- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from the Sun S01 E19
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:03what is your problem I'm sorry I just can't believe what passed for literature
00:07in the 70s this delivery came for you COD you were here so I paid the guys oh thank you
00:16that
00:16saves me $28 plus $5 shipping in Hamlet it's something to warm up my side of the office
00:23dr. Albright has her collection of tribal death masks and now I have these look at this one it
00:29says plan ahead but the person who made it forgot to take that mr. advice giver pal you don't have
00:39to be crazy to work here but it helps it sure does oh I can't wait to show these to
00:46dr. Albright and
00:47Nina you know over time I've come to think of them less as my co-workers and more like a
00:53family I'm the
00:54all-knowing father Mary's the wife and Nina is our adopted love child I better be going the forecast
01:02for today is laughter
01:09so Sally you still want me to teach you how to make guacamole yeah I plan my whole day around
01:14it
01:14okay now oh oh darn you're bleeding oh no no I'll be fine just get me a little gauze oh
01:23sure I can
01:24handle that it's just a little flesh wound I've inflicted far worse than that thousands of times
01:30of course never on creatures who bleed I'll just I know to do I've seen this before we've got to
01:38get
01:38this woman to the ER oh she's a big girl I'm losing her I'm sorry watch out for the post
02:01you know maybe the emergency room isn't such a bad idea okay let's get her downstairs and loader
02:25as many intelligent people know aliens are all around us this is the story of four such explorers
02:32so
02:48so
02:49so
03:12One of these days, I'm going to get organized.
03:18Funny.
03:19Oh, I knew you'd love it. Whoever wrote this is a raving genius.
03:24I have the best news.
03:27Professor Fosco has been hired by Princeton.
03:29I didn't know the two of you were so close.
03:30Oh, I think he's a moron, but I get his office.
03:33The big office with the bay window and the view of the apple tree?
03:37Yes!
03:40Oh, Nina, you would have been so proud of me.
03:42As soon as I heard it was available, I went to that overly friendly woman who handles these things.
03:46Yeah, what is her problem?
03:47Oh, who cares? Anyway, it was between me and Professor Souter.
03:50And I said, well, you know, Mr. Souter is a very nice old man, but he seems very content in
03:54his little broom's closet, so I disturb him.
03:56And she bought it!
04:01Oh, my funny signs will look just great in the new office.
04:06I'll leave the two of you alone now.
04:10Ah, the thing is, the new office, it's a single.
04:15Oh, great! We can share at the same desk.
04:18Uh, no, you have to stay here.
04:23Oh, I see.
04:26You're leaving me.
04:28I guess it was a mistake to get so close.
04:30Oh!
04:31Well, we'll still see each other.
04:33Oh, please, don't patronize me. Just go.
04:37Dick, I've never had my own office.
04:39I've waited 12 years for this.
04:41And I, I need the extra space for my artifacts.
04:44Oh, to hell with your tchotchkes!
04:46I want you to stay here!
04:48Well, sometimes you can't get what you want.
04:51You're getting what you want?
04:53Sometimes you can.
04:54I need boxes!
04:56Fine!
04:57Mr. Potato Man is all the company I need.
05:00Right?
05:03Answer me!
05:04Answer me!
05:08She looks just like Snow White.
05:12Snow White with dried spittle on her chin.
05:19Where am I?
05:20You're in the hospital.
05:21Oh, good honey.
05:23You're out of the woods.
05:25I'm gonna run upstairs and see a friend of mine.
05:28She just went from a double D cup to a B.
05:30What, intentionally?
05:33I know.
05:34Can you believe that?
05:36What happened?
05:38You fainted.
05:39Oh, Sally.
05:39You just gotta pull through.
05:42But you're a fighter.
05:43You've always been a fighter.
05:45Oh, my God.
05:46Why are you talking like that?
05:47Am I dying?
05:48Oh, no, no.
05:49That's just the way they talk on those medical dramas.
05:51Damn it!
05:54Okay, Miss Solomon.
05:56Well, you might have a slight concussion from your fall.
05:58I'd like to keep you overnight for observation.
06:01Oh.
06:03Am I gonna be all right?
06:05Don't you worry about a thing.
06:07We take good care of people here.
06:10Oh.
06:12I don't know why, but that made me feel better.
06:15Can I have a word with you, doctor?
06:21What is it?
06:23This woman is the only sister I've got.
06:25And if that means having to use your best doctors and nurses,
06:29well, I'm just gonna have to live with that.
06:33Damn it.
06:35Damn it.
06:36Damn it.
06:37Damn it.
06:40Damn it.
06:41Damn it.
06:47Dr. Solomon, I'm Judith.
06:50I'm going to be sharing this office with you.
06:51Judith?
06:52This is my assistant, my brother, Roger.
06:55Roger?
06:56Please don't shake my hand.
06:58I've just washed it.
07:05Two rules.
07:06When I do not wish to be disturbed,
07:07I will place my nameplate face down on my desk.
07:11And in the morning, whoever arrives first will flip on the ionizer.
07:15You know, the woman who was previously in this office
07:18had no trouble with the level of ionization.
07:21Believe me, you will like me.
07:24Most people do.
07:45Well, this is nice.
07:47I rush all the way over here and I find you lolling around in bed.
07:50Dick, it was so scary.
07:52I was completely unconscious for a half hour.
07:55Oh, lucky you.
07:56After today, I'd pay to be unconscious.
07:58Oh, God.
07:59What happened?
08:00Mary moved into a new office.
08:03Meaning?
08:04I don't want her to move.
08:06I don't care if it's the office of her dreams.
08:08I don't care if she's never been happier.
08:10I'm so lonesome, I could die.
08:11Hello?
08:12Sally's in the hospital.
08:16Yeah, anyway, from now on, I'm thinking only of myself.
08:19I'm going to be completely...
08:21What's the word for it?
08:22Selfish.
08:23No, smart.
08:25I'm getting her back no matter what.
08:27But wait, I thought you said she was happy there.
08:28Oh, well, she thinks she is, but what does she know?
08:31I'm the high commander.
08:32I know what's best for everything.
08:35Now, why was I here?
08:37Oh, right.
08:38Get well.
08:39That's an order.
08:40Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to liberate old man Souter from his broom closet.
08:45Oh, I brought you some jello.
08:47Ah!
08:58Professor Souter, a terrible injustice has been done.
09:02What?
09:04I said, a terrible injustice has been done.
09:08I've heard you.
09:09What's the big injustice?
09:11Somebody has taken something that rightfully belongs to you.
09:15What?
09:17Somebody has taken something that rightfully belongs to you.
09:22Are you okay, Professor Souter?
09:24Are you okay?
09:31Yes, the one with the bay window and the apple tree.
09:35How long has it been since we talked?
09:38Seven years.
09:39Well, you be good.
09:40Bye-bye.
09:43Company.
09:44Look who I ran into, Mary.
09:45You remember Professor Souter.
09:48Hello, Mary.
09:49Hello, Professor.
09:51Dr. Solomon told me about your good fortune.
09:54I wanted to say congratulations.
09:59I used to have an eye out for this office.
10:02Ah, the bay window!
10:06And the apple tree.
10:08My wife and I used to picnic under it all the time.
10:12She's dead now.
10:15Mary, you have better eyes than I.
10:18Do you see anything carved on the trunk out there?
10:23No.
10:26Oh, I see.
10:27It's a heart.
10:28A heart, Mary.
10:30I carved it on the day I proposed,
10:32right before I went out to fight the Germans.
10:36You must have loved her very much.
10:39You'll never know.
10:42Mary, I have a very special favor to ask of you.
10:49What?
10:52Could you some afternoon help me gather apple blossoms
10:56and then take them with me to my wife's grave?
11:03Okay.
11:06Bless you, Mary.
11:08Come on, Professor Souter.
11:09Let me walk you down to your tiny office.
11:13I think Dr. Albright wants to be alone with her thoughts.
11:18Don't you let him manipulate you.
11:20This is your office,
11:21and I'm not just saying that because I finally got a window.
11:23I'm being objective.
11:24I know you are.
11:26But I'm starting to feel bad.
11:28You listen to me, woman.
11:29Keep the dream alive.
11:32Oh, I'm really going to miss this place.
11:37Yeah, but you got some lovely prizes.
11:40I know.
11:42A sipper cup, a pair of circulation socks, and a kidney-shaped salad bowl.
11:46Sweet!
11:48You know, I could just hang out here all day.
11:50I know.
11:50It's like Disneyland with a slightly higher fatality rate.
11:54Hey, look what I got.
11:57Wow.
11:58I was just hanging over there behind a door.
12:00Wow.
12:02Well, are there any left?
12:03Yeah, and the best part is you can go anywhere you want to.
12:05People treat you like a god,
12:06and you get 10% off everything at the gift shop.
12:14Let's go.
12:15I feel so fine.
12:1614-gauge anti-gab.
12:17How do you think of that speed?
12:17I need two more units of O-10 cc's of Narcane.
12:19Here, punch out, Trey.
12:2015, blade.
12:20Come on.
12:20I want my daughter back to me for prevention of a stroke.
12:22Now, do it.
12:23Whoa, here comes another one.
12:26Trouble coming through.
12:27Rattles.
12:27Rest 12.
12:28Beat me 140 over 100.
12:29Got a difficult airway.
12:30We can't get through.
12:30I'll do a convenience cut down.
12:31Probably rupture the aorta.
12:32I want a 10, blade.
12:34All right, hold his legs.
12:38It just never ends.
12:39And what if it did?
12:40Let's just pray that day never comes.
12:43Let's go.
12:54So, you got plans for tonight?
12:57Personal life?
12:58You kidding?
13:00I can sleep forever.
13:03When's our next shift?
13:04Well, it's hard to say.
13:05We're not doctors.
13:09Hello, everyone.
13:10Wow, you're in a good mood.
13:11I'm in a great mood.
13:13Did Dr. Albright move back in with you?
13:14Not yet.
13:15But today, I realized it's not about getting Mary back and getting what I want.
13:20It's about getting justice for Professor Souter.
13:24And getting what I want.
13:26So, I called up the dean and I told him it was a travesty to keep a 75-year-old
13:30man locked
13:31away in the basement.
13:31And now, I'm ready to par-tay.
13:37So, uh, what are we celebrating, brother?
13:39My ruthless commitment to myself.
13:42Wow, you're not just the high commander.
13:44You're presidential material.
13:56Looks like a burst appendix.
13:59Don't let the saline count fool you.
14:01I know this man is a diabetic.
14:05No, he isn't.
14:06You're suspended!
14:13She's gonna be all right, isn't she?
14:18She's gonna be fine.
14:21Here, let me show you what a doctor once did for me.
14:26Everything's gonna be all right.
14:29We take good care of people here.
14:34Thank you, doctor.
14:37This must be a tough job.
14:39Oh, oh.
14:40I've seen stuff that would make your eyes pop out of your head and splatter against the
14:44wall.
14:46In fact, I've seen that, too.
14:50Looks like a burst appendix.
14:54Don't let the saline count fool you.
14:57I know this man is a diabetic.
15:00This is a uterus.
15:04You're suspended!
15:07Father Rice, I find myself in the midst of a moral dilemma.
15:12That's why we have a theology department, Dick.
15:14What can I do for you?
15:15It's Professor Albright.
15:16She's strayed.
15:21No news there.
15:28Who is it this time?
15:30Professor Souter.
15:37That's why, Father, I implore you to use your position to shame her.
15:42That's not exactly what we do anymore.
15:45Someone's got to get her out of that new office.
15:48New office?
15:50Up on the second floor.
15:53Bay window?
15:54Apple tree?
15:55Yeah, that's the one.
15:57Well, I'll be darned.
15:58I hadn't heard.
16:03So Albright got that office, huh?
16:07Hmm.
16:08Thank you, Dick.
16:12Roger says you must never leave these on his desk again.
16:15Whatever.
16:19One of these days, I'm going to get Organizize.
16:26That's marvelous!
16:28It's moronic!
16:29Now be quiet!
16:35There you are.
16:36Ooh, la, la, la.
16:37La, la, la, la.
16:39You were right.
16:40It was a burst appendix.
16:42The saline can't fool me.
16:45I didn't know he had diabetes.
16:47He'll live now.
16:50Remember this face.
16:54And beg that one day you'll be half the professional that Dr. Moshe Pipchik is.
17:08Get out of my way.
17:09Can't you people see I'm carrying a box?
17:12Nina!
17:14Well, you're...
17:16Mary, you're back!
17:18Yes, I'm back.
17:19Dean Sumner said it was an oversight that he had already promised my office to someone else.
17:23Backstabbing weasel.
17:24That's the last time I suck up to him.
17:27Professor Shooter, so...
17:29I guess everything worked out, huh?
17:31Oh, shut up.
17:33Thanks to that idiot campaign you mounted on my behalf, they're forcing me to retire.
17:38Why?
17:39Because you reminded them I was over 70 and still on the payroll.
17:43I haven't taught a class in four years.
17:48What have you been doing all this time?
17:50Working on my screenplay.
17:52It's like Die Hard, but it's set in an office building.
17:57Die Hard was in an office building.
18:01Up yours.
18:05Mary.
18:06What?
18:07Somewhere in the recesses of your heart.
18:09Aren't you just the tiniest bit happy that we're a family again?
18:17So instead of the head of oncology, this is a hospital dammit.
18:21Oh.
18:23Look at all the new people.
18:30Hello, precious.
18:32Hello.
18:33Wow.
18:34Hey, that one right there looks just like Winston Churchill.
18:37So is that one.
18:38Hey, this one looks like Black Winston Churchill.
18:48It's amazing, isn't it?
18:51An entire ward of pure distilled life.
18:57I guess people don't just come here to get repaired.
19:01Oh, shh.
19:03Don't cry, sweetheart.
19:04This part's easy.
19:07Just wait till you have to choose a long-distance carrier.
19:12Gosh, I wish I could have started from scratch like you guys.
19:16Knowing but not knowing.
19:19Seeing and then all at once forgetting.
19:25Enjoy it.
19:28Time here moves really fast.
19:36Father, I've made a terrible mistake.
19:39In order to get my way, I've harmed a friend.
19:41Someone I deeply love.
19:43A man I barely know.
19:45And a large, unpleasant woman in sensible shoes.
19:50I feel just awful.
19:53Dick, all of God's creatures make mistakes.
19:58And he forgives them.
20:00Let me show you something.
20:03When I walk up to my bay window
20:06and see that apple tree outside,
20:09I'm reminded of how simple life can be
20:11when it becomes less about having
20:13and more about being.
20:17You're a good man, Father.
20:19In a really, really great office.
20:23It's great, isn't it?
20:26I've realized that when getting what you want
20:28comes at the expense of others,
20:31it's not at all satisfying.
20:33Even if it's the last bag of circus peanuts?
20:37Well, that would be pretty satisfying.
20:40This came for you from the hospital.
20:42Oh, those people are so nice.
20:44It's probably a get-well card.
20:47It's a bill for $3,500.
20:50Oh, but look, it says thank you
20:52for your prompt payment.
20:53Did you pay them?
20:55No.
20:56I didn't pay them.
20:58It wasn't me.
20:59Well, somebody must have paid them.
Comments