- 2 days ago
First broadcast 12th September 1973.
The flat-mates find that the rent money has gone missing and call the police.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Michael Segal - Landlord
Kenneth Watson - Bank Manager (as Ken Watson)
Derek Seaton - Policeman
Colin McCormack - Policeman
Raymond Farrell - Bank Clerk
The flat-mates find that the rent money has gone missing and call the police.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Michael Segal - Landlord
Kenneth Watson - Bank Manager (as Ken Watson)
Derek Seaton - Policeman
Colin McCormack - Policeman
Raymond Farrell - Bank Clerk
Category
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TVTranscript
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06:00Well, I do. I watch it on a neighbour's set, because we haven't got one.
06:08That's why I didn't bother to get a licence, you see.
06:11It didn't really seem necessary, not having a set.
06:15Shall we go up, sir, or do you wish to add anything to your statement?
06:20Oh, no. Oh, yes, yes, do go up.
06:23George, I would, you know, you'd barge right in there and listen, wouldn't you?
06:34Of course I wouldn't. There's a keyhole. Oh, George, get out there, we'll be there about it soon enough. Go on.
06:39So there's 80 pounds missing.
06:41So there's 80 pounds missing. Anything else? Oh, yes, there's a transistor radio. It's got a silver dial and the volume knob's loose.
06:49I took that to be repaired this morning. Which Jo took to be repaired this morning, so that's not missing.
06:54I don't really want a list of the things that aren't missing, or I'll be here all night, sir.
06:58Do you usually leave your rent money lying about in full view?
07:01No, we usually leave it under the pot.
07:03Pot, miss?
07:04Yes. Oh, plant pot.
07:07Sir, are you sure they got in this way?
07:09Well, it was open when we came in. Not very wide. Er, like that.
07:16Oh, yes, go on.
07:19You see, we lock this every morning, so I just don't know how they got in.
07:22Well, er, perhaps this might give us a clue.
07:26Ah, yes.
07:27But that's only for our use.
07:28They may not have known that, miss.
07:30So the three of you share the flat and so forth, hmm?
07:34Oh, just the flat, not the so forth.
07:37Yes.
07:38And you're sure there's nothing else missing?
07:40Um, no. Not that I can think of.
07:42No, no, I mean, not missing.
07:44You know, there are always little things we can't find, you know, small little things like lipstick.
07:48You can't find your lipstick, sir.
07:51No.
07:53Jo or Chris's, they're lipstick.
07:55I mean, odd socks, you know.
07:56But they're not actually missing. They're lost.
08:00Well, I mean, well, they're not lost.
08:01But, I mean, they're somewhere around here, but we can't find them, you see.
08:04That's not what you meant, is it?
08:07Yes, well, the people downstairs can't have been done.
08:09Otherwise, they would have said so.
08:11What about upstairs, miss?
08:12No, it's empty.
08:13Now, that's interesting.
08:14You think that's significant?
08:16Well, no, but my brother-in-law's looking for somewhere to live.
08:21Be ready, Bert.
08:22Yes.
08:22Key in the letterbox, money in full view, no insurance.
08:29It's one way of giving to charity, I suppose.
08:31We'll be in touch.
08:31They were a bit sarky, weren't they?
08:38I mean, there's no need for that.
08:39I mean, even stupid people are entitled to politeness.
08:42They could have taken us down to the station, made up an identikit picture or something.
08:46Who of?
08:47Well, I don't know.
08:48Well, you don't, do you, until you see it?
08:51You know, I'm sure that young policeman fancied me.
08:54Every time he looked at me, his whistle chain went tight.
08:57I know the type.
08:59Anything you wear will be taken down.
09:01Joe, will you sit down, please?
09:03Now, look, listen.
09:04We have lost this month's rent.
09:06Wrong.
09:07What?
09:08It was last month's rent.
09:09What?
09:09We're already a month's behind.
09:11Oh, God, yeah.
09:12Well, look, we'll just explain to Roper.
09:13I mean, he's a reasonable sort of chap, isn't he?
09:16I mean, you know, he'll understand.
09:19He won't tight-fitted little twit.
09:21Right.
09:22And he's mean with it.
09:23If he found a plaster, he'd cut himself.
09:24Oh, come on.
09:28He can't be that bad.
09:29We'll just explain we've been burgled.
09:31What can he do?
09:32Laugh.
09:32Yeah, and chuck us out.
09:33Yeah, he was bolshy enough last month.
09:38Well, no use sitting around here moping.
09:40Let's go to the pub and mope there.
09:42Right.
09:51Right.
09:52What are we having?
09:53How about half a pint and three straws?
09:55Oh, Chrissie, Chrissie, we're not that broke.
09:57We're just 80 quid in debt.
09:58I mean, look at the country.
09:59It's 20,000 million debt.
10:00You don't see Heath on the small shareholders, do you?
10:02Now, quick, quick.
10:05Now, look, we'll just have to try and raise the money somehow, right?
10:08I mean, maybe sell something.
10:11I've only got one thing worth selling.
10:13I was hoping to keep that until I got married.
10:14What was that?
10:18My grandmother's wedding room.
10:20Oh, of course.
10:22You know, we have to tell Mr. Roper.
10:24No, as long as Roper thinks we've got the money, he'll only be impatient.
10:27If he finds out we haven't, he'll go spare.
10:29Look, let's just avoid Roper for a few days until we can...
10:31Hello, Mr. Roper.
10:32Oh, evening.
10:33Hello.
10:34Hey, what were the police doing up at your place then, eh?
10:37Police?
10:38Oh, oh, the police.
10:40Oh, you mean Uncle Albert and Uncle Arthur.
10:43Oh, had a burglary.
10:45What?
10:46In the flat?
10:47Oh, dear, was anything taken?
10:48Nothing.
10:49No, nothing, right?
10:50Right, right, right, nothing.
10:52How'd you know you'd been burgled?
10:54Oh, um, Uncle Albert and Uncle Arthur told us.
10:59By the way, about the rent.
11:01Oh, look, look, it's nearly eight o'clock.
11:02As late as that, and I wanted an early night.
11:04Well, I have enjoyed our little chat.
11:06Mustache, bye!
11:09Oh, it can't be your hair cream, Joel.
11:17What did I tell you?
11:18No sympathy.
11:19All he could think about was his rent.
11:20Yeah.
11:21Yeah, well, you can't really blame him.
11:22He's just one of nature's vultures.
11:23Listen, have you got your key?
11:24No, me neither.
11:26Oh, not to worry.
11:27We'll use the one on the end of the year.
11:31Thank you very much.
11:56Do you want your eggs sunny side up?
12:04How can two black sooty lumps have a sunny side?
12:07Oh, come on. How do you want them?
12:08Cooked by somebody else.
12:10What's that?
12:12Oh, a brillo pad. Must have dropped it.
12:17And a cornflakes.
12:19Look, we can't waste eggs. We've got to raise £80 today.
12:22Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
12:23Listen, we, well, one of us, could try and get a bank overdraft.
12:27I've already got one. They're not much fun.
12:29I can't get one. Post office don't give overdrafts.
12:31Here.
12:33Oh, right.
12:34Well, you know, I suppose I could try and get one.
12:38Hey!
12:40That was your breakfast.
12:42But it didn't look like food.
12:45I think I'll stick to cornflakes.
12:47What's the matter with your legs?
12:48Oh, I've just broke it in three places, but it's OK. I've taken an aspirin.
12:51Did you do it climbing the drainpipe?
12:54No, I did it falling off the drainpipe. Please don't forget your key again.
12:58I've got a pig in my bedroom.
13:02Did you know that, Chrissie?
13:06No, a money pig.
13:07Why don't we see how much cash we've actually got?
13:10Actually, I've got a jar full of apenies.
13:12Well, it's a start. Go and get it.
13:13All right.
13:13I know I haven't got much.
13:17I blew my life savings on a packet of crisps.
13:21What's string worth these days?
13:24Not much.
13:25I'm afraid the boom days of 1959 will never return.
13:28And I've been saving up to buy a car.
13:30It's a slow process.
13:32You know, I think I'm going to have to break this.
13:35Wouldn't it be easier just to take the cork out of its bottom?
13:38Oh, yeah.
13:40Hang on a second.
13:45Oh, I thought I'd have more than that.
13:49I owe you three pounds, Chrissie.
13:52Oh, well, it was your birthday. I had to buy you a present.
13:57Listen, not to worry.
13:59Listen, with that little lot there and that little lot there,
14:02we should have quite a piddling amount.
14:04I'll have to try and get a bank overdraft.
14:08Listen, I'll pop into the bank in my lunchtime, OK?
14:13Oh, morning.
14:14Oh, yeah, about the rent.
14:15Oh, I'm sorry, boss.
14:16See you later. Bye.
14:20Of course, it could be an imbrication.
14:28Do sit down.
14:29An overdraft, you say, Mr...
14:36Trip.
14:37Our trip.
14:38Robin Tripp, two peas.
14:42Jenkins, could you fetch me Mr Tripp's file?
14:45Our trip.
14:46Two peas.
14:48I must say, I think your bank commercials on the cinema,
14:51you know, the funniest of the lot.
14:52I laugh every time I see them.
14:54Yes, how much exactly?
14:55Quite a lot.
14:55Sometimes my ribs start aching with the pain.
14:57Money, Mr Tripp.
15:00Money, yes.
15:02Well, 80 quid, 80 pounds.
15:07You're probably aware that we normally require some form of security.
15:11What, you mean life insurance policies, stocks and shares, property deeds?
15:15Yes, yes, that sounds more than adequate.
15:17Haven't got any.
15:17Well, perhaps you could give me some idea for what the money's to be used for.
15:25Yes, well, I'm living with these two girls.
15:28Yes, well, that would be expensive.
15:31Come in.
15:34I'm afraid I can't find any trace of Mr Tripp's file, sir.
15:38Really, Jenkins, our customers are entitled to expect a little more efficiency than this.
15:43Perhaps I...
15:43Will you go and look again, thoroughly?
15:46I'm sorry, Mr Tripp, I can't think how this happened.
15:49Maybe it's because I haven't got an account here.
15:50Yes.
15:57Well, I apologise, Jenkins.
16:00Hmm.
16:02Perhaps I should have mentioned this earlier.
16:04No, no, it's my fault.
16:06It hadn't occurred to me that you'd be asking for an overdraft on an account you hadn't got.
16:12It's a loan, really, isn't it?
16:14I mean, I could open an account, couldn't I?
16:16Yes, you could.
16:17For a minimum deposit of one pound.
16:19Oh, well, I've got two pounds.
16:22Two pounds?
16:25In, uh, hatements.
16:35He didn't have much luck either.
16:36Asked my boss for a sub, he turned his hearing aid off.
16:39He's a drag.
16:41He chases you round the desk and then he doesn't know what to do when he catches you.
16:44Listen, I've just had a thought.
16:46We mustn't despair.
16:48Yes?
16:48What is it?
16:50Well, that's it.
16:51We mustn't despair.
16:52Oh, Lord.
16:53Well, I mean, come on, between the three of us, we've nearly got four quid.
16:56What use is four pounds?
16:58We need 80.
16:5920 to one.
17:00Rank outsider.
17:02I've got it straight from the stable board.
17:04Carl Luzi said 20 to one.
17:05What, is that a horse, Jim?
17:06Yeah, tea biscuit, 20 to one, rank outsider.
17:10Which race?
17:11Haydok Park, 2.15.
17:13Haydok.
17:14Rompt home, four lengths.
17:18Rompt?
17:19Yeah, won myself a nice little packet.
17:21Quite a few quid.
17:22Jim, Jim, I was wondering actually if you could, you know, give me a small loan.
17:27How much?
17:2980.
17:30Well, since it's you, here, I'll tell you what.
17:36Take a quid.
17:38Oh, no.
17:39Don't bother about the change.
17:40No, no, no, that's not what I meant, Jim.
17:41Yeah, but you said you wanted to borrow some...
17:42No, no, oh, never mind, it doesn't matter.
17:45Evening, Jim.
17:46Evening.
17:47Yeah, I'll have two large gin and tonics, please.
17:49Oh, and a packet of bacon-flavoured crisps, please.
17:53Good evening, Mr. Triff.
17:55Mark a drink.
17:56Evening.
17:57Oh, I'm sorry, about the rent.
17:59Ah, yes, well, I was going to, to, uh, sorry, the shop.
18:04Sorry.
18:04Hello.
18:05Goodbye.
18:05Goodbye.
18:06Hi.
18:06Perhaps it's just you, George.
18:13Oh, dear.
18:16Get your elbow out of the ashtray.
18:19New suit, is it?
18:20Oh, yeah.
18:21Oh, thanks to you.
18:23Yeah, you had a quid each way on tea biscuit.
18:25Oh.
18:25George, I think you owe Jim a drink.
18:28What?
18:29Oh, yes, all right.
18:30Ah.
18:32Have half a pint on me.
18:34Oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:36I'm fed up having to run every time we see the ropers.
18:42Oh, there him are, the trousers.
18:44Oh, we should have put it back on the end of the string.
18:46Listen, that's the first place a burglar looks.
18:48Never mind.
18:48I put one here.
18:51Chrissie, and that's the second place.
18:56You know, honestly, our best chance is to leave the door wide open and hope they think it's a trap.
18:59Well, I've been trying to put it off, but I've decided the only thing to do is phone my parents, try and borrow the 80 quid.
19:04Oh, no, we can't let you do that, Chrissie.
19:06I mean, after all, it is our responsibility as well.
19:08She knows what she's doing.
19:09You're right.
19:10Listen, try and screw them for 100.
19:11We can have a night out.
19:11I'm not sure I'll even be able to...
19:14Hello?
19:15Oh, hello, Mother.
19:16How are you all?
19:17Yeah.
19:19Yes, I know I haven't phoned you for ages, but...
19:23No.
19:24No, of course I don't want to borrow any money.
19:27Not much.
19:28You know that young policeman who was looking at me?
19:33What, you mean the one with the Randy whistle chain?
19:35Yeah.
19:37Well, it wasn't lust.
19:39It was suspicion.
19:40No, no.
19:41Well, I mean, as far as they're concerned, you know, it could have been one of us who took the money.
19:44Ridiculous.
19:44Yeah.
19:46I suppose.
19:48What do you mean?
19:49Well, I mean, you know, one of us by accident most probably sort of could have put the money away,
19:53he did it away, you know, and then, you know, by accident sort of forgot all about it.
19:57Do you think it was me?
19:58Of course not.
20:00Do you think it was Chrissie?
20:01Good Lord, no.
20:04Well, you think it was you?
20:05No.
20:07No, no, no, no.
20:08I mean, I don't trust any of us, you know, so...
20:09But I am not going to allow the fact that I didn't do it to prejudice myself.
20:13Oh, what a tale of love.
20:14The roof needs repairing, Dad's down with his back and the wheels come off the tractor.
20:18Oh, so you couldn't borrow any money?
20:20I promise to send them a fiver a week as soon as I'm straight.
20:24Robin has a new theory.
20:25He thinks it might be an inside job.
20:27No, no, no, I didn't say that.
20:29Oh, I see what you mean, though.
20:31Roper.
20:32Roper?
20:32No, I mean, I know he's a bit of a pain, you know, but he's hardly...
20:35He was wearing a new suit.
20:39And he bought a large gin.
20:40Yeah, but he's hardly...
20:41No, two.
20:42Two large gins.
20:43Do you think it could have been Roper?
20:44I do if you do.
20:46And I do if you do.
20:47It's Roper.
20:48Right.
20:49Ah, at last.
20:50Now, listen, about the rent money.
20:52Excuse me, Chrissie.
20:53I apologise, Mr Roper, if I'm wrong, but I think you took it.
20:57Yes.
20:57Obviously, we can't prove it.
20:59What?
21:00That's what I've been trying to tell you when I came to Men's Attack yesterday.
21:03Oh, why didn't you sign the rent book?
21:04Well, I did sign the rent book.
21:06Um, nice cup of tea, Mr Roper.
21:17Sit down.
21:17That'd be very nice.
21:20There is just one other thing.
21:23What about this month's rent?
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26APPLAUSE
21:27MUSIC PLAYS
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