- 2 days ago
First broadcast 26th September 1973.
Robin is conned by his friend Larry into looking after a puppy but he has to hide it from George, who operates a 'No Animals' rule, until he can find a new home for it.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Michael Segal - Landlord
Emmett Hennessy - Policeman
Robin is conned by his friend Larry into looking after a puppy but he has to hide it from George, who operates a 'No Animals' rule, until he can find a new home for it.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Michael Segal - Landlord
Emmett Hennessy - Policeman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, my God.
01:00You can put your feet down. I finished over there five minutes ago.
01:23Well, yes, I knew that. It's just that I like sitting awkwardly.
01:30Oh, you are in the way. Why do you have to sit there?
01:33Because you have moved me from there to there to there.
01:36I mean, would you like me to hang from the lampshade?
01:38No, no. Sit down there.
01:39Well, they've got to clean the place twice a year, whether it needs it or not.
01:45This loaf must have been in the bread bin for ages.
01:51This one is cereal from Hounslow.
01:52Nice to find cereal.
01:57Honestly, this place is full of a load of rubbish.
01:59Don't look at me. I pay my rent.
02:02Listen, what's that you're throwing away?
02:03I don't know. It looks like a packet of instant mildew.
02:08Tell you what, if I help chip in, you know...
02:10It'll take days. Sit down.
02:12Right.
02:13No, don't. You can clear through the records. Some of them aren't ours.
02:16Oh, all right.
02:17Actually, I've got to clear them up after the party, you know, but somehow the week's passed.
02:21Well, paintwork needs washing down. You can help there.
02:23Right, I'll find you some music to do it, Bri.
02:25Hey! Someone stubbed a cigarette out in the ashtray.
02:28So? What's wrong with that?
02:30There's nothing wrong with it. It's just that it's rare.
02:32Aha! Aha! Here we are. Frank Sinatra.
02:35Songs for swinging scrubbers.
02:40You know, scrubbers. Lovers. Scrubbers.
02:43Oh, well.
02:52All right. Which one of you did it?
02:54Come on, owner.
02:59It was you, wasn't it?
03:00You've got a guilty look on your face.
03:05It's your fault, really. You're supposed to potty train them.
03:09Oh, hello, mate.
03:10Hello.
03:10Listen, I brought your records back from the party.
03:12Oh.
03:13I'm afraid I broke a few.
03:14Oh?
03:15Yeah, well, I just didn't like them.
03:16Oh, look. You've had pups. Congratulations.
03:20Not me, mate.
03:21I'll tell you, I reckon it was that little chihuahua down the street.
03:26Oh, come on.
03:28Yeah.
03:28She probably couldn't stop me for laughing.
03:31Yeah.
03:32Hey, when's your birthday?
03:33Uh, well.
03:35February?
03:36Many happy returns.
03:37Come on.
03:39Now, come on. I don't...
03:41I definitely don't want one.
03:45Look, I've got to get rid of them.
03:48Listen, I bring a bird here back last night, right?
03:51Laying on the couch, right?
03:53Suddenly I feel this hot little tongue in the ear.
03:55One of them.
03:56Would I be complaining if it wasn't?
03:59I'll take one. They're all house trained.
04:01Yeah, you've trained them to do it in the house.
04:04As a favour to me, eh?
04:06I mean, I've asked everyone else.
04:07They all changed the subject.
04:08Listen, what do you think of Fulham's chances for the cup?
04:12Listen, they're pure pedigree.
04:13There's at least half a dozen pedigree breeds in any one of them.
04:16No, no.
04:17I'm sorry, I suffer from lumbophobia.
04:19What?
04:19Well, I get this, you know, morbid fear of being lumbered.
04:21I'll tell you what.
04:22Listen, there's, you know, you know Jim Down the Landlord at the Mucky Duck?
04:25He said he was looking for a dog.
04:26Straight up?
04:27Here, which one do you think he'd like?
04:28Well...
04:29Go on, pick any one.
04:29Any one of the three.
04:30Go on.
04:30It's like find the lady.
04:32Here, lady.
04:33Er, here you go.
04:34There you go.
04:34All yours.
04:35The only one.
04:36What?
04:37Well, I can't go down there, can I?
04:39I owe him two quid on the slate.
04:40Anyway, it's more your local than mine.
04:42Yeah, but why me?
04:43Because you're a mate.
04:45Because you've got a warm heart.
04:47Because I don't want to start rumours that you go round in women's underwear.
04:51You'd do that, wouldn't you?
04:53Anyway, she likes you.
04:55Oh, look.
04:56She's wetted herself.
04:57Listen, I'll take her with me when I go to the pub tonight, all right?
05:04Good.
05:04I don't like dogs.
05:05No?
05:06No, not since I was bitten by a kennel owner.
05:08Listen, I think the stain's coming out now.
05:11All I need now is something to get rid of the stain left by the stain remover.
05:15Oh, look.
05:16She's got lovely wet nose.
05:17Yes, it's the other end you've got to watch.
05:20Listen, there's no point getting too attached to her because she's not stained.
05:23She can't stain.
05:23Mrs. Roper won't let us have a dog.
05:25She's a bitch.
05:26Yeah, maybe, but she won't let us have a dog.
05:29It's in the lease.
05:30No dogs, no children.
05:31They've got a budgie?
05:32Yeah, but it hardly ever barks, does it?
05:35Oh, look, I bet you've never had a dog.
05:37Wrong.
05:38My father had a Doberman Pinscher.
05:40It could fail you with a lick.
05:41Oh, really?
05:41Yeah.
05:42Three pounds of meat a day.
05:43When it finally died, the economy of Argentina collapsed.
05:47Listen, there's no point in going on about it because she's not stained.
05:51She's cute, though, isn't she?
05:52Oh, look, look, look.
05:55Look at those sharp little teeth.
05:56Oh, goody, goody, goody.
06:04Like bloody needles.
06:06Don't think she'll go separate, do you?
06:08I bet she was a little bit hungry.
06:11Hey, Jim.
06:12Jim, you know you were looking for a dog, right?
06:15Well, I've got a little surprise for you.
06:18Here we are.
06:19Oh, snap.
06:24Listen, where did you get that from?
06:25That friend of yours, what's his name?
06:27Larry.
06:27Larry, yeah.
06:28Somebody told him I was looking for a dog, so he sent it round.
06:31Nice of him, wasn't he?
06:32What a... friend.
06:34Oh, you've just missed him.
06:37Oh, it's all right.
06:37I only want to tell him something.
06:39Yeah, well, he's gone down to the pub with the dog.
06:41Ah, well, he'll know already, then.
06:43Well, I won't hang about.
06:45Oh, don't go.
06:45You can do something for me.
06:46Oh, yeah?
06:47Yeah, just wait there a sec.
06:48I'm just going to get these off.
06:50Oh, yeah?
06:50No, but I've been trying to do it on my own, but it's very difficult.
06:55Oh, yeah.
06:58Here, it's not only too strenuous, is it?
06:59I know my back's been playing me up lately.
07:01Bobby Clark can do it.
07:03You can do it.
07:03Oh, yeah.
07:06Do what?
07:08Help me to pin this up.
07:10Oh, yeah.
07:11You thought your ship had come in, then, didn't you?
07:15About an inch off the floor, so people can see my sexy toes.
07:18I could do this better if I was working from the inside.
07:21You could whistle better if you had all your teeth.
07:25That's what he was doing.
07:26He was deliberately lumbering me.
07:27That's what he was...
07:29Don't you try and hide.
07:32Oh, look.
07:32Now, listen, look.
07:34See, when you left yesterday afternoon, I got to thinking.
07:36I thought, if I did the landlord a favour, he might wipe me slate clean.
07:39And you did say he wanted the dog.
07:41What's this, a butterfly?
07:43Oh, that's a bitch, innit?
07:44So I took him a dog.
07:45Oh, what's the difference?
07:46Small but vital.
07:49Listen, you deliberately conned me to take this just to get it off your hands, didn't you?
07:52Never.
07:52Oh, yes, he did.
07:53Listen, you thought I was going to get attached to this, didn't you?
07:55Well, you are a bit wet sometimes.
07:56It's all the way down my arm.
07:58No way.
07:59All right.
08:00Mind you, it is the last one.
08:01I gave the other one to a Jehovah's Witness who knocked.
08:04Listen, just take it away.
08:05Dump it on somebody else.
08:06All right.
08:06Well, I don't know whether you'd fancy, you know, like...
08:11I can't.
08:11We're not allowed to keep a dog.
08:13All right, all right.
08:15It's a shame, no?
08:16I've tried everyone else, I know.
08:18I'll just have to have a put down.
08:20Dale, don't blame yourselves.
08:22We don't.
08:23Do you, uh, do you want to say goodbye?
08:25It's the last time you see her.
08:26Look, get out.
08:43Yes, well.
08:44Jo, help me pin this up, will you?
08:47Okay.
08:47Okay.
08:53Look, he won't do it, you know.
08:56I mean, he won't have a put down.
08:57No.
08:59I mean, not in a million years.
09:01No.
09:05On the other hand, he might.
09:07Yes.
09:07But, I mean, that's not our responsibility.
09:09I mean, not really.
09:12No.
09:13No.
09:15I mean, it's got nothing to do with us, does it?
09:17I mean, you know, I'm not gonna...
09:19I'm not gonna lose a night's sleep of a silly little dog.
09:22Oh, for goodness sake, go and get her.
09:24Right.
09:26Well, come on, okay.
09:27That means a little soft feeder.
09:31Wait a minute, Larry.
09:32Oh, bring a little more feeder.
09:34What about that Chinese fella from that takeaway place?
09:37He was looking for a dog.
09:38Yes, but what for?
09:39Hmm.
09:42Well, I hope she's not one out of the ten dogs
09:44that doesn't like this stuff.
09:45Oh, somebody must want one.
09:47Who's a soft touch for big brown eyes and floppy ears?
09:50Well.
09:51Oh, apart from you.
09:53But the Ropers will go spare
09:54if they find out we're keeping a dog.
09:57Hey, listen, hurry up with that, Jo, will you?
09:59She's beginning to sniff at my fingers again.
10:02Oh, hello.
10:03Oh, hello, dear.
10:04I was wondering,
10:05could I borrow just a little drop of milk?
10:07Yeah, sure.
10:08Robin, can you find a drop of milk for Mrs Roper?
10:11Oh, yes.
10:13Just a minute.
10:14Keep her in the bedroom, rather,
10:16and keep her quiet, right?
10:17I had a drop, but it went off.
10:25Oh.
10:26Yeah, well, you see,
10:27our fridge defrosts every time we flush the toilet.
10:29I get a lot of that in these old houses.
10:35Is that enough?
10:36Oh, that's lovely, dear.
10:37I mean, it's only for his tea.
10:38Mr Roper likes a milky tea with his dinner, you know.
10:41Oh.
10:43You've been to the wars, have you?
10:44Oh, yes, it was bitten.
10:47It was bitten by Chrissie.
10:52Chrissie bit it.
10:54Well, he shouldn't have put it in my mouth.
10:58Oh, I see.
10:59Fun and games, eh?
11:01Oh, is that one of your recipes?
11:03Oh, it does look nice.
11:05Yes, that's, um...
11:07That's, uh, uh, uh,
11:08Boeuf...
11:09Boeuf Bourguignon.
11:11Oh, is it?
11:12Hmm.
11:12Doesn't look a lot for three.
11:14Leftovers.
11:15Oh.
11:15Leftovers.
11:16Yeah, he was just about to throw it away.
11:17Yeah, that was far too much for us three.
11:18Oh, dear, don't do that.
11:21Oh, no.
11:23I mean, that would be a terrible waste,
11:26what with you being such a good cook and all.
11:28I mean, you must have spent hours over that.
11:30Well, I did, but I really don't think you...
11:31No, no, really.
11:32No.
11:32No, come on.
11:33Uh, I'll, uh, I'll give it to Mr Roper.
11:38You know, make a little treat for him.
11:40I'll warm it up for his dinner.
11:42There you go.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43APPLAUSE
11:44APPLAUSE
11:55Isn't that liver we're supposed to see us through the weekend?
12:03Well, you gave away her dinner.
12:18I didn't give it away.
12:19It was taken.
12:21They're supposing Roper eats that stuff.
12:23You know, and dies.
12:24What's that going to do for my reputation as a chef?
12:26Oh, it's only horse meat.
12:29Huh?
12:29They eat it all the time, you've got to.
12:30Yeah, not with bone meal and marabone jelly, then.
12:34Well, it'll give him a nice, rich, glossy coat.
12:37Oh, come on, he might not even eat it.
12:39Well, I'll tell you an easy way to find out.
12:41Next time you see him, throw a stick, and if he fetches it...
12:43You're not at all worried, are you?
12:45Well, it's all right.
12:46Mrs Roper will dish you up with chips and peas,
12:48or a handful of Win-A-Lot.
12:49You'll never know the difference.
12:50Listen, listen, according to this date stamp,
12:52this should have been eaten last week.
12:54Listen, I really think I should go down stock, Roper, don't you?
12:58Oh, dear.
12:59This sweet beggar all on the box again tonight.
13:02I don't know what we pay our licence fee for.
13:04We don't, George.
13:06One of these days, they're going to come knocking at that door.
13:09Yeah, well, I told you what you say.
13:11We thought it was included in the water rates.
13:14Well, they can't do you for an honest mistake.
13:16We haven't paid them, either.
13:18Yeah, well, if you paid them before the final demand,
13:21they think you're sucking up to them.
13:22Yeah, what's that horrible smell?
13:26It's a little treat, George.
13:28There.
13:29Something a bit special.
13:30Perf boi gignol.
13:33It's French.
13:35Well, that's foreign.
13:36Well, not for the French it isn't.
13:37I do.
13:38It's got bits in it.
13:40Look at that.
13:41Bits of jelly.
13:42Well, is there in there?
13:44They're supposed to be in there.
13:47Are you having any of it?
13:48Oh, no, there wasn't enough for two.
13:49I'm making do with a little bit of old state and kidney.
13:57You reckon this is good stuff, then, do you?
14:00I mean, you know, tasty and all that.
14:02Well, yes, George.
14:04Then you have it.
14:06I'll make do with the state and kidney.
14:08I don't want any old foreign nut out of a packet.
14:10It is not out of a packet.
14:12Oh, honestly, you never try anything new.
14:17It's a wonder you ever came off Rusks.
14:20Good old English food.
14:21That's what I like.
14:22Grub you can pronounce.
14:23Ah, good evening.
14:24Ah, Mr. Ober.
14:25Ah, no, no, no.
14:26Sorry, I suppose to end like this, but I really can't allow you to do that.
14:29Sorry.
14:29No, honestly, it's better this way.
14:30You wouldn't like it anyway, believe me.
14:32Well, it's just a moment, mind, didn't I?
14:33Oh, no, I'm sorry, that's far better this way.
14:35Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:38Honestly, believe me, it would do no good.
14:42I mean, you don't understand the question.
14:47Don't look like this.
14:50It seems like a problem.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:53APPLAUSE
14:54She slanded my dinner in the bin.
15:03Yes, George, you did.
15:06Oh, no. Isn't it marvellous, eh?
15:12I will try that beef burger off after all.
15:16Oh, honey.
15:33Shh, shh, shh, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
15:41Come on, now, what's the matter with you, eh?
15:42Come on, what do you want?
15:43Shush.
15:44It's one o'clock in the morning. Why are you whimpering?
15:46It's not me, it's her.
15:48I was talking to her.
15:49Listen, I've given her a slipper to chew. She's hardly touched it.
15:52Shh, she's going to wake the whole house up.
15:54Look, can't you take it to bed with you?
15:55There might be fleas.
15:57Yeah, but the puppy won't mind.
16:00Anything, anything to keep it quiet.
16:02Look, can't you rock it?
16:04I would if I could find a rock.
16:10It's not her fault. She's just not tired, that's all.
16:13One of us should take her for a walk.
16:15Yeah, that's a good idea. Good idea. Which one?
16:18It's a stupid question, really, isn't it?
16:25Come on.
16:32Now, look.
16:35Are you?
16:36Or aren't you?
16:38One more time round the block and that's your...
16:41Oh, come on. Come on.
16:43Oh, come on, thanks.
16:57Hello, sir.
16:59Just, uh, taking the dog for a walk.
17:01Yeah, me and all.
17:02A bit of pressure as it stopped whimpering.
17:04All right.
17:05I want to see his teeth.
17:06Yes, sir.
17:08I know what you mean.
17:09All right.
17:10Go to your mic, eh?
17:11Come on, that's a bit late, isn't it?
17:13What about the police?
17:14Don't worry about them.
17:28They're the worst of the lot.
17:30Hello, Charlie.
17:35An hard scotch, is it?
17:37Uh, hmm.
17:37Here, you take hold of Prince.
17:40Yes.
17:40Go on.
17:41Sit yourself down.
17:44Evening.
17:54Oh, thank you.
17:55Same again, fellas?
17:56All right.
18:03I'm not driving.
18:08Well, I haven't even got a car.
18:10But, you know, I think drivers that drink and drive,
18:13I think they're shocking.
18:14Absolutely shocking.
18:17Well, you know, apart from panda car drivers.
18:21Well, it's all right for them, isn't it?
18:22I mean, uh, well, you know,
18:23you're most probably trained to drive while you're drunk,
18:26isn't it?
18:27I won't say anything, I won't say anything, you know, about this after-hours business.
18:34I mean, we're only human.
18:35Even policemen.
18:36Well, sorry, I mean, especially policemen.
18:38Do you like dogs?
18:46Vinegar, pimentos, garlic, shallots, lemons, oranges, sugar, spices.
18:51Contents, five fluid ounces.
18:54This sauce may be used with all kinds of fish,
18:56fried, grilled or boiled,
18:57with steaks, chops or cutlets, roast or boiled meats.
19:01Made in England.
19:02Printed by J.W. Stoner, Wolverhampton, Braze.
19:05Oh, right, I can't get the Sunday papers in a minute.
19:07Oh, no.
19:08Well, I've got to give the dog a breakfast.
19:10Oh, and talking of dog's breakfast,
19:12what time did you get in this morning?
19:14Oh, I don't know, about half past three.
19:15I couldn't really focus on the clock.
19:17Must have been a long walk.
19:18Oh, no, not really.
19:19We ended up at the Mucky Duck.
19:21Uh, these three...
19:22Oh, no.
19:23No, I don't think so.
19:24Three what?
19:25These three policemen, you see.
19:27We started playing this game,
19:28uh, Burst the Breath Lines.
19:32And after that, it all went a bit vague.
19:34Oh, do you ever get the feeling that your tongue's inside out?
19:37No, well, I'm just going to get the Sunday papers.
19:38Would you like some aspirin?
19:40What, those blinding white tablets?
19:41No, thank you.
19:45Cyanide?
19:45Yes, two lumps, please.
19:48It's all in the mind, you know.
19:50All you've got to do is just say,
19:51I haven't got a hangover.
19:53I don't think I'd believe me.
19:55If I could have a hangover like you've got.
19:57Actually, perhaps the hair of the dog would sort me out, eh?
19:59I mean, there's enough around here, isn't there?
20:01Where is she?
20:02What, the dog?
20:03Yeah.
20:03Well, she was here a minute ago.
20:04WHISTLE BLOWS
20:05Oh, hello.
20:16Hello.
20:18Well, then, where did you spring from?
20:22Oh, hello.
20:24She's not in the bedrooms or the bathrooms.
20:32But we should have given her a name, then.
20:33We could call her.
20:34Well, how about Lady, eh?
20:35Come on, Lady.
20:36Lady, Lady.
20:37Well, she doesn't know that's a name yet, does she?
20:39Well, we'll tell her when we find her.
20:41That's not the point.
20:42Lady, Lady.
20:43Oh, no, the front door.
20:44Joe left the front door open.
20:47It was on the doorstep, George, just now.
20:49Yeah, well, throw it over next door's garden.
20:52They never know.
20:54Honestly, don't be so cruel.
20:57Morning.
20:58Morning, look.
20:59Isn't it sweet?
21:01I found it on the doorstep.
21:02Oh, did you really?
21:03Here, just now.
21:04You got any idea who it belongs to?
21:05No.
21:06No, no.
21:06None at all?
21:07Yeah, well, sling it out.
21:08It'll probably find its way home.
21:09Oh, honestly, you are in a mood this morning.
21:11Well, I've been awake half the night with indigestion.
21:15Well, look, I mean, if no-one claims it, we might be able to keep it.
21:23That's a good idea.
21:24The flashing idea?
21:25No, no, just a moment.
21:26No dogs allowed.
21:27Well, that's only for the tenants, George.
21:28I mean, who's going to tell on you?
21:30Good point.
21:31Yeah.
21:31I mean, you're the one who always tells on everyone else.
21:34Ah.
21:35I expect you're hungry, aren't you?
21:36Yeah.
21:37She likes liver.
21:37Um, she looks as if she might like liver.
21:41No, that's what I meant.
21:42Oh, well, I see.
21:43Oh, you found out?
21:44Yes.
21:45Found.
21:46Out.
21:46Side.
21:47Straight out, not in.
21:48Don't know who it belongs to.
21:50Look, come on, the papers will be getting cold.
21:54George, I've always wanted a dog.
21:57Er, just another licence we'll have to buy.
21:59Right.
22:00Well, we'll say we thought it was included in the water rates.
22:02Go on.
22:02Surbiton housewife accuses vicar.
22:10He said he was showing me yoga positions.
22:14In the Sunday Times?
22:16Yeah, well, you know, this vicar's a radical theologian.
22:18It sounds it.
22:20I don't know.
22:21I miss it, though.
22:22Well, move to Surbiton.
22:26The dog.
22:26What?
22:27The dog?
22:27Oh, yes.
22:28Well, I mean, he's got a good home.
22:29I think everything's worked out rather nicely, actually.
22:32Yep, you know, I think we touched lucky there.
22:36Oh, hello, Tim.
22:37Morning.
22:37Morning.
22:38You were a bit fog and mist last night, weren't you?
22:40Well, I wouldn't say that.
22:41You must have been.
22:42You took my dog home and left your bitch behind.
22:44What?
22:45Here she is.
22:47Now, where's mine?
22:48Well, I think it's fine.
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