- 21 hours ago
First broadcast 12th December 1977.
Mildred wants a holiday in Majorca but George, who can't speak Majorcan, feels they should stick to familiar Blackpool.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Edward Evans - Bernard West
Zulema Dene - Penelope Fordham
Mildred wants a holiday in Majorca but George, who can't speak Majorcan, feels they should stick to familiar Blackpool.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Edward Evans - Bernard West
Zulema Dene - Penelope Fordham
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Geoffrey, do you want one sausage or two?
01:08Huh?
01:11Tristram, ask your father how many sausages he wants.
01:13How many sausages do you want?
01:16Six million three hundred and sixty thousand.
01:19Oh, I'll get the big pan out.
01:22Working day's lost to strike action.
01:24I blame the TUC.
01:26That's a rude word.
01:27It most certainly is.
01:30I thought it was.
01:32Your wife fell out rude words.
01:35Conservatives have the right idea.
01:37Daddy, is the Conservatives the same thing as a Tory twit?
01:41Where did you pick up that sort of phrase?
01:46Mr. Roper.
01:48Here we are, George.
01:50Your favourite breakfast.
01:52Bacon doorsteps, peanut butter and brown sauce.
01:55Oh, yeah.
01:57Oh, my God.
01:59And, well, there's some like a tea.
02:01Is it strong?
02:02Oh, yes.
02:03When I poured the milk in, it nearly bounced out again.
02:05I like it hot and strong.
02:07Like I used to get it in the old days.
02:09Yes, don't we all?
02:10And I've left the pan, George, so you can wipe round it with your crusts.
02:15Oh, yeah.
02:17You've all been very nice, Mildred.
02:19What are you after, eh?
02:20Oh, George.
02:22Can't a wife be nice to a hubby without wanting something?
02:25No.
02:26Oh, you're right.
02:26I do want something.
02:28Look, I want to talk about our holiday.
02:30Oh, you're a joker?
02:32Yeah.
02:32That's abroad.
02:33Oh, only just.
02:35Well, hang on.
02:35We always go to Mrs. Muldoon's boarding house in Blackpool every year.
02:38What's wrong with that?
02:39We always go there every year.
02:41That's what's wrong with it.
02:42Yeah, but we meet people we know.
02:43Friends.
02:44Like that fat woman with the water, the stupid husband.
02:47Friends?
02:48We always get the room next to the toilet.
02:51So?
02:51When she serves curry on a Thursday, I don't sleep all night.
02:56I want a bit of glamour and excitement on my holiday, George.
03:03Well, we could try a donkey ride this year.
03:06I want to feel the sun caressing me on the beach.
03:10What, young Fred?
03:14Not Mrs. Muldoon's sun.
03:16That sun.
03:17In Mallorca.
03:18No, I never liked foreign parts, Mildred.
03:20Not since I was overcharged in Landudno.
03:22Oh.
03:23You like Mallorca?
03:25It's got sun and sand and wine and guitars.
03:29Do they play darts?
03:31All the time.
03:32I don't know, Mildred.
03:33We don't speak a word of Mallorcan.
03:37I mean, it's a bit like Spanish, I expect, George.
03:40And don't tell me you can't afford it.
03:42Oh, yeah, no, we can't afford it.
03:44Ah, we can.
03:46If we travel with a club or a group,
03:48we can save up to 40%.
03:50Well, if we don't go, we can save 100%.
03:52Anyway, what sort of club?
03:55Well, it's...
03:56Oh, there are all sorts, George.
03:58Oh, I mean, there's the Women's Institute.
04:02There's the Boys' Brigade.
04:03I'm not a woman.
04:04I'm not a boy.
04:05No.
04:06And that cat's out the Working Man's Club as well.
04:08Oh, George, there are all sorts of others.
04:13And it would cost no more than Blackpool.
04:15Yeah, but it's all that foreign food, Mildred.
04:17Sheep's eyeballs and sauerkraut.
04:19I like the Honest British Whelk.
04:21Oh, George, come on.
04:23Just think about it.
04:25Yeah, all right.
04:26I'll tell you what I do.
04:27Yeah?
04:27I'll think about it, and then I'll say no.
04:32What did he say?
04:34No.
04:35Oh, dear.
04:36Oh, don't worry about it, dear.
04:37He always says no on principle.
04:39He's been saying it ever since we were married.
04:42Do you think you'll persuade him?
04:44Every man has his breaking point.
04:47Oh, I know.
04:48I mean, Geoffrey.
04:49I always get round him by putting on my see-through nightdress
04:52and nibbling his ear.
04:55Well, I only want to persuade George,
04:57not terrify him out of his face.
05:00Well, I've got the forms for you to join the association.
05:03Oh, good.
05:04You don't think Mr. Paul Myr will mind us coming to me,
05:06okay, you know, with all of you?
05:08Well, he hasn't said anything.
05:10Mind you, he might when I tell him.
05:12Oh, it'll be lovely.
05:14I haven't been abroad since we went on our honeymoon to Dunkirk.
05:19And even then, I was let down by the weather,
05:21amongst other things.
05:23Oh, I think I've got a touch of wind, Mildred, indigestion.
05:38Amazing.
05:38Yeah, it's probably that pickled onion and nibble sausage I had after breakfast.
05:43Probably.
05:44Now, George, about my Yorker.
05:46Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about that all morning, Mildred.
05:49And I've taken into consideration your well-reasoned argument,
05:52you know, about Mrs. Muldoon's and wanting to change,
05:55a touch of glamour like you get in my Yorker,
05:57you know, the wine, sun, the guitars,
05:59and I've made my decision.
06:01Yes?
06:02I'm not going.
06:04It's not for me, Mildred.
06:06Look, my Yorker does not have to be glamorous, George.
06:09Oh, you can get English beer, fish and chips,
06:13mugs of tea.
06:14It can be quite dull.
06:15Real British keg beer?
06:16Oh, yes.
06:17And you can paddle with your trousers rolled up,
06:20knotted hanky on your head,
06:21your braces dangling.
06:24Well, you make it sound good, Mildred.
06:27You'll love it, George.
06:29You'll sit on the beach, sucking whelks,
06:33candy flossing your eyebrows,
06:36your boots round your neck,
06:37and, oh, God.
06:39I'm not taking you with me, George.
06:41I'm not.
06:42I'm not going to take you with me.
06:44Don't upset yourself, Mildred.
06:46No, you're going to stay here.
06:48You'll just spoil it for me, George.
06:49All right, I will come.
06:51Right.
06:55Sign that.
06:56What is this?
06:57Oh, well, this is to join the association, you see, George.
07:00Well, give us a cheap package tour,
07:03you know, so that we're eligible for it.
07:04Just sign there.
07:05Oh, yeah.
07:06What association is it, exactly?
07:08On the bottom, George.
07:09Why are you covering the top with your hand, Mildred?
07:11Er, what organisation is this?
07:16The Conservative Association.
07:18I've brought him a little present.
07:26He's outside.
07:27What have you brought him?
07:28Some Conservative Party political pamphlets.
07:30Oh, just what he wanted.
07:31And he has been brainwashed by Arthur Scargill next door.
07:35He's only heard one side of the picture.
07:37It's up to me to tell him the truth.
07:39Now, for instance, this one will help him understand
07:41the Conservative policy towards the unions.
07:44Good.
07:44Then he can explain it to me.
07:45Mr Roper says they just want to bash them.
07:49Yes.
07:50Well, that is an oversimplification.
07:53You see?
07:54Sit down, soldier.
07:56Are you going to tell me a story?
07:58In a way, yes.
08:00Let's see.
08:01The economics of freedom.
08:04Now, I may paraphrase a little here.
08:08Once upon a time...
08:10Are there any cowboys in it?
08:12Dennis Healy does get a mention, yes.
08:15Once upon a time, there was this golden-haired Thatcher.
08:18He was wise and good and had magic powers.
08:23Oh, boy.
08:24Oh, I'm not joining that lot, Mildred.
08:29I am Labour.
08:30My father was Labour.
08:32And his father was probably Labour.
08:33Only they never knew who he was.
08:35George, he's only on the social side.
08:37They organise things.
08:39Yeah, wish drives in aid of the death penalty.
08:42Dances, fates, trips abroad.
08:45A leopard cannot change his spots, Mildred.
08:47You can keep your spots.
08:48I mean, George, I'm not asking you to become a Tory.
08:51Just join the Conservatives.
08:52Conservatives.
08:53What?
08:54Lie, George.
08:56Pretend.
08:57Oh, come on.
08:58You're good at pretending.
09:00I mean, night after night, you lie there,
09:02your eyes wide open, snoring.
09:05Don't start that again.
09:06Look, George.
09:08Just sign it.
09:10I mean, you don't have to do anything afterwards.
09:13Just think of it as our marriage certificate.
09:15Why is it when we have an argument, you always bring bed into it?
09:19All right, George.
09:21All right, I won't mention it again.
09:24I won't mention bed, ever.
09:26What, never?
09:27Well, I...
09:29All right.
09:31Never.
09:31There, you see, it's easy to lie.
09:34Now sign it.
09:35You're asking me to betray a lifetime of deeply held political principles.
09:40Convictions which, to me, are dearer than life itself.
09:43I'll pay for the holiday out of me own savings.
09:45On the bottom here, is that right?
09:46So, that's agreed.
09:52We fit the dinner dance in between the raffle and the cheese and wine party.
09:56Yes.
09:56Now, tickets for all three have been selling very well.
09:59Thanks to Geoffrey.
10:00Oh, good old Geoffrey.
10:00And it is most encouraging to see such a revival of interest in politics.
10:06Indeed, yes.
10:07Penelope.
10:09New memberships.
10:11Well, so far this month, we've had no fewer than seven applications.
10:16Six of them following the party political broadcast.
10:19That's the Labour one, not her.
10:23They're all local people.
10:25Indeed, one of them lives next door to our own Mr. Formal.
10:29So, I suggest we call him...
10:30Just a moment.
10:32What name is that?
10:35Mr. Roper.
10:36G. Roper.
10:38He's a Bolshevik.
10:39He can't.
10:41My good Lord Penelope, he...
10:42That man, he's...
10:44He's one of them.
10:45What?
10:46As well as being a Bolshevik?
10:48Yes.
10:48No.
10:49We can't allow his sort to infiltrate us.
10:51It'll be like Reg Prentiss at Newham North East.
10:53Ah, no.
10:54Reg Prentiss.
10:55Now, there's a good jab.
10:57Well, perhaps this, uh, Mr. Roper has seen the light as well.
11:01No, no, no, no.
11:01I'm sorry, Penelope.
11:02I cannot believe that this man is a conservative.
11:05I mean, at the very best, he's a...
11:07He's a...
11:08Liberal.
11:10Oh, yes.
11:11Okay.
11:11However, I don't wish to be vindictive about this, so, uh, let's just tear up his application
11:16form and send it back.
11:17Continental breakfast.
11:22What's that exactly?
11:24Um, Spanish bacon with Spanish doorsteps, Spanish peanut butter and Spanish brown sauce.
11:30Oh, yeah, it sounds all right.
11:32Um, well, yeah, they've got twin beds.
11:34That's good.
11:38Sauna, swimming pool, cocktail, but there's no mention of a dance board here, Mildred.
11:43Oh, of course there is, George.
11:46Look, you see?
11:48You know, they make visits to it.
11:50Oh, Plaza del Toros.
11:52Yes.
11:53Well, that's Mallorcan for dart board.
11:55Oh, yeah?
11:57Why have they got a drawing of a ball?
11:58Well, uh, you have a ball on a dart board, don't you, George?
12:04Oh, yeah, that's true.
12:07International cabaret in the sombrero lounge.
12:11Ah, El Loco Golf for residents only.
12:15Oh, I see they've got flamingo lessons in the ballroom.
12:17Uh, yes, George.
12:18Um, Mr. Fulmire wants a word with you.
12:21Oh, please sit down.
12:24Evening.
12:24Oh.
12:25It's, uh, it's to do with your application to join our Conservative Association.
12:29I'm on the committee, you know.
12:31No, I did not know that.
12:33We felt we'd like to have a little chat about you, about your political views, before we
12:37make our decision.
12:38This is your idea, isn't it?
12:40Oh, no, no, no, no.
12:41I favoured a completely different form of action.
12:43Oh, Mr. Fulmire, how nice of you.
12:46Yes.
12:47We want to be convinced that you are sincere in your desire to become a Tory twit.
12:52Tomorrow afternoon, all right?
13:23I've decided, Mildred, I'm not going.
13:32Oh, so we're back to square one, are we?
13:35Now, look, George.
13:36I'm not going to stand there being terror-garotted by that lot.
13:40It'd be like the Inquisition.
13:42George, there are going to be no racks, no thumbscrews, no red-hot pokers.
13:47Not unless you let me down.
13:49I'm sorry, Mildred.
13:50I'd rather you change the subject, if you don't mind.
13:52Oh, all right then, George.
13:55Last night in bed...
13:57Oh, yeah, well, I...
13:58Well, supposing I do go and see them, what do I say?
14:01Well, you simply tell them you want to join the Conservative Party.
14:04I don't.
14:04You do.
14:06I mean, what alternative is there?
14:08Mrs Muldoon's in Blackpool.
14:11It's like an instant replay.
14:13Now, look, George, look.
14:16I have tried bribery.
14:18I have tried reason.
14:20There's only one thing left.
14:23Give me a little finger.
14:24Oh, no, no, no, no.
14:26The violence never solved anything.
14:28No, but it will make me feel better.
14:29Give it to me.
14:30No, no, no, no.
14:31Up to get, Tiger.
14:35That's it.
14:35Out the way.
14:36Good boy.
14:38Everything all right?
14:39Mm.
14:40Good, good.
14:42That's my best briar.
14:44I thought I'd clean it for you.
14:47Is that only washing up liquid?
14:49Yes.
14:49Well, that's very...
14:50I think it's clean enough.
14:52Go and find something else to do.
14:53Have you got any more of those pamphlets?
14:56Yes.
14:57Yes, I have.
14:58Have you finished with the others?
15:00Mm-hmm.
15:00Good.
15:01Let's see.
15:02Um, education.
15:04Oh, transport policy.
15:06Yeah?
15:08That's all right.
15:09Enjoy yourself.
15:11Here.
15:12Oh.
15:16Anne?
15:17Anne?
15:18Look at this.
15:20Look.
15:23Oh, very clever, Geoffrey.
15:25Aren't you a bit old for that?
15:26Well, it's that son of yours.
15:28Honestly.
15:29Still, he is taking an interest in politics.
15:32By blowing bubbles?
15:34What?
15:34No, no, no.
15:35Those pamphlets seem to have caught his little imagination.
15:38Oh, yes.
15:39Will he be late tonight?
15:40I shouldn't think so.
15:41The moment Roper opens his mouth, they'll see right through him.
15:45You are going to give him a fair trial.
15:47Don't be ridiculous.
15:48Of course we are.
15:49Although I doubt if he'll even turn up.
15:52Hurry it up, Mildred.
15:53My legs are getting cold.
15:54I want a perfect crease, George.
15:58By the time I've finished, you'll be able to slice tomatoes with it.
16:04George, why are you whitening your plimps cells?
16:07You said you wanted me to look smart.
16:13Go and put your best shoes on.
16:14Oh, no, they hurt me feet last time.
16:16Only because you left the shoe horn in them.
16:18Here you are, George.
16:23There we are.
16:24Have you washed your moustache?
16:26What?
16:26Yeah.
16:27Yeah, of course I have.
16:28It's trouble with you, Mildred.
16:30You always try to...
16:31Oh!
16:31Oh!
16:31They're hot.
16:36All right.
16:37And they've got a perfect crease in them, George.
16:40So don't go bending your legs.
16:43Well, suppose they offer me a chair.
16:44What do I do?
16:44Stand on it?
16:45Use your initiative.
16:49Right.
16:49There's your clean, Anki.
16:50That's it.
16:51That's it.
16:52I'd like to give you a little brush down.
16:56Oh, George.
16:58I mean, look at this lot.
17:00You're molting.
17:01I mean, can't you use a new hair cream?
17:04Try Araldite.
17:05You don't leave a man much dignity, do you, Mildred?
17:10Oh, George.
17:11Don't be so silly.
17:12Oh, get on.
17:14Right.
17:15Now, let's have a look at you.
17:16Come on.
17:17Give us a twirl.
17:18No.
17:18Come on.
17:19Yes, yes.
17:25Who's a clever little dick, then?
17:28Who's wearing a red tie?
17:30I like it.
17:32Blue.
17:32Oh, George.
17:33All this messing about, just for a cheap holiday.
17:37Oh, George, it'll be worth it.
17:39And I know you won't let me down.
17:42Because I'm coming with you.
17:48We don't usually vet people like this, you know.
17:50Well, this man needs vetting, believe me.
17:53Thank you, Penelope.
17:54But is it really necessary?
17:56In this case, yes.
17:57I've told you, he's a lefty.
17:59Ah, thank you.
18:00I'd better see if he's arrived.
18:01Yes.
18:01I think I'll adjust the lighting.
18:12All a bit mastermind, isn't it?
18:14Mr. and Mrs. Roper.
18:16Mrs.
18:17Oh, good afternoon.
18:19Excuse me.
18:19Let me get you a chair.
18:20Yes.
18:22You know Mr. Boyd.
18:23Of course.
18:24And this is Mr. West, our chairman.
18:27How do you do?
18:28How do you do, I'm sure.
18:32Do sit down.
18:33Oh, thank you.
18:36Would you like a cup of tea?
18:38Oh, most kind.
18:41Mr. Roper?
18:42I wish to join the party because it upholds the freedom of the people.
18:45Not yet.
18:49Milk, no sugar.
18:50Now, this is, of course, completely informed.
18:57Oh, right.
18:58See, I could have worn me blimsels.
18:59Oh.
19:01We're just like a little chat about your political views.
19:05Oh, he's very much one of you.
19:09Aren't you, George?
19:09Oh, yeah.
19:10I'm all for subsidising caviar, top acts, hanging and flogging, especially trade unions.
19:16Do you have any views on the assignment of fiscal powers and the controversy over devolution?
19:22Oh, yeah, definitely.
19:23Yeah.
19:27What are they?
19:29Well, er, er, same as yours.
19:32Ah.
19:33Well, mine are considered rather unorthodox by the party hierarchy.
19:37Oh, so are is.
19:38Oh, yes.
19:39What about the unions?
19:40Oh, well, I'll go along with that fellow, you know, Sir Keith, what's name?
19:43Joseph?
19:44Yeah, Sir Joseph, what's name?
19:45Yeah, I'll go along with him.
19:46So you're against the closed shop?
19:48Oh, absolutely.
19:48Especially on Sunday when you run out of firelighters.
19:54Well, er, perhaps I'd better answer for him.
19:56He, er, he doesn't always know what he thinks.
20:00He's doing very well.
20:01Hang on, Mildy, I could speak for myself.
20:04I think I reckon it's about time that all the bloated capitalists, see, like yourselves,
20:07were given a fair crack of the whip.
20:10I mean, let's say at one stroke that all men were born more equal than others.
20:13If you squeeze our pips, do we not bleed?
20:16Er, well, Mr.
20:17England.
20:19Our England.
20:20England.
20:21This precious jewel set in a sea of troubles.
20:23Oh, look.
20:26We may never see the pound in our pocket in our lifetime again.
20:30But let there be light, even though they're going out all over Europe.
20:33Yes.
20:36Er, perhaps Mrs. Roper should answer for him.
20:40Quite.
20:41Erm, Europe.
20:43How do you feel about coming out of the market?
20:45Well, I usually come out of Kingston Street, see.
20:49Then I turn left by the war memorial.
20:51The EEC.
20:53Yeah, the EEC war memorial, yeah.
20:55Then I'll go right.
20:56Thank you, Mr. Roper.
20:57I think we've heard enough.
20:59But surely if you turn right, it's a one-way street.
21:01Thank you, Penelope.
21:03Bernard, shall we...
21:04Yes, no.
21:07Excuse us.
21:08How do you feel about this, Sir Theodore?
21:11He seems perfectly harmless to me.
21:13The man's a fool.
21:14That has never been a bar to enter in politics.
21:19I made a distinct impression there, Mildred.
21:21Yes, I'm afraid you did.
21:22Do you think it'd help if I did my impersonation of Teddy?
21:25No.
21:27Yes, well, now.
21:28First of all, thank you for coming along to see us.
21:33And you'll be pleased to know that we voted
21:35that you shall be allowed to join the association
21:37by a majority of two to one.
21:40So, um...
21:41Welcome.
21:42Oh, yeah.
21:43Right.
21:44That's good.
21:44Right, well, now we're in,
21:46I'd like to put our name down for the cheap trip.
21:49Cheap trip?
21:50Uh, yes, the package tour to Mallorca.
21:54Though it does seem a bit early to mention it.
21:56Oh, Mallorca.
21:57Yes, yes.
21:58Geoffrey.
21:59Oh, the package tour.
22:01Of course.
22:03Sorry.
22:04Fully booked up.
22:04Weeks ago.
22:05What?
22:06Not a place left.
22:07Sorry.
22:08Oh, but...
22:09You mean I joined your lot for nothing?
22:11I wouldn't quite say that.
22:13There is the question of your subscription.
22:15Well, hey, you'll be lucky.
22:16I found that very humiliating, Mildred.
22:22So did I.
22:24EEC War Memorial.
22:27Well.
22:28Hey, you do have to turn right.
22:31Anyway, don't let's quarrel about it, Mildred.
22:34Let's be friends for once, eh?
22:35Oh, well.
22:37All right then, George.
22:39Little fingers.
22:40Oh, yeah.
22:40Oh, aye.
22:40No, no, no.
22:42No, I'm sorry about my joker,
22:43but you wouldn't have liked it, all that sun and that.
22:45You know you always peel.
22:47You'd have a nose like a rotten pineapple.
22:50You know how to flatter a woman, George.
22:53Anyway, it's boring flying.
22:54You can't see anything.
22:55You could, if you opened your eyes.
22:57We're better off in Blackpool with our own sort.
23:00Yeah, I'll tell you what I do, Mildred.
23:01I'll phone Mrs Madoon right now, see, and book her holiday.
23:04How's that?
23:04Oh, bliss!
23:12How did it go?
23:13You'll never believe this, Anne.
23:14He wanted to join our association just to go on that tour to Mallorca.
23:20Surely not.
23:21He could have been in the room next to us,
23:23drunk and singing at two o'clock in the morning.
23:25And you know those Spanish hotels?
23:27You can even hear the beds creak.
23:28I don't think we'd have been bothered much by that.
23:30Well, he's not coming.
23:33Well, why not?
23:34There's plenty of room on the trip.
23:36Is there?
23:37Is there really?
23:38Well, you should know.
23:39You're organising it.
23:40Well, he's not eligible.
23:41He's resigned.
23:42Oh, I've brought back some more of our pamphlets for Tristram.
23:45Oh, good.
23:46He's been asking for them.
23:47Has he really?
23:48Hmm.
23:48Says they're very useful.
23:50Useful?
23:51For what?
23:51Oh, all sorts of things.
23:53Hmm?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56PHONE RINGS
24:02PHONE RINGS
24:04PHONE RINGS
24:06PHONE RINGS
24:08I've phoned Mrs Muldoon, Mildred.
24:11And?
24:11We can't get in.
24:12She says she's fully booked up.
24:13She says the whole town's booked up.
24:15But why?
24:16Well, they're holding a conference there.
24:18Who are?
24:18The bloody Labour Party.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:20APPLAUSE
24:48look at all people.
24:50這樣子
24:50They should be in Happy New Year's zone.
24:52The main one.
24:53They're being organised.
24:53It's beautiful.
24:54They study in there.
24:55And you eat and drink.
24:56thứ keine
24:57Whether it's forjällix
24:58orcuss
24:59players
25:02or �ILL
25:02or
25:04a
25:05maybe
25:05or
25:06whatever
25:07Like
25:08like
25:09child
25:10underneath
25:10the
25:12head
25:13Oh,
25:14social
25:15attending
25:15поч
25:16at
25:16blah
25:17communities
25:17сдел
Comments