- 5 weeks ago
First broadcast 6th March 1975.
Chrissy and Robin borrow George's old car to drive down to Southampton to watch a football match but it breaks down.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
John Carlin - Barman
Michael Redfern - Mike
Hilary Minster - Hells Angel
Drew Wood - Hells Angel
Bella Emberg - Traffic Warden in opening credits
Chrissy and Robin borrow George's old car to drive down to Southampton to watch a football match but it breaks down.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
John Carlin - Barman
Michael Redfern - Mike
Hilary Minster - Hells Angel
Drew Wood - Hells Angel
Bella Emberg - Traffic Warden in opening credits
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
01:30I'd rather stuff his mouth with cotton wool.
01:33He's just run through the top 20 of about 1930.
01:35That was the top 20. Imagine what the bottom 20 must have been like.
01:40Oh, boy.
01:41Oh, boy.
01:42What's that?
01:42What can't you?
01:43Right.
01:43Enough is enough.
01:46You're driving me crazy.
01:47He'll think it's a request.
01:49What?
01:51You?
01:52You're driving me crazy.
01:53What's the matter with her this morning?
01:56She doesn't like the sound of your voice.
01:58Well, how do you think I feel? I was stuck in there with it.
02:00Oh, dear.
02:01It's going to be one of those wonderful weekends.
02:03The sun is going to be shining,
02:05and all the women will be at my feet saying,
02:07take me, take me.
02:09You'll be ready for them.
02:10What?
02:11You'll be ready for them.
02:12So, listen.
02:20What wonderful concoction have you created
02:22for my jaded palate this morning?
02:24Taste.
02:24Oh, fantastic.
02:25Who else could have thought of that?
02:27No, why are you so lively?
02:28Oh, just the sheer joy of living, you know.
02:30Just the pleasure of actually being alive.
02:32And two tickets for the Southampton match this afternoon.
02:35Oh, football.
02:36Look, don't dismiss football like that.
02:38It's a very, very clever game
02:39with a lot of intelligent people involved.
02:41Who are they playing?
02:41Arsenal, load of rubbish.
02:43Actually, Chrissie likes them.
02:45Yeah?
02:46Yeah, especially that one with the curly hair.
02:48George thingy.
02:49Armstrong, George Armstrong.
02:51No, George Charlie, him.
02:54Yes, yes, yes.
02:55Personally, I think it's a really silly game.
02:58What?
02:58Oh, no, you'd like it if you played.
03:00Just imagine being chased by 11 butch men.
03:02Oh, wouldn't mind that.
03:03Oh, try to dispossess you, and then scoring.
03:07They'd have to catch me first.
03:09Yes, you're doing very nicely, aren't you?
03:11I think we're going to need a new pot for you soon.
03:13These roots are going to need a lot more room than this.
03:16Is this a private conversation, or can anyone join in?
03:18Scientists have proven that plants respond to the sound of the human voice.
03:21Oh, really?
03:22Yeah.
03:22Oh.
03:22Hello.
03:25Hello, there.
03:26No, nothing.
03:27Not to have a wiggle of his sleeve.
03:28Look, you can take the mickey if you like.
03:30I thought I was.
03:31But this particular Ivy has done a lot better than that one over there.
03:34Oh, yes.
03:35Well, that might have something to do with the cat next door.
03:37I mean, it's always cocking its leg.
03:39Cuts don't cock their legs.
03:41The one next door does.
03:42Oh, I mean, look.
03:43You ask Ivy.
03:44I mean, well, she's suffered, hasn't she?
03:46Haven't you, poor little thing?
03:48Listen, do you fancy coming to football much?
03:50Southampton?
03:51Certainly not.
03:52What?
03:53Not even with me?
03:54Especially not with you.
03:55The language when the other side scores.
03:56No, no, I promise not to listen.
03:58Not me, you.
03:59Listen, scientists have proven that the Southampton players respond very nicely to the sound of
04:04the human voice.
04:06Saj, there are too many fights at football matches these days.
04:08No, no, no.
04:08I mean, it's only high spirits.
04:10You just have a bit of a laugh with them, you know, have a bit of a sense of humour.
04:12And I mean, if that fails...
04:13What?
04:14Well, kicking them with cobblers and run for it.
04:17That's precisely the sort of language I mean.
04:19I'm sorry.
04:20Oh, I'm so sorry.
04:21I didn't think you were listening.
04:23Oh, come on, Chrissie.
04:24It'd be a great game.
04:25Fifth round, League Cup.
04:26Arsenal.
04:27Arsenal?
04:28Yeah, you know, with George, Charlie and thingy and everybody.
04:31Oh, well.
04:32Yeah?
04:33Why me?
04:34Well, I thought, you know, we might sort of stay the night.
04:37You know, we could sort of find some small little thing.
04:40It's not a very good idea at all, is it?
04:42No.
04:42We'll get a return train.
04:43We'll get a return train.
04:46On the other hand...
04:47Yeah?
04:47We could borrow the Roper's car and go in there.
04:50What exactly are your plans today, George?
04:53I mean, apart from falling asleep on the sofa this afternoon.
04:55Yeah, well, I might stroll down to the pub lunchtime.
04:58Uh-huh.
04:59And tonight?
04:59Oh, there's a good film on the telly.
05:01Oh, so it's going to be our usual fun-packed Saturday, then.
05:05Oh, Dongo, it's called.
05:07Rhonda Fleming, McDonnell Carey, showdown on safari between a trapper and a tempestuous
05:14lady vet.
05:16I think I'll clean up the coal, sir, or it'll make a nice train.
05:20It's only in black and white, mind.
05:22George, it's always in black and white.
05:24You've only got black and white.
05:26Well, I know, but I mean, it sort of adds to it if you know it's in colour.
05:29Any sign of that postman yet?
05:30He doesn't come here till ten, George.
05:32Now, George, my sister has had colour television for six years.
05:36Oh, yeah, well, there's still a lot of technical problems with her, Mildred.
05:39Such as what?
05:39Well, there's the 80 quid deposit for a staff.
05:42You know, I've got the rental on this one down to three bub a week.
05:45Well, the way I see it, next year they'll have to start paying us.
05:47She's got a 26-inch screen.
05:51She can change channels without moving from her armchair.
05:55Yeah, or so can I.
05:56Why?
05:56I'll get you to do it.
05:59I don't know, that sounds like the postman.
06:00Oh, yes, of course.
06:01Here, don't let him see you.
06:03He's still waiting for his Christmas box.
06:05So is the little newspaper boy.
06:08And the dustman.
06:10Ooh, he is a mingy little toad.
06:14It's a ride, Mildred.
06:15I thought it would come today.
06:16Yes, George.
06:17You know, this hairpiece is going to make a difference.
06:21Well, I mean, a toupee can take years off a man.
06:23Yes, George.
06:25Well, come on, open it up.
06:26Put it on, let's see it.
06:27Yeah, promise you won't laugh.
06:30Oh, George, of course I won't laugh.
06:39It's your friendly neighbourhood scrounger.
06:41Any coffee going?
06:42Oh, do come in.
06:43Morning, look.
06:44Go away.
06:45Push off.
06:46Oh, that's what I like, a nice friendly welcome.
06:48I mean, what do you expect?
06:49You're always on the borrow.
06:50Oh, come on, be fair.
06:51I'll give you things and all.
06:53Yeah, what was it I'll give you last week?
06:54Flu.
06:55Er, no sugar for me.
06:58No sugar for me.
06:58I'm sweet enough.
06:59Oh.
07:00As I was saying, we'll live about midday and we'll take the sandwich.
07:03Oh, you, er, you decided which hotel you're going to stay at?
07:07Oh, sorry.
07:09We're not staying overnight, Larry.
07:11Perhaps I'd better go out and come in again, eh?
07:13No, just don't come in at all.
07:16Look, if he gave you the impression that we were going to stay at...
07:18No, no, no, nothing like that.
07:22Should be a good match, he said, changing the subject quickly.
07:26Oh, George.
07:28It says here you can swim in it.
07:30That'll be interesting.
07:33You couldn't swim before.
07:44Oh, what do you think, Mildred?
07:49Oh, my God.
07:52It's not bad, is it?
07:53I mean, for £12.50, including tax...
07:56You mean you taxed it off?
07:57No, I mean, B.A.T.
08:02Well, hey, it's real hair, you know.
08:05I've got more now than you have when I first met you.
08:08You can't see the join.
08:10Well, you don't have to.
08:11You're dark brown on top and bright ginger at the size.
08:14It takes years off me.
08:17It's weird, George.
08:19You look sort of different.
08:21Well, of course I look different.
08:23I mean, this is the real me, younger.
08:25I mean, you've got a little old face peeping out from a young age.
08:28Yeah, well, it's always held me back being bald, you know.
08:31I mean, I've tried everything.
08:32Do you remember when I rubbed my head with a raw onion three times a day?
08:35Yes.
08:36I do remember that, George.
08:37Yeah, and the fertiliser.
08:38Yeah, I remember the fertiliser, yeah.
08:40Yeah, waste of time, all that.
08:41I should have got one of these years ago.
08:43Yeah, look, it's a good match, isn't it?
08:45Practically undetectable.
08:47Ha, ha, ha.
08:48Now it's your chance to find out.
08:49Hey, hey, don't leave me.
08:50I'm not making you happen to me.
08:51I'm not making you happen to me.
08:54Oh, come in, love.
08:56Hello.
08:56Thanks a lot.
08:57I just popped down, actually, to ask if Robin and I could possibly borrow your car this afternoon.
09:01Oh, I should think so, dear.
09:03Yes.
09:04What do you think, George?
09:07What for, exactly?
09:08Well, we thought that we might drive down to...
09:10Well, we thought we'd drive down to...
09:16To Southampton, to see Arsenal.
09:21Well, it's a long way to drive, isn't it?
09:23Oh, well, yeah, yeah, but it's a good match.
09:26What?
09:27What's a good match?
09:30Again, it's afternoon.
09:31Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, good, good.
09:33Come on, George.
09:35Don't keep her in suspense.
09:36Oh, I mean, are you going to tell her or aren't you?
09:38Tell her what?
09:39Whether she can have the car or not.
09:42Oh, yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
09:44Oh, marvellous.
09:47Well, we should be back by tonight, so...
09:49Thanks a lot.
09:52That's great.
09:56Bye.
09:57Bye, my love.
09:58Enjoy yourself.
10:00There you are, Mildred.
10:01I don't think she even noticed.
10:05Do you dare take the toilet roll?
10:07I wasn't going to.
10:08Good.
10:09That's the wrong colour.
10:11We can borrow the car.
10:12Oh, great.
10:13Listen, Larry's just gone upstairs to get to his arsenal staff.
10:15You'll need it to hang yourself when we thrash the living daylights out of you.
10:19Hey, Roper's got himself a wig.
10:23A what?
10:24A wig, a toupee, a hairpiece.
10:26He hasn't.
10:27Are you sure?
10:28Yeah, I've just seen it.
10:29Perhaps it's a transplant.
10:31Where's Rob?
10:32I mean, he didn't have a lot to begin with.
10:34Well, I mean, there's lots of places you...
10:35I mean, is it short and curly?
10:40There you go, then.
10:43Did he say anything?
10:45No, of course I didn't.
10:46I'd have embarrassed him.
10:47Well, maybe he's just let his sideboards grow and knotted them all together on top.
10:52It's a proper wig.
10:53You'll need the car keys.
11:03Thank you very much.
11:06You'll have to watch the headlamps.
11:08I've rewired them.
11:10When they're on high, they're on low.
11:11And when they're on dip, they're on full beat.
11:13You've got that, Joe, didn't you?
11:14Yeah.
11:15Yeah, I thought you would, yeah.
11:17Have you noticed anything different about me?
11:21No.
11:21Oh, no?
11:22No.
11:23No.
11:24No.
11:25New cardigan, is it?
11:26Well, no, no, no.
11:27It's not this, no.
11:28Here I am.
11:28It's all to keep you nice and warm.
11:29I don't know what you want to pop.
11:34God, blimey.
11:36What's the matter with you?
11:37Oh, nothing, nothing.
11:38I was just looking over there.
11:43All over there, all that wallpaper's peeling off a shop, isn't it?
11:45No, it's been like that for a long time.
11:47I think we'd better go.
11:47Yeah, why not?
11:49See you later, all right?
11:50Yeah, see you, mate.
11:50Bye, bye.
11:51Bye, bye.
11:51Yeah, well, it's not easy to put on properly, you know.
11:55No, no.
11:55Oh, I mean, I use a strong paste, you know, flour and wallpaper.
12:00You'll have to fill the cracks in with polyfiller before you start.
12:03Well, otherwise it peels off.
12:05Oh, the wallpaper, yeah.
12:07Mr. Roper must ask you, is that a toupee?
12:12What, this?
12:13Yes, sir.
12:15Yes, yes, it is.
12:16I'd never have known.
12:24Aren't you coming for a drink, George?
12:25No, I don't think I'll bother today.
12:27Oh, George, you've got to go out in it sometime.
12:31I mean, you just can't wear it around the house.
12:33Well, it's windy, Mildred.
12:35It might blow off.
12:35So, then you'll look like you usually do.
12:40I mean, it's not a pretty sight, I agree, but we're used to it.
12:43I suppose I could wear my cap.
12:45Yeah, tie a brick on top, then it definitely won't be.
12:48If I had the car, I could have driven down to the pub.
12:50But, oh, no, you have to go lending it to them upstairs.
12:53Oh, look, George, they're young.
12:55They want to get out and about, enjoy themselves.
12:58Oh.
12:59Oh.
13:05You've got to help.
13:23You've got to help.
13:53You've got to help.
14:22This is bloody ridiculous.
14:25I mean, everything looks all right, it just won't go.
14:27Perhaps if we gave it a good clean.
14:30Could be a cracked distributor cap or something.
14:33Oh, where's that?
14:35In there somewhere, I don't know.
14:37Ah, it could be the fan belt slipping.
14:39What makes you think that?
14:40Well, nothing, but I know where that is.
14:43All right, try it again.
14:47Oh, no, no, hold it, hold it, hold it.
14:48That'll do, leave it.
14:52If this was a horse, I'd shoot it.
14:55Oh, look at that time, we're never going to get to the ground before kick-off.
14:58Why, it could be worse, it could be raining.
15:00Yeah, well, that is true, I mean, a heavy pitch would favour Arsenal.
15:04I meant it could be raining here.
15:06Oh, I see.
15:08I suppose you realise we could be stuck here all night.
15:12Yes, there is that.
15:14The seats might, but I don't.
15:17Hey, phone the AA.
15:19I'm not a member.
15:20What offer to join?
15:22It costs over five quid, the car's not worth that.
15:24No, I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll hitch to Southampton.
15:27What, and leave the car here.
15:28People will think it's been abandoned.
15:29Well, it will have been.
15:30No, I mean properly abandoned.
15:31They'll pinch the headlamps and the tyres and things.
15:33Well, we can leave a note on the windscreen.
15:35No, pinch that as well.
15:37Look, phone Roker.
15:39Well, no, I'll tell you what...
15:40You might know what's wrong with it.
15:40No, no, I'll tell you what we'll do.
15:41We'll push the car a bit further, right?
15:43We'll find some small hotel, stay the night and then...
15:45You never give up, do you?
15:47No.
15:47Look, phone Roker.
15:48Oh, right, what's his number?
15:49Oh, actually, he won't be at home now, he'll be in the pub.
15:57Now, see, where Southampton go wrong is they push all their forwards up, right?
16:01Ready for their long ball, and the back four expose themselves.
16:04Think what?
16:04Expose themselves.
16:06They'll leave themselves wide open.
16:09They're vulnerable to a sudden attack.
16:11They would be.
16:12OK.
16:13But who has that on the Arsenal forward side could take advantage?
16:16I don't answer that because it's libelous.
16:19Oh, are you going to wear that hat in bed, George?
16:26I'll take it off in a minute.
16:27Oh, come on.
16:28Hey, careful, careful.
16:30No, no, no, no, let go.
16:31Hi, Nick, it's still there.
16:32How's it look?
16:33Well, looks all right.
16:35Sort of grows on you.
16:36Well, it doesn't grow on you, but you know what I mean.
16:38It's all right, then.
16:39Oh, yeah.
16:40Oh, forget about it, George.
16:42Think bald.
16:43Right.
16:44I'll have a nice, large gin and tonic.
16:49Afternoon, son.
16:50Afternoon.
16:51I'll have a pint of bitter and a gin and tonic.
16:53Small.
16:53Large.
16:54Yeah, large.
16:57Looks very nice.
16:59Oh, yes.
17:00Ever so real.
17:01Thank you very much.
17:03If I didn't know, I'd never have known.
17:05Look, do you mind if we change the subject?
17:07Sorry.
17:09Are you going to the little theatre next week?
17:11Oh, I don't know, love.
17:12What's on?
17:12Oh, it's, um...
17:14Oh, it's that.
17:21White Swan.
17:22Hello?
17:26Hello?
17:27Hello.
17:27I wonder if you could get Mr. Roper to come to the phone, please.
17:30What did you say?
17:31George Roper.
17:35He's a little ratty fellow, about four foot three.
17:39Hey, with a toupee.
17:40Oh, yeah.
17:41And he's wearing a wig.
17:43Yes, a wig.
17:45What was the name?
17:46George?
17:47Hang on.
17:48Is there a George wig in here?
17:53Yes.
17:54Not good for you.
17:55Right?
17:57No, not George wig.
17:59George Roper.
18:00He's wearing a wig.
18:02The ridiculous, curly ginger thing that...
18:05Oh, hello, Mr. Roper.
18:08It's rubbing here.
18:09Look, look, the car's broken down.
18:12It made a terrible noise, and then it just stopped.
18:14What sort of noise was it?
18:16What sort of noise was it?
18:17Well, it was sort of, um...
18:19Ka-chunk-a-ka-chunk-a-chunk-a.
18:21Click-click-click-click-click.
18:22Chuck-a-chunk.
18:25Ka-chunk-a-ka-ka-ka-chunk-a-ka-ka-ka-chunk-a.
18:27Click-click-click-click.
18:29Chuck-a-chunk.
18:29Chuck-a-chunk.
18:30Psss!
18:32Psss!
18:33Psss!
18:33Psss!
18:34It's not a lot of help, son.
18:35Look, I know.
18:38Let him listen to it himself.
18:39Go on, you start the car.
18:40All right.
18:41Hello?
18:42Listen, we're going to start the car so that you can hear the engine.
18:46They've got the car in the phone box with them.
18:50Hold on.
18:52Here we go.
18:54OK.
18:58Hiya, I have a...
18:59Hello?
19:01What do you make of that, son?
19:02Oh, it's a shocking line.
19:13OK, what do you think's wrong with it?
19:16It's a bit difficult to say.
19:18It might be...
19:19Hello?
19:20Hello?
19:21Oh, hell.
19:222P.
19:23Have you got 2P?
19:24Hang on.
19:252P.
19:26Have you got 2P?
19:27It might be the carburettor.
19:29The carburettor, yes?
19:32Oh, blast.
19:35Hello?
19:36You'll have to strip it down.
19:38There are no tools, Mike.
19:40Oh, they're gone.
19:41Hey, look out!
19:42I'm just...
19:43God!
19:44It was your fault.
19:45Wait, you turned round.
19:46Oh, it's not.
19:47Oh, stop moving.
19:49God, it's really wet.
19:50You want to be more careful, you stupid...
19:52Oh, all right, all right.
19:53It was an accident.
19:54Keep your hair on.
19:55Can't you hurry up?
20:01I'm freezing.
20:04It's going to start raining in a minute.
20:08We could be here all night.
20:10Not both of us, because I'm going to strangle you in a minute.
20:11You don't shut up.
20:12You shut up!
20:15Try it again.
20:16Try it again.
20:19Suppose it doesn't work.
20:20You've got no faith in me, have you?
20:21How can I put it?
20:24No.
20:25Try it again, please.
20:30All right, that's it.
20:31That's it.
20:31I give up!
20:33Look, you're not a motor mechanic.
20:34You're a cookery student.
20:36Okay, so you can't start the engine.
20:40You could probably casserole it beautifully.
20:48Bye.
20:51Come in back.
21:02Aren't they the same ones you gave the V-side to?
21:04Yeah, I think you're right.
21:07Look, look, if anything should happen...
21:09Yeah, keep a sense of humor and have a little laugh with them.
21:11Yeah, yeah, but if that fails...
21:12Kick them in the...
21:13Yes!
21:16Look, you go to the small one, right?
21:18And I'll go for help.
21:20Hello, there.
21:27Nice of you to stop.
21:28Yeah, didn't we pass you about five hours ago?
21:41Me?
21:42No, no, I didn't see you.
21:44I mean, if I did, I certainly didn't give a...
21:45Um, we were on our way to the match and the car sort of broke down.
21:49Yeah?
21:50Missed a great match.
21:51Oh, good team, Arsenal.
21:54Yeah, good team, I see.
21:55Yeah.
21:56Fresh Southampton, 4-0.
21:594-0, eh?
22:00Oh, fantastic!
22:01I thought you were supposed to be at Southampton.
22:03Southampton, me?
22:05Load of rubbish, Southampton.
22:07Pfft!
22:08That's a Southampton scarf.
22:10Uh, yeah, is it?
22:12Is that their colours?
22:14Oh, that's not mine.
22:15No.
22:16No, no, I borrowed it off a friend of mine, my kung fu teacher.
22:20You know what's wrong here?
22:22You've been overeating.
22:25Your fan bill's been slipping.
22:27Hey, that's what I said.
22:28Oh, he's perished.
22:29Yeah, look at this, Mick.
22:31God damn me.
22:33Oh, hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
22:35Oh, don't worry.
22:37Shit'll get you going.
22:38You should have been with engines.
22:39Yeah, we'll need something as a temporary fan bill.
22:43Hey, how about this Southampton scarf, eh?
22:45Ha-ha, 4-0.
22:47Fantastic.
22:47Ha-ha, 4-0.
22:48It's shrunk, Mildred.
22:57Right.
23:00George, I told you you shouldn't have dried it in the oven.
23:04I can't wear it now.
23:06It's useless.
23:07Nonsense.
23:08Give it to the budgie as a nest.
23:10Well, you never did like me in it, did you?
23:13I mean, that made me look ten years younger.
23:14Look, George, just think of it this way.
23:17When you took it off, it made you look ten years older.
23:20Yeah, there is that about it, I suppose.
23:24Oh.
23:24Hello.
23:25Hi.
23:26Got your keys back.
23:26You got it going again, then?
23:28Oh, he didn't, but Mad Mick and Sid the Scratcher did.
23:31Two of the nicest Hells Angels you could ever hope to meet.
23:33Yeah.
23:33They had her tights off.
23:34What?
23:35To use as a fan belt.
23:36Oh, two.
23:37Oh, er, I think it looks really nice.
23:40Hi.
23:47Hello.
23:48The Wanderers return.
23:49What happened?
23:50Oh, it's a long story.
23:51Oh, I'm starving.
23:53Don't ask.
23:53We didn't even get to see the match.
23:54Oh, pity.
23:56Four nil.
23:56Phew.
23:57Mind you, I reckon Radford was definitely offside when he got that third one.
24:00Still the way he nodded that ball down, eh?
24:02Fantastic.
24:02Oh, yeah.
24:03What about that penalty?
24:04Yeah.
24:05That was just too much.
24:06Mind you, I've got a little feeling that that goalkeeper...
24:08Well, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
24:11Hang on.
24:11How come you know so much about it?
24:13Oh, we just see it on telly.
24:14It was Matthew to die.
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