- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E15
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on.
00:02No, I just can't get them ready as fast as you guys.
00:05Every morning I have to wash, dry, pluck, powder, dab, cleanse, deep cleanse,
00:12holy, pop, curl, blow, and buff.
00:16Well, that's far too complicated.
00:18You know, I usually just rinse, spit, unzip the parka, and voila.
00:23Sally, where's my breakfast?
00:24I'm working on it.
00:27Mary, what are you doing on the floor?
00:29I have no idea, but what is knowable in a universe where entropy grips us
00:34in a fatal dance of nihilistic despair?
00:36Why is he talking like this?
00:37I don't know, all I did was this.
00:39Give me this.
00:41If he's broken, it's going right into the report.
00:43Well, I wrote me a little song yesterday, and it goes a little something like this.
00:49What's with Harry?
00:49I don't know, he seems to be having a reaction of a crushing skull blow.
00:52What, with this?
00:53Yeah.
00:54Right there.
00:55Be careful, we could actually hurt Harry.
00:57Now, liberals want you to believe that more government is going to solve your problems.
01:04I'm sorry, I couldn't live with that.
01:07As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
01:12This is the story of four such explorers.
01:14I don't know.
01:17I don't know, they're all around us.
01:41I don't know.
01:42I don't know.
01:46Hurry, hurry!
01:47I'm coming, I'm coming, stop it already.
01:49What took you so long?
01:50Her pants are tight, she didn't go too fast.
01:52What is the big emergency?
01:54Well, look, it's just awful.
01:55I don't see anything.
01:56It's the dishes, they're dirty.
01:58And we need a plate.
02:00Don't you boys know how to wash a dish.
02:02Well, of course not, that's Sally's job.
02:04Yeah, that and killing spiders.
02:05No.
02:06Oh, please.
02:07We wouldn't ask you, except Sally is mysteriously absent,
02:10and without a clean plate, we could starve.
02:12Dick!
02:13Dick, come in here!
02:15Here she is.
02:18You guys are not going to believe all the cute stuff I got today.
02:21Everything came together like a well-oiled pistol.
02:24I've got the last pair of size 8 Ferragamo slingbacks on layaway.
02:28I need 300 bucks.
02:29Why?
02:30Because without the shoes, the belt is a joke.
02:34Lieutenant, we seem to be having a breakdown in communication here,
02:37because I have no idea what you're talking about.
02:39Of course you don't, Commander.
02:40It's about women.
02:41Ah, the women's issue.
02:45Well, maybe if you would explain it to me, I would understand.
02:47Well, you know, I've been explaining it to you since we got here.
02:49Well, one thing I do understand,
02:51this female obsession of yours is costing me a fortune.
02:54Spider!
02:55What?
03:01Fine.
03:01Hi, Commander.
03:02Take it all back to the store and get your money back.
03:04I'm going to get a job and make my own money.
03:06I am sick and tired of having to justify myself to you
03:08every time something pretty goes on sale.
03:11Come on, Harry.
03:11You're going to get a job, too.
03:12I am?
03:13Yes.
03:13I will not go unaccessorized.
03:18I had that dream again last night.
03:20Which one?
03:20The one where I'm riding a tractor and smoking a big cigar.
03:23Oh, you're ovulating.
03:30What?
03:31What are you laughing at?
03:32Girl talk.
03:34Girl talk?
03:35Oh, I'm sorry.
03:36Did that sound sexist?
03:37No.
03:38Sexist would be if you told me I had a tight butt
03:40then said if I didn't go to bed with you, I'd be fired.
03:44Oh, Dr. Solomon, I really don't think you'd understand
03:47what we were talking about.
03:48Oh, I know what this is.
03:49Me, man.
03:50Me too thick to grasp girl talk.
03:54Oh, Nina, are you going to that lecture series on Thursday?
03:57Dr. Natalie Blumfeld is speaking.
03:58Yes.
03:59It sounds wonderful.
04:00Can I come, too?
04:01It's really not for you.
04:03It's a place where we can open up and share our feelings.
04:06Oh, I have feelings.
04:08It's a women's study group.
04:10Well, I'll take notes.
04:12Please, let me come.
04:13Does everything have to involve you?
04:15In a perfect world, yes.
04:18I'll be very quiet.
04:20You won't even know I'm there.
04:21I think a man's presence would be inhibiting.
04:24I said you won't even know I'm there!
04:28Don't take this personally.
04:29It's not as if we were deliberately trying to exclude you.
04:33You want to have lunch now?
04:35Sure.
04:35Oh, I'd love to.
04:42Fine!
04:43I'll have my lunch alone.
04:46Like a man.
04:49My apple is so tiny.
04:53These career tests are so stupid.
04:56I mean, mine suggests I set my sights on optometry or horse training.
05:00What does yours say?
05:02Astronaut.
05:03Yeah, right.
05:04You, flying around in space.
05:07No.
05:08Like I know anything about antimatter containment vessels.
05:14Tommy, you know what we should do?
05:16Backpack around Ireland for a few months.
05:18Yeah, yeah, when?
05:19After we graduate.
05:21Oh.
05:23Or, better yet, we could move to New York and rent a loft in the village, you know, with
05:27a view of the river.
05:28It'll probably cost about 300 bucks a month.
05:32But, you know, that's okay.
05:34We'll find jobs in bookstores.
05:36Uh-huh.
05:38Tommy, give me some feedback.
05:41Well, it sounds great.
05:43Then why are you being so noncommittal?
05:46I, I, I don't know.
05:49Is it me?
05:51Would you just rather do this stuff without me?
05:53Oh, no, no, no.
05:54It's not you.
05:54It's, it's graduation.
05:55You know, I'm not sure if I'm even gonna be here in five years.
06:00I know what this is.
06:02You don't want to commit to me because you're not sure I'm your soulmate.
06:06Well, when you're done sorting out your feelings, give me a call.
06:08No, no, no, wait.
06:08August, August, wait, wait, wait.
06:10I, I, I think that we've reached a point in our relationship where I can tell you the
06:17truth about me.
06:19What?
06:21August.
06:27I care more about you than anything, and as long as I'm on this planet, I want to be
06:30with you.
06:33There.
06:33Now, aren't you glad you sorted out your feelings?
06:37Oh, yeah.
06:43Oh, boy, did we luck out.
06:45You know, not everybody can walk in off the street and get a job at a pancake house.
06:50Harry, what are you doing?
06:52Oh, uh, well, the training manual said no hair below the shoulders.
06:56Now, I don't think anybody's gonna look there, but, uh, you know, rule's a rule.
07:04Hey, um, Lieutenant, I got a question for you.
07:09Now, we've been on this planet a while now, and I was just wondering, if we were to tell
07:13someone we really cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be so dangerous?
07:19No, not at all, Tom.
07:20In fact, I've already told Mrs. Dubchek and the mailman, ooh, and that nice guy down at
07:24the mini-mart, because I want us all to die like lab rats at the hands of primitive scientists!
07:31Okay.
07:33Sally, I'm right again.
07:35I return to the store.
07:37I sent back your extravagant purchases, and I met a lovely saleswoman named Gwen, and
07:44the two of us effortlessly put together a thrifty yet stylish ensemble.
07:50Behold.
07:51Big deal.
07:52It's just a little black dress.
07:53Ah, to the untrained eye.
07:55But add a faux jacquard scarf, and a pair of pearl button earrings, and look.
08:04And this skirt.
08:06It's an economical acrylic blend, but look how it drapes.
08:12And the vertical stripes are so slimming.
08:15Ah.
08:16You like?
08:17Nice.
08:18All right now, Sally, since I've opened your eyes to a whole new world of options, you can
08:23return me the favor.
08:25Dr. Albright belongs to a women's study group, and I must find out what she's doing there.
08:30Yeah, God knows you don't want to respect her boundaries.
08:32Exactly.
08:35Has August ever belonged to a secret women's organization?
08:38Well, sure.
08:39The Girl Scouts.
08:41But she got out because she thought the cookie selling verged on racketeering.
08:47Well, Lieutenant, you have your assignment.
08:49I can't help you, Dick.
08:51As of today, I've suited up and joined the proud ranks of the workforce.
08:54Come on, Peppy.
08:58Wait a minute.
08:59Please.
09:00I'll show you 50 ways to tie a scarf.
09:04Tommy, could you...
09:05No, Dick.
09:09I've got to find out what she's doing.
09:12Hmm.
09:14A study group for women.
09:17Women only.
09:19Keine mensch, nur frauen.
09:23I'd have to find someone to infiltrate this group.
09:28But who?
09:34Who?
09:40Hey, you got any real syrup?
09:43Well, why, yes, we do, sir.
09:45But may I suggest...
09:47A dash of boysenberry to bring out the hidden oakiness in your otherwise common Vermont maple.
09:57Enjoy it, Mr. Grabby.
10:02Whoa.
10:06Let me ask you something.
10:07Was your service quick and courteous?
10:10Yes.
10:11Was your food hot and exactly what you ordered?
10:14Yes.
10:14Move over, sweetie.
10:17Then why is it, my friend, when I subtract your check from the amount on the tray, I come up
10:23with 97 cents for me?
10:25I didn't think you'd count it in front of me.
10:27But you're glad I did, now, aren't you?
10:30Yes, ma'am.
10:31Because now you understand that a tip is short for gratuity.
10:35And gratuity is short for gratitude.
10:38I never heard that, ma'am.
10:39Don't interrupt me.
10:41Gratitude for a job well done.
10:43Now, 5% is not gratitude, mister.
10:46It's an invitation to an ass-kicking.
10:52Got it?
10:54Got it.
10:57Have a nice day.
11:00I'm doing great.
11:02So, uh, split ends, is that serious?
11:05No, but they're driving me crazy.
11:08Um, August, if I told you a secret, do you think you could handle it?
11:13You've been keeping secrets from me?
11:18Oh, well, this is not just any secret.
11:20This is...
11:21This is a really big secret.
11:23You've been keeping big secrets from me?
11:26Well, not just you.
11:27I told you about my impetigo.
11:29I know, I know.
11:30It made me feel very close to you.
11:32But see, my secret's a lot more serious than just a contagious skin rash.
11:38You don't trust me.
11:40No, no, it's not that.
11:41I just don't want to go blabbing things out when I'm afraid there might be a fearful, ignorant reaction.
11:47Oh.
11:48I understand.
11:50Good.
12:00Oh, jeez.
12:02If I knew you could just cut this off, I would have done it months ago.
12:19Welcome.
12:21My name is Judith.
12:22Thank you, Judith.
12:23We have beverages as well as hummus and pita if you'd like.
12:26Why not?
12:26I'm wearing control tops.
12:33Oh, pardon me.
12:34No, it's entirely my...
12:35Oh, my.
12:38It's me, Dr. Solomon.
12:42I'm wearing women's clothes.
12:44Ah, that's it.
12:47Wait right here.
12:49Dr. Albright.
12:50Dr. Albright.
12:51Nina, can't this wait.
12:52I don't think so.
12:53Dr. Blumfeld is in the middle of a very interesting story.
12:56Yeah, well, mine's better.
12:57You're hurting my arm.
12:59Okay.
13:00Where were we?
13:01Mary, let's not monopolize Dr. Blumfeld.
13:04Have a seat.
13:07All right, ladies.
13:09We're ready to begin.
13:09Everybody settle.
13:10I'll just squeeze in over here.
13:20Hello.
13:27What are you doing here?
13:29Do you hate me?
13:30Oh, don't be ridiculous.
13:32Do you ever have this little voice in your head that says this might be a bad idea?
13:41I'd like to start by having everyone ask herself a question.
13:47How am I censoring myself?
13:50What am I doing to inhibit my relationship with those around me by concealing my true self?
13:57I have a thought on that.
13:58Don't you dare.
14:00Yes.
14:03I work in an office, and I find that I have to censor my feelings just to fit in.
14:09I'm often excluded, and whenever I do summon the courage to express my desire to be embraced by the group,
14:18I find myself muzzled and squelched by them.
14:30We're here to support each other.
14:32Please, go on.
14:34And you are...
14:35Dickie Joe.
14:39Dickie Joe.
14:40Don't mock me.
14:42I'm being excluded and sequestered because of my sex.
14:46I can feel the air change in the room when I walk in, and I just think it's so unfair.
14:50This isn't time to watch.
14:53Big girl.
14:54Pretty.
14:55But big.
14:57You will not.
14:58Why do women have to close themselves off?
15:01They don't.
15:02Let it out.
15:03I wouldn't encourage Dickie Joe.
15:06Mary, let her speak.
15:07Yeah.
15:08You go, girl.
15:14Mary, why do you withhold pretending there's something inside you that I can't understand?
15:19We're both grown-ups.
15:20What are you afraid of?
15:21Not here.
15:22Not now.
15:22Dr. Blumfeld is right.
15:24We can't hold ourselves back any longer.
15:28Knock, knock.
15:29Who's there?
15:30Me.
15:31Go away.
15:33It's too late.
15:34I'm here.
15:35Oh.
15:35Oh.
15:42I knew it all along.
15:44Me too.
15:50Hey.
15:51Listen, I just wanted to say that I've invested a lot in this relationship, and if you think
15:56you can treat me this way, you're wrong.
15:59Your hair looks really good.
16:02Um, August, I can't stand this anymore.
16:04I have to tell you something, and you're not going to believe this at first, and it might
16:09even make you sick.
16:10It's about my family.
16:16Well, that was a wash.
16:25The woman I love won't let me be a woman.
16:34I need some herbal tea and a fat-free cookie.
16:47Listen, August, what I needed to tell you was that I...
16:50Don't speak, Tommy.
16:52Don't speak.
17:00So, Harry, how much did we make?
17:02Oh, well, get our tip jar.
17:03Whew, you know, I have never been so fulfilled.
17:07For the first time as a human, I feel a sense of accomplishment and worth.
17:13Wow.
17:15$27.15.
17:18Come on, Harry, you must have missed a couple of hundreds.
17:21Let me see this.
17:26I worked eight stinking hours for a lousy pile of pennies?
17:31I got a foul miss and a couch!
17:34Hey, remember, we're splitting it.
17:36Shut up!
17:40$27.15!
17:43Ooh, and a mento.
17:52Not a mento.
18:14These just came for you.
18:17If you think flowers can repair the damage, you are so wrong!
18:21They're not from him.
18:22They're from Judith.
18:26You want me to read the card?
18:28No.
18:29Please?
18:29No!
18:33Well, another place I will never be able to go to again.
18:38Why not?
18:39They were very supportive.
18:41Did you learn nothing about women?
18:42I did.
18:44You are the biggest fool I have ever known.
18:48Really?
18:48Is that what you think?
18:50To say that you behave childishly is an insult to children everywhere.
18:55That's it.
18:55Open up.
18:56Talk to me.
18:59I am a merry-go-round person.
19:01You are a tilt-to-world person.
19:05This is good.
19:06Tell me your feelings.
19:07Before you came into this office,
19:09I had a very sane and ordered life.
19:14I could go for weeks without explaining myself.
19:16And now, the sky's the limit!
19:19You drive me crazy!
19:22I do all this to you?
19:24Yes!
19:24Well, I must be a pretty exciting guy.
19:30That's good!
19:31You see, now we're communicating.
19:33Now I know what you're thinking.
19:34What am I thinking?
19:36You like me.
19:43You really like me.
19:50Telly, is there anything you'd like to tell me as a woman?
19:53Because I think I'm enlightened enough now to hear it.
19:56Huh.
19:57Well, men are always bossing you around.
20:00No one ever says thank you.
20:02And you're expected to clean up after everyone.
20:05Are you talking about being a woman or a waitress?
20:09Waitress, woman, same thing.
20:12I just never realized how many people here are in the service of others.
20:16Well, everybody here sells his time for money.
20:19It's like taking a mortgage against your life.
20:21Well, my life is worth more than minimum wage and the occasional slice of free pie.
20:27I've just got to figure out what it is I really want to do.
20:30Well, I think you should.
20:32Everybody needs a goal.
20:33Yeah, I want to let my hair grow back.
20:36I want to make the world a better place.
20:39I want to bring mankind the gift of electricity.
20:46They have electricity.
20:48Ah.
20:49Then my work is done.
20:51I want to make the world a better place.
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