- 6 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00So, I'm asking everybody if they have a favourite Max Baker story.
00:21Ah, well, how much time have you got? So many stories.
00:25Great, great. Just say them into the tape recorder.
00:29Well, I suppose the one I remember about you, Dad, is you know how Max could be a bit competitive?
00:35Yes. Yes, I do.
00:38Well, he bought me a table tennis table when I was 12.
00:42I was quite good at it.
00:44One night, he asked me for a game, and I won.
00:47He couldn't bear it.
00:49He made me play him again and again, game after game.
00:53And I kept winning, even when I tried not to.
00:55So, all night we played.
00:59Long after my bedtime, my arm ached.
01:04Finally threw the paddle down, walked out without a word.
01:08Didn't say goodnight or anything.
01:11A few days later, I came home, and he'd given the table away to children in need.
01:14Anyway, funny stories. Off you go.
01:28Sorry about this, Michael. I would have given you more time, but I'm producing a radio play this morning.
01:32I've got to get back.
01:33Oh, no, that's fine. You've given me more than enough.
01:35Oh, but before we go, take a look at this.
01:38Oh, goodness, there they are.
01:40Arthur's still wearing that hat.
01:44Arthur? What, he's still alive?
01:46Oh, yes, yes, he's, er, he's very, very alive.
01:52He's, er, he's helping me with my book.
01:54What, what, what does he, er, what does he do with himself, then?
01:57Er, well, he likes to think he's still in the business, but, er, as far as I can tell, he's just a highly functioning psychopath.
02:03Actually, that's not true. He's not highly functioning.
02:06Oh, sorry, excuse me.
02:09Hello, Rachel.
02:11Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
02:13What, what's, what, what's happened?
02:15Oh, you're joking.
02:17Rachel, you're joking.
02:21Listen, Arthur, er, all right, I'll just come out and say it.
02:25Somebody's asked me to ask you if you'd be interested in doing a few lines in a radio play today.
02:29There, I've done it.
02:30I have passed the message on.
02:32Whatever happens now is nothing to do with me.
02:34Oh, could I have a, er, tea and toast, please, Seenum?
02:37All the details are on there.
02:39What, a radio play?
02:41Me?
02:42They, they asked for me.
02:43I know, I was the same way.
02:46Apparently the actor was going to do it that's had an accident or something.
02:49That's brilliant!
02:51Will I have time for breakfast?
02:53Er, no, not really.
02:54Oh, never mind.
02:55I'll get Bullunk to do me a pocket breakfast.
02:58What's a pocket breakfast?
02:59John, have you heard that?
03:00I've just landed the lead role in a radio play.
03:04It's not the lead role, it's literally two lines.
03:07What's a pocket breakfast?
03:08Two lines?
03:09Well, that's something we'll have to discuss.
03:11No, it really is just two lines.
03:13They're written down there.
03:14Er, no, I'll just get my reading glasses.
03:17Er, no, it's not those.
03:20Er, no, it's definitely not those.
03:24Er, no, it's only one.
03:25Er, no, it's only one.
03:27Er, no, it's only one.
03:28Now, here you are.
03:33Er.
03:34I'll read it, I'll read it, for God's sake.
03:47Right, you just have to say, I'm sorry and goodbye, Samantha.
03:51That sounds doable. I'm sorry, Sarah.
03:55What was the other one?
03:56No, Samantha.
03:57No, Samantha.
03:59It's goodbye, Sarah.
04:01Goodbye, Sarah.
04:02Sorry, Samantha, you said Sarah.
04:04Sorry, Samantha, you said Sarah.
04:06No.
04:06It's a bigger part than you had me believe.
04:08No, it's not. It is just two lines. I'm sorry.
04:12There's nothing for you to be sorry about.
04:14It's their fault for not making it clearer.
04:17That's the line. That's what you have to...
04:19Hello. Oh, hello, Sheila.
04:25Bullunt, I want to change me order. I'll have a pocket breakfast.
04:29We're not supposed to be meeting, are we?
04:31No, no, nothing like that. Have you heard about Ronald Harrison?
04:34Oh, he's not won another bloody award, has he?
04:36Oh, God, that's so unfair.
04:39Did you read his last one, Sheila? I couldn't finish it.
04:42Oh, God, I hate him.
04:44And he's younger than me.
04:45He's had a massive heart attack.
04:47Oh, that's awful.
04:51He's just won that award.
04:52Oh, that's so unfair.
04:54I must finish his book.
04:56A heart attack?
04:57But he's younger than me.
04:59It happened while he was doing a photo shoot for an observer profile.
05:03Oh, for...
05:03Oh!
05:04I thought you should know in case you want to send a card.
05:09Yes, of course.
05:10Thank you, Sheila.
05:12So, John, sorry, can I just borrow your newspaper a minute?
05:16Are you all right?
05:16Er, yeah, just a bit prolaxed.
05:19It's, um, a writer, Ronald Harrison.
05:21There's a friend of mine.
05:23He currently had a heart attack.
05:25There's nothing about it in here.
05:30This is some sort of horse newspaper.
05:34It's a race in post.
05:39Here you go.
05:40Ronald Harrison.
05:42Yeah.
05:43He looks like an old boyfriend of mine.
05:45Really?
05:46Well, that's...
05:48That's your time.
05:50Not anymore.
05:51Er, he was one of these big babies.
05:53He wanted to be taken care of.
05:55Needed a mum, not a girlfriend.
05:56Oh, I hate that.
05:57Yeah.
05:58Yeah, I bet Ronald's like that as well.
06:00Yeah.
06:00Just a big baby.
06:02Just want somebody to take care of him.
06:05Hmm.
06:05Especially now he's had his heart attack.
06:07Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
06:08I keep on...
06:08What is this?
06:11What is this?
06:13Harrison says the experience has made him re-evaluate his life,
06:16and his next book will be a portrait of his father.
06:19He can't do that.
06:22He can't do a portrait of his father.
06:24I'm doing a portrait of my father.
06:26He's not writing about your father, is he?
06:28Well, are you sure?
06:29Well, because I wouldn't put it past him.
06:31Oh, God, I don't believe this.
06:34Here, Eggie, get a load of this.
06:36I'm doing a play on the radio.
06:38No.
06:39Yes, this is it, Eggie.
06:40My comeback.
06:41Just two lines.
06:43When do we get to hear it?
06:45Er, unfortunately, they have not furnished me with the dates of transmission.
06:48But as soon as...
06:50Oh, for crying out loud.
06:52What's wrong?
06:53I've got to be at home this afternoon.
06:55I'm expecting a delivery.
06:57Here, John, what are you doing today?
06:58Can you wait in at mine for the delivery?
07:00Sorry, Arthur, I've got plouty.
07:05What about you?
07:06What are you doing today?
07:07Writing, working.
07:08I've got to write up all my notes.
07:09Well, you can do that at my house.
07:11No, Arthur, I'm sorry.
07:12But I need a certain environment to work,
07:14and your house is not that.
07:16Please, Michael.
07:17No, definitely not.
07:19Oh, go on.
07:20Oh, all right, then I will.
07:23I need to get changed.
07:24I'll see you back at mine in ten minutes, all right?
07:29Lady, I'll play!
07:34I'm coming.
07:35I'm coming.
07:35I'm coming.
07:44What's up with your door?
07:45It's sticking at the bottom.
07:47I keep meaning to get me plane out and take a bit of it.
07:50In fact, you could do that for me while you're waiting, if you want.
07:53I'm writing up my notes, Arthur.
07:54I'm not going to plane your door.
07:59Where's the sofa?
08:01That's what you're waiting in for.
08:02I've had to get a new one.
08:04Where am I supposed to sit?
08:06How am I supposed to work?
08:08The sofa people won't be long.
08:09They said somewhere between 12 and 5.
08:11Oh, I'm never going to finish this book.
08:14Here, this will cheer you up.
08:16I'll show you the letter your dad and me got from Elvis Presley.
08:20What?
08:20What did he say?
08:22It's in here somewhere.
08:24You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad?
08:27Yeah.
08:27He was a big fan.
08:29Elvis Presley was a fan of my dad?
08:31On me.
08:32We were a double act, remember?
08:33Don't be rewriting me out of history.
08:35Wait a second.
08:36I want to get this right.
08:36You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad.
08:40The Elvis Presley?
08:41Yeah.
08:42Handwritten.
08:43Oh, my God.
08:45This is the thing that'll bring the book to life.
08:48Oh, take that, Ronald bloody Harrison.
08:51Although I'm sorry about your heart attack.
08:53May I?
08:54No, of yourself.
08:54I think it's in that box.
08:56Thank you, Arthur.
08:57Oh, ta-ta, Michael.
08:58Thanks again.
09:04There's no letter in here.
09:06I can't thank you enough, Arthur.
09:20I was really in a bind.
09:21Oh, no, no, no.
09:22Not at all.
09:23Only too happy to help.
09:25And you're saying all these biscuits are free?
09:30What?
09:31Yes, yes.
09:36Arthur, this is Luke, who's playing Paul, our leading man.
09:44Luke, this is Arthur.
09:45Hello, Arthur.
09:45Nice to meet you.
09:47Another day, another job, eh?
09:48Oh, yes.
09:49Oh, jobs, jobs, jobs.
09:52I've got so many jobs.
09:54Big jobs as well.
09:56I've got massive big jobs coming out of the years.
09:59That's impressive.
10:03Who's your agent?
10:05Michael Baker.
10:07Might get his number off you later.
10:09Hi.
10:10Hello.
10:10Ah, Arthur, this is Rachel Goodwin.
10:13Oh, thank goodness for that.
10:15Get the kettle on, love.
10:16I'm gasping.
10:18Our director.
10:20She's directing the piece, Arthur.
10:21Hi.
10:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, no.
10:23I was about to put in your leg.
10:25I know women don't make tea for men anymore.
10:28And if you ask me, it's a disgrace they ever have to.
10:32Thank you so much for helping us out, Arthur.
10:35We only have Dame Agnes for a few hours.
10:38Have you had a chance to read the play?
10:40I haven't, no.
10:41Have you?
10:43Well, I wrote it.
10:45Did you?
10:46Oh, here.
10:46I should just say now, I won't do anything blue.
10:49Unless, of course, my fee was adjusted
10:52to reflect this potentially exciting new direction
10:55for my career, you're suggesting.
10:59Rachel, are you all right to get on?
11:02Thanks, Colin.
11:02Yes, I'll take it from here.
11:05Let me introduce you to the last members of our merry band,
11:09Jennifer Mallison and, of course, Dame Agnes.
11:11Of course.
11:12Very pleased to meet you, Dame Agnes.
11:14Oh, I'm not Dame Agnes.
11:16Oh, of course.
11:17Of course.
11:17You'd be much older, wouldn't you?
11:21This must be her now.
11:24I say, this must be you now.
11:29I can hear you perfectly well, Arthur.
11:32Have you got some sort of device?
11:36I'm sorry?
11:37Do you hear it?
11:38No.
11:39There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
11:41Here.
11:42She was trying to pass herself over to you, you know.
11:44She didn't fool me, though.
11:47I can always tell when someone's been ennobled.
11:50They have a grace, don't they?
11:52An innate grace.
11:54She's not got it.
11:57Please stop shouting, Arthur.
11:58We can all hear you perfectly well.
12:00Oh, right.
12:01I'm sorry, but are any of you going to make the tea?
12:09Nothing.
12:24Oh.
12:27Nothing.
12:29My hypothesis, and it's only a hypothesis,
12:32is that what we're dealing with here
12:34is a morality play.
12:37Yeah.
12:37That's precisely what I was going for,
12:39with each character representing a different vice.
12:44Pride, as seen in Paul,
12:46our manipulative Lothario.
12:48Penelope, whose vanity manifests itself
12:51in everything she says and does.
12:53And Samantha,
12:55the mother whose greed and despair
12:57ultimately lead to her downfall.
13:01Bang on.
13:06Sorry?
13:07I'm just agreeing with the hippopotamus.
13:12Although I have yet, as I say,
13:14to read the play.
13:18Does anyone have any questions so far?
13:20Oh.
13:21Yes, Arthur?
13:23Um, vis-a-vis the lunch situation.
13:26I'm afraid it's up to individuals
13:28to sort out their own lunch.
13:29I was actually...
13:30Oh, I find that very surprising.
13:32Last time I worked for the BBC,
13:34they had a run-in buffet.
13:35Any questions on the play, is what I mean.
13:38Rachel, my character,
13:40tell me if this is way off,
13:41but I see him as
13:42barely able to contain his sexuality.
13:46He could erupt at any moment.
13:48He's like a carnal Vesuvius.
13:51Oh, I love that.
13:55Oh, yes, that's a wonderful image
13:57for us all to keep in our minds
13:59as we proceed.
14:00Dame Agnes,
14:01how do you see your character?
14:03I went home with a whole salmon.
14:07Sorry?
14:09From the buffet.
14:11Must have weighed 20 pounds.
14:12I was eating it for days.
14:16Yes?
14:18Dame Agnes,
14:19any single image?
14:21Some for me breakfast,
14:22some for me dinner,
14:23some for me sodded tea.
14:25I was sick of the sight
14:26of the bloody thing in the end.
14:28Staring at me
14:29with those cold,
14:30accusing eyes.
14:32In the end,
14:32I have no option
14:33but to flush it down
14:35the toilet.
14:39Dame Agnes,
14:41any image?
14:43I'm sorry, Rachel.
14:44All I can see
14:44is a salmon in a toilet.
14:48Is she a bit like that?
14:50Like a salmon
14:51trapped in a toilet?
14:53No, she's not like that.
14:54Not at all.
14:56Can you come back to me?
14:58Jennifer,
14:59how about you?
14:59Like Free Willy.
15:04Except,
15:05instead of a live whale,
15:07it was a dead salmon.
15:09Instead of a little boy
15:11being jumped over,
15:12it was me fricking.
15:13Will you stop
15:13talking about the salmon?
15:16Stop talking about it.
15:17Just stop it.
15:25Who's Colonel Vesuvius?
15:29half a creepy
15:54half a
15:54half a
15:56half left
15:56half a
15:57half a
15:58half a
15:58half a
15:59What are you doing here your mother invited me for the weekend why don't look so shocked darling
16:04It's all perfectly innocent. Samantha. Would you rub some oil on my back? I'm turning into a crisp
16:09I'm going to my room. Hurry Samantha. All right. I'm coming
16:13Are you going to leave your trousers on? I guess I could slip into my trunks. I am on holiday
16:19Goodness look at you. What? Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug
16:26Some privacy, please support support
16:30Sorry, Rachel. I don't understand this bit. It seems very coy of him suddenly to ask her to turn around
16:40Everything else has been
16:43Freighted with sexuality and then he wants some privacy to put his trunks on. I am I don't get it
16:51Um, well, uh, even Paul has limits and here he's exercising his power by
17:02Arbitrarily enforcing those limits
17:07I see
17:08And you don't want everybody staring at you when you're landing gears descending
17:12Let's take it back to I won't peak
17:19All right, I won't peak I promise
17:23You can turn around now
17:27Dear me
17:29How do you keep in such good shape?
17:31Oh, you know swimming
17:33Squat thrusts
17:35Squat thrusts
17:36I'm getting a glass of water
17:40Paul
17:43I need to see you
17:45You're seeing me now
17:46You know what I mean
17:47Do I?
17:47Stop playing games
17:48I'm not playing games. I honestly don't know what you're talking about
17:51I'm talking about us
17:52Us
17:53There is no us
17:55What have you got to say about that then?
18:05Michael
18:06I brought you lunch
18:09As requested
18:10Michael?
18:15Michael?
18:18Michael?
18:19Michael?
18:30That'll be the sofa
18:31Get away from me
18:34You're nothing but a philandering liar
18:36How dare you?
18:37How dare you call me a philandering liar?
18:39You knew what the score was
18:40Don't pretend you didn't
18:41No, don't go
18:43Kiss me
18:44Please
18:45Please kiss me
18:46It's over, Samantha
18:47Very well if I can't have you
18:50No one else will
18:51You fool
18:56You stupid fool
18:58Mother
19:00What have you done?
19:02He's
19:03Dead
19:04Oh, darling
19:06Darling, I'm sorry
19:07I loved him
19:07I loved him so
19:09So did I, mummy
19:11So did I
19:13Be all right
19:21Let's take a break
19:24Thank you so much, everyone
19:26Arthur
19:27Shall we record your lines now?
19:30Just speak clearly into the microphone
19:33I'm sorry
19:34And the other one
19:37The other one?
19:40The other line
19:41Goodbye, Samantha
19:43Great
19:43Thanks, Arthur
19:44That's all we need for you today
19:46Was that not just a rehearsal?
19:52No, no
19:52You only appear in flashback
19:53And we've got it now
19:54So we can just drop it in
19:55Oh
19:55Oh, right
19:57And that's lunch
19:59We've got a shorter-than-usual lunch break today
20:01Because Dame Agnes has to be away by four
20:04Sorry, everyone
20:05Crisis meeting with my publisher
20:07I've simply got to find a title for my autobiography
20:09Oh, God
20:10So don't go too far
20:12Thanks again, Arthur
20:14Well done, Arthur
20:17Bertie, a spot of lunch
20:20Oh, that's very generous of you
20:21Thank you
20:23There's a pub across the road
20:24Oh, no, I mustn't go to the pub
20:27When I'm working, I'm on the wagon
20:28Made that mistake too many times
20:30Oh, go on
20:30I'll look after you
20:31You can have an orange juice
20:33No, really, I
20:35Really, really mustn't
20:37Her name was Lola
20:39She was a showgirl
20:41Yellow feathers in her hair
20:44And the best of browns and flesh
20:46He took a blank game
20:47And the little cha-cha
20:49How could you?
20:52How could you?
20:53No, no, no
20:54We mustn't be too hard on him
20:55He just seemed to have a very low tolerance
20:58For large amounts of alcohol
21:00Okay, Luke
21:04Oh, come on
21:05Come on, let's go
21:06Oh, no, no
21:07Come on
21:10What am I going to do?
21:14Seriously
21:14If anyone has an idea
21:16Of how I can possibly
21:17Rescue the situation
21:17Please
21:18Do let me know
21:19And
21:26Action
21:27Paul
21:29What are you doing here?
21:30Your mother invited me
21:37For the weekend
21:37Why?
21:41Don't look so shocked, darling
21:42It's all perfectly innocent
21:44Samantha
21:45Would you rub some oil on my back?
21:48I'm turning into some crisps
21:50I'm going to my room
21:54Hurry, Samantha
21:56All right, I'm coming
21:57Are you going to leave your trousers on?
22:00I guess I can't slip into my trucks
22:03I am on me holidays
22:04Goodness
22:07Look at you
22:09What?
22:10Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug
22:12I've never been one for boxing shorts
22:15I prefer a little bit of...
22:17If you know what I mean, day Magnus
22:22Some privacy, please
22:25Spoil sport
22:27All right
22:28I won't peak, I promise
22:30Paul
22:34Now Penelope's gone, I can ask you
22:36What's going on
22:37What's going on?
22:37Why are you here?
22:38Oh, come on, Samantha
22:41We both know why I'm here
22:44I've always been able to tell
22:46When a woman wants me
22:48You can turn round now
22:52Dear me
22:55How do you keep in such good shape?
22:59Oh, you know
23:00Swimming
23:02Squat thrust
23:03Getting a glass of water
23:05Oh, no
23:07I'm getting a glass of water
23:09I need to see you
23:17You're seeing me now
23:23You know what I mean
23:26Do I?
23:28Stop playing games
23:30I'm not playing games
23:32I honestly don't know what you're talking about
23:36I'm talking about us
23:39There is no horse
23:42She's not right in the head
23:46What were you doing down there, anyway?
23:57I was looking for a fan letter
23:59Elvis Presley wrote my dad
24:00Elvis Presley was a fan of your dad?
24:03Apparently
24:04I thought it might help the book
24:06All this because of Ronald Bloody Harrison
24:09Every time he does something
24:11I have to go one better
24:12It just goes on and on
24:14Back and forth
24:16Like pink
24:16Pong
24:19I'll be my
24:23I'll be mother
24:25I'm not normally like this, you know
24:28I am usually quite capable
24:30It's Arthur
24:32Arthur's done this to me
24:34Arthur's turned me into a baby
24:37Hello?
24:42My client got your client drunk?
24:47I don't have a
24:48Client
24:50No, don't go
24:52Kiss me
24:53Please
24:54Please kiss me
24:56We've got all this to do
25:01After
25:05It's over day, Magnus
25:10Oh, I mean Susan
25:11Sarah
25:12Samantha
25:12Very well
25:15If I can't have you
25:16No one else will
25:17Oh, you fool
25:18You've shot me
25:19Mother
25:25What have you done?
25:26He's
25:33Mother, what have you
25:44He's
25:54He's
26:02He's dead
26:03Oh, darling, darling
26:04I'm sorry
26:05I loved him
26:06I loved him so
26:08So did I, Mummy
26:09So did I
26:11God
26:37Shhh
26:38Shh! It's about to start.
26:41There you go, Arthur.
26:42Oh, goodness me.
26:43Oh, well, it's a double celebration.
26:45Seen them like the chapters I showed her.
26:46Mm, very good.
26:48Oh, I forgot to say, I love that story about the ping-pong table.
26:51So funny.
26:52Oh, your poor dad.
26:54Yeah.
26:55Yeah, poor dad.
26:57Must have been a nightmare living with someone that competitive.
27:01Not really.
27:02It's just who he was.
27:03Well, here, I meant to ask you.
27:05Did you find that letter from Elvis Presley?
27:07No, no, Arthur.
27:09No, I looked and looked, but no sign of it.
27:11I guess it's just one of those that history's swallowed up.
27:15No, not Elvis Presley.
27:17Oh, I'm always doing that.
27:19The other one.
27:20Arthur Sixpence.
27:22Tommy Steele.
27:29Never mind.
27:30It's starting.
27:32Who are you playing, Arthur?
27:34Paul, you can't miss me.
27:35I mean, right from the beginning.
27:38Paul, what are you doing here?
27:40Your mother invited me for the weekend.
27:42Why?
27:43Don't look so shocked, darling.
27:45It's all perfectly...
27:46Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back?
27:49I'm turning into a crisp.
27:51I'm going...
27:52I don't understand.
27:54I thought you were...
27:55Didn't you say you were playing Paul?
27:59That young fellow must have recovered.
28:01They must have recorded it after I left.
28:03Oh, well, it's for the best, I suppose.
28:07Don't know what I was thinking.
28:10Can't take a young lad's job, can I?
28:13He's got his whole career ahead of him.
28:15Not like me.
28:17I'm yesterday's...
28:18news.
28:19I'll never forget his last words to me.
28:24I'm sorry?
28:26Goodbye, Samantha.
28:27Hooray!
28:28Hooray!
28:28Hooray!
28:29Hooray!
28:31applause
Comments