- 21 hours ago
First broadcast 13th November 1974.
Whilst Mildred is visiting family, George tries to evict the three flat-mates by saying that he needs the flat for his (non-existent) aged mother.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Derek Seaton - Agent
Michael Redfern - Removal Man
Ian Sharp - Removal Man
Whilst Mildred is visiting family, George tries to evict the three flat-mates by saying that he needs the flat for his (non-existent) aged mother.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Derek Seaton - Agent
Michael Redfern - Removal Man
Ian Sharp - Removal Man
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Now, don't misunderstand me, Chrissie. I mean, I like girls. You know, they're my favourite opposite sex. I'm just saying that they are different from men.
01:17Yes, helpless feather-brained sex objects. Leave me arse of this.
01:21Listen, it has been proved scientifically that the woman's brain is lighter than the man's.
01:25Perhaps it gets more exercise.
01:26Oh, come on, listen. Where are your female mathematicians, philosophers or writers?
01:31Right. The Bronte sisters, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Jane Austen, um...
01:37Eaton and Blyton. You see, all lightweight stuff. Where's your gulag archipelago?
01:40It's at the base of your spine, isn't it? Leave her out of this.
01:44You see, and chess is the ultimate example. You see, the male mind can cope with it. It's pure applied logic.
01:49You put your queen where your king should be.
01:52Oh, good, good. Yes, you see, I'm just testing you. Just testing you. Well done. Right.
01:56Uh, off you go.
01:59Ah, you're using the Rui Lopez opening.
02:06Might be.
02:07Hello, dears.
02:11Oh, don't let me interrupt you. I'm only on the scrounge again.
02:14Certainly. Sugar tea, coffee on the appropriate shelf.
02:16Suitcase?
02:16On the appropriate wardrobe.
02:17I'll get it for you.
02:18Thank you, love.
02:19You going away?
02:20Yeah, just for the week. My sister's in Pearlie.
02:22Oh, I'm looking forward to it.
02:24Ah, ah, ah. Watch it, Bishop.
02:26Is Mr Rufford going too?
02:27No.
02:28Oh, I am looking forward to it.
02:30Well, Bishop's all right.
02:31It won't be in five moves.
02:33Is she the one with the swimming pool?
02:34Hmm. Kidney-shaped. Well, you know, he's in the meat trade, you know.
02:39It's lucky you didn't doctor cats for a living, isn't it, really?
02:43Yeah, do you know, the last time I was there, I was never out of it.
02:46I tried to persuade George to dive in once, but he wouldn't.
02:49I didn't think he could swim.
02:51He can't.
02:53I'm afraid we've only got two, our best one, and a tatty old thing.
02:56Oh, this tatty old thing are doing me fine, dear.
02:58That's our best one.
02:59Oh. Oh, well, thank you all the same.
03:00I would have taken me own, you see, but I can't shift it since George has varnished the floor.
03:05Bye-bye, have a nice time.
03:06Thank you, dear Aunt Will.
03:07See you, bye.
03:08Bye.
03:08All right.
03:09Ah-ha. Thank you.
03:12I wouldn't worry if I were you.
03:13You'll get that piece back when you change ends at half-time.
03:16I don't know why you're not going, you know.
03:25I mean, it's just that you don't like my sister, that's all.
03:27Oh, isn't Mildred?
03:28Can't stand her husband, either.
03:30Well, he's a show-off fitted carpets in the coal cellar.
03:33Wine cellar, George.
03:35Ah, yeah, that's another thing, isn't it?
03:36All that palaver.
03:37Yeah.
03:38Oh, yeah.
03:39PG tip 74, I think.
03:41With just a hint of co-op silver tops.
03:43Oh, I'm glad you're not coming.
03:46Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
03:47That makes four of us, George.
03:48Ethel has never forgiven you for bursting through a continental duvet.
03:53Yeah, well, I thought we had to get inside it, didn't I?
03:57They've still got feathers coming out of their warm air ducts.
04:01Oh, God.
04:03Oh, that spring.
04:05I should be glad to sit in a nice city for a change.
04:07There's nothing wrong with that city.
04:09It's past it, George.
04:10Yeah, well, it suits me.
04:11Yes, it would.
04:11That settee cost me 25 quid.
04:15No, George.
04:16This settee, the carpet, the cupboard, the table, our bed and the small wardrobe cost 25 quid.
04:22Hello.
04:23Sounds like your taxi.
04:24Oh, right.
04:26Now, plenty of clean shirts on the pulley.
04:29Plenty of food in the fridge.
04:32Will you miss me?
04:33Yeah.
04:34I'll miss you as much as you'll miss me.
04:35I see.
04:39Right then, George, I shall be back in a week.
04:41Behave yourself.
04:48Bye-bye, George.
04:49Yeah, bye-bye.
04:53Here you are.
04:54Right, see you.
04:55It's the light in there.
05:03I can't be expected to play properly in bad lights.
05:05Who's winning?
05:07Listen, Joe, chess players do not think in terms of who is winning.
05:10Of course they don't.
05:15Right, that's better.
05:16But I shall now move my queen right across the board thus.
05:20Well, that was a bit of a foolish thing to do.
05:22And why?
05:23Because it's my move.
05:24Oh, sorry.
05:26In any case, I'm going to take your queen.
05:31Do you know, this bright light here, you know, it's given me a bit of a headache.
05:36Shall we continue this some other time?
05:39Evelyn Waugh.
05:41What?
05:42Now the famous woman writer, Evelyn Waugh.
05:44Oh, yes, good morning.
05:48Oh.
05:48Good morning.
05:49I, er, I just came up to see how you all are.
05:52Oh, we're all fine.
05:53Eh?
05:53Oh, good, good.
05:54Yes.
05:56How are you?
05:57Eh?
05:57All fine, fine.
05:58Good.
05:59Good.
06:02Yeah, well, I'm glad we had that little chat.
06:05Oh, there is one other thing before I go.
06:07Erm, er, the lease.
06:09Oh, the lease on the flat?
06:10Yeah, yes, it's expired.
06:12Oh, sit down.
06:13Yeah, oh, well, yeah.
06:13Three weeks ago, to be exact.
06:15Oh, sorry, I completely forgot about that.
06:17Oh, well, these things happen, don't they?
06:19It's expired.
06:21And I suppose you're thinking of putting up our rent, eh?
06:24Oh, no, no, no, no, nothing like that, no.
06:26I was thinking more of asking you, if it's convenient, of course, to sort of, erm, leave, as it were.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:33LAUGHTER
06:34That is a joke, isn't it?
06:37Yeah.
06:38It's not a joke.
06:39Yeah.
06:39Oh, you don't have to go immediately.
06:41No, at the end of the week I do.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44He can't do that, can he?
06:48You're doing the right thing, George.
06:49Huh, you reckon?
06:50course this is a flat right now there's the bedroom the lounge bathroom kitchen
06:59and so on this isn't a scale you understand so I bung up hard board
07:08flats there there and there and there now what have I got you've got a clean
07:15fingernail hey well you didn't have that before I'll buy you another part now you've got five
07:25self-contained dwelling units oh yeah yeah I see what you mean cost you 100 quid of an
07:30architect to done that mate yeah that middle one's very self-contained in it hasn't got a
07:34door in it bung one in 15 quid a week that's what they're getting down the road for dwelling units
07:42like that now if we put a stove and I guess we I mean it marvelous point is Jerry I don't know
07:51how Mildred's gonna take it by the time she gets back they're out we're in fate accomplished I'll
07:58get you that other half I know it's all right here come back to my place I'll found out where she's
08:01hidden the Scotch fine thanks very much bye well according to the citizens advice bureau he has to
08:10give us three months notice in writing and even then he has to apply for a possession order and
08:15even then we can appeal to the rent tribunal and even so he can't do it no oh it's great so uh listen
08:22which one of us is gonna tell Roper I will no job being serious which which one of us is gonna tell
08:29Roper well you've got me marked down as a twit haven't you no all right then uh which of the three
08:37surfaces gonna tell Roper well I think it'd better be one of you two because I'll never remember it
08:41all you're quite right too all right you go downstairs you do it I'm not doing it on my
08:49own yeah she hid this in the drawer with me clean underpants obviously reckoned I wasn't going to
08:57change him while she was away coming cow yeah I saw her do it though oh she doesn't scare me you
09:09know no I'm the one who wears the trousers in this house yeah and the underpants yeah yeah yeah when she
09:21comes back and finds those three gone what can she do don't let's talk about that George now look
09:26I've got half my workforce standing by to get on with it yeah no if you change your mind he's not
09:31gonna like it right there's just one little question uh Jerry what about the furniture
09:38well it's very nice George spring sticking up my backside but apart from that oh no sweat got a
09:48couple of fellas coming around put it into storage while we slap up the if that's all missus it was
09:53all your idea yeah it's all right she won't be back to the end of the week by that time we'll have got
09:57rid of those three oh hello hello mr rubber we've uh come to have a word with you yeah oh this is um
10:03this is a friend of mine he's um he's uh uh Jerry ah welcome to Britain
10:08oh yeah butcher uh well look I won't beat about the bush thing is that I well we well all of us that
10:19is what Robin is trying to say is that the position um more or less is is a little bit well it's a little
10:26bit it's what it's sort of um well how can we put it well you can't evict us without three months
10:30notice in writing which we can challenge requiring you to apply for a possession order then we can
10:35appeal to the rent tribunal look Joe I'm trying to explain that's right what's all that mean it means
10:43George it means uh you're gonna have to tell them what well well you see it's like this uh I know I
10:48know he wouldn't tell you this himself because uh he's that sort of fella but he needs it for his
10:55mother I didn't know you had a mother hey the the old folks home is doing very well by her but
11:01well the fact is frankly she's piling away bit by bit isn't that right George well don't upset yourself
11:08son don't upset yourself oh one remaining wish is that she spends the last few days with her only son
11:15that's me well we didn't know about this but isn't that flat rather large for one old lady oh yeah well
11:21and the full-time nurse and the full oh yeah yes oh well you should have told us oh no no no no no
11:27that would have been emotional blackmail yeah
11:30yeah right yeah well cheerio then bye bye
11:37we're in business hey uh Jerry my mother's been dead 11 years yeah but she has now lived her usefulness
11:48after a while she
11:50she
11:54I
11:56yeah
11:58yeah
12:02yeah
12:02yeah
12:04yeah
12:05yeah
12:06yeah
12:11yeah
12:14yeah
12:16yeah
12:17yeah
12:17Wembley, Wilsdon, West Hampstead.
12:24The prices, three-bedroom flat, £45 a week, Wimbledon Common.
12:29Yeah, it's a bit of a pricey area, all those WombleSpotters.
12:32Honestly, by the time you phone up, it's too late.
12:35That one was snapped up by a typesetter on the Evening Standard.
12:38Ah, now, that's very interesting.
12:40What's that?
12:41Not a day for speaking your mind.
12:42Those close to you may become impatient.
12:44Stop reading your horoscope!
12:46See, she's never wrong.
12:47Oh, this is ridiculous.
12:49Look, why can't we just stay put?
12:50Because we told Roper we'd be out by Saturday.
12:53I mean, if you want to move in with his mother.
12:54Oh, yeah, all right, all right, all right.
12:56Actually, there is one here for three to share.
12:59Any good?
13:00Well, I don't know.
13:01It's only twice as much as we can afford.
13:02Well, that's pretty good.
13:03Yeah.
13:04But, you know, these old landlies are a bunch of bulk...
13:07Oh, good evening, rather.
13:10I'm inquiring about the advertisement in the...
13:13Sorry, am I what?
13:15Suntand?
13:16Um, no, not very.
13:21Um, it's, um, it's straight.
13:25No, it's not frizzy.
13:27She wants to know if I've got frizzy hair.
13:28She wants to know if you're coloured and she's not allowed to ask.
13:31Well, hush my mouth, soul sister.
13:33I thought why, did you all know?
13:35And no cut...
13:35She's hung up.
13:36Come on, keep looking.
13:46Suitable for three to share?
13:48Yeah, that's right.
13:49Yes, I'm...
13:49I don't want to be personal, but you're not pregnant, are you?
13:52No.
13:53Neither am I.
13:53Oh, good.
13:54Now, you see, the third one, Jo, she's using her lunch hour to eat.
13:58Shall we take turns?
13:59Yes.
14:00Well, you tell me where you'd like the flat to be, how much you're going to afford.
14:03We'll all have a good laugh and then get down to it.
14:06Well, we can afford about £8 a week each at the most.
14:08Oh, I see.
14:09Hello?
14:11Um, have a look in that filing cabinet.
14:13I don't think it's going to be big enough for the three of us, is it?
14:16Yes, madam?
14:18Bellany Court, Bayswater.
14:21Flat to let.
14:22Two bedrooms.
14:24£12 a week.
14:25Oh, that's very reasonable.
14:26Yes, I'll send someone round to view at four o'clock.
14:29Yes, fine.
14:30Thank you, madam.
14:31There are only two flats here.
14:32Two?
14:32There can't be.
14:34I thought not.
14:35That one's gone.
14:37How do you feel about that place?
14:39Oh, no, it's only got one bedroom.
14:40Oh, well, hang on.
14:41Don't let's, you know, dismiss this out of hand.
14:43I mean, you know, if you and Joe are prepared to try, you know.
14:46No, we don't like that one, either.
14:48I'm afraid that's all we've got in your price range.
14:50Well, what about that phone call?
14:52Bellamy Court, Bayswater.
14:53Well, actually, I was thinking of going after that one myself.
14:56What?
14:56That's one of the reasons I got a job here.
14:58It's about the only way to get a decent flat in London.
15:00There's a houseboach here in Clapham, pretty cheap.
15:12There's no river in Clapham.
15:13Oh, that's probably why.
15:15What was that flat like you saw on Thursday?
15:17Oh, it had a flyover next to it, a railway at the back and a flight path to Heathrow directly overhead.
15:22What was it like inside?
15:23I don't know.
15:24They couldn't have heard me ringing the doorbell.
15:25Right, you can scrub that one out in fuller.
15:28No good.
15:29Well, I tell you, I went up the steps at the same time as this girl.
15:33We both went to press the same bell.
15:35You know, we had a good laugh in the close-up zone.
15:36Yeah.
15:37And while I was laughing, she nipped in before me and got the flat.
15:41Phil, a pint of breast, please.
15:43Hello there.
15:43Hello there.
15:44See, the point is that legally, Roper can't kick us out.
15:48I mean, we are entitled to stay, aren't we?
15:50Yeah.
15:51See, I mean, I feel sorry for his mother.
15:54He saw her yesterday.
15:55Told her the good news.
15:57Pardon?
15:58If you could have seen the tears of joy running down that old lady's cheeks when she heard she was coming home.
16:04And they talk about young people being selfish, eh?
16:07You were saying?
16:09Nothing.
16:14Three years and this is all I've got to show for it.
16:16Ah, come on, Chrissie.
16:17You've got a heart full of memories.
16:19Some golden moments of friendship to look back on.
16:22Some smiles.
16:23Some tears.
16:24What?
16:25Well, I just thought a bit of gooey sentimentality might help.
16:27Shut up.
16:28Oh, fine.
16:29Oh, hello.
16:31You're off then soon, I suppose.
16:34Well, not until three o'clock.
16:35We couldn't get the van until then.
16:36Oh, three.
16:37Fine.
16:37Oh, good.
16:38Here.
16:39You're all fixed up with some other place, are you?
16:41No, I'm going to the YMCA.
16:42I'm going to the YWCA.
16:44We tried to swap, but they wouldn't let us, were they?
16:46I'm going to stay with a girlfriend until I can find somewhere.
16:48Oh, good.
16:49Good.
16:50Yes.
16:50Hey, does your mother like flowers?
16:52Er, yes.
16:53I often take her a bunch.
16:55Because we thought we'd leave a bee's as a sort of welcome.
16:58Oh, yeah.
16:58Very nice.
17:00What time is she arriving?
17:01Oh, I don't know.
17:02I'm not quite sure which direction she's coming from.
17:04Yeah, well, bye-bye.
17:06Bye.
17:07Bye.
17:09Well, that's it, I suppose.
17:11Not quite.
17:12We never finish this game of chess.
17:14Er, yeah, well, I'm still considering my next move.
17:16Well, you've had a week.
17:17Well, there's no point in rushing things, is there?
17:21And when they said they were leaving flowers,
17:24well, I began to feel I was doing something mean.
17:28Well, you are, George.
17:29Yeah, I know.
17:29I don't like feeling it.
17:31Look, I've been thinking, same again, Bill.
17:33Now, if we put up another partition there,
17:40that would give us six self-contained dwelling units.
17:47Granted, none of them could get to the bog.
17:50That's the price of progress.
17:52Yeah, but that's how we see Mildred's coming back tonight.
17:55Well, you can't back out of it now.
17:56No?
17:56Oh, no.
17:57I've ordered the four by two.
17:59I've got a couple of fellas going round to move the furniture.
18:02I've turned down a lucrative contract.
18:04Mendo-indo and cockfusters.
18:05Oh, yeah, all right, all right.
18:07Now, with that six...
18:08Blimey, you can't win in this place, can you?
18:11Six, this is it.
18:12Which flat is it, Bernie?
18:14Oh, I don't know exactly.
18:16Jerry said we've got to see a bloke called Roper.
18:18Oh, excuse me, Mr Roper?
18:20Oh, yes, that's the flat you want.
18:21Oh, right.
18:22Oh, well, we'll soon have this stuff out.
18:25Oh, thanks a lot, Mr Roper.
18:28Hey, you know something?
18:29You look just like that statue, the thinker.
18:32Shh!
18:33Except he was stark naked.
18:36It can be arranged.
18:37I mean, we've got half an hour before the van is due.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:39Oh, why don't you move that one with the pointy hat over to there?
18:45Joe, Joe.
18:46In a very short time, we're all going to go our separate ways.
18:49And there's lots of things that I'm going to remember you by with affection.
18:54Oh, you're leading up to an insult, aren't you?
18:55Right, mind your own business.
18:57Well, I'm going to take the rent book down.
18:59Hey, you were right then, you know.
19:01We are all going our separate ways.
19:03We might never see each other again, you and I.
19:06True.
19:06But why should I continue to see a girl that thrashes me at chess?
19:09Ah, ah, ah, ah!
19:11Oh, good, that piece there!
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13Oh, hello, love!
19:20Oh, you're wasting your time.
19:22You're probably down the pub.
19:24I'm back.
19:24Um, I just came down to give you back the rent book
19:27and to say goodbye.
19:29Goodbye?
19:31Because if you move that piece there, I will take it.
19:33Chrissie, will you stop patronising me?
19:35I hate girls that patronise me.
19:37More or less than girls who beat you at chess?
19:39The same.
19:40All right, then move that piece and then I will take it.
19:43Oh.
19:44Good job I caught that early train.
19:46Oh, hello, dears.
19:47I'm sorry I knew nothing about this.
19:50Oh, God.
19:52What's that little bugger being up to now?
19:55LAUGHTER
19:55Oh.
20:00What, Mildred?
20:01Yeah.
20:02Mildred, are you...?
20:04Oh, my God.
20:06See, he said he was going to bring his mother here.
20:08Well, he'll have to dig her up first, dear.
20:09She's been dead for 11 years.
20:11Are you sure?
20:12I'm sure.
20:12Perhaps he's forgotten.
20:14Oh, no.
20:14I know what he's playing at.
20:16He's been on about this for months.
20:18Split it up.
20:19Get more rent.
20:20And then he waits until I go away.
20:22Ha-ha.
20:23Oh, I'll split him.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:24Come in, George.
20:29I know you're there.
20:30I can smell the fear.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33LAUGHTER
20:33Oh, so you're back early, then.
20:39That's nice.
20:40Explain.
20:40Well, it was Gerry's idea, you know,
20:43hard-board petitions and all that.
20:44Oh, you know Gerry.
20:45Oh, I know him.
20:47It was him who thought of the phrase Gerry built.
20:49Now, I am not going to have it, George.
20:51No, well, I wasn't very keen on the idea myself.
20:53Look, does this mean we can stay?
20:55If anyone is leaving, dear, it'll be him.
20:57Come along, George.
20:58We are going down to our flat to discuss this in private.
21:01Right.
21:02Hey, now, let's stay here.
21:04Ouch!
21:07So much for male superiority.
21:09Oh, well, who cares?
21:10It means we're staying.
21:12Well, me down.
21:12You don't know where I've been.
21:13What's it, madam?
21:14It means we don't have to move.
21:15Fantastic.
21:16You do.
21:17And I still think you should move the one with the pointed hat
21:19over to there.
21:20Oh, Jo, just for you, I'll do that little thing.
21:22There we are.
21:23All right?
21:23That gives you a checkmate.
21:25Yes, yes.
21:25Now, give us a little kiss.
21:26What?
21:29Oh, she's right.
21:31You've won.
21:32But she...
21:33Yes, well, I mean, it was obvious from the start, wasn't it?
21:38I mean, the male mind is far...
21:40Will you get out of the way?
21:44Well, can't we discuss the matter out here or go for a walk?
21:47What's in there?
21:49Nothing, Mildred.
21:51Absolutely nothing.
21:53George!
21:55Yeah, I think there's been a bit of a mistake, Mildred.
21:57It should have been the furniture upstairs.
21:59It's all right.
22:00It's only in storage.
22:00I can get it back.
22:01Don't bother, George.
22:02Eh?
22:02I never liked our furniture, anyway.
22:04Mildred?
22:05I am going to have...
22:07What?
22:07...a fitted Wilton carpet, like my sister's.
22:10Yeah, well...
22:11I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:12Chesterfield is going to be in real leather.
22:14Yeah, now, look, Mildred.
22:14Ooh, I'm going to have full-length curtains right down the way you know.
22:18You can have a nice settee.
22:19I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:49I'm going to have a nice settee.
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