George & Mildred. S04 E05. Nappy Days.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 14th December 1978.  When the Fourmiles must attend a funeral, Mildred is happy to mind their new baby Tarquin for the day.  Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper Brian Murphy - George Roper Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram Simon Lloyd - Baby Tarquin Norman Mitchell - Stanley Marjie Lawrence - Ada Russell Waters - Fred Billy Burden - Farmer Peggy Aitchison - Wife George Ballantine - Darts Team Leslie Bates - Pub Patron Les Conrad - Pub Patron Alex Hood - Pub Patron Eric Kent - Darts Team James Muir - Darts Team Maureen Nelson - Pub Patron Ronald Nunnery - Darts Team Garth Watkins - Pub Patron

Transcript

00:08Last chanceoriastorasociedstorastorastorastorastorastorastorastorastorastorastora

00:41Oh, yes. Oh, George, there's a full-colour pager of a guy Okamete.

00:48No, I don't like Japanese motorbikes.

00:52Are you sure nobody phoned me today?

00:54No, no, no. Oh, look, here's a Henry Moore.

00:57Oh, he's so powerful.

00:59It looks as if the mice have been had it. It's got holes in it.

01:03They are not holes.

01:04He's showing the dynamic relationship between solid and space.

01:08Yeah? How?

01:10By putting holes in it.

01:13You have no appreciation of art.

01:15Oh, yes, I have.

01:16I'm not talking about page three.

01:20Well, it's daft what they call art nowadays.

01:22I mean, a nose round the side, one eye up here, one eye down there.

01:25Where do you see that, apart from your mother?

01:29My night school teacher says...

01:31Oh, him, Mr. Poncy socks.

01:35And Mr. Pontefract, he says that an appreciation of art is what distinguishes the man from the beast.

01:42Yeah, should be on top of a Christmas tree, he should.

01:46You're wasting your time, a grown woman playing with mud.

01:49Clay modelling.

01:51Well, it's always the same. You start something, and halfway through, you lose interest.

01:58What are you looking at me like that for?

02:03Never mind.

02:04Anyway, as I was saying, they should have rung me by now.

02:07Who?

02:07Oh, nobody.

02:08Oh, they rang, I said.

02:10Who?

02:11Nobody rang, I told you.

02:12If you must know, it's the final of the British Legion darts tournament tomorrow.

02:16They said they'd ring me if I was on the team.

02:18It's between me and old Barney Newton.

02:20Is he still alive?

02:21Well, they think so. The dart keeps leaving his hand.

02:27So, if we leave at nine o'clock and take the A303, we should be there in time for the

02:31kick-off.

02:32It's a funeral, not a football match.

02:35Just a phrase.

02:37Did I ever meet your aunt, Cynthia?

02:39Hmm. She was at our wedding.

02:41She was the one that told the vicar to speak up.

02:43Oh, yes.

02:45Huh. She won't do it this time.

02:47Oh, Geoffrey.

02:48Well, let's face it, Anne, she was over 90.

02:51That's even older than you, Mum.

02:55Just a bit, yes.

02:58I've never been to a funeral.

03:00Do we have to take a present?

03:04No.

03:06What's it like to be dead?

03:08I don't know. Ask Mr Roper.

03:11He's not dead.

03:13From the neck up, he is.

03:15Look, what are we, um, what are we going to do about young Tarquin?

03:18Well, we can't leave him with my mother, because she'll be there.

03:20And your mother's in Switzerland.

03:22Apre-ski instructors.

03:25Quite.

03:26Why don't we take him with us?

03:27Oh, no. Once he starts crying, he can wake the dead.

03:30Sorry, sorry, sorry.

03:31But all we need is someone to the bathroom, just for a day.

03:34Excuse me.

03:35Just returning this.

03:37Come in, Mrs Roper.

03:40Mildred.

03:42Pardon?

03:43Mildred.

03:44Right.

03:45If they won't ring me, I'll just have to call them.

03:56British Legion.

03:58Hello, Ada. It's me.

04:00Can I speak to Stan?

04:02Oh, hold on.

04:03It's the rubber dart kid.

04:05Oh, yeah. I should have rung him.

04:07I'm not here.

04:08He says he's not here.

04:11Oh, good.

04:12Keep it there.

04:14Hello, George.

04:16How about tomorrow night?

04:17Am I on the team?

04:18Well, the selection committee was split.

04:21One half said no way, and the other half just laughed.

04:24Oh.

04:25So it's not decided yet, then?

04:28I can make you 12th man.

04:3012th?

04:30There's only eight on the team.

04:32I mean, on the reserve.

04:34Look, last time we played, I scored a ball.

04:36First throw.

04:37Yes, but the board was in the saloon bar,

04:39and we was playing in the public.

04:42Look, I don't like saying this, Stan,

04:44but if I'm not on the team tomorrow,

04:46I'll just have to wait till the next time.

04:48That's the spirit, George.

04:50Don't you ring us, we'll ring you.

04:54George, guess what?

04:56We're having a baby tomorrow.

04:58Eh?

05:00Oh, God, Mildy, you've got to stop these fantasies.

05:02I mean, at your age, a woman should be...

05:04Oh, George, no.

05:05I mean, the Four Miles baby, little Tarquin.

05:08They're leaving him with us for the day.

05:10Oh, they think we are.

05:11Left luggage office.

05:12Yes.

05:13I knew you'd be thrilled.

05:14Well, I'm looking forward to it.

05:16Oh, it'll be lovely.

05:18Here.

05:18Go and get a tea cloth.

05:20What for?

05:20I'm going to teach you how to change a nappy.

05:25There we are.

05:26Now, you'd better behave yourself today.

05:28Otherwise, your Auntie Mildred will go right off you.

05:31Anne, look, we're running behind schedule.

05:33Tristram, will you hurry up?

05:34He's sitting out in the car.

05:36Ah.

05:36It's all right.

05:37You're sitting out in the car.

05:40He wanted to bring his skateboard, but I told him it wouldn't be right.

05:43Ah.

05:44You have an instinct for these things.

05:46You think Tarquin will be all right next door?

05:47Of course he will.

05:48Yes.

05:49Well, as long as he doesn't pick up any working class habits.

05:56Oh, dear.

05:57I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

05:59Your elbows were going like pistons.

06:01Yes.

06:01Yeah, well, I was a bit restless.

06:03I was thinking of little Tarquin.

06:05Oh, God, hey, no.

06:06Hey, be quiet.

06:07They think we're out.

06:07Oh, don't be so sick.

06:09Go into the lounge.

06:11Take your legs with you.

06:16Oh, come in, love.

06:18There we are.

06:19He's asleep at the moment, but I'm afraid that won't last.

06:21Oh, good.

06:23Now, look.

06:26You are not to worry about a thing.

06:28You just go off and enjoy yourself at your funeral.

06:30Oh.

06:32Sorry, love.

06:33You know.

06:33Yeah, yeah.

06:34Now, you've got here everything you'll need.

06:36Bottles, nappies, sterilisers, earplugs.

06:39We'll be back by seven.

06:41Oh, look, he's in safe hands, dear.

06:43Oh, I am looking forward to today.

06:49Here we are, Tarquin.

06:51It's lovely strained prunes.

06:54Here.

06:55It's ever so good for you.

06:59Can I perhaps, sir?

07:01Here, see.

07:12Listen, sweetheart, he snarled.

07:15Hitting his tonsils with two fingers of bourbon.

07:19No dumb broad pulls a roscoe on me.

07:22Her even white teeth rattled as he slapped a little respect into her.

07:27The dame liked it.

07:28In a husky voice, she said,

07:32ding-a-ling-a-ling.

07:33Don't I have to climb up my little red ladder today?

07:36Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

07:44Don't make it too hot, George.

07:47Test it with your elbow.

07:48All right, all right.

07:50I know that.

07:52I'm not daft.

08:05Oh, dear.

08:07What time they're coming to pick him up?

08:09They said about seven o'clock.

08:10Oh, I think he's gone off.

08:12Well, not before time.

08:13He's more trouble than a loft full of pigeons.

08:16Now, aren't you going to your mudslinging tonight?

08:18I am going to my clay modelling class, yes.

08:22But I'm not going to leave the baby here alone with you.

08:24Oh, why not?

08:25When he started crying, you wanted to put gin in his bottle.

08:29I thought it was gripe water.

08:32Anyway, look, he's out like a light.

08:34Ended to be coming to pick him up any minute.

08:35Well, yes, I know.

08:36You are one of me and Moby can look after him.

08:38Well, I suppose I ought to be going, really.

08:40I don't want to miss my bus.

08:41All right.

08:41Right, look, they'll be here soon.

08:43Yeah, fine.

08:43All right.

08:48Hey, George.

08:56George, I'm bringing home my new figure tonight.

08:59Oh, yeah, buying a corset, are you?

09:02My clay figure.

09:04Mr. Pontefract says that I have a natural bent for it.

09:07Yeah, well, when it comes to being naturally bent, you should know.

09:11Look, when the four miles get here, tell them that he's behaved beautifully.

09:15Yeah, all right.

09:15I'll do that.

09:16I won't be late.

09:16Yeah, fine, fine.

09:17Yes, I'm all right.

09:18Yeah, right.

09:18Yeah, cheers, bye.

09:19All right.

09:21All right.

09:36All right.

09:37This is the electrical system.

09:39Just try it, Anne.

09:45Oh, bloody hell.

09:47You'll wait, Trifthrum.

09:51Have you any idea what's wrong?

09:53It won't bloody start, that's what's wrong.

10:25There you are, there's a good chap.

10:28Dozy, dozy.

10:31Corf.

10:33Off you go, sleepy-byes.

10:36Oh, God.

10:40Shush!

10:41I'm sorry, is that you, George?

10:44I'm speaking on behalf of the selection committee.

10:46Oh, yeah, someone had an accident, did they?

10:48Oh, come on, George, we don't need an accident to get you on a team.

10:51No.

10:52No, it's half on his back.

10:53Now, can you be here at eight o'clock?

10:55Well, I don't know.

10:56Well, I could ring Arthur, couldn't I?

10:58Well, he's only got one leg, he falls over every time he throws.

11:02Yeah, no, it's all right, yeah, I'll be there.

11:04I'm hanging on for someone, but I'll make it by eight.

11:06You can rely on me.

11:11You should stock a people up.

11:14All right, all right, all right.

11:16Come on.

11:19What time do we call this to get decent folk out of their bed?

11:23Well, it's only a quarter to eight.

11:25Yeah, well, some of us got to get up in the morning.

11:28Ah, yes.

11:29Well, you see, my car's broken down.

11:31Who is it?

11:32What is going on down here?

11:35She's a broken-down gentleman.

11:38Foreigner.

11:39Quite.

11:40Good evening.

11:40I was wondering if I might telephone a garage from here.

11:43Are you from London?

11:45Yes, I be.

11:46Ah, you'll know our Jeb.

11:49He went there.

11:50No, I don't think so.

11:53He always had a turnip in his pocket for the office.

11:58Oh, him?

11:59Yes.

12:00And look, may I use your phone, please?

12:02I don't know about that.

12:04There's only old Mrs Pendleton on the exchange.

12:07And she goes to bed by half six.

12:11People around here don't use the phone after that.

12:14Well, this is something of an emergency, you see.

12:17Well, I'll see if it is working.

12:23Only the badgers bring down the line, see?

12:27Yes, of course.

12:28Get back to bed, woman.

12:30Stop flaunting yourself at the jackpot.

12:34I'll tell Jeb I asked after.

12:38Oh, yes, yes, yes.

12:39I most certainly will.

12:41Now, this might take a while.

12:45Mrs Pendleton turns her earring aid off at night

12:48on account of she snores.

12:52Right.

12:53Well, that's me ready for the off-end.

12:56Oh, they're late.

12:57I don't know.

13:03Shush!

13:04Sorry, sorry.

13:05Mr Roper, this is Geoffrey Formile.

13:07Why aren't you here?

13:08Because I'm here.

13:09Where's here?

13:11Where's here?

13:13Hogsbottom.

13:16Never mind where I am.

13:17Look, my car's broken down and it looks as if we're going to be late home.

13:21Hey, who were you calling now?

13:25The next-door neighbour.

13:26Farmer Wilkins.

13:30I didn't know we had a phone.

13:32My next-door neighbour.

13:34Look, we should be home in about three or four hours.

13:36What?

13:37Yeah, I must go now before the badgers bring down the line.

13:39Yeah, but listen, you can't...

13:41I'm supposed to...

13:43Oh, cool.

13:44Here.

13:45No thought for others.

13:47Yeah, I mean, one big chance and I'm stuck here with...

13:51Have you ever seen a darts match before, sir?

14:00Yeah, well, that's settled then.

14:02We fro first, followed by Wilson.

14:05I reckon they ought to blindfold one of theirs, huh?

14:08To make up for us playing George.

14:10He can hit a purple streak now, then.

14:13Here, he's cut it a bit thin, isn't he?

14:15Oh, no.

14:16I'll start pulling his pint.

14:18Never fails.

14:19Right, leave me out.

14:21Oh, there, there.

14:22Leave me.

14:23Hold you back.

14:24There you go.

14:24Hold you go.

14:25Oh, sorry about this.

14:27Mind you back this, Hunter.

14:28There you go.

14:29Here you are, Fred.

14:30Evening, Sam.

14:31Yeah.

14:32What's...

14:32What's this?

14:33Well, a baby.

14:34It's true for I'd come here to get away from that sort of thing, didn't I?

14:37Is he a member?

14:38Well, no, but I got stuck with it, see?

14:40And I...

14:41I had to bring him with me.

14:42I'd be left at home.

14:44Yeah.

14:44Oh, child.

14:44Oh, hey, here, have you got any more milk?

14:47What?

14:48Hey, you can't bring a baby in here.

14:51Well, I had to, see.

14:53Oh, what about all the smoke?

14:54I mean, and the bad language.

14:56What do you mean, there's no bad language in here now, is there?

14:58No, well, he hasn't started playing darts yet.

15:02Oh, look at him.

15:04Here, perhaps I could leave him outside with a bag of crisps.

15:08You're not.

15:09He's coming in the back room where it's peaceful.

15:11Oh, there, there, darling.

15:13Come on, I'll look after you.

15:15Oh.

15:17All right.

15:18Yeah, he belongs to the neighbour, see?

15:21Now, there's been a funeral today.

15:22I see.

15:23And if you let us down this evening, George, there'll be another tomorrow.

15:29Did the mechanic say why it wouldn't start?

15:31He did not.

15:32He only made two remarks.

15:34Who are?

15:35And that'll be £9.50.

15:48It's all down to you now, George.

15:50And you can do it with this harrow.

15:51Yeah, I know, I know.

15:53Oh, until this evening I thought you was rubbish.

15:56Couldn't hit a dartboard who was hanging on your nose.

16:01Enough of the pep talk.

16:02Can I throw now?

16:03But you've done good tonight.

16:05Now, we won a double top and then we've won.

16:07Yeah, right, double top.

16:09That's the wee narrow bit at the top of the pool.

16:13I know that.

16:16Ah!

16:18Ah!

16:20Ah!

16:21Ah!

16:22Ah!

16:23Ah!

16:24Ah!

16:29Ah!

16:30Ah!

16:31Ah!

16:33Ah!

16:35Ah!

16:37Ah!

16:38Ah!

16:39Ah!

16:40Ah!

16:41Ah!

16:42Ah!

16:43Ah!

16:44Ah!

16:45Ah!

16:46Ah!

16:47Ah!

16:50Ah!

16:51Ah!

16:52Ah!

16:54Ah!

16:55Ah!

16:56Ah!

16:58Ah!

16:59Ah!

17:01Ah!

17:02humble joe thank you you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna put this with my boy scouts badge

17:09yeah the one i got for knots oh why not him not

17:17why not yeah yeah i'll drink to that yeah yeah i drunk it already

17:27it's all right you have some more there you are done there we go i didn't think you had it

17:33in you

17:34when you come in there with a baby well yeah i know yeah i thought the same see because when

17:40i was

17:41the baby what i left it there

17:51oh oh hello george here it's the missus hello hello hello

17:59yeah you'll never guess what yeah right right

18:06that was stan oh oh perhaps i want to see him off to the bus stop no no george i

18:12want to show you

18:13something oh yeah well no no no no won't take a minute all right right now close your eyes oh

18:25foiler you can open them

18:29what is it i've taken weeks on this i call it peace oh yeah very nice well i ought to

18:36be going

18:36yeah did they did they pick him up all right you know the baby what who oh oh oh oh

18:42yeah yeah yeah

18:43oh yeah no problem at all yeah yeah fine mr pontefract said this is the best thing i have ever

18:47done

18:48and oi oi where are you going oh out um a jog yeah yeah you know jogging it's good for

18:55the blood

18:59come on tiger wake up time to go to bed

19:08oh hello hello see you're back then yeah um i was uh i was just going off for a jog

19:20oh i can't get the baby

19:29your front door's open oh it's all right love come on in here you are just in time to see

19:35my new

19:35masterpiece what do you think well uh it's different yes it is different isn't it yeah

19:44i call it peace of course i should have spotted the olive branch that's his arm dear

19:53it's different yes it's uh it's different yes how was your day well all right you know apart

20:00from breaking down oh yes well they can be very emotional funerals yes um would you like a brand

20:05oh i wouldn't say no right i hope tarquin's been no trouble oh not at all didn't george tell you

20:11well we only saw it briefly no tantrums uh only one dear when the the baby hit him in the

20:18teeth

20:19with his rattle it was a great night tonight i've never seen george so excited yeah he must have

20:26been left one of his darts behind imagine him getting that last double top makes you wonder where he was

20:34a demon oh great listen i know i know you've left something behind haven't you right i just this

20:41minute put it in the cupboard we can't do that you're suffocating here you are what no not a dart

20:47the baby you didn't leave that poor little mite yeah could happen to anyone yeah good night all

20:59oh i'm afraid there's only a drop dear but we raided the bottle last christmas

21:04that'll be lovely to warm me up then i must get tarquin to bed oh is he still up yes

21:09what well

21:10uh here we are here he is there you are there's your mother oh he's still awake where's his pram

21:18hey oh

21:19uh outside oh well thank you very much mildred i'll see you tomorrow uh yes love but look um i

21:24don't

21:25quite understand why it's yeah but i mean where was he again look love i don't oh night love

21:33oh god never again george i want to ask you just one thing where did that baby come from what

21:42do

21:42you mean originally oh i mean now i thought they picked him up hours ago oh yeah well see uh

21:49that's

21:50a lovely statue mildred oh thank you it's symbolic of course oh yeah you can see that hasn't got any

22:04wash now that baby was not here when i came home now where was he oh um never mind you

22:12stay there

22:13i haven't finished with you yet right uh where was he where was he yeah yes oh i'm ada the

22:23barmaid

22:23from the british legion george left one of his darts behind oh oh and the baby left his raffle

22:37george did you take that baby down to the british legion oh well he insisted on coming mildred

22:45he can't talk and you left him there didn't you yeah no no no no no no no no no

22:52peace

22:53Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

23:25Oh, oh, oh.

24:01Oh, oh, oh.

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