- 11 minutes ago
First broadcast 27th December 1978.
Having had an extremely boring and non-eventful Christmas Day, George and Mildred spend next day with the Fourmiles where George and Jeffrey become addicted to Tristram's present, a video game.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Gretchen Franklin - Mother
Having had an extremely boring and non-eventful Christmas Day, George and Mildred spend next day with the Fourmiles where George and Jeffrey become addicted to Tristram's present, a video game.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Gretchen Franklin - Mother
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00?
00:04?
00:05?
00:05?
00:05?
00:05?
00:08?
00:08?
01:06Shall we pull another cracker?
01:10What for?
01:11They've only got paper act in them.
01:14I'm wearing two already.
01:19Yeah.
01:20One of them had a lucky charm in.
01:22I know.
01:23It flew up and hit me right in the eye.
01:27It worked, though.
01:28What do you mean?
01:29Well, lucky it wasn't my eye.
01:35I'll give the telly another thump.
01:37Oh, you might as well.
01:38It'll pass the time.
01:39See if I can get it working again.
01:41Look, the tube's gone.
01:43We've had it on morning, noon and night for the last week.
01:45Yeah.
01:46I left a bottle of Wink Harness on the top.
01:48It boiled.
01:51We won't be able to see Andy Stewart letting in the new year.
01:55There's always a bright side.
02:00I see the last needle's fallen off the tree.
02:04Well, what do you expect of your bite in October?
02:09Well, it was cheaper.
02:11Wednesday, December the 27th.
02:14Do you think the turkey would be unfrozen yet?
02:16I doubt it.
02:18Well, it's a bit off, isn't it?
02:19Having cheese sandwiches for Christmas dinner.
02:22I feel a miserable Christmas all round.
02:25I mean, I haven't seen a living soul for the whole holiday.
02:28Well, you've seen me.
02:29Not a living soul.
02:35Cheers.
02:36Cheers.
02:38Oh, it's nice to be on our own for a change.
02:41I didn't realise we had so many relatives.
02:43They've probably been breeding since last year.
02:46Do you know we've had 62 people through this house this Christmas?
02:49Well, 62 and a half if you include your Aunt Mary.
02:52What?
02:52Well, she's not all there, is she?
02:54I mean, she gave me an Easter egg and wished me a happy birthday.
02:57It has been busy.
02:58Yeah, that bell hasn't stopped ringing.
03:01Next Christmas, I'm going to fit revolving doors.
03:03I'll tell you who we haven't had round.
03:04Mildred and Mr. Roper.
03:06I'll drink to that.
03:07I meant to, but we've been so busy.
03:09We couldn't have got them in without a shoehorn.
03:11Oh, I'm sure they can visit plenty of their own sort.
03:15I had hoped that Ethel and Huffrey might drop in.
03:18I mean, she said they might.
03:20Said nothing more interesting to do.
03:22It's a poor lookout when even your sister would have been welcome.
03:26Yeah.
03:27Should we play a game of charades?
03:28No, I can't be bothered.
03:29Play on your own.
03:30Oh, George.
03:31Come on, we've got to liven ourselves up.
03:34Now, look.
03:35What's this?
03:36Look, look.
03:38Oh, I don't know.
03:40Not do I, but here's another one coming back the other one.
03:44Oh, you're getting silly now, Mildred.
03:46Oh, come on.
03:47We can't sit here feeling sorry for ourselves.
03:50Look, I'll tell you what.
03:51Why don't we go and visit my mother?
03:52Oh, God, you are desperate.
03:55No, I don't want to go, Mildred.
03:57I mean, being with her is the same as being alone.
03:59Only there's an extra person around.
04:02Look, George, we're sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves.
04:06And that's that poor old lady.
04:07I mean, she's sitting there all alone.
04:09She'll be glad of the company.
04:11Oh, hello, Mother.
04:14What did you say?
04:16Yes, it's me, Mother.
04:18Mildred!
04:19Oh, you'll have to speak up, dear.
04:23Oh, just a minute.
04:27Oh, just a minute.
04:32That's better.
04:33Yeah, I've got 20 members of the Derby and Joan Club round.
04:37Oh, I can hardly hear myself think.
04:40Oh, yeah?
04:41Well, that's nice.
04:43Yes, very friendly lot.
04:45You ought to join.
04:49Yes, well, um, I'll keep it in mind here.
04:53Now, um, what sort of Christmas did you have?
04:56Well, you know what it's like down here.
04:58In and out of each other's houses.
05:01Oh, I've almost lost track of which one to go to bed in.
05:07Oh, Marys, leave him alone.
05:12You don't know where he's been.
05:16Well, now, how's your Humphrey?
05:19He's George, Mother.
05:21Oh, dear, I am sorry.
05:24It's probably the weather.
05:26Yes, well, now, um, Mother, it sounds, uh, fairly lively, your end.
05:32We had the police come here one o'clock this morning.
05:36What?
05:37Yes, they're still here.
05:39Well, we couldn't send them back to the station, the state there is.
05:45Oh, oh, you little cradle, Sasha.
05:49Oh, here, I've got to go now.
05:53Thanks for calling, Ethel.
05:55Bye.
05:56Oh, I want to be Bobby's.
06:01Yes.
06:02Well, bye-bye, Mother.
06:05Yeah.
06:0674 years old.
06:07She's having a better time than I am.
06:09What are you doing?
06:11Those presents are for Ethel and Humphrey.
06:13Well, they didn't come, did they?
06:14Have a chocolate.
06:15Look, George, that, that is hardly the seasonal spirit.
06:19I mean, I think you, yeah, you're right to hell with them.
06:22People shouldn't say they're going to come if they don't mean it.
06:24All right.
06:26Oh.
06:27Oh.
06:28I'll get it, I'll get it.
06:29Oh, God.
06:34Oh, that's lovely, love.
06:36Come on in.
06:38There you go.
06:39It's Anne.
06:40What?
06:41Oh, sure.
06:42I'm sorry I haven't been around, but we've been swept off our feet.
06:46Oh, it's been the same with us, dear.
06:48Never a dull moment.
06:51I was wondering, well, Geoffrey and I were wondering,
06:53if you'd like to come around for a pre-lunch drink?
06:56Oh, I'd...
06:57Yeah, that's a good idea.
06:58All right, thank you.
07:0514-0.
07:06Come on, son, make a fight of it.
07:07I'm doing my best.
07:09Ah, 15-0.
07:12Do you fancy another game?
07:14No, thank you.
07:15You always win.
07:16Come on, sir.
07:18I'll get you a drink.
07:19Geoffrey?
07:22Hello, Mrs Roper.
07:23Hello, dear.
07:24Mr Roper.
07:25Oh, morning, son.
07:27Would you like a punch?
07:29Oh, I'll have a Scotch.
07:31Oh, well, what's all this, then?
07:34It's electronic tennis.
07:35Oh, yeah.
07:36I've seen this on Bruce What's Name's Big Night.
07:43No, it's done by hand.
07:44That's a switch.
07:45Oh, oh, come on.
07:46Did you get any nice presents for Christmas?
07:48Oh, you know, George brought me a new sander for his power drill.
07:51Oh.
07:52Well, you gave me a frilly nightie.
07:53Yeah, well, it was the only way I could ever get one.
07:55How did you do it?
07:56Oh, Geoffrey bought me one of those new mixers.
07:58It does everything but eat the food for you.
08:00Oh, I know I've seen them advertised.
08:02Are they as good as they say?
08:04I'll know when he gets round to putting a plug on.
08:08All right, Anne.
08:08I only have to be told ten times.
08:10Can I go and have a look at it?
08:11Yes, come on.
08:12Bring the drink.
08:13Yeah.
08:14This is one of your presents, is it?
08:16Yes.
08:17Would you like a game?
08:18Yeah, I don't mind.
08:20Yeah, I'll tell you what.
08:20Make it more interesting.
08:22Why don't we play for, say, 5p?
08:25All right.
08:29It's time you learned to do this for yourself, you know, Anne.
08:31And then what will you do when I've gone?
08:33If you don't change those wires over,
08:35you'll be going sooner than you think.
08:38Oh, I've always wanted a proper mixer.
08:41It's not the same tying a spoon onto George's power drill.
08:47Ah, that's 14 each.
08:49So it's all down to this point.
08:51Oh, there it is.
08:53Ah, got it!
08:53A one!
08:54We are the champions!
08:56Hey, that's 5p, you owe me.
08:58What?
08:595p.
09:00We had a bet.
09:02And I lost.
09:03Good game, good game.
09:05You're not really going to take his pocket, Anne.
09:08Not at Christmas time.
09:09Oh, a bet's a bet.
09:10You've got to pay your debts.
09:12I see.
09:13Tristram, come play upstairs.
09:17But...
09:22But the baby's asleep.
09:24Then play quietly.
09:26And don't worry about your money.
09:27I'll win it back with interest.
09:38Yeah, it's a good game, that, isn't it?
09:39A lot of skill involved.
09:40Mm-hmm.
09:41Do you, uh...
09:42fancy your chances against me?
09:44What?
09:44Oh, yeah, all right.
09:46I warn you, I'm pretty good.
09:47Uh-huh.
09:48Shall we have a little side bet, say, um, a pound?
09:51Oh, all right, you're on.
09:52A quid.
09:54Are you ready?
09:54Yeah.
09:55All right.
09:58One nil.
09:58Oh, I wasn't ready, was I?
10:02It shreds, grates, peels, slices and mixes.
10:05Well, it's certainly got a lot of buttons.
10:07Mm, I'm scared to press the red one.
10:09I have a feeling the kitchen will blast off.
10:11Never.
10:12Yeah.
10:13Hi, I've got one.
10:13I've got one.
10:14So you did.
10:15So it's 14-1.
10:18Oops, I tell a lie.
10:1915-1.
10:20That was offside.
10:21You can't have offside in tennis.
10:23That's a pound, you know.
10:25How about double or quits?
10:27All right.
10:27Shall we try the first game?
10:28Yeah, why not?
10:31Ready, and...
10:32Go.
10:33Right.
10:33Oh, hey, just a minute.
10:35Got a glass through.
10:36Oh, cut here.
10:37Hang on.
10:38No, hey.
10:39Hey, no, wait a minute.
10:40That's a foul.
10:40That's a foul.
10:41Hey, stop.
10:42Got a glass through.
10:42Hey, hey, cover.
10:44No, no, no, no, no.
10:45Let's not have any Nostasi tantrums.
10:47Yeah, but you can't.
10:47I've not got a glass.
10:49Truth.
10:5015-0.
10:51That's two pounds, you owe me.
10:52Yeah, there's something wrong with my controls.
10:54Well, take mine.
10:55Oh, all right, yeah.
10:56Double or quits again?
10:58If you insist.
11:02Microwave ovens, 15 pounds off.
11:05Yep, freezers, 20 pounds off.
11:08God, what a money I could save if I had any to start with.
11:12Last year, I queued all night in the Harrods sale, and it was raining.
11:16Oh, did you get anything interesting?
11:17Mm, a set of saucepans and flu.
11:19Oh, come on, let's join the boys.
11:21Right.
11:24Ready for coffee, you two?
11:25What?
11:26Oh, no, that last one shouldn't count.
11:28She distracted me.
11:29She distracted me as well.
11:31Oh, that's yet another game I've won.
11:33Oh.
11:34You're right.
11:34There is a lot of skill in it.
11:35Well, not all that amount of skill.
11:37I've scored some of the points against myself.
11:38Yeah, still keep going.
11:39Now, George, if you can't play nicely, don't play at all.
11:43Double or quits again.
11:44Right.
11:46And go.
11:48Mr. Fulmire, how do you play this game?
11:50Oh, well, you see, when I get the ball past his bat, then I score a point.
11:54Oh, like you just done now?
11:55That's right, yes.
11:57There goes another one.
11:58Oh, yes.
11:59Isn't George allowed to hit it back?
12:02Do you mind?
12:03How can I concentrate with you wrapping it in my ear, Rob?
12:05All right, all right.
12:08They're like little kids, Mildred.
12:14Oh, no, not more visitors.
12:16Oh, it's my sister.
12:21George, it's Ethel and Humphrey.
12:23They've arrived.
12:24Oh, girl, that's all I needed.
12:27Is he the one you call the awful king of Ockshot?
12:30Yes, love.
12:31Well, haven't you met them?
12:32Oh, come round and say hello.
12:34I might as well.
12:35Right.
12:35I'm not going to get any conversation out of these two.
12:37Your coffee's here.
12:41Right.
12:42Oh, I'll send him back when I've won.
12:45Shouldn't take too long.
12:48Ha!
12:48Ha!
12:48Ha!
12:50Oh, well, well, well, well, well, well.
13:01Uh, Mr. Roper, the game's over.
13:04I've won.
13:05Oh, yeah.
13:07Well, double or quits again.
13:08Well, do you think that's wise?
13:09I mean, you have done it several times, and it does soon mount up.
13:12How much do I owe you?
13:14£128.
13:47Oh, sorry, I appear to have won again.
13:50Hey, I've just remembered. I'm in your house. The way goals count as double.
13:56If you doubled your score, you'd still lose.
13:58Oh, well, same again.
14:00Mr. Roper, you have guests next door. Shouldn't you be there entertaining them?
14:04Or at least be with them?
14:06I don't want to be with them. They're boring people. Know what I mean?
14:08Oh, I do. By God, I do.
14:11Yeah, what? Double or nothing.
14:19So, you live in a sweet little house just like this one?
14:24Er, yes.
14:26It must be nice living cheek by jowl with your neighbours.
14:30Ours are over an acre away.
14:33Oh, you have big views, then?
14:35Yeah, it's called her mouth.
14:38All right, Mildred, thank you. I'll stick with the scotch.
14:41Oh, yes. Yes, all right then, dear.
14:44Um, Ethel?
14:44Is it the one we brought?
14:47Yes.
14:47Then I will.
14:49Still, they're cosy, and I expect you can do wonders with them if you've got decent furniture.
14:56Yes.
14:57Not for me, thanks, Mildred.
14:59I, er, I must take the step or two home, put the lunch on in my tiny kitchen.
15:04Yes, love.
15:05Oh, will you send George home, please?
15:07Bit by bit, if necessary.
15:09Of course.
15:10All right.
15:10Bye.
15:11Bye-bye.
15:12Right.
15:14Well, she seemed a nice young woman.
15:17Let's not have any smutty talk at Christmas, Humphrey.
15:22Oh, just look at their tree.
15:24It's completely bare.
15:26Well, I'll put some clothes on it, then.
15:30Well, well, well.
15:32Now, isn't this nice?
15:35Now, I expect you want to tell me what Humphrey bought you for Christmas?
15:38No.
15:40No?
15:41Well, I would, but I couldn't sail it down the street.
15:46It's a four-birth...
15:47Ethel.
15:48...cabin cruiser.
15:50Yeah, well, it's, er, it's more of a company boat, you know.
15:54The MV Tax Fiddle.
15:56Well, it's very nice.
15:58I always say there's nothing like messing about on luxury cruisers.
16:02Yes.
16:04Oh, is that you sunbathing on the deck?
16:06Oh, no.
16:08It's the anchor.
16:16Oh, truth, you've done it again.
16:18Talk about luck.
16:19You've played this game before.
16:21I feel as if I've been playing it forever.
16:24Huh?
16:24Mildred wants you home right away.
16:26Good old Mildred.
16:27Yeah, er, what about one last game?
16:29And she said something about guts and garters.
16:31Oh, yeah, it was.
16:33Oh, how about this afternoon, then?
16:35Well...
16:36Oh, come on, son.
16:37You've got to give me a chance.
16:37Be fair.
16:38Well, er...
16:39I'll tell you what.
16:40I'll give you an I owe you till we play again.
16:42How's that?
16:43You two haven't been playing for money, have you?
16:45Oh, er, just a little.
16:46It makes the game more interesting.
16:47I'll be back as soon as I can.
16:48Oh, I'll see you later.
16:50How much does he owe you?
16:51Well, he has been doubling up and he has lost 16 games.
16:55How much?
16:5845,568 pounds.
17:03So, er, then we had a drink and we turned the lights up on our tree.
17:08Hmm, I believe half of Oxshot went dim.
17:11Well, dim lighting's always suited you, dear.
17:15Yeah.
17:17But Christmas isn't only about enjoying yourself,
17:20so we thought we'd pop round and see you.
17:23Great.
17:25Oh, hello, George.
17:26Oh, yeah, likewise.
17:28And, er, merry what's name.
17:30Oh, yes, well.
17:32And, er, happy new, er, doodal.
17:34Oh, it's all go, isn't it?
17:36I expect you must be getting fed up with visitors.
17:38Yes, I'm a little bit, yes.
17:41Now, we're all here.
17:43It's prezzy time!
17:45What?
17:46Now, there's one for you.
17:47Oh, thank you.
17:48And there's one for you.
17:50Oh, well.
17:51Oh, go on, open them up.
17:52They're only amusing trifles.
17:54Oh, it's very nice of you to think...
17:56A pipe.
17:58Earrings.
17:59Oh, no, you've got those the wrong way round.
18:01Now, wait a minute.
18:01No, give me that.
18:02Give me that.
18:02That's yours.
18:03You have those.
18:03And I'll have those.
18:04Oh, look at them.
18:06They're rather large, but you've got the ears to take them.
18:12Yes, dear.
18:12Well, they're lovely.
18:14They're antique.
18:15Well, quite old.
18:16Yeah.
18:17I shall think of you every time I wear them.
18:20Oh, dear.
18:21You're going to laugh at this.
18:22The presents we bought you.
18:24They are in the kitchen.
18:25Yeah, we'll go and get them.
18:26Come on, George.
18:27Who are?
18:27No, go on.
18:28Quick.
18:29That's it.
18:30Excuse us.
18:35We bought them whiskey and chocolate.
18:36It's where he's drunk it.
18:37I do know that.
18:39I suppose I have to wrap these up again.
18:41I only had the soft centers.
18:42The hard centers have got your teeth marks all over them.
18:46There must be something we could give them.
18:48What, in the kitchen?
18:49Well, where else?
18:50Well, there's nothing here worth having, except the cooker.
18:52We haven't got enough paper to wrap it up in.
18:54Do you think she'd like a cucumber?
18:59Well, it's hardly festive, is it?
19:01No, I suppose not.
19:03Oh, George, I mean, what do you give a woman who's got everything and never stops talking
19:08about it?
19:11Well, that one's from us, the picture of the robin on the Bank of England.
19:17That's from next door.
19:20And that one's from somebody called Moby, whoever he is.
19:24The goldfish.
19:26Look, stop prying, will you?
19:28Oh, just look at their decorations.
19:31It's all a bit Blue Peter, isn't it?
19:35Ethel, haven't you got any charity left in you?
19:38Of course I have.
19:39I've come round here, haven't I?
19:41Oh, I was just saying what, pretty decorations.
19:44Oh, thank you, love.
19:46Here we are, then.
19:47One each.
19:48Oh, what a surprise.
19:51Oh, you don't have to open them now.
19:52Oh, I must.
19:53This is the best part of Christmas.
19:55Oh, we thought we'd give you something different, you know, that no one else would have given
19:58you.
20:02A pound of cheese?
20:05Yes, well, it's a thought that counts.
20:09And you thought of a pound of cheese?
20:11Now, don't start, Ethel.
20:13I mean, you ought to be grateful for what you...
20:18Oven gloves?
20:19Oh, gardening gloves.
20:22Yeah, well, I'm not going to do much gardening with my hands tied together.
20:27Still, it'll, um, they'll come in useful.
20:29Yeah, but, I mean, what do I do with them?
20:32Well, you can hold this pound of cheese for a start.
20:36Yeah, well, hey, it's been nice chatting to you, but I promised I'd pop back next door.
20:39Sit!
20:41Right, now, we're going to have a little chat.
20:43I mean, we haven't seen each other for ages.
20:46I mean, we've got lots to talk about.
21:09Humphrey, is a gambling debt legally enforceable?
21:12What do you mean, like horses and cards, that sort of thing?
21:15Yeah.
21:15No, I don't think so.
21:16Oh, oh, good.
21:18Not unless you signed an I.O.U.
21:26£45,568?
21:28Geoffrey, you can't possibly expect him to pay this.
21:31He made Tristan pay.
21:335p, that's a bit of a difference.
21:35Imagine if I did, though.
21:37I'd have to sell his house, move away.
21:39I'd be free of him, I'd see colours again.
21:41Geoffrey, you've just got to let him win.
21:44Why?
21:44Because if you don't, he'll keep on playing.
21:47He'll be round here morning, noon and night, day after day after day.
21:50Ah.
21:59All right, up against the wall, I'll sell my position.
22:03What position?
22:05I don't know, but that's what they say.
22:08Hold this.
22:09Oh, sure.
22:09Look at top of my Kojak book.
22:12Oh, Mr. Roper, I thought...
22:17Oh, I've come round for the game.
22:20Oh, yeah, you'd better come in.
22:26Hello, Mr. Roper.
22:27Oh, OK.
22:29Remember what I said, Geoffrey.
22:31All right, all right.
22:32Don't fuss, woman.
22:33You ready?
22:34Yeah.
22:34Go on, let's play the fast game and get it over with.
22:37Off you go.
22:39Oh, shoot, I'll put it through my own goal.
22:41What?
22:42Oh, no, no, look, look.
22:44Look, you twist the controls, you see, like this.
22:47There, there, you've scored a point.
22:48Oh, yeah.
22:49Careful, Kevin.
22:50There, you've scored another one.
22:52Oh, yeah.
22:52Yeah.
22:53I'm getting good at this, aren't I?
22:56Hey, give me the watch, mate.
22:57All right.
22:58Careful.
22:59Up, Mr. Roper.
23:00Up, up!
23:00What for?
23:01Not you.
23:03The controls.
23:04Oh, I've scored again, damn it.
23:06But I couldn't help it.
23:07Hey, you scored again.
23:09What?
23:09Oh, good grief.
23:11Oh, I can't watch this.
23:12Look, the idea is to get the bat behind the ball.
23:16You see?
23:18Ah, I see.
23:20Look out, here it comes again.
23:23Anne, has George sleep in here?
23:26I turned my back and he'd gone.
23:28Yes.
23:30No, you twist the controls.
23:33You see?
23:34Oh, I've won another game.
23:36You're not giving me a chance.
23:39Well, I'll tell you what.
23:41Double or quits?
23:42Yeah.
23:42No.
23:43No.
23:44We'll toss a coin.
23:46There's no skill in it.
23:47And you'll be as good as me.
23:48Right?
23:49All right.
23:49Right.
23:51Call.
23:52Heads.
23:54Tails.
23:57The best of three.
23:58Oh, well, yeah.
23:59Yeah.
23:59Right.
24:00Call.
24:00Uh, Tails.
24:03You're right.
24:04Oh, no.
24:04You said the best of three.
24:08Ethel and Humphrey have left.
24:09Now, you don't pay him.
24:10Not now, Mildred.
24:10Not now.
24:11He's tossing a coin.
24:12I stand to lose, uh, how much was he?
24:14One hundred and eighty-two thousand three hundred and fifty-two pounds.
24:18Oh, I'm so sorry.
24:20I didn't want to disturb anything.
24:21How much?
24:22It's all right, Mildred.
24:25Edge.
24:26Uh, uh, Tails.
24:27Edge and Tails.
24:31You're right.
24:32You've won.
24:33How?
24:33You don't owe me a penny.
24:36Oh, right.
24:37Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
24:38George, how much was it?
24:39Oh, it doesn't matter now, Mildred.
24:41Hey, that was a good game, that was, wasn't it?
24:42I won two out of three.
24:44You fancy playing the game?
24:45Quid a time.
24:45Oh, it doesn't matter now.
25:15Oh, it doesn't matter now.
25:46Yeah.
25:48.
25:49.
25:49.
25:49.
25:49.
25:49.
25:49.
25:49.
25:50.
25:50.
25:50.
25:53.
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