- 2 days ago
First broadcast 20th March 1975.
When suspected woodworm is discovered in the upstairs flat the girls and Robin have to find alternative accommodation whilst George calls in his so-called handyman, the useless Jerry.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Harry Saks - Colin (as Hessel Saks)
Jo Garrity - Vera
Ian Sharp - Tom
John Carlin - Barman
When suspected woodworm is discovered in the upstairs flat the girls and Robin have to find alternative accommodation whilst George calls in his so-called handyman, the useless Jerry.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Roy Kinnear - Jerry
Harry Saks - Colin (as Hessel Saks)
Jo Garrity - Vera
Ian Sharp - Tom
John Carlin - Barman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00What do I need to win?
01:23Um, three, a double one and a Roper's nose.
01:25Actually, you're catching up.
01:29So far, I've won 108 games and you've won, well, two if you win this one.
01:33Well, if you're good at darts, men think you're a lesbian.
01:36Honestly, that's typical of you.
01:38You must be the world's first female chauvinist pig.
01:40What does that mean?
01:41Well, you can be feminine without pretending to be daft.
01:44I'm not pretending.
01:46Oh.
01:46Well, throw the darts.
01:50I'm quite capable of an intellectual discussion.
01:52Of course you are.
01:53Throw the darts.
01:55Well, go on then.
01:55Start a discussion.
01:57Uh, do you think the liquidity of the euro dollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices?
02:02That's just the sort of thing I meant.
02:03I think I'll try for Roper's nose.
02:14Yes.
02:16Sorry.
02:17Do you know, Jo, sometimes I think you're a bit daft.
02:19You know, you nearly severed my g-string.
02:22I'm not.
02:23And as a matter of fact, I don't think the liquidity of the euro dollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices.
02:29What's that got to do with a dart in my guitar?
02:33Oh, she's just proving she isn't a lesbian.
02:37Here.
02:38Listen, are we going to the pub?
02:39Yeah, after this game.
02:41Now, I need 47, so if I go for double top...
02:44Now, hang on, hang on.
02:45If you're going to throw darts, you might as well do it properly, right?
02:47Now, for a start, you face that way when you throw.
02:51But the dartboard's over there.
02:52Yes, yes, I know, but see, then you sort of swivel on your hips.
02:56See, like that.
02:57That's very good, yeah.
02:59Nice, easy action of the arm, you see, yes?
03:01And then you just follow the eye-line of...
03:03That's a nice perfume you're wearing.
03:05Yeah, well, don't sniff it all in. It's expensive.
03:07Yeah.
03:08I just follow the eye-line of...
03:10What's it called?
03:11Let's get on with the game.
03:12That's a funny name for a perfume.
03:15Come on, Mildred.
03:16You going to play or not?
03:18You can be leader of the escape committee.
03:20Oh, I haven't got time, George.
03:22Play with yourself.
03:26It's not as much fun playing with yourself.
03:29Well, you were doing it last night.
03:33Yeah, I know, but I lost.
03:36You won as well.
03:37Yeah, well, only half of me.
03:40Hey, I'll tell you what.
03:41You can be the brutal SS camp commandant.
03:43Oh, thrilled.
03:44I will.
03:50Morning, Mrs. Roper.
03:52Blimey, it's slashing it down out there.
03:54I reckon the angels must have been on the beer last night.
04:00George, it's your crude friend.
04:02Oh, yeah, I'll come in, Gerry.
04:04Do you fancy a quick game?
04:05Mildred's going to be the SS prison guard.
04:10Tell you the truth, George.
04:11I don't go in for that sort of thing.
04:14It's a board game.
04:17You know, you all sit round and get bored.
04:20Sorry.
04:20Here, is this what you ask me round here for?
04:27Oh, no.
04:28No, it's a little job upstairs might need doing.
04:30Oh.
04:31Ah, now, that's pretty.
04:32See, you're getting much nearer the target.
04:34Yeah, so are you.
04:34Move your hand.
04:35Are we going down to the pub?
04:38Because I have to meet my boyfriend.
04:39Now, before we go, look, I'll show you the proper way to throw a dart, right?
04:41Now, stand back a bit.
04:42Now, first of all, you see, the most important thing is the feet, right?
04:47Now, you must be lightly balanced on the balls of your feet, you see?
04:50Now, I'm not balanced on my heels.
04:52I'm balanced on my...
04:53I'm lightly balanced.
04:58The important thing is always to keep your wrist loose, see?
05:02That fellow down at the hairdressers would make a fantastic dance player.
05:05Yeah, now, that proves my point, because if he's good at it, how can you say it's not feminine?
05:09Wait a second.
05:11Oi, oi, are you listening?
05:14Now, the important thing now is the throw, right into double top.
05:22And finally, the excuse, there are no feathers in the dart.
05:26Is it still raining?
05:27Let's go down the pub.
05:31Hello, Mr. Roper.
05:32Oh, er, hello, Mr. Roper.
05:35Er, right, yes, hello, come in.
05:39Oh, er, oh, thank you.
05:41I think you know, Gerry, yeah.
05:43Oh, yes, you're the odd job man.
05:45Well, not exactly, no.
05:47Building contractor, central heating consultant, specialist in maintenance design and construction.
05:53Oh.
05:53He's come to do a couple of odd jobs.
05:55Right, well, help yourself.
05:58Yeah, we're off to the pub.
05:59Yeah, bye.
05:59Oh, young people these days, eh?
06:05All that booze on the sideboard floor.
06:08Oh, hey, hey, yeah.
06:10Hey, well, they did say help yourself, didn't they?
06:11Oh, no, no, George, no, no, no.
06:13Stop.
06:14Don't, no, no, don't, don't stop.
06:16Don't stop.
06:19Here they are.
06:20Do you want anything in it?
06:21Yeah, a bit more.
06:22Oh, young people, they don't know they're born, do they?
06:29They didn't have to grow up without the benefit of bananas.
06:32Right.
06:34I didn't even see a banana until I was 12.
06:36Yeah, shocking.
06:37I tried to eat it with a skin on it, see?
06:40It shot out the other end and the cat got it.
06:45You didn't have any kids, did you, George?
06:47No, no.
06:47Well, we decided we didn't want them.
06:49After we'd never had any, I mean.
06:52That's very wise, yeah, yeah.
06:54We just had the one girl.
06:55Well, it didn't seem practical to have any more,
06:57once the missus ran off.
06:59No.
07:00So you brought her up yourself, then?
07:02Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:03Fair man, that's what's needed.
07:05Right around the ear, I'll...
07:06Yeah, what are these little jobs you want doing, then?
07:09Oh, well, there's just one, actually.
07:12I noticed it the other day.
07:15What do you reckon that is?
07:17Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
07:19What you got there, George?
07:20Woodworm.
07:21Yeah.
07:22I thought it was.
07:23Yeah, nasty.
07:25Pretty widespread, too.
07:27Seem to attack the lino.
07:30Because it's definitely a woodworm.
07:33Dear.
07:35I thought the forecast said it was going to go on, Rayleigh.
07:37It is.
07:38Yeah, I know, but no-one ever believed the forecast.
07:40Honestly, you can't rely on anything these days.
07:41Hi, Colin.
07:42Robin.
07:43Chrissie.
07:43Hello, hello, hello.
07:44Let me get you a drink.
07:45No, it's all right.
07:46I'll get him.
07:47Colin's a policeman.
07:48Oh, I should have guessed.
07:49How?
07:50You said hello, hello, hello.
07:52Hey, Jock.
07:53Jock.
07:54Jock.
07:55Three hours a bit, please, Jock.
07:56My name is Percival.
07:59Yes, I know what I mean.
07:59Everyone calls Scotsman's Jock.
08:01Not if, like me, though, suddenly he happens to be Strap.
08:06Lovely, Jock.
08:07Oh, Percival.
08:09He gets very touchy about that, you know.
08:11Are you on your own?
08:12No, no, I'm not.
08:13I'm, er...
08:14This is Vera.
08:16Er, Robbie.
08:18Hello.
08:19Any friends of Larry's, etc?
08:25Yeah, all right.
08:26I know, I know.
08:27Larry, where do you find them?
08:29She works in the builder's yard.
08:31I went down there yesterday for a set of doorknobs and come out with her.
08:36Mind you, I reckon she'd do her turn.
08:40How did you come to meet a policeman?
08:42Oh, he came up to tell me I was on a double yellow line.
08:45But you haven't got a car.
08:46No, I know, but I would have been in trouble if I had.
08:48Oh, so he picked you up.
08:50Only to assist me with my inquiries.
08:52What inquiries?
08:53Well, what she was doing Saturday night, that sort of thing.
08:55Right, there we are.
08:57Oh, sorry, what do you have?
08:58Er, no, no, not for me.
08:59We ought to be leaving soon.
09:00Oh, right.
09:01Hey, listen, hey.
09:01You see that fruit machine?
09:03You can fiddle it with a washer.
09:05Really?
09:05Yeah.
09:05Honestly, I've won so many jackpots on this machine.
09:08What?
09:12Nothing.
09:13As I was saying, I've won so many jackpots.
09:19What?
09:20Nothing.
09:21As I was saying, I've won so many jackpots on this machine.
09:24I know what you mean.
09:24We've got one like that in the police canteen.
09:26Oh, really?
09:27They've got them everywhere.
09:29I don't know.
09:34Evening all.
09:36Well, it's a policeman.
09:37Oh, really?
09:39We usually fiddle ours with a cardboard smarty lid.
09:42Hey, fantastic.
09:43We must try that.
09:45Er, no, no, we mustn't.
09:46No, no.
09:48Shall we go before Bonnie and Clyde say anything else?
09:51Yeah.
09:51Bye, I'll see you later.
09:52See you later.
09:53Cheerio.
09:53Cheerio.
09:53Bye.
09:55Well, where are they off to?
09:57I was taking her to a police dog exhibition.
09:59Waste of time.
10:00She won't win anything.
10:02Yeah, well, you can't always see woodworm, you see.
10:04I mean, to look at, that's a perfectly healthy floorboard.
10:07Oh.
10:08No, that's a bad sign.
10:09Crafty little beggars are making all their holes underneath.
10:12Oh.
10:12Well, what does that mean?
10:14Well, it means that if they get to the joists, crash.
10:17All their furniture in your living room.
10:20Well, I'd have to spray all the woodwork then.
10:21That's right.
10:22Have you got any ginger ale?
10:23Well, not enough for the old flat.
10:25No, I'm a wood preserver.
10:35That's what's needed.
10:36I'll tell you what, I can lay my hands on a few tins' cheek.
10:39Are they, er, nicked?
10:40Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:42Dented.
10:42You know, they fell off the back of my loiter.
10:44No, I'll give a proper estimate, you see.
10:46Now, 12 tins at, er, 90p a tin, er, well, less 10% discount, plus 8% VAT.
10:54That's, er, 480, er, plus labour.
10:59Labour, that's, er, labour is 75 times 6, over 9 tenths.
11:08And, er, take away the inside leg measurement, that'll be, er, 40 quid.
11:14Does that include redecorating?
11:16Not the bottom price.
11:17No, no, 40.
11:19Well, I think I'd better go and ask Mildred what my decision is.
11:22I won't be a tip.
11:24You'll always be a tip, George.
11:53Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:54Wait, does he think we're made of money?
11:58I don't know, George.
12:00This is the first I've ever heard of woodworm in this house.
12:03Well, there you are, Mrs Hart, irrepetitable proof.
12:06Well, there might be a few, but not 40 quid's worth.
12:09Well, I'll tell you what, I'll cut my throat and come down to 35.
12:12Act your head off, come down to 30.
12:16Done.
12:16OK, good.
12:17Hey, when can you start?
12:18Oh, I don't know, George.
12:19I mean, I'm pretty busy at the moment, what, with one thing and the other.
12:22Up to me eyes, innit?
12:24This afternoon be all right, will it?
12:25Oh, Tar, thanks very much, Larry.
12:31Of course, I really wanted to be an air hostess, or one of Pan's people.
12:36But meanwhile, I'm working at the builder's yard.
12:39Yeah, well, you have to compromise a bit, don't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Still, you never know, I might meet interesting people.
12:45Yeah.
12:45Gary Glitter might come in for a break.
12:48Hello, dears.
12:50Oh, is room for two more?
12:51Yeah.
12:51Oh, that's lovely.
12:53Thank you, dear.
12:55I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad news for you.
12:57Oh, yeah.
12:58Hey, you're riddled with woodworms, Sam.
13:01Well, I didn't think it showed.
13:03No, no, no, I mean the flat.
13:05It's going to have to be sprayed with wood preserver, the old place.
13:07Oh, God, the smell, it'd be horrible.
13:09When's it being done?
13:10It's afternoon, love.
13:11I'm sorry, we couldn't get him any other time.
13:13Yeah, that's dodgy stuff, that, you know.
13:15Not just the smell, the fumes.
13:16Could be dangerous.
13:17Yeah, but we will be able to sleep in there, won't we, tonight, I mean.
13:20Oh, if you breathe out, yeah, but don't breathe in.
13:22Um, no, no, no, because you don't panic.
13:24I mean, we can all toss down with Larry, can't we, mate?
13:26Well, no, not really, you know.
13:29Oh, yeah.
13:31Are you sure?
13:34Listen, how about if we all do...
13:36Look, why don't you all spend the night with us?
13:38Well, we've only got one double bit.
13:40Oh, we can squeeze them all in somehow?
13:44Oh, quite fun, won't it?
13:47Steady as you go, Tom.
14:07Put that stuff over there by the wall.
14:10There we are.
14:11Oh, time for a little break, I reckon.
14:14Oh, right then.
14:15Uh, not you, me.
14:17You clear out that room.
14:20How long before we can move in again?
14:22Uh, 24 hours.
14:23As soon as Tom and me leave, the smell should start to clear.
14:29Here, have a sniff of that.
14:31That's the finest wood preserver in the world.
14:33That, made in Israel.
14:34Uh, just one thing.
14:35Suppose our woodworm aren't Jewish?
14:38What's the difference?
14:39Well, not very much.
14:40I mean, I need a microscope to point it out.
14:41Well, this will soon get rid of them, don't you, Worry?
14:45I mean, look at the guarantee.
14:46Matzah, shalom, shutzpah, bar mitzvah, bagel, kosher, oi vey.
14:51I can't say fairer than that, can you?
14:53No, it's not.
14:54Well, best of luck anyway.
14:55Ah, ta.
14:58Yeah, over there with that.
15:00Just have a quick one before we start.
15:02Oh, by the way.
15:12Yeah?
15:13Um, if Joe pops up, would you mind telling him we're downstairs?
15:16Yeah, right, right, yeah.
15:18Thanks a lot.
15:19No trouble, no.
15:22All right, get spraying.
15:25All the wood, doors, floors, everything that's wood.
15:28You can dip your head in it if you like.
15:30I don't see why they can't sleep upstairs.
15:34A few poisonous fumes never armed anyone.
15:37Oh, George, they are coming down here.
15:39We could lend them our old gas mask,
15:40or they could sleep with their heads out the window.
15:43Oh, shut up.
15:46Oh, hello, dears.
15:48Come in.
15:49You're very, very welcome.
15:51There we are.
15:52Now, this is very, very kind of you.
15:54Oh, nonsense.
15:55It'll be a pleasure having you.
15:56Uh, what actually are the sleeping arrangements?
16:01Oh, well, you'll be in my bed, dear.
16:02I mean, with George, of course.
16:04Um, I'm going to put my head down on this settee,
16:06and as for you and Joe, dear, I thought, well, we'd move the budget.
16:09Oh, great.
16:10I'll have a seat tray joking up a perch.
16:13No, we'll just make room for a couple of camp beds,
16:15and you see, there we all are, settled.
16:17Yeah, hang on a minute.
16:18Hey, if you and me are going to be in the same thing,
16:22you haven't got any bad habits, have you?
16:26Well, no, I mean, I do occasionally have these kung fu dreams, you know.
16:30Exactly.
16:32I'll just dig out the camp beds today.
16:33Now, you two, you make yourselves comfortable, right?
16:35Hey, hang on, Mildred.
16:37What?
16:37Just a minute.
16:39I'm not so sure I like the idea of him and me being the same.
16:42Well, you know, for all I know, he might be a bit, um, you know.
16:45Oh, even if he was, which he isn't, who fancy you?
16:51I mean, it takes me all me time, let alone him.
16:56Oh, it's still raining.
16:58Looks like we're going to have to spend the afternoon here as well.
17:01Do you know, I'm not mad about these sleeping arrangements.
17:03No, I mean, if it was you and me sharing a camp bed.
17:06Go on.
17:07Well, I hadn't thought much more than that.
17:09Yes, you had.
17:10You stay in there with Roper.
17:11Oh, yeah, and that's another thing.
17:12I mean, supposedly he's sort of half-wakes up in the middle of the night,
17:15you know, and sort of takes me for Mrs Roper.
17:18So?
17:19Well, I mean, he might, um, you know.
17:23That would be tough luck.
17:24Yeah.
17:25The one night in the year is in the mood and it's you.
17:29Listen, you never know.
17:32True.
17:33Hey, if he does, I shouldn't mention it to Mrs Roper.
17:35She'd never forgive you.
17:37Here we are, dears.
17:38All ready for tonight.
17:40Oh, it's just like the wartime spirit, isn't it?
17:44Yeah, now, there's a thought.
17:45Couldn't they sleep down the tube station?
17:47George, they are sleeping here.
17:50Anyway, you can make a nice change for me.
17:52Not having your icy feet stuck in the small of my back.
17:55He's got icy feet.
17:56No, I haven't.
17:56It's just that you've got an unnatural hot back.
17:59Like sleeping next to a blast furnace.
18:01Oh, George, stop moaning.
18:03Entertain our guests.
18:04Go on.
18:05Eh?
18:05Go on.
18:07Yeah.
18:07Yeah.
18:07Have you had your summer holidays yet?
18:25No.
18:25This year, I thought I'd wait till winter was over.
18:29Well, I'll tell you what, we can play this game.
18:31Oh, God.
18:32Now, you see, each prisoner of war has to escape in an anti-clockwise direction.
18:37You start by being trapped with no way out.
18:39I know the feeling.
18:43God, blimey, what a niff.
18:46Yeah, I'm the one doing the spraying.
18:49I should have one of them.
18:50Well, we've only got one, haven't we?
18:51Don't be selfish.
18:53You know what, I'll finish the bedroom.
18:55Well, start the cars here now.
18:57And don't forget the seat.
18:59It's a modern one.
19:00It's plastic.
19:01There might be modern woodworm, mightn't there?
19:04I'll do that and then do this lot here, including the guitar.
19:08We might as well give them their money's worth.
19:10Right, then.
19:21Three.
19:22One, two, three.
19:23Out.
19:23I've reached a barbed wire perimeter.
19:25Nothing can stop me now.
19:26I've got a machine gun car that can shoot you.
19:28I've got a foggy night card, so you can't see me.
19:29I've got a searchlight card, so I can.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Well, um, yeah.
19:35What a pity they don't have a babbling for mercy card down and you use it.
19:39Yeah, well, um, hey, how would it be if I betrayed my comrades?
19:43You've already done that twice.
19:45You ain't got any left.
19:47I can't do that.
19:50Ah, you've acquired a disguise as a young German girl.
19:53Avance two squares.
19:54One, two, oh.
19:58Right in the middle of the SS Sparrick room.
20:01Come into here, mein kleiner Dumpling.
20:03We'll have a good time, ja?
20:04Oh, I did think they're in love films like that, especially in the afternoon.
20:12I mean, all those nude women.
20:14Yeah.
20:15And I always thought vampires were supposed to go for the throat.
20:18Yeah, well, something, something.
20:20You, uh, you fancy a quick, uh, drink?
20:23I shouldn't, really.
20:24Oh, come on, Tom.
20:33We'll be here all night.
20:34Well, why don't you have a turn?
20:36He's done his watch.
20:37But I'm supervising.
20:39I mean, if I did it and you watched, you'd be supervising, wouldn't you?
20:42And you're not experienced enough.
20:46Amy?
20:47Amy?
20:48Oh.
20:49Uh, I live upstairs.
20:52I've just come down to borrow some, what, to, uh, to get my bottle of scotch back.
20:55Uh, scotch, yeah.
20:56Yeah, and, uh, and some records, yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:01There's not much left.
21:02No, well, someone left the top off.
21:05It evaporates, doesn't it, Tom?
21:06Oh, yeah, it evaporates.
21:09Especially with Gerry around.
21:12Uh, now, records.
21:14Something smooth and sexy.
21:16Hello, hello.
21:17You've got a bit of fluff lined up, have you?
21:18Yeah, she's, uh, she's right on a boil, you know?
21:21I mean, I play me cards right.
21:22Yeah, get in there.
21:23You're only young once, aren't you?
21:25When I was young, you know.
21:26How much longer are you?
21:30Oh.
21:31Vera?
21:33Hello, Dad.
21:36Yes, well, uh, it was ever so nice, I think I'd better be going home now.
21:44Yeah.
21:48Eleven, twelve, yeah.
21:51Opportunity.
21:53Oh, I shall now parachute safely into neutral territory.
21:56You can't parachute from an escape tunnel.
21:58Oh, yes, I can.
22:00Oh, no, you can't.
22:02And you can't throw thirteen with two dice.
22:04Oh, yeah, sorry.
22:06Go back twelve squares.
22:09Oh, God, it's true.
22:10Oh, never mind, double six, throw again.
22:12What?
22:12Oh, yeah.
22:15Two.
22:16One, two.
22:18You have been shot in both legs, Miss Three Toes.
22:22Bloody stupid game.
22:25Look at that dirty little toe rag.
22:27Sniffing around my Vera like that.
22:29Oh, I'd have swiped him one of you hadn't held me back.
22:31Oh, I didn't hold you back.
22:32Er, no, no, no, no, but you would have done if I'd gone to swipe him, so there wasn't any point with it, was there?
22:36But if he comes here again, I'll doubt if I can contain myself.
22:41What?
22:43What's happening?
22:44Who are you?
22:45Tom.
22:46And Jerry.
22:47Oh.
22:49Don't look like them.
22:51Er, you're sleeping downstairs tonight.
22:53We're doing your woodwork with this stuff.
22:55Oh, yes.
22:59Hmm.
23:00Have you by any chance got a receipt for this little lot?
23:04Um, er...
23:05Ah.
23:07Five, six, seven.
23:10I have now surrounded you in all directions,
23:13and I call on you to surrender.
23:16I shan't, so there.
23:17You are looking down the barrel of eight machine guns and one tiger tank.
23:22You can't say shan'ts are there.
23:25It's me last man, Mildred.
23:26Oh, Mr. Roper, it's only a game.
23:28It isn't real life.
23:29Oh, he loses that as well, dear.
23:31All right, I'll surrender.
23:34Nothing like a good loser.
23:35No, he isn't.
23:36There's no skill in that.
23:37She'll be in luck, that's all.
23:40Oh, hello, Jerry.
23:41Are you finished, then?
23:42Er, not quite, George.
23:43No, no, I'm just going down to the police station
23:45to help this gentleman with his inquiries.
23:48Nipped.
23:49From a local warehouse last week.
23:51What, a wood preserver?
23:52Right.
23:53Actually, no.
23:54It's not wood preserver.
23:56Isn't it?
23:56No.
23:57It's antifreeze.
23:59Come on.
24:03Oh.
24:05Antifreeze?
24:05Well, there's one good thing to come out of it.
24:07I mean, we'll have no trouble starting up the floorboards in the morning, will we?
24:13I mean, we'll have no trouble starting up the floorboards in the morning.
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