- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E14
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TVTranscript
00:01Dick, the mail's here.
00:03Ooh, it's my package from the Carousel CD Club.
00:06You infiltrated a club?
00:07Good work, Harry.
00:09I got ten CDs for one penny.
00:12All I've gotta do is buy eight more at regular store prices,
00:14which are often at or below retail store prices.
00:19Way to go.
00:20Like taking candy from a baby.
00:22It's primitive technology.
00:24I wonder if the people on this planet
00:25will ever discover the superior sound of vinyl.
00:29So what kind of music did you get?
00:31I just told them to surprise me.
00:35Well, this is surprising.
00:38Uh, why am I doing this?
00:42Same reason I'm doing this, I suppose.
00:48This is very powerful.
00:50I'm feeling funky.
00:54I can't stop!
00:55Don't be panicked!
00:56Let's get out of here!
01:06As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
01:10This is the story of four such explorers.
01:16This is the story of four such explorers.
01:44Richard wheat flour,
01:46butylated hydroxyanosol,
01:48sodium acid pyrophosphate.
01:52Needs more butylated hydroxyanosol.
01:56Isn't this interesting?
01:58They opened up a hard rock cafe in Vietnam.
02:02The world has changed, huh?
02:04Sure has.
02:06Once it was completely covered with ice.
02:10The administration office called.
02:12They contacted Stanford about transferring your graduate records,
02:15but they don't seem to have them.
02:16Are you implying that I don't have records?
02:18All humans have records and I'm a human, therefore I have records.
02:21I'm sorry, but Stanford says they have no record of you at all.
02:24Oh, those incompetents!
02:25Do I have to fly out to Denver and straighten this out myself?
02:29Stanford's in California, not Denver.
02:32Well, that explains it.
02:33They lost my records in the move.
02:36So, you were at Stanford in the 60s.
02:39Ah, who wasn't?
02:41I was at Berkeley.
02:42Oh God, that takes me back.
02:44I remember, I was at Stanford once to protest.
02:47There's only two things I know about the 60s.
02:49I wasn't born yet, and no one cares.
02:51Just peace.
02:56I guess you had to be there.
02:58Apparently so.
02:59It was fun though, wasn't it?
03:01Out of control, mind-numbing, self-destructive fun.
03:06Sounds like a cliché, but I actually remember burning my bra
03:09in front of the Lincoln Reflecting Pool.
03:12I hope you had the good sense to jump in and put yourself out.
03:17God, I was a rebel.
03:22I was a rebel.
03:24I was a rebel.
03:25I was a rebel.
03:25How many bones must have Ben ,
03:34have fun before they call him home?
03:42till they call him home.
03:54you wouldn't believe it to look at me now but back then i was a wild woman
03:57if i wanted to do something i just did it did you ever drop acid oh constantly
04:05you did a lot of tripping that's how i dropped the acid
04:09no seriously i want to know were you involved in any movements well uh uh uh this one
04:15always one of my favorites
04:20dr solomon every time i ask you about your past you change the subject you know who really keeps
04:27changing the subject all the time my students one of them is going to alaska so how's your brother
04:32dick i'm here let's go oh you heard him gotta go you call your father dick yeah when he was
04:39younger i used to call him peanut yes well have a run see you tomorrow have a wonderful night bye
04:59this is so sad
05:13what's her complaint she lives in a trailer she could just roll away somewhere and the cd club
05:21would never find her what are you talking about do you have any idea what's involved with this
05:29the paperwork the decisions why didn't i go with the cheese of the month club no guesswork
05:37just cheese
05:41that was a fiasco you're the information officer how can you brief us on american history and leave
05:46out an entire decade so i left out the 60s so what exactly how far back did you establish our
05:51identities five or six months your assignment was to provide full and complete histories for all of us
05:58i had a book report due on are you there god it's me margaret
06:04tommy
06:05i'm not sure you understand the importance of this humans are creations of their past society
06:12culture even biology demand that they carry around their past like baggage and your lack of effort
06:19almost exposed the entire operation fine so from now on my homework comes last those are the house
06:24rules mister hello hello hey i found those books on the 60s oh good good i never mind the bourbon
06:30stains oh thank you mrs d oh the 60s what a lovely lovely decade you know a lot of the
06:37stuff in this
06:37apartment is from the 60s boy classic things never go out of style now those long-haired freaks
06:45thought they were so cool let me tell you one thing i was reading poetry with jack kerouac in a
06:51cage in 1956
06:51both of us buck naked yes madam thank you for that disturbing visual
07:01i didn't hear carouac complain
07:08ah the electric kool-aid acid test getting nostalgic ah yes those were the days my friend
07:16but you know all this uproar all this rhetoric all this talk about mass movements i mean what's
07:22happening here history is made by the individual not by the masses
07:27who said that i did no no where's that from my mouth no somebody said that hello
07:34oh that was me that was me this is so weird
07:43so weird i mean you've been rinsed and hung out to dry think about it dig it babe it's what's
07:51happening history is made by the individual not by the masses who said that i did
08:07what's the matter i couldn't put it together until now it finally clicked the evasiveness
08:15consistencies in your past
08:18dick solomon is a false identity isn't it false identity me
08:25you could have trusted me you know well i i i i i i there are so many people in
08:31the government who
08:31would love to get their hands on you you can't let that happen they parade me around like an animal
08:38don't worry your secret's safe with me manny
08:44manny rosenberg
08:47but i'm not manny rosenberg of course not because manny rosenberg is still being hunted by the fbi
08:57i i for food or sport
09:11this so manny rosenberg was
09:15what
09:18manny rosenberg was an actor
09:21what
09:21excuse me
09:28Okay, where was I?
09:30Okay, Manny Rosenberg was an activist involved in inciting a riot in 1971.
09:35Is there anything else?
09:36I'm looking, I'm looking.
09:37All right.
09:38I found another box in the basement.
09:40What's X-mas?
09:41I don't know, but it's got to be something psychedelic.
09:43Check this out.
09:44This is heavy.
09:45Far out.
09:46My mind is blown.
09:48And who is this?
09:49I think it's Jerry Garcia.
09:54Oh, Dick, look, here's a picture of Manny Rosenberg.
09:56He looks exactly like you.
09:58Damn!
09:59I was supposed to get a completely original body.
10:02Those guys in research can't do anything right.
10:04What do you expect?
10:05They're non-unions.
10:06This could really be trouble.
10:07Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories?
10:09Oh, well, I have them right here.
10:11Legal documents, school records, doctor pictures, the works.
10:15Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for NASA in 74, but was
10:19fired after a minor procurement scandal.
10:21Newspaper clippings are enclosed.
10:23Major burnout led to a string of secondary teaching jobs, yada, yada, yada, ending up
10:26here.
10:27But this is excellent.
10:28What about me?
10:30Sally, stockbroker during the greedy 80s, made and lost several fortunes before psychological
10:34problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
10:39I'm next.
10:41Harry.
10:43Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
10:48Oh, that's gonna hurt.
10:57Oh, Dr. Albright, I'm glad you're here.
10:59Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
11:03Yes, well, I'd like to clear up a few misunderstandings about yesterday.
11:07For some reason, you mistakenly think that I'm this Manny Rosenberg fellow.
11:11Now, I've brought in this documentation to prove that...
11:14Oh, don't even bother.
11:15I told you you could trust me.
11:18You probably don't remember, but we've actually met before.
11:21You spoke at my campus in 69.
11:23Now, you see, that's impossible.
11:25I was in the circus then.
11:27The flying Solomonskis, there were six of us.
11:29Two of us plunged to our deaths.
11:32I don't expect you to remember me, what with all the people you've met.
11:36You're sitting on my desk.
11:38You've never done that before.
11:39Do you remember ever being at Berkeley at a rally?
11:42Dr. Albright, you're not listening to me.
11:44I brought all this in to prove to you that...
11:45Stories you must have.
11:47What?
11:48You know I'd be lying if I said I found this less than intriguing.
12:01Well, all those years on the ground, you do a lot of living.
12:10Harry?
12:12You got another package from the CD club.
12:16I don't have time to listen to the ones I have.
12:20Those demons.
12:21They're not human.
12:23Neither are we.
12:25Well, yeah, but we have an excuse.
12:27Hello.
12:30Well, I'm off to Dr. Albright.
12:32So she bought my phony profile, huh?
12:34Oh, as it turns out, I don't even need it.
12:35She likes me much better now that she thinks I'm Manny.
12:38Oh, great.
12:39So after all I went through creating a background for you,
12:42do you realize I got you a weekend in Cancun with twin gymnasts?
12:47All I got at the orphanage was a beating when I asked for more gruel.
13:01All I got at the orphanage was a big one.
13:21us right now is such
13:23a turn-on. Oh, yes.
13:25And even if I wasn't Manny, it would
13:27be just as exciting. Oh, don't
13:29be silly.
13:31Ooh.
13:33Are these magic
13:35brownies? Pepperidge Farm.
13:39You know,
13:40I think I have something.
13:43I found it when I moved eight years ago.
13:45It's in the freezer. It's a
13:47joint. Ooh.
13:49A doobie. Let's bogart that
13:51fat boy.
13:54You know what I regret?
13:56I never made it to
13:57Woodstock. Ah, yes, Woodstock.
13:59The three-day concert held on a farm
14:01in upstate New York that included many
14:03of the most popular music bands of the time
14:05felt to be the culmination of the
14:07counterculture movement captured by the song
14:09Woodstock by Joni
14:11Mitchell. Found it! The song was
14:13popularized by Crosby, Stills, and Nash
14:15which is ironic since theirs was the more
14:17commercial version which is the antithesis of
14:19the spirit of the festival.
14:22Here we go.
14:24Here we go.
14:36This isn't a joint.
14:38It's a frozen french fry.
14:42Oh, well.
14:43I guess we'll just settle for wine.
14:51You're an inspiration to all
14:53neo-Trotsky-eyed
14:55anti-Stalinist Marxists.
14:57You know, you're pretty tuned in for
14:58bourgeois chick.
15:12Meet me on the waterbed upstairs
15:14in five minutes.
15:15Oh, and, uh,
15:17lose the pins.
15:28What?
15:30Here's to
15:31waterbeds.
15:34Okay.
15:35Here's to
15:37floor lamps.
15:43Hello.
15:44Carousel CD club?
15:46I'll call back later.
15:48Do not hang up at home.
15:49You can do this, Harry.
15:51You can break free.
15:53You can take your mind back.
15:56Or at least what's left of it.
15:58Okay, Sally, I will.
16:00Listen to me, Buster.
16:01I'm not happy, and I want my money back.
16:04Very good.
16:05I'm supposed to press two now.
16:09Yes, hello?
16:10We need to talk.
16:12I'm at a place in my life
16:14where I'm just not ready
16:15for this kind of commitment.
16:17I think it's best that we
16:18break free,
16:20go our separate ways.
16:22You will?
16:24Oh, thanks.
16:26Hmm?
16:28Well,
16:29yes,
16:30I guess I do have a friend
16:32who might be interested.
16:34Her name is
16:35Sally Solomon.
16:44Oh!
16:45Oh, I can't believe
16:47we're doing this.
16:49Your hands are so small
16:50and delicate.
16:53I'm not positive,
16:55but I think I can fit
16:56your entire foot
16:57in my mouth.
16:58Oh!
16:59You are a super freak.
17:02The kind you don't take
17:03home to mother!
17:05Daddy!
17:06Daddy!
17:09Now I'm feeling
17:10a moral dilemma.
17:13I'm not sure
17:13I can go through with this.
17:15My bedroom's upstairs.
17:17Brace you.
17:18Oh!
17:20What the hell?
17:30What the hell?
17:32Hey, don't be uptight, babe.
17:33Leave your hang-ups
17:34in suburbia.
17:37You're leaving?
17:39Bet you're bippy I am.
17:45Hey!
17:46Oh, you miserable creep!
17:48I don't understand!
17:49Think about it!
17:50It's like you put
17:51a purple haze
17:52inside my brain.
17:53Oh, give it a rest.
17:55What did I do wrong?
17:56You know what you did.
17:59Come on, Manny.
18:01Berkeley, 1969.
18:04Oh, you're mad at Manny!
18:08Yes!
18:09Dr. Albright is mad at Manny!
18:12Oh, well, then.
18:14It's okay, because
18:15I have something to tell you
18:17that's gonna straighten
18:18this whole thing out.
18:19I'm not Manny!
18:22Isn't that ironic?
18:24Right.
18:25You're not Manny.
18:27You just look exactly like him,
18:29know everything about his past,
18:31and have been carrying on
18:32this ridiculous charade
18:33for three days.
18:34You know me so well.
18:37Boy, I have been handed
18:40some lame stories in my life,
18:42but you take the cake!
18:43I don't want the cake.
18:45I want you!
18:49Oh, my God.
18:51You are Dick Solomon.
18:55And you let me make
18:57a complete fool of myself!
18:59How could you do that?
19:01I wanted to tell you.
19:02I was going to tell you.
19:03What stopped you?
19:04I thought you might
19:04sleep with me.
19:08Oh.
19:10Now I understand.
19:12Oh, thank goodness.
19:15Get out!
19:16You selfish, inconsiderate,
19:19opportunistic bastard!
19:21You're right.
19:23I guess I'll be going.
19:27About inconsiderate.
19:29I did bring brownies.
19:35I sure am glad
19:36we won't be getting
19:37any more of these CDs
19:38in the mail.
19:39Yeah.
19:40And even if we do,
19:41there's no reason
19:43to think that I would
19:43have anything to do with it.
19:45Because I didn't.
19:48Um, Dick,
19:49someone's here to see you.
19:50I don't want to be seen.
19:51Tell them that I'm not here.
19:52He's not here, Dr. Albright,
19:54so go away.
19:54Mary!
19:56You've come back to me
19:59because you've forgiven me
20:00for what I've done
20:01and because you realize
20:04that my deceit,
20:05although sophomoric,
20:06was meant
20:07as a pure gesture
20:08of affection.
20:09Well, some of that.
20:12Um, would you leave
20:13the two of us alone
20:14for a minute?
20:15Sure.
20:17Remember every word.
20:18We want all the details.
20:19Will do.
20:23Look, I...
20:24I may have overreacted
20:26to this Manny thing.
20:28And I understand
20:30that men have a tendency
20:30to go overboard
20:31to impress me.
20:32I understand that.
20:33The only reason
20:34I pretended to be Manny
20:35is because you liked him
20:37so much more than me.
20:38I wouldn't go that far.
20:40Manny wasn't what he seemed,
20:42but you are exactly
20:43what you seem.
20:45And I'll admit
20:46that, uh,
20:47your lack of nuance
20:48is refreshing.
20:49Oh, damn!
20:50I think I'm wearing
20:51Harry's underwear again.
20:53Well,
20:54a little nuance
20:55wouldn't hurt.
20:56So we're still friends?
20:59Peace.
21:13Peace.
21:15Peace.
21:17Peace.
21:20Peace.
21:25Peace.
21:27Peace.
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