- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 14th September 1978.
After twenty-five years the Ropers' bed finally collapses and it's time to buy a new one.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Jimmy Thompson - Bed Salesman
John Lyons - Milkman
Harry Littlewood - Syd
After twenty-five years the Ropers' bed finally collapses and it's time to buy a new one.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Jimmy Thompson - Bed Salesman
John Lyons - Milkman
Harry Littlewood - Syd
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00I am sick of it, George. I am sick of mending and making do.
01:18If you earn a proper wage, we might be able to afford some decent furniture for a change.
01:22Shut your trap.
01:26I beg your pardon.
01:28Shut your trap. He's running tomorrow at 2.30 at Newmarket.
01:34Well, it had better be.
01:40Oh.
01:41Well, for a moment there, George, your life hung by a thread.
01:45Yeah, I've got a bet on it, see? It's the second leg of me accumulator. I've got three legs altogether.
01:52Yeah, most of the horses you back have three legs, George.
01:56Oh, not this time, Mildred. The first one's already won. This afternoon, one o'clock. Came in ten to one.
02:00Oh, yeah? What happened? Did it run backwards?
02:02I've got about eight quid on shut your trap tomorrow, see? Here, look. Here we are. Hey.
02:08Here. Number seven. Same as me birthday. Hey, he's an omen. Yeah, and he's a golden.
02:13Oh. Another omen.
02:14Further more, he hasn't got handicapped. Well, it depends which way you look at that, George.
02:21Well, he won't be carrying any extra weight. Yeah, so you said. Look, George.
02:26Why don't you just ask the Social Security people to send your money straight to the bookie and cut out the middleman?
02:34Oh, that's not fair, Mildred. I have come up once or twice.
02:38Once or twice, yes.
02:42There you are. That hides that greasy little mark of yours.
02:46Oh, he's only here at all.
02:47Oh, George, I don't know why you bother. It's like spreading lawn food on concrete.
02:52There's nothing wrong with this furniture. It's just a bit worn, that's all.
02:57A bit worn? If I shampoo that carpet once more, you'll be able to read the newspaper underneath.
03:03Shut this back.
03:04Oh, you are using that.
03:19Cheers.
03:19Oh, it's nice to relax. Just the two of us. Well, two and two-thirds of us.
03:30Is Tristram asleep?
03:32Oh, yes. Just looked in on him. Out like a light.
03:35What did you want me for, Daddy?
03:39Well, he looked asleep.
03:42Can I have a drink of water?
03:44No.
03:45Can I have some of that wine?
03:47No. Why aren't you asleep?
03:52I was thinking, if Daddy put the baby in your tummy, where did he get it from?
04:01Harrod's Baby Department.
04:04Oh, that's not what Michael at school said.
04:08I see. What did Michael at school say?
04:10You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
04:33Hello, George.
04:35Oh, are you still awake?
04:38I'm afraid so, yes.
04:40Oh, God.
04:42You have been in that bathroom for over half an hour.
04:45Yeah, well, I had to wipe the walls down, didn't I?
04:50Yeah, well, I switched the electric toothbrush on before I got it in my mouth.
04:54Toothpaste everywhere.
04:55Oh, George.
04:56Well, come to bed and tell me all about it.
04:59Oh, no, Mildred, I thought I'd sit at the dressing table and read for a bit, see?
05:03Ah, typical.
05:05I don't need new furniture.
05:06I need a new husband.
05:08Well, new furniture costs money, Mildred.
05:10Besides, it's not all old.
05:12Plenty of life in this bed.
05:14Since when?
05:15Good, solid pre-war British workmanship, this is.
05:17Never let you doubt.
05:20Oh, George.
05:22What was that crash?
05:24Next door.
05:25Shh, I finally got him off.
05:26What was that crash?
05:27Well, do you think it's damaged, Mildred?
05:37It's a write-off.
05:38Well, not really.
05:39If you remove the other leg, it'd be a sort of nice low bed, sort of modern.
05:43Oh, and what about these?
05:46One cough, I'd go straight out the window.
05:49That's right, look on the funny side.
05:51I'd kill it up, Mildred.
05:52I'd prop it up with bricks, see?
05:54George.
05:55George, leave it.
05:56You'll wake up the woodworm.
05:58They'll make straight for the wardrobe.
06:00We've got to sleep somewhere.
06:02Well, we use a spare room.
06:04Oh, yeah.
06:05Oh, no way, mate.
06:06It's got a single bed.
06:08So?
06:08Yeah, well, only you and me will get tangled up.
06:14I'll tell you what, there's a settee.
06:16You sleep on that and I'll keep in the spare room.
06:17Here.
06:18I've got a better idea, George.
06:19What?
06:20You have the settee.
06:22Oh.
06:25Thank you, madam.
06:28Good morning.
06:34Good morning, sir.
06:35Morning, madam.
06:36Can I help you?
06:37Yes, good morning, Mr. Father Gill.
06:39Yes, we're looking for...
06:40A cot, yes.
06:41We've had quite a run on cots lately.
06:44Probably the power cut last March.
06:47Quite.
06:48Well, there we are, madam.
06:49Drop down side with a safety chain.
06:51Teething bar, rattle-wrap, fitted mattress.
06:54Pink, white or blue with optional bunny, duck or womble.
07:01Well, er...
07:02Ooh!
07:03Ooh, I think we've just got one vote for yes.
07:11Fancy giving our old bed away.
07:13George, I did not give it away.
07:14I've got a goldfish for it.
07:16Hmm.
07:17Ooh.
07:18Yes, yes.
07:18Look, they've got all sorts here, George.
07:21Oh, here.
07:21They might even have a water bed.
07:23What, with your elbows?
07:24You puncture it in five minutes.
07:26Yes, that's true.
07:27Well, we must be practical, so let's just have a look at the...
07:30George?
07:32What?
07:33Oh, George.
07:34God.
07:35Look!
07:35That's bigger than the bedroom.
07:37Oh, look, George.
07:39Black satin fitted sheets.
07:41Oh, no, that's kinky, that is.
07:42Oh.
07:43Oh, and look at this headboard.
07:45Look, look, look, look what it says.
07:48Incorporate stereo radio.
07:50Cool.
07:50I could lie there in the morning and have Terry Wogan coming at me both sides at once.
07:55Now, where are we put it, I'll have to sell the house to afford it.
07:59Yes.
08:00Yes, you're right, George.
08:01Yes, we've got to be practical.
08:03So we must just...
08:05Oh, George.
08:06Oh, God.
08:07Oh, I've always wanted to sleep in one of these, George.
08:14Oh, and look at the little frill on the outside, look.
08:17I don't like frills on a bed, Mildred.
08:19No.
08:20Oh, George.
08:22Oh, this is heaven.
08:25Oh, come down here.
08:26Come on, come and join me.
08:27Oh, no, no, no.
08:28Oh, here, here, here.
08:32Pull the curtains.
08:34Come on.
08:34Hello, that's it.
08:37Here, you are going to behave yourself, aren't you?
08:42So that is one white with duck.
08:46Would you like naturalistic or Donald?
08:49Oh, naturalistic.
08:50Oh, Donald.
08:52Donald.
08:53Donald, yes.
08:54Will that be cash, sir?
08:56Cash?
08:59Oh, I beg your pardon.
09:01Count, of course.
09:02That should do nicely.
09:04Now, when would you like delivery?
09:08Preferably before mine.
09:11Oh, George, it's so cosy, isn't it?
09:14I mean, it's that...
09:15George.
09:16What?
09:16You've still got your shoes on.
09:18So?
09:20We'll get in touch just as soon as they come in.
09:24Yeah, thank you.
09:24Stop that.
09:25Stop it.
09:26George.
09:27Now, take them off.
09:28Now, if you don't take them off, I'm going to take them off for you.
09:30I can't get them off.
09:32That is tickling.
09:38Sir!
09:40Madam.
09:41Oh, I was just...
09:43I mean, we were just...
09:43Oh, hello, loves.
09:44How are you?
09:45Mrs. Roper.
09:46We need a new bed, you see, because our old one collapsed last night.
09:50Oh.
09:52Oh, so that's what all the noise was about.
09:57Yes.
09:58Oh, well, if you'll just excuse us.
10:00Could you direct us towards...
10:01Sam, sir, first floor.
10:03Thank you so much.
10:04Madam.
10:05You've made a wise choice, sir.
10:07Very sturdy.
10:09You certainly won't get that one to collapse.
10:11Well, actually, I haven't decided.
10:12And it is only 590 pounds.
10:16I've decided.
10:19What's the cheap one called?
10:20It is not cheap, George.
10:23It's the inexpensive one.
10:26A special offer, yes.
10:28Follow me.
10:31Of course, they are slightly shop-soiled.
10:34What have they been doing on them?
10:35Be quiet.
10:38Oh, there you are, madam.
10:40Beautiful padded vinyl headboard with beautiful padded vinyl footboard.
10:45Yes, well, yes, it's, er, well, it's, it's new.
10:51Well, it's a bit posh, isn't it?
10:52Oh, do you think so?
10:53We'll take it.
10:55Splendid.
10:55Will that be a count?
10:57Cash?
10:59Keep going.
11:00HP.
11:01I'll get the forms.
11:04Er, higher purchase.
11:06What a minute.
11:07We can't afford cash, George.
11:09Er, er, er, Mildred.
11:12There's something I think you'd better know.
11:14Oh, oh, Georgie.
11:22The humiliation of it.
11:23I mean, why didn't you tell me you were on a higher purchase blacklist?
11:30Yeah, well, it's a cocktail cabinet, Mildred.
11:33I refuse to pay the last instalment because a cigarette burns on it.
11:36You put them there.
11:37Yeah, oh, well, it's the principle of the thing, isn't it?
11:41So I can't have my new bed after all?
11:44No, well, we'll have to have a second-hand one, won't we?
11:46Oh, blimey, it's started already.
11:48With tea tray coming up on the inside rail and Simon's boy falling back a little.
11:52At the last furlong, it's shut your trap and tea tray, neck and neck.
11:55I am not going to sleep in a second-hand bed.
11:59You're dead.
12:00That's the second instalment of me accumulator.
12:03Simon's boy making a last-minute effort.
12:05But it's too late enough to pause to shut your trap.
12:07And tea tray with shut your trap winning by half a length.
12:10Tea tray second, Simon's boy third.
12:12And here are the starting prices.
12:14That's it.
12:15Oh, one.
12:15See, er, what's he got?
12:16Eleven to two.
12:17That means I've got, well, about 40 quid on the third horse tomorrow.
12:21Well, really?
12:21Well, that means if you, if it wins tomorrow, well, then you won't need HP.
12:27Aye?
12:27Ha-ha-ha.
12:28Ha-ha-ha.
12:47So you didn't actually buy a bed then, Mildred?
13:08No, not yet.
13:09No, it all depends on my lover.
13:11What, Mr Roper?
13:12Good God, no.
13:14No, it's, er, it's a horse.
13:17It's a horse called, you see, My Lover.
13:20It's running tomorrow at, er, Catterick.
13:22Oh, if it wins.
13:23I can buy myself a lovely new bed.
13:26Oh, how much are you going to put on it?
13:27All of me.
13:30Oh, you mean the bet?
13:31Oh, er, George is singing to that.
13:33It, er, it's got something to do with his third leg.
13:37Yes.
13:38Mind you, with his luck, it'll probably spin off the course or whatever it does.
13:42Well, let's see what your stars say tomorrow.
13:43Right.
13:44What are you?
13:45Virgo.
13:46Yes.
13:48A good day for contacting someone who is close to you.
13:52Well, that could mean anything.
13:53I mean, it could mean that I'd hit him.
13:55You will give way to your natural instincts.
13:57Then I'm definitely going to hit him.
13:59You do know, he is complaining because he's having to sleep on the settee.
14:02Oh.
14:03I might be able to help you there.
14:06Huh?
14:10It's not dignified, Mildred.
14:13Kipping in a sleeping bag in my own bedroom.
14:15Well, then go on to the settee.
14:16Oh, no.
14:18I've got uncut moquette marks all down my legs from last night.
14:21Well, then, er, come with me into the spare bed.
14:25It's the truth.
14:25I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea.
14:27Well, make up your mind.
14:30I'll stick with the deep blue sea.
14:33Anyway, you borrowed it.
14:34I reckon you ought to sleep in it.
14:35All right, George.
14:35I don't mind.
14:36If you don't think there's going to be too much of a squash.
14:39I didn't mean that.
14:40Oh, no, you didn't.
14:42How are you supposed to get in here, anyway?
14:45You climb into it, George.
14:46Head first.
14:48I zip you up and you suffocate.
14:50How do you think you get into it?
14:54I haven't used one of these since I was in the Boy Scouts.
14:57Dip, dip, dip.
14:58Dup, dup, dup.
15:00Snuggle down and shut your gob.
15:05There.
15:06I remember.
15:07I've got me wobble caught in the sip.
15:11Well, that might explain a lot.
15:14Here's your cocoa.
15:15Oh, Tom.
15:16Yeah, I had a Boy Scouts knife with two blades.
15:19A corkscrew, an attachment for putting things in horses' hooves.
15:23You know, George, I can't see you as a Boy Scout.
15:26I mean, you haven't got the knees for it.
15:28I got kicked out in the end for threatening behaviour during Bob a Job Week.
15:33Oh, yeah, those were the good old days.
15:36Here, well, I think I'll get me head down now, Mildred.
15:37All right, then, George.
15:38Well, good night.
15:40Oh, yeah.
15:40Aren't you going to sit me up?
15:42Oh.
15:43All right.
15:44Now, get into it properly.
15:46Put your little hood up.
15:47There you go.
15:48That's right.
15:50There we are.
15:51I've got it.
15:53There's your thingies.
15:54All right.
15:54There we go.
15:56Now.
15:56Hey, careful.
16:00Right, George.
16:01Well, good night.
16:03Good night.
16:04We're riding along on a great way
16:07where the sun is in the sky.
16:10Morning, Mildred.
16:21Morning, love.
16:22Hello, dear.
16:23I was wondering if you wanted to go to the shops.
16:25Well, actually, yes, dear, I do.
16:27So do I.
16:28Only I can't fit in behind the steering wheel.
16:30Oh.
16:32All right.
16:32Come on in.
16:33It's all right, love.
16:36I'll drive you.
16:38I could drive if you'd work the pedals for me.
16:42I don't think so.
16:44Anyway, it'll give me a chance to wear my new hat.
16:47Look, I made it myself.
16:49Well, I, er, I had some material left over, you see.
16:55Now, now, tell me.
16:57What do you think?
16:58Honestly, now.
17:00Well.
17:00She wasn't asking you, Tristan.
17:03It's very nice, Mildred.
17:04Oh, thank you.
17:05I think it's...
17:06What do you know about hats?
17:08No.
17:09He's right.
17:10It's dreadful.
17:12All right, come on.
17:13Let's go shopping.
17:15Go on.
17:15How did Mr. Robber get on with the sleeping bag?
17:20Well, the last time I looked in on him,
17:22he was, er, sleeping like a sack of King Edwards.
17:25I know the feeling.
17:30There we are.
17:34Oh.
17:36Oh.
17:39Oh, God.
17:43Oh, my word.
17:44Oh, well, another day.
17:48Oh.
17:49Oh, God.
17:50Oh.
17:53Oh.
17:56Oh, God.
17:58Mildred!
18:06Mildred!
18:11Mildred!
18:12Oh, God.
18:13Oh, God.
18:14Hang on.
18:19Morning, madam.
18:22Do I look like a madam?
18:24Oh, blimey.
18:25The curse of the mummy.
18:27It's £1.50 this week, sir.
18:29Oh, no, listen, er, me sit's stuck.
18:32What?
18:33Oh, you don't...
18:34Oh, can you give me a hand?
18:35Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
18:37Hang on.
18:38All right.
18:38Yeah.
18:39Yeah.
18:39Now, this has happened to me once or twice.
18:42It's very frustrating.
18:44Now, your, er...
18:45Your doodah's come off.
18:47Yeah, I know that.
18:48Well, you're going to need a pair of pliers there, Squire.
18:51Oh, God.
18:51And it's still £1.50.
18:53Well, I'll hang on.
18:54Thanks very much.
19:04Oh, don't mention it.
19:06It's a bit nippy out this morning, Gov.
19:08Yeah.
19:08Still, that won't bother you.
19:11You won't be going out.
19:13Here.
19:13Thanks very much.
19:15Goodbye.
19:16Bye.
19:16Bye, stuff.
19:18Oh.
19:18Thanks.
19:20Mildred!
19:21Mildred!
19:23Mildred!
19:25Ow, stupid back.
19:28Oh.
19:29Scissors.
19:30Fascinating.
19:31Scissors.
19:32Oh, yeah.
19:33Oh, yeah.
19:33Oh, no!
19:38You've time for a cuppa, Mildred?
19:40Yes, love, of course.
19:42Tristram, don't you fire that in the house?
19:45Good.
19:46Again?
19:49Do you mind if I listen to the race?
19:50Oh, yes, of course.
19:51All right.
19:57Would the honourable member for Slough West care to comment on the plight of ensiri workers
20:02in the ball cock and allied plumbing industries?
20:05You've got the wrong channel.
20:06That's a comedy show.
20:07Okay.
20:10Lining up for the start of the tough wear fitted carpet chase with Seastorm, number seven
20:14in the crossed hoops and my lover, number two in the sheepskin nose van.
20:18And they're off.
20:20And after a shaky start...
20:20Come on!
20:21Come on, my lover!
20:23Shhh!
20:24The neighbours all wonder what's going on.
20:26Oh, sorry.
20:30Well, come on.
20:32You keep radio.
20:33And you.
20:39With Seastorm coming up on the outside and Jolly Ginger still holding its lead and it's
20:42my lover.
20:43My lover coming through in a strong finish and at the post, yes, it's my lover, followed
20:46by Jolly Ginger and in third place Seastorm.
20:50I've won.
20:51I've won the treble.
20:53What were the odds?
20:55My lover at five to two.
20:57Five to two, that's a, oh, wait a minute, that's a ten to one, eleven to two, and five
21:03the, oh, oh, that's a lot of money.
21:07George!
21:08George?
21:09George, the race.
21:10Yeah, you, uh, you missed it.
21:12Shame, really.
21:13What?
21:13Yeah.
21:14Yeah, it's a pity.
21:15It lost.
21:16It what?
21:17You could have used all my winners and have bought a new bed.
21:20I see.
21:21You'll have to get a cheap second-hand one now.
21:22Oh, so this betting slip is worth nothing then, George?
21:25Oh, no.
21:26Oh, well, then I'll just tear it up, dear.
21:28Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
21:30I'll do that later.
21:31I'm good at that.
21:31Yeah.
21:32When you've had enough practice.
21:34So we lost, eh?
21:35Oh.
21:36Well, I blame it on our radio.
21:38How do you mean?
21:39Well, on Anne's radio, it won.
21:43Oh.
21:46Anne.
21:50Anne, I wish you wouldn't let him fire these things in the house.
21:54Oh, dear.
21:55It isn't exactly welcome home.
21:59What's my sleeping bag doing down here?
22:01Oh, I lent it to Mr Roper yesterday.
22:03He returned it.
22:05Wonders will never cease.
22:06Oh.
22:06George, we might be able to fall some sheets as well.
22:18Oh.
22:19Perhaps those black satin fitted ones.
22:22Oh.
22:23We like sleeping in a dustbin liner.
22:25Oh.
22:27George, you have no romance.
22:29We have here what I think you call a winning slip.
22:35Oh, yeah.
22:37Afternoon, George.
22:38See.
22:39Oh, yeah.
22:40Touch lucky here.
22:41Accumulator.
22:42Now, let's see how much we owe you.
22:43One hundred and sixty-nine pounds.
22:47Oh, George.
22:48That's, of course, what you owe us, George.
22:53What?
22:53Yeah, well, I had to run a bit up on a slate, didn't I?
22:56One hundred and sixty-eight pounds fifteen,
22:58which means that you get 85p.
23:03Congratulations.
23:03We could buy some ant eggs for the goldfish.
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