- 2 days ago
First broadcast 28th September 1978.
Brother-in-law Humphrey offers George a job at his meat factory but when George finds out that he is enjoying weekends away with his young secretary he uses the fact to persuade Humphrey not to employ him.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Mimi De Braie - Consuela
Jennifer Guy - Maggie
Brother-in-law Humphrey offers George a job at his meat factory but when George finds out that he is enjoying weekends away with his young secretary he uses the fact to persuade Humphrey not to employ him.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Reginald Marsh - Humphrey
Avril Elgar - Ethel
Mimi De Braie - Consuela
Jennifer Guy - Maggie
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Sex-Chain Scout Mistress tells her trampoline orgies with swinging bick-up.
01:23See page five.
01:24Oh, right. Page five. Page five.
01:26George, I've just finished this little matter.
01:28Mildred, why are you done with page five?
01:32I've just cut out an item, George.
01:35Something I thought we could both do together during the long winter evenings.
01:39Oh, no, no, not with my back.
01:42George, how to make a patchwork quilt.
01:46Oh, that. Oh, yeah.
01:47Can I have a look at the other side, Mildred?
01:49Yes, of course you can.
01:50Why?
01:58Boing, boing.
02:00Oh, disgusting.
02:02I'd like to have a look at that patchwork quilt.
02:04Oh, yes.
02:04Are you going to sit around in your pyjamas all day, George?
02:09Why not?
02:09It's Sunday.
02:10Six days out there, Labour.
02:11On the seventh, I shall sit around in my pyjamas.
02:13William Shakespeare.
02:16You do not, Labour, George.
02:18You live on the dole.
02:19Haven't you any pride?
02:21No, I don't work.
02:22I'll get almost as much as I would if I did.
02:24I'm pretty proud of that.
02:26You're supposed to be the breadwinner, George.
02:28You couldn't win a currant bun.
02:30Listen, Mildred, I'm your husband, and I demand a bit of respect.
02:36Well, it's worth a try.
02:39I will respect you, George, the day you get a job.
02:42Will you?
02:43Well.
02:44Yeah, well, these days you need to be skilled, or semi-skilled, or unskilled.
02:48And then there's you.
02:49Yeah, exactly.
02:51Well, it's not my fault if I'm caught in the poverty trampoline.
02:56I don't mean to get the poverty trap.
02:58Here's a nice patchwork quilt, that.
03:00Get dressed.
03:07I seem to have a bit of Batman's face here.
03:10So?
03:11So what is Batman doing in a painting by a can of letter?
03:15Fighting crime.
03:17Perhaps my puzzles got mixed up.
03:19Yeah, possibly, yes.
03:22Don't do that, darling.
03:23I'll do it.
03:24Mustn't lift heavy weights.
03:25That's no way to talk about my Yorkshire puddings.
03:29And can we have the table clear, please?
03:32All right.
03:33Oh, look.
03:35Please are an OK Wumble.
03:38Well, you must take things easy, darling.
03:41Don't spend so much time on your feet.
03:43Oh, my feet don't bother me.
03:44Out of sight, out of mind.
03:46Oh, excuse me.
03:53Oh, come in, Mildred.
03:53Oh, you're not in the middle of eating lunch or anything, are you?
03:56No, not yet.
03:57I've got something in the oven.
03:59Yes.
03:59I've just popped in to give you this.
04:03It's a matinee coat for the little one.
04:05Oh.
04:07Oh, isn't it nice?
04:09Very nice.
04:11Oh, it's just the right size, too.
04:14Is this in the lounge?
04:15Very nice, dear.
04:17Come on.
04:20Oh.
04:21Excuse me.
04:21I've just got a fished Batman out of the Grand Canal.
04:27Do sit down, Mildred.
04:29Oh, thank you, love.
04:31How are things?
04:32Oh, fine, fine.
04:35No.
04:37George still hasn't found a position to suit him.
04:42Well, it's not easy these days.
04:44Oh, well.
04:44Of course, his age is against him, you see, love,
04:47and his face and his manner and his...
04:51Oh, God.
04:59All right, all right.
05:01Don't wear your finger out.
05:05Oh, hello, George.
05:07Oh, my God.
05:09Hello, I'm free, Ethel.
05:10We were passing.
05:11We've just been to pick up the rolls.
05:13Yeah, well, we've eaten already.
05:17I was referring to the car.
05:19I'm afraid we've taken up several parking spaces.
05:22Yeah, well, I suppose you'd better come in.
05:25Look, don't go on about it, Ethel.
05:26You know they haven't got two Kruger rounds to rub together.
05:28Mildred's not here, she's in next door.
05:34Spends most of her time round there nowadays.
05:36I'm not surprised.
05:38Can I hang up your coat, love?
05:39No, not yet.
05:42Ah, I'll pass too.
05:43Ha-ha.
05:45Cocktail cabinet's open then, eh, George?
05:47What?
05:47Oh, yeah.
05:48I told you you should have let me bring me home.
05:51Oh.
05:53That sounds like Mildred now.
05:55Oh, Anne's loved it.
05:58Oh, Ethel.
06:00Oh, what a surprise.
06:04We were passing.
06:05We've just been to pick up the roll.
06:06Leave it, Ethel.
06:08How are you there, Mildred?
06:09Oh, fine.
06:10It's lovely to see you.
06:12Drinks, George.
06:13What?
06:14Drinks.
06:14Oh, that's how it's done.
06:20Uh, what do you fancy then?
06:21I'll have a tequila sunrise.
06:27I drank nothing else when I was in Barbados last month.
06:31Oh, yes?
06:32Well, it must have been very odd if you were wearing that thing.
06:36You've noticed.
06:37Can I hang it up now, dear?
06:38Oh, not yet.
06:39It's sable.
06:40Oh, really?
06:42George had a paintbrush like that once.
06:44Tequila, tequila.
06:47No, no, George, we're out of it.
06:49Well, you know, it is on order,
06:51but you know what the deliveries are like these days.
06:52Yeah, well, we've run out of everything else and all.
06:55Oh, don't worry, dear.
06:57If we get really thirsty, we've got some in the...
06:59Ethel.
07:02Listen, we really came round to invite you two to dinner next Friday.
07:05To see the new house.
07:07Oh!
07:07Yes, we do owe you.
07:09And I thought I'd get it in before the start of the social season.
07:15Friday, did you say Friday?
07:16Oh, I just have to look it up, dear.
07:19Now, let me see.
07:21Um...
07:23Er...
07:23Er...
07:24Er...
07:25Friday?
07:27Oh.
07:27Oh, it's a bit tricky, dear.
07:30Yes.
07:30No, never mind.
07:31I'll cancel a few things.
07:33Right.
07:34Friday it is.
07:35Oh, that's settled.
07:36Well, you two fixed up your holidays this year yet?
07:38Er, no, dear.
07:39No, not yet.
07:40No, we, er...
07:40We thought we would spend this year at home.
07:43You know.
07:43Er, we enjoy it.
07:45Well, you must do.
07:46You spent last year at home as well, didn't you?
07:48And the year before.
07:50Now, listen, Ethel, you may not notice,
07:52but we cannot afford some of the things you can afford.
07:54Look, George, don't stop.
07:54No, let me speak.
07:56Our circumstances may be humble.
07:58Yes.
08:00Money is not everything.
08:01I don't quite follow that, Humphrey.
08:04He means he's still on the dole.
08:07You haven't found a position that's suitable, that, then, George?
08:09Oh, yes, yes.
08:10He's had quite a few offers, but they, er...
08:13They all involve work.
08:17George?
08:17George, how would you like to come into the business with me?
08:20What?
08:21Oh.
08:24Oh, I think, well, there'd be no complaints.
08:28Am I to take that as some sort of compliment?
08:30It's delicious, Anne.
08:31Tristan, meet your spinach.
08:33I have.
08:34You have not.
08:34It's hidden behind that roast potato.
08:36Well, I've got more of it now than there was when I started.
08:40Well, er, put a lump of gravy on it, then you won't taste it.
08:45Slip of the tongue.
08:46Peace.
08:46Peace.
08:47Peace.
08:47Mr. Roper says it's finished, watch your socks.
08:53He what?
08:55Tristram, if you finish, go and clean your teeth.
08:58All right.
09:01I wish I could take them out like Mr. Roper can.
09:06Teeth.
09:07Speaking of Mr. Roper, he's having a hard time finding work.
09:17Well, he's unemployed, isn't he?
09:18Who's going to give a job to a person like that?
09:19Well, couldn't you find him?
09:20Well, couldn't you find him something in your firm?
09:23Now, I don't know what sort of job Humphrey has in mind for you, George, but I want you to take it.
09:32Oh, I know nothing about wholesale offal offal.
09:34Well, you'll soon pick it up.
09:35Yeah, I wouldn't touch it with a barge bolt.
09:37It's probably some sort of white-collar physician.
09:41I mean, they don't put tripe in their in-trays.
09:43Well, he didn't actually promise me a job.
09:45He just said he'd see what he could do.
09:47Might all come to nothing.
09:49You are deliberately going to fail this interview, aren't you, George?
09:52No, I should just behave naturally.
09:53Well, that'll do it.
10:01If you'd like to take a seat, Mr Pottery won't be a few moments.
10:04Oh, right.
10:06What's he like to work for?
10:08Oh, ever so nice.
10:10Flowers and your birthday, box of chocolates.
10:13Sometimes he takes you out for a meal.
10:15I'll just see a show.
10:16Oh, I look forward to that.
10:17You're his secretary, are you?
10:24Well, I'm one of them.
10:26He's got another one that does the typing, the short end, and the filing and that.
10:30What do you do, then?
10:32I show people into the office.
10:36Do you want a cup of tea?
10:37Oh, yeah, right.
10:37Come on.
10:47Send in, Lord Muck.
11:06Dear sir or madam?
11:08Well, he sounds a weird one.
11:12Acme Travel Agency, Mr and Mrs Pomfrey, first class to Jersey.
11:15God, like a jammy beggar.
11:17Tripe and the European Economic Community.
11:22Oh, he's here, is he?
11:24We'll buzz through in five minutes with an urgent appointment, will you?
11:34Morning, George.
11:36Hi, yeah.
11:36Morning, morning, Humphrey.
11:37Cigar.
11:38Oh, sorry.
11:45Now, listen, I'll come straight to the point.
11:47This is a Pomfrey's pure black pudding.
11:50Now, then, can you do that with it?
11:52Now, never mind.
11:54I've got 20 men in the packing department doing that all day long.
11:57Now, what I want is a worker.
11:59Oh, well, I'll go, then.
12:00Sit down, sit down.
12:02Listen, I'm only doing this because of your family.
12:05Now, then.
12:05There is one other vacancy I can offer you.
12:08It's in the sorting department.
12:10You'll be separating liver, lights, kidneys, brains, hearts.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:17The thing is, Humphrey, I do very well on the Social Security, see?
12:20Well, I mean, I can't afford your fancy cars or even your luxury trips to, you know, Jersey at the weekend.
12:26Well, you and Ethel, I mean, you just got back from Barbados and now you're off to Jersey.
12:31Well, I mean, I can't afford that, of course.
12:33That was private, George.
12:35Oh, well, no doubt we'd heard all about it on Friday from Ethel.
12:39Er, no, you wouldn't.
12:43And, er, as a matter of fact, I would, er, appreciate it if you didn't mention it either.
12:48Well, she must know she's going.
12:49Er, no, she doesn't.
12:52Because she isn't.
12:54If you, if you must know, I am taking my secretary.
12:58Well, I mean, it's purely business, of course, you know, but, well, Ethel wouldn't believe it.
13:02Well, I don't see why not.
13:03I believe it.
13:06Oh, if only I'd manage you, George.
13:09Tea, I made one for you to hump.
13:13All right?
13:13Oh, er, yes, er, thank you, Miss, er, Miss Cooper.
13:17Oh.
13:21Just, er, ha, purely business, eh?
13:23Yeah, well.
13:24Yeah, well, I won't mention it on Friday, of course.
13:27Oh, that's a good lad.
13:29On one condition.
13:32Well, what happened?
13:40Er, well, he withdrew his offer of a job, Mildred.
13:43He what?
13:44Yeah, he changed his mind, said there was no vacancy.
13:46I was, er, I was bitterly disappointed.
13:48I see.
13:49I shall have a few words to say to him on Friday.
13:52Yeah, that's right.
13:52You give him help.
13:53Yes, I will.
13:54Oh, by the way, I, er, I brought you back a little present.
13:56I'll see you next time.
14:26Oh what a filthy day. Oh is it raining? No I went for a quick stroll through the
14:47car wash. Did you have a good day otherwise? Rushed off our feet. I never
14:54want to see another semi-debt 4b2 reset fitted kit again. Who'd be an estate agent?
14:58You're understaffed. Yes. Oh no. Oh no. Don't start that again. You need staff and Mr. Roper needs a job.
15:06And he has no experience, no references, no qualifications, no charm, no personality. He's
15:11a scruffy dresser. He can't speak properly. He is lazy, shiftless, unpunctual,
15:15unemployable. He scratches himself and picks his nose. You don't like him do you?
15:22I never said that. I can read between the lines. Is that your final word? Yes. Is it
15:27yours? No. Oh dear.
15:52They don't make them like that anymore, you know, Mildred. You're right, George. They don't...
16:08They certainly don't. That is a heap of old rubbish.
16:27Mrs. and Mr. Roper, we are expected. Ah, bueno. Come on, please. Thank you.
16:56Please, to undress. You what? You could send your smash helmet.
17:03Thank you very much. There we are. Yes.
17:05It's wet. It is a bit wet here, isn't it? Yes. It's rain. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
17:12It's alluvia. Is it? Oh. That's nice, isn't it, George. If you want them back, I will be
17:25hanging in the cupboard. To come out. To me. To you? Si, si. To come out. Si, si. Yes,
17:33si. Yes, exactly. There you go. They have landed. Oh, Mildred. Lovely to see you. And, George,
17:44do sit. Want a drink? Yeah, I thought you'd never ask. I have a brown ale. And Mildred must
17:50have a tequila sunrise. Oh, lovely. Oh, right. That's it, Al. Right, coming up. Oh, help
17:57yourself to the bits and pieces. Build up your strength for the walk to the dining room.
18:03Now, there's smoked salmon and caviar. I'll have the blackberry jam. That is caviar. Oh,
18:16I see you've got a new chair. Well, it was new when Louis the 14th bought it. Humphrey
18:23likes one or two old things about the house. Yes. Well, none of them is getting any younger,
18:31dear. Right, there we are, then. Tequila sunrise. Oh, Lord. Brown ale. Am I pressing
18:39yours up, then? No, thanks. I think I'll go and change. You've already changed. That
18:44was for afternoon tea. Now I'm going to change for dinner. Excuse me. She could do with revolving
18:53doors on her wardrobe, that one. Georgia, they were so disappointed. Disappointed when
19:03you didn't offer him the job. Oh. Yes. Well, there was a reason for that. Oh, yeah. Right.
19:11Tell her the reason, Humphrey. Uh, yes. Well, you see, he's, uh, he's, uh... Yes, I suppose
19:23he is. Right, let's settle, then. Do you mind if I use your loo, Humphrey? Oh, yeah. I'll
19:29show you where it is. Right. This way. Now, then. Down there. Ninth on the left. It's
19:41got This Is It on the door. Right. Humphrey. I just happen to be going through your jacket
19:49pockets, looking for fluff. What are these? Ah. First-class tickets and hotel accommodation
19:59for Jersey next weekend. Yes. Well, they can't be for us. You are going to attend the Offal
20:04Association Conference in Bootle next weekend. Yes, I am. Yes, you're quite right. And I
20:08wouldn't miss it. No. Uh, no, these are not for us, as you said. These are for, uh, for, um,
20:16for Mildred and George, a surprise. Then why has it got Mr. and Mrs. Pumphrey? Oh,
20:23has it? Oh, oh, he's a fool, that travel agent. Um, well, uh, because, um, I thought, well,
20:31look, they haven't had a holiday for years, you know, and I thought, well, it's a charitable
20:36act from me. And you. Charity? From me to Mildred? Oh, I like it. Let's give them to a writer.
20:45Oh, well, I was thinking the poor dear's been looking tired and drawn lately, and she
20:55can't afford a decent holiday. So, here. Ah. Well. Jersey? Holiday for two, first class?
21:05Or make a nice change for you. Oh, no. No, no, no, we couldn't possibly. All right,
21:09I'll give them back to the travel agent. Now, Mildred, you are not to be proud. If we
21:15weren't giving to you, we'd be giving to Oxfam. Yes.
21:20Oh, Jersey? I've never been there. Come on. It's almost abroad. Yes. Oh, it must have
21:30cost you, oh, I don't know, pounds and pounds. Hundred and bloody thirty. Still, it's worth
21:36it just to see your face. Oh, and it's a lovely little island. We flew over it on our way to
21:41Barbados last night. Ah. I see your toilet row holder's got a new tune. George, look, look,
21:50look, look. Oh, I've never seen them before in me life. No, of course you haven't, George.
21:58They're for you. Yeah, like you. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to Jersey with your secretary.
22:07Mildred's going. What, with your secretary? I thought you were secretary.
22:13I see. Excuse me. Humphrey, I would like a word. I thought that was purely business. You've got...
22:21Humphrey! Now listen to me, I can explain it. George!
22:42That was the most embarrassing dinner party I've ever sat through, George. Yeah, lucky we had steak
22:47came in handy for his eye. I mean, that's what's wrong with men. I mean, they're never satisfied.
22:53They're over-sexed. Oh, well, it's the way we're made, Mildred.
22:58Not you, George. Your trouble is an over-active mouth. I mean, we could have been in Jersey
23:04next weekend. Well, you can't blame me. Oh, yes, I can. You're nearest. Oh, poor Ethel.
23:11Well, she'll do very well out this row. Next time she comes here, she'll be wearing two fur coats.
23:16George, you stay right there. I haven't finished with you yet.
23:25Oh, well, I didn't want to go to Jersey anyway, Moby. We'd have had to put you in kennels.
23:32George, it's Mr. Pormile. Oh, blimey, that's all I need.
23:36Good evening. Anne has been nagging... has mentioned to me that you...
23:40Sit down, love. Thank you. That you are looking for a job. Oh, he is. Yes, he is.
23:45Well, she would like to... I would like to offer him one.
23:49Well, it's got nothing to do with tripe and kidneys, has it?
23:51No, no, it's in our advertising department. It's quite a heavy responsibility.
23:55You'll be taking a lot on your shoulders. He'll take it.
24:00I would like to ask you,
24:03Well, I'm trying to get the electoral,
24:05but I will try to get a little bit more.
24:07Well, I'll try to get a little bit more.
24:09Well, I will try.
24:11I will try.
24:13I will try my little further.
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