- 14 hours ago
First broadcast 13th November 1979.
Mildred is taking driving lessons from an elderly neighbour, but wanting to keep it secret from George she tells him she's going to keep fit classes.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Tarquin
Harry Fowler - Fish 'n' Chip Shop Man
Robert Raglan - Mr Bowles
Mildred is taking driving lessons from an elderly neighbour, but wanting to keep it secret from George she tells him she's going to keep fit classes.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Tarquin
Harry Fowler - Fish 'n' Chip Shop Man
Robert Raglan - Mr Bowles
Category
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TVTranscript
00:29I'll see you in the next minute.
00:55Oh, my God, baby.
01:09I like lots of bran because, one, it is packed with crunchy, munchy goodness, two, each
01:16spoonful contains vitamins A, B, B2, C, D and E, and three, it keeps me going throughout
01:28the day. Yeah, well, it would, wouldn't it?
01:34Oh, I see the newspapers haven't arrived then.
01:36What? No, I'm not reading it. I'm doing a competition.
01:39Hey, how's this for a slogan?
01:41Lots of bran has lots of bulk. No need to sit for hours and sulk.
01:47That is not nice, George.
01:48All right, well, what about this one then?
01:50Lots of bran, let's have a bit. Next thing you know, you'll have a...
01:57I don't know why you go in for these daft competitions. You never win.
02:00Well, I won the crossword thing.
02:02Oh, yeah. Then they disqualified you after they found you were over nine.
02:07You never encourage me, do you? You never say, this time you can do it, George.
02:12Yes, I do.
02:15I wasn't talking about that. I'm talking about the competition. I'm going to send it off
02:19today. Have you got a tuck me out of my stamp I can have?
02:22Oh, God, no wonder you never win. George, no, I haven't. Oops, I'm going to be late.
02:29Oh, well, where are you going?
02:30Oh, it's my keep-fit class, George. Every Tuesday and Thursday.
02:34You'll be getting muscles, you will.
02:36Well, it's about time someone in the family, Adam.
02:40When you get out of breath every time you cross your legs.
02:44That's right. Go on. Try and make me feel small.
02:49I shall go before I say something I might regret.
02:53Why, stupid, prancing around, waving your lost names.
02:56Oh, blimey.
03:04Daddy, can I have an advance on the week after the week after the week after next pocket,
03:11pocket money.
03:13Let me see. Pocket money book. You already had it.
03:19Well, the week after that, then.
03:21You can't go on and on borrowing money like a Labour Chancellor.
03:26What's it for?
03:27I want to send off for a poster of the Stranglers.
03:31For who?
03:33No, the Stranglers. They're a pop group.
03:36Ah, Freddy and the Dreamers, that sort of thing.
03:39Who?
03:42Tristram, when I was your age and I wanted extra pocket money, I used to work for it.
03:46Cleaning cars, doing a paper round.
03:48Climbing up chimneys.
03:50Climbing up chim...
03:52It is never too soon, Anne, for him to learn the work ethic.
03:55Quite right.
03:56Get out there with a tray of matches.
03:58I'd rather do a paper round.
04:00I could use all the comics for nothing.
04:02Oh.
04:06Oh, er, excuse me.
04:08Hello, morning.
04:09I wonder if you can let me have a stamp.
04:12Oh, very well.
04:14As long as you let me have it back.
04:16Well, I can't. I'm going to stick it on the bedroom, won't I?
04:20Is Mildred going shopping this morning?
04:22What, no, she's gone off to the keep-fit classes with you.
04:25You haven't gone.
04:27No, I don't when they're not holding them.
04:29Eh?
04:30Well, they're finishing in August.
04:32They're not beginning again till next month.
04:34Yeah, but Mildred's been going every Tuesday and Thursday for weeks.
04:38Well, I don't see how...
04:43Yes, well, perhaps I'm wrong.
04:45Well, if she isn't keeping fit, what is she doing?
04:49Mrs Roper, I'll drive up to the common,
04:51we'll put the old plates on,
04:53and you can try a few hill starts.
04:55Oh, that'll be starting a car on the hill.
04:58I couldn't have put it better myself.
05:04Here we go, then, Truffles.
05:06Eyes down for a major prize, eh?
05:08Quick rub on the bum for luck.
05:18Mildred, with a man.
05:25Yes, love?
05:26Excuse me for interrupting, but I do hope I haven't landed you in it.
05:30Pardon?
05:31Well, I've told Mr Roper that the keep-fit classes are finished.
05:35Ah.
05:36Boo-boo.
05:37Boo-boo.
05:38Big boo-boo?
05:39No, a little boo-boo.
05:40You see, actually, I didn't want him to know that...
05:43I was taking driving lessons.
05:46Driving?
05:47Shush!
05:48Oh.
05:49Is that all?
05:51Yeah.
05:52Well, what do you think I was up to?
05:54Well, God, I shouldn't be so lucky.
05:57No, it's just that, you see, if George found out,
05:59he'd insist on teaching me to drive himself.
06:01Well, you haven't got a car any more.
06:03Oh, that wouldn't stop him.
06:04Oh, do you know, I remember, he tried to teach me once.
06:07Got the language and the temper tantrums.
06:11And I was only adjusting my seatbelt.
06:14Geoffrey was just as mad.
06:15He wouldn't let me drive more than 20 miles an hour.
06:18Oh, he never got as far as moving off.
06:21He jumped out as soon as I started the engine.
06:24Geoffrey didn't do that.
06:26He fainted occasionally.
06:28Well, you see, this Mr Bowes, you know, from the avenue,
06:30he's a retired driving instructor.
06:32Oh, and he's such a gentleman.
06:35He never swears at me.
06:36Good.
06:37Yeah.
06:38His lips move, but never out loud.
06:41But you, er, would you like a cup of coffee, do you?
06:43No, thanks, love.
06:44I only popped in to apologise.
06:45I suppose you'll have to tell Mr Roper now.
06:48Oh, yes.
06:49I mean, he's probably imagining all sorts.
06:53Ooh.
06:55Ooh.
07:00Ooh.
07:05Mildred, there's something I demand to know.
07:08Yes?
07:08Is there any sugar in this?
07:12Yes.
07:14I, er, I saw a woman this morning spitting the image of you in a car with another man.
07:21Oh, really?
07:22Well, well, well.
07:23Well, it couldn't have been you, of course.
07:25Not if you were at your keep fit classes.
07:27Oh, that's true.
07:31I'm not a jealous man, Mildred.
07:33Aren't you?
07:33I wonder.
07:34Well, there's nothing to be jealous about.
07:36I mean, if it was you, you'd probably have a perfectly good explanation.
07:39Yes.
07:40Well, what is it?
07:41What's what?
07:42The explanation.
07:44You said it couldn't be me.
07:46Let's put it another way.
07:48What's the most important thing in a marriage?
07:51Well.
07:52Honesty.
07:55Well, yeah, that too.
07:57Well, trust in each other.
07:59I mean, I read a piece in the paper the other day about this woman who started mucking about
08:02with another fellow after 20-odd years of marriage.
08:05Oh, yeah?
08:05Yeah.
08:06Her husband accused her of it.
08:07I think I read it.
08:09She hit him with an axe.
08:16Have we got any biscuits?
08:30Hello, son.
08:31Oh, yes.
08:34You on your own, are you?
08:35Not any more, it seems.
08:37I suspect you could do with a bit of a chat, seeing as you're on your own.
08:41No.
08:41Good.
08:42Yes, son.
08:45Supposing it came to your attention that your wife was mucking about with another fellow?
08:50What?
08:51I mean, well, would you have it out with her, you know, accuse her?
08:55My wife mucking about.
08:57Is she?
08:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
09:01No, I don't mean your wife.
09:03Well, I mean, she may be, for all I know.
09:05No, no, no, no, it's a mate of mine, his wife.
09:09A mate of yours?
09:11Hmm.
09:12What would you do if you were me?
09:14You know, had to advise him, I mean.
09:16Well, if I was a mate of yours, it's most unlikely, but if I was, I would ask myself if
09:22it was partly my fault.
09:23My fault?
09:25Well, it is fault.
09:25Have I been a loving husband?
09:27Oh, yeah, he's always done his duty, never flinched.
09:30Well, only last month he had to go up with him.
09:31I don't think I want to know the details.
09:34Has he, this mate, kept the romance alive in the marriage?
09:38Well, there wasn't a lot to start with.
09:41Flowers, chocolates, little gifts, a night out occasionally.
09:44Oh, he doesn't bother with all that rubbish.
09:45He sounds to me like an insensitive clod, a selfish oaf.
09:52Wouldn't you agree?
09:54Well, he should start wooing her all over again, that's my advice.
09:59Yeah, flowers, chocolates.
10:02No, it might work.
10:03That's a good idea.
10:05Er, are you having another scotch?
10:07Oh, yes, thank you.
10:08Right.
10:11Excuse me.
10:12He wants another scotch over there.
10:14Good night, son.
10:18Right.
10:19At or near a road junction.
10:22A bend, a brow of the hill, on a humped-back road.
10:26Oh, Richard.
10:37I'm home, Mildred.
10:39It's me, your husband.
10:40Oh.
10:42And there was I, expecting Steve McQueen.
10:46Oh, so it's him.
10:47What?
10:51Nothing, nothing.
10:52I mean, I'm probably partly to blame.
10:55Mildred, I bought you something.
10:56Hmm?
10:57A bag of rebels.
11:01Oh, thank you, George.
11:03Well, they're cheaper than a box and you get more.
11:04Yes.
11:06Yes.
11:06And I brought you these, Mildred.
11:09Roses for a rose.
11:13Oh, George.
11:15Well, they're chrysanthemums, but the thought was there.
11:18Oh, thank you, love.
11:19No, I haven't finished yet, Mildred.
11:20Um, you're looking quite, quite, quite lovely this evening, Mildred.
11:33Have you been drinking?
11:36Can't I pay you a compliment without being legless?
11:38Oh, no, George.
11:39Oh, thank you.
11:40I mean, they're very nice.
11:42Yeah, and I suggest after dinner tonight, we, um, well, we, uh, we have an early night.
11:54Oh, what?
11:56We have an early night.
11:57There, I've said it.
11:58Oh, George!
12:01Hey, careful, Mildred.
12:02They're squashing me rebels.
12:07Oh, George!
12:33Love and marriage, love and marriage, good together like a horse.
12:41Oh, good morning, sir.
13:02I think one of me ribs have gone.
13:09Perhaps when I fell out of bed.
13:12Oh, here we are.
13:15Bacon and sausage and kidney.
13:18Oh, lots of meat for my little tiger.
13:23Oh, dear, oh, dear.
13:25What's the matter, precious?
13:27I haven't got the strength to get the lid off the filler, Sam.
13:30Here, here, come on.
13:32Let me.
13:33There we go.
13:34There, you see?
13:35Now, you sit down, save your strength.
13:37Here.
13:38What for?
13:40Do we eat your breakfast?
13:41Oh, no, no, I don't want any of that.
13:43Just a cup of coffee, a handful of them.
13:46Oh, here we are.
13:49Uh, George, did you mean what you said last night?
13:53What, about oil in the springs?
13:56About taking me out tonight?
13:58Yeah.
13:59I want us to do what we used to do when we were courting.
14:02Oh, lovely.
14:03Where will we find an air raid shelter?
14:06No, no, no.
14:07Go to the pictures and a spot of supper afterwards.
14:09Oh, yes.
14:10It's ages.
14:11What was the last film we saw?
14:13Oh, Nympho Night Nurse.
14:16Together?
14:17Oh, I don't know.
14:18It had Will A in it.
14:21Quite a while back.
14:22Yeah.
14:23Where are we going to eat tonight?
14:25Oh, well, you know the new French restaurant that opened in High Street?
14:27Mm-hmm.
14:28You know, with the velvet curtains and the doorman outside?
14:30Oh, yes.
14:31I thought we'd go to the fish and chip shop next door.
14:36Right, we know what the best thing is for a cold, don't we?
14:39A whiskey and soda.
14:42You can't always go by your father.
14:44Come on, open up.
14:46That's it.
14:47Ugh.
14:48I think I'd rather have a cold.
14:52Ah, Tristram.
14:55I've got it for you.
14:56What?
14:57Do you remember what you asked for yesterday?
14:59A strangler's poster.
15:01No, no, no, no, no.
15:02A job.
15:03A newspaper round.
15:04I talk to Mr Updike at the corner shop, a fellow Rotarian, and you start tomorrow.
15:09How's that?
15:10Great.
15:11Have to be up at six o'clock in the morning.
15:15And I have to go for five.
15:17Well, we all have to make sacrifices.
15:19Oh?
15:20And what's yours?
15:22Well, the bed gets cold when you leave it.
15:35There you go.
15:36Two rock salmon and chips.
15:37Salt, vinegar, curry powder on the table.
15:45Oh, it's a good film, wasn't it?
15:47A bit near the knuckle, though.
15:49It was halfway up the arm.
15:52I didn't realise Julie Andrews did that sort of thing.
15:55Well, no, no.
15:56She was in Cinema One.
15:57We were in Cinema Two.
15:59Yeah.
16:00Confessions of a Sewage Worker and a Manual in Newcastle.
16:04I mean, in my day, you used to cut to waves breaking.
16:07You knew where you were.
16:09Oh, yeah, and rockets taking off.
16:10Quiet.
16:11Trains entering tunnels, volcanoes erupting.
16:13Yeah, yeah, all right.
16:14Oh, George, couldn't we have come somewhere nicer than this?
16:18Well, it's the sort of place we used to go to when we were caught in.
16:20You know?
16:21Cotton chips and pickled onions.
16:23Yeah, but we were young then, George.
16:25I mean, when you get older, you want more.
16:28Oh, right.
16:29Two pickled onions and cotton chips twice, please.
16:32Oh, I don't suppose you serve wine?
16:36Oh, at last, no.
16:38But I could do you an impertinent little lemonade,
16:41chilled or room temperature,
16:43grown on the southern slopes of a chemical vat in Darlington.
16:48And have two cups of tea.
16:50Ah, there's a table, Mildred.
16:52Could we have them over there?
16:53Well, I'll do me best, but me aim ain't as good as it used to be.
17:01Oh, George, you're going to...
17:04Oh, yeah.
17:05I can feel it all coming back, Mildred.
17:07You haven't eaten anything yet.
17:10No, no, no, the feeling.
17:12You know, us alone together out on the town enjoying ourselves.
17:15Well, you did sort of enjoy the film, didn't you?
17:18Well, the nicest part was when you put your hand on my knee.
17:22You haven't done that for ages.
17:23Oh, yeah.
17:25I didn't put me hand on your knee.
17:28There we are.
17:30Two cotton chips, two cups of tea, two pickled onions,
17:32that'll be £1.80.
17:34Oh, right.
17:34Your turn, Mildred.
17:35I'll pay for the pictures.
17:39Here's what we used to do.
17:40No, it isn't.
17:41I used to pay for the pictures as well.
17:51Morning, darling.
17:54Did Tristram get off on his paper round all right?
17:56He's got a cold, Geoffrey.
17:57I'm not sending him out in the pouring rain.
17:59Do you mean to say he's still up in bed?
18:01Yes, and I'm keeping him off school.
18:03But he'll be letting Mr. Updown dyke.
18:07Dyke down up.
18:09Up dyke down.
18:10So?
18:11So I gave him my word as a fellow Rotarian.
18:14Well, you go and do his paper round, then.
18:17Me?
18:19But it's raining out there.
18:22And check driving mirror.
18:24Check gear is in neutral.
18:26Flutter eyelashes at examiner.
18:29Switch on.
18:30Ignition.
18:31Hand signal.
18:33Flutter eyelashes again.
18:34Hand into first.
18:39Good morning, George.
18:40Oh, good morning.
18:42Oh, I think the two pickled onions was a mistake.
18:46I had a shocking nightmare.
18:47I know.
18:48You were talking in your sleep.
18:50Yeah.
18:51And who is Bountiful Bridget?
18:55Don't you remember?
18:56She was in the Confessions film.
18:58You know, big girl.
18:59Every time she turned round, the first three rows ducked.
19:03Yes, well, it's all a bit bread and bread to me, George.
19:07Well, you know, it was a nice evening, wasn't it?
19:10Strolling home under the stars, down Muggers Lane.
19:15I mean, there were quite a few other courting couples, did you notice?
19:18We fell over two of them.
19:22You didn't really enjoy the evening, did you?
19:24Well, you made an effort, George, and I appreciate it.
19:29I've been making quite a lot of efforts lately, Mildred.
19:32Yeah, I know.
19:32I want things to be the same as they were before between us.
19:35Oh.
19:37I think I'd rather have them the way they are now.
19:40Oh, whoops.
19:40I'm going to be late.
19:41Now, look, George, I'll put the kettle on.
19:43You'll have to make your own breakfast.
19:44Yeah, but where are you going?
19:45It's Thursday, my keep-fit class.
19:47Damn, Mildred.
19:48I forbid it.
19:50Hey, you're not to see this Steve McQueen fellow again.
19:54Oh, damn.
19:59Yes?
20:01Mr Roper, is it?
20:02Yeah, come on.
20:05I've come to pick up your wife.
20:07Hi.
20:09Hang on.
20:10It's him.
20:10It's you.
20:11You're him.
20:12Uh, yes.
20:13I've driven here to save your wife from walking round to my house for rain, you see.
20:17Come inside.
20:20I want a word with you, McQueen.
20:26Hold.
20:27Don't you take that attitude with me.
20:30Go inside.
20:31We'll have this out, man to man.
20:33Right, that's right.
20:35Well, come on down.
20:37Right.
20:38Sit down.
20:40Now, then, listen.
20:42I know all about what's been going on with you and her.
20:45Oh.
20:46So what's the meaning of it, eh?
20:48Well, it's, uh, it's a little embarrassing, but I believe she thinks I'd be better at it
20:53than you are.
20:59What?
21:02Well, I've had a lot of experience, you see.
21:05Four, sometimes five in a day.
21:07No, don't, don't, don't, don't do it.
21:12You mean she's been discussing me with you?
21:15Oh, she merely said that the last time you tried it, you lost interest.
21:21Gave it up as a bad job.
21:24So she turned to you?
21:26Yes.
21:27Mind you, now that I'm getting on a bit, I don't take on as many, of course.
21:32Just, uh, your wife on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the vicar's daughter on Saturday night.
21:39George, was that the...
21:41Oh, Mr. Bowles.
21:44You've met my husband.
21:45Yes, he has, and he's told me the whole story.
21:47All right, so now you know.
21:49Well, let's get started.
21:50Hang on!
21:53Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't pay you for last Tuesday.
21:58You mean you pay him for...
22:00Oh, my God.
22:03Well, I don't expect him to teach me to drive for nothing.
22:06I've never heard anything so disgusting in all my life.
22:10Teach you what?
22:11To drive.
22:12I've got my test, look, at ten o'clock.
22:15Test?
22:15You'll need that for the examiner, Mrs. Rowland.
22:18Oh, yes, of course.
22:18Yeah, but just a minute.
22:19You mean, you and him, together, drive...
22:25Oh, dear, oh, dear.
22:26Well, what?
22:27Well, I thought you and him were...
22:29I could have taught you to drive.
22:31Now, don't let's start that.
22:33Shall we go?
22:34Yeah, but Mildred?
22:35Yeah?
22:35I wouldn't have charged you as much.
22:40All right, but just a minute.
22:41Yeah, I mean, anybody can teach drive...
22:42Oh, hang on, yeah.
22:44I see what you mean.
22:44You have the vicar's daughter on Saturday for driving lessons.
22:48Mind your own business.
22:52Wish me luck, George.
22:55Oh, morning, Mr. Four Mile.
22:56Morning.
22:58What are you doing round here, then, sir?
23:03I'm delivering newspapers.
23:05Let me see.
23:05You're the Financial Times and the Economist, aren't you?
23:09No, the Sun and the Beano.
23:12I've gone wrong again.
23:14Fallen on our times, are we doing a bit of moonlighting?
23:17I don't wish to discuss it.
23:18Now, will you please take these?
23:20All right.
23:21If I help you out, yeah.
23:22Thank you, thank you.
23:23Oh, hang on, hang on.
23:24I didn't give a Christmas box last year.
23:28There we are.
23:35Ah, useless newspaper.
23:37Call that a page three.
23:41Oh, there you are, George.
23:43The only woman on it is Margaret Thatcher, and she's dressed.
23:47Oh, George, I've passed.
23:48Look, look, I've passed.
23:50Oh, congratulations.
23:51Oh, I thought he'd fail me when I accidentally put his knee into gear.
23:56Well, he didn't seem to mind.
23:58So you can drive a car now, eh?
23:59Yes, and now I'm going to save up for a nice little second-hand mini.
24:03Oh, we can do better than that, Mildred.
24:05Pardon?
24:05Well, I had a letter this morning from one of the competitions you sneer at,
24:09and I've won a prize.
24:10Well, what sort of prize?
24:12Latest model of the Jaguar XJS.
24:14Oh!
24:17Mildred, I'm giving it to you.
24:19Oh, George.
24:47Oh, George.
24:47Oh, George.
25:15Oh, George.
25:17Oh, George.
25:18Oh, George.
25:26Oh, George.
25:26Oh, George.
25:26Oh, George.
25:26Oh, George.
25:26Oh, George.
25:27Oh, George.
25:27Oh, George.
25:27Oh, George.
25:28Oh, George.
25:28Oh, George.
25:29Oh, George.
25:31Oh, George.
25:32You
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