- 22 hours ago
First broadcast 8th November 1976.
Ethel and Humphrey come round to discuss the future of Ethel's and Mildred's elderly mother.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Gretchen Franklin - Mother
Jean Marlow - Hilda
Mike Reynell - Pub Customer
Ethel and Humphrey come round to discuss the future of Ethel's and Mildred's elderly mother.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Gretchen Franklin - Mother
Jean Marlow - Hilda
Mike Reynell - Pub Customer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:00There I am. At last, it's taken me an age.
01:03I love you to see you. I know, love.
01:07The traffic is just dreadful. Go inside, my love. There you go. That's it, yes.
01:13Oh, I hope you don't mind me parking my new bottle green automatic Jaguar XJ6 outside.
01:20Only Humphrey gave it to me for my birthday.
01:23You're still having birthdays, are you, dear? Oh, well, there you go.
01:27George, it's my sister, Ethel.
01:29Yeah, I could hear her credit cards rattling.
01:32To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?
01:35It is not unexpected, George.
01:37No, it's not a pleasure, either.
01:39I can't stop. I just popped in to have a chat about Mother.
01:43Well, that's all we need. Let's bring his mother in your car.
01:45Actually, that reminds me. On Saturday, I'm selling flags for the pig ignorant.
01:55Well, George isn't too keen on having Mother stay with us for the week.
01:59Oh, he's hiding it well. I must say, Humphrey gets on with her all right.
02:03Yes, well, I mean, he's more used to older women, isn't he, dear?
02:07Uh, Sherry?
02:09What, have you got some of that Sherry you served the last time?
02:11Yes.
02:11No, thank you.
02:13Now, about Mother, she is not getting any younger.
02:16Oh, well, dear, none of us are. Apart from you, of course.
02:20What we need to say is, she's living in the past, just a little.
02:24Every time the planes fly over from Heathrow,
02:27she can't understand why the ACAC guns aren't firing out.
02:31I think most of us feel that way, dear.
02:33And Hilda, for a week last year, she says she's getting very forgetful.
02:38Oh, Hilda can talk. Five kids, she's supposed to be on the pill.
02:41Five and a half, the chemist was shut again.
02:43Oh, no.
02:46Anyway, I thought I'd better just drop in and mention it.
02:49Yeah, and Sherry's a bottle green, all the maddy XJ was named.
02:52Oh, George.
02:53Well, it's a wonder she didn't bring it in with her.
02:54It's perfectly all right, Mildred.
02:57Mother was right, you should never have married him.
03:01See, but your mother was against you and me getting married?
03:04Well, yes.
03:06God, how I've wronged that woman.
03:16Anne, I want a word with you.
03:17I have just found a sticky toffee apple in the glove compartment.
03:21Oh, well, don't eat it now.
03:22You'll spoil your dinner.
03:24Where is Tristram?
03:25Well, why blame him?
03:26It could be that Mr Michaels down at your garage.
03:29Well, I've never seen him eating toffee apples.
03:31Well, he probably sees you coming and then hides them in the glove compartment.
03:34Right.
03:35Where is he?
03:35Oh, just a minute, Geoffrey.
03:37Er, listen, he's a bit upset.
03:39He, er...
03:41Well, he got a black eye at school today.
03:43He got a...
03:44A black eye?
03:45In school?
03:46You mean he's been...
03:48Fighting?
03:49My lad?
03:53Did he put up a good show?
03:54You know, win, that sort of thing.
03:55No, he lost.
03:56And you know I disapprove of fighting.
03:58Who was it?
03:58He wouldn't say.
04:00Right.
04:00Right.
04:00Hello there, soldier.
04:12All right?
04:14I've got a black eye.
04:16Yes, yes.
04:19Oh.
04:20Look, er, I don't want you to feel you've let me down at all by not winning,
04:23because, er, I imagine your opponent was, what, twice your size?
04:26No.
04:28Smaller.
04:30Probably a council child, wiry and cunning.
04:32They developed their reflexes through doing paper rounds.
04:35It was Leslie Wilkinson.
04:37Little Leslie?
04:38All right, Anne.
04:40Tell you what we do, soldier.
04:41First thing Monday, your mother will go out and buy a pair of boxing gloves.
04:43And hit Leslie Wilkinson?
04:45Yes.
04:45No, no.
04:46We'll do boxing lessons and you can do it.
04:49You said I shouldn't hit girls.
04:50Girls?
04:58Oh, Mother.
05:00Oh, it's been ages.
05:04Well, you're looking very well, Ethel.
05:06Er, Mildred, dear.
05:08Yes.
05:09Now, where are the children?
05:11Bring them in to see Granny.
05:13Er, you're thinking of Hilda, Mother.
05:16Yes.
05:16Yes.
05:17Well, go on, in you go.
05:19There you are.
05:20Good.
05:21Oh.
05:23Yes.
05:24There we are.
05:25Oh.
05:26Now, mind the stairs, dear.
05:28That's right.
05:29There you are.
05:29There you are.
05:30Oh.
05:31Oh.
05:32We have been looking forward to this visit.
05:35Er, George.
05:35Er, George wants to say something to you, Mother.
05:38Don't you, George?
05:38Yeah.
05:39Yeah.
05:39Yeah.
05:39Welcome, Mother-in-law.
05:42We hope you'll stay with us.
05:43We'll be, uh...
05:44We'll be a...
05:45Pleasant one.
05:46Yeah, be a pleasant one, yeah.
05:47Oh.
05:48Thank you, Humphrey.
05:50Okay.
05:52Er, George.
05:54Yes.
05:54Er, George.
05:55Look.
05:55Er, go and get Mar's bag from the taxi.
05:58Will you pay him?
05:59Oh, cool.
05:59You sit down, dear.
06:00There we are.
06:03Cool.
06:04You were lucky, getting a taxi from the station.
06:07Oh, I didn't, dear.
06:08I got one from Dagenham.
06:10I can't afford the train.
06:13But it's ever so much more expensive by taxi.
06:15Yes, but Humphrey's paying for it.
06:18Oh.
06:19You've got a Yorkshire Terrier.
06:22Yes.
06:22Oh, come on, then, love.
06:24It's truffles.
06:25Look.
06:25Here.
06:26Yes.
06:26Mildred's got one of them.
06:29Yes, dear.
06:30Yes.
06:31Erm.
06:32Er, well, this is nice, Mother.
06:34Yes.
06:34Yeah.
06:34How are you keeping?
06:36Oh, very well.
06:38I've not had a day's illness since that new woman doctor came.
06:41Oh, yeah?
06:42Oh, is she good?
06:43Oh, no.
06:44I just don't like her.
06:46She hasn't got a man's hands.
06:50Oh, blimey.
06:53Do you know how much he wanted?
06:54Nearly six quid.
06:56Only expected a tip.
06:57Here.
06:58Look at that.
06:58Five P change.
06:59Oh, thank you, George.
07:03Leave it, George.
07:04At least she got the name right.
07:08Right.
07:09Right, Chester, here we go.
07:10Oh.
07:10Lesson one.
07:13Lead with your left.
07:15Like this.
07:17Right.
07:17Now, hit me on the chin.
07:18I can't reach it.
07:20Oh, no.
07:21Erm.
07:21Well, er.
07:22How about this?
07:24Oh, you'd better take your glasses off.
07:26Then I won't be able to see.
07:27Ah, no.
07:29Er.
07:29Well, erm, I'll take my glasses off as well.
07:32Neither of us will be able to see.
07:33That's fair.
07:37Anne.
07:38Anne.
07:39Yes?
07:39Er.
07:40Could you take our glasses off before we start, please?
07:42Oh, I bet Ali and Foreman never had this trouble.
07:45Right.
07:47Have you taken his glasses off?
07:48Yes.
07:49Good, good.
07:50Where are you?
07:51This.
07:52Ah.
07:55Right.
07:56You ready?
07:57I think so.
07:58No, you're not, son.
07:58You see, because your guard's open.
07:59Look.
08:00You see?
08:00You see?
08:01Oh, I can't stand it.
08:04Oh, get that for me, Geoffrey.
08:05I've got a pan on.
08:06Oh, Anne, but, er.
08:07Oh.
08:08Er.
08:09Can you see my glasses?
08:10No, of course you can't.
08:11Er.
08:11Keep your guard on.
08:13Is this up?
08:14Is it?
08:14Well, er, keep it up.
08:21Yes, yes, yes.
08:22I'm trying to open the door.
08:24Ah.
08:25Er, who is it?
08:25Oh, it's me, Mr. Four Mile.
08:27Oh, Mrs. Roper.
08:29Er, what can I do for you?
08:30Er, well, I was, er, wondering if you could possibly fill this for me.
08:32Well, I might be able to.
08:33What is it?
08:34Er, well, it's a peppermint.
08:36I've run out of peppercorns, you see, and I thought I might...
08:39Ah.
08:39Er, I haven't called it a bad moment, have I?
08:42I mean, you know, you're not having a disagreement with Anne.
08:45What?
08:45Oh, no, no, no, no.
08:46No.
08:47Er, she's in the kitchen.
08:48Do come in.
08:48Oh, sure, thank you.
08:49I'll close the door.
08:52There we are.
08:54I'm knitting this for Hilda.
08:56It never fit her.
08:58For the baby.
09:00She's expecting her, then.
09:01Oh, yeah.
09:02Gets pregnant if she shares her husband's bath water, she does.
09:04Oh, they're lovely kiddies.
09:08Got five, she has.
09:09Haven't you ever wanted one, George?
09:12Why?
09:12She give them away.
09:14I'd like another grandson.
09:17Before I go.
09:18Oh, it's a bit short notice, you're only here for a week.
09:21Someone to carry on the family name.
09:24I suppose only Arthur can do that.
09:27Arthur?
09:27Who's Arthur?
09:29My eldest.
09:30Oh, you've never met him, have you?
09:33He's in New Zealand.
09:35Oh, yeah, well, that's probably why.
09:37Emigrated.
09:39He's still the bachelor gay, of course.
09:41Oh, well, so much for the family name.
09:45Oh, here we are, then.
09:46Dinner's then you're ready, Mother.
09:48I've made you some nice steamed fish in milk.
09:50Oh, I'd rather have a lamb chop.
09:53They smell nice.
09:54Oh, well, you can have mine.
09:56Oh, good thinking, Miltree.
09:57And I'll have yours, you can have the fish.
10:00Next you'll be giving her a brown ale.
10:02Oh, thank you, George.
10:08Isn't he kind?
10:09Oh, blimey, it's going to be a hell of a week, this is.
10:20Ah, breakfast, that looks good.
10:21That's Mother's, George, and I expect you'll like the paper, too.
10:25Oh, that's typical, isn't it?
10:26For the past week, I've come second in this household.
10:28Third, George, or forgetting the dog?
10:30Waiting on her hand and foot.
10:31If she had an itchy nose, you sneeze for her.
10:33Well, she needs looking after her.
10:35Well, so do I.
10:36Well, you're not an old lady, George.
10:38You're a bit of an old woman, but you're not an old lady.
10:41I'll be glad when we see the back of her.
10:43Well, don't hold your breath while you're waiting, George.
10:45What?
10:45Because I am seriously thinking of having my mother stay with us permanently.
11:22Now look here, Mildred, your mother is not living with us.
11:38Oh, don't get yourself an estate, George.
11:41I mean, I know there are drawbacks, but there are advantages too.
11:44If she stays, I go.
11:45Yes, that's one of them.
11:48She's got her own home in what's name? Dagnum.
11:51If it's good enough for the girl Pipers, it's good enough for her.
11:54But George, she's all alone there.
11:56I mean, how would you like to be all alone in your old age?
11:59As a matter of fact, that's one of my ambitions.
12:03I see.
12:05You know, George, sometimes you can say the most hurtful things.
12:10Yeah, well, don't turn on the waterworks.
12:14We used to be happy once, George, you and I.
12:17Sometimes.
12:18I mean, what happened to us?
12:20Oh, we got married, Mildred.
12:23Yes, but people who get married don't have to hate each other.
12:25Well, we don't hate each other.
12:27You speak for yourself.
12:29Oh, don't misunderstand me, dearest.
12:31I mean, I've got a lot of affection and respect for your mother.
12:35I just don't see why we should be lumbered with the old boot.
12:38Why can't one of the others look after her?
12:40Because Hilda is expecting.
12:41Yeah, so's Ethel, expecting us to lumber ourselves.
12:44Look, your mother is nothing but an old, old...
12:45Isn't lunch ready yet?
12:48Gannet, that's the word I was searching for.
12:51George!
12:52Gannet?
12:53What's he mean, Gannet?
12:55Oh, well, it's a sort of raincoat, Mother.
12:58You see, George was thinking of buying one.
13:01There's some tea in the pot, if you'd like a cup.
13:02Oh, thank you very much.
13:04There you are, dear.
13:06You!
13:07I am your husband, Mildred.
13:09I do have certain rights.
13:10But it's months since you...
13:12Other rights, sir.
13:15Privacy in my own home.
13:17I mean, she's not just our responsibility.
13:19Well, no.
13:20I gave you my advice what to do with her at the beginning of the week.
13:23I am not having her put down.
13:28Oh, dear.
13:30That's it, soldier.
13:31Keep them coming.
13:32Now, don't worry about the fact you're not getting through.
13:34It's just that I'm rather good at it.
13:36Don't forget to use your feet.
13:37You mean I can kick you?
13:39No, no, no, no.
13:41Footwork.
13:42That's it.
13:42In my case, knee work.
13:44Try and catch me with a guard, Dan.
13:46I'd rather learn kung fu.
13:47We are not having any of that foreign rubbish in this house.
13:49You learn a good British straight left,
13:51you won't have to worry about being bullied at school.
13:53No, you can be bullied at home instead.
13:56End of round 37.
13:59He's, uh, he's getting rather good at it, Anne.
14:00It is, Anne, isn't it?
14:03Yes.
14:04Actually, you look more attractive without your glasses on.
14:07Yeah, so do you.
14:08Oh, thank you.
14:10Right, it was a really good hard right.
14:12Any more of that than I will.
14:13Well, I wasn't actually talking to you.
14:14I was...
14:14Oh!
14:15I can't tell you what he's got, now!
14:20Yes!
14:25Here we are, then.
14:26There we are.
14:27Now, sit yourselves down.
14:28Ethel over there, dear.
14:30And Humphrey over there.
14:31That's it.
14:32By the lamp.
14:35Uh, George?
14:37What?
14:37Oh, yeah.
14:38Right there.
14:40Anyone careful, Sherry?
14:41No.
14:41No.
14:42No.
14:44Is, uh, Hilda coming to this, uh...
14:46Family conference?
14:47Yes, dear, she is, yes.
14:48What about Fertile Fred?
14:50Yes, well, her husband will be here, too, I think, yes.
14:54Uh, George.
14:55George.
14:56All right, all right.
14:57Oh, it's all been such a rush, Mildred.
14:59When you rang, I hadn't even got my face on.
15:01Oh, you should have said, dear.
15:03We could have made it next week.
15:06Well, I've told you what I think you should do with your mother.
15:09Humphrey.
15:09Quite right, Ethel.
15:10I think we should wait till Hilda gets here before we start any conference...
15:13Oh, she's here.
15:15Oh, hello, Lord.
15:17How are you?
15:18Little thing.
15:22Oh, look at that.
15:23Looks like the opening scene from Macbeth, doesn't it?
15:26Eh?
15:26All they need is a bubbling cauldron.
15:28What was that, Humphrey?
15:30Eh?
15:30Oh, no, I was just saying, dear, it's been a long time since we had a family get-together like this, hasn't it, George?
15:36Eh?
15:36Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
15:38Yeah, that was a good night, though, wasn't it?
15:39You know, drinking a bit of a knees-up.
15:41Oh, God, yeah.
15:42You know, that's the only time I've ever seen your mother have a really good laugh.
15:46Yeah, when was that?
15:47My father's funeral.
15:50Oh, yeah.
15:51Oh, yeah.
15:56Frederick not with you, dear?
15:58No, he's not.
15:59He's a bit tired.
16:00Oh, that's understandable.
16:02He sends his love?
16:03Yes, we can see he does, dear.
16:05Um, well, now that we're all here, now, I want to talk about Mother.
16:09Isn't he ready yet?
16:12Oh, what a surprise.
16:16Oh, Ethel, Hilda, Mildred, Frederick, and George.
16:22Yeah, well, I live here.
16:23Have you all come to see me?
16:26Yes, Mother.
16:27Now, isn't that nice?
16:28Aww.
16:28And now that they have all seen you, George is going to take you down the pub for a little
16:32drink.
16:33Am I?
16:34Yes, eh?
16:35You can't blame him, Geoffrey.
16:40You did ask him to try and hit you.
16:42Not when I wasn't looking.
16:44Um, how is it?
16:46Oh, well, it's, um, oh, you look like half a panda.
16:55Oh, so nice to see all the family together again.
16:59Is Arthur coming?
17:00Who?
17:01Oh, no, not all the way from Newfoundland.
17:03New Zealand?
17:04Yeah, well, it's the same place.
17:06No, no, there's a bus strike on, see?
17:09Oh.
17:09Right, well, sit down.
17:10What are you drinking?
17:11Hear the comments now.
17:12You know what people will think, don't you?
17:14No.
17:14Oh, oh, evening, son.
17:16Oh, God, she's been bashing you about, you see?
17:21That's what people will think.
17:22Oh, clocked in with her rolling pin, did you?
17:24What, night out with the lads?
17:25Mr. Roper.
17:26It's all right.
17:27I don't know, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
17:29I mean, we all have our little tiffs.
17:31I should tell people that lad of yours, didn't it?
17:33He did.
17:34Ah, yeah, that's the way.
17:38I can't take her.
17:40Oh, I can see your point about leaving her on her own,
17:43but, well, there's not a lot of space in our house.
17:46I mean, Frederick needs a room of his own.
17:48He's left it a bit late for that, hasn't he?
17:51To study.
17:53He wants to be a producer.
17:55Looks like he's doing all right, isn't he?
17:59Three.
17:59Three.
17:59Three.
18:00Now, I, too, would be only too happy to have Mother come and live with us.
18:06But?
18:07But the one spare room we have, we've had plans drawn up to turn it into a...
18:12Billiard room.
18:13Sauna bath.
18:14Come.
18:15Sauna bath.
18:15Billiard room.
18:16Well, what about you?
18:18George says he's going to leave if Mother comes here.
18:20Oh, good, then you'll have plenty of room.
18:21Oh, that is typical of you, isn't it?
18:23Oh, come on, come on, come on.
18:24Now, look here, let's be reasonable about this.
18:26Now, why don't we put her into the by-do-wee home for retired gentlefolk?
18:32I mean, the walls must be ten feet high.
18:34She'd never get out.
18:35I couldn't push her into a home.
18:40You're trying to push her into mine?
18:42Oh, look, you've got this great big house, a great big swimming pool.
18:45Yeah, I wouldn't mind pushing her into that.
18:47This is our mother we're talking about.
18:51She's given us the best years of her life.
18:54I mean, here we all are, trying to palm her off onto someone else.
18:57Well, I don't know how you feel about it, but I feel ashamed.
19:00So you'll take her?
19:01No, I won't.
19:02You take her.
19:12Yeah, well, this is a bundle of fun, isn't it?
19:17Do you want a game of football?
19:19We haven't got a ball.
19:21No, no, on the machine.
19:23Oh, forget it.
19:25Do you fancy a packet of crisps?
19:26Oh, yes, please.
19:27Yeah, well, get me one while you're up there.
19:31My legs aren't what they were, you know.
19:34I'm not long for this world.
19:36Oh, but you've got time to get a packet of crisps in here.
19:40I've had a good life, though.
19:42Seen all my daughters happily married,
19:44apart from Mildred, of course.
19:47Eh?
19:48I think the world of me, they do.
19:51Oh, do they?
19:51Mm.
19:53They're having a barney at this moment
19:54about which one of them gets stuck with you.
19:57Oh?
19:57Well, I mean, you're getting a bit past it, aren't you?
20:00I mean, look at last Tuesday
20:01when you couldn't get out of the bath
20:02and I had to help you.
20:03I did not enjoy that.
20:07You didn't do very much for me, either.
20:09That's for getting stuck with me.
20:13They needn't bother.
20:15I'm going to a far better place.
20:18Yes, but that might not be for years.
20:20New Zealand.
20:21Oh, not so...
20:22Where?
20:22My eldest, Arthur.
20:25Now, who's that last letter of his?
20:30There.
20:32There.
20:33He's asked me to go and live with him.
20:36And he sent me the tickets
20:38and I've accepted.
20:39Well, why didn't you mention it?
20:42Well, I thought the girls would be so upset.
20:45Upset?
20:46They'd be thrilled to bits.
20:47Well, and upset as well, yeah.
20:49I'm going to have my own room
20:51and he says,
20:53I can help him brand the sheep.
20:56When?
20:58Whenever they need branding.
21:00No, no, no.
21:02When are you going?
21:03Oh, on the 15th.
21:0550?
21:05Well, that's only a couple of days.
21:07Yes.
21:08Here, let's go back and break the good news.
21:10Yeah, I mean, prepare them for the sad parting.
21:12I haven't finished my drink.
21:14Oh, all right.
21:15Hey, son.
21:16Keep an eye on the old lady, will you?
21:18What?
21:18The good eye.
21:20No, I've just got to pop back and...
21:22Oh, this is...
21:25This is Geoffrey...
21:26What's name?
21:26He's a friend of mine.
21:28Oh, here.
21:28Here, get you a packet of crisps.
21:31Hello.
21:32You ought to learn to defend yourself, young man.
21:36Why don't you take up boxing?
21:41We could draw straws.
21:43I saw it in a film once.
21:45Somebody had to jump out of the lifeboat.
21:47Eh?
21:48Kirk Douglas drew the short straw.
21:50Oh, well, that settles it.
21:51She can go and live with him.
21:52Oh.
21:53That is just like you, isn't it?
21:55What are you talking about?
21:55Now, look here.
21:56We do more than a lot of people do for your mother.
21:59You can eat the heaven.
22:01Hey, please.
22:02Please.
22:03That's better.
22:06Perhaps I could put in a word.
22:07I've listened, more in sorrow than in anger, to this sad, sad spectacle of a family divided
22:19against itself.
22:20Oh, God, he's drunk.
22:21I am not drunk.
22:25I am sick.
22:26Sick at heart to think that you, all of you, could turn away this poor old lady in the
22:32twilight of her years.
22:33Oh, God, please.
22:36There is more to life than material possessions, such as swimming pools and kids.
22:42There is charity and love and the pursuit of happiness.
22:49I hold these truths to be self-evident.
22:53Never in the field of human indebted.
22:56Well, what I'm saying is that I'm willing to welcome my mother-in-law to my humble home
23:05for as long as she wishes to stay.
23:12George.
23:17Yeah, well, I'll go and get your coat.
23:20Stole.
23:23Allow me.
23:24Yeah, tell.
23:26Here, George.
23:29Here.
23:30She hasn't got any money, you know.
23:33What care I for wealth?
23:35Oh.
23:37Yeah, I'll go and get the coat, then.
23:38Oh, George.
23:40George, I'm so proud of you.
23:42Yes, well, it might not be for long, Mildred.
23:45And it was one in the eye for that lot, eh?
23:47Yeah.
23:48Well, well done, George.
23:50Of course, I must say, you'd never have had this trouble in the first place if she'd
23:53gone to live with your Arthur in New Zealand.
23:55No, that's right, yeah.
23:57What was that, Mildred?
23:58Arthur.
23:59Oh, he sent her the tickets and everything.
24:02Oh, she was all set to go and then he died.
24:051950, that was.
24:10Now, and do you know she's been carrying his letters around with her ever since?
24:14Poor old Saul.
24:15Yes, my gosh.
24:16Oh, my God.
24:18Thank you, Dr.
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