- 13 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E11
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I don't know, people speak with Oddie, so you won't be able to eat it.
00:30And I've made a discovery, I'm not good at anything.
00:33There's going to be something that you can do.
00:35Yeah, let me look through the want ads.
00:38What's that smell?
00:39I'm making blueberry muffins.
00:40Smells like they're done.
00:41No, they're not. The timer didn't go off.
00:43Yes, but Lieutenant...
00:43Dick, I've incinerated entire armies. I think I can handle an oven.
00:48Oh, you know, I'm glad to hear you say that, because I kind of signed you up for a bake
00:52sale.
00:52What's a bake sale?
00:53Oh, it's just an attempt to revive a failing educational system through parental involvement.
00:58A fine pause. I'm there.
01:01You know, I really think you should check on those muffins.
01:04The box said 15 minutes. You don't argue with the box.
01:07That's something that you could do, Harry. They want somebody to sweep up the Burger Palace.
01:11Oh, sure. After about four years of grad school, maybe.
01:16Now they're done.
01:18Ooh, look at this. Here's a job I can do.
01:22Police seek third gunman.
01:27Well, tomorrow, I'm going to march right down to the police station and tell them I'm the man they're looking
01:33for.
01:33Good for you, Harry.
01:35Okay, they're ready. They're just going to be a little burnt.
01:40As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
01:44This is the story of four such explorers.
02:15This is the story of four such explorers.
02:24This is the bake sale committee, right?
02:26Yes. I don't believe I've seen you before.
02:29I don't believe you're blonde.
02:34Okay, everybody. Let's take our seats and get started.
02:38David, as you know, this is my sixth year as chairman of the bake sale, and, um, I think we've
02:47done pretty darn well.
02:49Last year, we raised $500.
02:52Oh, good.
02:53How much did you make before that?
02:54Well, I don't want to brag, but we've made roughly $500 each of the last six years.
03:00Uh, so what you're saying is the group is stagnating under your leadership.
03:06You're new around here.
03:08Let's start the meeting, shall we?
03:10Any thoughts on this year's sale?
03:12Yeah, I have a thought.
03:14This group isn't advancing. It's retreating.
03:16You dropped the ball, sister.
03:19I am a master chef.
03:21I trained at the Culinary Institute of Pittsburgh.
03:23I think I know a little bit about baking.
03:26Okay, well, here's what I know about baking.
03:28Zip.
03:29But these troops need a leader.
03:31Not some chirpy, weak-chinned, underachieving drone.
03:34No offense.
03:36Look, if you aim for $500, you get $500.
03:39But there's a saying where I come from.
03:41When you want to punch someone in the nose, you aim for the back of the head.
03:44That is, if they have a head.
03:46So I say aim for $10,000 and don't settle for anything less than $5,000.
03:51Um, Grace, I think she should be in charge.
03:57Oh, good morning, Nina.
04:05Good morning.
04:06Nina, my brother Harry is trying to find something.
04:09To keep himself busy.
04:10I was just wondering, how did you get this job?
04:12I found a magic lamp on the beach, and this was my first wish.
04:17Wonderful.
04:18How can Harry get hold of a magic lamp?
04:24Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
04:25Dr. Albright, there's something different about you this morning.
04:29I have a new blouse.
04:30No, that's not it.
04:32And I hope you didn't pay too much for it.
04:35That's it.
04:36It's the box.
04:37What's in it?
04:37Oh, this.
04:38Painting supplies.
04:39I'm taking a painting class.
04:41I'm not very good at it.
04:42Oh, so you're bad.
04:44I wouldn't say I was bad.
04:46You have to understand, I have incredibly high standards, and I tend to be very critical
04:51of myself.
04:52But as an amateur, I've demonstrated quite a bit of potential.
04:56So you're bad.
05:00But art is essentially subjective.
05:03There is no good or bad.
05:04So if you stink, you're still allowed to do it?
05:08Well, that sounds perfect.
05:09Are you interested?
05:11Me?
05:11Don't be ridiculous.
05:13I was talking about Harry.
05:14Oh.
05:14Oh, you thought I was worried about being less than perfect?
05:18Oh, that's rich.
05:23Okay.
05:24Here's how it's gonna work.
05:25Door is open.
05:26Crowd comes in.
05:27First thing they see, finger pastries.
05:28They nosh a little.
05:29They're delighted.
05:30They continue on to the layer cakes.
05:32Smell hits them.
05:33They're drooling like rabid dogs.
05:34Then, the heavy artillery.
05:36They reach the walnut bread, the almond bars, the cashew squares.
05:39Bang!
05:39We got them by the roasted nuts.
05:43Carry on, Lieutenant.
05:44Thank you, sir.
05:46Sally, that was Andy Larson on the phone.
05:48Did you really make his mom do one-handed push-ups till she cried?
05:53Yes.
05:54She had to be broken for the sake of the unit.
05:56You know, this art is fascinating.
05:59Every era, every culture, they all have their own art.
06:03I mean, what drives them to create this?
06:05Naked women.
06:07Well, these are not naked women.
06:09They're nudes.
06:10Nudity is the artist's passionate celebration of the human form.
06:14Well, party on.
06:17Hey, Dick, why is it that you see nude people in museums, but they never show them on TV?
06:21Well, sure they do.
06:21But never in comedies.
06:23Only in dramas.
06:24And even then, only when the ratings sag.
06:27Harry!
06:29Harry, what's wrong?
06:31I got fired from my job at the kids' pizza place.
06:34Oh, no.
06:34Yes, they dress me up like a giant mouse, so I figure, hey, I'll just get into character.
06:39And then they complain when I eat off the floor.
06:42Why don't you worry about that?
06:43I found something else for you to do.
06:45You're coming with me to an art class.
06:47Art?
06:47I wasn't creative enough to be a rodent.
06:49No, no.
06:50You don't have to be creative to do art.
06:52You just have to be a certain type.
06:53Now, you've been ostracized, spit upon, and strangers repeatedly tell you that you're crazy.
06:58You've got everything it takes.
07:00The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci.
07:03Boy, the guy in the middle really knows how to throw a party, eh?
07:07And he's sitting in front of the archway.
07:09So what?
07:10Well, the negative space in the archway draws our focus.
07:14And the hills outside the archway fade into a bluish haze, creating distance.
07:19So it's sort of like, it's not just a party.
07:22It's a going-away party.
07:26Larry, I'm impressed.
07:27Mm, me too.
07:29Can we buy it?
07:30Don't be silly.
07:31After one week, we'd be sick of it.
07:39Oh, Dick, this is wonderful.
07:42Do you have any idea how good it feels to do something for the first time and not suck at
07:46it?
07:48Well, hello.
07:49It's nice to see a couple of fresh faces.
07:52Oh, we're very fresh.
07:53Squeeze my head.
07:54It's soft.
08:01Oh, Harry, that's really interesting.
08:03Well, I remember that.
08:05Yeah, that was that thing that burst out of that guy's thorax.
08:08Oh, yeah, and we hit it and hit it and hit it, and it just wouldn't die.
08:11Uh, it's a family joke, sorry.
08:18All right, class, let's take a look at what we've been working on for the past two weeks.
08:22Who would like to be first?
08:24Mary?
08:25No.
08:28I call this painting Spirits of Spring.
08:32When I was growing up in Indiana, and all the other kids would exclude me from their playing,
08:37I'd sit in my yard and anxiously await the tiny crocuses to pop their happy heads out from their winter
08:42sleep.
08:43Oh, that's a beautiful story.
08:45Oh.
08:46It's a lousy painting, but it is a beautiful story.
08:50It's very nice, Dr. Albright.
08:52Anyone have any comments?
08:54Uh, well, I...
08:55Oh, never mind.
08:56It's stupid.
08:57Well, don't let that stop you, Harry.
08:59Go ahead.
09:00Well, um, I just find that my focus is drawn to the upper right corner,
09:05but when it gets there, there's nothing to see.
09:07Maybe you could add a splash of yellow to carry out the motif you've already established.
09:13But what do I know?
09:14Actually, that's a very good suggestion.
09:16Really?
09:17Really?
09:18Yes.
09:19Harry, you've really opened something up for me.
09:22I know exactly what you're saying.
09:25Wow!
09:26Thank you!
09:27Thank you!
09:30You work with her.
09:31Is this sarcasm?
09:37Low-mass black holes form only when matter is compressed into enormous densities
09:42by very large external pressures,
09:44and this demonstrates which principle of quantum astrophysics?
09:52I'll give you a hint.
09:53It has nothing to do with geometric cosmology.
09:56Anyone?
09:58If no one answers, I'll have to pick someone.
10:01Someone, please answer.
10:02Please raise your hand.
10:03Please, someone.
10:06Leon!
10:07Since you're talking, I'll ask you.
10:08What's the principle?
10:10Uh, wetness?
10:11No.
10:12Try again.
10:12Dr. Solomon, why do you keep calling on Leon?
10:15It's just not funny anymore.
10:18Well, that's nonsense.
10:20Leon, the only way of understanding the universe
10:22is to find the limits of your own intelligence.
10:24I-I think I've reached my limit.
10:26Ha!
10:28Doug!
10:29Yes, Dr. Solomon?
10:30You're hiding something.
10:31Oh, that is-it's just a doodle.
10:33A doodle?
10:35Well, this is a picture of me.
10:37With antlers and something coming out of my buttocks.
10:42It's a tail.
10:44Well, it is.
10:46It's brilliant!
10:47The lines, the contours,
10:49the way you've picked up the essence of my rugged good looks.
10:51It's just a doodle.
10:53Just a doodle.
10:54And Alan Thicke is just an actor!
10:59Tomorrow, I want everyone to bring in three sharpened pencils
11:02and Bug will teach us all how to doodle!
11:04Oh, thank you!
11:23Damn!
11:31I've tasted your butter cookies, Mrs. Stevenson,
11:34and yes, I can believe it's not butter.
11:38Use a butter substitute and you'll find yourself saying,
11:40I can't believe I was bounced out of this bake sale
11:42right out of my ass.
11:44Get out of the program.
11:52Tommy.
11:54Do you ever doodle?
12:03Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
12:10I can't doodle.
12:13I'll take you're kind of old.
12:16Old?
12:17Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his 60s.
12:20That's disgusting.
12:22I know.
12:22I just can't draw.
12:25Oh, doodling.
12:28It's inexplicable.
12:31I, who bestride this world like an intellectual colossus.
12:34I, who make lesser men quiver in awe of my cranial prowess.
12:38I, who...
12:40I've forgotten my point.
12:42Dad, I invented a new color.
12:44I combined red and yellow.
12:47I call it red-yellow.
12:49Can't wait to show it in art class.
12:51Great.
12:52Mix up a whole vat of it.
12:54Go.
12:54Hop to it.
12:56You ironically gifted chowder head.
13:00Why did I say that?
13:01What's wrong with me?
13:02Could it be, and this is just a wild guess, that Harry is way better at something than you?
13:06Oh, give me some credit.
13:07I'm the high commander.
13:08I don't engage in petty rivalry.
13:10Look, Dick.
13:12You're actually younger than me, right?
13:13Right.
13:14But on this mission, you got to be taller.
13:16Now, don't you think that eats my lunch just a little bit?
13:20You don't see me whining.
13:21So how can you be so cool about it?
13:23Because I'm older than you, little buddy.
13:29Tommy, I got a reconnaissance report from Mrs. Nagel.
13:32Our only real competition is the kissing booth.
13:34This year, they have hookers.
13:37Sally, those are cheerleaders.
13:39Not if they're charging.
13:43Banana nut muffin heads.
13:45Are there two parts banana to every one part walnut, Mrs. Hartzinger?
13:48Yes, ma'am.
13:48I can't hear you?
13:49Yes, ma'am.
13:55Mighty tasty rogola, Mrs. Greenstein.
13:57Thank you, ma'am.
14:01All right, now, before we open the doors,
14:03I just have one more thing to say.
14:05You are by far the saddest, sorriest,
14:07most pathetic group of mothers
14:10I have ever had the honor of commanding.
14:13And I'll never forget you.
14:15Music.
14:17Doors.
14:20All right, ladies.
14:20Take no prisoners
14:22or personal chicks.
14:31Dick, are you mad at me?
14:35No.
14:37Lately, you get this weird grin
14:39like you're hiding something.
14:41That's not about art class, is it?
14:42Art class?
14:43Why, no, I don't care about art.
14:45Let's not forget what one of the great thinkers
14:47of the 20th century said.
14:48Art is no damn good.
14:51What great thinker said that?
14:52Jesse Helms.
14:55Besides, I've made a command decision.
14:57We're not going to art class anymore.
14:58It's not productive.
14:59We've experienced it.
15:00Let's move on.
15:03All righty.
15:10Permission to speak, High Commander.
15:13What did you say?
15:15Permission to speak, Dick.
15:17You've never asked permission to speak before.
15:19Well, I've never really had anything worth saying,
15:22but, Dick, this art thing means a lot to me,
15:25and I have no idea why.
15:27All I know is that I like doing it.
15:30So I want to go tomorrow,
15:31whether you go or not.
15:34I'm sorry.
15:39There's no need to be sorry
15:40for something you're good at, Harry.
15:41You go to class.
15:43Really?
15:44Yes.
15:48If that's what makes you happy,
15:49then I'm happy.
15:53Thanks, Dick.
15:54Dick, now there's the smile I like.
16:08Were you soaking wet?
16:10Am I?
16:12You've been acting strangely.
16:14What's wrong?
16:15It's kind of hard to talk about.
16:16I have this friend
16:18whose brother Harry
16:20is a much better artist than he is.
16:22So this is about you and Harry.
16:24Am I that transparent?
16:26I'm going to tell you a little story.
16:30My partner in dance class in college
16:34was a girl named Nadia.
16:35She got all the leads,
16:36all the attention.
16:38People would call her
16:39live,
16:40willowy,
16:42leggy.
16:44I rehearsed with her.
16:46I showed a tremendous amount of support.
16:48I went to all the recitals.
16:50She'd leap and twirl on the stage,
16:52exuding this incredible sensual grace.
16:55While I sat there,
16:56a frozen smile on my face,
16:58loathing her for my own inadequacies.
17:01Oh, you have any pictures of her?
17:04That's not the point.
17:06The thing I came to realize was
17:08that she needed me there.
17:10My support inspired her to dance.
17:13And that was enough for you?
17:14Well, yes.
17:15Well, look at the Mona Lisa.
17:16She never picked up a paintbrush,
17:18and yet she inspired
17:20the most famous painting in the world.
17:21Oh.
17:22So it's like Whistler and his mother.
17:24Exactly.
17:25Van Gogh and his potato eaters.
17:26Yes.
17:27Michelangelo and his ceiling
17:29full of naked guys
17:30trying to touch fingers.
17:32More or less.
17:33Inspiration.
17:34Yes.
17:34Yes!
17:35Thank you!
17:37Thank you!
17:38Oh, and that little story
17:39really helped me.
17:41Thank you!
17:42Sure.
17:43Oh, and by the way,
17:44I love your stubby little legs.
17:54Harry,
17:55were your parents artistic?
17:57Mm-hmm.
17:58Not really.
17:58My mother was a cold receptacle,
18:00and my father was just a machine.
18:04Well, we all have our baggage.
18:07But don't forget,
18:09out of suffering comes creativity.
18:11You can't spell painting without pain.
18:13Mm.
18:15Or ting.
18:21Oh, Dick, you came.
18:23You going to paint?
18:24Even better.
18:25I now accept the fact
18:27that I do not have artistic talent,
18:29like you, like Harry.
18:31I know now that
18:32I will never be able
18:34to be a part of a class like this,
18:35but Dr. Allwright
18:37has made me see the joy
18:38that I can take
18:39in inspiring other people.
18:41No,
18:42I will never be an artist,
18:43but I can make a great subject.
18:46Prepare to meet
18:48your muse!
19:09Oh, great.
19:11I'm going to need more pink.
19:17You're telling me
19:19Dr. Solomon
19:20posed for this?
19:23Yes.
19:25Well, hello, Dr. Solomon.
19:28Well, hello, Nina.
19:32Well,
19:33I'll leave you three alone.
19:37Oh,
19:39this is wonderful.
19:40I really did inspire you,
19:42didn't I?
19:43Yes.
19:44You know,
19:44the whole time
19:44I was standing there,
19:45I kept thinking about
19:47how you inspired Nadia
19:49what ever happened to her?
19:50Oh,
19:51alcoholic,
19:52trailer park,
19:53seven kids.
19:55Oh, no,
19:55it really is a shame.
20:00What do you call it?
20:02Middle-aged,
20:03naked guy
20:03who can't paint.
20:09leading that bake sale
20:10was exhilarating.
20:12Those women were crying out
20:13for leadership.
20:14You know,
20:15over half this planet's population
20:16is female.
20:18If I could just harness
20:19their power,
20:20we could easily turn men
20:21into a slave race.
20:28or maybe just talk hair.
20:32You know,
20:33I've discovered
20:34that here on Earth,
20:34every human
20:35has his own talents
20:36and his own flaws.
20:38The smart ones
20:39have learned
20:39to use their talents,
20:40but the happy ones
20:41have learned
20:42to accept their flaws.
20:44I know I've accepted mine.
20:46Permission to mention
20:47your receding hairline, sir.
20:50Permission denied.
20:52Well,
20:53here's my latest painting.
20:54It's a still life.
20:56That's very interesting, Harry.
20:57And very dark.
20:58It's a bunch of rotten fruit.
21:00Yeah,
21:00I really gotta learn
21:01to paint faster.
21:19It's a still life.
21:20It's a still life.
21:23It's a still life.
21:25It's a still life.
21:27It's a still life.
21:28It's a still life.
21:28It's a still life.
21:28It's a still life.
Comments
1