- 5 days ago
First broadcast 17tth March 1976.
George sells Mildred's sun lamp to Larry, who then sells it on to Robin, who wants a pre-holiday tan.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
George sells Mildred's sun lamp to Larry, who then sells it on to Robin, who wants a pre-holiday tan.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00And that's the new-new-mewing from Pelvic Thrust, riding high at 37 in the Hot 100.
01:17You're tuned in, turned on, and being tantalized by Ricky Wind, your OK DJ.
01:24Right off.
01:26Right off, stupid twit.
01:28George, leave it on. I want to know what time it is.
01:33Yeah, it's time he was shot.
01:35This job is cool.
01:39They talk rubbish, Mildred.
01:41Alvar Liddell, now he knew how to speak proper.
01:44Last night, our bombers attacked the marshalling yards in Dusseldorf, inflicting severe damage.
01:51Now, that was real entertainment.
01:53It's ten o'clock.
01:55Wages.
01:56Oh.
01:57I didn't do the full three days at the betting shop this week.
02:01I know, George.
02:01On Tuesday, you couldn't find your socks.
02:03No.
02:03Well, it came open in my pocket.
02:10There's a palm missing, George.
02:13What can you tell?
02:14There's always a palm missing.
02:16Hand it over.
02:17I was saving up for something.
02:19But you're not going to tell me what it is, are you, George?
02:21Isn't a man entitled to a bit of privacy?
02:23Not when he's married.
02:25I'm off to the...
02:25Here's one.
02:30Two weeks in San Maritz, eh?
02:31Fourteen days, shushing down the pist.
02:35I might even get in a bit of skiing.
02:37No, I just want to strip off and lie in the sun.
02:39No, Dodger, you're liable to get ski tracks either side of your belly button.
02:43On a beach.
02:45In Torremolinos.
02:46No, no way.
02:47The sand scrapes the paint off the skis.
02:48No, come on.
02:49San Maritz.
02:50Now, just think of it, the sparkling slopes, the dramatic mountain peaks.
02:53The cool, clean smell of the anaesthetic, the snowy white plaster cast on your leg.
02:57Listen, I've learned how to fall without hurting myself.
03:01It comes from years of drinking.
03:04Morning.
03:04Morning.
03:05Right, it's up to you.
03:06She wants the sand, I want the mountain peaks.
03:08Oh, well, compromise.
03:09We go to a very steep beach.
03:11I've already bought things for my holiday.
03:13I look ridiculous perched on top of a mountain wearing flippers and a snorkel.
03:17Morning, don't.
03:18Ah.
03:20Holidays, eh?
03:20You decided where we're going, yeah?
03:22Oh, God, he's not coming too, is he?
03:24Oh, well, actually, yes, I was going to mention that, you see.
03:26I mean, it would be cheaper if the four of us share a villa.
03:29A villa?
03:30Or a mountain chalet.
03:31I mean, you know, I must admit that he is the last person you'd want to share a holiday with.
03:35Oh, it's nice to feel welcome.
03:37But, I mean, it would be cheaper.
03:38I know his type on the beach.
03:39He steals your suntan lotion after you put it on.
03:43Sorry, Larry.
03:43Oh, don't be like that.
03:45I was really looking forward to coming away with you to, um, to, uh...
03:50Torremolinos?
03:51Torremolinos.
03:52Yeah, yeah.
03:52He can come.
03:53Three to one.
03:54You're outvoted.
03:57You burk.
03:58There's a lot of talent in San Maritz.
04:00Yeah, there might be plenty of burrs, but think of all them zips you've got to undo.
04:03And those skis don't have tear the sheets, you know?
04:05Yes, I know.
04:05Yeah, I think of all that crumpet on the beach in Torremolinos.
04:11Yeah, so think of all those local bronze studs doing their handstands, showing off their tan.
04:16I mean, what chance were I looking like a whitewashed milk bottle?
04:20Well, not all that bad.
04:21Listen, the last time I was on a beach, three people went down with snow blinders.
04:24But by the time I get a tan, the holiday's over.
04:27Well, you can buy stuff to rub on to make your brown.
04:29Yeah?
04:30Bisto.
04:30That's very good.
04:33Where are you off now?
04:34I'm off the Torremolinos, aren't I?
04:36First, I'm going down to see what's in the post.
04:42Oh!
04:50Oh, morning, Mr. Rober.
04:51Oh, morning, son.
04:52There's nothing worth steaming home.
04:53Oh, no.
04:55Can you spare a minute?
04:57Come inside.
05:02I'll come straight to the point, Robin.
05:03Larry.
05:03Larry.
05:04I need some money.
05:06Well, I'm saving up.
05:08So I've decided to sell something.
05:10And, well, I've thought of you.
05:12You can't sell me.
05:15No, no, no, no.
05:16I thought there might be something you'd like to buy.
05:18For money, I mean.
05:19Well, there must be something you're short of.
05:21Yeah, there is.
05:21I'm short of money.
05:22Now, come here.
05:23Listen, listen.
05:24What?
05:25Yeah.
05:27Would you like to buy a wireless?
05:29You're tuned in to the Ricky Wynn Show.
05:33That was for pleasure.
05:35Well, there are some good programs on.
05:36He's not always on.
05:37No, I've already got a wireless, Mr. Roper.
05:39Ah.
05:40Yeah, well, wait a minute.
05:42Hey, hey, here.
05:42Come here.
05:44What about a sewing machine?
05:46I don't do a lot of sewing.
05:48Well, you could take it up.
05:50Give you something to do while listening to the wireless.
05:51Nah, sorry.
05:52Oh, well, let's have a look in here.
05:54Oh, hey.
05:55Here, here.
05:56What about this thing, eh?
05:57Yeah, hey.
05:58Uh, yeah, it's a reading, then.
06:00Sunray lamp.
06:01Yeah, that as well.
06:04Sunray?
06:05Hey, they're good for you, aren't they?
06:06They make you brown.
06:07All those ultra-violent rays.
06:10Brown, yeah.
06:12Yeah, how much?
06:12Oh, very brown.
06:16Oh, money, you mean?
06:18Uh, yeah.
06:19Well, shall we say five quid?
06:21Ten quid and it's yours, mate.
06:23It's just what you need, isn't it?
06:24There's goggles to go with it.
06:25Yeah, but, Larry, where did you actually get it?
06:27It's a family heirloom, isn't it?
06:29I forgot I had it.
06:30That's been in my family since 1830, that is.
06:34Larry, they didn't have electricity in 1830.
06:36That's why it's in such good nick.
06:39Ah, you think of it.
06:40A couple of weeks using that, you'll be golden brown all over.
06:43Like a crisp with legs.
06:44Look, I'll tell you what.
06:45How about you...
06:46How about you lending it to me for a couple of weeks?
06:48Nah, sorry.
06:49I've got no machinery for lending things.
06:51Do you want it or not?
06:52Well, it's very tempting.
06:53I mean, I've got these white trunks, you know, that would show it off.
06:55You know, the brown, I mean.
06:57Yeah, especially the legs.
06:58Oh, the legs, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:59And the body, eh?
07:00All brown and sexy.
07:02Oh, stop it.
07:02I'll be getting into fancy.
07:03And so are all the girls.
07:05The girls on the beach of Toro Molinos.
07:07Yeah, well, you just give us the 12 quid and we'll...
07:09Er, 10.
07:1010 quid.
07:11Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
07:13Slip of the tongue.
07:14Well, we don't have to go to Spain.
07:18I mean, we could go to France or Italy.
07:21Pizza.
07:22Hmm.
07:23Pizza's nice, but niece is nicer.
07:26Say that again.
07:28I don't think I could.
07:30Right, girls.
07:31Girls.
07:31Now, listen to me.
07:33Right.
07:35I'll give you fair warning.
07:37I am about to strip off.
07:39Now, anybody who does not want to witness this exciting event has two minutes to head to the beach.
07:43Where did you get that?
07:44No, you're supposed to say that after I've taken them off.
07:50Come on, Larry, upstairs.
07:52Larry?
07:52Yeah.
07:52Well, take it out.
07:53We're not having stolen property in here.
07:55Do you know, you're very hard on Larry.
07:57Larry, he's got this framed certificate on his wall, commending him for all the good work he's done for charity.
08:01Has he?
08:01Yeah, he nicked it from the junk shop.
08:04Well, if you are going to use it, my houseplants could do with a bit of sunshine.
08:07Oh, yeah, there's some tomatoes on the window ledge that need ripening.
08:10Oh, yes.
08:11And I tell you what, why don't you get the frozen joint out of the fridge and I could thaw it off on my stomach?
08:15Oh, good idea.
08:17Bloody hell.
08:20Four, five.
08:22Here, that should do nicely.
08:27Oh, George, I'm home.
08:29Yeah, well, I'm just off out.
08:30George, why is it when I come in, you always go out?
08:33We're like that little old man and woman and the weather clock.
08:35Yeah, here you go.
08:37George, I have something to say.
08:39Yeah, all right.
08:40Well, you carry on then.
08:41To you.
08:41Get in there.
08:42Now, George, I've been thinking, I've been thinking that I have been a little harsh to you, you know, not letting you have any money to save up for something.
08:55Ah.
08:56Yes.
08:57Now, George, this something.
09:00Would it be in the area of jewellery?
09:03A sort of small token for a loved one?
09:07No.
09:09Oh.
09:10Well, um, would it be chocolatey or flower-like?
09:16No.
09:17Then you're not having it yourself, you little devil.
09:19Listen, do you think they're going to know that it's not the real son?
09:30Well, I won't tell them if you don't.
09:31All right then.
09:32You too can have a body like twine.
09:56Makes you want to kick sand in his face.
09:59Oh, do sit down.
10:00Do you know, I'm amazed the way you two girls
10:03control that animal passion that must be seething up inside of you.
10:08There are plenty of girls who would melt at the sight of these rippling mussels.
10:14Excuse me, dears.
10:16I've just come in to return the...
10:18Oh.
10:20Oh, I say.
10:26Sugar.
10:27Sugar.
10:27I was just doing a spot of sunbealing.
10:31Yes.
10:32You look a bit like Tarzan in the middle of all that lot.
10:36Oh, class, yes.
10:39Joe, the lamp.
10:41Right, now, how would you like yourself?
10:44Rare, medium or well done?
10:46Oh, don't encourage it.
10:47Too much of it's bad for you.
10:48Isn't that right?
10:49I wouldn't know, love.
10:52Well, it is.
10:54Actually, you know, if you had two of those, you could do your back and front at the same
10:58time.
10:58Yeah, that's the way they do Kentucky Fried Chicken.
11:02He'd be finger-licking good.
11:03Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
11:06I've got a sunray lamp.
11:07Really?
11:08Yeah.
11:08It's tucked away downstairs somewhere.
11:11Here, I'll go and dig it out.
11:12I won't be a minute.
11:13Oh, that would be marvellous.
11:18Green fly?
11:18Green fly?
11:25Oh, George.
11:27Have you seen my sunray lamp?
11:29Eh?
11:29You know, the one my sister gave me, because it was getting dusty.
11:33What, any one with a scratch across the back?
11:35Yeah.
11:36No, no, no, I've never seen it.
11:39Are you sure?
11:41How dare you accuse me of whatever it is.
11:45I'm tired of your...
11:46I'm your husband, Mildred.
11:47If you can't trust me, then it's a poor lookout.
11:50Perhaps you'd like me to swear on the Bible, would you, eh?
11:52No, no, don't be silly, George.
11:54No, come on, would you?
11:55Eh, eh, yeah?
11:56Then perhaps you'll believe me.
11:57Oh, all right then, George.
11:59If it makes you feel any better, go ahead.
12:03Eh?
12:05Go on.
12:06Just say,
12:07I do not know what has happened to Mildred's lamp.
12:13I've only done what's happened to me before.
12:16You don't fool God by mumbling, George.
12:20I said, I don't know what's happened to a rotten lamp.
12:21Oh, well, I simply cannot understand it.
12:24I've been right the way through this flat.
12:26I can only think that somebody's come in and taken it.
12:28No.
12:29Yes, they have.
12:29Somebody has come in here and taken it.
12:31Nobody would do that.
12:32That'd be stealing.
12:33I know that.
12:34Yeah, but what do you want it for, anyway?
12:36Well, Mr Tripper's got a sunray lamp upstairs, and he's...
12:38Oh, oh, George.
12:44It's him, Mr Tripp.
12:46He's got it.
12:47Are you telling me he's got a sunray lamp as well?
13:08As well as who?
13:09As well as you.
13:10Oh, no, you haven't got one, have you?
13:11That's what I'm telling you, George.
13:13Mr Tripp, he's got it.
13:16At least I'll...
13:17I think he's got it.
13:19Oh, no, I mean, he wouldn't do a thing like that.
13:23No, not Mr Tripp.
13:24No, I mean, Mr Tripp is not a thief.
13:26You ought to be ashamed of yourself thinking things like that.
13:29What?
13:30What am I doing?
13:31Hmm, difficult to tell.
13:32If you were a sausage, I could stick a fork in you.
13:36It's pretty boring just laying here.
13:37Couldn't you sort of, you know, make rabbits on my chest?
13:41You know, just sort of pass the time.
13:42Certainly not.
13:43He wants me to make rabbits on his chest.
13:46Dirty devil.
13:50Am I getting any browner?
13:52Well, you've only been under there for a few minutes.
13:54What do you expect?
13:55Instant Harry Belafonte?
13:57Excuse me, dear.
13:59It's me again.
13:59Oh, I say.
14:00Isn't that bright?
14:01Um, I'm afraid I couldn't find my sunray lamp, dear.
14:05Oh, well, never mind.
14:05We'll have to make do with one.
14:06We can turn him round on a spit.
14:09Yes.
14:10Um, it's a pity, really, you know,
14:12because, um, my sunray lamp was in very, very good condition.
14:16You know, apart from a little scratch on the back of the, uh...
14:21Oh.
14:22Hey, Jo, Jo, can you get me a bit of cardboard
14:24in case my nose starts peeling?
14:25Oh, yes, we've got an empty Cornflakes packet.
14:28It's not that big.
14:31Do you mind my asking, Mr. Tripp,
14:33how long have you had it?
14:37Well, ever since I was born, actually.
14:41No, I...
14:41I meant the lamp.
14:43Oh, the answer, sorry.
14:43So, I got it off Larry about half an hour upstairs.
14:46Larry?
14:46Mm.
14:46Of course I might have known it's him.
14:52George.
14:54George, it is my lamp, and now I know who took it.
14:58It's a lie.
15:00It's that Mr. Simmons upstairs.
15:02Oh, oh, yeah.
15:03And as soon as he gets home, I'm going to have it out with him.
15:05Oh, no, no, wait a minute.
15:07I mean, they tell lies, these sunray lamp thieves.
15:10And anyway, you need proof, like footprints.
15:14George, I'm accusing him of stealing it, not dancing on it.
15:18Anyway, you can't just accuse him outright.
15:20Try the subtle approach.
15:21What's that?
15:21Forget the old thing.
15:22Oh.
15:23Look, that young man comes into my home.
15:26He rummages through my drawers, through my cupboard.
15:29And you expect me to forget it?
15:32Oh, there he is, George.
15:33Yeah, wait a minute.
15:34This is a man's job, Mildred.
15:36Leave this to me.
15:37No, no, no, no, no, no.
15:39I'll deal with it.
15:42I want to work with you, young man.
15:44Yeah, fire away.
15:45Upstairs, you say?
15:46Very well.
15:46We'll go upstairs.
15:47What?
15:52I think you may know what this is all about.
15:55Go on.
15:59What I've got to say may not be pleasant, but it's got to be said.
16:02Well, say it, then.
16:04It's not much weather for the time of year, isn't it?
16:12Was that it?
16:13Aye, yeah, yeah, well, more or less.
16:15Well, why couldn't you have said that down in the hall?
16:17Ah, yeah, well, she'd have heard me, see.
16:20And you don't want her to know?
16:21No, no.
16:23Yes, well, it's been very pleasant, but I can't stand here talking to you.
16:27George!
16:28Well, I'll see you about, then.
16:30It's no use you snivelling, son.
16:32Son, don't let this happen again.
16:33Do you hear me?
16:35Nice to have talked to you, son.
16:38What a funny man.
16:41Well, did he admit taking it, George?
16:43Oh, yeah.
16:44Yes, he broke down and confessed.
16:48Yes, in tears he was.
16:50He's got to go.
16:51Ah, no, we can't be harsh on him, Mildred.
16:54I mean, he's an orphan from a broken home.
16:58He's not had a lot of love.
16:59Neither have I, but I don't go around stealing lamps.
17:03Well, it's better the given than the received.
17:05Ah, well, we didn't give it to him, George.
17:07He nicked it.
17:08Anyway, if we label him a tea leaf,
17:10how do you think his poor old grey-haired mum and dad are going to feel?
17:12You just said they were dead.
17:15Well, it doesn't mean they haven't got any feelings.
17:18Forgive and forget, I say.
17:20Yes, well, I don't know.
17:22I'll think about it.
17:24But now I'm going to get my lamp.
17:26Wait a minute.
17:27I'm melting.
17:28I'll get it.
17:30You make a nice cuppa, hey?
17:31No, if you go on holiday looking too brown,
17:44we may have to smuggle you back into the country.
17:46Right, right.
17:48Now, that will do for the time being,
17:51but tomorrow I shall tie myself in a place where I haven't tied myself today.
17:57Where?
17:59There.
18:01Hey, what about this?
18:03Villa sleeps for overlooking the sea, overlooking the sand.
18:07Overlooking the price.
18:09We're going to be splitting it.
18:10You're paying half, I'm paying half, Larry's paying half and Joan's paying half.
18:14That's 200%.
18:15So, we're making a profit.
18:19Al, afternoon.
18:22Afternoon.
18:23It's nice weather for the time of year.
18:26It's pouring down.
18:27Yeah, outside.
18:30But, er, I mean, in here, it's nice.
18:33Yeah.
18:34Yeah.
18:35Yeah, well, enough of that chit-chat.
18:36Er, I want to borrow your what's name for a bit.
18:38Mainly to keep Mildred happy.
18:40I want to borrow my what's name.
18:51What do you think?
18:52I don't know.
18:53You never get it downstairs.
18:55Not without taking the wheels off.
18:56No, no, no.
18:56Of course, it might bend the aerial a bit.
18:59Then we'd never get any ice cubes.
19:00Yeah.
19:01No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:02I'm talking about that.
19:02You see that?
19:03Oh, the what's name?
19:06You should have said.
19:07Yes, but I'll need it back later.
19:08Yeah, right.
19:09That's all right.
19:10It'll all be blown over by then.
19:12What, well?
19:14I don't know.
19:14The fine weather.
19:18Mildred.
19:19I'll get it back.
19:20Mildred.
19:23Mildred.
19:25Well, I don't know about you,
19:26but it seems to be doing my plants some good.
19:28Yeah, and me.
19:29Come the spring, there'll be a mass of blossoms under there.
19:31You know, I can already feel my sap rising.
19:37Hey, I think one of them started to come out.
19:39Yeah.
19:42What?
19:44Listen, have you finished?
19:45Because I'd like to sunbathe.
19:46What a great idea.
19:48Well, that doesn't lead very much to the imagination.
19:51If you've got it, let the air get to it.
19:52Oh, you're so right.
19:56Anyway, the one you bought shows even more.
19:58Has it?
19:59Er, Chrissie, why don't you do a little spot of sunbathe?
20:04Well, I'd quite like to if we had a lamp.
20:05Ah, a lamp?
20:06Yes.
20:07Er, no problem.
20:08I'll pop down again.
20:09You see, the thing is,
20:10I mean, if you keep the top half on,
20:12well, you get white marks.
20:13Yeah, nasty thing, white marks.
20:14I say no to white marks.
20:16And I need someone to rub my suntan oil in.
20:19Suntan oil, yes.
20:20Yes, no problem.
20:22Oh, it's all fitting into place.
20:25Don't get dressed.
20:27Did you see that?
20:28There was steam coming out of his ears.
20:33Er, hello?
20:33Hello, is anybody there?
20:35Ah.
20:36Er, hello?
20:36Yeah, I've got it back now, Mildred,
20:39so let's forget the old thing, eh?
20:41Well, I don't know, George.
20:42I mean, young people these days
20:43seem to have no respect for other people's property.
20:46Hello there.
20:47Just taking the lamp.
20:49Why, Mr Tripp?
20:51Well, because I want it, you see.
20:52Oh, my God.
20:53Look, that does not belong to Mr Simmons, you know.
20:56No, no, no, it's mine.
20:57See ya.
21:00George!
21:01Yeah, well, perhaps he's an orphan as well, Mildred.
21:07Right, I'll just plug it in.
21:08Oh, I'm all thumbs up.
21:11Oh, God.
21:12There we are.
21:16Right, just squeeze in the middle of you two.
21:19I'll just have a few more minutes myself.
21:21Aren't you all good?
21:22Yes, I know.
21:23Oh, I'll tell you what.
21:26Sun lotion.
21:27Right, now, er, who's first?
21:30We've done it.
21:31Oh, hell.
21:33Afternoon.
21:34Any chance of borrowing?
21:38Oh, dear.
21:39What a lovely pair.
21:43And another lovely pair.
21:46You can get them in Woolies.
21:47Only £1.50.
21:49I thought it might be you.
21:50You've got a nose for this sort of thing.
21:52What do you want?
21:53I've forgotten.
21:54Can I stay and watch?
21:55Oh, yeah, be my guest.
21:57Ah, you're a mate.
21:59Excuse me, Mr. Tripp, but I am taking this sunray lamp.
22:07Hey, you can't do that.
22:08I'm very sorry about your parents, Mr. Simmons.
22:11Why?
22:11What's happened to you?
22:13But this is going to be locked away in the cupboard.
22:16Well, how can we use it if you do that?
22:17You can ask me.
22:19I may let you have it for short periods.
22:21I want it all the time.
22:22Oh, my God.
22:23Mr. Tripp, you astonish me.
22:27I mean, I understand him stealing it, but you...
22:29Hang about.
22:29I bought that off Mr. Roper.
22:31Bought it?
22:32Yeah, five quid.
22:33There you are.
22:34How much?
22:36Oh, yeah.
22:40George.
22:41Miltie.
22:42George, you swore to me you didn't know what happened to my lamp.
22:45You swore to me on the Bible.
22:47Oh, no.
22:48It's Mrs. Beaton's world cookery book.
22:54You still sold my property.
22:56Only for money, Mildred.
22:58Well, you wouldn't let me have any and I needed some.
23:00What for?
23:01More of your mucky little magazines, I suppose.
23:04No, no.
23:06I needed it for a deposit for a week's holiday.
23:09A second honeymoon for you and me.
23:11What?
23:12I went to book it this afternoon.
23:14Same town, same hotel, same...
23:17same bedroom.
23:18It was meant to be a surprise.
23:20I know I don't give you much.
23:22George, I didn't know...
23:23Well, I thought it might bring us a little closer together
23:26than we have been for some time.
23:28Oh, George.
23:30When do we go?
23:32Ah.
23:34Yeah, well, it was shut, you see.
23:37And you know the betting shop is next door to the saturday, you see.
23:40Well, there was this horse running, you see, Miltie's treat.
23:43Well, if it had one, we could have had a fortnight...
23:45LAUGHTER
23:45APPLAUSE
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