- 2 days ago
First broadcast 3rd March 1976.
With the lease up for renewal, George announces he is raising the rent so the tenants look around for another person to share costs.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Alison Hughes - Linda
John Flanagan - James
John Carlin - Barman
With the lease up for renewal, George announces he is raising the rent so the tenants look around for another person to share costs.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Alison Hughes - Linda
John Flanagan - James
John Carlin - Barman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Did you know that the square root of 123 is 11.09053650 exactly?
01:21Well, there's a thought.
01:23What's a square root?
01:25Oh, everybody knows what a square root is.
01:28It's that key there.
01:29Now, listen.
01:30Ask me a question.
01:31Any question.
01:32Um, what's the capital of Nicaragua?
01:38It doesn't do geography.
01:40It's just numbers.
01:41You see, this calculator can think faster than you can.
01:44Mind you, if so, can a packet of fags.
01:47I can think.
01:48Now, are we sure about this?
01:49I think so.
01:50There you are.
01:51See, just did it.
01:51All right, then.
01:52A little test.
01:53Now, you ready?
01:53What is...
01:54Morning.
01:54Morning.
01:55Seven nines.
01:56Uh, seven nines.
01:58There you go.
01:59See, the calculator's done it.
02:00Uh, ten nines are 90.
02:02So, that's minus three nines.
02:04That's the same as nine threes.
02:06Um, three times...
02:08A thirty minus three.
02:11That's twenty-seven.
02:13So, that's ninety minus twenty-seven.
02:16A packet of fags has done it.
02:17What do you like?
02:19Sixty-three.
02:20I wasn't including the V-18.
02:23You still messing about with that useless object?
02:25No, I was just talking to her.
02:26Now, listen.
02:26Ask me a question.
02:27Any question.
02:29All right, then.
02:30If three people have a one-year lease on their flat,
02:32which expires today,
02:34how much will the rent go up?
02:38Managua.
02:39What?
02:40The capital of Nicaragua.
02:42How the hell do I know?
02:43I mean, the rent might not even go up at all.
02:44Now, leave me alone.
02:44Let me play with my thing.
02:46You're burying your head in the sand.
02:48You're not facing facts.
02:49I am.
02:50I bury my head in the sand.
02:51That is a fact.
02:52And I am facing it.
02:56Come on, Oscar.
02:56Say it.
02:58Try and get your beak round it.
03:00On board the good ship Venus.
03:04Don't be like that.
03:05Come on.
03:05Try and say it.
03:07All right.
03:07Come in.
03:10Morning, Mr. Roper.
03:11Rent.
03:11Morning.
03:12Lease.
03:15Pardon?
03:16Your lease is due for renewal.
03:18Oh, is it really?
03:19I'd completely forgotten about that.
03:20Yeah.
03:21And I think it's a convenient moment to discuss your rent,
03:23whether it should go up or down.
03:24Down?
03:25You mean there's a chance that it might go down?
03:27Well, that's fantastic.
03:27Because up.
03:28It'll go up.
03:29Another 25 a month.
03:31Oh, 25's not bad.
03:33I mean, five bob between three others.
03:35That's quite...
03:36Pounds.
03:37You mean pounds, don't you?
03:3825 pounds a month.
03:39I mean, Mildred and I have discussed it.
03:41We think it's only right, considering inflation.
03:43I have been hitched, you know.
03:45That's understandable.
03:46Oh, what a journey.
03:49That is the last time I've travelled in a tube train with a French loaf.
03:52Good morning, sir.
03:55What am I supposed to do with this, Mildred?
03:57I don't care, George.
03:59As long as you don't make crumbs.
04:02Everything all right upstairs, love?
04:04Yes, we were just discussing it.
04:05Ah, we were discussing it.
04:06We discussed it.
04:07All right, on we go.
04:08There you are.
04:08There you are.
04:09All right, good morning.
04:11George!
04:12Where are your manners?
04:13Eh?
04:14Manners, George.
04:15Oh, oh, yeah.
04:16Welcome back, Mildred.
04:17Not for me.
04:17You practically bundled that poor little girl out.
04:21What was she saying?
04:22Oh, she's on about her what's name.
04:24She wants me to extend it for her.
04:26Do you think you could be a little bit more explicit?
04:29The least.
04:30Ah.
04:31Yeah, I'll put it up.
04:32You're losing me again.
04:33Well, another 25 quid a month.
04:35Well, if they don't feel like paying it, there's plenty of other people more than this.
04:38I don't want other people.
04:41I want them, George.
04:43I like them.
04:44You put up their rent last year.
04:45Now, they cannot afford any more.
04:47Now, listen here, Mildred.
04:48No, it's not good enough, George.
04:49I want you to go upstairs this minute and tell them you've changed a mind.
04:53Look, I am master in this house, and what I say is...
04:56If you're pleased, it touched my heart.
04:59All right, that's 25 quid divided by three.
05:04That is 8.3333 recurring.
05:08Recurring every month.
05:09Mind you, I was half expecting it.
05:11So was I.
05:11Right, so that's two halves equals one.
05:14Oh, how many times have I asked you to stop playing with that thing?
05:17Well, it was three times yesterday.
05:19Try today.
05:20All right, all right, all right.
05:21I've stopped playing with it.
05:23I've had a thought.
05:25Joe's had a thought.
05:26Give it a welcome.
05:27It's an only child.
05:28Well, at least let's listen to it before we ignore it.
05:30You're absolutely right.
05:31Let's hear it, friends.
05:32For Joe's thought, opportunity knocks.
05:34Why don't we get a fourth person in to share the flat?
05:38Now, there's got to be something wrong with that, because that sounds like a fairly sensible suggestion.
05:43It does, doesn't it?
05:44Listen, I'm not just a pretty face, a gorgeous figure and a bubbling personality, you know.
05:49Oh, I've brought your rent book back, and I've also come up to, um, about the rent increase.
06:01Mildred says she feels he's not good enough.
06:02And Mr Roper, it's all we can afford.
06:04Yeah, and we can't even afford that if you won't allow us to bring in a fourth to share.
06:08Yeah.
06:09Oh, you mean bring up a...
06:11Right, well, we'll leave the matter there, then, shall we?
06:16Cheerio.
06:19Well, good job I was firm there.
06:21Now, listen, about this fourth person.
06:24Do you think she should be a boy or girl?
06:28If you have just said what I thought you said, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
06:33George, this bird of yours had just spoken its first word.
06:36Oh, yeah? What was that?
06:37I can't repeat it.
06:38Oh, oh, that one.
06:40Well done, Oscar.
06:41Don't encourage it.
06:44Well, did you sort things out upstairs?
06:46Uh, uh, yes, yes.
06:47I said things were as they were before they were what they aren't anymore.
06:51Good.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Well, whichever it is, where is he or she going to sleep?
06:56Well, we could put a bunk bed in my room.
06:59You know, it'd be a bit of a tight squeeze, but I wouldn't mind.
07:01Or if it's a fella, he can keep on the settee.
07:04You could get a convertible.
07:06No, let's stick with a girl or a fella.
07:08There must be somebody we'd know.
07:11It'd be absolutely...
07:12Ah.
07:14You thought of something?
07:14Eh, no, no, no, nobody at all, nobody at all.
07:16Gosh, look at the time.
07:17The pubs are open.
07:18You haven't got a watch on.
07:19Eh, it's all right.
07:20It's not raining.
07:21I'll see you later.
07:21He's not with us.
07:24Oh, I know.
07:25He's just gone out.
07:26Listen, do you remember Thingy?
07:29Oh, yeah.
07:30Six foot ten, black as coal, walk with a limb, parrot on his shoulder.
07:34No, not him.
07:35The other Thingy.
07:36Uh, friend of David's.
07:38Everyone used to call him James.
07:39What was his name?
07:41James?
07:41Yes, him.
07:42Now, he was looking for a flat to share.
07:46Oh, do you know what his phone number is?
07:47No, but I can phone him up and ask him what it is.
07:50Oh.
07:52David, silly girl.
07:54Well, the thing is, Percy, if your wife didn't know about something that you've done...
08:02I'm not married.
08:03Well, oh, no, no, no, no, of course you're not.
08:06No, no, no.
08:06I mean, if my wife didn't know about something...
08:09About something I've done?
08:10Yeah.
08:11No, no, no, no.
08:12About something that I've done that she didn't want me to, well, would you tell her before
08:18she finds out?
08:19You dirty devil.
08:22You've been at it.
08:23Well, it was practically offered to me.
08:26I mean, everything else is going up, so why not?
08:29Well, not to be sneezed at.
08:32Oh, no.
08:33You can imagine the position I'm in.
08:35Well, if you were sneezing at it, I certainly can.
08:40Here's your friend.
08:41Oh, yeah.
08:42Hi.
08:43Hello, Robin.
08:43I got the drinks in.
08:44Oh, you shouldn't have.
08:46Not without getting some crisps as well.
08:47Listen, are you still having problems with your landlord, Mr...
08:51Mr Ling, Wong Ling.
08:52It says I've got to be out by the second moon of the year of the grasshopper.
08:56When is that exactly?
08:57God knows.
08:57It's what worries me.
08:58But I'll tell you what.
09:00How do you feel about sharing my flat?
09:02What's it like?
09:03Well, let's see now.
09:04Imagine a room, 50 foot long, with marble fountains playing softly.
09:08Rosewood panel walls hung in silken, silken tapestries.
09:13That's just the bog.
09:14Oh, it's a castle, though.
09:15I thought you shared your flat with a couple of girls already.
09:17Yes, I do, I do.
09:18But strictly on a sort of keep-your-hands-to-yourself basis, you know.
09:21What's the word for it?
09:22Boring.
09:22Yeah, platonic.
09:24See, and they'd have to think that we're the same.
09:26Not that we need be.
09:27Hmm.
09:27How much a week?
09:29Well, it depends how we feel.
09:30Rain.
09:30Right, you'd be paying, let's see now, a quarter of what I'm paying a third of.
09:36I'd like to look at it before I decide.
09:38Well, look, I'll tell you what.
09:39Why don't you come round this afternoon?
09:41Oh, yes, and remember, we've never, never met.
09:43Why not?
09:44Because they're not going to let me bring my girlfriend back to the flat, are they?
09:48So we've never seen each other before, and we are total strangers.
09:54Limey.
09:58And this, of course, is the bathroom.
10:01Oh, yes, the smallest room in the house.
10:03Not quite.
10:04You haven't seen yours yet.
10:05We try to avoid you all having a bath at the same time.
10:08Yes, in case the water overflows.
10:10Right.
10:11And, um, that's the door to our room.
10:15Completely unguarded, except for an invisible force field,
10:17which guarantees instant death to any man that crosses it without his trousers on.
10:20You don't have to hit me with a sledgehammer.
10:22No, but we will if you go in there.
10:24Right.
10:25It's a big kitchen, isn't it?
10:27And a lounge.
10:28This is, uh, big too.
10:29Very spacious.
10:31And this would be your room.
10:33Ah.
10:34Yeah, I can see now where they got the space from.
10:37You'd be sharing it with Robin.
10:38He's awfully nice.
10:39You'd soon get to know him.
10:40I don't really see how I could avoid it.
10:43Yeah, but I mean, it's not too small, is it?
10:45Sit down.
10:45I mean, you'd be out here most of the time.
10:48I think my feet will be out here all the time.
10:51But I do like the flat.
10:52It's one of the best I've seen.
10:53How many others have you looked at?
10:55One.
10:56In Gloucester Terrace, just opposite the cemetery.
10:58I was tempted to move in there.
11:00Did you have to be dead?
11:01The flat.
11:04The flat.
11:06But it wasn't as good as this one.
11:08No, no, no.
11:09It was better, actually.
11:10But the rent was twice as much as I could afford.
11:13Voila!
11:14Nice time.
11:15Robin, this is James.
11:17Uh-huh.
11:18Uh, as you can see, it's quite small, but beautifully marked.
11:20How do you do?
11:22Well, James can move in on Monday, so we've found our fourth.
11:26Oh, hell.
11:27I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
11:48You know, I mean, when I said, oh, hell, you know, it was just sort of surprise.
11:51You know, I've got nothing against you, Mr, uh, James Freeman.
11:55James, Mr Freeman.
11:57Nothing at all.
11:58Uh, girls, could I have a quick chat with you, please?
12:00I've got actually nothing against you at all, so if you could just finish your coffee before you go.
12:08Now, listen.
12:09I grant you, he doesn't look bent.
12:11Oh, don't start that.
12:13Listen, I've got to think of these things if I'm going to share a room with him.
12:16And I'll tell you something else.
12:17Have you seen how tall he is?
12:18It's only a small little room, you know.
12:21And, oh, yes, and did you smell the garlic on his breast?
12:24No, no.
12:25All right, so he hasn't had any today, but, I mean, he's just the type.
12:29I mean, that's all we need.
12:30An enormously tall, garlic-chewing poof.
12:32I say no.
12:34But you haven't given him a chance yet.
12:36And I don't intend to.
12:38I've never known a John you can trust.
12:42He said his name's James.
12:44Yes.
12:44Well, that's just the sort of liar John would come out with.
12:48Now, I say I think we should wait till somebody far more suitable comes along.
12:51Listen, if you're really concerned that he might be bent, why don't you go out and ask him?
12:54What?
12:54Ask him.
13:02Hello.
13:04John, isn't it?
13:05James.
13:06Ah, James.
13:07James, yes.
13:08Sorry.
13:08Sorry.
13:13Would you mind if I sat down beside you, James?
13:16No, no.
13:16Please do.
13:17Well, James, I'm given to understand you want to share my bedroom with me.
13:34Well, that seems to be the general idea.
13:37I see, yes.
13:39Frankly, I'd rather share theirs.
13:43Would you?
13:44That's a pity.
13:46Why?
13:46Are you gay?
13:47Of course I'm not, bloody.
13:55Would it put you off the flat if I was?
14:00Hey, that's not fair.
14:01You're trying to convert him.
14:02That's all right.
14:04He won't be able to do that.
14:06Convert me, I mean.
14:07Look, it's not that you're not attractive.
14:12I do hope that we can be friends.
14:15But you see, the thing is, I'm not.
14:18Don't you joke.
14:19Joe, Joe, come here.
14:21I want to prove something to you.
14:22You're being lucky.
14:23James, look, I think the best thing would be if the three of us, um, us, had a little chat
14:28for about five minutes about you moving in before we make a final decision.
14:31Of course.
14:32Of course.
14:32Yeah.
14:33I'll get some cigarettes from the, uh, machine on the corner.
14:36Fine.
14:37Oh, there isn't a machine on the corner.
14:39Ah.
14:40Oh, that's all right, because I don't smoke anyway.
14:42What have you got against him?
14:45Nothing.
14:45Nothing whatsoever.
14:46Just that I think we ought to wait, you know, in case somebody far more suitable comes up.
14:51I mean, you never know, do you?
14:56Ah.
14:57Ah, there you are, Mildred.
14:59Good, good, good.
15:01He said it again, George.
15:05Twice.
15:05Ah, yeah.
15:06Ah, yeah.
15:07Well, he doesn't know what it means, Mildred.
15:09I'm not sure I do.
15:11I mean, even if he did, he doesn't actually know how to do it.
15:17Well, him being a budgie, you see, they have very dull sex lives, budgies do.
15:23Tweet, tweet.
15:28Mildred, I've, I've, I've, I've something to tell you.
15:32I, I, I've, I've done something, and you may not like him.
15:35Ah, yes.
15:39Come within reach and tell me all about it.
15:41No, no, no, no, I'll stay here.
15:44See, see, what, what I've done is, I've, um, I've, I've, I've bought you a bunch of flowers.
15:52Oh, George, of course I like it.
15:56Ah, no, no, that's not it, no.
15:58See, I've, I've, I've done, I've done, I've done something else.
16:01I've, um, I've, um, I've got you a box of chocolate.
16:05Oh, well, that's lovely.
16:08You know, George, sometimes you are a...
16:11Have you got something else to tell me?
16:14Yeah, well, yeah, there's just one other thing I would tell, thing.
16:20I like the way you've done your hair.
16:23Thank you, George.
16:34Sorry, I just don't think you're being very reasonable about this.
16:37I'm being perfectly reasonable.
16:39I don't want to share with a man who goes around pretending to be a poof when he isn't.
16:42I mean, it's dishonest.
16:42Oh, good afternoon, madam.
16:49What can I do for you?
16:50Well...
16:50Who is it?
16:51I don't know.
16:52It's, uh, Jehovah's Witness, Avon Lady.
16:54Could be both of them.
16:55Would you like to come?
16:56Hello.
16:59Hello.
17:03I, uh, hear you're looking for a fourth to share.
17:07Fancy that.
17:08Problem solved.
17:09You'll be sharing.
17:10Just a minute.
17:12How did you hear?
17:12We haven't advertised.
17:14How did I?
17:14Oh, um...
17:16That was most probably me.
17:20You see, I do mutter to myself as I walk along.
17:25And, uh, this young lady most probably, you know, overheard me muttering about us wanting
17:31to have a fourth person in to share, you see.
17:34You mutter our address as well, dear.
17:37I don't, I don't know.
17:38I may have done.
17:38I don't sort of listen to myself a lot muttering as I walk.
17:41Would you like to sit down?
17:42Yes, thank you.
17:44Yes, I heard Robin muttering.
17:45He was, that was one of the things he was muttering, come to think of it.
17:49His name, Robin.
17:50Yeah, you see.
17:51That's how Linda knew exactly.
17:53Linda?
17:55Ah!
17:56Linda mutters as well, does she?
17:58Well, I don't know.
17:59I mean, I don't know her second name.
18:00Joe, uh, this is, uh, Linda.
18:02Uh, I don't know her second name.
18:04We are strangers.
18:05They just, uh, mutter together occasionally.
18:09Ah!
18:09Oh, and they were doing a lot more than that in the back row of the audience.
18:14Ah, yes.
18:15Uh, she's right, you know.
18:18It was you.
18:19I've got this on your phone.
18:20Oh, come on.
18:21What?
18:22Oh, well, all right then.
18:23It's my girlfriend.
18:25Oh, hello, James.
18:26Do you come in?
18:27Now, here we have James in the blue corner, weighing 12 stone, five and a half pounds.
18:31I just wondered if you'd reached the decision yet.
18:35Well, yes and no.
18:36No, so if you could just go out and not buy some more cigarettes again.
18:38No, look, you sit down there.
18:40Um, we'll go into the kitchen and discuss this.
18:43Um, we won't be a second.
18:44That's Linda.
18:45Uh.
18:47You must think we're daft.
18:49No, I don't.
18:50Well, she is a bit, but I mean, not you.
18:52Oh, thank you.
18:53You'd like that, wouldn't you?
18:55Your girlfriend on tap like gas or electricity.
18:57When you're in the mood, shove a bobbin.
18:59Yeah.
19:01Turn it up to Regulo 2.
19:03Woof, piping hot, ready to serve.
19:05Chris, you're talking rubbish.
19:08Regulo 2 is just for simmering.
19:09Anyway, listen, I promise, I promise I won't get involved with it.
19:12Honestly, cross my heart, hope to die in a cellar full of rats.
19:14Do you really promise?
19:15Yes, I do.
19:16I do.
19:17No, I don't.
19:17I'm lying.
19:18Well, then it wouldn't work, so let's have James.
19:20Oh, yes, he's lovely.
19:22Oh, just a minute, so you're after it.
19:25So you're after it as well.
19:27The flat.
19:28Oh, yes.
19:29I've got this terrible Chinese landlord.
19:31Ah.
19:31You pay him the rent in an hour later, you feel like paying him again.
19:35Quite.
19:35My flat's being pulled down by the council.
19:37They're building a multi-storey complaints department for ratepayers.
19:40And how can you find an empty flat in London these days?
19:43Murder.
19:44Yes, that's one way.
19:46It's a bit drastic.
19:47I saw this place in Gloucester Terrace yesterday.
19:50It was absolutely enormous.
19:51The flat?
19:53The rent.
20:03George.
20:04Can I press you to a soft centre?
20:09Er, no, no, thanks.
20:11They stick to me plate.
20:13Yes.
20:14Er, George.
20:15I had to scrape the last one off with a Brillo pen.
20:17Yes, yes, yes.
20:21Don't spoil the mood.
20:23What mood?
20:25This mood.
20:25What?
20:28I can feel your little heart flattering like a bird.
20:31Yeah, well, not in the middle of the afternoon, Mildred.
20:34It's not decent.
20:36George, do you know, in a certain light, you look just like Rock Hudson?
20:41Yes, so do you, Mildred.
20:42I mean, you look like a film star.
20:47Oh, really, George?
20:50Which one?
20:52Oh, um, the one that was on the telly last week, you know, what's her name?
20:57You know, died of drinking drugs.
21:00You know, she played what's that?
21:01Yeah, all right, George.
21:02Leave it out, yes.
21:03Now, why don't you make the most of me while I'm in a good mood?
21:07Oh, yeah, well, there is something I've been trying to raise, Mildred.
21:16Well, you know, this morning, I said I hadn't put their rent up upstairs.
21:21Rent?
21:22Yeah, well, I may have inadvertently given you the impression that I hadn't put their rent up.
21:26Do you mean to tell me that you have?
21:29Yeah, well, you see, keep tickling me, Mildred.
21:33You take your chest off me!
21:35Yeah, now, don't be sure of this!
21:37Look, George, do you really mean to tell me that you have deliberately disobeyed me and then lied about it?
21:46Yes, yes, yes, I am.
21:48So what are you going to do about it, eh?
21:50I think the fairest way is to toss a coin, right?
21:53Now, if it's heads, James moves in.
21:55If it's tails, it's Linda.
21:57Agreed?
21:57Yes.
21:58Right.
22:00But only if it's James.
22:01Oh.
22:02Chrissie, you can't do that.
22:03You must abide by the decision, whatever it is.
22:06All right?
22:07Oh, I agree.
22:09So do I.
22:10Yes, well, I don't.
22:11I mean, we can't decide...
22:12Oh, it was heads, wasn't it?
22:13You lost!
22:14How can you think of winning or losing when human beings are involved?
22:17I mean, there is a principle at stake here, you know.
22:20Oh, why don't we ask them both to move in?
22:22What?
22:22Well, it's quite simple, then.
22:23It would be divided by five.
22:24So that's five instead of four, or the original three, divided by four-fifths.
22:31How do you turn this on?
22:32Oh, for God's sake.
22:35Well, then, we think we've changed our minds.
22:37Listen, could you keep out of this, please, because it's got nothing to...
22:39You what?
22:40Well, neither of us wants to move in if it's going to cause quarrels.
22:42It won't!
22:43It will!
22:44Oh, shut up!
22:45Leave her alone!
22:46See what I mean?
22:46We thought the flat in Gloucester Terrace would suit us both.
22:49To share?
22:50Well, half the rent each.
22:51Er, Linda.
22:54It had been platonic.
22:56Rubbish.
22:56Well, you do it.
22:57Yes, I know, but those two are far more strong-willed than you are.
22:59Well, thank you.
23:00I've still got the key, actually.
23:02We could, er, pop along now.
23:04Suits me.
23:05Good.
23:06Well, thank you for everything, and, er...
23:09That's my girlfriend.
23:12Yes, I know.
23:13But look on the bright side.
23:14It may cure me.
23:20You blew it!
23:22See, you should have heard James seem to be marvellous.
23:24Now we've got to do all this advertising.
23:26Oh, we can't do that.
23:27You get all sorts of weirdos applying.
23:30I'll believe you're looking for a fourth to share.
23:35See, Ronnie!
23:35Yes, sir.
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