- 5 days ago
First broadcast 10th March 1976.
When George refuses to go with Mildred to a dance on board a boat in the Thames, she asks Robin to be her escort and he agrees.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Mike Savage - Doorman
When George refuses to go with Mildred to a dance on board a boat in the Thames, she asks Robin to be her escort and he agrees.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Mike Savage - Doorman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:00Do you know something?
01:12That's got to be one of the sexiest films I've ever seen.
01:14I don't know how to get away with it.
01:16I mean, there were a couple of moments there that was really getting me going.
01:19Oh, and me.
01:20I mean, that bit where Pluto leapt onto Donald Duck's bed.
01:22Yes, yes.
01:23That was sexy, too, but I was thinking more of the main feature film.
01:27Oh, yeah, the one you said was going to be so cultural.
01:29Well, it was. It was.
01:31I mean, you know, what that girl was doing to that fella, it was, um, it was symbolic.
01:37Of what?
01:38Why should I care? He didn't.
01:40I don't suppose you feel a teeny bit symbolic, do you?
01:44Oh, dear, forget it.
01:46Jimmy, if we didn't share a flat, I would have come back to your place or you would have come back to mine.
01:51Oh, we've done both.
01:52Yes, that is true.
01:53Jo, Jo, why don't you go to bed?
01:57I've got a bowl of cornflakes.
01:59Well, it's not the same.
02:00I mean, you can't snuggle up in a bowl of cornflakes and you get your pyjamas soggy, you see.
02:03Look, I don't like playing gooseberry in the manger.
02:05Well, who would?
02:07So, if you two are in the mood...
02:08I'm not in the mood.
02:09Think of Pluto leaping onto Donald Duck's bed.
02:11Go on.
02:12Well, you'll have to wait till tomorrow night.
02:14I'm going out, then, to a party.
02:15Tomorrow night.
02:15She's going out tomorrow night.
02:17I might not still be in the mood.
02:18Yes, I know.
02:19What do you mean, still?
02:20Jo, I can't wait.
02:20These are my peak yearning years.
02:22Don't be so impatient.
02:24Yeah, you've got to learn to hang your hat up first.
02:26Oh, oh, yeah, point taken.
02:27All right, then, tomorrow night it is.
02:28Just the two of us.
02:29All right?
02:29I shall prepare a meal for two with candlelight, wine, music.
02:35What more could a man ask?
02:36Oh, you'll think of something.
02:37Very true.
02:38Listen, what makes you think tomorrow night's going to be any different?
02:40We've been alone together before.
02:42Because you are beginning to weaken.
02:44I mean, for instance, last night, you nearly gave in.
02:46I didn't.
02:47I was washing my hair.
02:48Not in my dream, you were.
02:50George, you're out of the way.
03:04Huh?
03:08Hey, look at the hairs up there, Mildred.
03:10Look at them.
03:14I've got very virile nostrils, eh?
03:18Pluck a few of them out and plant them on your head, George.
03:20You always make remarks about my eye forehead.
03:26I've never mentioned it.
03:28Do you think you can move over?
03:29It's flashing in my eyes.
03:32You seem to like baldness in other fellas.
03:34Like that man who goes around saying,
03:36Who loves you, baby?
03:38You know who I mean.
03:40The milkman?
03:40Kozak.
03:43I've seen you.
03:44Every time he comes on the telly, you clench your kneecaps.
03:48What's he got that I haven't got, eh?
03:50A big lollipop.
03:51Oh.
03:51Yeah, well, that's just a gimmick, that is.
03:57What do you mean, the milkman?
03:59Oh, leave it, George.
04:00Are you coming to bed?
04:02What for?
04:04To sleep.
04:05Oh, yeah, I don't mind that.
04:08It's a bit early, isn't it?
04:09Well, we're going to be very late tomorrow.
04:11Oh, yeah.
04:11What for that toffee nose knees up?
04:13The Floral Society's annual dinner dance.
04:16Yeah, that's it.
04:18May I have a pleasure of the quick twist, Lady Snooty Conk?
04:21Or perchance I'd prefer to wait for the black bottom?
04:23That reminds me, George, you ought to have a bath.
04:27I'm not going.
04:29George, you'll enjoy it this time.
04:31We're going to go cruising down the Thames.
04:34Yeah, that's another thing.
04:35It's against nature dancing on a boat.
04:36I'm not going.
04:37You are, George.
04:38No, I'm not.
04:39You are!
04:43Right.
04:44I shall breach your outer defences with a seductive seafood salad.
04:48I will then batter down your drawbridge with my beef wellington,
04:51and you will finally surrender to my apple dumplings.
04:54Sounds like an orgy.
04:55Do you know, this meal has been banned in 39 countries.
04:57Look, you've cooked for me before.
04:59It never got you anywhere.
05:00Yes, I know.
05:00That's because we always had Blondie Bumstead hanging around.
05:02But listen, tonight it will just be the two of us.
05:05Hard luck.
05:05I'm on a man-free diet.
05:07Oh, well, you'll spoil yourself.
05:08Look, tonight, you see, we'll splash out on a nice, nice bottle of wine,
05:12and afterwards, cough in Randy.
05:14Jo, Jo, are you still going out tonight?
05:16Yes.
05:17That is a pity, because the mood I'm in, I think I could tackle both of you.
05:20That's confidence for you.
05:21Oh, there's many a man with a two-car garage that only has a bicycle inside.
05:29Jo, what does that mean?
05:32I don't know.
05:33I read it on the back of a matchbox.
05:35Are you going to the shops?
05:37But of course I am.
05:38A master chef always gets his ingredients at the very last possible moment.
05:43Well, don't forget the toilet rolls.
05:46Well, of course, Bronco avec sauce, benet, with a little ladry, chateau de mestos.
05:52Parfait, bicycle.
05:53He really fancies his chances.
05:56So do I fancy his chances, after what you did in his dream last night.
06:00His dreams have got nothing to do with me.
06:02There's no smoke without fire.
06:04Look, I can handle Robin and his beef Wellington, no problem.
06:07You're not going to be out too late tonight, are you?
06:14George.
06:15We're leaving in less than two hours.
06:18I'll round you a nice bath.
06:20I don't want to go.
06:22I've got this sore toe.
06:24I see.
06:25Sore toe.
06:26Last night was an headache.
06:28You've got something wrong with you at both ends, George.
06:31An in-between isn't functioning too well, are you?
06:34Now, don't start that again.
06:36I'm not going.
06:37All right, George, you're not going.
06:39But have your bath anyway, hmm?
06:41Then you might as well put on a clean shirt, put your suit on, comb your hair.
06:47I mean, even if you're not going, George, it'll make you feel better.
06:50Oh, yeah?
06:50Then I might as well walk you down to the corner, even though I'm not going.
06:54Call you a taxi, even though I'm not going.
06:55You must think of me, I'm dark, I'm not going.
06:59George, you are taking advantage of the fact that I'm a weak woman and easily dominated.
07:05No, I'm not, Mildred.
07:07I mean, it's just that, well, I don't want to go.
07:10All right.
07:11Since you won't go, I'd have to have a man to take me.
07:14Well, all right, well, you do that.
07:16I mean, even if it is short notice, I can find someone.
07:20Yeah, and if there's any help, you can have my bath.
07:22Well, you'll like my apple dumplings.
07:27They cook slowly, but they'll simply melt in your mouth.
07:30You aren't going to get carried away tonight, are you?
07:32Well, I may be.
07:33There is a stretcher party standing by.
07:35But you're not getting worried, are you?
07:37Of course I'm not.
07:39Of course you're not.
07:40I mean, after all, you've got willpower, self-control.
07:44Well, I mean, you'll be able to resist my feeble blandishments.
07:48Yes.
07:48Yes, I mean, just because I've wined and dined you, we'll all be alone.
07:54I mean, you won't worry, will you?
07:56No.
07:57No, I don't believe it either.
07:59Oh, you get on.
08:00Joe, you know this party you're going to tonight?
08:04Is there room for another girl?
08:05No.
08:06Spore the balance.
08:07Three men to every girl.
08:08It's just right.
08:09He's making me nervous.
08:11Well, lie back and think of England.
08:13What time is it?
08:14Uh, quarter to set.
08:16Six.
08:17Excuse me, dear.
08:19Just come back to return you a perfume.
08:22It's wasted on George, of course.
08:24Oh, it was supposed to go on you.
08:27Yes, I did use it, love.
08:29I don't know why I'm bothered, really.
08:30I mean, George is being his usual self.
08:32Oh, that's pretty rotten of him.
08:34Yeah.
08:34He doesn't want to come.
08:36Oh, has he let you down at the last minute?
08:37Oh, I'm used to that, love.
08:40I, um, I was wondering what Mr. Tripp was doing this evening.
08:43I mean, you know, I know it's short notice, but is he going to be out tonight?
08:46Ah, now he may have his hands full.
08:48No, he won't.
08:49He's not doing anything tonight, Robin, are you?
08:51What?
08:51You're free tonight.
08:52I may be free.
08:53I may make a small charge.
08:54Who can tell...
08:54Oh, sorry.
08:55Good evening.
08:56Hello.
08:56Mrs. Roper needs an escort for tonight.
08:58Uh-huh.
08:58To take her to the dinner dance, because Mr. Roper can't make it.
09:00Yeah, and we thought you could take her instead.
09:03Me?
09:03Hmm.
09:05Take you?
09:06To a dinner and dance?
09:08Ah.
09:09Yes.
09:09Well, you know, I'd love to, but...
09:11He'd love to!
09:12Wait a minute.
09:13I said but.
09:14Um, I'm, uh...
09:15Well, I'm pretty draggy company, you know.
09:17Yes, that is true.
09:19Well, I mean, I won't be offended, love, if you say no.
09:22Oh, good.
09:23No.
09:25I see.
09:25Well, I'm sorry.
09:26I mean, when I say no,
09:27perhaps I could have put it better.
09:29I, uh...
09:30No, I couldn't, actually.
09:31No is the right word, I'm sorry.
09:33Well, I mean,
09:34you don't want a boring evening with a middle-aged woman.
09:37You're very understanding.
09:39Yes.
09:40Well,
09:41I'll, uh,
09:42I'll leave you, um,
09:43young people to, um...
09:46Yeah.
09:47Well,
09:48bye-bye.
09:49Well, congratulations.
09:50You've really made her day.
09:52Get dressed.
09:58You're coming.
10:00Oh, yeah?
10:01What happened to all those horse of fellas flocking round,
10:03queuing up to take...
10:04Get dressed!
10:06I do not cave in under threats, Mildred.
10:09Oh, yes, you do.
10:10Bathroom!
10:11Yeah, well, perhaps just this one.
10:12It's the bathroom.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:14It's not a question of giving in, you know.
10:17Of course not, George.
10:18Don't leave a tie back round your neck.
10:20And don't play submarines, there isn't time.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:23And do between your toes.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:26Mildred?
10:29Yes?
10:30I'm not coming.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:32What?
10:33I've locked the door.
10:35I'm staying here till it's all over.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37You little...
10:38You just may come out of there, George!
10:41You come out of there, George!
10:43APPLAUSE
10:44Oh, now, come on.
11:08Let's not spoil our evening just because I've spoiled hers.
11:11And you have.
11:12She's been looking forward to this riverboat thing for weeks.
11:15Now she can't go.
11:16She'll be sitting down there by the fireside, crying.
11:19Oh, don't forget the cinders and the pumpkin and the mice.
11:23I mean, why blame me?
11:23Why not blame old Roper?
11:25Because he's a mean, rotten little swine and you're not.
11:27And that's the full extent of my guilt?
11:28Yes.
11:29Right, case dismissed.
11:30Listen, she's done us favours.
11:32Many times.
11:33At least you could do one for her.
11:34It's not too much to ask.
11:35Look, what is this?
11:36It's stereophonic nagging.
11:37I was in the middle of preparing a meal and I was looking forward to, er...
11:43Yeah, I know what you were looking forward to.
11:44I can do it myself.
11:45You can't, Chrissie.
11:46It's not the same thing.
11:47I can finish cooking the meal and I'll save you some for supper.
11:51Yes, I know, Chrissie.
11:51I mean, you know, I don't...
11:53I mean, I was after...
11:54It's not fair.
11:58You are a grown man.
12:01Grown men do not lock themselves in the lavatory.
12:03Now, come out.
12:04No.
12:06George.
12:07Now, be sensible.
12:08Now, if you come out, we can discuss this.
12:11Like reasonable people.
12:14I'll stay in here, Mildred.
12:16I'm warning you, George.
12:18No use looking at me like that.
12:20Doesn't work through two inches of chipboard.
12:22Now, I'm going to ask you for the last time.
12:25Will you or will you not come out of there?
12:28Because if you don't, I'm going to...
12:29Oh!
12:31Hello.
12:32Hello.
12:35Woodworm.
12:36Oh, little devils.
12:39Mrs. Roper, I was wondering if I could have a word with you, please.
12:42Oh, yes, of course, love.
12:44Would you like to go to the lounge?
12:45Oh, right.
12:45Right.
12:46Sorry.
12:46No, no, no, no.
12:47Go on, after you.
12:48Oh!
12:52Oh, thank you.
12:54Oh.
12:55Well, Mrs. Roper, the thing is, I've been thinking over your kind offer, you know, for
13:01me to take you to the, um...
13:03Oh, unless, of course, you've found somebody else.
13:04Oh, no, love, I haven't.
13:05No.
13:06Oh, that is a relief.
13:07Yes.
13:08Uh, all right, then.
13:11I'll do it.
13:11I'll take you.
13:12I mean, may I take you?
13:13Well, I'd esteem it a great privilege if you'd like me to.
13:16Oh, no, come on.
13:16Mr. Tripp, you're too kind.
13:18No, no, I couldn't accept.
13:20No?
13:20Oh, well, there you go, sir.
13:21No, no, no.
13:23But, I mean, if you really want to go, well, I mustn't disappoint you.
13:27Um, you'll need a tie.
13:29A tie, right.
13:30Yes.
13:30Oh, shall we say, uh, about half an hour?
13:33Half an hour.
13:33All right.
13:35You know, I'm sure I'm really going to enjoy this.
13:39Yeah.
13:43You'll probably enjoy it.
13:44Yeah, like hell I will.
13:46I know why you're forcing me to go.
13:48It's because you were beginning to weaken.
13:49All's fair in lust and war.
13:51I know.
13:52What about my poor beef Wellington?
13:53Well, I'll save you some.
13:54And I'll promise you something else.
13:56I'll sit at the table and think sexy thoughts about you.
13:58What?
13:59Well, it's safe when you're not here.
14:01Sir, I've lost an earring.
14:02I mean, I can't go to the party with one earring on.
14:04Well, take it off.
14:05Go with matching earlobes.
14:07Oh, I have to.
14:09Hey, don't go empty-handed.
14:10Take him down with you.
14:11And see he doesn't make a break for it.
14:13Oh, I...
14:13I know you're still out there, Mildred.
14:17You don't frighten me by not threatening me.
14:20Yes, I'm here, George.
14:22Oof.
14:25As far as I'm concerned, George,
14:27you can stay there from Monday to Saturday.
14:29All year, if you like.
14:30I'll shove your birthday cake through the keyhole.
14:36Bye-bye.
14:37See you later.
14:38Enjoy yourself.
14:41I don't care if you've never come out.
14:43I mean, you can just stay in there and rot.
14:45As far as I...
14:46Oh.
14:48You're really giving those woodworm a hard time, aren't you?
14:52Woodworm.
14:52Oh, yes, er...
14:54Well, erm...
14:56Should we go?
14:57Why not?
14:59Oh, thank you.
15:00Oh, goodnight, Mr Roper.
15:04Who's that?
15:06Mildred?
15:08Ah, hey, don't fool me.
15:10I know you're still out there.
15:11Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
15:29Er, here you are, dear.
15:30Oh, thank you.
15:32Here you are.
15:33Thank you, madam.
15:34Mildred?
15:48I'm coming out now.
15:51I expect you to behave with restraint.
15:56Mildred?
15:56What's that muck about?
16:02Mildred?
16:05Mildred?
16:10Anyone in?
16:11Kitchen.
16:13Oh.
16:14Erm, I'm looking for Mildred.
16:16Mrs Roper.
16:17Oh, er, she's gone to the dinner dance with Robin.
16:20What a young fella.
16:21Oh.
16:22Oh, twisted his arm, did she?
16:24I got out of it, you know.
16:25Hmm, so I believe.
16:27And if I may say so, it was reprehensible.
16:29Oh, thank you very much.
16:31You see, er, I'm not one for dancing.
16:33I've got this legacy.
16:34I've had it since the war.
16:36How long have you had the other one?
16:37Yeah.
16:38No, you see, it was a piece of Jerry shrapnel.
16:40You see, look, hey, look, right there.
16:41A yard nearer the heart and I'd have been dead.
16:43Yeah, you have mentioned it.
16:45Ah, yeah, well, I suppose you don't remember the war, do you?
16:48Ah, yeah, night after night, taking everything.
16:50Jerry bombers could throw at us.
16:52Two ounces of cheese.
16:53A drop cheese?
16:55One egg, just a little bit of bacon.
16:57Hey, talk about food.
16:59Mildred didn't leave me any supper.
17:00What's that?
17:01That looks nice.
17:01What's that?
17:02Beef Wellington.
17:05Ah, no, don't be silly.
17:09Well, there's plenty of it there, isn't there?
17:11You on your own tonight?
17:13Yes.
17:13Yeah, that's quite a lot for one, isn't it?
17:15Are you hinting, Mr. Roper?
17:17Hinting what?
17:18Do you want to share this?
17:19Oh, that's very kind of you.
17:20Thank you, I accept.
17:21Oh, I'll just nip down and tidy myself up a bit.
17:23Why?
17:25Well, if Mildred can go out with a young fella, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, ain't it?
17:31I'm sorry about kicking your knee like that, but I don't know the steps of the, what was it called?
17:49Pally Glide, dear.
17:50Oh, there's no one for that.
17:52Here, perhaps later.
17:53We might have a mazurka.
17:54Oh, good, I'm starving.
18:05Oh.
18:12I do hope you're not feeling out of it, dear.
18:14No, no, no, I feel right in it.
18:15Oh.
18:15I really do.
18:17They're a lively lot, aren't they?
18:18Yeah.
18:19For the age of me.
18:20I seem to be the youngest one here.
18:22I hope you don't mind.
18:23Oh, well, I do have my reputation to think of, dear.
18:26And this isn't doing it a bit of harm.
18:29You know, because they're terrible gossips.
18:31Oh, yeah.
18:32Especially that one over there in the blue dress.
18:34Oh, dreadful gossip.
18:36Mind you, I can't stand gossip myself.
18:39Especially when it comes from someone who's no better than she ought to be.
18:41I mean, after all, I don't take an hour and a half to get my meter read.
18:51Oh, it's a quick step.
18:53Oh, this is more your generation, dear.
19:02Yes?
19:08I'm back.
19:10I've brought you a little something.
19:11A flower.
19:14Or a flower.
19:16Oh, thank you.
19:17It's plastic so it lasts longer.
19:21I, uh, I've got it free with a packet of slug pellets.
19:26Well, uh, do sit down.
19:28Oh, yes.
19:29Thank you very much.
19:31Oh, there.
19:32See you.
19:33There.
19:36We more mature men,
19:38we think of these little niceties.
19:40Would you like some carrots?
19:42No, thanks.
19:42They give me wind.
19:47I mean, the more mature man isn't so, uh, impetuous, is he?
19:50You hang your hat up first.
19:52What hat?
19:54Mr. Roper, you're a masher.
19:56Oh, yeah.
19:58Yes, I suppose I am, really.
19:59Where do you hear that word?
20:00My grandad used to use it.
20:02Oh, yeah.
20:03Yes, I mean, the, uh, more mature man, well, he can sometimes be attractive to the younger
20:09woman, wouldn't you say so?
20:10No, no, no, you wouldn't.
20:12Uh, no beans, thanks.
20:13They give me the gallops.
20:17No, I mean, you take Mildred and this young fella.
20:20Well, it's the same difference, really, isn't it?
20:21Oh, but she's looked after herself.
20:23I mean, she's still a very attractive woman.
20:25Well, so am I.
20:26Oh, man, I think.
20:28I mean, Mildred, well, given that she didn't have much to start with, she's kept it going.
20:32Done a good job of scaffolding.
20:33Well, long past when there's any point of it, really.
20:37A lot of men would find her very attractive.
20:39Well, a lot of men need glasses.
20:41I mean, this young fella may take Mildred out, but, well, that's just pity, isn't it?
20:45Certainly not.
20:47Well, what is it, then?
20:48Well, he can't fancy her, can he?
20:50Mr Roper, you underestimate her.
20:52Well, I just think that you...
20:55I mean, he does fancy her.
20:56Why'd you say that?
20:58Come to think of it, I've seen him iron her on the stairway.
21:01And now they're out alone together.
21:03I've heard of these shit-balled romances.
21:05Middle-aged woman and a giggle-house.
21:07Mr Roper!
21:08Yeah, then there's a walk home together.
21:10A shy shove in the doorway and a quick snob.
21:12Why would you do that?
21:13I'm talking about her.
21:16She's very impetuous, Mildred.
21:18I don't suppose he's too choosy in the dark.
21:21I'll say what she was up to now, locking me in the loo.
21:23Oh, blimey.
21:31Oh!
21:33Oh!
21:34That was lovely.
21:35I really felt as if I was floating.
21:38You were, actually.
21:39This is a boat.
21:40Oh, I feel like a 20-year-old girl.
21:52Yeah, so do I.
21:53I feel like.
21:55Well, you are.
21:56That's what's probably warm.
21:59Of course, we're warm in here, isn't it?
22:02Well, perhaps we should go for a stroll on the deck.
22:05Well, it's not that warm.
22:08It's in.
22:10It'd be cool.
22:11Wait, eh, eh.
22:21Oh, er, evening, Captain.
22:23Er, er.
22:23Well, we just about made it, didn't we, sir?
22:26Eh?
22:26Your ticket, please.
22:28Oh, er, yes.
22:31I mean, see, I'm a bit of Harry.
22:32The wife, she's, er...
22:34I've left in the other suit.
22:36We've got another suit, haven't we?
22:37Can we wear that one?
22:39Go on.
22:47That's very interesting, you know, really.
22:49Really is.
22:50Well, you see, the terrible thing about George, Esme,
22:53he never pays for those little compliments, you know.
22:57No, no.
22:59Oh, yes, er, that's a very pretty dress.
23:03Oh, Mr. Triff.
23:05It has been said that my shoulders are one of my best features.
23:09Not true.
23:10Er, very true.
23:10Especially, especially that one.
23:12I mean, I haven't got anything against the other one.
23:14But, er, you know, if it, if it, if it came to the crunch,
23:17er, that definitely would be the one for me.
23:26Ah, right.
23:28What have you two been up to then, eh?
23:29George!
23:30You're coming home with me, Mildred.
23:32I haven't even seen.
23:33Ah, that's the right one, is it?
23:35Right.
23:35Come on, put them up.
23:36Come on.
23:38What have I done?
23:39They all seem the same to you in the dark, don't they?
23:41Come on, come on.
23:41Come on, put them up.
23:42Come on, put them up.
23:43Put them up.
23:45Put that up there, yeah.
23:48See, it's all those you've been going out with.
23:50George!
23:51We're going home now.
23:52Hey, follow me.
23:55George, you're just being childish.
23:56Ah, childish.
23:57Come on.
23:58Childish, is it?
23:59Childish.
23:59We'll see who's being childish.
24:01We're leaving this boat at once, Mildred.
24:02Do you hear me?
24:03At once.
24:03No, no, no, no, that is water wings.
24:15No, no, no, no, that is your new suit.
24:19Same this.
24:20No!
24:21No!
24:30No!
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