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Tv, 'Allo 'Allo - S5E08 - The Long-Distance Duck
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00:00You find me lying here
00:29like a derelict old bum
00:31and it might be that you think my appearance
00:33mystifying. The reason
00:35is as follows. I fell
00:37off the back of a lorry
00:38or more accurately I was thrown off the back of a lorry
00:41by Denise LaRocque, the head of the
00:43communist resistance, who is madly
00:45in love with me. But for the
00:47intervention of my wife Edith and my waitresses
00:49she would have married me.
00:51She has now sworn to have her revenge upon
00:53these interfering females by killing
00:55them. I'd love to break the news
00:57to them and warn them.
00:59Stop!
01:05I am acting on the orders of
01:07Herr Flick. It was the
01:09people who threw you out of that truck.
01:11The communist
01:12resistance? No,
01:15no, they were wholesale vegetable
01:16sellers. We fell out over the price
01:18of spring greens.
01:21At least I fell out.
01:22Move along.
01:27You are causing an
01:29obstruction.
01:31Piddle your religious massages
01:33elsewhere.
01:33The end of the world is nigh, vengeance is
01:41mine, and a little bit of what you fancy does you
01:45good.
01:45I have the British earmen in a sill at the police station.
01:53Well, keep them there.
01:55I cannot. To detone them more than 24 hours is against the loo.
01:59I will return them to you as soon as pissable.
02:04Yes, and I shall send them back to you as soon as pissable.
02:11Rene, you are back.
02:17Thank heavens you are safe.
02:19We saw you taken onto the truck.
02:21I thought I would never see you again.
02:23I have bad news.
02:24The lives of those nearest and dearest to me
02:26are in danger.
02:28Do they know where I live?
02:29Not you, Edith, and the girls.
02:32Why are our lives in danger?
02:34Because you all contrive to screw up my wedding to
02:36Mademoiselle LaRocque.
02:37She is not pleased.
02:38She has vowed to kill you all.
02:40You first.
02:42Right.
02:43That is it.
02:45The Spanish border cannot be far away.
02:48If I walk all day and crawl all night,
02:51I should be there by Christmas.
02:53You will never get to the end of the street.
02:55The communists have gunpersons everywhere.
02:57And I will disguise myself.
03:00I think if there is to be any shooting,
03:02we should go.
03:05May I say that I am most relieved
03:08that you no longer have to disguise yourself
03:09as a bent old man.
03:14I was just old.
03:17Well, it is good that you are not in danger.
03:20We are in danger?
03:22Yes, but there is much unemployment.
03:24Patresses can be replaced.
03:25René is one of a kind.
03:31Is this then the best photograph
03:33that you could get?
03:34With respect, Herr Flick,
03:35I could hardly ask the communist resistance
03:37to pose.
03:39All you have got is one communist hand.
03:43Hans Mollhausen,
03:43there are 50 million people in France.
03:46Most of them have two hands.
03:48That makes 100 million hands.
03:50Identifying this one hand
03:52will be quite a task.
03:54Is it a long-term, Flick?
03:57Go to it.
04:01It would appear from your report
04:03that René is no longer in danger.
04:05This is so, Colonel.
04:06And we know now
04:07that the real paintings
04:08are hidden in the headquarters
04:09of the communist resistance.
04:11But where and how do we get them?
04:14General von Klinkerhofen.
04:19Hi, Hitler.
04:20Hi, Hitler.
04:20Hi, Hitler.
04:23Hello, woman of the streets.
04:25Are you interrogating her
04:27or just having a rather amusing time?
04:30It is I, Helga.
04:33Oh, by golly, so it is.
04:35On the orders of the colonel
04:36and in the guise of a woman
04:37of the streets,
04:38I have been following a peasant
04:39in the hopes of tracing
04:40the missing paintings.
04:41And were you successful?
04:43As a woman of the streets, no.
04:47Could we have a lead
04:47to the whereabouts
04:48of the paintings?
04:49Good, where are they?
04:50They're still in France.
04:52Could you perhaps
04:53be a little more specific?
04:55Not at the moment.
04:57We're working on it.
04:58Good.
04:59Sit.
05:02Sorry, our dinner
05:03at the chateau
05:03was interrupted.
05:04We must try again.
05:06Hold on to that outfit.
05:08We can have
05:08a private fancy dress party.
05:10Oh, what fun.
05:12What will be the theme?
05:14Tarts and vickers.
05:17May I get changed now, Colonel?
05:19Yes, Helga.
05:20Take your clothes.
05:24Where are you going?
05:26To my office, to change.
05:27The guards might see you.
05:29Change here.
05:30Very foul, General.
05:31Don't lie.
05:32I will not look.
05:33Yes, General.
05:35Now then, Colonel.
05:36I have important information
05:37for you.
05:38I've had communications
05:39from Berlin
05:40regarding the invasion.
05:42Ah, yes.
05:43There is a rumour
05:43it has been temporarily
05:44suspended.
05:48Suspended.
05:49This is not true.
05:52The generals will be meeting
05:53here at my chateau
05:54to evaluate the situation.
05:56As local commander,
05:57you will, of course,
05:57be present.
05:58It will be a great honour
06:00to be among the top bra.
06:01The major decisions are
06:07A, the date
06:09and B, the plan
06:11and invasion force
06:15of the right thighs.
06:19Thighs.
06:21I see.
06:23In my opinion,
06:24the first way
06:24we should contain
06:25at least four
06:26armour divisions
06:27of crack troops.
06:30I agree.
06:31The British won't be able
06:32to resist the panties.
06:33Oh, René.
06:48Oh, Yvette.
06:49Oh.
06:51Oh, René,
06:52I am so frightened.
06:53These communists
06:54say are ruthless.
06:55Oh, do not worry,
06:56my little one.
06:57But I am worried,
06:59my big one.
07:01I hardly dare
07:02to pass a window.
07:03I feed the chickens
07:04with a bucket
07:05over my head
07:05so they do not
07:07recognise me.
07:08And mainly Edith
07:09they are after.
07:10She is at the top
07:11of their eat list.
07:12You are way down
07:13at number two.
07:16Oh, hold me, René.
07:18This moment
07:18may be our last.
07:20Oh.
07:21Oh.
07:22Do you think
07:23we will be able
07:23to do this
07:24when we get to heaven?
07:26Providing they have
07:27a larder, yes.
07:27It is only Michelle.
07:34Listen very carefully.
07:35I shall say this
07:36only once.
07:37Look, Michelle,
07:38it is not always
07:39convenient to have you
07:40barging in on my
07:41private moments.
07:42Could you not make
07:43an appointment?
07:44The German generals
07:45will be meeting
07:45at the chateau
07:46to discuss the plans
07:47for the invasion
07:48of England.
07:49The maps will be
07:49on the table.
07:51Somehow we must
07:51photograph them.
07:53Why are you
07:53telling me all this?
07:55Because you will
07:55be asked to do
07:56the catering.
07:57How do you know
07:58there are three
07:58other catering firms
07:59in Nouvion?
08:00Your estimate
08:01will be the lowest
08:02or else the others
08:03will be burned down
08:04for collaborating.
08:06Look, Michelle,
08:07you really must try
08:08to find somebody else
08:09to do this dangerous work.
08:10I am a mass of nerves.
08:12I have a twitch.
08:12Look.
08:14Also, the moment
08:15I am under stress
08:16I break out
08:17in little lumps.
08:19This is true.
08:21Further details
08:22will be supplied
08:23nearer the time.
08:24No, Michelle,
08:24look up.
08:26She has gone.
08:33What do you mean?
08:39You have frightened
08:40this poor girl
08:40out of her life.
08:41Once again,
08:42I find you being
08:43unfaithful to
08:44Madame Edith,
08:45the woman I love.
08:46How dare you
08:47enter my private pantry?
08:49It is a Frenchman's
08:50prerogative
08:51to have a go
08:51at the servants.
08:53Where is Madame Edith?
08:54Under threat of death
08:55from the communists,
08:56she has disappeared.
08:57Oh, it is my dearest
08:58wish to protect her.
09:00I shall throw my body
09:01in front of hers
09:02to receive
09:03the assassin's bullets.
09:04But of course,
09:05having rheumatism
09:07and a dicky-ticky,
09:08I shall have to do it slowly.
09:12Michelle Leclerc?
09:13Yeah?
09:14If Madame Edith is not here,
09:16she will not be able to sing.
09:17I will be taking her place.
09:22Here is her music.
09:24Now, what key does she sing in?
09:27Well, I have never...
09:29I have never discovered.
09:32Play me a chord.
09:34Oh.
09:34One, two, three, four.
09:41He's up to get under,
09:42get out and get under
09:43to fix his little machine.
09:46A dozen times they start to
09:48have a kiss on it,
09:49the Thanos engine.
09:51In front of his tunnel,
09:52he's up to get under,
09:54get out and get under
09:55to fix his automobile.
09:56Who is that singing my song?
10:12It is Madame Edith.
10:13Now you will be in trouble.
10:15It is safe to come down,
10:16my love.
10:17There are no strangers here.
10:18Oh, poor lady.
10:20How frightened she must be.
10:22The threat of assassination
10:23must weigh heavily upon her.
10:26Already it has aged her considerably.
10:32Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
10:34I did not know you were here.
10:36I have disguised myself as my mother.
10:38She is not on the hit list.
10:40Oh.
10:41The transformation is remarkable.
10:44It will take a few moments
10:45for me to adjust myself.
10:47It is amazing.
10:48The moth has turned back
10:49into a very old caterpillar.
10:53Have these for me.
10:56Since last I held you
10:58in my arms,
11:00time has stood still.
11:02Well, it has galloped on a bit now.
11:05It is.
11:07It is.
11:09That is my mother.
11:10Oh, will no one come
11:11to the assistance
11:12of an old lady
11:13standing here
11:15with no clothes on?
11:17Coming, Mama.
11:20Do not worry, Madam Edith.
11:22You stay out of sight.
11:24Tonight, I will sing
11:25in your place.
11:26No, no.
11:27I shall sing as usual,
11:29whatever fate throws at me.
11:31It is usually bread rolls
11:33and bits of cheese.
11:34You know, the food here
11:42is absolutely dreadful.
11:45It is a complete myth
11:46about French cooking
11:47being the best in the world.
11:49Well, we are in jail.
11:51Yes, my God.
11:52All you can taste is garlic.
11:55If we caught one of the rats,
11:56we could probably
11:57barbecue it over a candle.
11:59Why have you put me
12:01off my soup?
12:03No, I've been thinking.
12:05It's about time
12:06those Americans came in.
12:08They saved us
12:08in the last war.
12:10If they don't hurry up,
12:11there won't be any war left.
12:14Mummy and Daddy
12:15knew I was in jail.
12:16They'd have a fit.
12:17How are you?
12:18It's not going to be
12:18an attack, though, is it?
12:19No, but if it ever comes out
12:21that I've got a prison record,
12:22it could stop me getting
12:23a decent job after the war.
12:26What are you going to do?
12:27I'm going into
12:28the stock exchange.
12:29Oh, they won't mind.
12:36Madame Itis?
12:51Dear beautiful frail lady.
12:54Ah, how ungallant I've been.
13:00How thoughtless.
13:01How cruel.
13:03I now humble myself
13:04before you
13:05because I wish you to know
13:07that I think you are
13:08the most beautiful woman
13:10in the world.
13:10and the most exciting.
13:23I love you as you are now
13:26at the moment.
13:28And whatever ravages time
13:30may wreak on that beautiful
13:32countenance,
13:33I shall always want to hold you
13:36in my arms
13:37to kiss you
13:39and to love you.
13:45Am I forgiven?
13:48Get into bed
13:49and do not tell my daughter.
13:51enter.
13:58Enter.
14:06You sent for me?
14:07Yes.
14:10You may go.
14:11You have been avoiding me lately.
14:19I have been following your orders
14:21to stay close
14:22to Lieutenant Gruber
14:23and the colonel
14:24to gather information
14:25regarding the plot
14:26to blow up Hitler.
14:26And what have you discovered?
14:28Nothing.
14:30Helga,
14:31I have prepared
14:32a very hot iron.
14:35Oh, I've just remembered
14:36the generals
14:37are coming from Berlin
14:38by the meeting of the shuttle.
14:39Good.
14:41While you are telling me about it,
14:43you may iron my shirt.
14:47Oh, what a relief.
14:51Pay attention to the tale.
14:53I hate wrinkly ones.
14:55Do you not have a servant
14:59to do this?
15:00I have advertised
15:01in the local paper
15:02a single Gestapo gentleman
15:04requires willing
15:05and obedient peasant
15:06for menial domestic tasks.
15:09Have you had many replies?
15:11Only one.
15:12It came through the window
15:13on a brick.
15:15Never mind, Affleck.
15:17I consider it an honour
15:18to be pressing the shirt
15:20that will shortly contain
15:21your fiery Gestapo torso.
15:23I thought you would.
15:25Now,
15:26what is the purpose
15:28of this meeting
15:28of the generals?
15:30To discuss the invasion.
15:31Poppycock.
15:33It is my opinion
15:34that they are assembling
15:35to plan the blowing up
15:36of Hitler.
15:38Find out the date
15:39and I will infiltrate
15:40this meeting
15:40if necessary
15:41in disguise.
15:42You take such risks, Affleck.
15:45I find your whole lifestyle
15:47exciting and stimulating
15:48to the nth degree.
15:50You obviously wish
15:51to kiss me.
15:52You may do so.
15:54Thank you, Affleck.
15:55My tail is burning.
16:09So is mine.
16:10I am talking about
16:13my shirt.
16:18Quick, in here.
16:19Look, I have a business
16:20to run.
16:21I am very busy.
16:22René,
16:23if I am to be assassinated,
16:25let me remember
16:26being held in your arms.
16:28Oh, very well.
16:33Oh, Mimi,
16:34your bosoms
16:35are like little rocks.
16:37I have hand grenades
16:39in my pocket.
16:43If the communists
16:44are to capture us,
16:45we will all go together.
16:47Oh, my God.
16:48What is it now?
16:51The RAF
16:52have delivered
16:53the birds
16:53that will carry
16:54the photograph
16:54of the plans
16:55back to England.
16:56It will be delivered today.
16:58Well, for heaven's sake,
16:59label it.
17:00My wife cooked
17:00the last pigeon
17:01for lunch.
17:03It is not a pigeon.
17:04The Germans
17:05are shooting them down.
17:06Then what is it?
17:07It is a long-distance duck.
17:12Now I have heard everything.
17:15Is this duck
17:16supposed to fly
17:16all the way to England?
17:18Should it become exhausted,
17:19it will land
17:20on the English Channel
17:20and have a sleep.
17:22For this reason,
17:24the photographs
17:24will be in
17:25waterproof content.
17:26nice.
17:29René,
17:30that idiot officer
17:31who thinks
17:31he can't speak
17:32French is in the bar.
17:33Oh, I will talk to him.
17:35It will make a nice
17:35change from that idiot
17:36who does speak French.
17:42Good morning.
17:44What do you want?
17:46The British earmen
17:47are complaining
17:48that there is
17:49too much garlic
17:50in their soup.
17:53Garlic in their soup.
17:54they wish you
17:56to send them
17:56a food pistol.
18:00A what?
18:02A food
18:03puzzle.
18:04Oh, my God,
18:05what is this?
18:07Ducks!
18:08Ducks!
18:08Who will buy
18:09my ducks?
18:10Who will buy
18:11a duck
18:12from an old
18:13duck show?
18:13Come over here
18:15by the bar,
18:16old badly disguised
18:18duck seller.
18:20Ducks?
18:21Who will buy
18:22my ducks?
18:22Shut up!
18:24Shh!
18:25It is I,
18:26Leclerc.
18:28Hey,
18:28what is your game?
18:30It is I,
18:31Leclerc.
18:33For you,
18:34a special delivery.
18:35This is to
18:38deliver the
18:38photographs.
18:41Ah, ah!
18:44I have seen
18:45one of these
18:46before.
18:47It is a long
18:48distance dick.
18:53Look out!
18:54Here comes
18:55the Colonel!
18:56Quick,
18:57take this
18:57and put it
18:57in the inn house.
18:58Now!
18:59Ah!
19:00Colonel!
19:01Welcome!
19:02Lieutenant Gruber,
19:03welcome to my
19:03humble cafe.
19:04Come and sit
19:05down,
19:05really.
19:05Always a pleasure,
19:06Colonel.
19:07Yvette,
19:07wine for the
19:08Colonel and
19:09the Lieutenant.
19:09Okay?
19:11What can I do
19:12for you,
19:12Colonel?
19:14Now,
19:15General von
19:15Klingelhofen
19:16is blowing
19:17his top
19:17about the
19:18missing paintings.
19:19We will have
19:20to give him
19:20some forgeries.
19:21Which we will
19:21tell him are
19:22the real paintings.
19:23Which he will
19:24ask Gruber
19:24to vouch for him.
19:25Which I will
19:26do.
19:26Which he will
19:27ask her to
19:27copy.
19:28Which I will
19:28copy.
19:29Which gives
19:30us time to
19:30recover the
19:31originals from
19:31the headquarters
19:32of the
19:32communist
19:33resistance.
19:33The
19:34whereabouts
19:35of which
19:35are known
19:36to you.
19:36Well,
19:37unfortunately,
19:38Colonel,
19:38this is not
19:39true.
19:39I was
19:40blindfolded
19:41and in
19:41a closed
19:41truck.
19:42In which
19:43case,
19:43when they
19:44are recovered,
19:45you will
19:45not get
19:45your share.
19:46You will
19:47be cut out
19:47of the deal.
19:48You will
19:48have,
19:49after the
19:49war,
19:50nothing.
19:51Ah,
19:51well,
19:52fortunately,
19:53I was
19:53captured
19:54along with
19:54Monsieur
19:55Leclerc,
19:55the pianist
19:56who would,
19:56of course,
19:57know the way.
19:58The
19:58coronel
19:59intends to
19:59mount a
20:00small but
20:01carefully planned
20:02operation.
20:03He will
20:03use only a
20:04handful of
20:04carefully selected,
20:05ruthless men.
20:07This is
20:07providing we
20:08can find them.
20:08colonel!
20:12Your
20:13old buddy
20:13Alberto
20:14Bertonelli
20:15is returned
20:15from Roma.
20:19See here,
20:20Mussolini,
20:21he give me
20:22a beautiful
20:22medal,
20:23huh?
20:24We haven't
20:25seen you
20:25since the
20:26air raid.
20:27He thought
20:28you were
20:28gone for
20:28good.
20:30Here,
20:30Roma,
20:30they give me
20:31the finest
20:32crack troops
20:32in all
20:33Italy.
20:33Together,
20:34we take
20:35the boats
20:35and we
20:35invite the
20:36British.
20:37I pick
20:37my men.
20:37each one
20:39with my
20:39own hand.
20:40They are
20:41the ruthless
20:41men.
20:43Gruber,
20:44he has
20:44ruthless
20:45men.
20:49When can
20:49we eat
20:50them?
20:51They were
20:51for you
20:52to make
20:52the
20:52inspection.
20:53Come
20:53out of
20:54the side
20:54and say
20:54hello.
20:55With
20:55pleasure.
20:56I may
20:57have a
20:57job for
20:58them?
20:58They
20:59will
20:59be
20:59cock-o-do-hoop.
21:07Squad!
21:07Mike
21:08deten-tion!
21:10Come on,
21:10come on,
21:10move,
21:11you police!
21:11Come on!
21:13No,
21:14no smoke
21:15or the
21:15figure when
21:15you make
21:16a deten-tion.
21:19Keep
21:19the
21:20matter
21:20quiet.
21:20Stand up.
21:21Colonelo,
21:22come over here.
21:24Meet
21:24my
21:24boys.
21:26Boys,
21:27this
21:27is
21:27Colonelo
21:28von
21:28Strom.
21:28He
21:29is
21:29the
21:29big
21:29noise.
21:30Hey,
21:30Colonelo,
21:31how's it
21:31getting on?
21:33German
21:33army,
21:34fine
21:35out.
21:35Sweet
21:35dad.
21:36Come on,
21:37mate.
21:37Come on,
21:37mate.
21:37Hello.
21:38Hello,
21:39baby.
21:41Great
21:42legs,
21:43huh?
21:45What do you
21:46think of
21:46Colonelo?
21:47They're
21:47great guys,
21:48no?
21:49They're
21:49an absolute
21:50shower.
21:51They're
21:52a shower.
21:53Shambles!
21:54Hey,
21:55what do you
21:55mean,
21:55shambles?
21:56They're
21:57convicts from
21:57the best
21:58prisons in
21:59smaller
21:59Italy.
22:00They
22:01are
22:01meaner.
22:02They
22:02are
22:02tough.
22:03We
22:03are
22:03meaner.
22:04We
22:04are
22:04tough.
22:05We
22:05can
22:05never
22:06get
22:06enough.
22:08Then I
22:09have a
22:09job for
22:09these
22:09men.
22:11Tell
22:11them,
22:11Gruber.
22:13Men,
22:15pay
22:15attention.
22:19I
22:20am
22:20Lieutenant
22:20Gruber.
22:22That
22:23is my
22:23little
22:24tank.
22:26Nice.
22:27Nice
22:28of
22:28high.
22:28with
22:28pretty
22:29pretty.
22:30Thank
22:31you.
22:31Settle
22:31down.
22:32We
22:33have
22:33an
22:33assignment
22:34for
22:34you.
22:35North
22:36east
22:36of this
22:37town
22:37is
22:38the
22:38headquarters
22:39of the
22:40communist
22:40resistance.
22:41We
22:42have
22:42certain
22:43documents
22:44to recover
22:44from
22:45them.
22:46They
22:46are
22:46armed
22:47to
22:47the
22:47teeth
22:47and
22:48like
22:49you
22:49they
22:50are
22:50ruthless
22:50fighters.
22:53To
22:54you
22:54will
22:55go
22:55the
22:55honor
22:56of
22:56attacking
22:57and
22:57defeating
22:58them.
22:59This
22:59is a
22:59great
23:00honor.
23:01Why
23:01you
23:01think
23:01boys
23:02can
23:03we
23:03do
23:03it?
23:04No!
23:05I
23:11talk
23:12of
23:12them
23:12around.
23:15Hey!
23:18Men
23:19after
23:19my
23:19own
23:20art.
Recommended
58:38
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