- 2 days ago
First broadcast 30th November 1978.
Mildred wants a new bathroom shower but the professionals' quotes are too pricey for penny-pinching George.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Baby Tarquin
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Cass Allen - Mrs. Armitage
Peggy Ann Clifford - Miss Ware (as Peggyann Clifford)
Mildred wants a new bathroom shower but the professionals' quotes are too pricey for penny-pinching George.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Simon Lloyd - Baby Tarquin
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Cass Allen - Mrs. Armitage
Peggy Ann Clifford - Miss Ware (as Peggyann Clifford)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:37yeah yeah i think it quite suit me makes me look sort of distinguished a bit like jimmy hill
00:44george have you seen my book of exercises oh no no no hey mildred give me an honest answer
00:48does it suit me does what suit you what a beard what beard oh no it's silly really
00:56you have to look in the mirror to see it properly see that that's right now come on stand up
01:02right
01:02oh that's good coming from you all right now then what do you think it doesn't suit me george
01:09not you me i'm thinking of growing a beard oh that's a good idea give me something to get a
01:15hold
01:15of i've changed my mind oh look george it took you 10 years to grow a moustache for the first
01:22two i
01:23thought it was a rash yeah he's been off and thought i look like burt reynolds oh yeah who
01:28thought that yeah well i did actually what are you looking for uh my uh my book you know for
01:34my keep
01:34thick glasses oh it's dark all that exercising look george you have to exercise every part of the body
01:40regularly otherwise it won't stay firm
01:48um any questions
01:52i'll get exercise i've got me bike that's a it's a motorbike yeah well i have to push it a
01:58lot
01:58yeah well at least i can touch my toes george which is more than you can do
02:03i can touch your toes if i want to but i don't last time you went all frisky
02:09i remember what happened yeah so do i pajama buttons popping off like bullets oh
02:15i lent it to anne next door what my keep fit book
02:23all right all right oh
02:30good morning mrs roper uh oh i hope i'm not interrupting anything no i had to climb down
02:37the ladder to answer the front door anyway oh good i'm just uh sticking ceiling tiles in the kitchen
02:42ah on the ceiling it seemed best yeah could i have a word with anne uh yes of course um
02:50would you
02:50like to go to the bathroom not at the moment no well she's up there bathing the baby oh oh
02:57yes lovely
03:02is this belly button where he was joined to you yes it doesn't look long enough oh well it was
03:09a bit
03:10longer is everyone decent oh hello mildred come on in it's just i called in to see the oh look
03:19at that
03:19little thing which little thing oh isn't he sweet who's got a fat little tummy then i think i'll have
03:31my bath later excuse me he doesn't like getting undressed in front of women no george is the same
03:44actually i was gonna pop in on you later return the keep fit book oh that's what i call roundabout
03:49it's um it's mainly exercise seven if i don't get it in the right order i end up looking like
03:54spaghetti
03:54junction i tried that and split my types oh yes oh isn't this a lovely bathroom haven't you seen it
04:04before no no i haven't oh you've got a proper shower as well all tiled oh may i uh have
04:12you got time
04:13have a look oh jeffrey installed it when we first moved in oh it's lovely oh you can almost get
04:21two
04:21people in here yes you can place these pictures of raquel welsh in order in order to what
04:35what are you laughing at but i just made a joke no what was it hey oh well it says
04:41here place these
04:42pictures of raquel welsh in order see in order to what yeah that's it you baffle me sometimes george
04:51here listen mr formyle is very good with his hands why what's he been doing to you he has fitted
04:58a
04:59shower i mean a fully tiled shower in their bathroom and just like the one i have now decided
05:05i've always wanted oh no i'm not a do-it-yourself man no i'm not anyway i don't like showers
05:12you can't
05:13read the paper oh george i mean look just think of it you get up in the morning you step
05:18in you have a
05:19brisk tingling fresh cold shower like brushing your teeth all over one thing i do not need is a cold
05:27shower i'll go along with that you're never satisfied mildred you've got a fancy bath matching
05:33sink and bog when i was a lad all we had was a tin bath that's all i know you've
05:42still got it in the
05:43garage we used to take it off the backyard wall bang it on the bottom to get rid of the
05:48spiders
05:50drag it in front of fire a big block of carbonic pipe cleaners get rid of the wax
05:56seven kids one after the other all using the same water oh they were the good days no they weren't
06:02i
06:02was always last i was dirty again george are you gonna fit this shower for me or are you not
06:09well
06:09i can't well all right then then you can go around to one of the local builders and who can
06:14do it for you
06:14and get the estimates tomorrow oh all right oh i'll tell you what what well we've got a watering can
06:19yeah well next time you want to bark i'll come upstairs and pour it all out you will not
06:24that's it a very last one
06:32quite isn't that a superb job yes you say the nicest things oh i can see why you were working
06:40so fast you're running out of glue yes i was actually had to keep thinning it down with tap water
06:44still smells strong
06:54one and two and one and two and is that you george hello
07:02hello right and one and two and three and four and one hey you want to be careful you'll be
07:09taking
07:09off oh did you get the estimates well yeah i went around a few shops during my lunch break here
07:14used to see their faces turn white when i walk in in this uniform
07:18yes george there you are there we are right now oh let's have a look at this lot now to
07:24fitting a
07:25shower cubicle plumbing tiling and making good 398 pounds yep plus 800 v80
07:35that's eight percent oh yeah oh yeah
07:40anyway we can't afford them well no george but perhaps the second one will be
07:46412 yeah the uh the last one's a bit cheaper well i mean even so we can't put
07:51it's 57 pounds 20. trans world intercontinental plumbing
07:58why is it so cheap george well it's a special price mildred on account of being a friend of mine
08:03oh no all right gerry you come in now evening mrs ice all the pleasure to see your happy welcoming
08:11smile
08:11get him out of it we can't afford anyone else hey gerry gerry no look come and sit down
08:20you are trans world intercontinental plumbing
08:24well me and young rangy actually but you can't have him oh no he's got a contract fit a door
08:30handle in
08:31new malden
08:34jerry uh do you uh do you want a cup of tea oh tar no ice just a splash of
08:37soda
08:38i don't want to waste your time mrs r but what is time to you young people hey
08:46have a look at that hey i could do you a nice hollywood style shower as seen his psycho or
08:54you the one that put our letter box in back to front yeah clerical error there yeah the postman
09:01had to come into the hall to push the letters through
09:04or there's this one identical to the one i fitted in glenda jackson's bathroom oh yes well i mean
09:09the pictures are very nice but glenda jackson whoops i've broken the cardinal rule i don't usually
09:18disclose the identity of my client so tired george you mustn't tell her oh you can rely on us gerry
09:23are you telling me you can fix this for 57 pounds 20 absolutely plus extras of course what extras well
09:31you'll want a shower head and a knob to turn it on and off won't you how much the lot
09:36ah well let's see
09:37now oh same again george
09:39uh there'll be uh 20 break horsepower to the gallon allowing for conversion to fahrenheit
09:50from kilograms uh uh say 12.2 percent plus of course the fiscal drift in the european snake um
09:57well it runs out about 99 pounds 99 and a half pence yeah that's under 100 quid mildred yes joe
10:03we
10:03can't afford anyone else now look if ah and i only say if i let you do this job for
10:09us when can you
10:11start tricky tricky one that it's swamped at the moment you see i think glenda's spreading the word
10:21you know um how about tomorrow morning
10:29well i'll stay up this time well third time lucky yes
10:35what do you suppose they're doing next door i don't know perhaps she's banging her head against
10:40the wall and who could blame her do you want a cup of tea no thanks i've got upstairs and
10:45change
10:47come in mrs roper you'll have to excuse me i'm going upstairs there's something i said i don't
10:54think so mildred you didn't say anything oh no oh good uh i really came in to apologize for the
11:00noise
11:00next door oh we didn't notice oh it's just that they're they're fitting my new shower exactly like
11:07that one oh very nice does the naked man come with it no i'm afraid not no no no actually
11:15it's
11:15a woman yeah george drew in the moustache and the beard and the
11:27must be here somewhere are you sure you know what you're doing jerry of course i do
11:31i'm conducting a scientific search for the down pipe
11:39how will you recognize it when you find it well it's a pipe george it goes down
11:49how will you know what i mean they must have buried them deep
12:07how are you
12:07i think
13:00There we are.
13:02A bit of real British craftsmanship, that.
13:04I don't think Mildred like you grouting with her toothbrush.
13:08Well, we won't tell her, will we?
13:11Now, I've taken a spur off the main dampipe, George,
13:15but you must allow time for the chewing gum to harden.
13:18Chewing gum?
13:19A technical jargon, George, you wouldn't understand.
13:21But what I'm saying is,
13:23the water in the bathroom must stay off until it's finished.
13:26Oi, that's my flannel.
13:28Oh, I'm sorry.
13:30Use this, it's Mildred's.
13:31Oh, sorry.
13:35He was a bit stroppy the other day, him next door, eh?
13:38Yeah, well, he had cause to be, Jerry.
13:40Yeah, but, I mean, squirting bardydars through the hole, I mean...
13:45Childish, and the language.
13:46Yeah, hey, when do you reckon you'd be finished?
13:48Oh, just as soon as the shower head and control unit arrived.
13:52Arrive? From where?
13:56Korea?
13:57Korea?
13:59Why did you get them from Korea?
14:01I mean, you could get shower heads round the corner.
14:06Not to fit Korean copper pipes, you can't.
14:10Different gauge, you know.
14:11And why did you fit Korean copper pipes?
14:14Well, I had them in the yard, you see.
14:16Cheap consignment.
14:18Fell off the back of a rickshaw.
14:21So, when can I have a shower?
14:23Well, in days rather than weeks, Mrs. R.
14:25I've been in touch with the suppliers,
14:26and the fittings are already halfway down the Ho Chi Minh Trail.
14:31That's Vietnam!
14:32A longer route, but prettier, you see.
14:34Oh.
14:35There we are, there.
14:36Why?
14:37Why did I let you persuade me to use him?
14:40I mean...
14:41Well, I never learn.
14:43Well, you mustn't blame yourself, Mildred.
14:47He calls himself a handyman.
14:48He couldn't put up an umbrella.
14:50Yeah, well, I'll just be off now, then.
14:52You stay there.
14:53Right.
14:54You are going...
14:55Right.
14:56Ah, to the nearest ironmonger.
14:59And you will get me a shower head that fits.
15:02And you will have it here within 24 hours.
15:05Might take some time.
15:06I don't care if it takes all week, 24 hours.
15:09Right.
15:11I mean, you could sharpen pencils with that tongue, couldn't you?
15:15You should do as I do, Gerry, wasn't it?
15:16Well, stand up to her.
15:17Oh, yeah.
15:18Have you seen Gerry off, my love?
15:20Yeah.
15:22All right.
15:23There we go.
15:25Oh.
15:26Hello, son.
15:27This is a bill for the repairs and the retiling of my bathroom wall.
15:31Oh, yeah, right.
15:3350 quid?
15:34Oh, I could have done it for half that.
15:36Excuse me.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Aren't you insured against this sort of thing?
15:40My insurance does not cover natural disasters, such as yourself.
15:44Oh.
15:45Dull.
15:45Well, oh, it's all true.
15:47Oh, I don't know.
15:50Oh, dear.
15:51That's a bit steep.
15:52It's a wonder he didn't charge us for the squirt of baddie-dars.
15:55I am now going to my keep fit class, George.
15:58Oh, yeah?
15:59Jolly hockey sticks.
16:02Don't sit down.
16:03Huh?
16:03You are filthy.
16:05Well, I can't stand up for the rest of me life.
16:07Well, go and have a bath.
16:09Get changed.
16:10There's no water in the bathroom.
16:11Well, carry some up, George.
16:13I mean, you're not helpless.
16:14Oh, it'll be like the good old days.
16:17Yeah.
16:22Nobody likes me, Moby, except you.
16:25Hey, do you want a drop of tea?
16:28No, perhaps not.
16:34There we are.
16:36Nothing like the old tin bar, eh?
16:39Right, well, I think we'll have a bit more of this.
16:42Fem phone brings your skin alive with the zest of a Nordic waterfall.
16:48Smell like a Turkish cat house.
17:16Oh, come on.
17:26Oh, come on, Percy.
17:31Do come in, dears.
17:33You're sure I love you.
17:35Oh, you too.
17:36You have to take your seat.
17:39Yes.
17:41Oh, my God.
17:44Yes, it's good.
17:47After all that exercise.
17:49And a few fattening bean cakes.
17:54What we made is go through to keep our figures.
17:59Do go through.
18:09Just go and pop the kettle on.
18:11Oh, do sit down, dears.
18:12Oh, there we are.
18:16Oh.
18:20I think George must be bathing the dog.
18:24Oh, that's a quiet.
18:26I'll just go and tell him to move it.
18:29Excuse me.
18:30George!
18:37I, um, I haven't met Mr. Roper yet.
18:40Oh, we see rather a lot of him.
18:44Isn't he our traffic warden?
18:46Yes.
18:47Not my favourite kind of person, I must admit.
18:50They always seem to pop up when you least expect...
18:56Is it him very large, Bob, they have?
18:59Not really.
19:00Is he your key?
19:02They certainly do him proud.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, my God.
19:11Oh, my God.
19:11Oh, my God.
19:11Good afternoon, ladies.
19:13Good afternoon.
19:15What?
19:17Uh...
19:17This is Mr. Roper.
19:19Oh, my God.
19:22Oh, my God.
19:22Oh, my God.
19:22What do you do?
19:23Oh, very nicely, thank you.
19:26It's, uh...
19:27It's warm weather for the time of year, isn't it?
19:30Yes.
19:31They, uh...
19:32They say we're going to have some rain.
19:33Oh, yeah.
19:34Oh, yes.
19:35Very good for the garden, yes.
19:36Here we are then.
19:38Now, I told you we wouldn't say...
19:40Don't!
19:40Oh, thank you.
19:41I'm just, uh...
19:43Oh, thank you.
19:43Hi, Sir.
19:43Hi, Sir.
19:43Hi, Sir.
19:43Hi, Sir.
19:43Hi, Sir.
19:44Oh, er...
19:46Oh, er...
19:47Oh, er...
19:47Oh, er...
19:48Oh, er...
19:48Oh, er...
19:48No, I won't say thanks.
19:49Er...
19:49Oh, er...
19:50Oh, er...
19:51Oh, er...
19:51Oh, er...
19:52Very nice of you to come.
19:54Er...
19:55Do this before the game, any time you'd like to.
19:57I thought...
20:03Um, any one for a sponge finger?
20:09Full trade price I had to pay for this thing.
20:12Full trade price.
20:14Luckily, they didn't know me.
20:16Took a check.
20:18Yeah, well, it's a good-looking job, Gerry.
20:20You think it's been done by a professional?
20:24Yeah, yeah.
20:25Well, that's it. All finished.
20:27Right, well, I'll just go and tell Mildred she'd like to try it out.
20:29Right.
20:30She's not likely to take her clothes off, is she?
20:33Well, I shouldn't think so.
20:34Only I've not long had lunch.
20:40No, it's finished, Mildred.
20:43I know it is.
20:44My social life, all finished.
20:47Well, you're not still on about yesterday, are you?
20:49Well, I mean, they didn't see much.
20:51No, they didn't.
20:55I mean, you could have stayed under the water, George.
20:58They're only here for half an hour.
21:02Right, I tell you what, come and see the shower.
21:04It'll cheer you up.
21:04Oh, I can never go to the kick-fit class again, George.
21:08Now they've seen you, they'll wonder why I'm keeping fit for.
21:15Ah, you're just in time, Mrs. Hart.
21:17The water's turned on, all systems go.
21:21What do you think?
21:22There's something very strange here.
21:25What?
21:25I can't see anything wrong with it.
21:27I mean, it looks all right.
21:30There's a year's guarantee goes with it.
21:32If anything goes wrong, I guarantee to put it right within a year.
21:38I'll go further.
21:39It looks good.
21:41Does it work?
21:42Oh, ye of little faith.
21:45Watch this.
21:48The babysitter's arrived, the taxi's here, and I'm ready.
21:51All right, Anne, the curtain doesn't go up till eight o'clock.
21:54I've got plenty of time for a drink, and then we can go next up.
22:02Anne?
22:03Anne?
22:04Anne?
22:05Yes?
22:06The shower just went on and off, all by itself.
22:11Have you been at the sherry, Geoffrey?
22:14It doesn't seem to be working.
22:17Well, not in the sense that there's water coming out, no.
22:22Perhaps it takes some time to work through the pipes.
22:24Well, where is it coming from?
22:26Korea?
22:29It did.
22:29It went on all by itself.
22:32Oh, Geoffrey.
22:33Look, it did.
22:35And now it's not working at all.
22:37Look, I'm turning it on and nothing.
22:38You are the most useless man I've ever met.
22:43Oh, it's working.
22:45Well, of course it is.
22:48Blimey, for a moment there, I thought I'd plumb it into next doors.
22:55It's stopped.
22:56Yeah, well, you just turn it on or off or whatever again.
23:02Not a drop.
23:04You know, there's something wrong here, Anne.
23:07And you know who I blame?
23:08Mr. Roper.
23:11Mr. Roper.
23:11Oh!
23:12Oh!
23:12No, no, no, no, no.
23:17Oh!
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