- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 7th September 1978.
Jerry the ice-cream man persuades the gullible George to invest in his pigeon-farming idea but the only way George can raise the cash is by selling the house behind Mildred's back.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Patricia Kneale - Mrs Clifton-White
Robert Raglan - Mr Clifton-White
Lesley Staples - Mrs Williams
Michael Wynne - Mr Williams
Shirley English - Woman in Pub
Jerry the ice-cream man persuades the gullible George to invest in his pigeon-farming idea but the only way George can raise the cash is by selling the house behind Mildred's back.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Patricia Kneale - Mrs Clifton-White
Robert Raglan - Mr Clifton-White
Lesley Staples - Mrs Williams
Michael Wynne - Mr Williams
Shirley English - Woman in Pub
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Well, it doesn't look as if anybody else is going to come to my little coffee morning.
01:27No.
01:28No.
01:28No.
01:30Well, they should have let you know if they couldn't make it.
01:33Oh, they did.
01:34It's just that I thought one or two of them might change their minds, you know.
01:39Would you like another cup?
01:41We've got gallons to get through.
01:43Well, just a small one.
01:44Right.
01:44It might keep Emma awake.
01:46Oh.
01:47Emma?
01:48It's a girl today, is it?
01:49It's got to be.
01:50It gets all restless when Starsky and Hutch come on to you.
01:55Yeah, don't we all?
01:57Right.
01:58It is black, isn't it?
01:59How many people did you invite, Mildred?
02:04Oh, well, just a few, dear.
02:08Well, about 40.
02:10Well, I didn't think all of them would want to come.
02:13How right you were.
02:16Did you send proper invitation cards out?
02:19Oh, of course, dear.
02:21Oh, nothing fancy.
02:22You know, just, er...
02:23Mildred Roper will be at home on Saturday morning.
02:27One of them wrote back and said, so will I.
02:34Oh, there, you see.
02:36I knew someone would...
02:38Er, you have her, will you?
02:40Right.
02:41Er, oh, do you think we've got enough sandwiches?
02:43Oh, there's plenty, Mildred.
02:44Yes.
02:45Mm, right.
02:46Well, er, excuse me.
02:51Oh.
02:52Er.
02:53Ahem.
02:54Ah.
02:56Good morning.
02:57Sir, I noticed you didn't bring me out a cup of coffee.
03:26Well, I was going to, when everybody else had gone.
03:29Everybody else?
03:31Oh, I see.
03:33You're the only one that's turned up, aren't you?
03:36Well, yes.
03:39Out of 40 invitations.
03:43Oh, no, it's the same, isn't it?
03:47Sure, you won't be told,
03:48topping those snobs round here, the lot of them.
03:51Oh, no, not you.
03:52You're different.
03:53You feel sorry for her.
03:57George, have you finished weeding that front garden?
04:00Well, oh, yeah, yeah.
04:01I slung them in next door.
04:02Oh.
04:02Oh, no, no, not your side, the other side.
04:06Thanks.
04:08I'm sorry to be the first to leave, Mildred.
04:10Pardon?
04:10Er, er, er, oh, well, I did say I had to go.
04:13Yeah, of course, love, yeah.
04:13Geoffrey's coming home for lunch.
04:15Yes, dear, yeah.
04:15Er, er, yeah.
04:17Thank you ever so much for coming.
04:19Pleasure.
04:19I'll see myself out.
04:20Bye.
04:21Bye-bye, dear.
04:23So, lettuce, watercress, cucumber.
04:27Oh, no wonder nobody come.
04:28You should have made them sausage or fried egg sandwiches.
04:32I had no complaints from Anne.
04:34Well, she's probably on a diet, isn't she?
04:37Yeah, she needs to be.
04:39I don't know if you notice,
04:40but she's not put on a lot of weight lately.
04:45Put on a lot?
04:46Oh, you fool.
04:47Um, I told you weeks ago she was in a...
04:51interesting condition.
04:53Ah, ah.
04:54What, you mean she's, er...
04:56Yes!
04:57Ah!
04:58I thought you meant she was drunk.
05:05Well, that's the last of the vegetable garden.
05:07It's also the first.
05:09Yes.
05:10Well, at least we got one meal out of it.
05:12Hmm, and it's not much more expensive than buying it in the shops.
05:15Quite.
05:15How was the coffee, Mildred?
05:16Oh, it was a disaster.
05:18Nobody turned up.
05:19Well, what do you expect?
05:20Mrs. Clifton White was holding hers at the same time.
05:22Oh, I didn't mention that to Mildred.
05:24The wife of the local council
05:25or the wife of the local scruff bag.
05:27No contest.
05:28You know, sometimes I think Mr. Roper's right.
05:31There are a lot of toffee-nosed snobs round here.
05:33Nonsense!
05:34They're all much the same as me.
05:35Dad, Dad, I've found a caterpillar.
05:40Can I keep it as a pet?
05:42Er, no.
05:42No, no, I don't think so.
05:44Don't let us see the lettuce.
05:45It'll go berserk.
05:47You see, son,
05:49caterpillars don't stay as caterpillars.
05:51They form a cocoon,
05:53then it bursts,
05:53and out comes a butterfly.
05:55When's Mummy going to burst?
05:57Not for two or three months yet.
06:02It's a long business, isn't it?
06:06Yes.
06:14Oh, hello, Terry.
06:16Hello, George.
06:17Have a lollygobble choc bum.
06:18Oh.
06:21Is it all right
06:22if I leave my ice cream van outside?
06:23What?
06:24Oh, yeah, that's all right, yeah.
06:25Hey, hey, I haven't seen you for, oh,
06:28must be about a year.
06:29No, it's eight months, George,
06:30with full remission.
06:33What won the derby in 1928?
06:37I don't know.
06:38A horse.
06:43Oh, dear.
06:44Oh, yeah, it's a good night, isn't it?
06:45Yeah, horse, yeah.
06:48How's Mildew?
06:50What?
06:53Oh, she's much the same.
06:55Oh, well.
06:55You can't win them all, can you?
06:57Oh, you knew I was coming, then.
06:59Oh, go on, help yourself.
07:02Right.
07:03Let's see what we've got to drink, boys.
07:06Now, there's gin,
07:08whiskey,
07:09vodka.
07:10They're all empty.
07:12Here.
07:13Do you fancy a pruned brandy?
07:17I'll stay with a coffee if it's lots of good.
07:19George, sit down.
07:20What?
07:20Listen,
07:21I'm going to make you a millionaire overnight.
07:25Well, that's very decent of you.
07:27It might take a month or two,
07:28but this is the investment opportunity of a lifetime.
07:32What?
07:33Floggy night, floggy.
07:33Oh, no, no.
07:36I just borrowed that van from me granny.
07:38I usually drive around in an XJS.
07:41I had to loan it to the finance company.
07:43Now, this scheme,
07:45fully backed by an Arab consortium...
07:48And who has left that ice-cream van
07:50just outside my...
07:52Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:55Oh, I might have known.
07:56Morning, Mrs Hart.
07:58Yes.
07:58You know, for a moment there,
08:00I thought you was your own daughter when you come in.
08:02Shift it!
08:04Before the neighbours complain.
08:06Right.
08:07Jerry was just telling me about...
08:09It's all right, George.
08:10It's all right.
08:10We'll carry on chatting in the pub.
08:13Even those little laughter wrinkles
08:15seem to enhance this...
08:17Shift it!
08:17Here we are, Jerry.
08:32Right, now then.
08:33What's this scheme of yours, eh?
08:35I'm just going to say one word to you, George.
08:38Pigeon.
08:41Pigeon?
08:42What's the first word you think after pigeon?
08:45Well...
08:45Car.
08:47Oh, oh, yeah.
08:49Yeah, that as well, yeah.
08:51There's a fortune to be made in pigeon farming.
08:56You said?
08:56I have here the projected profit ratio,
08:59input-output cash flow,
09:01of the first year.
09:02Oh, yeah.
09:03Incredible.
09:03And the initial livestock can be got from Trafalgar Square for nothing.
09:15All you need is a handful of millet and glue right along your arm.
09:21And then you start reading them.
09:23And then you start reading them.
09:25They don't need much encouragement.
09:27Before you know where you are, you've got a whole chain of Kentucky Fried Pigeon Shops.
09:33Yeah, but wouldn't they sort of, well, you know, wouldn't they fly away?
09:38Not when they're covered in breadcrumbs and cooked.
09:43Now, if it's just you, me, and the Arab consortium, how much are you going to put in?
09:48Everything.
09:49Good, mate.
09:49My life savings.
09:50Well done.
09:51£10.76.
09:52No, no, George.
09:56I was thinking more in terms of four figures.
09:58Well, that is four figures.
10:01Yeah.
10:02Yeah, but let's put it this way.
10:03That won't even buy the shovels to keep the cages clean.
10:06Well, how much would I have to put in?
10:08Well, it's got to be in thousands, George.
10:10Not so much for the money, more for the personal commitment.
10:13Well, personally, I'm ready to be committed.
10:16Yeah.
10:18What about old Mildew?
10:21Is she any cash tucked away?
10:23Oh.
10:25Well, there's so many left over, dear, I thought that you might be able to use them, you know, for Tristram's tea.
10:30Oh.
10:31Well, thanks, Mildred.
10:32I'll try them, but I think he prefers sausage or fried egg sandwiches.
10:36Yes.
10:37Oh, well.
10:39Oh, don't feel too badly about this morning, Mildred.
10:42I think Mrs Clifton-White was having a coffee morning as well.
10:46What, the councillor's wife?
10:47The WI chairwoman?
10:49The one on the Board of Governors of the school?
10:51Oh, you know her?
10:52No.
10:52I don't know anyone, except the Avon lady.
10:58Perhaps you should have invited her.
11:00I did.
11:01She didn't come, either.
11:02Mildred, Mildred, Mildred, Mildred.
11:11Hello, my precious.
11:25And what are you up to?
11:30Why have you got that box out?
11:31Boxed, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox, pox.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Oh, that, I was just taking, how dare you?
11:37What?
11:38How dare you accuse me of going through your personal papers?
11:41Oh, so that's what you were doing, was it?
11:44How did you know?
11:45I was just seeing how we were sort of fixed, you know, financially.
11:50Oh, I'm all right, George.
11:52You have nothing.
11:55Next question.
11:57What about this insurance policy? It must be worth something.
12:00Yes, when you're dead.
12:03Well, couldn't I get an advance on it?
12:06Very likely.
12:07I mean, let's face it, there's not a lot of life left in you.
12:13Anyway, what do you want money for?
12:14Oh, well, Jerry's got me interested in an investment scheme he's thought up, see, and...
12:18Oh, I see, and you want money to have your head examined, is that it?
12:22Yeah.
12:22No, no, it's just that, well, see, this idea he's got is, you see...
12:26Yeah, well, don't bother to tell me, George.
12:28I'm not in the mood to laugh.
12:30No, but, Bill, listen, it's a very good idea.
12:32When it comes to your fat friend and his get-poor-quick schemes...
12:37There is no money in this house.
12:42Ah, the house.
12:46Yes.
12:47Yes, I...
12:49Yes, I do agree that our advertisement says the property is on the river and not in it.
12:53But that only happens twice a year.
12:56Yes, I've put details of other properties in the post.
12:58Goodbye.
13:02All right, Maisie, he's been waiting an hour. Show him in.
13:04Oh, hey, hey, good afternoon.
13:12Quite.
13:13If you want to borrow my lawnmower, you'll have to wait till you give it back to me.
13:18No, it's all right, I'll get it fixed first.
13:22Tell me something, what do you think I'll get for my house?
13:26What do you mean, fixed?
13:27You're selling your house.
13:29Well?
13:31You're moving.
13:32Oh, I might.
13:33Depends how much money I'll get.
13:35Oh, lots.
13:36Lots.
13:36Have a drink.
13:37Oh, yes.
13:39I've never really fitted in round here.
13:41Oh, true.
13:42I'll be much happier in a council flat.
13:44Oh, you would.
13:45I've said as much to Anne many times.
13:48What sort of commission do you get?
13:51None.
13:51In your case, none.
13:53I could put it on the market at once.
13:56You could be out in a fortnight.
13:58Cheers.
14:00Oh.
14:00Oh, yes, cheers.
14:01Cheers.
14:01Cheers.
14:02Cheers.
14:03Cheers.
14:04Cheers.
14:05Cheers.
14:05Cheers.
14:06Cheers.
14:06Cheers.
14:07Cheers.
14:08Cheers.
14:09Cheers.
14:10Cheers.
14:11Cheers.
14:12Cheers.
14:13Cheers.
14:14Cheers.
14:15Cheers.
14:16Cheers.
14:17Cheers.
14:18Cheers.
14:19Cheers.
14:20Cheers.
14:21Cheers.
14:22Cheers.
14:23Cheers.
14:25Cheers.
14:26Cheers.
14:27Cheers.
14:28Cheers.
14:29Cheers.
14:30Cheers.
14:31Hello, George. Geoffrey here.
14:35Who? Mr. Formile.
14:38Look, I have a couple with me who are very interested in looking over your property.
14:41A Mr. and Mrs. Williams.
14:43Oh, yeah, right, yes.
14:45What, three o'clock? Yeah.
14:47Yeah, all right, then, three o'clock.
14:50Who was it?
14:54It's the wrong number.
14:55They wanted a speaking clock.
14:57That's why I told them the time, see?
14:59It's only quarter past one.
15:01Oh, yeah, well, they didn't want to know the time now.
15:04They wanted to know what it would be at three o'clock.
15:08Yeah, it's a bit silly, really, isn't it?
15:10Yes.
15:11Mildred?
15:12What?
15:12Would you like to go to the pictures this afternoon?
15:14There's a good film on.
15:15Oh, George, we haven't been to the pictures together in the afternoon since we were,
15:21well, since we were courting.
15:23I don't know.
15:24Yeah, do you remember?
15:26You got your shirt tail caught in the tip-up seat.
15:31Yeah, I remember.
15:32Yeah.
15:33Oh, here we are, look, see?
15:34Nympho night nurse coupled with Red Hot and Ready.
15:39George, we can't go and see anything like that.
15:42Oh, not me.
15:42I've seen them already.
15:43No, you can go.
15:44Oh, no, I see.
15:46Well, I wouldn't.
15:48Anyway, I've got a lot of shopping to do.
15:51Ah.
15:52Oh.
15:54Good.
15:54Gin and tonic, please, and tomato juice and, um, oh, a club sandwich.
16:01Oh, this is no fun.
16:03I can't drink and I can't smoke.
16:06All right, Anne, I've had to give up a few things as well.
16:08Only the one.
16:12And that's what caused it in the first place.
16:15Hello, Anne.
16:17Oh, hello, Elizabeth.
16:18We did miss you at our little coffee morning.
16:21Yes.
16:22Um, I don't think you've met my husband, Geoffrey.
16:24Mr. and Mrs. Clifton White.
16:25How do you do, sir?
16:26Please, Reginald.
16:28Reginald.
16:28Uh, can I buy you both a drink?
16:29Gin and tonics.
16:30Right.
16:31I'd already arranged to go to my next-door neighbour's coffee morning.
16:34Absolute disaster.
16:35Nobody turned up.
16:36Oh, how awful, Flora.
16:38Oh, quite, quite.
16:39Uh, sad business.
16:40Her name's Mildred.
16:41Mildred Roper.
16:42You really should meet her.
16:43I'm sure you'd get on.
16:44Yes, I must pop in sometime, say hello.
16:47Oh, she'd like that.
16:48I'm chairing the committee for repairs to the church roof.
16:51Perhaps I can persuade her to sit on it.
16:56Uh, thank you.
16:57Uh, should we all, uh, grab a table?
16:59Uh, right.
17:01You're wasting your time.
17:02Hmm?
17:02They'll be moving soon.
17:04Who will?
17:04The Ropers, they put the house on the market.
17:10Yeah, and, uh, these, well, as you probably realise, are the stairs leading back down to the hall, see?
17:16And, uh, down there...
17:17Will you be leaving the carpets and curtains?
17:19Oh, no.
17:20Thank God for that.
17:22And, uh, down here there's more hall, see?
17:24Leading through to the, uh, uh, the lounge-stroke dining room.
17:28Hmm.
17:29Yes.
17:30Well, uh, oh, what do you think, my dear?
17:32Can you hear the neighbours through the walls?
17:36Oh, yeah, it's better than the telly some nights.
17:39Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:41It's a nice area.
17:42It's a good park.
17:43Football pitch, cricket, tennis.
17:44What about drafts?
17:46Well, that's more your indoor game, isn't it?
17:48Do you mind if I jump up and down?
17:51Oh, you like the place that much, do you?
17:53The floorboards.
17:54What?
17:55Oh, yeah, there's plenty of them.
17:57They're under the carpets, see?
17:58Uh, George!
17:59Oh, my God.
18:01Uh, excuse me, uh, talk amongst yourselves.
18:05Uh, uh, you're back early, my precious.
18:08Yes, well, shopping doesn't take too long when you don't meet anybody to gossip with.
18:14Who are you talking to?
18:15Oh, uh, no, no, no, just people.
18:18Uh, a man and his wife, see?
18:20They, um, well, they dropped in to say hello.
18:22What, neighbours?
18:23Mm.
18:23Oh, George, how nice.
18:26You see?
18:27They aren't all toffee-nosed snobs.
18:29Yeah, but this is Mildred.
18:31How do you do?
18:33Oh, uh, this is, uh, my wife, and this is Mr and Mrs What's name here.
18:36Yeah, well, it's very nice of you to come.
18:37Uh, George, where are your manners?
18:41How nice to meet you.
18:42Yes.
18:45A few squeaks here.
18:46Uh, yes, it's a floorboard.
18:48Oh, do sit down.
18:49Um, have a sherry.
18:51Or a prune brandy.
18:54No, no, no, no, no, no, please, George.
18:57Pour us all out a drink.
18:59Come on.
19:00Oh, do sit down.
19:01There we are.
19:03Oh, how nice of you to drop in.
19:05Well, not really.
19:07We want you to look round your house.
19:09Oh?
19:09You can't tell from the outside, can you?
19:11No, I suppose you can't, no.
19:14You can't tell what?
19:16Well, for instance, your bedroom's a lot smaller than we expected.
19:21George showed you our bedroom.
19:23Oh, yes.
19:26And the bathroom.
19:27We were rather hoping for a shower.
19:30Oh, really?
19:34Oh, well, uh, perhaps after you've had a drink.
19:36There we are.
19:40You, uh, you just swig these down, then you can go.
19:44Your ceiling's got one or two very nasty cracks.
19:47Right.
19:53Let's get the homework done.
19:54Otherwise, you'll have nothing to forget to take to school tomorrow.
19:57All right.
19:58Mum?
19:59Yes?
20:01Jason's Rabbit's just had ten babies all at once.
20:04Really?
20:05If you had ten, we could form our own football team.
20:10And I'd be captain, cos I'm the oldest.
20:13Homework.
20:14I'm just popping next door.
20:17Oh, there you go.
20:18You're right.
20:20I suppose if the kitchen were a bit bigger,
20:22but, well, frankly, I really don't like these houses.
20:25Neither do I.
20:26Well, I'm sorry about that.
20:28Yeah, well, we won't detain you.
20:29There you go.
20:31Of course, it would look better with our furniture in.
20:34Oh, absolutely.
20:35Yeah, right, off you go.
20:36It's very nice to meet the court.
20:37Here, Mum, I'll see your own self out.
20:39Oh, they were a nice couple, weren't they?
20:41Ah!
20:42And did they say where they lived?
20:44Yeah, Potter's Bar.
20:45Potter's Bar.
20:47Oh, they've come all this way, just to drop in?
20:51Yeah, well, it's neighbourly of them, wasn't it?
20:53Ah!
20:54Ah, ah, ah.
20:56Pfft.
20:56Oh.
20:59A complete waste of a perfectly good pruned brandy.
21:06Yeah?
21:06Oh, hello, love.
21:09Come on in.
21:10Mildred, I'm so sorry to hear we're not going to be neighbours anymore.
21:14You're not moving.
21:15What?
21:16No, you are.
21:17No, you are.
21:19Pardon?
21:20The big fight, followed by a general hospital.
21:31Er, George.
21:32Yes, Mildred?
21:33Do you want to be buried or cremated?
21:37Well, neither.
21:38I'm not dead.
21:39Not yet.
21:40What do you mean?
21:41You have been trying to sell this house behind my back.
21:44Oh, er, no, no.
21:46I'll just put it on the market to see how much it'll be worth.
21:48Why?
21:49Of course I could sell it.
21:51Now, you see, Gerry's got this very good to get cremated.
21:54Oh.
21:57And how many other people have been poking their noses round my home,
22:01sneering at my ceiling, insulting my furniture?
22:06Well, I can tell you now, George, it is going to stop.
22:10Yeah, Mildred.
22:12I didn't mean to, Mildred.
22:14Yeah.
22:16This is your fault.
22:19Sorry.
22:22Mrs Roper?
22:24Yes?
22:25We probably should have telephoned first.
22:26Oh, no.
22:27Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
22:31You are not going to come into my house and criticise it.
22:35But surely we...
22:36Jumping up and down on my floors.
22:39Saying my bathroom's too small.
22:42Poking your nose into my lavatory.
22:45Go away!
22:46I'll be safe that we wanted...
22:48Go away!
22:49Oh!
22:52Here we go.
22:53Oh, Mildred, they didn't come to look at the house.
22:55They came to see you.
22:58What?
22:59That was Mr. and Mrs. Clifton White.
23:01Oh, my God.
23:02Oh, my God.
23:07George!
23:08George!
23:08Oh.
23:15Here we are.
23:17Yeah, so, er...
23:18Well, I thought it wouldn't be right to sell the house behind Mildred's back, see?
23:22So, er, I won't be able to raise enough money to come in on the pigeon farm, Gerry.
23:26Ah, that's fallen by the wayside.
23:28What?
23:28The Arab consortium withdrew its finances.
23:33Abdullah and his missus at the sweetly shop.
23:35Oh.
23:36Seems they had a gas bill.
23:38Still, you did say you had £10.76, didn't you?
23:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
23:42Now, a remarkable opportunity has come up for the small investor.
23:46Really?
23:47You know how the French eat snails, right?
23:51But it takes a man of vision, a man such as yourself,
23:54to realise the marketing potential of the humble British Newt.
24:03Just think of it, George, think of it.
24:05Newt and chips.
24:09Newt burger.
24:12Newt in a basket.
24:16Tell me more, Gerry.
24:17Hmm.
24:50Newt.
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