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Tv, 'Allo 'Allo - S5E03
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00:00In case you are wondering what is happening, I will tell you.
00:26The British, not content with running away and leaving us flat at Dunkirk, have now sent the RAF to Bombers.
00:33If only they knew that I have in my pocket a potato containing a camera, containing a picture of a safe,
00:38containing the plans for the German invasion of England, they would probably try not to eat me.
00:47Unfortunately, they do not know this.
00:50Perhaps I should try to signal them with my torch.
00:52Put out that lit or you will be shat on the spit.
01:00Mr Crabtree, can you not explain to your English friends that we are on their side?
01:05If I am killed, it will be the end of the resistance in this part of France.
01:09Well, certainly in this doorway.
01:10You should be grateful that the RAF Bombers are still farting for freedom.
01:16Hello?
01:31Hello?
01:34Get me Colonel Von Strom immediately.
01:35I'm on my balcony with my binoculars, directing the anti-aircraft fire.
01:54I am on the roof of the chateau, manning a machine gun.
02:03Be careful, General. We can't afford to lose you.
02:05I am very aware of this.
02:10Colonel, what are you doing hiding under the table?
02:14Mr General!
02:16What a mistake of the maker.
02:18Did I hear hiding under the table?
02:22No.
02:23You heard I'm fighting until I'm disabled.
02:33I say, Cast Hairs.
02:35That plane in the searchlight, he eats a Wellington, isn't it?
02:39Yes.
02:40It's probably old Ginger Metcalf.
02:43Well done, Ginger!
02:45Dash on!
02:46Doesn't it make you want to be up there?
02:50No, not really.
02:59You have been here 24 hours and have replied to none of my questions.
03:04This is because I do not know the answers, Herr Flick.
03:07They all say that.
03:09I will try more extreme methods.
03:12Von Smallhausen, connect the electricity.
03:14Yes, Herr Flick.
03:16This fan revolves at exactly the speed of the alpha rhythms of the brain,
03:27causing a hypnotic effect.
03:29You will not be able to resist answering truthfully all my questions.
03:32Now, what is your real name?
03:42Bobby Cedric von Smallhausen.
03:43Get out!
03:44I will repeat the question.
03:57What is your name, Helga?
03:58I think you should know, Herr Flick, that this device has no effect on me, whatever.
04:07Japanese rubbish.
04:08I must warn you, Helga, things will go badly for you if you do not assist me by finding out every detail of the plot blow-up Hitler.
04:18Just tell me what to do, Herr Flick.
04:20Just tell me what to do, Herr Flick.
04:21You know I can't resist you when you fix me with your penetrating gaze from your pale blue eyes,
04:27magnified to the size of poached eggs behind your arms.
04:30You must get close to the general.
04:34This I was about to do before you dragged me away.
04:37I was temporarily consumed with jealousy, but I have now controlled it.
04:42Except for a regular twitching in my left buttock.
04:46You may kiss me.
04:49It was a most exciting 24 hours.
05:00Monsieur Alphonse?
05:02Monsieur Alphonse, where are you?
05:05I am here.
05:07Oh, you startled me.
05:10This is the entrance to my secret chamber, where I conceal my fluids and developing equipment.
05:16After you.
05:19I love you, I love you.
05:26Monsieur Alphonse, there is no time for that.
05:29You have the film?
05:30It is here.
05:34You will find a picture of the safe, which contains the German plan for the invasion of England.
05:39Allow me, madame.
05:42First, I put on the red light so I do not fog the film.
05:47Pardon?
05:48Fog the film.
05:49I take the film.
05:54Pardon?
05:57I immerse it in the tank.
05:59How long will it take?
06:01Time enough, madame, for me to tell you of my consuming passion for you and of my earnest desire to possess your pliant body.
06:09Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, what can I say?
06:11What can I say?
06:12I'm struck down.
06:13I cannot move.
06:16Coat shivers are creeping at my arm.
06:18You've got your hand in the fixing fluid.
06:19Let me wipe it for you.
06:20Oh, please marry me, madame Edith.
06:31I am a man of substance.
06:33I have my mortuary.
06:34I have a butcher shop.
06:36I have the head lease of the barbers and 5,000 shares in Volkswagen.
06:41So, whichever way the war goes, you will be provided for.
06:47Oh, but I am promised to René.
06:49Madame, I know one Frenchman is not supposed to snitch on another Frenchman, but I must tell you, I caught Monsieur René in the arms of one of your serving girls.
07:01Yes, I do not believe it.
07:02It's true.
07:03It's true, madame.
07:06She was panting and rising with ecstasy.
07:09I will confront him with this.
07:11And then as I get a satisfactory explanation, I am yours.
07:15Oh, madame.
07:22The very prospect has brought up my dicky ticker.
07:26I think if I am to be yours, we should have a quick wedding and a short honeymoon.
07:31I have been with Herflick.
07:34I have news which concerns all three of us.
07:38Tell us, Hilda.
07:45Herflick suspects that you, Lieutenant Gruber and the General, are plotting to blow up Zafiura when he comes to attend his birthday party at the Chateau.
07:54Utter nonsense.
07:56We are not involved in any such plot.
07:58Such a thing is completely against my nature.
08:00What about the General?
08:02One never knows the Generals.
08:04They all come from such good families that it would be up to anything.
08:07I was under the impression that Hitler was unable to attend.
08:11That could be a cover, Hubert.
08:13All his movements are secret.
08:16You must keep an eye on the General.
08:17Herflick has already instructed me to do this.
08:20Report everything to us.
08:21Oh, thank you, Monsieur Alphonse.
08:43Yes, that was a lovely ride.
08:45But now, you must come inside and we will confront René with the information about his infidelity which you have given me.
08:50Alas, madame, I cannot.
08:52There is no one to hold my horse and I have a dicky ticker.
08:55And your husband is much bigger than I am.
08:58Please drive on, then.
09:00Because if my mother sees you, it will upset her.
09:02It is.
09:03It is.
09:05Tell him to go away.
09:07What did I say?
09:09Go back to bed, Mama.
09:11He has not called for you.
09:13Spoundrel.
09:14Always, he is playing for tread.
09:23I am not yet ready to go.
09:28Madame.
09:30If you want me, you know where to find me.
09:34I give 24 hours service.
09:36I love you.
09:44René, I must talk to you.
09:58Did you develop the film?
09:59Before we talk about that, there is something I must know.
10:03Have you been kissing the servant girl behind my back, making a pant and rise in ecstasy?
10:09No.
10:11Oh, René, I knew I could trust you.
10:14Here is the picture.
10:16Good.
10:17We will show it to Monsieur Leclerc.
10:19Monsieur Leclerc.
10:21Monsieur Leclerc.
10:22Roy!
10:23What are you doing?
10:25I am tuning the piano to match with Madame Elis's voice.
10:31La, la.
10:34Try that.
10:36La, la, la, la.
10:37La, la, la.
10:39Yes, that is much better.
10:42Never mind about that.
10:43Come over here.
10:44Look at this.
10:47Oh, it is a safe.
10:52I knew it well.
10:55It is a Kaisenhoff Rosenblum Schwarzerger.
10:5916-lever multi-counter Mark III.
11:04Can you open it?
11:05With a key, yes.
11:06But you were the best-known safe-breaker in old France.
11:11Indeed, Madame, but that is because I was caught so often.
11:16Can you open it or not?
11:17Well, of course.
11:18But I shall need some plastic explosive.
11:21Plastic explosive?
11:22Yeah, it is a sort of putty substance that you press into the cracks.
11:27Now, I shall need four pounds of plastic explosive, five feet of fuse, detonator, matches, and a pound of milk chocolate.
11:40Why the chocolates?
11:43Because I have not tasted it for so long, Madame.
11:46Make sure that Michelle gives us the materials.
11:48Look, Edith, you deal with this.
11:50I have done my bit.
11:51I risked life and limb in the chateau and a lot more in Gruber's bedroom.
11:55It is your turn.
11:56How long will it take you to do this job?
11:59This job?
12:00Five years.
12:03Five years?
12:04Well, four minutes to blow the safe, the rest in the nick.
12:17Colonel, do you have any damage to report from the raid last night?
12:21Nothing of any consequence, General.
12:22Well, according to the Berlin radio, 43 British planes were shot down.
12:27My, my.
12:28I didn't know the British had that many left.
12:31Churchill is a wily old fox.
12:34Colonel, a private word in your ear.
12:42I find your secretary very attractive.
12:45Helga, an excellent example of German womanhood.
12:50Sexy whistle.
12:50We're here to dinner at my quarters tomorrow night.
12:53That'll be an order indeed, General.
12:55As soon as we start the soup course, you will complain of a serious stomachache and go home,
13:00leaving the field clear for me.
13:02Couldn't I wait until the pudding?
13:05Heil Hitler.
13:06Heil Hitler.
13:07Oh, and one more thing.
13:09Arrange some music.
13:11On the gramophone?
13:11No, real music.
13:13Romantic music.
13:15There must be some peasants who can play somewhere.
13:17Yes, General.
13:18Let it be done.
13:19Yes, General.
13:20Heil Hitler.
13:20Heil Hitler.
13:21Heil Hitler.
13:24It all seems wrong somehow.
13:28I'm nobody's sweetheart.
13:33Oh!
13:33I think you must be deaf.
13:46I wish I was.
13:50When I marry her and take over the cafe, she will not sing again.
13:54Until then, magnifico!
13:57Magnifico!
13:58The Italian captain, he likes me.
14:01Am I singing as well as ever?
14:03You have never sung better.
14:04Renny, we need the explosives for tomorrow night, and the resistance has not yet delivered them.
14:13I am getting very worried.
14:14I am getting very worried.
14:14I am not a bit worried.
14:16I am staying out of it.
14:17Sir Colonel wants more wine.
14:20There was your wine, Colonel.
14:27Did you enjoy your snails?
14:29One of them was empty.
14:31Well, he probably climbed out.
14:34I will go into the kitchen, see if he's hiding under the lettuce.
14:37Putty!
14:39Putty!
14:40Putty!
14:41Windows to me!
14:43Oh, my God.
14:44Buy your putty from a poor, weary old putty seller.
14:47Come over here by the bar, weary old putty seller.
14:49Show me your wares.
14:50Windows to me!
14:51Shut up!
14:52It is I, LeClaire.
14:53Why can you not use the back door?
14:54Because it says on the door, no tradesmen.
14:57I am not a putty seller.
14:58Really?
14:59This is the explosive to blow up the set.
15:00I will buy your putty.
15:01Putty!
15:02Putty!
15:03Putty!
15:04Putty!
15:05Putty!
15:06Putty!
15:07Putty!
15:08Putty!
15:09Putty!
15:10Putty!
15:11Putty!
15:12Putty!
15:13Putty!
15:14Putty!
15:15Putty!
15:16Putty!
15:17Putty!
15:18Putty!
15:19Putty!
15:20Putty!
15:21Putty!
15:22No, the window in my room is broken by R.E.F. Bomber.
15:26Before they were all shot down.
15:27No, I'm sorry.
15:28No, I'm sorry.
15:29You cannot buy this putty.
15:30This is sample putty.
15:31Look at this terrible workmanship.
15:36Oh!
15:37You make a lot of mistakes.
15:39Will you be on your way, putty seller?
15:41Please.
15:42René, Michel wishes to speak with us in the back room.
15:44Oh, heck.
15:45Here, go ahead.
15:48Mimi, just you look after the bar.
15:52Listen very carefully.
15:53Listen very carefully.
15:54I shall say this only once.
15:56Well, say it quickly.
15:57I have a cafe full of customers.
15:59This is my plan.
16:00For you to enter the room of Lieutenant Gruber to open the safe.
16:06Do not look at me.
16:07I am staying here.
16:08You are the only one who knows the position of the safe.
16:11I will draw you a map.
16:12We are all in this together.
16:14I am the one that Gruber fancies.
16:16We will not be there.
16:18We will drop a smoke canister down his chimney.
16:21This will cause him to vacate the room.
16:23You will smash the window and go in there with Monsieur Leclerc.
16:26Smith?
16:27His room is on the first floor.
16:29This is why I've stolen a fire engine and a ladder.
16:32You will be disguised as firemen.
16:36How are we supposed to see the safe through all that smoke?
16:39You will be wearing breathing masks.
16:49Good morning.
16:52I am sorry that I am lit, but I had to wick carefully down the street
16:56because I have five feet of fuse wound round my log
17:02and detonators dingling down my truthers.
17:07Madame Edis, you know the chateau well.
17:09Oh, yes. I work there as a serving girl.
17:11You will climb onto the roof and drop this smoke canister down the third chimney,
17:15counting from the west.
17:17I will hold the ladder for Renée.
17:19You will come on the roof with me.
17:22You will drop this canister down the chimney
17:24when the church clock strikes the first stroke of twelve.
17:27On the sixth bong, you, Renée, will smash the window
17:31and leap into the room.
17:33Is this clear?
17:38Windows to mend, get your pati, pati...
17:41Shut up.
17:43My husband will make sure that he is there.
17:46I have to report that I am to take dinner
17:48with General von Klinkhofen tonight.
17:50At the café?
17:51In his private quarters at the chateau.
17:54He has ordered the colonel to find peasants to provide the romantic music.
17:59I suspect he intends hanky-panky.
18:02Which I will, of course, resist.
18:05As long as I am able.
18:06You will take every opportunity to find evidence of the bomb plot.
18:13If necessary, by ferreting in the General's private drawers when his back is turned.
18:19Sounds a daunting prospect, Heflick.
18:21Meanwhile, I shall find a way of keeping you under observation.
18:25Yes, Heflick.
18:27And do not wear the perfume I gave you.
18:29No, Heflick.
18:30Just a little dab of disinfectant behind the ears.
18:39Quick!
18:40We have only seven minutes.
18:45Rene?
18:47Good luck.
18:48I will remain in the café.
18:50Madame Edith and Yvette will be already on the roof.
18:52He's not supposed to start until the first stroke of midnight.
19:07Another insurance job, eh?
19:09No.
19:14Where are the chimneys?
19:17Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:21Have you ever had an affair with my husband?
19:24Madame Edith, how could you think such a thing?
19:28Of course not.
19:30In that case, take my hand.
19:40Should not the musicians be here by now, Colonel?
19:43I put out the word that you required some.
19:46But you know how reluctant the French are to cooperate.
19:52Two musicians are here.
19:53Shall I tell them to wait?
19:55No, bring them up.
19:57A little surprise for you, my dear.
19:59It is indeed.
20:01I see you've nearly finished your soup.
20:04Oh, so I have.
20:05It was so tasty, I almost forgot.
20:17What is wrong?
20:19It's my answer.
20:24If you'll excuse me, I will go home at once.
20:27Of course, one must take care of such a thing.
20:29Here's your hat.
20:30Goodbye.
20:32Goodbye.
20:35How unfortunate, but at least it gives us a chance to get to know each other better.
20:40I feel most honored to be dining alone with such a distinguished general.
20:44This is quite natural.
20:45What a romantic sound.
20:57I will lower the lights and open the good champagne.
21:07Do you have any requests?
21:08You have gone too far.
21:11I do not know it, but hum it and we will follow.
21:18We have to put it down the third chimney, counting from the west.
21:22Where is the west?
21:24The sun sets in the west.
21:26Or is it the east?
21:27The east.
21:28There is no sun at midnight.
21:30Don't you ever confuse me.
21:32Huh?
21:34From this one there is coming music.
21:37The Gennigauber is musical.
21:39He plays the piano.
21:41It must be this one.
21:43Quick, light the fuse.
21:44Light the fuse.
21:55That was the first bung.
21:57You have five bungs to get up the ladder.
21:58You have to stop now.
22:00At his age he needs all the bungs he can get.
22:08Hello, is that Café René?
22:10Yes.
22:12This is Lieutenant Grober speaking.
22:14Is René there?
22:15I am afraid he has popped out for some moment or two.
22:18Oh.
22:20Well, when he returns, tell him I would be delighted to see him for a little nightcap in my quarters at the Chateau.
22:25What's going on?
22:29I wonder if he will accept my invitation.
22:43Really?
22:46How kind of you to drop in.
22:50There was no need for the disguise.
22:52The guards have permanent orders to let you in.
23:00And who is your little friend?
23:02It is I.
23:07The fire extinguisher sounds the alarm.
23:09My room is on fire.
23:10Send for the fire to the gate.
23:12Oh, I see you have already done so.
23:14Good.
23:20Saved by the bell.
23:22Eva Cane.
23:23Ah, my.
23:24I know you will.
23:25Ah!
23:30I know you will.
23:34I know you will.
23:35Oh, I know you will.
23:36I know you will.
23:38I know you will.
23:40All right.
23:42I know you will.
23:44I know you will.
23:45But what is the sign?
23:46Let you a sign?
23:47What is the sign?
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