- 2 days ago
First broadcast 9th January 1974.
The three flatmates plan a party, taking advantage of the fact that the Ropers will be out visiting Mildred's sister and her husband.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Ian Lavender - Mark
Michael Segal - Jim
Jenny Hanley - Liz
Jeffrey Gardiner - Maurice
Colin McCormack - Henry
The three flatmates plan a party, taking advantage of the fact that the Ropers will be out visiting Mildred's sister and her husband.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Ian Lavender - Mark
Michael Segal - Jim
Jenny Hanley - Liz
Jeffrey Gardiner - Maurice
Colin McCormack - Henry
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30CastingWords
01:00CastingWords
01:29CastingWords
01:59We're going to have a running commentary and might as well turn it on.
02:02Good thinking, brain. We watch too much television anyway.
02:05We can create our own boredom.
02:08Are you sure that telephone's working?
02:10A watch telephone never boils.
02:12So you expected somebody to ring?
02:14Nobody.
02:15Oh, I suppose probably them now.
02:17No.
02:18Well, you know, I feel the same.
02:24You know, he hasn't asked me out either.
02:26Look, perhaps he's working.
02:28He's sort of an actor.
02:29Is he really? What does he do?
02:31Lots.
02:32You know that Ibsen play, Hedda Garbler, on the box last week?
02:35Yeah.
02:35Well, he was the one that sprayed the deodorant and went, psst, ooh!
02:40In Hedda Garbler?
02:41Well, in the commercial in between. That's what he does.
02:44Yeah, he's an actor.
02:45Sort of armpit theatre.
02:48Please, please, please.
02:49No violence. Otherwise, I'll cut you out of my sexual fantasies.
02:54It's going to be a boring weekend here with you two.
02:56Hey, why don't we have a party?
03:00Yeah, that's a good idea. A party, eh?
03:02We haven't had one for ages. We could get the booze on the slate.
03:04Yeah, we got the records.
03:05Yeah, roll back the carpet, have a bit of dancing.
03:06Yeah, Mr Roper, banging on the ceiling by half ten.
03:09What?
03:09Well, you know what he was like last time.
03:11He was threatening to call the police by eleven.
03:12Oh, come on, he's not that bad.
03:14No one's got a good word for him.
03:16I have. I've got a very good word for him.
03:20Well, I think it's very nice of my sister and her husband to invite us, George.
03:24But, of course, if you don't want to go, you've only got to say so.
03:29I don't want to go.
03:30You're going.
03:32They only invite us when they've got something to swank about.
03:35Last year, it was his garage door, radio controlled.
03:38Had to stand out in the pouring rain, watching the rotten thing going up and down.
03:41I don't know why they invite us again, you know, George.
03:45After what you did in their fish tank.
03:50Well, well, there's all that cheap Spanish wine of theirs.
03:53Well, I mean, you didn't have to tip it in.
03:57Those poor little guppies were drunk for days.
04:01I'll be honest with you, Mildred, I don't like either of them.
04:03Well, I mean, you're just jealous.
04:05Me jealous?
04:06Listen, he may have his split-level bungalow in Pearlie,
04:09his Jaguar XJ6, and his holidays abroad.
04:11But is he happy?
04:12He's delirious, George.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Well, who wouldn't be with all that lot?
04:18Anyway, what happens if the pipes burst while we're away?
04:21Then there's Oscar.
04:22Well, he's not going to burst, is he?
04:25Anyway, I'll leave a key with a flat upstairs.
04:27Well, why can't they drive over here and visit us?
04:29Because he's lost his driving licence for a year.
04:32Well, that's no reason for...
04:34Has he?
04:35What for?
04:36Drinking and driving.
04:41It is no laughing matter, George.
04:43No, no, no.
04:47His garage door won't be going up and down.
04:51Oh, I shall enjoy discussing the matter with him.
04:53Might not be such a boring weekend after all.
04:57Boring, boring, boring.
05:00I tell you what, how would it be if we invited the Ropers to the party?
05:03Then they couldn't complain, could they?
05:04She's all right, but he's the kiss of death.
05:06I mean, when he walks into a room, you feel as if someone's just left.
05:12Tell me something.
05:13If I rang you up and asked you out, what would you think of me?
05:16I think you were daft, you're sitting next to me.
05:18Not you, Mark.
05:20If I phoned him up, would he lose respect for me?
05:22Never.
05:23If there's one thing a man respects, it's a pushover.
05:25If I smell burning, that must be the food.
05:31Don't tell us.
05:32Let's try and guess.
05:34Bacon.
05:34No, it's the oven glove.
05:36I left it underneath the grill.
05:38Master Joe, you're hopeless.
05:41Listen, you're not supposed to grill oven gloves.
05:44You're supposed to fry them.
05:45Oh, you're so witty.
05:47I tell you what, let's go down to the pub and have a sandwich, all right?
05:49You always say that when it's my turn to cook.
05:51Good evening.
05:53Oh, hope I'm not intruding.
05:54No, no, no.
05:55We're just having a small but simple cremation service for a well-loved oven glove.
06:00Gone, but not forgotten.
06:02Love, I wonder if you could you do me a little favour?
06:04Would you mind keeping an eye on the flat while we're away?
06:07What, you're going away?
06:08Oh, yes.
06:09Oh, just for the weekend.
06:10My sister's.
06:11She's got a new deep freeze.
06:13You can get a whole pig in it.
06:15Mr. Roper's going with me.
06:18That's great.
06:19Well, if you're going to go away for the weekend, that means we can have...
06:21We can look after the flat for you, Pete.
06:23Well, it's George, really, you know.
06:25I mean, he's terrified in case a budgie burst.
06:28Listen, when actually were you thinking of going?
06:31Oh, just as soon as we get the car started in the morning.
06:33Probably about midday.
06:35Listen, I'll see you, I...
06:36Oh, thank you, love.
06:37Listen, that...
06:37Sorry, that couldn't work out.
06:38That didn't better, could it, really?
06:39I mean, that's fantastic.
06:40That's absolutely fantastic.
06:42We're not immigrating, you know.
06:43I mean, we'll be back on Monday.
06:45Now, you leave it to us.
06:46We'll keep an eye out for any suspicious parties.
06:48Oh, thank you, love.
06:49Oh, that's great.
06:51Who are we going to invite?
06:53The most seductive, sensual, sexy bird you could wish to meet.
06:56Well, I'm coming anyway.
06:58No, no, no, Liz Martin, honestly.
07:00I really fancy my chances with this one.
07:01She's built, she's built like...
07:03Oh, hello, gorgeous.
07:04It's me.
07:06I've just been overcome by lust,
07:07and I have this crude proposition to the floor.
07:09Hello, hello, hello, Mrs. Martin.
07:12Um, sorry.
07:15Could I speak to Elizabeth, please?
07:17That's 14 girls and 14 fellas so far.
07:29How great.
07:31Um, oh, Morris, we're having a party at our place tomorrow night,
07:35eight o'clock.
07:36Can you and him come?
07:37Oh, super, yeah.
07:38Oh, I shall have to wash your hair.
07:41We do love a do.
07:43Okay, that's Morris and Angela.
07:44I don't know which column to put them in.
07:47Let's find another one.
07:49And six bottles of red wine, six bottles of white,
07:51and ten eight-pint cans of bitter.
07:53And one packet of crisps.
07:55Yes, well, you know, I hate drinking on an empty stomach.
07:58It's a lot on the slate, you know.
07:59I'll tell you what I'll do.
08:00I'll pay for the crisps.
08:04Yeah, look, we must have more fellas than girls
08:06because I want them fighting over me.
08:09Oh, don't look now, but who's that that's just walked in?
08:11How can I tell you if I don't look?
08:13It's Mark.
08:15Don't look.
08:19Hello, Chrissie.
08:20Oh, hello.
08:22Um, um...
08:24Mark, you've been talking about him all afternoon.
08:29Been meaning to ring you all day.
08:31The phone was busy.
08:33No, it wasn't.
08:34My phone?
08:36My phone was busy.
08:37My agent had been on at me all day
08:39to do this voiceover for a commercial for a freeze-dried pee.
08:41Here we are.
08:43I ask you, what does a pee sound like?
08:47Pardon?
08:48Oh, er, Mark's Robin.
08:50Robin, this is Mark.
08:51Hi.
08:51Oh, Mark.
08:52Oh, Mark.
08:55Psst.
08:55Woo!
08:56Yes, I do.
08:58Um, party tomorrow night, our place.
09:01Can you make it?
09:02Oh, I'll just check.
09:04Saturday, is that?
09:04Yeah.
09:05Well, get him a drink.
09:06Oh, yes.
09:06So what do you want?
09:07Er, campari, please.
09:09Slimline tonic, just a shush of soda, no ice,
09:11and rub the rim of the glass with a little lemon rind.
09:18Jim.
09:19Jim.
09:21Could I have a campari,
09:23with a slimline tonic, a shush of soda,
09:25no ice,
09:25and if you could rub the glass round with a little bit of lemon rind?
09:28What?
09:29You're right.
09:29Make it hard for you.
09:32Oh, evening, son.
09:34Oh, hello.
09:34Hey, er,
09:35we'll keep an eye on the budgie for me, won't you, while he's away, you see?
09:38Because he's an affectionate little fella.
09:40Flies over and sits on my head.
09:42He flies over and slides off your head, you mean.
09:47Evening, Mr. Tripp.
09:48Hello again.
09:49Listen, don't you worry, because, you know, I'll be in all weekend.
09:52No, not doing anything, then.
09:53No, not really.
09:54You know, I'll most probably do a bit of studying,
09:56you know, do a bit of reading.
09:58Huh?
09:59Six of red, six of white,
10:01and your ten gallons of beer are in there.
10:04I might have a little drink.
10:08Girls, girls, can you come here, please?
10:14Now, listen to me.
10:17I'm cooking...
10:18I'm cooking pilot tonight, right?
10:21Onions, tomatoes, peppers, prawns, chickens, mussels,
10:24a clove of garlic, a pinch of saffron, long-grain rice.
10:26Ben's finest dish, a colouring masterpiece.
10:29So?
10:29And you expect me to serve them up on plates with Donald Duck on them?
10:33Some of them have got Popeye on.
10:35Oh, that's all right!
10:36Cheerio, little fella.
10:42I don't want to leave you like this, but these things happen.
10:46I'll see you soon.
10:47Try not to fret too much.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:52The cowboy's farewell to his badgie.
10:54Come on, George.
10:56Hey, did you lock the cold-shed door?
10:58Well, I was going to, but it seemed a bit pointless,
11:00since it's hanging off its hinges.
11:01Right.
11:02Now, listen, girls.
11:06About tonight.
11:07Now, listen.
11:08Are we, uh...
11:09Are we going to...
11:09Are we going to let people sort of go into the bedrooms?
11:12What for?
11:13Well, you know what these parties can develop into,
11:15you know, with a bit of luck.
11:17That's all you ever think about?
11:18Yes.
11:19Oh, no.
11:21Come on, be fair.
11:22Thinks about football and cooking as well?
11:24Oh, yes.
11:25If he could get his girlfriend on a gas stove
11:26in the middle of Wembley Stadium,
11:27he'd be away.
11:28Paradise!
11:31Hey, that sounds like old Roper.
11:33Huh?
11:34Yes, they're on the way.
11:35Oh, good, good, good.
11:36Now, girls,
11:38you realise that the two of you
11:39are completely alone with me?
11:41Yes, so we can do anything we like
11:43and no-one will hear your screams of anguish.
11:45Oh, and what were you thinking of my tempestuous beauty?
11:48I was thinking of eating your cheese dip.
11:49Do what?
11:50Oh, no, girls.
11:50Come on.
12:26Hey, let's...
12:56I think this party's going to be a success.
12:58Someone's been sick in the bathroom already.
13:01You're a bit late for that, aren't you?
13:03Well, you can't make a punch with wine and beer,
13:05can you?
13:06I've been waiting for the chin.
13:07That's vodka.
13:09That's the same colour.
13:11Listen, what you need is a little fruit.
13:13Oh, you spoke.
13:18Hello, Arthur.
13:19It's a nice number you got on.
13:27I think yours is very nice, too.
13:29Oh, ta.
13:31Listen, you haven't seen Liz, have you?
13:33Oh, well, I don't know.
13:34What does she look like?
13:35Well, she's sort of, um...
13:37Do you like my dress?
13:41Yeah.
13:42Do you think it gives me a sexy look?
13:44A bit like Susan George?
13:46Yeah.
13:48You say the nicest things.
13:49Hmm?
13:50You know, I auditioned for a crowd scene in Straw Dogs.
13:56Peckinpah and I just didn't hit it off.
13:59Ah, excuse me.
14:00Oh, hello.
14:01Listen, you haven't seen Liz, have you?
14:02No.
14:03Oh, you can get me a drink while you're up.
14:04No, no, no, no.
14:05Allow me.
14:07Martini, isn't it?
14:12What do you see in him?
14:14He happens to have a very loving disposition.
14:16Now, nobody wastes it on himself.
14:17He's got one thing you haven't got.
14:20What?
14:21Me.
14:21Oh, you do that.
14:25PHONE RINGS
14:26Hello.
14:34Here we are.
14:34I've been waiting for you to arrive.
14:37Who are you?
14:39Liz.
14:41Poetry.
14:42Let me take your coat.
14:45Oh, Liz.
14:48Liz, great, you made it.
14:49Hello, Robin.
14:50You know, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.
14:53Yes, you have, you know.
14:54Psst.
14:55Boop.
14:58Of course.
14:59You're an actor.
15:00Well.
15:03Would you like a drink?
15:05Martini.
15:06Coat.
15:07You did say Martini, didn't you?
15:13What?
15:15What was that tarty-looking bird chatting up Mark?
15:18That is Liz.
15:19Yes, I know.
15:20And look at them.
15:20Lust at first sight.
15:22Well, it's very understanding.
15:23Well, come on, she's a very attractive lady.
15:25I mean, every man in the party fancies her.
15:29Well, almost.
15:31I'm hardly surprised.
15:32I've seen her necklines on a topless waitress.
15:34Oh, look, I'll tell you what, I'll glide over there and I'll smoothly separate them,
15:38all right?
15:38Good.
15:40Have you ever met Michael Caine?
15:42You don't...
15:43As a matter of fact, I was standing behind him in the canteen at Pinewood only the other
15:46day.
15:47What's he like?
15:49Hamburger and chips.
15:52Liz, I'm sorry, there's no Martini there.
15:55Oh, you've got one?
15:56Oh, right.
15:56Listen, do you want to come and have a dance?
15:58Not just yet.
16:00Tell me something else.
16:01Do you ever have trouble remembering your lines?
16:03No.
16:04He doesn't get to say any lines, you know, just the occasional...
16:07Someone once summed it up that the most important thing in acting...
16:16is sincerity.
16:17Yes, once you've learned to fake that, you know, you're all right.
16:21Would you like to dance?
16:22I'd love to.
16:23Don't worry, he's got big ears anyway.
16:34Oh, shut up.
16:37I'll glide over and smoothly separate them.
16:40What happened to your famous sex appeal?
16:42It's alive and well and standing next to you.
16:44Are you glad to dance?
16:45What, me?
16:46Dance with you?
16:47It's perfectly legal between consenting adults, you know.
16:49You're only on the rebound.
16:51That's true.
16:51Well, it's either you or Morris.
16:54I'll save you from yourself.
16:55Come on.
17:10You see, the thing is, Chrissie, I'm a fella.
17:13Ah, that explains the shaving foam in the bathroom.
17:17And, er, you know, you're a girl.
17:19No.
17:20You're not a girl.
17:21I'm answering your next question.
17:22No, no, no, please.
17:26Don't be hasty.
17:28Listen, why don't we go into my bedroom?
17:30No, no, no, you know, just to sort of discuss it.
17:33There's more crowded in there than it is in here.
17:35It's getting very late.
17:37I'm dancing as fast as I can.
17:39Listen, would you like a drink?
17:41Well, I'm not sure I could trust myself if I had another drink.
17:44Gin and tonic, please.
17:45Have a large one.
18:01Oh, we're right out of ice.
18:03Mm-hmm.
18:04Is there any in there?
18:05No.
18:05Oh.
18:06Well, go down to the Ropers and get some.
18:07You go down to the Ropers and get some.
18:09Here's the keys.
18:10Oh, all right.
18:11Well, I'll tell you what, I'll carry the ice bucket for you.
18:14All right.
18:26Oh, that's nice.
18:28He invites me to a party and then goes off with someone else.
18:31Oh.
18:31Look, I don't know what, what are you up to?
18:40Oh, um, I'm just bedding down the budgie.
18:42Well, that's all you're bedding down tonight.
18:45It's, you know, it's somewhat more peaceful down here, you know, after all that noise upstairs.
18:51Well.
18:51Just, you know, just a quiet drink.
18:53Well, just one or the ice will start to melt.
18:56Right.
18:56Here we go.
19:00All right.
19:02Cheers.
19:02Cheers.
19:08You know, Chrissie, sometimes, sometimes, you know, a man wants more.
19:17He wants, he wants something fine and warm, you know.
19:21And one day he wakes up and realises it's under his nose.
19:27You think it'd have grown a moustache?
19:31I'm being very serious, Chrissie.
19:33I mean, you know, we, we all want the relationship, a warm relationship.
19:37Look, why don't you come right out with it and say what you're after?
19:40I just don't know the words.
19:42Yes, you do.
19:43I've heard you're using them.
19:46Anyway, look, remember what we agreed when you moved in?
19:48Seven pounds, fifty a week.
19:49Not that, the other.
19:51Well, what about it?
19:52Well, there wasn't going to be any.
19:54Look, I'm flesh and blood as well.
19:56Well, I've only got your word for it, Chrissie.
19:59Well, all I can say is if you were a gentleman,
20:01you wouldn't take advantage of the way I'm feeling now.
20:04I have never been so ashamed of the whole of my life, George.
20:27I'm not surprised they asked us to leave.
20:30Well, he is a drunken driver, isn't he?
20:32Well, there was no need for you to go on about it all evening.
20:35They'll never ask us again.
20:37Oh, they want a complete waste of time, then.
20:38Yeah, well, served him right.
20:45He won't be able to drive anything now for 12 months.
20:48Not even his bloody great deep freeze.
20:52But the finer things of life just get right up your nose.
20:56Listen, I may not have an oil-fired birdbath,
20:58but I've got a driving licence, and that...
21:00What's going on up there?
21:01Never mind about them.
21:03I did not know where to put my face
21:05when you rinsed your teeth in their bidet.
21:09They weren't even there.
21:11They weren't even there.
21:15Half, good evening.
21:16Evening.
21:17Uh, we, uh...
21:19Were you just doing a spot of tidying up?
21:20Yes, do come in. We're nearly finished.
21:22Well, it's very thoughtful of you, love, but you didn't have to...
21:25No, I know, but, you know, originally we came down here to, uh...
21:29to offer you a drink, you see.
21:30Yeah, but we weren't here.
21:31No.
21:32So we decided to tidy up instead.
21:34Ah.
21:35Ah.
21:36Here, what's that racket going on upstairs?
21:38Uh, that's a party.
21:39Oh.
21:40Would you like to come?
21:41No, it's nearly half past ten.
21:43Well, there's lots of food and drink and dancing.
21:45Oh, George, let's go.
21:48I mean, they never had parties like that when we were alive.
21:56Where did you learn to do this, Maurice?
21:58Well, it's funny, really.
22:00You know, I first started when I was in the Royal Marine Commandos.
22:04Dead lost, though.
22:05I mean, they never had any pride in their appearance, did they?
22:09Mr Vidal's a refresher, didn't you?
22:11Yes, he taught me a lot.
22:13Oh, you'll make someone a lovely brother.
22:16Oh, you're only saying it because it's true.
22:17Oh, right.
22:20Joe, you haven't seen a scotch, have you?
22:22Oh, we had one bottle.
22:23I think Mr Opa had it, though.
22:24Ah.
22:26You see, during the war, all we had was Vera Lynn.
22:29Look, excuse me.
22:30Could you move your car?
22:31Paul can't get his jeep out.
22:32Oh, yeah, right.
22:33Here, don't go away.
22:34I'll tell you about the time I was chasing my buzz bomb.
22:38Lucky you.
22:39Hey, Chrissy.
22:40Oh, hello, Robin.
22:41Hello, Liz.
22:45Listen, I was wondering, you know, if you wanted to go into my bedroom, you know, just, you
22:48know, just to finish off the bottle of wine.
22:50I don't think so, do you?
22:51Do you know, I think I'm going to donate my body to medicine.
22:55I'm not using it.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57Oh, no, no, no, no.
23:27Evening.
23:34Hey, don't feel bad.
23:36If anything had happened, it would only have spoiled things.
23:38Yeah, you're absolutely right.
23:41Listen, I wonder who's taking Morris home.
23:46LAUGHTER
23:46Would you believe it must be, oh, six years since I last had a dance?
23:54Yeah.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Of course, you know, my husband, he does a lovely waltz.
24:01Of course, he does it to everything, you know.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03George?
24:05Yeah, I've got to go with this gentleman, Mildred.
24:08Give him a sample.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10APPLAUSE
24:19LAUGHTER
Be the first to comment