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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S03E04 - Yesterday Never Comes
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:28Why do only fours and horses work
00:32La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:36La la la la
00:37La la la la la
00:39Right, come on, come on, let's have it on
00:41Get it done
00:42Get it in here, that's it
00:44Right, come on, careful, careful, big
00:46Come on, Dave, it's all right
00:48Come on there
00:50Mind your own here, Grandad
00:53Come on, that's it
00:55Put your hand down there, Grandad, that's right
00:57Now your hand, Rodney
00:58Oi, Gordon Bennett, Rodney
01:01What is your game?
01:02This could be a deluxe Chippendale
01:04And you're treating it like something we're dragging out for the bonfire
01:06Best place for it
01:08You don't know, this could be a Queen Anne cabinet, can't it?
01:13I'll give over, Dale
01:14Don't look very old to me
01:16No, that is because when you were a lad, this was probably G-Plan
01:20But to anyone born after the Napoleonic Wars, this is antique
01:27Anyway, I'm going to put an ad in the paper in the morning
01:29Don't know what to charge for it, though
01:30What do you reckon, what, 95?
01:33Why don't you go to the old log and make it a pound?
01:35You're starting to annoy me
01:39Eh?
01:41It's got woodworm
01:42Eh, that has not got woodworm
01:44What's all them little holes, then?
01:46Well, I don't know, maybe Queen Anne played darts
01:48Where's these lits?
01:52I'll tell you what
01:52I'll tell you what, I'm considering lits in the British Museum
01:55Take a look at it
01:56Yeah?
01:56Mm-hmm
01:57I'd let Rent-A-Kill have a go first
01:58You don't know nothing about antiques, you do ya?
02:03I mean, you know, dealers
02:04They often put holes in little items like these
02:06To give it that sort of distressed look
02:08Distressed?
02:09Eh
02:09Yeah, well, this thing looks panic-stricken
02:11Where are these rotten lits?
02:16Oh, if those kids have jammed them again
02:18I've got to clump their ear off
02:20Oh, I don't believe it, I don't believe it
02:26Oh, oh, now, come on, Dale
02:27It was a complete accident
02:29Look, it just come off in his head
02:31You lying, I'll get you, Richard
02:34Oh, now, come along, Grandpa
02:35We'll tell the truth for once
02:37I just don't believe this
02:39This thing has survived the Spanish Armada
02:41The Black Death and the Blitz
02:43And then you two cack-handed sods come along
02:45And in five minutes
02:47You've destroyed a piece of our national heritage
02:50Oh, I don't
02:50Morning, Mr. Trotter
02:52Morning, Mrs. Murphy
02:53Morning, Mrs. Murphy
02:54Look, you could
02:55That was the lift, wasn't it?
02:58That was the lift
02:58Now, what am I going to do about that thing, eh?
03:04I mean, you can't bodge about with this sort of quality
03:06I mean, you're going to take the skills of a fully trained furniture restorer
03:11Oh, they ain't half-dearty, old boy
03:13Are they?
03:15Here, Rodney
03:15Whip down to the DIY shop and get a bag of nails, will you?
03:22Here, here, here
03:23Queen Anne Cabinet
03:25Genuine antique
03:27Good as new
03:28Lovely condition throughout
03:31A snip at 145 pounds
03:36You could make the Elgin marble sound like a second-hand Datsun, couldn't you?
03:41Whip, how much of this stuff did you sell today?
03:44What, do you mean in pounds, sterling, or number of items?
03:46Either
03:47None
03:47None?
03:48You ain't interested, Dale
03:50Gordon Bennett, Rodney
03:52I pick a prime site in the Arndale Centre
03:54And you can't even get shot of a pair of pop socks
03:56You want to grow up a bit, my son
03:58I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate Elgin of yours
04:02What?
04:04What are you doing tomorrow, Rodney?
04:06You and Mickey Pierce playing five stones
04:08You want to pull your socks up, you do, you know
04:11Dale, these things look like living bras that ain't been well
04:16All right, all right, hang about
04:19Don't knock the battery out
04:21Good evening
04:25Miranda Davenport
04:29Eh?
04:32Miranda Davenport
04:34Ah, yeah, I think I know what this is all about
04:37Now, if it was your Mercedes that I backed into the other day, I can assure you
04:40No, no, no
04:41You obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here
04:44I telephoned earlier
04:45About your newspaper ad for the Queen Anne Cabinet
04:48Oh, gotcha
04:49Well, I left a message with an elderly gentleman
04:51He did sound somewhat vague
04:53Oh, yes, yes, well, he is rather vague
04:55He had a bang on the edge, you see
04:57Soon
05:00Do come in, Miss Davenport
05:03There you go
05:04Oh, may I call you Miranda?
05:07Well, yes, I suppose so
05:08Do you know that Miranda is my most favourite name?
05:10Really?
05:11Yeah
05:11My name is Del
05:12It's short for Derek
05:13And you do
05:15Well, please, go into the sitting room, will you?
05:17There you go
05:17Oi, Grandad
05:19No
05:19Grandad, did somebody call earlier about the Cabinet?
05:29Oh, yes, she's coming round this evening
05:31Some posh tart
05:33Some posh tart
05:36He's a card, isn't he?
05:38Yes
05:38Isn't he just?
05:40Yes
05:40Rodney, come on, clear this
05:41Come on
05:42Put your own work away, will you, Rodney?
05:44Come on
05:44Right
05:47Here
05:51Well, what do you think?
05:56Very nice
05:56Uh, where is the Queen Anne Cabinet?
06:00Now, this, this is it
06:01This is the Queen Anne Cabinet?
06:04Oh, yeah, this is definitely Queen Anne
06:06It's been given the once-over by experts
06:08Uh, do you know anything about antiques, Miranda?
06:12Yes, I run my own antique shop in Chelsea
06:14Well, it might not be Queen Anne
06:20It isn't
06:22It's Queen Elizabeth
06:23Succa, 1955
06:24If you look inside, you'll see beneath the dust and cobwebs some faded lettering
06:29Right, please
06:32What happened?
06:33You looked at
06:34Well, F, F, Y
06:35F, F, thank you, yes, Rodney
06:38E, S
06:39F, F, F
06:40Fives
06:41Fives
06:42Didn't they used to make bananas?
06:47That is correct
06:48So, so what does that indicate, then?
06:51It indicates banana boxes, of course
06:53I mean, those antique banana boxes
06:56It's all right, all right
06:58Thank you very much, Grandad
06:58Why don't you go to your bedroom and watch the Chinese detective on the portable?
07:02Go on
07:02Oh, I know where I'm not wanted
07:04Well, go on, then
07:05He never, never quite got over Suey's
07:10Well, are you interested in it, Miranda?
07:14No, I'm afraid not, Mr Trotter
07:16Oh, well, what do you think we should do with it, then?
07:20Well, I'm not sure
07:21Is there a tip near here?
07:24No, it must be a Wally somewhere, wouldn't I buy it?
07:27Yeah, let's face it, Del, you bought it last week
07:29I say, that's rather pretty, isn't it?
07:33That?
07:34Cool, you must be joking
07:36Gives me itchy fever every time I look at it
07:38No, I think it's rather sweet
07:40Is it for sale?
07:41Oh, sorry, no, definitely not
07:43No, that, you see, is a family heirloom
07:45It belonged to my late departed grandmother
07:47We couldn't possibly sell it
07:48Could be Rodney?
07:49No, no, no one, no
07:52Is it valuable, then?
07:53Oh, no, no, it's worthless
07:55I just rather like it, that's all
07:57You see, I'm redecorating my London flat
08:00And I'm just on the lookout for little pieces like that
08:03Still, never mind
08:04Do you know I'm really rather in two minds about this cabinet now?
08:11Well, you think this might have some potential, do you, Miranda?
08:13Well, I'm not really sure
08:14But you see, what's persuading me
08:17Is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing
08:20Oh, yes, petit suisse
08:23Right
08:24Whereas I'm just a woman
08:26Trying to make her way in the big, wide world
08:29Oh, yes, it's dog-eat-dog in the antique game, Miranda
08:32I know
08:33Derek
08:34You almost probably say no
08:37But I was wondering whether you and I could go into this together
08:41How do you mean, Miranda?
08:44Well, I was thinking
08:45We could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop
08:48I have a very good man working there
08:50Who could possibly restore this to its former glory
08:53We'll repolish the top
08:55Varnish out the lettering, some new brass handles
08:58And then we could put it in the shop and share the profit
09:01What do you think?
09:03I think that sounds just the ticket, Miranda
09:06Mind you, I'd have to have a word with my partner
09:08Oh, mate
09:11Yes, you
09:11Will you excuse us while we confer?
09:18Rodney, would you join me?
09:20I'd like to have a word with you in the office
09:22To confer, yes
09:24Excuse us
09:24There you go
09:27Thank you
09:28Thank you
09:30We'll be back in a couple of shakes
09:31All right
09:32Well, if you want my opinion, though
09:36I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight
09:39That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up
09:42And sold for a ridiculously high profit
09:44End of discussion
09:45Good
09:47Good
09:48Well, there's nothing like talking things out, is there?
09:51If you wasn't interested in my opinion
09:53What'd you drag me in here for?
09:54Because I wanted your advice, Rodney
09:56I think she fancies me
10:00Miranda?
10:02Yeah
10:02Leave it out there
10:03She's an intelligent woman
10:05I know she's an intelligent woman
10:09That is most probably why she fancies me
10:11True, true
10:13Yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you
10:15Yeah?
10:17How?
10:18What?
10:19How, you know
10:20How did she look at me?
10:23Well, sort of, um
10:26Like that?
10:32It's like she had a hot chip in her mouth
10:34Yeah, well, I can't do a face like hers
10:38No, no, I suppose not
10:39No, I suppose not
10:40Am I going to tell her that, you know
10:42The feeling is mutual?
10:44Well, you just tell her
10:45Well, I don't know
10:46How?
10:47I don't know, do I?
10:48You do
10:49You're the one with the GCEs
10:50Look
10:51You just be yourself
10:53Oh, leave it out, Rodney
10:54I want to be in with at least half a chance
10:56Bill, for once in your life
10:59Be you, right?
11:00And you won't need none of them
11:01Soppy French phrases, neither
11:03What do you mean, soppy French phrases?
11:05La bonne vie, you stupid
11:06See what I mean?
11:08Oh
11:08Del, you can't speak French
11:10You're still struggling with English
11:11What is it with you, Rodney?
11:14Do you like hospital food or something?
11:17Just being honest with you
11:18Let's face it, Del
11:19Most of your French phrases come straight out of a Citroen manual, don't they?
11:23Well, a lot of people are impressed by things like that
11:26Yeah, maybe the caveman down at the Nag's Head
11:29But it's not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus' youngest in there, is it?
11:34That's your right
11:35Del, if you're really that interested
11:40Why don't you just give her a sign of your mutual attraction?
11:44Yeah, a sign, eh?
11:46Yeah
11:46And be yourself
11:48Yeah
11:49Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah
11:50That's it
11:51Well, that is it, Miranda
11:57I have discussed the matter with my partner
12:00And we both agree that we shall accede to your delusions
12:03What?
12:06You take that thing with you and get it tighted up
12:08Oh, good
12:09Well, I'll telephone you in the morning and arrange for it to be collected
12:13Yes, thank you
12:14Fancy a curry?
12:28Why not?
12:29My old gutting off playing me up this morning, wasn't it?
12:50Yeah, I know
12:51Got a touch of the old Gandhi's revenge, brother
12:57What, from the ruby last night?
13:00Yeah
13:00Did Miranda enjoy it?
13:03Yeah
13:03She had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka
13:06Mind you, it was a bit rubbery
13:08She was chewing on one bit for about half an hour
13:10Thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it anyway
13:13She's quite a sort though, isn't she, Roddy, young?
13:18Yeah, she's alright
13:19What do you mean, alright?
13:21Alright, you wouldn't say no, would you?
13:23Eh?
13:23Yeah
13:24Oh, she's
13:25It's quite taken with me, I know, you know
13:27No, she is
13:28She's very impressed
13:30Well, she knows I know a lot about antiques, doesn't she, eh?
13:33Oh, yeah
13:34Yeah
13:35Well, you've been out with enough, haven't you?
13:37Oi, that is enough of that
13:39Anyway, listen
13:41I went up her shop this morning up Chelsea
13:43Real pucker establishment, Rodney
13:46I mean, you know, real pucker
13:48Sort of place royals go
13:50No
13:51I think something really good's going to come out of this, bro
13:53Do us a favour, Del
13:55Look, don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh?
14:01I mean, her type doesn't give a monkey's for the likes of you
14:03What do you mean by that?
14:07I mean, I've seen it all before
14:10You meet someone, you take a fancy turn
14:12Within a week, it's all wine and roses
14:14And I'm just popping down to Bravington's, Rodney
14:17What do you think I am?
14:20Some sort of whelk or something
14:21Still wet behind the ears
14:22I know exactly what I'm doing
14:24Oh, nice one, Derek
14:30Nice one, my son
14:31I must admit, there is a certain chemistry between me and Miranda
14:37I'm just going to pop next door and get a Dorton's weekly, all right?
14:54I'm just going to pop next door and get to the next door
15:24Fancy an Indian?
15:42Fitchist
15:43Right, you fit then, Rodders?
15:47Eh, yeah, yeah, fit
15:49You've got a nasty rash coming up on your boat race
15:52Oh, yeah, yeah, that's, um
15:56That's just what I call the sun, you know
15:58If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that someone had smacked you right in the eye
16:03Yeah, but don't go home with that, ain't we?
16:05What do you mean?
16:06You're a touchy little git sometimes, you, aren't you?
16:12Yes, here we are
16:12That's it
16:13Do come in
16:15There we are
16:16I'll get the door
16:17That's right
16:18Oh, allow me
16:21Thank you
16:22There you are, Miranda
16:23Thank you
16:25Uh, sit yourself down on the chaise lounge
16:28And I'll, uh, fix us a drink
16:31Now, uh...
16:33What can I get you?
16:39Port and lemon or rum and coke
16:40Or shall I surprise you?
16:42Why don't you surprise me?
16:43Right you are
16:44Here we go
16:46It was a blinding meal, wasn't it, Miranda, eh?
16:51Yes, it was very nice
16:52I did feel a bit overdressed for a Bernie in, though
16:56No, I don't think so
16:59I think we made quite an impression
17:01I mean, everybody was looking at us
17:02Yes
17:03Take a sip of that, man
17:12Uh, what is it?
17:14That is called a tequila sunset
17:16Cheers
17:18It tastes of gin
17:23Yeah, I run out of tequila
17:24Well, it's very nice
17:27Mm
17:27Yeah, isn't it?
17:29Um, I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman
17:33Have you been to Mexico?
17:35No, no, he lives in a flat upstairs
17:37Miranda
17:42I, uh...
17:45Well, I've been thinking about us
17:47And I...
17:49Oh, yes, sorry about that
17:51It's, uh...
17:53Belongs to Rodney
17:54It's into still life
17:56He's got his GCE in art, you know
17:58Really?
17:59Oh, yeah
18:00He'll most probably be famous when he's dead
18:02Uh, as I was saying
18:04I've been, uh, thinking about you and me
18:07Do you like art?
18:08Oh, yeah, it's terrific
18:09I can't get enough of it
18:10You see, the thing is that I was thinking
18:12This is very strong
18:13Mm?
18:14Yeah
18:14Do you like Cezanne?
18:16Oh, yeah, a bit of ice and lemonade
18:18It's lovely
18:18So you and I have got...
18:23Well, you know, we've got a lot in common, haven't we?
18:26I mean, you know, we're both...
18:28Well, English
18:29I do love that painting
18:32Mm, yeah, it's terrific, innit?
18:33Your grandmother must have had very good taste
18:35No, she couldn't have had much
18:37She married my grandfather
18:38Do you like that painting, dear?
18:41What the heck?
18:41No, I hate it
18:42Can't wait to get rid of it
18:44Oh, don't ever throw it away, please
18:46It would look so nice in my flat
18:48I'd hang it just above my bed
18:51Well, just try to picture it
18:53Oh, you can't, I've just remembered
18:56You haven't seen my bedroom
18:58Yet
18:59No, I haven't seen your bedroom
19:07Yet
19:09You were saying?
19:13What?
19:14You were talking about us
19:16Oh, yes
19:16Yeah, yeah, well, I was going to say
19:19What I was thinking about
19:20Was that I thought that, you know, maybe later
19:21Or sort of, you know, not now
19:23If you like, in the future
19:24At some time
19:25And it sort of felt like it
19:27If you did
19:27That we could sort of
19:29Work closer together
19:32I've been thinking exactly the same thing
19:35Have you?
19:38Ever since I first met you
19:41Oh, no, ain't that
19:43Drink up, I'll get you another tequila sunset
19:47No, really, I've had quite enough
19:50Yeah, all right
19:52Shall I put my Richard Claydom and LP on?
20:03Oh, no, I must be going
20:05I have to be up early in the morning
20:06Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing
20:09To wish me happy returns
20:10Oh
20:10You know what parents are like
20:12No, I haven't had any for ages
20:14Sorry, did you say it was your birthday?
20:17Yes, surely, I told you
20:20I, oh, yes
20:22Oh, you haven't bought me a present
20:24What?
20:25Oh, you really shouldn't have
20:27Well
20:27It's very sweet of you, though
20:30Thank you
20:31Sorry, Gran
20:51Good morning, Brothers
21:01Good morning, Grandfather
21:02Gosh, a beautiful day out, ain't it, eh?
21:04Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it?
21:06Yes, terrific
21:07Who are you off to, then, Dale?
21:09I'm just going up to Miranda's shop
21:11Just to see the cabinet
21:14What time's visiting us, then, Dale?
21:16There's nothing wrong with their cabinet, Rodney
21:19I keep on telling you
21:20It's a very nice cabinet
21:22Yes, it is
21:23I mean, a million woodworms can't be wrong, can they?
21:26I've told you before, Rodney
21:28There are no woodworms in that cabinet
21:30Whose birthday is it, then, Dale?
21:33Mine, if I'm playing my cards right
21:35Happy birthday, sweetheart
21:37From your ever-loving Deli Welly
21:40Belly-wolly, more like
21:46All right, all right
21:49Put that down
21:50And let's not have so much of it, shall we?
21:52Oh, it's Miranda's birthday, Rodney
21:54And we forgot
21:55Oh, no
21:56What a choker
21:58Still, never mind
21:59What'd you get her for her birthday, Del?
22:02Hey, well, nothing much
22:03What's happened to your gran's painting?
22:06Ah, well
22:09I told you the sun had paid it, didn't I?
22:12Sub my arse
22:13That's hard, ain't she?
22:18Well, she's not going to raffle it, is she?
22:20She's only hanging it on her bedroom wall
22:21Your gran brought that painting into this house, Del
22:24There was an history behind it, and you knew it
22:27You stole your own grandmother's painting?
22:29I didn't steal the painting
22:31Gran left that painting to me
22:33Don't give me that old mother-hubbered
22:35She did
22:36One night when she wasn't feeling too well
22:38She said to me
22:38She said, Del, when I go, that painting is yours
22:40I don't remember it
22:42No, well, you were out
22:43Well, that's handy, isn't it?
22:44No witnesses
22:45There were witnesses
22:46There was Mum and Rodney
22:47Mum ain't here anymore
22:50I know that
22:51But Rodney is
22:52You remember, don't you, Rodney?
22:53Well, I can't say I don't, Del
22:54But you must remember
22:55You were there
22:56Over there in the corner with Mum
22:57Having your nappy change
22:59And where's nappy change?
23:02You could only have been about four
23:04Exactly, how'd he hold you
23:05It's four?
23:08I never thought I'd love to see the day
23:10When you, you of all people
23:12Let the family down
23:13I'm going to my room
23:15Yeah, come here, Dad, Grandad
23:17Come on
23:19There you are, look
23:20Have a ten, all right?
23:21Come on
23:22Come on
23:23She's got you tied up like a turkey, hasn't she?
23:34You've changed since you met her, Del
23:35You've got more rooter than Pinocchio
23:38Just stay out of my life, will you?
23:41Yeah, I'll stay out of your life
23:42In fact, I think I can quite safely say
23:45That me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again
23:47Just hope Miranda suffers with a fever
23:51Rodney
23:54What?
23:56Don't be a plonker
23:57Did he leave that tenner?
24:04Oh, yeah
24:15Oh, yeah
24:16Oh, yeah
24:17Oh, yeah
24:31Oh, yeah
24:32Hello, Harry. It's Miranda about.
24:44No, she's popped out to Adelston still.
24:46It's just down the road there on your left.
24:47Oh, well, I'll pop down and see her.
24:49Here, how comes you ain't open?
24:50We had to close, mate.
24:52We're being fumigated. The place is full of woodwork.
24:55You wouldn't watch that, eh?
24:56Especially with your wooden leg.
25:022,200, 2,500, 2,007, 3,000.
25:17The bid is with Gideon's galleries.
25:203,002, 3,004, 3,005.
25:29The bid is with Gideon's.
25:323,006, 3,005.
25:383,008 with Miss Davenport.
25:443,800 pounds to Miss Davenport.
25:472,900, 3,800, 3,000,000.
25:58Derek.
25:58Yeah?
25:59What are you doing here?
26:01I just thought I'd pop up and take you out for lunch.
26:03You know, sort of a birthday treat.
26:05Birthday?
26:05Yeah.
26:06oh yes how sweet it is for you they're daffodils yeah yeah used to be my mum's
26:15favorite oh really oh well thank you look I'm rather busy at the moment um why
26:23don't you wait for me at that little wine bar around the corner yeah yeah
26:27all right we belong how should I know look take these with you as well please
26:33yeah yeah oh not 24 is this recently discovered work by the late 19th
26:41century artist Joshua Blythe now it's a particularly fine example of his work do I
26:50have 7,000 7,000 8,000 you lied to me didn't you nobody's perfect it's not your
27:02birthday at all is it well it will be soon
27:06well all you wanted me for was that painting wasn't it what else do you think
27:10I was interested in that banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet damn things infested my
27:15entire stock
27:18you know maybe there was something else oh you
27:27did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom called me
27:32sweetheart and assaulted my digestive system with third-rate curries
27:36yeah you must be a fool
27:41Miranda you should have told me that you wanted to sell that painting
27:47that'd be ridiculous I'm in business I realized how valuable it was the moment I saw it why should I tell you
27:52no Miranda you don't understand I think you're the one who's confused Eric and let's get one thing absolutely clear that painting is now mine it's been legally registered in my name
28:03mommy and daddy have even signed enough david to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations
28:10seventeen five thank god for that I've been trying to get shot at that painting for years
28:17what do you mean I know exactly what that painting is and I know exactly how much it's worth rubbish I could someone like you possibly know that I'll tell you how I know shall I
28:27cause my old gran used to be a char lady to an art dealer that's how I know
28:32oh I see and this mrs mop examined it did she no she didn't examine it she nicked it
28:39seventeen thousand six hundred pounds
28:44good luck sweetheart
28:46we've got some off-price practice
29:00a little bit of a type of time
29:02it's not even a great reason
29:03baby bonnie old food
29:04who you think go change
29:05worst names
29:06and ever push
29:07and try to find your tracksuits
29:08from a bush
29:09and shepherd's bush
29:10bush
29:11bush
29:12bush
29:13bush
29:14bush
29:15no income tax
29:16no VAT
29:17no money back
29:18no guarantee
29:19black or white
29:21rich or poor
29:23a wealth cut prices
29:24and a straw
29:27God bless Hookie Street
29:29Viva Hookie Street
29:32Long live Hookie Street
29:35Say my defeat Hookie Street
29:39My defeat Hookie Street
29:42Hookie Street
29:45Hookie Street
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