- 2 days ago
First broadcast 16th January 1974.
A loudmouth Liverpudlian is holding sway in the pub, and insults Chrissy.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Paul Angelis - Mick
Michael Segal - Jim
Eamonn Boyce - Paddy
A loudmouth Liverpudlian is holding sway in the pub, and insults Chrissy.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Paul Angelis - Mick
Michael Segal - Jim
Eamonn Boyce - Paddy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
01:00This is about the fifth layer. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a wall behind it.
01:26Well, why don't we just stick another layer on top?
01:29Because the room's getting smaller every time it's redecorated.
01:32Look, I still think we should have got wallpaper to match the curtains.
01:35Well, they don't sell dirty brown wallpaper around here.
01:38You don't expect me to paint the store. I've got no experience.
01:42Well, just pretend it's a big eyelash. It'll come naturally.
01:44I quite like the place the way it was.
01:48Well, so did I. I've got a soft spot for squalor.
01:50But it's in the least. We have to redecorate every three years.
01:53Look, I've sandpapered my fingerprints off.
01:55Where's Robin? He should be doing this.
01:57Instead of sloping off to karate lessons.
01:59Karate? It's not that anyway. It's judo.
02:02A bit like flower arranging with violence.
02:04Hello, hello, hello.
02:07As soon as the foreman's back is turned, the worker starts slacking.
02:10How would you like your nose scraped and sandpapered?
02:15You realise you're threatening a white belt?
02:17Huh?
02:18A highly trained, physical fighting machine?
02:21After two lessons?
02:22Oh, it doesn't take that long.
02:23Actually, you know, I nearly crippled someone tonight.
02:26Who?
02:26Me.
02:28Instructor caught me with a nuchimata.
02:30What's that?
02:31Well, I don't know.
02:31He did tell me what I was flying through the air at the time.
02:33Listen, I'll tell you what he was doing.
02:34Not likely.
02:35All you're after is a quick Japanese fumble.
02:39Look, I'm not going to be able to learn if you don't let me practise on you.
02:41Yeah, that's what they all say.
02:42Oh.
02:43Hey, come on, Joe.
02:44What about you?
02:44No, you're not going to nuchimata me till I find out what it means.
02:48Come on, it's not going to hurt.
02:49Look, I've got walls to scrape.
02:50Yeah, well, you can do that as you're flying past.
02:52Now, look.
02:53Let me set the scene for you, all right?
02:54Now, imagine, imagine that I am a young sweet girl.
02:58You what?
02:59I am a young sweet girl.
03:01And I'm walking down the street.
03:03In high boobs and a miniskirt.
03:05Right.
03:05You're a bit old-fashioned.
03:06They went out years ago.
03:07And you are a big, rough, drunken sailor.
03:11And you're going to ravish me.
03:14Well, come on, grab me.
03:16There's nothing to grab.
03:19Use your imagination.
03:21All right.
03:22Oh, that's good.
03:24That's very good, yes.
03:25Right, now, force me down.
03:26You're not resisting.
03:28I know.
03:29But I'm one of those girls that like rough, drunken sailors.
03:31Give us a kiss.
03:32Get off!
03:38What's all that thumping going on upstairs?
03:40Are they redecorating the flat upstairs, George?
03:42Just like you did in 1947.
03:44Well, I'll have to decorate it again if they come down through the ceiling.
03:49Oh, there it is.
03:52George, how would you fancy me coming to bed in that?
03:56What, a golf cart?
03:59It's a see-through nightie, George, on the other page.
04:03Oh.
04:03Oh, that, yeah.
04:05Well, what do you want one of them for?
04:06God knows.
04:09I could come to bed in a bell tent, for all you'd notice.
04:12It's sexy, George.
04:15Sexy.
04:15Yeah, well, depends what there is to see through it, isn't it?
04:19You know, I'd rather like that pink frothy one with the blue satin bows.
04:22It'd be like wrapping a brick up in Christmas paper.
04:24Oh.
04:26You are in a mood, aren't you?
04:29It's that tooth of yours, isn't it?
04:31There's nothing wrong with my tooth.
04:32Why don't you go and see the dentist?
04:35Yeah, I'm not going there.
04:36That Johnson fellow's got cold hands.
04:38Well, it's not surprised he's been dead for ten years.
04:42It's her partner of his now, you know.
04:44Yeah, well, they're all the same, these dentists.
04:46She loves me.
04:47She loves me not.
04:48But it would be better with it out, George.
04:50Neater.
04:51You could have one left, either side.
04:54That's right.
04:54Go on, have a good laugh.
04:56Oh.
04:57Why don't you take an aspirin?
04:59Take two.
05:00Take 100.
05:02You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you, I, the merry widder?
05:05Oh, George, I was only joking.
05:08Mind you, there is a very nice black coat in here.
05:14Now, you see, the thing about judo is that you use your opponent's strength against himself.
05:19You see?
05:19Look, I'll show you what I mean.
05:20Now, look.
05:21Say, for instance, I'm standing at a bus queue, right?
05:24Next to this big, strong standard lamp, right?
05:27And suddenly, it says a rude remark.
05:31But, I ignore it.
05:33Because you don't speak to strange standard lamps.
05:35Exactly.
05:36Then suddenly, I grab its wrist, if it had a wrist.
05:38Look, are you going to help me strip off or not?
05:42You know, I've been waiting for that invitation.
05:44Excuse me, we'll sort this out some other time.
05:45You're a typical man, you are.
05:47You just don't like work.
05:48I love it.
05:49I love it.
05:49I could watch you work all day.
05:50Now, listen.
05:51What colour we can do the paintwork?
05:53White.
05:54It's a bit daring, that, isn't it?
05:55I mean, it's a bit avant-garde.
05:57I mean, you know, this room should be like a sort of a stage set in which the drama of
06:00our life is unfolding.
06:01Well, what about cream?
06:02No, no, no.
06:03It's like a, you know, pulsating red or a vivid orange or brilliant apple green.
06:07Well, there was five bob-off each tin.
06:09Or cheap white.
06:09Fantastic.
06:11Coffee?
06:12No, I think we'll stick to white.
06:14It's made.
06:15Oh, I see.
06:15Right.
06:16Hey, while we're talking about colours, what do you think of that?
06:22It's a bit plain, isn't it?
06:23That is the back.
06:25Yeah, I know that.
06:26I know that.
06:27Yeah, I still prefer the back.
06:29Why?
06:29What's wrong with it?
06:30He wants to unfold his life against it.
06:32It's washable.
06:34No, Jet, what I mean is that when I bring my friends around, I don't want to say this
06:37is a room.
06:37I want to say this is me.
06:39Oh, yes, I know what you mean.
06:41I'm just the same.
06:41Oh, don't forget to mention you're both riddled with dry rot.
06:44No, no, but you see, I want the paper to reflect my personality.
06:47No, if we put up Randy wallpaper, we'll have the police round.
06:49Come on.
06:50Right, now, come on.
06:51What do you want me to do?
06:52Well, you have a choice.
06:54Strip the ceiling, wash down the paintwork, mix the paste, size the plaster, or we could go to
06:58the pub.
06:58I'd choose that one.
06:59Oh.
07:02So I got her into the shop doorway, and we're cutting away like, and I said to her,
07:10what about it then, darling?
07:13Eye of the smooth way with you, Mick.
07:15Yeah.
07:16Well, you've got to tell him I'm a bit, haven't you, you know?
07:18Anyway, before she could say I'm not that sort of a girl, she was.
07:23Two pints.
07:24Here, top.
07:26Do you reckon you get a large whiskey in there?
07:27Oh, yeah.
07:28So do I.
07:28So why don't you fill it up with beer, eh?
07:31It's a nice place, sirs, isn't it?
07:32Got a bit of atmosphere, you know what I mean?
07:34Yeah, not like the feathers.
07:35It's raggy.
07:36Why, for nothing there?
07:37Nothing.
07:38Oh, it wasn't for nothing, Mick.
07:40Oh, well, it was due for demolition anyway.
07:42Like, I just started it for her.
07:47Look, we shouldn't be here.
07:48We should be scraping walls.
07:49Keep on reminding me.
07:50It adds to the pleasure.
07:51Oh, yeah.
07:52Grab that tape.
07:56Honestly, he puts everything off.
07:58He's probably still doing yesterday's breathing.
08:00I know.
08:00All men are the same.
08:01They have it in their genes.
08:05Would you care to rephrase that?
08:08Well, it's hereditary.
08:09Go on, lazy.
08:10It is, Jim.
08:11Can you put them on the slate?
08:12Your slate's big enough to put a roof on a council house.
08:14Yeah, what on a sandwich?
08:15Cheese and lettuce.
08:16You know, when you're ready.
08:18Bit selfish, that, isn't it?
08:20Fellow there with two birds.
08:21Where?
08:22Over there.
08:23Hey.
08:24Then is your comb.
08:30I think I'll give the dark one a bit of a thrill.
08:33I'm not lazy when I'm enjoying what I'm doing.
08:35Well, what do you enjoy doing?
08:36I enjoy coming here drinking beer.
08:38Cheers.
08:38Hey, listen, what is an Uchi Marto, anyway?
08:41He made it up.
08:42No, no, it's an inner thigh throat.
08:43You see, then you've followed up with a deadly chop to the throat.
08:45Hello, darling.
08:46Fancy having a drink with me, then?
08:48No, thank you.
08:50Go on.
08:52The throat chop?
08:53Anything you like.
08:55Have a short.
08:56Have a vodka.
08:57Put hairs on your chest.
08:58No.
09:00Now, please go away.
09:01I like that.
09:02Bit of spirit.
09:03Playing hard to get.
09:05On your own, are you?
09:06No.
09:06No, she's with me.
09:09Well, she's with us.
09:11You see, the thing about this throat chop, if it's applied properly...
09:14You can't have both of them, can you?
09:16It's not fair.
09:21Now, listen.
09:22I think I'd better warn you that I'm a...
09:25I think you're being a bit of a nuisance.
09:31Sit down and shut up, or I'll flatten you.
09:37Come on, don't let's be childish.
09:41I don't give two warnings, mate.
09:49Now, come on, Mick, come on.
09:51I've got your scotch over at the bar.
09:53Come on.
09:53Yeah.
09:54I'll be near tomorrow night, darling.
09:55Only don't bring him with you, because he frightens me.
09:58Boom.
10:02I, uh...
10:04I didn't want to cause a scene.
10:05No.
10:06Oh, no, you did the right thing.
10:07Yeah, you showed great restraint, what with the judo and that.
10:10Anyway, it couldn't have been fair to him,
10:12using his own strength against himself.
10:14Pardon?
10:16He looked so strong.
10:18Yes, that was on my mind, yes.
10:20Anyway, as a matter of fact, so far I've only learnt how to fall.
10:24That nearly came in useful.
10:28I wasn't...
10:29I wasn't scared or anything.
10:31No, no, you did the right thing.
10:33You stood up to him.
10:34Yeah.
10:34And then you sat down again.
10:37Because you didn't want to cause a scene.
10:39Hello, dears.
10:40Evening.
10:40Oh, I'm in agony here, Mildred, agony.
10:44Does anyone feel sorry for me?
10:46Yes, George.
10:47You do.
10:48Give him a brand, you love.
10:49Oh, this is the one.
10:51Toothake, is it?
10:52No, he's doing an advert for camé.
10:55That's right.
10:55Go on, enjoy yourself.
10:56Laugh.
10:57Did I laugh when you sprained your ankle?
10:58No, George.
11:00You didn't help me bring the coal in, either.
11:02Yeah, well, I feel...
11:03Oh, God.
11:04Shit, I'll give you...
11:05Oh, God.
11:07Oh, what's that's my drink, you clumsy twit?
11:09What's what you're doing with your elbows?
11:11That's stupid, knocking people's drinks over them.
11:13Stupid.
11:15Come again.
11:16I said it, stoop.
11:19It's a bit careless, I mean, isn't it?
11:21Yeah.
11:25Well said, Dad.
11:26Well spoken.
11:28Quite right.
11:30You're a regular little bantam cock, you are, aren't you, eh?
11:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
11:33Oh, thank you very much.
11:35Yes.
11:36I was beginning to think there were all sissies in this pub.
11:39God on you.
11:40Brandy, was it?
11:41Put a large one in there, love.
11:42Oh, thanks very much, Tom.
11:44Yes, yes.
11:45It's runny little fellas like you've got all the guts.
11:48I mean, things like that sort out the men from the mice and the rabbits.
11:52Cheese and lettuce for you, wasn't it?
11:54LAUGHTER
11:55APPLAUSE
12:18Morning.
12:26What would you like for breakfast?
12:28Er, burnt sausages, burnt bacon and burnt toast.
12:30Ah.
12:31Aren't you lucky?
12:32Because that's just what I'm doing.
12:33That's what you always do.
12:35Look, I don't know what you're complaining about,
12:36because you never eat it.
12:38Do you know, there's one thing...
12:39There's one thing that would improve your cooking.
12:41What?
12:42They cut off the gas.
12:43Look, one more complaint from you and you get double helpings.
12:46What's the matter with you this morning?
12:48Oh, I don't know.
12:48I think it was that stupid business in the pub last night.
12:52Well, I don't think you were a coward.
12:53I didn't say I was.
12:55Oh, no, neither did I.
12:57Yes, you did, just then.
12:58No, I didn't.
12:58I said you weren't.
13:00Oh, well, then, you know,
13:01you don't think I was a bit of a coward, then?
13:03No.
13:04Oh, that's all right, then.
13:05Even if you were.
13:07You've still got all your teeth.
13:15Morning, Chrissie.
13:17Now, look.
13:18You said you were going to fix that lock.
13:20I will, I will.
13:21As soon as I lose interest in the naked female form.
13:25No, you can't stay there.
13:26The only thing between us is the shower curtain.
13:28I know, I know.
13:28That's why I brought this, you see.
13:29It dissolves plastic instantly.
13:32Very funny.
13:34Look, I'm warning you.
13:35One peep and you get a loofah in your eye.
13:37Listen, Chrissie, it's half past nine in the morning.
13:39I couldn't even raise a smile.
13:40Why not?
13:40I don't know.
13:44I don't know.
13:46I think it's that stupid business, you know.
13:48Do you think I'm a coward?
13:49No, not really.
13:50A lot of men wouldn't fancy a poke in the eye with a loofah.
13:52No, no.
13:53I mean last night in the pub.
13:55You know, that big fella.
13:56Oh, yes, you were a coward there.
13:59But you've still got all your teeth.
14:01And you two have been talking, haven't you?
14:02Well, yes.
14:03I see.
14:04Yeah, it's the old wartime bit, isn't it?
14:06Either a man goes over the top or he doesn't.
14:08Over the top of what?
14:09The trenches.
14:10And I'm still huddled in the mud.
14:14Grasping.
14:15A bunch of white feathers.
14:17Don't forget about last night.
14:19Everybody else has.
14:22Good there, Mildred.
14:23Eyeball to eyeball last night with that big fella.
14:26You did, George.
14:27You did.
14:29I thought for a moment I was going to get that new black coat after all.
14:31Yeah.
14:32I was poised, relaxed.
14:34It was clay and liston all over again.
14:37Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee.
14:41Read your Sunday paper, George.
14:43It hasn't come yet.
14:44You know, when I'm roused, when I'm really roused,
14:46I'm capable of anything.
14:48Oh, yes.
14:49He can bite right through a chocolate declare.
14:54And he could see it.
14:55So he crumbled, you see.
14:56He apologised.
14:57George, dear.
14:59I did quite admire you for standing up to that man last night.
15:02But after hearing about nothing else for 24 hours,
15:05I'm beginning to wish he'd flattened you.
15:07Him?
15:08He was shaking all over, Mildred.
15:09I could see it.
15:10He was trying not to laugh.
15:11Ah, rubbish.
15:13Rub it your own way.
15:15Here, there's ever such a nice dress, in here.
15:17I could wear it when we go to the palace to collect your VC.
15:19Oh, that's right.
15:21Go on, look.
15:22Well, you only did it because you were raving mad with toothache.
15:24It had nothing to do with my toothache.
15:26Oh, Clive, you reminded me again.
15:30There's one sausage left.
15:31Would anybody like it?
15:32No.
15:33You could lay a speedway track with your sausages.
15:37Actually, it might be an air gun.
15:38I'm not quite sure.
15:39Oh, forget it.
15:41Hey, listen to this.
15:42The weather.
15:43Cloudy at first, with heavy rain in the southeast,
15:45becoming colder, occasional thunderstorms windy.
15:48Hey, it's going to be a great day.
15:50What for?
15:51For staying in and finishing the decorating.
15:53Oh.
15:54It wasn't as if he was all that big.
15:56Who?
15:57That big fella in the pub.
15:59I thought you'd forgotten about that.
16:01I had to.
16:02You mentioned the word windy.
16:03Oh, God.
16:04But you can't all be John Waynes.
16:05There have to be some Woody Allens in the world.
16:08Don't worry.
16:09I think you're very brave.
16:12You nearly finished all your breakfast.
16:14Oh.
16:14No, come on.
16:19It's a question of self-respect.
16:20I mean, how can I go back into that pub and hold my head up?
16:22If he'd hit you, you probably wouldn't have a head.
16:24Here, stir that.
16:25What with?
16:26Use the chip on your shoulder.
16:27Oh, all right.
16:29Forget the hint, the message.
16:31It's all finished, all right?
16:32Good.
16:35Except to say that if he tries it on again,
16:37it'll be a different story.
16:38Now, that's all I've got to say about it.
16:39Right.
16:40And I'd just like to add...
16:42Oh, for goodness sake.
16:43Either go and thump him or shut up about it.
16:45Right.
16:45I'll do that.
16:46What?
16:47I'll shut up about it.
16:49But tomorrow night will be a different story
16:51and I'll do what I should have done last night
16:53when he insulted you.
16:54Look, if you go to that pub and start any trouble,
16:56I'm not going to be responsible.
16:57You're on your own.
16:58I want nothing to do with it.
16:59Right.
16:59Oh, look at this.
17:12I could have used this for scraping the wallpaper.
17:15Have we got any turps?
17:16No, it's all gone.
17:17I used it to clean the frying pan.
17:21Food really doesn't stand much of a chance with you, does it?
17:23And I must face a man who hates me
17:30For a lion of cow
17:35Raven cow
17:39What a stupid song.
17:42Oh, good morning, Sandra.
17:51I was wondering if the paper boy
17:53stuck my news of the world through your door.
17:54No, no, no, no.
17:56Oh, um...
17:57Yeah, come on.
18:00Yes, we were...
18:01Actually, we were wondering
18:02who it was.
18:08There we are.
18:09What?
18:10That's all right.
18:10There's a...
18:11Hold on.
18:11There's another page.
18:12There's...
18:13Have you seen the middle page of his new...
18:16I can't read this.
18:27I can't see what the Coleman was accused of.
18:30It's continued on the middle page here.
18:32Oh, sorry.
18:33Can't read that out.
18:34I'm sorry.
18:35You see, we're decorating.
18:36What?
18:37Oh, yeah.
18:37Yeah, yeah.
18:38Very nice, very nice.
18:39You haven't finished, have you?
18:40No.
18:41Oh, that's good.
18:41Here, er...
18:43You were there last night, weren't you?
18:46Yes.
18:46Yeah.
18:47Yeah, you saw me then,
18:48when I stood up to that big fella.
18:50It's more than most would have done, you know.
18:52You mean it's more than I did?
18:54Eh?
18:54Well, let me tell you something.
18:55It won't happen again, scene or no scene.
18:57What?
18:58Listen, tonight will be a different story.
18:59You mark my...
19:00Oh, sorry.
19:00Look, why don't we go to the feathers?
19:08Because it's really nice there.
19:10Because I want to come here.
19:11Look, this isn't the gunfight at the OK Corral.
19:14What are you trying to prove?
19:16Listen, I won't be the one who starts anything.
19:18Three halves of bitter.
19:19No, make mine a scotch.
19:21I can see what he's after.
19:22If he's in hospital, he won't have to help with the decorating.
19:24Listen, I've come here for a peaceful drink.
19:27Nothing else.
19:28Well, he's not in here tonight.
19:30Huh? Oh, good.
19:31I mean, good. Good for him.
19:33All men are the same.
19:34Now, if women ran this world, there'd be no wars, no fighting.
19:36Right. Nations would just nag each other to death.
19:39Yeah, about your slate.
19:41Any chance of settling up?
19:42I mean, soon, before the big fella comes in.
19:46Friday.
19:47Friday.
19:49Look, why don't we just drink up and go home?
19:52I'll do the dance of the seven dust sheets for you.
19:54You think I'm sex mad, don't you?
19:56Well, go by those books hidden under your bed, yes.
19:59There are no books hidden underneath my bed.
20:01No, they're hidden in your wardrobe.
20:02Right.
20:11Bye to Mick, Squire.
20:15Hello, Zahran. All right, then?
20:17That's it.
20:18Look, he always said hello.
20:20It's the way he said it.
20:21Where are you going?
20:27Just to get another drink.
20:29No, you're not. I'm going to get it.
20:30You stay there.
20:33Hello, love. Like a drink?
20:34No, thank you.
20:35Look, my friend over there,
20:37he's looking for an excuse to come across here and thump you.
20:39You what?
20:41Well...
20:41Now, listen, the moment he starts anything,
20:43insults anybody, knocks a drink over, that's it.
20:45He's been asking for it and he'll get it.
20:46Listen, he's only talking to Chrissie.
20:49That's it.
20:50It's gone too far.
21:01Is he insulting you?
21:02No!
21:04Oh.
21:05Well, he did last night.
21:07He did last night.
21:09And I think an apology.
21:11What?
21:12I think it was disgraceful the way you behaved last night.
21:15Insulting people, knocking people's drink...
21:16Hey, come on! Watch it!
21:18I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
21:19No, I'm not sorry.
21:20I'm not sorry.
21:21I'm glad.
21:23Yeah, well, I suppose it was an accident.
21:25Yes.
21:25No, it wasn't.
21:26No.
21:26In fact, I might have done it on purpose, all I know.
21:28In fact, yes, I did.
21:31Hey!
21:33You!
21:34Hey, you, you!
21:35You don't want to watch it, you do.
21:39I've other might have.
21:43You.
21:47You just watch it, that's all.
21:51Just watch it.
21:55See, I told you.
21:56It's all wind and hiss.
22:03Hey, you really told him off?
22:05I just did what had to be done.
22:06I was very brave.
22:08Foolhardy, if you ask me.
22:10Foolhardy.
22:10You needed a fight, then.
22:12You with your dicky heart and silver plate in your skull.
22:14Pardon?
22:15Well, I heard her telling him.
22:17You said that.
22:18Well, the...
22:19Let me tell you something.
22:20There's nothing wrong with my heart,
22:22and I haven't got a dicky plate in my head.
22:24Come again.
22:25Come again.
22:28Come on.
22:28Come on.
22:29Come on.
22:29Come on.
22:30Come on.
22:30Come on.
22:31Come on.
22:31Come on.
22:32Come on.
22:32Come on.
22:33Come on.
22:33Come on.
22:34Come on.
22:34Come on.
22:35Come on.
22:35Come on.
22:36Come on.
22:36Come on.
22:37Come on.
22:37Come on.
22:38Come on.
22:38Come on.
22:39Come on.
22:39Come on.
22:40Come on.
22:40Come on.
22:41Come on.
22:41Come on.
22:42Come on.
22:42Come on.
22:43Come on.
22:43Come on.
22:44Come on.
22:44Come on.
22:45Come on.
22:45Come on.
22:46Come on.
22:46Come on.
22:47Come on.
22:47Come on.
22:48Come on.
22:49Come on.
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