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Tv, 'Allo 'Allo- S5E04 - Return of the Paintings
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00:00www.feyyaz.co.uk
00:24Quick, take this fire extinguisher. Follow the general.
00:28That way.
00:32Where are you going?
00:34I was just going out for a little fresh air.
00:36The smoke was getting in my lungs.
00:38You are here to blow the safe. Get on with it.
00:40Or you will die at the hands of the resistance.
00:42My lungs have cleared.
00:44Here, give me enough with this.
00:48Right. Now.
00:50There is the safe.
00:52Get to work with this explosive. Here.
00:54There is very little time for me to tell you
00:58exactly what is going on.
01:00Suffice it to say that we are going to blow up this safe
01:02so that we can photograph the plans
01:04for the German invasion of England which are inside it.
01:06Detonator.
01:08My wife, Edith, has caused a diversion by dropping a smoke bomb
01:12from the roof down the chimney.
01:14Naturally, she dropped it down the wrong chimney.
01:18Let us just hope that it keeps General Von Klinker often busy
01:20for long enough for us to make the explosion and get out of here.
01:22Fuse.
01:24Right.
01:26There is the fire. Extinguish it.
01:28In your efforts to prevent the General from making Amaro's advances,
01:31you have gone too far.
01:33I am not responsible for that.
01:35Do you think I will start a fire and ruin my own music?
01:39Write the plinger and direct the nizzle at the muddle of the fear.
01:43Get out of my way. I can spray this only once.
01:57This is definitely the work of the resistance.
02:00Hmm.
02:01Anyone looking suspicious will be shot.
02:03Especially gypsies.
02:05You are right. We will scarper.
02:08Create a diversion.
02:10Oh! The smoke! The smoke!
02:12I am overcome!
02:14Oh!
02:15I will hold you! Never fear!
02:19Where are those gypsies?
02:21I did not see.
02:22I have been busy watering the fire.
02:24There is some noise!
02:27Matches.
02:34How long will it take?
02:36Not long.
02:37We will hide outside the door.
02:40Somebody is coming!
02:41They will see the safe.
02:42Quick! The wardrobe!
02:43The wardrobe!
02:44The wardrobe?
02:45Yes.
02:46Let me hear you.
02:47Not inside it, you stupid uncle.
02:48Oh!
02:49Oh!
02:50Oh!
02:51Oh!
02:52Oh!
02:53Oh!
02:54Oh!
02:55Oh!
02:56Quick!
02:57Quick!
02:58Hiding one of the wolves!
02:59Quick!
03:00Under the bed!
03:01Under the bed!
03:03Lock the door!
03:05There is no key!
03:06Someone is coming!
03:08Shall we hide under the bed?
03:10No, that is the first place they will look.
03:12Hide in the wardrobe.
03:13Hide in the wardrobe.
03:14You must get out of these gypsy clothes as quickly as possible.
03:19Well, they are out of their clothes.
03:20Off the door!
03:21Don't miss, Jimmy!
03:22I heard the boys are very bleak!
03:24Tell this one, I cannot grab three.
03:25And the general!
03:26Well, they are out of their clothes.
03:37Down this chimney I heard the boys are very bleak.
03:41Down this one I can eat Crabtree and the general.
03:45I think the operation is not going according to plan.
03:48Does it ever?
03:49It is best that we scrap her.
03:52Look, Crabtree. Follow me. There is a ladder.
03:59Oh, there is at the foot of this ladder a fire engine.
04:03We will commandeer it.
04:08Quick. The safe. Go.
04:13Now, you remove the plans. I will prepare the camera.
04:17There are no plans.
04:22What?
04:23Only these two old paintings.
04:25What?
04:26The fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Gogh.
04:30If this is the crack of us with the big daisies by Van Gogh.
04:34Well, these must be two more forgeries.
04:36But what are they doing in a safe in the bedroom of Lieutenant Gruber?
04:40There.
04:41If they are forgeries, why keep them in the safe?
04:45Gruber, where did that explosion come from?
04:47I see if it came from my bedroom, General.
04:49Quick, the bed!
04:55Oh, dear. Somebody has tempered with the safe.
04:59General, I'm afraid our paintings have gone.
05:04I trust they were forgeries.
05:06No, they were the originals.
05:08Which I retained for you because you said that if I did not do so,
05:12you would send me to the Russian front.
05:14Are you absolutely certain that the originals were in the safe?
05:17Positive, General. All the others are forgeries.
05:19The colonel thinks he has the Van Gogh, but that too is a forgery.
05:23This is very serious. Especially for you, Gruber.
05:26You could find yourself in Vladivostok by next week.
05:29This must be the work of the Resistance.
05:33Put a cordon round the area.
05:35Red roadblocks.
05:36Arrest anyone who is not in uniform.
05:40The fire is out. We have done our duty as firemen.
05:43We will now climb down the lidder and goo.
05:51Where is the fire engine?
05:54Somebody has driven it a wound.
05:56It must be the gypsies.
06:01Guards! Arrest all gypsies driving fire engines.
06:06We will have to Wickholm.
06:09You are right, Gruber. The Resistance must be behind this.
06:12Come to my office.
06:13We will instruct our patrols to arrest anyone not wearing a German uniform.
06:16Those paintings must be recovered.
06:17I have an idea. If we give them back the paintings, they will let us go.
06:32Yes, in coffins.
06:34If they capture us dressed like this, goodness knows what they will do to us.
06:37Here, get that fireman's stuff up, quick. Put this on.
06:42Now, get that on.
06:43Of course.
06:44Have you seen Nanny?
06:45He has not come back here.
06:46I fear he is still trapped in the chateau.
06:48I will go at once to the chateau.
06:49I will knife the guards. I will shoot the general. I will blow up the chateau and rescue him.
06:53With you here we do not need anyone else in the war.
06:57Someone is coming.
06:59Oh, it is probably him.
07:02It is Michelle, with that British idiot crabtree.
07:04I will shoot the general. I will blow up the shuttle and rescue him.
07:08With you here, we do not need anyone else in the war.
07:12Someone is coming.
07:13Oh, it is probably him.
07:15It is Michelle, with that British idiot Crabtree.
07:22We have just had a very narrow squawk.
07:27The plan has gone wrong. My husband has not returned.
07:30That is because some idiot put the smoke bomb down the wrong chimney.
07:33Which one of you was responsible?
07:36I cannot say, but it was not me.
07:41It is I am to blame. I am the one who screwed it up.
07:45If only I could be with you, Rennie, now in your hour of peril.
07:49Let us all say a little prayer for him.
07:57Good luck, Rennie.
08:03We are nearly there.
08:08Oh, two German guards.
08:11Oh, heck.
08:13Behave like a German officer.
08:15How can I? I have no trousers on.
08:17Bend your knees and your coat will cover your boots.
08:21All right.
08:30My little. My little.
08:31There is more Germans outside the cafe.
08:38Quick, into the back of this, Larry.
08:42Oh, good evening.
08:45We, er, you are probably wondering why we are dressed as German officers.
08:57All German officers dress this way.
08:59You can drop the French accent.
09:00It does not fool us for one moment.
09:02Put up your hands.
09:03No, look, you, you, you have got the wrong idea.
09:06We are French.
09:07Yes.
09:08Just go into the little cafe in there and ask.
09:11Café Rennie.
09:12We are the communist resistance.
09:14We would not set foot in the cafe of that collaborated dog
09:16who entertains the Germans every night.
09:19One day we will kill him and hang his body from a lamppost.
09:22Now, do not waste our time.
09:24What is your name?
09:25Captain Von Schmittelhofen.
09:28That is a better word.
09:30Oh, excuse me, please.
09:32Would you shoot also Rennies Pianist?
09:35Of course.
09:37Oh.
09:39Herman Von Beckstein at yourself.
09:42Drive on.
09:46Craig!
09:48Craig!
09:49Oh!
09:55In Rome is a wonderful life for a soldier.
10:06I walk down the street from every window, flowers, they fall at my feet.
10:11At every doorway, they drag me inside for the hugs and the kisses and the hunky-punky.
10:18This must make the girls very jealous.
10:21Oh, Colonel.
10:23Oh.
10:24All the time you laugh, you pull the leg, you take the mickey.
10:28That's what I like about all you krauts.
10:33Colonel, Lieutenant Gruber wishes to see you.
10:36Send him in.
10:39Come in here!
10:43Gruber, are you leaving?
10:45Colonel, I have serious news.
10:47Don't tell me you just shot your tailor.
10:50It's okay. You deserve it.
10:53I have not shot my tailor.
10:56Don't tell me the war is over.
10:58My uniform was stolen last night.
11:01That's not too serious, Gruber.
11:03I can always buy another.
11:05Clarence is even now pressing my spare.
11:07But I have even more serious news.
11:10However, it is not for the ears of an eye-tie.
11:13I try.
11:15I take the hint.
11:17I go.
11:19I chat up the beautiful ladies.
11:22I drive them mad.
11:31Also stolen from my safe was the painting of the cracked vase with the big daisies by Van Gogh.
11:37Never mind. The original is here in my drawer.
11:40They have also stolen the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klump.
11:45Fortunately, Gruber, the original is in a sausage in Rene's pantry.
11:49None of this is very serious.
11:51Colonel, it appears that Lieutenant Gruber, in all our interests, and not trusting drawers or sausages,
11:57has retained the originals very securely in a safe in his bedroom.
12:02From which they have been stolen.
12:05With all this deception, how do I know that you are now telling the truth?
12:09Because if I do not recover the originals for General von Klinkhofen, I will be sent to the Russian Front.
12:15Gruber, would I be right in thinking that you've been double-crossing us with the General?
12:19No, I had intended to replace them with forgeries.
12:24Which you can still do. I have one forgery here. Rene has the other.
12:28But we still don't have the originals to sell after the war to share between us.
12:33That's all very simple. One person can sort it all out for us. Rene.
12:37Rene has disappeared.
12:40We have a problem.
12:41Rene, what are you looking at?
12:51While they were strapping you to this infernal machine, I tucked the paintings up behind the beams.
12:56Can you see them from there?
13:00No.
13:02Good. Let us hope that the Communists cannot see them either.
13:05What do you think they are going to do to us, Rene?
13:08Well, they hate Germans.
13:11They will probably shoot us.
13:13Yes. If they find out that I am Rene from the cafe, they will also shoot us.
13:17We've got to get out of here. Can you not wriggle out of your bonds or something?
13:21I'm trying. I'm trying. But I have an idea.
13:24What?
13:26If I think I can reach the saw, if I can switch on the motor, maybe I can cut the bonds that bind my wrists, eh?
13:34Good. But be careful not to cut yourself.
13:40There. There is a red button and a green button.
13:45Well, press the green button.
13:47Rene.
13:53You see? It works. It works.
13:55Good.
13:56Good.
13:57Good.
14:01I cannot reach the blade.
14:03Well, press that red button and switch it off before anybody hears us.
14:06Shhh!
14:08Ah!
14:10Ah!
14:12It's the trigger! It's the trigger!
14:14It's the trigger!
14:16Watch out!
14:18I'm losing the feeling in my fingers!
14:20What do you think I am going to be losing?
14:22Press the button!
14:24Press the button!
14:26I'm trying!
14:28No!
14:29I'm losing the feeling in my hands.
14:30No!
14:32No!
14:34No!
14:36No!
14:37No!
14:39No!
14:41No!
14:42No!
14:52No!
14:54No!
14:56Get out!
14:57so rather than talk to me you are trying to commit suicide
15:08it will not work my friend
15:12ten seconds later and nothing would have worked
15:22you are one minute late Helga
15:24what kept you there was a cue at the chemist several French peasants quite
15:30severely so that they would let a lady go first
15:33your aspirins how is your head it is very painful it was struck a glancing blow by
15:39a coat hanger unfortunately a one small house and took the full blast of the
15:43explosion I have spent several hours with my Gestapo tweezers pulling small
15:51particles of wardrobe from his anatomy
15:54may I make you a cup of tea the kettle is already singing use the small pot with the swastika on the lid
16:02while you are performing this simple task listen to what I say
16:06yes Evelyn I have analyzed the situation question what was the explosive doing in the wardrobe answer it was
16:15hidden there in readiness for the blowing up of the Führer question who hid it answer I have not the faintest idea
16:24the finger of suspicion points at Goober conclusion you Helga must get close to Goober and
16:33worm your way into his confidence by becoming his closest companion but he is not very keen on women of the opposite sex
16:40you are talking to a man who has just been blown out of Goober's closet it is up to you to play your part
16:48as you wish Hevlich Indian or China I would prefer Lapsan Souchon
16:54what are you both crying about poor René how can we carry on without him his finger press that very button to open the till he wipes the bar with this glove shall I ever again peel his arms around me
17:18we should light a candle for him oh that is a lovely idea but we cannot go to church now it is opening time
17:28there are some candles here behind the bar let us each light one to show how we remember him
17:35I light this candle for René to show how I remember him
17:43I light this candle for René to show how I remember him
17:56I light this candle for René to show how I remember him
18:12How come you have such a big one?
18:18You have only been here three weeks.
18:21I remember him very well.
18:25Here comes the colonel.
18:29Madame Edith, this is an official visit.
18:32I must speak to René at once.
18:33But he is not here. You have captured him.
18:36No, no, we haven't.
18:37Oh, yes, you have.
18:38He went to the chateau to put out a fire. He has not returned.
18:41This is very serious.
18:44Coinciding with René's visit to the chateau, there are paintings missing.
18:48The original paintings.
18:49Not the painting of the foyer Madonna with the big boobies.
18:52The very same.
18:53And the cracked vase with the big daisies.
18:55It would appear he's absconded with them.
18:58But we were all to share in the proceeds after the war.
19:01I think he has double-crossed you.
19:04The rat.
19:08We will help you find him.
19:10Let us know the instant you have any information.
19:15Good morning, colonel.
19:16Good morning, Helga.
19:19Are you going to buy me a drink, you great big hunk of man?
19:27Are you talking to me?
19:29You have an elegant and nonchalant manner, which I find most exciting.
19:33Oh?
19:34What are you having?
19:35A small port and lemon.
19:37My favourite drink.
19:41Do you have a light?
19:43Oh, um...
19:44Sorry.
19:47Poof!
19:49Ah.
19:51My favourite...
19:52My favourite brand.
19:55Let us sit down and see what else we have in common.
19:57Well, uh...
19:59I like Berlin in June.
20:03How about you?
20:06I like a Mozart tune.
20:09How about you?
20:10I'm mad about good books.
20:13I cannot get my fill.
20:14And Adolf Hitler's looks?
20:15They give me a chill.
20:19I must speak with you.
20:21In the back room.
20:25Have you news, René?
20:26Listen very carefully.
20:28I shall say this only once.
20:30René has been captured by the Communist Resistance.
20:32No.
20:33Yes.
20:34They are led by Denise La Roche.
20:36She is a fanatic.
20:38Her group is the most ruthless in France.
20:40They ate everybody.
20:42Especially Conservatives.
20:44He was captured wearing a German uniform,
20:47escaping from the chateau.
20:48They think he is a Nazi.
20:49Can you not tell them that he is René from the café?
20:52Yes.
20:53But René from the café is on their eat list as a collaborator.
20:57Where are they holding him?
20:59They are hiding him in the old sawmill east of Nouvion.
21:02We will storm the sawmill and rescue him.
21:05Yes.
21:06We will storm the sawmill and rescue him.
21:10How shall we storm the sawmill?
21:13Outside, it's Gorba's little tank.
21:15We will steal it.
21:17If necessary, we will use the big gun and blow them to pieces.
21:22They are all Frenchmen.
21:24They are the wrong Frenchmen.
21:26It is a good plan.
21:27Go quickly.
21:28Are you not coming with us?
21:30I cannot.
21:31I have a dinner party for the Rouen Resistance.
21:33The stew is in the oven.
21:35All right.
21:37Follow me.
21:47Hole hotla.
21:53Do you not hole hotla?
21:56Me?
21:57I am Italiano.
22:00You not see the cockerel feathers, eh?
22:02Well, in that case, hole missaloonie.
22:05I am Jadi.
22:07Yes.
22:16Quick!
22:17No one is aboard.
22:20Quick!
22:21Start up!
22:23I cannot.
22:24Why not?
22:25Have you left your nerve?
22:27My feet were not to reach the pedals.
22:29move over
22:32Helga
22:39I think my engine is warming up
22:42it was my dearest wish that this would happen
22:49my tank
22:50my little tank
22:52right
22:54I'm ready
22:56hold tight
22:58there is obviously no piss for the wicked
23:15I'm ready
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