- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 26th December 1977.
Jeffrey is directing the neighbourhood's Christmas pantomime - 'Cinderella' - and Mildred is only too happy to be playing one of the Ugly Sisters.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Roy Barraclough
Henry
Rosanne Wickes
Gwen
Sue Bond
Cynthia
Derek Deadman
Cab Driver
Mike Lewin
Police Constable
Jeffrey is directing the neighbourhood's Christmas pantomime - 'Cinderella' - and Mildred is only too happy to be playing one of the Ugly Sisters.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Roy Barraclough
Henry
Rosanne Wickes
Gwen
Sue Bond
Cynthia
Derek Deadman
Cab Driver
Mike Lewin
Police Constable
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00How do I look, Anne?
01:09Nexchief all right? Not too trendy?
01:11Oh, very Cecil B. DeMille.
01:12All you need now is a megaphone and a riding crop.
01:15A producer has to look the part. I don't want to be mistaken for an actor.
01:18Oh, don't forget the glass slipper.
01:20This will never fit Cynthia Bartlett.
01:22She's got feet like a yeti.
01:24No, no, no, Anne. Jealousy. I did offer you a part.
01:27I do not want to play a tree.
01:29I'd rather be wardrobe mistress.
01:31Please yourself.
01:32Can I have a part in your pantomime?
01:34What? Yes, why not?
01:36You can play a little boy that goes straight up to bed without making a fuss
01:39and falls asleep at once. Now go and rehearse that.
01:42All right.
01:44Is Mrs Roper babysitting?
01:47No, she's coming with us.
01:48Just for tonight, you've got Mr Roper.
01:50Ah.
01:51That reminds me.
01:54Must put the drinks away.
01:58I can't think why you want to get mixed up with that lot.
02:00Bunch of amateurs.
02:01It brings up the creative side of me, George.
02:03I can express myself artistically.
02:06What, by making tea and scones for them?
02:08They never give you a part.
02:09They will eventually.
02:11I understand they still haven't cast a tree.
02:14No, you don't stand a chance.
02:16Last year, they did Macbeth.
02:18It's got three witches in it.
02:19You didn't even get a part then.
02:20Oh.
02:22The trouble with you, George, is that you have no ambition.
02:25Oh, no, that's where you're wrong.
02:26Oh, yeah?
02:27Well, name me one.
02:28Come on.
02:29One ambition.
02:30Well, all my life, I've wanted a balance of crisp on the end of me nose.
02:36Oh.
02:37Very cultural.
02:39Go and get you a coat.
02:40I'm not coming with you.
02:41No, you're not.
02:42You're babysitting next door.
02:43Aye.
02:44No.
02:52Which brings us to the kitchen scene, right at the moment when Gwen, Prince Charming,
02:57fits the glass slipper onto Cynthia Cinderella.
03:01After a hell of a struggle.
03:04Then they go into the love duet and he kisses her.
03:08Geoffrey, what's my motivation for that?
03:11You're after a bit of nookie.
03:15It's just that I need a platform.
03:18I've got this book on acting.
03:20Splendid.
03:20You can stand on that.
03:22Now, the ugly sisters.
03:24Now, Henry.
03:24Henry, last time I was not besotted with your interpretation of Gertrude.
03:28And for one thing, I felt that you overdid the padding underneath the dress.
03:31I wasn't wearing any padding.
03:33Well, I mean, it is just possible that me corsets push me up a bit.
03:40It's got to go somewhere, hasn't it, dear?
03:43If I could make one tiny criticism, Henry.
03:47Oh, do.
03:48I don't think you're projecting enough.
03:51Well, he says I'm projecting too much.
03:53Who's producing this cantata?
03:55You were Prince Charming.
03:56Oh, please, Henry.
03:58Anne, could you deal with the wardrobe?
03:59Yes, yes.
04:00Well, we can mostly use the costumes from last year.
04:03Though Cinderella's dress may have to be let out around the hips.
04:07The main problem...
04:08Here we are, then.
04:10Tee up.
04:11Five with, three without.
04:12And I'm a lemon.
04:14Oh, she's a lemon.
04:17And I bought some homemade scones.
04:20I'd better go and better them.
04:23Oh, isn't it exciting?
04:26Yes, thank you, Mildred.
04:28Well, the main problem is the costume of the second ugly sister
04:31because we don't know who's playing her.
04:33Oh, quite now.
04:33I've checked on this, and Cyril, who played the part last year,
04:36feels he can't take the role again this year.
04:37It may remind people of the court case
04:39if he dressed up in women's clothes again.
04:41Right, so, um, has anyone any suggestions?
04:44What about her?
04:46Mrs Roper?
04:47Oh, she can't act.
04:49Well, that's never stopped some of us, dear.
04:52I thought ugly sisters were supposed to be played by men.
04:55Surely not.
04:56I mean, Henry's playing one.
05:02Are you sure it's all right for me to stay up and play?
05:05Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:06I mean, Charles, see.
05:07Right, er, well, I'll just draw two.
05:15Yeah, well, it's not a lot here, really.
05:16I'll, er, I'll just push it round for two-pee.
05:19If I've got three kings and two aces,
05:23is that a full house?
05:25Yeah, well, you are.
05:26I haven't actually let go of the two-pee.
05:27I'll fold instead.
05:30So I've won.
05:31Is that not called bluffing?
05:34Eh?
05:36Pair of threes?
05:37Oh, no.
05:41Well, go and ask her, Geoffrey.
05:43You've got no choice.
05:44Oh, very well.
05:46Er, Mrs Roper, er, might I have a word with you?
05:49Er, yes, yes, of course, Mrs Roper.
05:50Now, I know you've, er, actually been wanting to play a part,
05:53and, well, there is one in this production that might suit you.
05:55Oh, how marvellous!
05:57Oh, I can make me own leaves and branches and everything.
06:00No, no, no, no, it's not a tree.
06:02No, this part is absolutely right for you.
06:04Oh!
06:04Yes, it's an ugly sister.
06:06Oh!
06:08Oh, yes.
06:11I'll see you.
06:12Yeah, all right.
06:13Well, of course you're 5p.
06:14Come on, put it in.
06:16That's it.
06:16Right.
06:17Three sevens.
06:19I've only got two pairs.
06:21Hmm.
06:21A pair of jacks.
06:23And another pair of jacks.
06:25Eh?
06:26Oh, that's one of a kind, isn't it?
06:29Jammy little beggar.
06:32All right, come on, it's your deal.
06:34I'm feeling tired.
06:37Can't I go to bed now?
06:39No, you can't.
06:40I want a chance to win me money back, deal.
06:43All right, hurry it up.
06:44There we go.
06:46Yeah, the full job.
06:48Blimey.
06:49Yeah, right, well, I'll stay with this lot.
06:52I'll open for 10p.
06:54Yes, it was very good.
06:55It was Opa, wasn't it?
06:58Tristram?
06:59Mr. Roper.
07:00Oh, good evening.
07:02Snap.
07:03Snap.
07:04Snap?
07:05You don't say snap when you play poker.
07:12Poker?
07:13And for money?
07:15Get home, George.
07:17Good night, all.
07:19Oh, Tristram.
07:22I like home for George babysitting.
07:24I want 75p.
07:27Oh!
07:30Ought to be ashamed of yourself, George.
07:32Taking money from a child.
07:34I didn't.
07:34He took it off me.
07:3575p.
07:36So, Jim Rye.
07:37A whole week of my pocket money.
07:41Whose turn is it to make the cocoa?
07:42Mine.
07:43But, look, George, I've got something exciting to tell you.
07:47You know this pantomime they're putting on?
07:48Cinderella?
07:49Yeah, duh, men dressing up as women, women dressing up as men.
07:52No wonder they're all a bit funny, these actors.
07:55They've offered me a part.
07:57Oh, yeah?
07:57What is it?
07:58Oh, well, that's not important, George, but it gives me an opportunity to express myself.
08:04Oh, come on, tell me, what are you playing?
08:07Ugly sister.
08:08No.
08:11You're what?
08:12An ugly sister.
08:17Ah, that's real typecasting, that evening.
08:20Oh, go and make your own cocoa.
08:27Well, I've fixed Cinderella's dress.
08:30It won't go with her bleached hair, but that's not my fault.
08:32Um, what have you got against Cynthia Bartlett?
08:35She's young, attractive.
08:36That's part of it, yes.
08:38Well, I know you played the part last year,
08:40but we cannot have a Cinderella who is older than Baron Hardup.
08:43It's a very young Baron Hardup.
08:45Well, we can age him up.
08:46We can't young you down.
08:47Watch it, or you can say goodbye to your moustache.
08:49Okay, all right, all right.
08:50I'm sorry, darling.
08:52The wardrobe mistress is much more important.
08:54How's Griselda's costume coming along?
08:56Ah, Mildred's altering that herself.
08:58She's very keen to get it just right.
09:02How much longer are you going to be?
09:05I can't sit here all day.
09:06Oh, I feel dark in this outfit, Mildred.
09:25George, I haven't got a dressmaker's dummy,
09:28and you're the nearest thing to it.
09:29Get on that table.
09:32It's very humiliating, that's what it is.
09:34Stop complaining.
09:35Now, let's have a look under here.
09:41Yeah, what are you doing under there?
09:43I can't hear what you say.
09:47Hey, stop that.
09:49I'm ticklish.
09:50I only touched your ankle.
09:52Yeah, I know you.
09:53When you get near my legs, you go to pieces.
09:55Oh, don't you?
09:55I prefer you working on the outside, if you don't mind.
09:59Oh, all right.
10:01Now, the petticoat looks all right,
10:03so all we need to do is to turn up the skirt a bit.
10:05What am I supposed to do?
10:06Just stand here.
10:07No.
10:08You can help me learn me lines.
10:09Oh, not again.
10:10Come on, page 92.
10:12Come on.
10:12Oh, all right.
10:15Let me try on the glass slipper.
10:17Griselda, I shall marry the handsome over.
10:24Prince?
10:24No.
10:25I, Griselda, shall marry him.
10:28Oh, no, you won't.
10:29Oh, yes, I will.
10:30Oh, no, you won't.
10:31Oh, yes, I will.
10:33Oh, no, you won't.
10:34Oh.
10:36Er.
10:37Prompt.
10:37Oh, yes, I will.
10:39Oh, yes, I will.
10:41Oh, no, you won't.
10:42Oh, no, it's...
10:45No, don't move.
10:47It's only pinned.
10:48Oh, what?
10:49A big kiss.
10:50Blech.
10:52Dog.
10:57Ethel, darling.
11:00Now, Mildred.
11:01And Humphrey.
11:03Oh, what a lovely surprise to go in.
11:05Well, I was just driving by
11:07and Humphrey's Christmas present to me.
11:09Oh, how nice.
11:10It's parked over there by the curb.
11:13Oh.
11:14Is it really?
11:15Do go in.
11:19Er, George?
11:20It's my sister.
11:27And her husband.
11:28Oh, girl, yeah, I'm free, I thought.
11:30Oh, George.
11:31Yeah, Mildred, look, I brought a decent bottle of sherry
11:33so that we can all have...
11:34Er, er...
11:39Oh, how kind of you.
11:42Humphrey, he's wearing a dress.
11:45Yeah, well, er,
11:46it's none of our business, is it?
11:51So, er...
11:52Er, are you keeping there, George?
11:54Oh, not too badly.
11:55I don't really like Christmas.
11:57All that goodwill rubbish.
11:58Yeah.
11:59Can be a bit of a drag.
12:00All that turkey and stuffing and Christmas pudding.
12:06I felt a bit queer this morning.
12:10Oh, yeah.
12:11I must say, I do like your dress.
12:14Yeah.
12:14No, no, it's not my dress.
12:17No, it's Mildred's.
12:18Oh, and she lets you wear it.
12:20How understanding.
12:22No, no, no, look, you tell her, Mildred,
12:24the ugly sister.
12:25Well, really?
12:26No, not you, another ugly sister.
12:28In pantomime.
12:29It's a Hampton Wick players.
12:31They've offered me my first roll,
12:33and I'm ordering the dress.
12:35Oh, I see.
12:38We must come along and laugh at you.
12:42You know, for a minute there,
12:43I thought you was on the turn.
12:46One more remark like that,
12:47and I'll smash you over the head with me handbag.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49APPLAUSE
13:21how are you feeling any better now no i am not breakfast will be delayed a bit i've got to
13:38scrape the beans off the ceiling oh yeah you didn't tell me how to you didn't tell me how to
13:47pierce the can first i'll get up no no no you stay where you are you've got to get better for tonight
13:55tell you what you won't need any makeup i blame this on that rotten old psycho of yours the other
14:02day when it rained i was up to my knees in rain water yeah well it won't happen again i fixed
14:06it i bought holes in the bottom oh marvelous god i'm hot and cold all over i've got a pounding
14:15eric i'm losing my voice you know what the trouble with you is mildly what you're not well
14:20jeffrey four mile production additional material by jeffrey four mile starring blah blah blah
14:29produced and directed by jeffrey four mile
14:32yes yeah it's uh it's about mildred
14:38you're not gonna like this
14:42i'm never so sorry mr four mile what seems to be the trouble i've lost my voice pardon she says
14:52she's lost her voice and it's getting worse the doctor has been says she mustn't exert herself in
14:57bed no george what oh no no he said she must stay in bed and not exert herself yeah that's right
15:04but the performance is tonight
15:07she said she's willing to have a try the show must go on oh marvelous i mean she can write her
15:13dialogue on bits of paper and pass it out to the audience it's not her fault she's got flu
15:18yes yes right but where am i going to find a replacement for at the last moment i mean it's
15:23been all for nothing in it all those weeks rehearsing with her i practically know the part backwards
15:27myself yes but i do you really no no no no no no not even for the kiddies no certainly not
15:39you must do it george don't you raise your voice at me i'm not doing it very well uh tell mrs roper i'm sorry she's not well
15:48well it's her voice that's gone not her ears yes well don't worry about letting me down
15:53it's just not me mildred i mean prancing about all dressed up on the stage what language
16:02yes cyril i know how you feel but well i've been let down badly by
16:07hmm yes yes it is the same dress as you wore last time
16:12i know it didn't match your eyes exactly but well couldn't you wear one of your own
16:18hello hello she's hung up fancy game of poker uh not now just when i'm rather busy
16:26i've been playing with action man oh good good i've got a running flush huh
16:33oh you better get your mother to give you a junior aspirin
16:36get more sense out of action man
16:39the curtain goes up in half an hour they'll never get anyone to replace you at such a short
16:51notice it'd be chaos you've got to laugh
16:53oh yeah you really let them down you have still try not to think about it
17:05oh i wonder what's on the telly
17:07hey door mildred
17:11oh god all right i'll get it
17:16well come on then george we said we'd pick you up
17:26well oh yeah i'm pretty no uh i'm not going
17:28you're not not going well you've got to support the missus think of it as a duty that's how i think of it
17:35ah bildy's not going either she's not going why not
17:39i've got a touch of them
17:40i can't move
17:42oh yeah well i think you've answered that question
17:44oh poor thing well it's no wonder when you haven't got a proper fur coat
17:48well are they going to manage them
17:50well they've asked george to play it
17:52george
17:53well the dress fits him we know that
17:56oh i'm not doing it
17:58no i think you're quite right
17:59i think you're quite right george i mean
18:00you don't want all those people asking you for your autograph
18:03you know what
18:04well i mean once you get on that stage it could lead to anything you know
18:08what how do you mean
18:09well i mean talent scouts in the audience
18:12that's how clark gable started
18:14and joan crawford
18:16what hampton wick players
18:17no i mean you know
18:20in the core of small parts
18:22oh no i mean that couldn't happen to me
18:23i mean after all i'll be
18:24could it
18:26could it
18:27could it
18:28could it
18:30could it
18:31could it
18:31could it
18:32could it
18:34could it
18:51could it
18:53could it
18:57George?
19:22George!
19:23George!
19:24George!
19:24Hey, George, you all right?
19:25Yeah, yeah, I was thinking.
19:26Tim, perhaps I shouldn't let the children down.
19:28We've left it a bit late.
19:30Yeah, look, you've only got 20 minutes.
19:31I could change in the back of your car.
19:32No, you can't.
19:33It's only a sports car.
19:34It's real leather upholstery, though.
19:36It's Humphrey's Christmas present to me.
19:38Look, here, you fetch your dress and I'll get you a taxi.
19:40Go on, hurry up now.
19:41Clark Gable, eh?
19:42Right, Squire.
20:01Where to?
20:01Follow that car.
20:02I've seen him do this sort of thing on Kodak.
20:15Yeah, what are you doing?
20:16I'm changing you then to be dressed.
20:18You keep your eye on the road.
20:19I've got my lipstick.
20:40I've got my license to think about.
20:52What's the road?
20:53Enough of this taradiddle, you silly goose.
21:19Griselda?
21:20Griselda, come along.
21:21We shall be late for the ball.
21:24Griselda?
21:44I'm coming, sister.
21:46I've just been making myself.
21:51Beautiful.
21:53Move stage left.
21:55Ow!
21:56Oh!
21:56Oh, you evil...
21:58I don't think it's too serious.
22:17Not serious.
22:18It'll be off the road for weeks.
22:21Careful you don't breathe all over him.
22:22Here, have a peppermint.
22:24I think she's hit her head.
22:30Well, he said...
22:31I will marry the handsome prince.
22:35Oh, he's ever so much better now, Mr. Formile.
22:43And so am I.
22:44Oh, good.
22:45Good.
22:46Geoffrey did very well.
22:48You should have heard the laugh when he fell through the trap door.
22:50Oh, I didn't know that was in the script.
22:52It wasn't.
22:53Oh!
22:53Right.
22:54Well, I'm glad to see you're back, Norman Slober.
22:56Oh.
22:57And you, of course.
22:58I know, but it's too late.
23:00I mean, I've missed me opportunity.
23:02Ah, well, there may be a part of my next production.
23:05Beauty and the Beast.
23:05Beauty and the...
23:07Shall we go downstairs and discuss it?
23:13Come on, Tristram.
23:14Oh, no, leave the lad.
23:15It'll be a bit of company for me.
23:17All right.
23:18Just for a few more minutes.
23:19And thanks for dropping round.
23:24Right.
23:25Oh, where were we?
23:30Oh, yeah.
23:30Three queens.
23:32I've got some running, flashing shovels.
23:35Spades.
23:36Oh.
23:37Oh, dear.
23:38Here.
23:39How would you like to learn pontoon?
23:42Yes, please.
23:43Yes, please.
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