- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 4th December 1979.
George lets his goldfish, Moby, swim in the sink and Mildred accidentally pulls the plug out.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Tarquin
Norman Mitchell - Mr Clayton
Ted Burnett - Rag and Bone Man
George lets his goldfish, Moby, swim in the sink and Mildred accidentally pulls the plug out.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Tarquin
Norman Mitchell - Mr Clayton
Ted Burnett - Rag and Bone Man
Category
đŸ“º
TVTranscript
00:28Closed Captioning by Red Bee Media
01:02All right, come on in a bit. Off we go. Let's go into the kitchen, eh? You'll like it in
01:07here. There we are. All right, it's time for a spring clean, innit? Don't worry, I'm not going to wash
01:15you, just the bowl.
01:17All right. Hey, you can splash about in the sink, that'd make a nice change, wouldn't it? Oh, I'll tell
01:22you what, I'll put in a cup and saucer, then you can swim through the handle.
01:29That'd be fun, wouldn't it? Of course, you might not make it, you're putting on weight, aren't you? Yeah, we
01:35shall have to go on a diet.
01:37All right, let's have a look, then. Yeah, that seems about right. All right, there we go, then. Gently does
01:47it.
01:49There you are. Well, don't go round and round in circles, you've got more room in there. Oh, God, can't
01:57a man and his fish have a quiet conversation.
02:00I'm in the kitchen. God, those buses. I mean, I waited half an hour and then six turned up all
02:06the same time. I think they cloned them down at the depot.
02:10Hey, did you get the sand? Yes, here we are. And the woman next door to me, she had a
02:14baby. What, there and then, on the bus?
02:18She had a baby with her. Kept sticking his dirty great lollipop in my face. Oh, in the end, I
02:24bit it. You should have heard the mother.
02:25I'm not surprised if you bit her baby. George, I think you're getting more obtuse as you get older.
02:31No, I'm not. I'm the same weight as I've always been. If you think... What are you doing with my
02:37royal family tea cloth?
02:39What? Royal family? Oh. Oh, look, the colours have all run. Well, didn't I? Did I? I mean, you'd think
02:46she'd be waterproof, being the queen of net.
02:48Oh. Honestly, George, I've only gone for... Ah!
02:52Oh. Yeah, I... I've been stripping down the engine.
02:56Oh, right. I give in. Fill the bath with coal. Yeah, get some whippets. Burn some mattresses in the garden.
03:04Oh, Mildy, don't need to be childish. Send for Ena Sharples. I give in.
03:09Oh. I don't know. Look at it. Beer cans. Half-eaten sandwiches. Dishes in the sink.
03:17Oh, I've only been gone five minutes. Instant Coronation Street.
03:21Oh, Mildy. Not as bad as all that.
03:26What was that?
03:28Well, the sink acting.
03:30Oh, my God.
03:32Moby, Moby, come back.
03:35Well, you don't mean to tell me your goldfish was in there.
03:37Yes, he was.
03:39Oh, Moby, hang on. I'm coming.
03:44Moby? Moby, are you up there?
03:48I'm sorry, George. I didn't realise.
03:52He's gone down the grid.
03:54And if I was wearing a hat, I'd take it off.
04:00You murdered him.
04:11Come on, history homework. You said you'd do it today.
04:14Can't I do it tomorrow?
04:16Today. Don't say things you don't mean.
04:19I don't.
04:20Ah, so you are going to do the washing up, then?
04:22Um, yes, in a moment.
04:25History.
04:26I've started.
04:29Why did Henry VIII have six wives?
04:33Heaven knows. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment.
04:35Oh, Charlie.
04:37You've only got one.
04:38Yes.
04:40That's Mum.
04:41I know.
04:42What did he do with six wives?
04:45I don't know.
04:46Maybe he washed up a lot.
04:49Haven't you got any geography homework?
04:55We had some good times together, me and Moby.
04:59Yes.
05:01Now the house seems terribly empty.
05:04Yes, George.
05:05Perhaps we should draw the curtains.
05:07Oh, George.
05:09For heaven's sake, it was only a goldfish.
05:12And we don't even know he's dead.
05:14I mean, he's probably swimming about down there.
05:16He's probably met a lady goldfish that'll have some little eggs.
05:20Goldfish don't lay eggs, you're thinking of hens.
05:22All right, then perhaps you'll meet a hen.
05:26Look, George.
05:27Come and have your lunch.
05:29No, I'm not hungry.
05:30Oh, George, it's your favourite fish finger...
05:36You know how to twist a knife, don't you, Mildred?
05:38Oh, George, why don't you go out and buy another one?
05:40No, it wouldn't be the same.
05:41I trained him.
05:42I know, you trained him to sing Rue Britannia.
05:45Not sing it, float to attention to it.
05:48Oh.
05:49Yeah, I can never see it myself.
05:50Well, he knew and I knew.
05:52Now he's gone to a watery grave.
05:53Well, it couldn't be better, really, could it?
05:55You know, for a goldfish, I mean.
05:57Well, that's what I'm looking for.
05:58Oh, George, look.
05:59Would you like to take the sand back to the pet shop?
06:02I mean, we haven't got a...
06:03And you're not going to get a...
06:06It cost 80p.
06:15No, no, no, no.
06:16You've got to feed him seed, you see.
06:19Parrot seed.
06:20Ah, parrot.
06:20Not polyfilla.
06:23That's for the tiles, isn't it, and the walls and all that.
06:26That's right.
06:27All right, then, Mrs Thompson, goodbye.
06:28Off you go.
06:29Come on, Sid.
06:30Oh, that's it.
06:38Daft old biddy.
06:39Oh, yeah.
06:40I brought back the sand.
06:41My goldfish is dead.
06:42Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
06:44A nice little pettis carare serratus.
06:46No, his name was Moby.
06:49That's the Latin name for goldfish.
06:51Well, he wasn't Latin.
06:52He was English through and through.
06:53Used to float to the tension of Royal Britannia.
06:56Oh, I've never heard that.
06:57Well, he must have done.
06:58Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the way.
07:01No, no, I mean, your fish float into a tension.
07:03I mean, well, that's amazing.
07:05I suppose you're anxious to start training another one, then, aren't you?
07:08Oh, no, no, no, it wouldn't seem right.
07:10Oh, no, I suppose not.
07:12Too painful.
07:13How do you feel about Eryctologus cuniculus?
07:16You what?
07:17Oh, really?
07:19Oh, yeah.
07:20Well, a bit stringy sometimes, aren't they?
07:22Quite nice in a stew.
07:24Ah, got it.
07:25Columba, Libya.
07:26Well, they had a lot of pets, these Romans, didn't they?
07:30Pidgets.
07:31Homey pidders.
07:31I'll breed them myself.
07:32I've just got a last pair of mated fancies.
07:35Here we are.
07:36Oh, then, look at that.
07:38Guaranteed to come home.
07:41Oh, she seemed to have taken you already.
07:43Yeah.
07:44You used to handling birds, aren't you?
07:46Well, no, no.
07:47I bet you tossed a few birds in your time.
07:51Can't fool me.
07:52No, no, I haven't on this.
07:54Oh, well, you do surprise me.
07:56Oh, she's settled down all right.
07:58As snug as key mix Lectorius in a rug.
08:00Yeah.
08:01What are their names?
08:02Oh, well, I've been a bit whimsical there.
08:05Liz and Phil.
08:07Hey.
08:08They're quite nice, isn't it?
08:10You breed them, do you?
08:12Oh, yes, and I race them.
08:13It's a lot of good money to be made out of racing pigeons.
08:16Well, surely they can go faster than you.
08:19Against other birds.
08:20But for £15 outlay, you can make a fortune.
08:24Mind you, your neighbours don't always approve of you having pigeons.
08:29No?
08:29Oh, no.
08:30Often they can be quite upset.
08:32Oh, fancy that.
08:35£15, eh?
08:36Oh.
08:41George, I don't like this.
08:42You've never had anything to do with pigeons.
08:45Apart from eating the odd pie.
08:46Oh, I've got a book about them.
08:48A penguin paperback.
08:49But these are pigeons.
08:53It tells you how to train them and breed them.
08:56But we haven't got the space.
08:58I can be a little breeder.
08:59That's true, you can.
09:02Which one's Phil?
09:03Well, I'm not too sure.
09:04I don't think it really matters.
09:06Well, it does to Liz.
09:08Yeah, once I finish this coupe.
09:09Is that the front door?
09:10No, it's the side panel.
09:12Oh.
09:13Yeah, I don't have front doors on pigeon coops.
09:16You have a sort of a trap door on the bottom and they land on...
09:23Oh, I saw a trap door on the top and they land on...
09:33Or is it on the side?
09:37George, do come in, Mr. Formile.
09:39George, Mr. Formile has a serious complaint.
09:42Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, son.
09:45It's about your motorbike.
09:47It has been parked, heaped, on the curb outside for weeks.
09:50I consider it a danger to health.
09:52Whose?
09:52Yours, if you don't shift it.
09:55Cats live in it, Mr. Roper.
09:57Whole families have been born and bred in your sidecar.
10:01They've known no other home.
10:03It smells.
10:05Couldn't you at least hide it in your garage?
10:07I'll pay my rates.
10:08Since when?
10:10Couldn't you at least just do your neighbours?
10:12A silly question.
10:13Um, how would you feel if I piled a heap of rubbish outside my front door?
10:18Oh, perfectly all right with me, son.
10:19You go ahead.
10:22All right with you, Mildred.
10:23I'll give you a hand if you like.
10:24I give up.
10:25I know the feeling.
10:26Well, you park your car out front.
10:28It's clean.
10:29It moves occasionally.
10:31It does not have moss on its south side or rusty tyres.
10:35Well, I've been stripping down the engine.
10:36For two years?
10:38Well, we will be using a little bit more in the future, you know.
10:41Yeah, that's right. I'll be driving over to the park to train your pigeons.
10:44Well, all I'm saying is you should put it in your garage and then perhaps you could pigeons.
10:49Yes, well, um, you see, George is a goldfish. It escaped.
10:54How can a goldfish escape?
10:56So I've decided to keep pigeons. Home in pigeons.
11:00Pigeons?
11:01In Hampton Wick?
11:03What?
11:04It's just two.
11:05A boy and a girl.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:13That's all we need. Pigeons next door.
11:16Give them a couple of months and the sky will be thick with them.
11:18We'll be trapped indoors.
11:20Oh, Geoffrey.
11:21Great flocks of them wheeling over the house.
11:24We'll never see the sun again.
11:25He's only got two.
11:27They attract mice.
11:29Thousands of mice.
11:31Wherever there are pigeons, there are mice.
11:33I've never seen a mouse in Trafalgar Square.
11:36They'll get in here under the floorboards.
11:38We'll be driven out to be pecked to death by his pigeons.
11:41Or scratched to death by his wild cats.
11:44I don't exaggerate, Anne. It's bad enough as it is.
11:48No one will come and visit us.
11:49Of course they will.
11:51Would you run the gamut of a million wheeling pigeons for a glass of sherry and a Ritz cracker?
11:57I know what roper will train them to do.
12:00What?
12:00Never you mind.
12:04They must need permission.
12:07The pigeons? To do that?
12:10The ropers.
12:11They can't build a hutch or whatever it is without planning permission.
12:15Oh, I don't think they...
12:16Anne, this is England.
12:18First thing Monday morning, I'll go down to the town hall and file a complaint.
12:21If they don't need permission, I'll...
12:24I'll eat my hat.
12:26Will he really?
12:28What?
12:29Eat his hat.
12:31Oh, yes.
12:33Your father never says things he doesn't mean.
12:36Wow.
12:37Wow.
13:11You've got to make it as comfortable as possible, so you make them feel at home.
13:14Yeah, but carpet on the floor.
13:16It's only an off-cut.
13:17Yes, it is now.
13:19You've got it off our bedroom carpet.
13:22Only from under the bed.
13:23Who's going to see the hole under there?
13:27Well, I don't know.
13:27The, er...
13:28The milkman?
13:29Yeah, well...
13:30See, once they've settled in...
13:33Once they've settled in, I can start to train them, you see.
13:36Take them out for half a mile and see how...
13:37What milkman?
13:41Leave it, George.
13:42What happens then?
13:43Oh, that's when you start to clock me.
13:44Oh, I look forward to that.
13:46Time them.
13:47See how long it takes them to come back, see?
13:49Oh.
13:49Well, then, after that, I can enter them into races.
13:51They need a band, then, of course.
13:53Well, they race without music.
13:57Are you being deliberately obese?
14:00George, a band?
14:02What sort of a band?
14:03There, on their legs.
14:05Oh, yeah.
14:06Oh, I thought that meant they were married.
14:09Yeah, well, it probably does, but it also tells you when they were born.
14:12What, you mean the whole world can tell how old she is at a glance?
14:15Yeah.
14:16God, it's a dog's life, being a pigeon.
14:18Come and eat.
14:18Oh, yeah, well, there are.
14:20Well, these are two with you.
14:21There's some antics in there.
14:23Well, it seems a shame to waste them.
14:27So, when's a grand inaugural flight?
14:29Eh?
14:30Oh, er, in a couple of days, according to, what's name, the man at the pet shop.
14:35I might try them out this afternoon, give the motorbike a ride to the park.
14:38Oh, kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
14:42Oh, tough.
14:45What's this?
14:46California salad.
14:48It's got nuts in it, and bacon, and currants.
14:54Sultanas.
14:55You can't put currants in a salad, that's disgusting.
14:57Not if you're in California.
14:59This is Hampton Wick.
15:00Sir, they're Hampton Wick currants, eat them.
15:03Well, what's all this pink stuff?
15:05Look, George, just close your eyes and get it over with quickly.
15:08You're good at that.
15:16I'd sooner have egg and chips.
15:18No, no, no.
15:19We are going on a diet.
15:20We are a pound overweight.
15:22We?
15:23You may be.
15:24I'm not.
15:24Oh, dear.
15:26I've been feeding better stuff than this to the pigeons.
15:29You'll never try anything new, will you?
15:31I mean, I'm surprised you even got beyond bicky pegs.
15:35Ah, good wholesome English food.
15:37Irish stew, Welsh rabbit, that sort of thing.
15:40You forgot Scotch eggs.
15:42No, I don't like foreign muck.
15:45When you ate lasagna the other day?
15:47In a sandwich, but you ate it.
15:50You mean that minced up?
15:52Yeah.
15:52Was that foreign?
15:53Yeah, Italian.
15:53I thought it was a wrist hole gone wrong.
15:57Yeah.
16:13She's rattling a bit.
16:15Could be a screw loose.
16:17Well, it can't be the exhaust pipe.
16:19No, it certainly can't.
16:20It fell off back there.
16:21Well, she got us here in one piece.
16:23She may be in one piece, George.
16:25I am not.
16:26Get me out of here.
16:27Oh, right.
16:31There you go.
16:33She's not as young as she was.
16:35Are you talking about me or the motorbike?
16:37Oh, God.
16:38They stopped making these in 1942.
16:40Yeah.
16:41They knew what they were doing.
16:42All right.
16:43Yeah.
16:43All right.
16:44Let's get it over with then.
16:44Let's open the basket.
16:46All right.
16:49Oh, yeah.
16:49Hang on.
16:49Let's have the book first.
16:50Oh.
16:52There you go.
16:52All right.
16:54Now, then.
16:56First flight.
16:57Take the young bird in both hands.
17:01That's a misprint.
17:04Hold gently but firmly, then release bird into the air.
17:08Could be a bit tricky, that.
17:11Oh.
17:11You hold it.
17:13All right.
17:16All right.
17:17Now, come on.
17:19Now.
17:21Phil.
17:22All this.
17:22Whatever your name is.
17:24All right, now.
17:25It's number 46, peacock crescent.
17:27Now, you head straight to the church, turn right at the traffic lights, and then go down
17:33the high street.
17:35Left at the traffic lights.
17:36It's a one-way street.
17:38No, it isn't.
17:38Oh, yes, it is.
17:40Left at the traffic.
17:42What am I doing?
17:43Giving directions to a pigeon.
17:45All right.
17:45Don't forget.
17:46You're a racing homer, so race home.
17:48I'll go.
17:53Right.
17:53What now?
17:54Oh.
17:56Er...
17:57Ditto.
17:59Oh.
18:02Come on, Phil.
18:03This.
18:04There we go.
18:05It's your turn now.
18:06Number 46, peacock crescent.
18:07See?
18:07And left at the traffic lights.
18:09Yeah, that's right.
18:10See you later.
18:13All right.
18:14Anything else?
18:15Well, you could always give them a wave.
18:17Hiya.
18:18Cheerio.
18:20They're going round and round in circles.
18:22Yeah.
18:22Just like your goldfish.
18:25Hey, it's this way.
18:27It's great to head, you stupid bird.
18:33Is he coming home for lunch today?
18:36Er, well, sometimes he does and sometimes he...
18:39Ah.
18:40Yes, he is.
18:42Damn fools, all of them, the people at the town hall.
18:45Ah.
18:46So he didn't need planning permission then?
18:48No, he didn't.
18:49Have you had lunch?
18:51What?
18:51Oh, yes, I had a sandwich in the office.
18:54As far as they're concerned, he can keep pigeons till the cows come home.
18:57Or cows till the pigeons come home.
18:59They don't care.
19:00You could eat one for dinner.
19:02Yeah.
19:04Non-interfering busybodies, the lot of them.
19:07Eat one what for dinner?
19:08One of your hats.
19:10You said you would.
19:12Oh, yes.
19:12You said...
19:14You thought your fishing hat would be best.
19:16Lightly battered with a nice white wine and some tartar sauce.
19:23Well, there's several reasons why the canary, Serenius canarius, can go off its food.
19:29It could be because it's broody or molting.
19:33But in this case, I suggest that this bird isn't eating because it's dead.
19:41Hello?
19:42Hello, my name's Roper.
19:44I bought a couple of pigeons off you on Saturday.
19:46Oh, yes.
19:47Have they settled down then?
19:49Well, they may have done, but I don't know where they are.
19:52I released them three hours ago and they haven't come back.
19:54But you've only had them two days.
19:56Yeah, but you said...
19:57I said that you should have them for two weeks.
20:00I mean, it takes all that time for them to settle in.
20:02There, there, there.
20:04How can I get them back?
20:06Oh.
20:06Well, you could put an advertisement in the Pigeon Breeders Gazette.
20:12Well, do they read it?
20:15The pigeons don't, but the breeders do.
20:19Well, maybe one of them will come across your bird eventually.
20:22Eventually?
20:23Oh, forget it.
20:26Isn't it marvellous?
20:27Does that mean I can have my bedroom carpet back?
20:30Such a sad business.
20:32I can see that you're a real bird lover.
20:34Now, how do you feel about keeping Colombia, Libya?
20:37Homing pigeons.
20:39I breed them myself.
20:42Got a nice pair here of mated fancies.
20:46Guaranteed to come home in two days.
20:48I've been a bit whimsical about their names.
20:51Liz and Phil.
20:54Gets.
20:54Gets.
20:56Side plate.
21:05Um.
21:06Salt and pepper.
21:09I've set the table.
21:10Yes, I've never seen you so helpful.
21:12Should I go and get him now?
21:13All right, I'll go and get it out the oven.
21:15Okay.
21:17Dinner!
21:19And keep your face straight.
21:22I'll try.
21:24Good, good.
21:26What are we having?
21:27I'm starving.
21:28Me and Mum are having omelettes.
21:29And you're having a special treat.
21:33Now, I did think of making you a Homburg hamburger, but this seemed better.
21:38What is it?
21:40Cloth cap pie.
21:43I used to roll gardening cap in the blender, marinated it in herbs and garlic.
21:47You're not...
21:48You're not serious?
21:50You said you'd eat it.
21:52You said.
21:54But I don't like garlic.
21:55You said.
21:57You ate.
22:00Cloth cap pie.
22:01Uh-huh.
22:02Did you wash the cap first?
22:03Oh, yes.
22:04I always do when I'm making pies out of them.
22:06Right.
22:20It tastes like...
22:21Like beef.
22:23It is beef.
22:26She should have seen your face.
22:31Never say things you don't mean.
22:33No.
22:42George!
22:44George!
22:45George!
22:45I've just been out front.
22:46And look what I found.
22:48Swimming along in the gutter.
22:50What?
22:50Well, it's your goldfish.
22:52I don't know how it happened, but, I mean, there he was.
22:55I'm not as daft as I look, Mildred.
22:58That's not Moby.
22:59I know him anywhere.
23:01No?
23:02No, it's not.
23:04But, well, you were so upset, I thought I'd get you another one.
23:08A sort of Moby 2.
23:11It's a nice sort.
23:13Where'd you get him?
23:14Oh, we're from the Ragaburr Man outside.
23:17You're not a bad old stick sometimes, are you?
23:20Well.
23:21Yeah.
23:22He's quite nice, isn't he?
23:23Yeah.
23:25Yeah.
23:26He's soon settled in, I suppose.
23:28Yeah.
23:29Hello, Moby 2.
23:32I'll tell you what, I'll eat some of that Californian salad of yours.
23:34How's that?
23:35Oh, will you really?
23:36Yeah, as long as you take out the currants.
23:37Yes.
23:38Oh, yeah, and the bacon and nuts and the lettuce.
23:40And don't put any pink stuff on.
23:42That only leaves a cucumber.
23:44Yeah, I'm not too fond of cucumber.
23:47Well, leave it, George.
23:48Right.
23:49Uh, what'd you give him for the goldfish?
23:51Who?
23:52Well, a Ragaburr Man.
23:54Er, oh, nothing really.
23:56Well, you must have given him something.
23:57Well, er, I just gave him your, um, your motorbike.
24:02Oh.
24:03What?
24:05Oi!
24:10Oi!
24:10Yeah, you can't take that away.
24:13That's my...
24:14Never mind, don't you?
24:16Thank you, fella, Penny.
24:17We've got this, didn't we?
24:17Oh, well.
24:18It was worth a try.
24:22Hey, boy!
24:23What?
24:28Hey, brother!
24:32Hey, brother!
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