- 2 days ago
First broadcast 19th September 1973.
Robin is due to play for the college in a football game but ends up in bed with a heavy cold, which he has caught from George Roper.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Duncan Lamont - Dr. Macleod
Michael Redfern - Tom
Michael J. Jackson - Barry
Irene Peters - Student
Robin is due to play for the college in a football game but ends up in bed with a heavy cold, which he has caught from George Roper.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Duncan Lamont - Dr. Macleod
Michael Redfern - Tom
Michael J. Jackson - Barry
Irene Peters - Student
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
01:30It's your turn to wash up this week.
01:31Most of these are from last week when it was your turn.
01:35I recognise the egg.
01:37I'm making the beds this week.
01:38Not every day, but there's no point going mad.
01:40Look, the pan's coming off and the egg isn't.
01:43I think I'd like one of those continental things to fling on my bed.
01:47Like Slashy Distel?
01:49Yeah, you do. Keep you warm.
01:52Ah, here comes dinner.
01:55Right, besides the chips, the peas are in the pan.
01:56What's for the main course?
01:58Chocolate cream gutter.
02:00Well, you won't need the gravy.
02:02Well, listen, I can't pick and choose what I'm given to cook,
02:03but next Saturday, football.
02:05Braised, boiled, fried?
02:07I'm playing it.
02:08I'm in the team for the technical college.
02:10Oh, can't you get out of it?
02:11Well, I'm playing, you see.
02:12I mean, it's a great privilege.
02:13It's an honour, you know, and it also pulls the birds.
02:15I mean, South Kent Tech is a very widely known team.
02:17Never heard of it.
02:18Well, no.
02:19I mean, neither right of today, but it's widely known to a select few.
02:23They're seventh in the league.
02:24How many are there?
02:25Uh, well, eight.
02:26You know, but they've been having a lot of bad luck recently.
02:28I mean, the only reason I'm playing is that, you know,
02:30one of the regulars, Barry, he sprained his toe kicking the scoreboard.
02:33So they picked you?
02:34Whoa, come on.
02:35I mean, there were only two people who were available for football,
02:37and the other one, you know, she was pregnant, so...
02:39I could score with both feet.
02:41Oh, you'd think he'd fall over.
02:43And look, we're very pleased for you,
02:44but what are we going to do for dinner tonight?
02:46Well, there's a Chinese takeaway around the corner.
02:48No, there isn't.
02:48They've taken it away.
02:50It's a betting shop now.
02:51Tell you what, we'll go down to the monkey duck
02:53and buy you a pint and pie to celebrate, all right?
02:55Really, George, I've never heard such a language.
03:02That traffic wouldn't have got a job to do.
03:04Well, I ain't the same, my piece.
03:06Young company old twit, I said,
03:07I've half her mind to thump you, I said.
03:09Yeah, only after she'd gone.
03:12Hello, dear.
03:14Hello.
03:14Right, so that's two lagers and a pint.
03:16And I'll have a large scotch.
03:20Oh, yeah, I'll have one of the same, dear.
03:22Yeah, I'll give you a hand to carry them.
03:24Oh, thank you very much.
03:25Great.
03:28He's a bit bolshy tonight.
03:30Threatened a traffic warden.
03:32Him.
03:33They wouldn't have him as bouncer for mother care.
03:36That's just the full moon.
03:37And a large scotch.
03:39Oh, it's purely traditional.
03:40I've got these terrible...
03:41I can add three of those pies, please.
03:43Could you make that three cheese rolls?
03:50You come and see me on Saturday.
03:52I'm playing football for the Technical College.
03:53Football?
03:54Cool.
03:55Hasn't been the same since Stanley Bathew's retired.
03:57Stanley Bathew's?
03:59Stanley Bathew's.
04:01The wizard of the dribble.
04:03Oh, yeah.
04:03I used to have dozens of colds every winter.
04:05Then I started taking vitamin C.
04:07Last year, I only had one.
04:08Oh, really?
04:09Lasted from October to March.
04:11Then she gave it to the milkman.
04:13Well, it was his birthday.
04:14There you go.
04:16Three cheese rolls.
04:19Pipe for myself.
04:22Oh, yeah.
04:24Bathian, Bortonson, Banyan.
04:27They're all barbless pit-filled, Ben.
04:28Yes, and we've got them today.
04:30Yeah, as long as they lay about.
04:31Too busy putting in their heated rollers to train.
04:34Now, come on.
04:34Take Peter Osgood.
04:35Well, you take him.
04:36I'll take him.
04:36So will I.
04:37You can curl one in on me any time.
04:39Well, he never scored five goals for Blackpool in the cup.
04:42No, no.
04:42He plays for Chelsea.
04:44Always an excuse.
04:45Can't we talk about something less controversial?
04:48Religion or politics?
04:49Yes, George.
04:50All right, all right.
04:53I think Enoch Powell should be Prime Minister.
04:58Let's talk about Bathuse, Bortonson and Banyan.
05:00Oh, stop panicking.
05:07You don't see me scurrying about trying to get to work on time.
05:09I'm calm, relaxed, in control of the situation.
05:12It's your day off.
05:13That's part of it.
05:14Don't tell me that clock's slow.
05:17No.
05:18Oh, good.
05:18It's stopped.
05:19Oh, God.
05:21Have you given Robin a knock?
05:22He's awake.
05:22I heard him sneezing.
05:23Sneezing?
05:26Morning.
05:27What's the matter?
05:28Don't you feel too good?
05:29Well, I...
05:33It's happened!
05:39No.
05:42Don't you bring that cold in here.
05:44No, we don't want your rotten germs.
05:46Oh, please, please, no sympathy, please.
05:49I've got such a headache all over.
05:52You know where you got that, don't you?
05:53Roper.
05:54Yeah.
05:55Mark that cup so as we don't use it.
05:57Oh, I'll carry a bell if you like.
05:58I'm clean, I'm clean.
06:00Honestly, if I don't shake this off a satire, you know, I'm not going to be fit to play.
06:04Oh, poor thing.
06:05We must look after ourselves, mustn't we?
06:07We must get better.
06:08We must go to bed.
06:10We?
06:10Optimist.
06:13Take our medicine chest with you.
06:15What?
06:15Oh, God.
06:17Oh.
06:17Come on.
06:20In you go.
06:21Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:25I think I'll give you my electric blanket.
06:27Well, someone's got to look after him, haven't they?
06:30Oh, we could have him destroyed.
06:31What?
06:32Lose his share of the rent?
06:33Here we are.
06:49Hot lemon juice.
06:54What?
06:54You've got that lipstick stuck up your nose.
06:57So, I don't know what half these things are in here for.
07:04No, neither do we, but they might come in useful one day.
07:07Oh, look, have some of these.
07:08They're a pretty colour.
07:10Jojo, look, it's very dangerous to take medicine without a doctor's prescription.
07:13Oh, they won't do you any harm.
07:15Men don't get what they're for.
07:16Oh.
07:16I dug out that old electric blanket of ours.
07:22It's a bit moth-eaten, but it should be all right.
07:23What, that old thing?
07:24But that was here when we came.
07:26Listen, are you sure this is safe?
07:28Yeah, of course it is.
07:29It's probably pre-war, but then electricity hasn't changed much, has it?
07:32How am I getting electrocuted?
07:34You want to live forever?
07:36Get in.
07:38I'm going to be late for work.
07:40Well, off you go, then.
07:41No, no, I want to see what happens when you switch it on.
07:43It's perfectly safe.
07:46The late, oi, oi, why have you got your fingers crossed, then?
07:49Well, you never know, do you?
07:50What?
07:51Right.
07:52Five, four, three, two, one, six.
07:59Oh, I'm going.
08:00Oh, hot mothballs.
08:03Right, where's that thermometer, Lars?
08:05Ah, here we are.
08:07Chrissie, Chrissie, that's a cookie thermometer.
08:10So?
08:11Listen, the last time that was used,
08:12it was probably stuffed up a chicken.
08:13I'm not putting that in my mouth.
08:15There are other places.
08:17Oh, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
08:19Oh, of course.
08:20Right, I've got the ideal thing for you.
08:22Oh, Mother Asquith's mystical remedies.
08:24Oh, yeah.
08:25Now, take a quantity of boiled cabbage leaves,
08:28an oil of cod's liver,
08:30and beeswax,
08:31and place on the parts.
08:32I beg your pardon?
08:35That's for gout.
08:36Here's one for colds.
08:38Take one pound of goose grease.
08:40Goose grease?
08:41Have you ever seen a goose with flu?
08:43No, no.
08:44It's to rub on your chest.
08:45I see.
08:46But don't worry,
08:46you'll live to play football again.
08:48I'll get you better,
08:49even if it kills you.
08:50Oh, ho, ho.
08:52Goose grease.
08:55Ah, lard'll do.
09:00Eggs.
09:03Vinegar.
09:05Vinegar.
09:06Ah, spirits of turpentine.
09:10Slurper turps.
09:13Ah, spirit of wine.
09:16Spirit of wine.
09:17Ye gin bottle.
09:24Morning, morning.
09:25Hey, I've just dug out this photograph album
09:27to show the young fella.
09:28There's a picture in here,
09:29me and Stanley Matthews together.
09:30You sound a lot better this morning.
09:32Oh, the cold.
09:33Oh, oh, yeah, I think I lost it.
09:34No, you haven't.
09:35It's up here.
09:36Ah, something on the stove.
09:38Me and Stanley.
09:39Now, there was the player.
09:40You never saw him tripping over his own hair.
09:43Ah, look, there we are.
09:44That's him just after he scored in the final.
09:46Well, I can see Stanley Matthews,
09:47but where are you?
09:48Oh, well, there's me there in the background.
09:50What, being carried off the pitch by the police?
09:53Hello.
09:54What have you got there?
09:54It's Robin's.
09:55Oh, excuse me.
09:56Oh, yeah.
09:57He's a bit of a chef, I believe.
09:59Cordon Bleu.
10:02Oh, it's piquant.
10:07Must be an acquired taste.
10:10Camphor.
10:10Why are you putting camphor in it?
10:12Because he's got a cold.
10:12This is to rub on his chest.
10:14Oh.
10:16Um, he's in bed if you want to see him.
10:18Oh, medium rare.
10:23Great.
10:24Right, I'm ready for basting.
10:27Hello.
10:28Oh, hello.
10:29It's Typhoid Mary.
10:30Come on, don't we love it?
10:32I've brought this to show you.
10:34Ah, look, there he is.
10:35A wizard of the dribble.
10:36Oh, yeah.
10:37Great.
10:38Oh, yeah, and some idiot being carried off by the police.
10:40Honestly, it's so ridiculous to the way they've run on.
10:44And, er...
10:45Well, natural enthusiasm.
10:48Oh, I suppose.
10:49All right, lie back.
10:50Open your pyjama top.
10:51Listen, are you sure this is going to work?
10:53Well, old mother Asquith swore by it.
10:55She must have been mad.
10:56Oh, no, but it smells terrible.
10:58You should taste it, son.
11:00Listen, I'm not quite...
11:02Oh!
11:05Oh, it's hot.
11:07Don't you, baby?
11:08I'd quite enjoy it if it was me.
11:09Yeah, I'd quite enjoy it if it was you.
11:13Oh, it's tickling.
11:14It tickles.
11:15Oh, would you like me to leave?
11:17Oh, no, no, it's all right.
11:19Oh, I can feel the warmth going right through my body.
11:22Well, there must be powerful stuff.
11:23He's taken the hairs off his chest.
11:26You what?
11:26It's all right.
11:27You can always stick them back on again.
11:29Oh, I've had a really rotten day.
11:35All that typing, you know, it's really made my ears sore.
11:39Typing?
11:40Made your ears sore?
11:41No, no, no, don't tell me.
11:42Let me work it out.
11:44Typing ear.
11:45Typing, typing, ear.
11:47You plug a dictaphone in, right?
11:48Yeah, and it's really made my ears sore.
11:50How's Robin's come?
11:51Oh, he's taking it like a man.
11:53Moaning, groaning and feeling sorry for himself.
11:55I phoned Dr MacLeod.
11:56He said he'd pop in later.
12:01Oh.
12:03Hello.
12:06Oh.
12:07Three days to go.
12:08I'm never going to be fit to play football or something.
12:10You look like Lawrence of Arabia.
12:13Thank you very much.
12:13We're doing everything we can.
12:15Do you know, I read a book once.
12:19And look, of the frozen north, you see.
12:21And when an Eskimo gets a cold,
12:24all the women of the tribe,
12:26well, the young women, really,
12:27see, they all strip off
12:29and they get into bed with him, you see,
12:31on the theory that they're all going to sweat it out together.
12:33Oh, yeah.
12:34Does it work?
12:36No, but it doesn't seem to bother them.
12:37You'll have to make do with your electric blanket.
12:40Right.
12:41I think I'll have this in the other room, honestly.
12:42This room's so small,
12:43every time I sneeze my ears pop.
12:45God.
12:46Oh.
12:47Oh.
12:48All right.
12:50Oh, I feel like an old man.
12:51You're out of luck.
12:52We haven't got one.
12:53Ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:57Right, tuck into that.
12:59Oh, thanks very much, Chris.
13:00Listen, listen,
13:01I really do appreciate everything you've done for me today, really.
13:03Hey.
13:06Chrissie,
13:07is this English mustard?
13:08Yeah.
13:08Now, come on,
13:09you know I like French mustard in my beef?
13:11It's cheese.
13:14I can't taste the bloody thing.
13:16Yes, as well,
13:17because the cheese was a bit mouldy.
13:18Well, it's all penicillin, isn't it?
13:20Right.
13:21Good evening, Dr. McLeod.
13:23Where's the patient?
13:24Oh, there.
13:25Ah.
13:27Well, what seems to be the trouble, young man?
13:29Well, what's that?
13:33Look, Joe.
13:36I'm sorry, that was a sandwich.
13:38I've got a cold,
13:39I've got a flu,
13:39I've got...
13:40I hope you don't mind being called out just for that.
13:43Oh, as it happens,
13:44I had a strangulated hernia in the next street.
13:47Would you like to sit down?
13:53Are you regular?
13:54Oh.
13:55Oh, yes, we set our clocks by him.
13:57Ah.
13:58Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
14:02Shouldn't we boil up masses of hot water or something?
14:05No, I shouldn't bother.
14:06That's one thing he definitely isn't.
14:08Can he get us better by Saturday,
14:09because he's playing football?
14:11Well, I could give him a high-potency
14:12vitamin injection, I suppose.
14:14Oh, good.
14:15I've no faith in them myself,
14:17but there you go.
14:19Who are you playing for?
14:21South Kent Tech.
14:22Uh-huh.
14:23Well, just lower your pyjama trousers
14:26and bend over.
14:27Right.
14:28Oh, thanks very much.
14:29Cheers.
14:40Chrissie, I'm sure the doctor might like a nice cup of tea, yes?
14:42Not for me, no, thank you.
14:46Uh, well, you know,
14:47isn't there something you two girls should be doing in the kitchen?
14:49No.
14:49No.
14:50Will you push off the pair of them?
14:51We can take a hint.
14:54Well, I'm a keen Arsenal supporter myself.
14:59What do you think of it?
15:00Arsenal?
15:01I think there are a load of...
15:02Um, do you mind if I tell you after you've given me this injection?
15:07As if we'd be interested in seeing him with his pyjamas down.
15:10Oh!
15:10Oh, and that was only the alcohol swab.
15:12Oh, it's a matter of fact, I don't think much of Arsenal.
15:17I'm a Southampton supporter.
15:19Southampton?
15:20Yeah.
15:21Oh, hey, well, you're probably a wee bit feverish.
15:24Just do stay in bed,
15:25and by Saturday, with a bit of luck, you'll be all right.
15:29Oh!
15:34Oh, you don't mind me borrowing your toothbrush.
15:36Mine's melting.
15:37Oh, that's not mine.
15:38It's the one we clean our swede shoes with.
15:42Morning, morning.
15:43Morning.
15:44Watch this.
15:48Thank you, thank you, thank you.
15:50I'm smelling again.
15:51You've been smelling all week.
15:52Goose, grease and camphor.
15:54No, no, I mean, I'm fit, I'm fit.
15:55The sap is rising.
15:57Oh, what do you want for breakfast?
15:58Oh, I think I'll have you on, too.
15:59Oh!
16:00Hey, watch him, his sap's rising.
16:02What, before breakfast?
16:03Oh, I can just see it.
16:05I can just see it this afternoon.
16:06Wallop!
16:07One goal up.
16:08Wallop!
16:08Two goal up.
16:09Oh, nod with head.
16:10Three goals up, only a minute gone.
16:12The crowd start muttering.
16:13Who can he be?
16:14Is it Pelly?
16:14White it up!
16:15It's you, I saw a bouton.
16:17Oh, it's most probably the team captain, you know,
16:19panicking about my fitness.
16:20He done a quick one, two, equal fight.
16:23Wow!
16:23Ho, ho, ho!
16:24What a goal!
16:25They tie his legs together to give the other team a chance.
16:28He opts round one, he opts round two, and what a pattern.
16:31Rams ignore this talent.
16:32Ah, hello, Tom.
16:34Yeah, yeah.
16:35Listen, sorry I couldn't make the training, you know,
16:36but I was fighting off this code, but I'm fit and ruined.
16:40Barry?
16:42What, his toe?
16:45Is it?
16:47Is he?
16:48Oh, that is, that is good news.
16:55Yeah, fine.
16:56Okay.
16:57Yeah, okay, Tom.
16:58Yep.
16:59Fine.
17:05Ah, well, I'm out of the team.
17:11Oh, why?
17:11Well, you know, uh, Barry, you know, and his, his bruised toe, well, with deep heat treatment
17:17and all that, um, he's going to be fit to play.
17:21Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:23I mean, Tom said, you know, uh, you know, next time they'd consider me, you know, if they're
17:28desperate.
17:28Oh, never mind.
17:30It could have been worse.
17:31You could have lost your place to the one who was pregnant.
17:33Yeah, yeah.
17:35Oh, dear.
17:37You know, I'm not, I'm not upset about it at all, you know.
17:41It's only a game.
17:42I'll buy your pint at lunchtime.
17:43Yeah, fine, fine.
17:45No, you know, I'm really, I'm really glad that they've got the team they wanted.
17:48I mean, no, I was only, I was only trying to help.
17:52You know, if they don't want me, uh, I shall just go out and cut my throat.
18:01Oh, you can't help feeling sorry for him, can you?
18:07He chucked off the team.
18:11I don't find that amusing, George.
18:15Oh, no, no.
18:16Oh, he's very sad, really, isn't he?
18:20I mean, after all the effort you've made to get rid of...
18:22I suppose it does have its funny side.
18:26Oh, of course it does.
18:27Here I ask for a large scotch.
18:28Yes, so did I, but she didn't hear me.
18:31Look, we can still go to the match, if you want.
18:33No, we can't.
18:34It's an away game.
18:35It's a catford.
18:36Well, we can hire native guides, hack our way through with machetes.
18:39No, we'll never make it now.
18:40Not by bus.
18:41Well, hire an elephant.
18:42You can borrow our car, if you like.
18:48Fire an elephant.
18:50What?
18:52Make a nice change for it, George.
18:54I mean, actually moving.
18:55Instead of understanding they're being polished.
18:57Now, look here.
18:58That's very, very decent of you, thank you.
19:00Keys, George.
19:00I'm not lending my car to the night of...
19:02Keys!
19:02Back, back.
19:18Come on.
19:19Oh, be careful, because there's not a lot of room.
19:21Right hand down.
19:25Right hand down.
19:26Left hand down.
19:27Oh, one hand down or the other one.
19:29You could get a double-decker bus in here.
19:34Come on, back.
19:36Back.
19:36Come on, you've got yards.
19:39Blimey.
19:41You girls go to the match?
19:43Yes.
19:43Oh, yeah.
19:44Come on, back.
19:47Come on, back.
19:49Should be a good game, I reckon.
19:50Ow!
19:51Ow!
19:55Oh, blimey.
19:56And it's the same, Toad.
19:58Fair luck, Barry.
20:00Oh, Barry.
20:01Now, really.
20:02You know, I'm awfully sorry about this.
20:04You know what I mean?
20:06I mean, I haven't got a leg to stand on, have I?
20:07Neither has he.
20:08No, but I mean, you know, I didn't want to get into the team, you know, like this.
20:12I mean, it's not fair on you, is it?
20:15Not fair on me.
20:16Well, it is fair on me.
20:17But, I mean, not this way, you know.
20:20I sound so sorry.
20:21Really, sorry.
20:22Sorry, really.
20:27I'm very sorry.
20:27Sorry.
20:28Look, you'd better play in Barry's position, all right?
20:31Wing three quarters.
20:31Yeah, okay.
20:38Tom.
20:38Yeah?
20:39Tom, this is a rugby ball.
20:42Right.
20:43And, um, we're, we're playing, um, we're playing rugby football.
20:48Is there any other kind?
20:49All right, come on, let's let's have it.
20:51Come on.
20:52Now, oh!
20:56Hey, either the goalie's got very long arms or Robin's made a boo-boo.
21:03Tom, Tom, I think there's something you ought to know.
21:06Tom, can I just have a quick word with you, Tom?
21:09Robin's made a boo-boo.
21:10Tom, I think there's something you ought to know.
21:14Look.
21:21Tom.
21:26Tom.
21:28Tom.
21:29Tom.
21:30I thought there's something you ought to know.
21:31I don't play it, Jack.
21:36Tom.
21:40So, all you have to play for, just five minutes.
21:43I was sent off.
21:44For accidentally tackling the referee.
21:46That was no accident.
21:47I was being murdered up.
21:49Oh, I've got so many bruises.
21:51Hot liquid paraffin and mustard.
21:52Huh?
21:53Oh, Mother Asquith swears by it.
21:54Well, you can stick Mother Asquith, because I'm not having that rubbed over me.
21:57No, you're not.
21:57You're going to drink it.
21:59What?
21:59Don't worry.
22:00We'll look after you.
22:01Well, you're going to drink it.
22:31I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:32I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:33I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:34I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:34I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:35I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:36I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:37I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:38I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:39I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:40I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:41I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:42I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:43I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:44I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:45I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:46I'm not having that rubbed over me.
22:47I'm not having that rubbed over me.
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