'll never get a job.
01:20No.
01:21Oh.
01:23Now, you are just not trying.
01:25How can anyone fail an interview for a lollipop man?
01:28Yeah, well, I didn't want an outdoor job, Mildred.
01:30Now, if they had indoor lollipop men, well, I'd just might...
01:32Where's my bacon?
01:33Bacon costs money, George.
01:35Cash.
01:36It causes talk
01:37if you try and buy a packet of streaky with an access card.
01:40I see.
01:41But you can afford new neck curtains
01:42just to impress the neighbours.
01:44You can't eat neck curtains, Mildred.
01:45If you don't get a job, we may have to.
01:47Yeah, well, I blame this posh house.
01:49You spent all our money on it,
01:50and now you're frightened it'd be ashamed of us.
01:52But, George, you might like work.
01:55Try it.
01:57I have.
01:58Not since the gas mantle factory broke down, you haven't.
02:00Now, George, they've warned you.
02:02They've warned you at the Social Security.
02:04They're going to cut off your supplementary benefit.
02:07I don't care what they cut off.
02:09Neither do I, not any more.
02:11I'll leave it, Mildred.
02:13You haven't turned my egg over.
02:15I am not going to eat that egg.
02:25You will get it served up to you
02:27every meal until you do.
02:30It's a battle of wills, is it?
02:32Yes.
02:33Well, it should have said stupid argument.
02:39A million and a half unemployed.
02:41Do you realise I'm going to help feed them?
02:42I don't think I've got enough plates.
02:45I'm speaking as a taxpayer.
02:48I blame Anthony Wedgwood-Ben.
02:49Oh, Geoffrey, you blame him when you get dandruff.
02:53Now, come on, Tristram.
02:54Drink your orange juice,
02:55or you'll never grow up to be a big, strong moaner like your dad.
02:59Who's Anthony Wedgwood-Ben?
03:01Ah, well, he's the...
03:02Geoffrey, he's far too young for that sort of language.
03:06Do you want me to swear, but I can't tell you.
03:08No, dear, that's Clive Jenkins.
03:09Or possibly Hugh Scanlon.
03:11And I'll tell you another thing.
03:12These figures are out of date.
03:14Should be one and a half million and one.
03:16Deborah's left.
03:17A filing clerk in your office.
03:19The thin one.
03:19Yes, well, she used to be.
03:21Thin, I mean.
03:22She's, um...
03:23P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.
03:26Well, I'm not surprised.
03:28She was S-E-X-M-A-D.
03:31Hmm.
03:32Well, it's damned inconvenient.
03:33Was pregnant.
03:34Right, lad.
03:40You wouldn't get that in a state school.
03:42I mean, she's, um...
03:43She's growing a baby.
03:45In her tummy.
03:46Can I play with him?
03:47No, no.
03:48Not for a while.
03:49He's, um...
03:50Eat your cereal.
03:52All right.
03:53Why is S-E-X-M-A-D?
03:54Now, remember, George?
03:59I don't want to see you coming through that door
04:01until you've got yourself a job.
04:02Well, you'd better leave a window open then.
04:05George, think positively.
04:07Say to yourself,
04:07I am as good as any other man.
04:10And try and believe it.
04:11I know it's difficult, but do try.
04:17Good morning, Miss.
04:22Morning.
04:23Morning.
04:23We were just going into town to look at hats.
04:25Huh?
04:26Yeah, well, I'd like to, of course,
04:27but I've got to go...
04:27She means me, George.
04:29Come on in, love.
04:30Yeah, right.
04:30Well, I'm off then.
04:32I'm as good as any other man.
04:33Oh, yeah.
04:38There we are, love.
04:39Go on in.
04:41That's it.
04:42Sit yourself down, dear.
04:44Oh, I would have been ready,
04:46but George and I had this tug of war
04:47over a fried egg.
04:48Oh, sounds like fun.
04:50You know, he's so fussy.
04:52Oh, Geoffrey's just the same.
04:53He won't touch an egg
04:54unless he knows where it comes from.
04:56I thought they all came from the same place.
04:59Free range or battery?
05:01Oh.
05:01Oh, I see.
05:02Yes.
05:03Oh, silly me.
05:05Oh, dear, oh, dear.
05:06Shall I ask my teacher what it means?
05:17What?
05:18Sex mad.
05:20No.
05:21No, don't do that.
05:23It's one of those words that means
05:25lots of things.
05:27This and that and
05:29almost anything at all, really.
05:32You didn't mind me asking.
05:35Not at all.
05:36You don't ask, you don't learn.
05:44Hey, excuse me.
05:46Any chance of giving me a tow up the wash name?
05:48What?
05:48Up the garage.
05:49My car won't start.
05:50Well, you can give me a push if you like.
05:52Well, I'd love to.
05:54Oh, that's all right.
05:54You can give me a lift up the high road.
06:00Oh, morning, Sam.
06:02There's not a lot of leg room in these, is there?
06:04Silph.
06:05No!
06:12No!
06:13There you are.
06:25Three o'clock tomorrow in the personnel department.
06:29Next, now, uh...
06:31Ah, yes.
06:32Mr. Groper.
06:36Oh, no.
06:37No, no, no, no, no.
06:38That's, uh...
06:38That's a G. Roper.
06:40Oh.
06:42Oh, yes, yes.
06:43I do apologise.
06:45Uh, Mr. Roper, your cigarette, would you mind?
06:48Oh, it's a bit wet on the end.
06:55No smoking.
06:56Now, I have your file forwarded on from your previous employment office.
07:01Radcliffe Robinson.
07:04Roper.
07:08I'm as good as any other man.
07:09Yes.
07:11Now, what sort of employment was it you were looking for for the last, uh, seven years?
07:16Well, I'm very fond of animals, mainly budges.
07:20I've always been attracted to show business.
07:23Not a lot of call for singing vets.
07:25I see you're down here as a gas mantle packer.
07:29Now, qualifications, uh...
07:31When did you leave school, exactly?
07:36Can you remember?
07:37Uh, yeah, well, it would have been about half past four, I suppose.
07:42Oh, well, you mean the year.
07:43Yeah, um, 1940-something or other.
07:46I assume you have no O or A levels.
07:49Oh, well, they didn't have education when I was at school.
07:52Well, what with the war and that, see?
07:53I see.
07:54Well, there's a vacancy here for a builder's labourer.
07:56I don't suppose you were in the war, were you, being a civil servant?
07:59I was in the war, actually.
08:01Or there's a night watchman.
08:02What did you do?
08:03Some sort of pen pusher job, was it?
08:04No.
08:05Oh, yeah?
08:05What, then?
08:06I was dropped behind the enemy lines in 1941.
08:11I spent two years organising French resistance,
08:14sabotaging munition dumps, blowing up railway tracks and so on.
08:18I was finally captured by the Gestapo, tortured,
08:21thrown into coldets from which I escaped,
08:24recaptured, escaped again,
08:26worked my way back to England and was awarded the Military Cross.
08:30Any questions?
08:32How much did a night watchman earn?
08:36£30 a week.
08:37Oh, yeah, I don't want it.
08:38Well, there's another one here.
08:42Filing clerk in an estate agency.
08:44Ah, that sounds more like it.
08:46Ah, no, I don't want to work for him.
08:50It's worth going for the interview, George.
08:52I mean, after all, he is a friend.
08:53He's not a friend. He lives next door.
08:55Well, at least you know him.
08:57Yeah, but he don't like me.
08:57Well, it's the same thing.
08:59Ask yourself this, Mildred.
09:01How come they've suddenly got a vacancy, eh?
09:02I don't know, George.
09:03I think the previous filing clerk got pregnant.
09:06Did he?
09:07Well, actually, I'm not going on.
09:10George, it was a she.
09:12It's just that they're not allowed to discriminate these days.
09:14They forget about sex.
09:16Much as you do.
09:18Anyway, this collar's too tight.
09:20If I cough, I'll burst my eardrums.
09:22Well, at least you look respectable, George.
09:24Yes.
09:25Just for once, I wouldn't be ashamed if you got run over.
09:28Oh, thank you.
09:30Right.
09:30Now, I'm all ready.
09:31Shall we go?
09:32Yeah, right.
09:33Ah, no, you're not coming with me.
09:35I'm not a kid.
09:40I just wanted to make sure, George,
09:42that you arrive safely,
09:44on time and in reasonable condition.
09:46Well, I'm not a kid, Mildred.
09:47George, there are three pubs between here and our house.
09:51You'd have been asking the way in every one of them.
09:54Good afternoon.
09:55Oh, good afternoon.
09:57We've come to see Mr. Four Mile.
09:59We have an appointment about the vacancy.
10:01Ah, yes.
10:02Miss Groper.
10:03Mr. Groper?
10:04I mean, Roper.
10:05Oh, yes.
10:07Well, he won't be a moment.
10:08Do take a seat.
10:08Oh, thank you.
10:09I can manage on my own now, Mildred.
10:11All right, George.
10:11Now, sit up straight, speak clearly.
10:14And if you must blow your nose,
10:16don't look in your handkerchief afterwards.
10:17We'll forward the details of the property.
10:25I'll be in, keep in touch.
10:26Ah, this is Roper.
10:28Yeah.
10:28Afternoon.
10:29Oh, afternoon.
10:31Afternoon.
10:32Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
10:34And won't you come in?
10:35Oh, but actually, it's George at my...
10:36Yes, it's a bit more private in here.
10:44Oh, well.
10:46Do sit down.
10:46I wasn't intending you to stay, you see.
10:48Oh, no, no.
10:49Sit down while you get.
10:50Oh.
10:52Now, then.
10:53What can I...
10:55You'll think you're moving.
10:57No.
10:58Oh, well.
11:00Just a second.
11:01Jane, about that woman about the job.
11:03When she comes, ask her to wait, will you?
11:05But she's in there.
11:06He's in there.
11:07It's Mr. Roper.
11:09Fine, Jane.
11:14The Labour Exchange gave me this for you.
11:16Ah, yes.
11:17Um.
11:19Uh.
11:21I, um.
11:22You're not altogether a woman.
11:24Well, you didn't ask for one.
11:25Well, I'm not allowed to.
11:26It's this stupid...
11:26Oh, dear.
11:28Well, look, he's not all that masculine.
11:30Well, no.
11:32He's...
11:32Don't let his moustache fool you.
11:35Right, that's it.
11:35I'm off.
11:36Sit down, George.
11:37Now, he's willing, and he's, uh, clean, and he, um, he does a very good job at packing gas
11:47mantles.
11:48Though I don't suppose that would enter into it very much.
11:51No, it wouldn't.
11:51You're wasting your time, Mildred.
11:53He doesn't want me.
11:53No, no, no, no.
11:54It's not that.
11:55Well, it is that.
11:57Look, I'm perfectly willing to, uh, to consider you.
12:01Oh, good.
12:02No, I've considered him.
12:03No, sorry.
12:04Let me see if I've got this space.
12:08You're turning me down for this job, right?
12:09Final.
12:10You will not reconsider it.
12:11Uh, yes, that's right.
12:12Ah, thanks very much.
12:13I'll just go back to the labour exchange.
12:15George!
12:17I am sorry, Mrs. Roper, but I did want a woman, and one with experience.
12:21It's a...
12:21It's a very complicated filing system.
12:24Oh, it's a colour-coded cross-index system.
12:27Yes, that's right.
12:28Oh, I used to use it before I gave up working.
12:31Did you really?
12:34Yes.
12:48La-da-dee-dee-dee.
12:50La-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
12:52La-da-da-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
12:55Now, don't start getting at me, Mildred.
12:57I did me best.
12:57I know you did, George.
12:59But he really did want a woman, you know.
13:01I mean, he wanted somebody with warmth, and, uh...
13:04a pleasant personality.
13:06Who does that remind you of, George?
13:08A woman, warmth, pleasant personality.
13:11Nobody.
13:13Me, George?
13:14He offered me the job.
13:16He did what?
13:17Now, look here.
13:18I'm not having any wife of mine going out to work.
13:20Well, I sit here doing nothing, reading the paper,
13:24drinking cups of tea while you go out...
13:26Er, when do you start?
13:33Monday morning, George.
13:35And both of us are going to have to be up at 7.30 sharp.
13:38Both?
13:39Oh, yes.
13:40I mean, if I'm going to have to go out to work, George,
13:42I need you to make me a proper cooked breakfast.
13:44I'm not going to have to be this.
14:15Come on, come on. This is a non-stick pan, you stupid slice of bacon. Oh, God. Oh, dear.
14:30Morning, George.
14:32This piece of bacon spat right in me eye.
14:35I'm not surprised the way you're treating it.
14:38Oh, I think I just have toast.
14:40I thought you wanted to cook breakfast.
14:41I'm still digesting yesterday's.
14:43What's wrong with it?
14:44I've seen tastier-looking speedway tracks.
14:47Now, come along. Hurry up, George. I'm going to be late for work.
14:50Well, hang on. I've only got one pair of hands.
14:52Do you want tea or coffee?
14:54Well, I prefer coffee, but since your tea tastes more like coffee than your coffee does, I'll have tea.
14:59Yeah, right. Well, tea it is, then.
15:01There we are.
15:04Anything interesting in the papers this morning?
15:06Hmm?
15:06Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little head about.
15:10Now, don't you start that.
15:13Oh, my God.
15:14Oh, excuse me, Miss.
15:32Well, that looks so nice, please.
15:36Whereabouts on the cow does that come from?
15:38Well, it's wrong.
15:40It comes from, er, ear.
15:42Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
15:44Well, what about that bit?
15:46Well, sort of ear.
15:49Oh, er, from that piece?
15:50Well, more or less, ear.
15:57Do you want to go for the jack?
15:59Bob.
16:04Oh, er, excuse me.
16:05Have you got one of them that a million housewives every day pick up a tin of them and say something or other?
16:11No, I don't.
16:11Oh, you don't know what I mean.
16:13Er, how's it go?
16:15La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
16:16La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
16:18La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
16:18Ah, isn't that the tune for Cross Your Heart, Lady Harness?
16:34Steady on. I was here first.
16:36Hello. Enjoying your shopping?
16:38Oh, yeah, that's funny for you.
16:40A tin of baked beans I borrowed of you yesterday.
16:48Come on in, Mr Roper. I'll put the kettle on. We'll have a nice cuppa.
16:55Oh, dear, my feet.
16:57Oh, I know, it's the shopping.
17:00Here, isn't that Greengrocer a terrible flirt?
17:03Well, he never said anything to me.
17:05Well, perhaps he prefers blondes.
17:07Here, save his shoes off.
17:08Oh, no, that's one pleasure. I'm saving till later.
17:11Yeah, I'm saving that up. Oh, dear.
17:14Oh, dear, I don't know. The price of apples these days.
17:17Oh, no, well, they don't grow on trees.
17:22Oh, there you are. You see, I'm out of touch.
17:25You know, my mother, God rest her, in the old days,
17:28she'd go out with half a crown,
17:29she'd come back with twice this amount of groceries.
17:31Mind you, she did a lot of shoplifting.
17:34The prices are terrible now.
17:36Oh, shocking.
17:37I mean, I don't know how she expects me to manage with what she gives me.
17:39It's scrimping and saving, never any thanks.
17:41Mind you, I can always get a little extra out of Geoffrey,
17:44if I blow in his ear, you should try it.
17:48Well, I hardly know him.
17:51No, I mean, it's not fair, is it?
17:52I mean, all day cooking, cleaning and shopping,
17:55and they come home, expect you to drop everything for a bit of rum-po.
17:58Oh, I beg your pardon.
18:00Well, at least you haven't got a child to look after.
18:03I mean, I can't even get out to the hairdressers.
18:05Oh, well, if I can help in any way.
18:07Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
18:08I've got an appointment this afternoon at half-past four.
18:10Oh.
18:13Here you are.
18:14Oh, thank you, Mrs Roper.
18:15Could you dig out a fire for me on a chap named Collins?
18:18Jay Collins.
18:19I believe the previous young lady had him filed under D for dreamboat.
18:22Yes, of course.
18:24The previous young lady.
18:26Oh, dear.
18:29Warden Formal.
18:31I can't find the partisan cheese.
18:38Who is this?
18:39It's me.
18:40It's Mildred there.
18:41Um, it's for you.
18:43It's someone called me who can't find the partisan cheese.
18:47George, I told you not to ring me at work.
18:49It's in the Oxo box marked string.
18:53Well, no wonder I couldn't find it.
18:55Hey, Mildred.
18:56Oh, dear.
18:57Partisan cheese and grated nutmegs.
19:00Nutmeg?
19:04Here you are.
19:05Jay Collins file.
19:08Warden Formal.
19:09Nutmegs.
19:10Nutmegs.
19:13Oh, it's not the galloping gourmet again.
19:16George, we haven't got any.
19:18Yeah, well, could you pick some up on your way home?
19:20Oh, and the lettuce, Mildred.
19:22Mildred?
19:23You hung up on me again, Mildred.
19:25Yeah.
19:26Oh, add paprika to taste.
19:28Paprika.
19:29Here he is, Mr Roper.
19:30He won't be any trouble.
19:31He's got his homework to do.
19:32Right, you better come in then, son.
19:33You be a good boy, Tristram.
19:34I'll only be an hour.
19:35Bye.
19:36Bye.
19:37Bye.
19:38Bye.
19:39Bye.
19:40I kissed a girl at school today.
19:41Did you?
19:42I don't want to.
19:43But she made me.
19:44Yeah, I know how you feel, son.
19:45Go through there, fella.
19:46Here you go, Tristram, or whatever your name is.
19:47You sit down there, see, and you get on with your work, because I've got to do some cooking.
19:51Are you playing mummies?
19:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
19:53Well, you've got a baby in your tummy.
19:54Well, I've got a baby in your tummy.
19:55Well, I what?
19:56I've got to do some cooking.
19:57Are you playing mummies?
19:58I've got a baby in your tummy.
19:59Well, what?
20:00Well, I don't know.
20:01I don't know who I've got a baby.
20:02I don't know.
20:03Well, the little boy.
20:04I've got a baby in my tummy.
20:05Well, I'm going to go through there for you.
20:06Oh, don't get you going through there, filly.
20:07Right, you go through there, sir.
20:08Here you go, Tristram.
20:09Tram, or whatever your name is.
20:11Er, look, you sit down there, see, and er, right, you get on with your work,
20:15cos I've got to do some cooking.
20:16Are you playing mummies?
20:18Er, yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
20:21Will you have a baby in your tummy?
20:22Will I what?
20:23Well, blimey, I don't know.
20:25Babies don't grow in men's tummies.
20:27They're found, aren't they?
20:28Under cabbage leaves.
20:29Not in our house.
20:30I grew in my mummy's tummy.
20:32My daddy put me there.
20:34Oh, did he?
20:35I think so.
20:36It might have been Anthony Lewis with Ben.
20:43Oh, well, another day older and deeper in debt.
20:46The days seem to fly past.
20:48I never know whether...
20:49Oh, no, no, no.
20:50No, no, no.
20:51Warden Four Mile.
20:52It's in the cupboard, under the sink.
20:57Oh.
20:59Wrong number.
21:00Oh, yes.
21:01Would you like a good one?
21:02Oh, I'd love one.
21:10Oh, dear.
21:12Oh, me feet.
21:14Oh, oh, oh, lovely.
21:17Oh.
21:20Oh, Evan.
21:20Oh, I see.
21:26This is what you do all day long, is it?
21:28Oh, just this minute sat down.
21:31I'm sure.
21:33Well, George, aren't you going to ask me what sort of day I've had?
21:37I don't care what sort of day you've had.
21:39I've been stuck in this house, Mildred.
21:41I haven't seen a soul all day except for a little half mile next door.
21:44And all afternoon I've been slaving over the hot stove, cooking you nice meals.
21:47Oh, good.
21:48What is for dinner?
21:50Beans on toast.
21:52Well, what was all this paprika and nutmeg nonsense?
21:55Yeah, well, I made a mistake.
21:57Well, I thought it was gravy browning.
21:59Well, they shouldn't put shoe polish in bottles that look like gravy browning.
22:01Well, it's all right for you.
22:04I had to taste the stuff.
22:05The inside of my mouth feels like a pair of brogues.
22:09Fed up, Mildred.
22:10Oh, there.
22:11Now, George, don't upset yourself, love.
22:15The window cleaner winked at me yesterday.
22:16Yeah.
22:18I'll leave it alone.
22:20Oh, look, come on, George.
22:21I'll tell you what.
22:22I'll take you out for a nice meal.
22:24How's that?
22:25Well?
22:25Yes, come on.
22:26Nice bottle of wine.
22:28And then tomorrow...
22:29Yeah?
22:29You can start taking domestic science classes.
22:36Oh, no.
22:38Oh, not sardine sandwiches again.
22:41I am sick to death of sardines.
22:42Why don't you get him to make you something else?
22:45I made them myself, love.
22:46Well, it's all he had in.
22:48Right, well, I'm off to lunch, ladies.
22:50After about two, if anyone wants me, you know where I am.
22:52Oh, good morning.
22:54Ah, morning.
22:55I'd like a word with my wife, if I may.
22:57The nutmeg's an excellent...
22:58Please be quiet, Mildred.
22:59Now, look here, George.
23:00I say quiet.
23:02My wife has given you a week's notice as from now.
23:04Oh, she is?
23:05I am not.
23:06Oh, yes, you are.
23:07Because I went out this morning and got myself a job.
23:09And I start immediately.
23:11Oh, George.
23:14Have a sardine sandwich.
23:15Oh, George.
23:15Oh, George, you shouldn't be doing that.
23:27That's my job.
23:28Yeah, well, it is for now, Mildred.
23:30I'm hanging up my apron.
23:31Oh.
23:33Now, come on, George.
23:33Sit down.
23:34Now, tell me all about your new job.
23:37Well, it's a position in a shoe factory.
23:39Yeah?
23:40Yeah, it's a very important position.
23:41There were two of us after the job, but I was considered the most suitable.
23:44Oh?
23:45Mainly because I had both legs.
23:48Yes, I see.
23:49Well, George, I've got a little surprise from my breadwinner.
23:53Oh, champagne?
23:55Well, nearly, yes.
23:57And I thought that I'd buy something for myself, you know, because I thought we need to celebrate.
24:02Yeah?
24:03So I thought that we would have an early night.
24:07Ah, yeah.
24:09Yeah, I'd like to, of course, but...
24:11George, I won't take no for an answer.
24:15Yeah, well, you're going to have to take no, Mildred, because when I said I start work immediately,
24:20I meant immediately.
24:22But it's six o'clock in the evening.
24:24I know.
24:24I'm a night watchman.
24:25Good night, Mildred.
24:26Oh, by the way, when I come home this morning, I expect a proper cooked breakfast.
24:32Get out, will you?
24:33Oh, my God.
24:38Oh, my God.
25:01My God.
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