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Tv, 'Allo 'Allo - S5E05 - Enter Denise
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00:00I
00:26I suspect that this meat that I am trying to eat passed the winning post at Longchamp some time ago.
00:32Probably in last place.
00:35This ill-fitting uniform that I am wearing has landed me in serious trouble.
00:40I put it on to escape the Germans, only to be captured by the fanatical communist resistance.
00:45Why do you not tell them that you are the well-known and jolly cafe owner René Artois, I hear you say.
00:50Because, my friends, they think that René Artois is a collaborator, and he is on their hit list.
00:56I'm very near the top.
00:59Shut up.
01:00This old forger and safe-breaker and incompetent pianist is also, you will note, disguised as a German officer.
01:07But he is even less convincing than I am.
01:10May I now have the fork, please? I would like to eat my peas.
01:15Use your knife like you usually do.
01:18Look out, somebody's coming.
01:20Now, to business.
01:24Turn his other hand to the pillow.
01:26Look, if this is going to take long, would you put that food back in the oven?
01:33There is nothing worse than cold oars.
01:36Prepare his back.
01:38What?
01:38If you had asked, I would have taken it all.
01:48You can drop the phony French accent, von Smittelhofen.
01:51A German lieutenant must have much information for us.
01:55I know absolutely nothing of any use to you.
01:58You will reveal everything.
01:59Oh, we are halfway there already.
02:03Mademoiselle La Roque was firmly aligned Tamer.
02:07La Roque?
02:08La Roque, that name rings a bell.
02:09Are you one of the Nancy La Roques?
02:12You clearly know more about me than is good for you.
02:14Are you in the Gestapo?
02:16No, no, definitely not.
02:17And if I may say so, my friend over there, who is very old and frail and suffering from a severe hiatus hernia,
02:25finds this whole interview most distressing.
02:28Good.
02:28We will beat you till he talks.
02:31Beat away.
02:32I will not talk.
02:35I will not besmirch the honour of the von Becksteins.
02:39Heil Hitler.
02:41Thank you, Eric von Stroheim.
02:45Now, von Smittelhofen, if you wish to save yourself a lot of pain,
02:50you will tell us the date of the German invasion of England.
02:53No, no, no.
02:54Do not tell them.
02:55Well, Hitler keeps these things to himself.
02:59You know Hitler.
02:59You know how he is.
03:01But I did hear somebody mention the second Sunday in Epiphany.
03:06Timonite, what is this mark on your right shoulder?
03:09Oh, I'm glad you asked me about that.
03:11It is a birthmark.
03:12I was born in a snowstorm.
03:15The doctor could not come out.
03:16He had Asian flu.
03:18So, Madame Tricomphor, who was my mother's home help at the time,
03:22assisted at the confinement.
03:23She used the tongs that were in the coal bucket.
03:26That is how I got this birthmark.
03:29What is the next question?
03:31It is a perfect gooseberry.
03:33It even has the little hairs on it.
03:36You may have seen this before.
03:38It was on the shoulder of my childhood sweetheart.
03:41It was a hot August day on a riverbank in Nancy.
03:48The scent of the flowers in the fields filled the air that we breathed.
03:53He was fishing.
03:55I sat beside him.
03:57He let me hold his worms.
03:58We kissed a gentle kiss.
04:04And the ice cream that I was holding melted on his shirt.
04:08Chocolate ripple.
04:10Correct.
04:11He removed his shirt to cleanse it in the bubbling stream.
04:15And for the first time, I saw the mark.
04:18This mark.
04:20But his name was René Artois.
04:21My name is René Artois.
04:24I cannot believe it.
04:26Tell her.
04:27Tell her I am René Artois.
04:28I am saying nothing.
04:31Long live the third night.
04:33All right, love.
04:34Shut up.
04:35Are you sure it is him?
04:36We vowed to love each other till the end of time.
04:39And then, on that warm riverbank,
04:42he took my most treasured possession.
04:44My medal for gymnastics.
04:48I broke it half.
04:50I still have my half.
04:52And I have mine.
04:56See?
04:57It fits.
04:58René.
05:00Barbara.
05:01Denise.
05:02Denise, I'm sorry.
05:05Yes, Denise has drawn us together.
05:07I will never let you go again.
05:09In this position, this is not very good news.
05:14Who is in there?
05:21Who is driving?
05:22Who has damaged my little tank?
05:26Clarence.
05:28Come out of that tank at once.
05:31Are you the drover of this tank?
05:34Of course not, you fool.
05:36I'm outside it, am I not?
05:39Clarence, come out.
05:41Show yourself.
05:42Good morning, Lieutenant.
05:49Madame Ediths,
05:50what are you doing in my little tank?
05:53I think something backed into me.
05:56A woman drover?
05:58I might have goosed.
06:00Madame Ediths,
06:03public conveniences
06:04do not back into people.
06:07And unauthorized peasants
06:09are forbidden from entering German tanks.
06:15We just popped in
06:17to look at your controls.
06:19We must have pressed the button.
06:21I have a knife.
06:29I will kill him.
06:30Keep talking while I creep from behind him.
06:33Stay where you are.
06:35Oh, I am so sorry.
06:38It is not too bad.
06:40I will get it painted for you
06:42if you let me have it
06:42for a couple of days.
06:43What about the possoire?
06:46It is an absolute shimble.
06:49I cannot think
06:50what possessed you,
06:51Madame Ediths.
06:53Lieutenant,
06:54I have to confess.
06:56I was on my way
06:57to rescue René.
06:59René?
07:00Where is he?
07:01He has been captured
07:02by the Communist Resistance.
07:04The Communist Resistance?
07:06They are ruthless.
07:08They think he is a collaborator.
07:10He is on their hit list.
07:11Oh, dear.
07:12René, my friend,
07:14this is terrible.
07:16I will take full responsibility
07:18for this account, officer.
07:20And who is going to pee
07:22for the possoire?
07:23I'm too comprehensive.
07:25Send the bill to Berlin.
07:29Is there anybody there?
07:30There is nobody
07:32about cast ears.
07:35The place looks like
07:36the Manet Celeste.
07:38I didn't know
07:39you had a classical education.
07:41Saw the film.
07:43You know, I'm fed up
07:44with being cooped up
07:44in that damn cupboard.
07:45Let's have a drink.
07:47I don't know whether
07:48you've noticed
07:49that those froggies
07:51aren't doing much
07:51about getting us home.
07:53Say, when...
07:56When...
07:57You know,
08:01I've been scratching
08:02the old brain box.
08:03Steady on.
08:04Why don't we go out,
08:06find a jelly
08:07and give ourselves up
08:09and get into
08:10a proper prisoner of war camp?
08:13Yes.
08:14At least we'll get
08:14letters from home.
08:15And Red Cross parcels.
08:18And they have
08:18a proper escape committee
08:19run by professionals.
08:21We'd probably get
08:22a decent cup of tea
08:23as well.
08:23And they put on
08:26plays and things.
08:26That's right, yes.
08:27I always fancied
08:28playing Heathcliff
08:29in Wuthering Heights.
08:31Yes!
08:32You wouldn't be bad.
08:34Mind you,
08:35they don't have girls.
08:37You'd probably have
08:37to shave off
08:38your moustache
08:38and play Cathy.
08:41Customers,
08:42quick,
08:42attend to them.
08:43Give them a drink.
08:45Oh!
08:45It is the British Airmen!
08:47What are they doing
08:48down here?
08:49You should be upstairs
08:50in the cupboard.
08:52What's she going on about?
08:59I think she wants
08:59to take you upstairs
09:00and rip her blouse over.
09:03She looks a bit desperate.
09:06What?
09:06Our two Germans coming!
09:08I will smash them
09:09over the air tonight.
09:10Their bodies in a cellar.
09:12Ah,
09:13come in.
09:13Welcome.
09:14We have a table
09:15for you by the window.
09:18Shall we surrender
09:19to them?
09:20Good heavens,
09:21no.
09:22We are officers.
09:23They are privates.
09:24You should only give us
09:25hold up to officers.
09:28This one really is keen,
09:30isn't she?
09:31Sorry, old girl.
09:32It's another time.
09:34Goey, walkie.
09:36Findy, jerry.
09:39Givey, uppie.
09:40She's not Chinese, you know.
09:44Come on, cast hands.
09:47Quick, find Officer Crabtree.
09:49He speaks their language.
09:51He certainly doesn't speak ours.
09:53How dare you try to bluff a senior Gestapo officer
10:01with a pair of tens.
10:03I have won.
10:05Am I allowed to see your hand,
10:07Heerflick?
10:08No, you have lost.
10:10I get your Gestapo pen and pencil set.
10:13Helga.
10:17I am here to report
10:18in accordance with your orders,
10:19Heerflick.
10:20First, you may kiss me.
10:24Von Smallhausen,
10:25pull down your bandages.
10:26Oh, that sounded like a real smacker.
10:37Get out.
10:45Was that kiss satisfactory, Heerflick?
10:48No.
10:48You smell of diesel.
10:51Lieutenant Gruber gave me a ride
10:53in his little tank.
10:54Sit.
10:56Did you gain any information
10:59about the plot to blow up Hitler?
11:01No, but I am making progress.
11:03He allowed me to manipulate his gears
11:04from third to top.
11:07This, I am informed by Lieutenant Gruber,
11:09is a rare privilege.
11:10This is good.
11:12What else?
11:13He also demonstrated to me his gun,
11:15but whilst showing me
11:16how to put Von up the spout,
11:18he caught his fingers in the bridge block.
11:20It is a dangerous mechanism
11:22and results in many painful accidents.
11:24Now, do you have time
11:26for our usual game of poker?
11:27Of course.
11:28Shall I deal?
11:29By bother.
11:30Now that I know you are
11:41a close friend
11:42of the bravest man in France,
11:44I should give myself to you.
11:46Oh, me.
11:50Unfortunately, I have to blow up a train,
11:52the 12.30 Express from Paris.
11:54Oh, could you not wait
11:56for the goods train at 4.15?
12:05Until the next time.
12:11I cannot even remember the first time.
12:18Rene, what happened?
12:20The mark of the airy gooseberry
12:22has saved our lives.
12:23I was able to explain to them
12:25all my brave exploits
12:26that I carried out
12:27under the guise of a
12:28cowardly cafe owner.
12:30So, we are in the clear.
12:31Well, let's get back to the cafe.
12:33Yeah, unfortunately,
12:34she has decided
12:35that I am her destiny
12:36and she will not let us go.
12:37Oh?
12:38Well, why do you worry?
12:40She is an intelligent woman
12:42with beautiful boobies.
12:44I think of the life
12:47I would have to lead.
12:48Blowing up bridges and trains,
12:50dodging bullets,
12:52sleeping in edges,
12:53living in ditches.
12:55This is no life for a coward.
12:58Especially one with a good business.
13:00Come on, let us know.
13:02Ah, oh.
13:05The welfare committee
13:06of the communist resistance,
13:07of which I am the chairperson,
13:09has had a meeting.
13:11By a show of daggers,
13:12we have decided
13:13that I will be allowed
13:14to marry you.
13:15And the wedding
13:15can take place on Saturday.
13:18Oh, that is good news.
13:20We will commandeer
13:21the church of St. Paul
13:22in the Rue de Valais.
13:24We will kidnap the priest
13:25and we will break
13:26into the dress shop
13:27of Madame Lenard
13:28and steal the wedding dress
13:29which is displayed
13:30in our window.
13:31For you,
13:32a morning suit
13:33and top hat
13:33will be acquired
13:34by forcing the back door
13:35of the 500 franc tailors
13:37in the high street.
13:38I see all the normal
13:39arrangements have been made.
13:42Who is doing the catering?
13:43Or will it just be
13:44sandwiches on the run?
13:46I can hardly wait
13:47until the moment
13:47when we are one.
13:49Look, Denise,
13:50perhaps I had better go home.
13:51It would be unlucky
13:52for me to see you
13:53in that wedding dress,
13:54particularly in view
13:55of the way
13:55that you are acquiring it.
13:57Perhaps you are right.
13:58And if you were here,
13:59the bonds of my self-control
14:01would surely bust
14:02and I would throw myself
14:03upon you
14:04as if I were one
14:05of the cage lions
14:06that I used to train.
14:07Yes, well,
14:09there is that as well.
14:11Now, look,
14:11you have a good week
14:12blowing things up
14:13and I will see you
14:15at the church on Saturday.
14:16It will be so.
14:20Until then.
14:21Oh, yes,
14:24she's very keen.
14:28She's demented about you.
14:30Surely there must be
14:31somebody else
14:31that she fancies.
14:33There was but one man
14:34in her life
14:35and he let her down.
14:37He was dead
14:38as he hit the ground.
14:39Heart attack?
14:40She threw him
14:41off the Eiffel Tower.
14:42That is enough
14:44to give anybody
14:44a heart attack.
14:46I'll see you Saturday.
14:50Good morning.
14:55It's that undertaker trap
14:56you're going to the cafe.
14:59I hope the old girl
15:00hasn't snuffed it.
15:02Least as she has,
15:03we get a bed.
15:05Not sharing with you again.
15:08I'll take it in turns.
15:10Anyway,
15:10we're going to give ourselves up
15:11so it doesn't apply.
15:20My, my,
15:21those peaches
15:22look most appetizing.
15:24We will have two.
15:25How much is that?
15:27Do not pay.
15:29We are the conquerors.
15:30If we wish to consume
15:31a couple of peaches,
15:33we may do so.
15:35Come on!
15:37You are far too lenient
15:39with these peasants.
15:40Yes, General.
15:40I will be more
15:42stern in the future.
15:44Good.
15:44Beyond danger
15:45of becoming a laughingstock.
15:47I agree.
15:48The French are becoming
15:48very cheeky.
15:51Putting smoke bombs
15:52down my chimney
15:52is more than cheeky,
15:53Colonel.
15:54Too easygoing.
15:55You must be much more
15:56severe with them.
15:57Is this understood?
15:58Yes, General.
15:59Good.
16:00Let it be done.
16:02Here comes some
16:02Jerry officers.
16:03Shall we do it?
16:04Yes, let's.
16:06Excuse me.
16:08We are British airmen.
16:11We wish to surrender.
16:14Impartinent peasants.
16:16You are being
16:17very cheeky.
16:19Oh, ouch.
16:20Ouch.
16:21Oh, that's so steady.
16:22Oh, that hurts.
16:23That was excellent.
16:25Don't teach them.
16:26Make a note of his number
16:31and we'll report him
16:32to the Geneva Convention.
16:35I say, look,
16:36there's an eye tie, officer.
16:39What's eye tie
16:40for eye surrender?
16:41Most of those ice cream sellers
16:42speak a bit of English.
16:44Come on.
16:48We, British.
16:50Surrender, surrender.
16:51No, the chute.
16:52It's a fair cup.
16:55What's we do now?
16:57Walk the other way.
17:03Mama,
17:04Monsieur Alphonse,
17:05the undertaker
17:05is here to pay his respects.
17:08I am five foot two.
17:10Tell him to go away.
17:12Dear Madame Fanny,
17:15I bring flowers
17:16to the beautiful lady
17:17who may, pray God,
17:19soon be my mother-in-law.
17:20Oh, what is he saying?
17:22Has René kicked the bucket?
17:24She don't know, Mama,
17:25but it is possible.
17:27The communists have him
17:28and he is on their hit list.
17:30Better dead than red.
17:33In anticipation
17:33of this distressing news,
17:36I have the honour
17:37to ask for your daughter's hand
17:39in wedlock.
17:40Oh, what'll become of me?
17:43There is a granny annex
17:44over the mortuary.
17:47Permission not granted.
17:49You may live here,
17:51anywhere you want.
17:52What would satisfy you?
17:54Ah, well,
17:55a cottage
17:56with roses,
17:58runs at all,
17:59a personal servant
18:01and, um,
18:02and some chauffeur
18:04to push my wheelchair.
18:07You drive hard,
18:08bargain, madame,
18:08but I agree to your terms.
18:10Oh, well,
18:11you have my permission.
18:13Oh, thank you, Mama.
18:15We will lay the first brick
18:16immediately.
18:16The war is over.
18:18No, no, no, no.
18:18No, the foundations
18:20must be laid
18:21immediately
18:22after the wedding.
18:24Getting laid
18:25after the war
18:26will be no good to me.
18:27I agree.
18:39Yvette.
18:41Rene.
18:42Back from the dead.
18:44Oh, I thought
18:45you would never again
18:46walk through that door.
18:48Me too.
18:49Oh, Rene.
18:51Hold me.
18:52Crush me
18:53in your vice-like grip.
18:54Oh, how I have missed
19:01the smell of garlic
19:02and air oil.
19:05Oh, promise me
19:06you will never
19:07leave me again.
19:08Well, I am certainly
19:09available until Saturday.
19:12Where is Edith?
19:13She is upstairs
19:14with your mother-in-law.
19:16Tell her I have returned
19:17from the grave.
19:21Rene,
19:22will you tell her today
19:23that we plan to marry?
19:25I will tell her
19:26that there are
19:26marriage plans afoot.
19:28Now, go quickly.
19:39Rene.
19:40Mimi.
19:41Is this a ghost
19:42I see before me
19:43or just a figment
19:45of my tortured mind?
19:47No, it is
19:48your own lovable Rene.
19:49Oh, let my lips
19:52find your lips.
19:53Let my arms
19:54find your arms.
19:55Let my heart
19:56beat in time
19:57with your heart.
19:58Well, this may not
19:59be easy
19:59but we can practice.
20:00I cannot hear your heart
20:08at all.
20:09You are listening
20:10to my appendix.
20:14Thank you for your
20:15blessing, Mama.
20:16Do it quickly,
20:17my children.
20:19We intend to.
20:19Oh, I was young
20:24and impetuous
20:25at your age
20:26and it lasted
20:27until I was
20:28nearly
20:30his age.
20:35Edith,
20:36Rene,
20:36he is down below.
20:38I am not surprised.
20:40He's not so tight
20:40to go to heaven.
20:41No, he has been
20:44released unharmed.
20:46Stretch.
20:48Oh, Monsieur Alphonse
20:50is overcome
20:50with the good news.
20:51It is my dicky,
20:52ticker.
20:52Oh, quick,
20:53have a back seat.
20:54Ah!
20:57No.
21:02So,
21:03I turn my back
21:04for one minute
21:04and this is what happens.
21:07Do you not realise
21:08you can be seen
21:09from the belfry
21:10of the church
21:10by the verger
21:11when he is oiling
21:11his mechanism?
21:14He has a dicky-ticker.
21:16In bed with your mother,
21:17I am not surprised.
21:20Forgive me, Monsieur.
21:21It was a shock.
21:22I am now
21:23fully recovered.
21:24Good.
21:24Edith,
21:25sit down.
21:26Now, Edith,
21:27what I am about
21:28to say to you
21:28may come as a surprise.
21:30It has been arranged
21:31for me to marry
21:32at the Church of St. Paul
21:33in the Rue de Valle
21:35next Saturday morning.
21:37Oh, Rene.
21:38Edith,
21:41the person I am
21:42to marry,
21:44my bride-to-be,
21:46oh, this is not easy
21:47for me to say.
21:48Oh, be kind, Rene.
21:49I will leave the room.
21:52Do not worry, Rene,
21:53my dearest heart.
21:54Words are not necessary.
21:56This is the moment
21:57I have been waiting for,
21:59for what seems
21:59like a lifetime,
22:00but is, in fact,
22:02nine and a half weeks.
22:04They do not make
22:05this difficult for me.
22:07Under threat of death,
22:08I have to marry
22:09the head
22:09of the Communist Resistance.
22:11You have to marry
22:12the head
22:13of the Communist Resistance?
22:16Edward Scarface Sablan?
22:21No, he is
22:22the Paris branch.
22:24I am talking about
22:25the Nuvion West sub-area.
22:26They are affiliated to Paris,
22:28but they work independently.
22:30Me, but will you come
22:31to the point?
22:32Who are you going to marry?
22:35I am to wed
22:36Denise La Roque.
22:37Oh, no.
22:39No.
22:40Yes.
22:41If I do not do
22:42this terrible thing,
22:43I am a dead duck.
22:44No man has ever said no
22:46to Denise La Roque
22:46and lived.
22:47Oh, my ticky tickle.
22:51Wedder me this.
22:52Do not distrust yourself.
22:56Do not see.
22:58All our dreams
22:59can now be fulfilled.
23:00Oh, I see that
23:02you have told her
23:03that you are to marry me.
23:04Do not worry,
23:06my mother of Denise.
23:07I will make him
23:08a wonderful wife.
23:10What?
23:11You!
23:12Ready?
23:13What have you
23:14got to say for yourself?
23:16Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:18Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:18Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:20Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:21Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:22Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:23Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:24Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:25Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:26Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:27Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:28Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:29Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:30Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:31Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:32Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:33Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:34Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:35Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:36Oh, my dicky tickle.
23:37Oh, my dicky tickle.
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