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00:00It's a good idea, is this, giving us all a psychiatric test?
00:18You want them mad, but not too mad.
00:22That's just what I'm like. Everybody says that.
00:24They say, Arthur, you're mad, you, but you're not too mad.
00:27You're just the right amount of mad for whatever this programme is you're doing.
00:34Celebrity flat share.
00:36That's the one.
00:37Yes, sir, we're just going to have a little chat
00:39to check that you'll be able to withstand the day-to-day rigours of life in the flat
00:42with whichever celebrity has chosen to go in with you.
00:45I've been getting a lot of offers like this
00:47ever since I punched that politician in the head.
00:50I suppose you're here to make sure I don't start punching whoever else you get.
00:55Chris Acaboosey or whatnot.
00:56Well, the main thing is...
00:58I can honestly say, hand on heart, I would only punch Chris Acaboosey if he started it.
01:04Well, that's good, isn't it?
01:05So, I do hope that set your mind at rest on the Acaboosey front.
01:10Absolutely.
01:11My dear, that is a bit of a coup, getting him on board.
01:13How did you manage that?
01:14No, he's not.
01:16Why does he have a problem with me?
01:17What have I ever done to him?
01:20I've never even met the man.
01:22If you ask me, it's him you should be having a word with, going around, saying that.
01:33Let's try some word association, shall we?
01:36I'll say a word and you say the first word that comes into your head.
01:39Bollocks.
01:39Oh, I'm sorry.
01:42Let's carry on.
01:45Did Les Dennis do this?
01:47It's a requirement, yes.
01:49You don't know what he scored, do you?
01:50No, no.
01:51There isn't a score as such.
01:53It's not that kind of test.
01:54Oh, failed it, did he?
01:56I thought so.
01:57This is not something you can fail.
01:59Now, please.
02:01Tennis.
02:05Penis.
02:05Penis.
02:07Penis.
02:08That's not a word.
02:09It is.
02:10It isn't.
02:10It is.
02:11It isn't.
02:11It is.
02:12I've watched them playing it.
02:13You've watched them playing tennis.
02:15Who?
02:18What?
02:20Who've I watched playing tennis?
02:22I don't know.
02:23Well, how do you expect me to know?
02:26Did you mean penis?
02:27I beg your pardon.
02:29Did you mean penis?
02:31How dare you?
02:32Anyway, that's not a word.
02:33It is.
02:34It isn't.
02:34It is.
02:35Oh, yes, it is.
02:36Er, yeah, right.
02:38It's one of those words that sounds strange when you say it out of context.
02:42Let's move on, shall we?
02:43Penis.
02:44Oh, er, er, please, yes.
02:47What programme?
02:49Celebrity Flatshare.
02:51Hmm.
02:51I haven't seen it.
02:52Well, it's a programme that categorises Arthur as a celebrity.
02:55Of course you haven't seen it.
02:55But he's not doing it.
02:57What?
02:57The programme.
02:58He was in this morning and he was so angry about it.
03:02It was great fun.
03:02He failed the psychiatric evaluation.
03:06He's demanding to see it.
03:09Oh.
03:10What's all this?
03:11Well, because Arthur now thinks he's a celebrity, I'm getting all of his mail.
03:15He doesn't want to give his address out to anyone anymore because of lunatics.
03:19Arthur is afraid of lunatics.
03:22Have you made your mind up yet?
03:24Oh.
03:24I just don't know.
03:26Oh, I'm losing the will to live.
03:28I tell you why he failed the brain test.
03:30He's unstable.
03:31He's too dangerous to be on television.
03:32No, Arthur's lovely.
03:34He is deranged.
03:36Can't it be something in the middle?
03:38Lovely and deranged?
03:39Oh, you English.
03:41What?
03:41You love to sit on the fence.
03:43Pick a side, for God's sake.
03:44Yes, and please, please, Michael, will you make a...
03:47Oh, I'm sorry, Sinem.
03:48I just don't know.
03:51Um...
03:51Okay, I will have a little bit of milk.
03:56Yes, please.
03:58Sinem, can I have a glass of water for Eggy, please?
04:01Is everything all right?
04:02Oh, not really.
04:03Some bloke came round to fix his boiler, made him sign to pay him by the hour, and then he
04:07took him for 200 quid.
04:08Boiler isn't even fixed.
04:10I'm so stupid.
04:11Have a swar on yourself, mate.
04:13What, 200 pounds?
04:15He stood over me at the cash point.
04:17Said he'd call a policeman if I didn't pay.
04:19Eggy, he's got no fault.
04:21It's what they do.
04:22Sinem, remember when this happened to Mum?
04:24Oh, yeah.
04:25If I could get my hands on him.
04:27I think we've seen the last of him round here.
04:29And what's the chances of somebody else we know using the same guy?
04:37Yeah, I can see the problem.
04:38Relatively simple fix.
04:39Should be out of your hair in an hour or so.
04:41First celebrity flat share falls through, then my boiler packs in.
04:44Bit of terrible month, this has.
04:46Yeah.
04:47So, just have to get the paperwork out of the way.
04:49Do you know, it's funny.
04:50I always thought I'd make a good plumber.
04:52Oh, yeah?
04:52I don't know why.
04:54Perhaps it's because I'm a strong swimmer.
04:58Here, now, you might be able to tell me this.
05:00Do they have plumbers on submarines?
05:02Oh, do they.
05:03Because there's a twisted logic going on there, isn't there?
05:06It's like they're in the pipe, trying to keep the water outside.
05:10No, rather than on the outside, trying to keep the water in.
05:15Are the exams different, do you think?
05:16Because it is a different discipline, isn't it?
05:18Yeah.
05:19So, anyway, can you just sign this?
05:20Oh, hello.
05:22The penny's dropped, has it?
05:24Oh, I get this all the time.
05:26Never mind your bit of paper.
05:27I've got some photos over here.
05:29I'll sign one of these for you.
05:30No, no.
05:32I need you to sign this so I can start.
05:34What did you say your name was again?
05:35Yeah, it's Phil, but look...
05:36To Phil.
05:37Oh, I'll never forget all the laughs, Arthur.
05:43I don't want your autograph.
05:44Oh, it's for a friend, is it?
05:45What's his name?
05:46No.
05:47Oh, or her name.
05:49Is there a Mrs. Phil you haven't told me about?
05:53No.
05:54It's all right, you're entitled to a private life.
05:56I've obviously touched a nerve there.
05:59I'll not prod you further.
06:01What did you say her name was?
06:03I need you to sign this so I can't bloody charge you.
06:06Well, why didn't you say so?
06:07Wasting me time asking me for me autograph for your wife.
06:11I didn't.
06:11Why can't I just be an ordinary person for once?
06:16Must I constantly be harassed by members of the public
06:19trying to get something from me?
06:22I'm just a regular Joe, like you, Phil.
06:25Well, not like you, because I'm famous and you're a plumber.
06:29But I do have a life, you know.
06:32Joe, I can't keep signing autographs morning, noon and night
06:36for you and your wife.
06:37Just sign the document.
06:39All right, all right.
06:40Have you got a pen?
06:41You've got it.
06:42No, I haven't.
06:42You just signed your autograph with it.
06:44You didn't want my autograph.
06:45I know I didn't.
06:46Then why would I sign an autograph?
06:48I don't know, you just did.
06:49Did I?
06:50Yes.
06:51Oh, wait a minute, there it is.
06:52Yes, there.
06:53There you are, that's for you.
06:54I don't want it.
06:56You just asked me for it.
06:58I asked for the pen.
06:59Oh, there you go.
07:01No, I don't want the pen.
07:02You just said you did.
07:03I wanted it for you.
07:04Oh, thank you very much.
07:06To sign, to sign.
07:08I've not done that yet.
07:10No!
07:10Well, that's because I've not seen your credentials.
07:14I don't sign just anything, you know.
07:16There are a lot of funny people out there.
07:20Oh, no.
07:21Where are my glasses?
07:22I look at photos.
07:23There's no glass in those.
07:41What possible use are those?
07:45I'll just put them carefully back.
07:46These are the ones with no glass in them.
08:00What possible use are those?
08:03I'll just put them carefully back.
08:07Oh, listen.
08:09You sound like you might look like the photo I can't see on your identity card,
08:14so I'll trust you.
08:14All right, it's a standard document.
08:16It just states you've agreed to have the work done
08:18and that you'll pay the usual rate upon receipt of the signature.
08:21Right-o.
08:23There we go.
08:26Now, you'll have a cup of tea before you start, won't you?
08:29That'd be lovely, Arthur.
08:30All work and no play makes Jack and Jill went up the hill
08:35and put a pail of water on.
08:39Won't be a tick.
08:40We'll take your time.
08:41Steve, it's Phil.
08:44Hello, mate.
08:44Yeah, that's a goer at Rossier Street.
08:46Oh, great.
08:47Might get a couple of days out of this one.
08:49He's off his nut.
08:49Oh, that's good.
08:51Listen, better take the card out of the newsagents.
08:54I think more than two jobs in the same area is pushing it.
08:56You're all right, sir.
08:57Yeah, see ya.
08:58Oh, that's good.
09:28Hello, Phil.
09:35Would you like sugar and a biscuit?
09:38Because I'm afraid I don't have either of those things.
09:44You can't hide from this scene, him.
09:47Manipulative and cunning.
09:48Volant!
09:49Grandiose sense of self.
09:51What's this?
09:52From a website about serial killers.
09:55Listen, who does this remind you of?
09:57Lack of remorse, shame or guilt.
10:00Arthur.
10:01Arthur's definitely Arthur.
10:02Poor behavioural controls.
10:03Lack of realistic life plan.
10:05Parasitic lifestyle.
10:07These are the core qualities of a sociopath.
10:10The core qualities of a sociopath.
10:13I tell you, he's a time bomb.
10:15He's dangerous.
10:16Tick, tick, tick.
10:17He is one of the sweetest people we get in here.
10:19Michael, please.
10:20Get off the fence, fence boy!
10:24Listen.
10:25Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause
10:27does not accept blame themselves
10:29but blames others for acts they have obviously committed.
10:34It's like he's in the room.
10:37Oh.
10:38What is it?
10:39It's from the TV people.
10:41OK.
10:41I think it might be a psychiatric evaluation.
10:45Open it!
10:46Who has poor behavioural controls?
10:49You can't read it.
10:50No, no, no.
10:51Of course I can't.
10:51No, that would be like...
10:53secretly looking right into his mind.
10:56Open it!
10:57You can't.
10:58No, no, of course not.
10:59It'd be an outrageous breach of trust.
11:01No, it'd be like...
11:02finally finding out once and for all
11:04the true nature of Count Arthur Strong.
11:08Michael!
11:08Thanks for the tea, Arthur.
11:20Oh, it's all right, is it?
11:21I didn't make one for myself
11:22because of what the water looked like.
11:24Well, I expect you'll be wanting to, you know...
11:43Yeah, well, it won't fix itself, will it?
11:45Do you know where the stop cook is?
11:46It's through that door there.
11:48Here, I'll make you another cup of that tea you like.
11:50Yeah, that'd be lovely.
12:08Hey!
12:16Hey!
12:16What?
12:24Read it.
12:25No.
12:25Why not?
12:26Because.
12:27Sina told me not to.
12:28And she's right.
12:30And she's looking at us.
12:33And she's walking towards us.
12:35What?
12:48Very, very funny joke. Very, very funny.
12:51I like funny jokes.
12:57Well, you like this one?
12:59It's a bit of a man's joke.
13:09It's a little bit crude. Wouldn't want you to...
13:12Well, I can take it.
13:16It's really very crude.
13:19It's horrible.
13:21Oh, it's horrible. Come on, then.
13:25Okey-dokey. You asked for that?
13:29LAUGHTER
13:34What do you call...
13:36birds, girls, who...
13:40enjoy...
13:42assignations...
13:44with...
13:46gentlemen of...
13:48questionable repute?
13:51I don't know.
13:54Rotten ladies.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:05Give me that!
14:06He has to read it to me!
14:08Leave me alone, both of you. I'm not going to read it.
14:11Read it.
14:19Read it.
14:20Don't read it.
14:21Shut up. Both of you.
14:22Tell you.
14:23One day he's really going to hurt someone.
14:25And you guys will be to blame.
14:28Just wait and see.
14:29Tick, tick, tick.
14:32Oh.
14:45Oh.
14:52Ah.
14:53Hello!
15:23You've come round. That's good.
15:26What's going on?
15:27You fell down the cellar steps.
15:29There was one missing. I forgot to tell you about that.
15:32The people that have fallen down those cellar steps.
15:35I'm just about to fix it.
15:37What have you done with my legs?
15:38Ah, no. I've took the precaution of putting splints on them,
15:42just in case they're broken.
15:44Just some old bits of fencing and rope I had lying about.
15:47Don't worry, those knocks are completely secure.
15:50I used a double-barrel hitch and a fisherman's knob.
15:55Houdini himself would not be able to get out of those.
15:58Oh, yes.
15:59Where are my clothes? Did you put me in these pyjamas?
16:02I did, yes. A friend gets me them from the hospital.
16:05Well, they'd only incinerate them if I didn't have them.
16:08What? Did someone die in these?
16:10They did, yes. You wouldn't think in this day and age you could die of psoriasis.
16:14God! God!
16:16Now, can I get you anything?
16:18Yes! You can get me out of this right now!
16:21Oh, no, no, Phil. You're still in a state of shock.
16:24I'm no doctor, but freeing you now would result in a massive heart attack.
16:31Is there anything else I can do for you?
16:33My phone. Get me my phone.
16:35Your phone? Right. Now, that I can do.
16:37Where would I find that?
16:38It was in my jacket pocket.
16:39Oh, no, there was nothing in your jacket.
16:41It must have come out when you fell.
16:43Well, it's in the cellar, then.
16:44Right-o.
16:44And my wallet. Yeah, get me that. There was a lot of money in it.
16:47Right-o, Phil. Your wallet and your phone are right at the top of my to-do list.
16:53After you've had some lovely soup.
16:55I don't want any soup.
16:57Just get me my clothes.
16:58Ah, your clothes.
17:02I'm afraid there's not much left of your clothes.
17:06Why?
17:07I had to cut them off with some scissors.
17:10What for?
17:11I saw it on an episode of Casualty.
17:14Don't not stop in here.
17:16Now, now, Phil, I don't want to hear another word about it.
17:19You can stay here as long as it takes.
17:21Now I'll get you that soup.
17:23I don't want any soup.
17:24And after you've eaten it all up, we can have a game of Cluedo.
17:28Oh, it's lovely having people to stay.
17:32Cluedo doesn't work with two people.
17:43Here we are.
17:44Some lovely homemade soup.
17:46This will put hairs on your head.
17:49Did you get my phone?
17:50I did, yes.
17:51I found it.
17:52Oh, this is a snazzy one, isn't it?
17:55Can I have it?
17:56Does it take photos and all that?
17:58Because some of them do, you know.
17:59I saw one with the calculator.
18:03Oh, it does.
18:04Shall we do a selfie like they did at the Oscars?
18:06Can you give me it?
18:16Hang on a minute.
18:24Hey, you know, years ago, this phone would have had wires on it
18:27and it would have been connected to the wall.
18:30And you wouldn't have been able to take photographs on it.
18:33That would have been called a camera.
18:36Oh, we lived in a different world.
18:40Please give me my phone.
18:41Not until you've had a bit of soup.
18:44I don't want soup.
18:45Now, now, you've got to eat your soup or you'll grow effeminate.
18:50Not that there's anything wrong with that.
18:52I just want my phone.
18:54No, I'm going to have to be firm.
18:56Soup first, then phone.
18:57Ah, go on, then.
18:59Here, I'll give you a hand.
19:04Oh!
19:06I'll blow on it, then.
19:12Oh, I'm sorry, Phil.
19:13Oh, it's gone all over your pyjamas.
19:15Here, let me wipe it up.
19:17Nothing worse than beef broth over a dead man's jim-jams.
19:22I don't even want soup.
19:23Just give me my phone.
19:25Oh, all right.
19:27But as soon as you finish your call,
19:30you eat your soup.
19:36Oh, never mind, Phil.
19:38There's lots more soup where that came from.
19:42Boil up some more bones.
19:44Oh, no, no.
20:00Oh, no.
20:02Stop.
20:03Oh, no, no.
20:08Oh, no, no.
20:10Help!
20:40Oh, Phil, what are you doing there?
20:56That's you back in bed as if nothing ever happened.
20:59Oh, God!
21:01I have to say, I'm a tiny bit annoyed with you.
21:05There I was downstairs slicing up a nice bit of liver for our dinner
21:09and I heard you thumping about on the floor.
21:11How do you expect to get better with that sort of carry-on?
21:15It won't do, Phil. It won't do at all.
21:18Look, I can't stay here.
21:20You've got to phone my office and let them know what's happened.
21:23You've got a phone, haven't you?
21:25Of course I have.
21:26I get most of my offers of work over the phone.
21:28You can't be without a phone in my profession.
21:31Then please, call my office.
21:33How am I supposed to do that?
21:34With the phone?
21:35It's been disconnected.
21:37Oh, hang on a second.
21:39There's a phone box outside.
21:41I can nip out to that and tell your office what's happened.
21:44Thank you. Thank you.
21:46I have to say, you're doing awfully well, Phil.
21:49I'm very impressed with how you haven't tried to scratch
21:52what must be by now extremely itchy legs.
21:56No, no, why?
21:58Because when my friend was in a similar situation to you,
22:01after a disastrous attempt to disrupt the Grand National,
22:04he would not stop going on about his excruciatingly itchy legs.
22:10My legs are driving me mad, he would say.
22:13It feels like ants are crawling up and down them, nipping me incessantly.
22:17Yeah, yeah, I can feel something.
22:20Oh, for goodness sake, you don't want to start thinking about it.
22:23Thinking about it would make it far, far worse.
22:26You don't want that.
22:28Anyway, I'll phone your office.
22:30Tell them you won't be in for a few weeks.
22:33No!
22:36It's happening.
22:37What's happening?
22:38The time bomb is going off.
22:39What are you talking about?
22:40There's a man in Arthur's house.
22:42I saw him.
22:43I saw a hand.
22:44What do you mean, a hand?
22:45In the window, I saw a hand reaching for help.
22:47I don't want to hear it.
22:48Maybe it's Arthur.
22:49He might be hurt.
22:50I'm going to check he's all right.
22:52I'm coming with you.
22:57We have to jimmy the lock.
22:59I've got a key, jimmy the lock.
23:07Arthur!
23:08What are you doing?
23:09What are you doing?
23:10What are you doing?
23:11Don't warn him.
23:12We are coming.
23:13We might be hurt.
23:14We might hurt us.
23:17Look.
23:21A box full of glasses.
23:23The glasses of all the people he has killed.
23:26No, no, no.
23:27I'm sure they're Arthur's.
23:28Look at this.
23:29What possible use are these?
23:32I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of it.
23:39Let's open the letter.
23:47Poor behavioural controls.
23:49Act of remorse, shame.
23:51Or guilt.
23:52He's a remorseless, shameless, non-guilty monster.
23:55End this, Michael.
23:56We'll end this, Michael.
23:58We'll end this, Michael.
23:59We'll end this, Michael.
24:05Oh, this is ridiculous.
24:06I know, Arthur.
24:07I don't care what that letter says.
24:09Just put the whisk away before you hurt someone.
24:11Help!
24:16Please!
24:17Please, help me!
24:19Oh!
24:21What's going on?
24:22You see?
24:23You see?
24:24Get these off of me!
24:25Before he comes back!
24:26There's a knife over there!
24:27Arthur did this to you?
24:29He's a monster!
24:30Aha!
24:32Where's he gone?
24:33What's happened?
24:34These pyjamas are from the hospital.
24:35Somebody died in them.
24:38Arthur did this to your legs?
24:39Yeah.
24:40He said he saw it on Casualty.
24:42He was going to make me play Cluedo with him!
24:46Cluedo doesn't work with two people.
24:49I know!
24:51Oh, my God.
24:52You've got to help me!
24:53He's a sociopath.
24:54He's an actual real Silence of the Lambs-style sociopath.
24:58It's been awful.
24:59It was like he wanted me to stay here forever with him.
25:03Whatever I said, he just...
25:05Don't worry.
25:06You're safe with us.
25:07I'm back, Phil!
25:10Whoa!
25:13I hope you didn't miss me too much!
25:16I think your office was closed for the night.
25:20How about I mash a banana up for you with a bit of milk?
25:24Would you like to try that?
25:26He thinks he's feeding a baby!
25:28I'll be up in a minute, just hanging me coat up!
25:33What are we going to do?
25:34What are we going to do?
25:35Quick!
25:36The window!
25:37Window!
25:38You can climb out the front!
25:39My legs are numb!
25:41Phil, hold him!
25:42I've left a message that told you at work!
25:44There's been a death in the family!
25:48They don't need to know the details, do they?
25:51Quick!
25:52Quick!
25:53Hurry up!
25:54Quickly!
25:55Phil!
25:56Where are you?
25:57Are you hiding?
26:10Are you hiding?
26:11Ha-ha-ha-ha!
26:22Ha-ha-ha-ha!
26:23It was very strange, Eggie.
26:38He just ran off and left all this behind.
26:41But if it was the same man, I'd say he was almost asking me to return this money to you,
26:47along with an extra hundred for all the trouble he caused you.
26:50Oh, Arthur, I don't know what to say.
26:56There's nothing to say, Eggie.
26:57It's just one of those things.
27:00So he was the same guy that was supposed to fix Eggie's boiler?
27:04Yeah, it would appear so.
27:05And Arthur didn't know that.
27:07He says he didn't.
27:08He knew.
27:09Oh, he didn't.
27:11I told you, Arthur's just a sweet old man.
27:14He's a psychopath.
27:16What do you think, Michael?
27:17I'm still on the fence.
27:32I tell you, being trapped in that house with that old man,
27:36somehow the whole experience just changed my life.
27:39I quit that place.
27:41Now I run my own company.
27:42All legitimate.
27:43No more scamming for me.
27:44I'm glad to hear that.
27:48Such a terrible experience, though.
27:51Do you ever think about it?
28:02Who ordered the soup?
28:04She did.
28:06I don't like soup.
28:08I don't like soup.
28:38Transcription by CastingWords
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