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00:00May 9th, 2046.
00:08Hello, Nigel Farage here.
00:19I hope this cameo finds you well.
00:22I heard from a friend of yours that it's your special day.
00:25120 years old.
00:27Well, doesn't time fly?
00:28Er, Sir David Attenborough.
00:32Have a pint on me, and hey...
00:37I think I'll join you.
00:58I love being Prime Minister.
01:01Good morning, Sir.
01:06Kenny Badenoff, my trusted deputy, here with my Yorkie bar and morning briefing.
01:12Yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:13Big news day, Prime Minister.
01:15Thanks to our deportations, the population of London is finally down to signal fingers.
01:19Oh, excellent, excellent.
01:31Less straight and a lot of resources.
01:32Exactly.
01:33And one last thing.
01:33King Trump assures us he's almost negotiated a ceasefire over the street of Hormuz.
01:40Oh, that's a lovely photo.
01:44Oh, phew.
01:48For a minute there, it felt like we were on the brink of World War IV.
01:52Oh, you know, Kevvy, we make quite a team, you and I.
01:56We disagree on everything very, very, very slightly.
02:01Yes.
02:02Ever since our parties merged, we've been unstoppable.
02:04Just like the Hantavirus turned out to be.
02:07Oh, it's out of time.
02:09Come on, we're late for the straight pride parade.
02:11Of course.
02:12Oh, let's see what the weather's saying.
02:17Oh, looks a bit chilly.
02:19Summer comes around early every year.
02:26Sakia!
02:31Sakia, we've arrived.
02:32I told you that time machine would work.
02:35So this is really the future, Angela.
02:412046, guys.
02:43Look.
02:44Today's paper.
02:47Oh, crubs.
02:51Farage has been PM'd this whole time.
02:54And look at this.
02:56SNL UK, renewed.
03:06For series three.
03:10Wow, big delay.
03:12Yeah, series two must have been rough.
03:15But why have you brought me here?
03:17You'll remember the 7th of May 2026.
03:20The local council elections.
03:22I'm not totally sure what those are, to be honest.
03:26No one is.
03:27But the results spoke for themselves.
03:30If you don't do the honourable thing,
03:32this future will come to pass.
03:38I see what you're getting at, big Ange.
03:42If my days really are numbered,
03:45then I should seize every moment.
03:49Enjoy every day as Prime Minister,
03:52because I've only got three years left.
03:56Thank you for this wonderful lesson.
03:59No, that's not what I'm saying.
04:01I'm trying to tell you to stand aside
04:03and let me take charge of the government and...
04:07Oh, silly me, I forgot me legal gun.
04:10Hang on a minute.
04:11Who are you?
04:12Who am I?
04:13I'm the blubbered Prime Minister.
04:16Excuse me, no, I am.
04:18I'm the big chungus of this great United Kingdom
04:21of England and the middle part of Wales.
04:24Security, seize them!
04:27We deported the security.
04:29Oh, excellent.
04:30Yes!
04:32Kate, we have to go.
04:34The Prime Ministerial time portal is going to close any second.
04:37The what?
04:38Didn't you know?
04:39This secret compartment allows Prime Minister to travel through time.
04:51Greetings, I have come to...
04:54Oh, sorry.
04:55Do you ever walk into a room
04:56and completely forget what you've got in there for?
04:59Oh, thank you.
05:00Hey, hey, hey.
05:02Meep, meep.
05:04Oh, wait, that was it.
05:06Live from London, it's London's world!
05:15It's Sunday Night Live!
05:23With...
05:24Hamid Alamashow!
05:31Aya Wadden Van Boyen!
05:38Larry Dean!
05:45Celeste String
05:51George Foreacres
05:57Anya Magliano
06:02Hannah Malmallo
06:08Oh, my
06:13Jack Sheff
06:20Emma Sidney
06:27Holly Young
06:34Musical guest, Miles Smith
06:40And your host, Hannah Waddingham
06:51Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Waddingham
07:12I am disproportionately excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live UK!
07:21Oh, hang on a minute, sorry guys, um, something's wrong, um, uh, boys, are you, thank you, oh, oh, oh,
07:32God, that's better, honestly, two minutes out of high heels and my feet really start hurting, oh, thank you chaps,
07:41Larry, Jack,
07:44it is so amazing to finally be here at SNL UK, it reminds me so much of my beloved Ted
07:53Lasso.
07:54CHEERING
07:56Greens and Americans working together, the team spirit, the communal showers afterwards, I mean, that was surprising and excellent.
08:08Brett Goldstein is a very hairy man.
08:12I mean, he really is.
08:15Now, I have played my fair share of glamorous characters in my career.
08:20Here are some of my particularly attractive early roles.
08:25CHEERING
08:29And, of course, from Game of Thrones, my sexy little turn as the shame nun.
08:34Oh, yeah.
08:36CHEERING
08:37Where I looked like I'd been dug up and then my face needed ironing.
08:40But there are so many parts, guys, that I've never been considered for that I'd really love to play.
08:47What about the male cab driver from Belfast who gives surprisingly good romantic advice?
08:54He violated your identity, sweetheart.
08:57Now, put your big girl pants on and remember you are a queen.
09:02Here's your star.
09:03CHEERING
09:04Or a character I just like to call Debbie.
09:10Ooh, I'm so sorry, officer.
09:15I'm Debbie.
09:16I've been a very, very bad girl.
09:19But what has Debbie done?
09:22We never find out.
09:25And, of course, the part that I think I was born to play.
09:30Perhaps the sexiest character from the Star Wars universe.
09:34Yes.
09:38Do you see?
09:39CHEERING
09:40Range.
09:41Range.
09:42CHEERING
09:42Now, listen up.
09:44I have been watching this cast absolutely kill it every week and I am so excited to be part of
09:51the gang tonight.
09:52We have got a great show coming up for you, including music from the fabulous Miles Smith.
09:59I can't believe I'm actually getting to say this finally
10:02Stick around and watch this
10:12Jason Bentley, you are a menace to society
10:16I didn't do it, Your Honour
10:18You're going down for a very long time
10:21Not so fast
10:26You may have read him his rights, Your Honour
10:29But we're read
10:31And right
10:34Some burnt lawyers
10:36God, Jesus, is that my list?
10:39A searing new legal drama on Alibi
10:42I don't want to hear any goddamn excuses
10:44Just stop falling asleep on beaches
10:47Once it's peeled, it'll go brown
10:49It never does
10:52You're so jealous
10:53You look mental
10:56A wise man once said
10:58If you are neutral in situations of injustice
11:01Then you have chosen the side of the oppressor
11:05F*** off, f*** off, f*** off
11:06Don't, no, I'm not wearing it
11:08Scratchy
11:09No, don't, don't touch me with that wig
11:11Because I will scream
11:13You've heard of law and order
11:15It's good, isn't it?
11:17But this is something different
11:18Sorry, why are you going to sit down?
11:21I'm scared of what it might feel like
11:24Even my arse is burnt to a crisp
11:27Carry on
11:28They're good lawyers, don't get me wrong
11:31They're just really, really sunburnt
11:33Ladies and gentlemen of the jury
11:35Our client is innocent
11:37And we ask of you
11:39Does anyone have any sour cream?
11:42Because we have read that that can help
11:44Anyone
11:45Anyone?
11:47With all the emotional stakes you'd expect
11:51My skin feels like the sound of bees
11:57They're lawyers
11:58They're sunburnt
11:59It's really, it's really that simple
12:01She was the love of my life
12:03I'd never lay a finger on her
12:07Oh
12:09What?
12:11I'm sorry
12:12And get this
12:14Somehow
12:15The sunburn always helps them win the case
12:22You see, Your Honour
12:23The fingerprints
12:25Are not a match
12:29Not guilty
12:35Oh, Jesus Christ
12:39Some burnt lawyers
12:44It's exactly what it sounds like
12:57OK, all right, all right
13:00Good morning, Year 11
13:01Here you go
13:05I've got two words for you
13:08End of
13:10And I've got two more words for you
13:13Yeah, musical
13:14End of year musical
13:17Miss
13:19Did you get the rights for Frozen
13:20So we can stop doing those weird shows
13:22About your personal lives?
13:24What?
13:24I resent those allegations
13:26Do you, Janet?
13:27I do, Janet
13:28And to be clear
13:28We are both called Janet
13:32OK, yes
13:33This original West End Standard piece
13:37Is about two top-heavy
13:39Reading-based drama teachers
13:41And those teachers
13:43Have both just been through vicious divorces
13:47Almost identical to ours
13:49But get this
13:51They're both called Amy
13:54So there's the difference
13:59Must write, please
14:02Just arrived
14:05Single city
14:06My life's a mess
14:09And mine is hell
14:11Cos the doors ain't fun all yet
14:15Sleeping in an empty king's eyes bed
14:18In single city
14:20He took the kids
14:24Happy to move on
14:25Yay
14:26Miss, miss
14:28When are we gonna get to perform?
14:30Oh, I don't know
14:32Maybe when you've played Mrs. Teapot
14:35In the Lincoln Drillor's
14:36Unofficial production of Beauty and the Beast
14:37It's titled
14:39Pretty Girl, Big Dog
14:42So
14:43The next number
14:45Is about a
14:47Surprising
14:48Post-divorce trip
14:49That the Amys take
14:51To Centre Park's Long Leat
14:53Yes
14:57There's
14:57Something in the air
14:59At Long Leat
15:01Something we could never
15:03Forsee
15:05Only got one room
15:07When I booked on
15:08Woucher
15:09Now it's two of us
15:11Her and me
15:13We're back
15:14From a long day
15:15On the Rapids
15:17Cos we both
15:18Got stuck
15:19On the Rapids
15:20For hours
15:21Said I sleep
15:22On the sofa
15:23I'll tell her
15:24No, sir
15:25Let's dabble in lesbianism
15:27For the first time
15:27And ultimately realise
15:28It's not for us
15:35Miss Janet
15:37We want to do Frozen
15:38Frozen
15:40Frozen
15:41Frozen
15:41Right, okay
15:43I suppose you don't want to hear
15:44About the group number
15:46Where the Amys realise
15:48Their true love
15:49Is teaching
15:51Inspired by their incredible
15:53Students
15:54And I mean
15:55I just feel bad
15:56For Robin
15:57Who was this year's
15:58Chosen soloist
16:02We're sorry Robin
16:05We know you're different
16:07From the other boys
16:08We're not going to say
16:10We're not going to say why
16:12You're going to have to
16:13Have a trickier life
16:14Because of who you are
16:15We're not going to say why
16:17And we hate to lose you
16:19As a soloist
16:20Because you are
16:21Our favourite student
16:23We're not going to say why
16:25Please
16:26Please
16:27Please
16:27Janet
16:27I need this
16:30Robin
16:31Robin
16:32Robin
16:33Robin
16:33Robin
16:34Alright
16:34You get up here
16:36You horrible lot
16:37Come on
16:38Year 11
16:40This song
16:42Is about you
16:4530 hopeless children
16:47In a classroom
16:48Such disappointments
16:5230 nasty
16:53Ugly little children
16:55What would they do without
16:58Two busty ladies
17:00Show them the way
17:02Show me them the way
17:04Five, six, seven, eight
17:07Two busty ladies
17:09In a classroom
17:10Two busty ladies
17:11With shitty, shitty children
17:13Two busty ladies
17:15In a classroom
17:16Yeah
17:19Come on
17:20Again
17:20Oh my god
17:22I think we got it wrong
17:24Yeah
17:24We should have stayed there
17:25Come on
17:26Come on
17:27Let's be the same
17:41Right
17:42Listen up
17:44Welcome to your speed awareness course
17:46I'm Shannon
17:47I've done it all
17:49Seen it all
17:50And I'm not impressed
17:51With notes
17:52You
17:53Tell me
17:54Why did you speed
17:56Well
17:57Pedro Pascal
17:58Was being interviewed
18:00By Greg James
18:01On BBC Radio 1
18:02Let me guess
18:04Listening to that
18:05Age appropriate
18:06Fanny charmer
18:07You forgot yourself
18:08And pedal touch carpet
18:09I couldn't help it
18:11He sounded naked
18:13Well
18:15You might think
18:16Because this is the north
18:17That if you hit someone
18:19With a car
18:19It don't matter
18:22Well you're wrong
18:23Alright
18:24Bang
18:24Wrong
18:25You
18:26Bob brush
18:28Join me up here
18:29Come on
18:29Set wheel
18:33Right
18:33We are going to do
18:35A little role play
18:37Picture the scene
18:39You're driving
18:41Your name is Martin
18:43And I am your passenger
18:44Street lamps
18:46Zipping past
18:47Street lamps
18:48So that means
18:49It's residential
18:49So that's
18:50A 30
18:51Good
18:52But
18:52It's 2am
18:54On bank holiday Monday
18:55Everybody's docked up in bed
18:57Go on Martin
18:58Speed
19:02Who are you meant to be
19:03Well I'm your partner
19:05Of 6 weeks
19:05And the moonlight's
19:06Makin' me feel aroused
19:08Martin
19:09Speed to the next lay-by
19:11And let's do
19:11Fake taxi style
19:13Speed
19:13Speed
19:14Speed
19:15Okay
19:17Fannyl
19:19Sit down
19:20You've told me to speed
19:23You
19:25Statins
19:25Get up here
19:30I shouldn't even be here
19:32You should be allowed to speed
19:34On poppy day
19:34Right
19:35Well I'll stick it
19:36Now
19:38Start
19:39Driving
19:40We are on the ring road
19:43Everything's normal
19:44But
19:44Oh no
19:45Oh sod
19:46I'm nine and a half months
19:48Preggle
19:49With twins
19:49In me waters
19:50Just broke
19:51You
19:51I'll call an ambulance
19:53No it's too late
19:54Martin
19:54Oh
19:55I'm crowning
19:56I'm crowning
19:57Two wet heads
19:59A-touch in the glove box
20:00Please speed to the hospital
20:02Step on it
20:03You fertile Latvian bastard
20:05Speed
20:06Martin
20:07Speed
20:08I'm doing it
20:09I'm doing it
20:09I'm doing it
20:10Fail
20:11I hope you like prison food
20:14Sit down
20:16Sorry
20:17Why were both of those men called Martin?
20:20Next
20:20Er
20:22You
20:22Young lady
20:24Who almost certainly owns a Fiat 500 with eyelashes on it
20:31Take your time Jesus
20:33Right
20:34In this scenario
20:36We are driving back from hospital
20:38With two healthy babies
20:41Right
20:42Er
20:42What kind of road is it?
20:44Oh shit Martin
20:45I just got a BBC news alert
20:47Aliens have landed in Meadow Hall shopping centre
20:50They've released a gas and it's turning everybody mutant
20:54What does that have to do with speeding?
20:57The alien fog will either make our babies dyslexic
21:00Or give them one eye
21:01In those scenarios
21:03They're going to need extra time in exams
21:06They're going to need extra time in exams
21:06They're going to go out by the fog
21:08Speed Martin
21:09Speed
21:10I don't want you
21:11You want a cyclops baby do you?
21:14No
21:16Fail
21:17Fail
21:18Fail
21:19Fail
21:19Fail
21:20You've all failed
21:21Right
21:22You need to stop this
21:23Leave her alone
21:24These role plays are mental
21:26None of this would happen in real life
21:29Mummy
21:30Yes darling
21:40You're almost done with your class
21:43Me and my twin brother got a six hour exam to get to
21:47And then we're going to see our dad
21:49He's called Martin
21:51And by the way
21:53He doesn't speed
21:56Think
21:57Don't speed
21:58Unless you do
21:59You're going to be cyclists
22:03Happy birthday to you
22:06Happy birthday to the triplets
22:10Happy birthday to you
22:1718 today
22:18Who would have thought it?
22:20Gone in the blink of a bloody eye
22:22Well done love
22:23Well done us
22:26Oh great
22:27Oh god forbid a man fancies his wife
22:30Right come on you
22:31Let's get up the pub
22:32Get your first legal rounding
22:33And your mum will have a point of pee now
22:34Actually Paul
22:36I'm not coming
22:37Oh not this again Jill
22:39Tony knows it won't you
22:40Has blocked the bar
22:41No Paul
22:42I mean
22:43I'm not coming
22:45Anywhere
22:46Ever again
22:47Is this about them yogurts again?
22:49I've told you
22:49That Tesco Express
22:50Doesn't do Muller Corner
22:51It's not about the yogurts
22:52Paul
22:53Oh come off it Jill
22:54It's always about the yogurts with you
22:55I said
22:56It's not about the yogurts
22:57Right Harry
22:58Give me them car keys
22:59Because I'm going to get your mum a yogurts
23:00It's not about the yogurts
23:03Mum what's going on?
23:05Oh my god
23:06Are you leaving dad?
23:07No of course she's not leaving
23:08You're not leaving me are you?
23:09I'm leaving you all
23:09You're 18 now
23:12My work here is done
23:13But mum
23:14I'm not
23:15Your mum
23:17I'm
23:21Daniel Day-Lewis preparing for a role
23:23For what?
23:25I'm Keaton Academy Award winner of Daniel Day-Lewis
23:28And for the past 18 years I've been method acting as your mother
23:31Is this some sort of joke?
23:33I've never joked about my craft Eleanor
23:35This is insane
23:36Did you know about this?
23:37I didn't have a clue
23:38What can I say?
23:40He's bloody good
23:41Bless you Paul
23:42You've opened my eyes to so much beauty
23:45Ginsters
23:46Blossom Hill wine
23:47With concept screw fix
23:50Oh you're alright
23:51We've had a laugh
23:52Haven't we done today-Lewis?
23:53Can I call you that?
23:54No
23:54You sounded just like Jill then
23:56Hang on
23:57If you're our mum
23:58How have you still been in films?
24:00Didn't you find it curious
24:01My repeated six month comas
24:03Or perhaps my Abraham Lincoln phase?
24:08See the sex was good back then
24:10Wait I'm confused
24:12Who gave birth to us?
24:13A lovely lady named Debbie
24:15Last I heard she was doing set design on young Sheldon
24:18Whoa
24:19I think Sel's such an intense connection to that show
24:23My simple boy
24:25Loving you has been my greatest challenge
24:29Thank you
24:32Sorry it's my agent
24:33Hello?
24:35Yes
24:35They gave it to Reese Witherspoon
24:37Shit
24:39I've been living with this ghastly family for 18 years for that part
24:43Is there anything we can do?
24:47I'll tell you what
24:50You can buy your mother a pint of pinot
24:52I want to get wasted tonight
24:56Mum was so good in Phantom Fred
25:05Ladies and gentlemen
25:07The dreamy Marge Smith
25:20I'm stood still
25:22Just like a photograph
25:24You made me feel
25:25Like this will last forever
25:28Look at me
25:29All right
25:31I saved my whole life
25:34Oh
25:38They say you know
25:40And when you know
25:41And I don't know
25:43Oh
25:46Promise that you hold me close
25:48Don't let me go
25:50Say
25:51Take my heart
25:53Take my heart
25:54Don't break it
25:55Love me to my fall
25:59All this time I've wasted
26:02You were right there all along
26:07You and I started getting
26:10Into time and so
26:14We were never strangers
26:18You were right there all along
26:22Hey
26:24I lose my mind
26:26When I'm around you
26:27How I call my life
26:29When I'm without you
26:31I can't ever feel so lonely
26:34I want to give you
26:36I want to give you
26:37All I've got
26:39Oh
26:42They say you know it
26:44But you know it
26:45And I know
26:47Oh
26:50Promise that you hold me close
26:52Don't let me go
26:54Say
26:55Take my heart
26:57Don't break it
26:59Love me to my fall
27:03All this time I've wasted
27:06You were right there all along
27:10You and I started getting
27:14Into finding souls
27:18We were never strangers
27:22You were right there all along
27:32Along
27:33Along
27:41Take my heart
27:44Don't break it
27:45Love me to my fall
27:49Oh, this time I've wasted, you were right there alone
28:19It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
28:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
28:36And I'm Anya Magliano
28:39This week's local elections were a disaster for Prime Minister Keir Starmer
28:44Seen here voting reform
28:47As the Labour Party suffered their worst defeat in decades
28:51In England, Reform UK won just over 1,400 seats
28:55Of course, the rise of reform might seem scary if you're an economic migrant
29:00Or a refugee
29:01Or under 80 years old
29:03Trans, not privately educated
29:05In any way disabled
29:07Someone who uses the NHS
29:08A woman, not white, in a care home
29:10Someone who doesn't like being upskirted
29:12But for the remaining one guy who actually lives in Thailand
29:15It's going to be great
29:21Now, if these local election results were to be carried over to the general election in three years' time
29:27There would, of course, be a significant impact
29:30As my body hits the pavement
29:35Now, a lot of young people are worried that the continuing success of reform will affect their future
29:41But you have to remember
29:42You're already fucked
29:50With the left and the right making massive gains
29:53It was a huge clash of cultures at the polls
29:56Reform versus the Greens
29:58Bald men versus bald women
30:03Yes
30:04It was a great night for the Greens
30:06Despite leader Zach Polanski being criticised for falsely claiming he'd been a spokesman for the Red Cross
30:11But who hasn't lied on their CV?
30:15I'd still be a doctor if I hadn't prescribed kissing it better
30:22Already in...
30:24Already in the past few hours
30:26Labour MP Catherine West has threatened to trigger a leadership contest
30:31Even if Keir Starmer does resign
30:33He's expected to remain very much in the public eye
30:36As a senior mannequin in John Lewis
30:43Following the calls for Keir Starmer to resign
30:45Cabinet Minister Steve Reid has warned Labour against
30:49Quote, doom-scrolling through leaders like the Tories did
30:52Well, Steve Reid, you don't know what doom-scrolling is
30:56But I don't know who you are, so one-all
31:01By some estimates, Labour's vote share plummeted to 15%
31:05Which has been blamed on Starmer's toxic image
31:08I don't know why
31:10As far as dead-eyed, self-serving, nonce-collecting cowards go
31:13He's quite likeable
31:22The army of new reform councillors have vowed to get started straight away
31:26Leaving no flag unshagged
31:29One of the big features of this election
31:31Has been the emergence of the shy reform voter
31:33And hold on, I think we have one here now
31:43Stop it, I'm shy
31:46Not me voting for reform, by the way
31:49Stop the boats
31:50Did I just say that?
31:50Oh my god, stop looking at me
31:53Take back control
31:54What am I like?
31:56Al Mash appearing as himself, everybody
32:04Put on your masks
32:05Lock down your gran
32:06And stop spitting in each other's mouths
32:08There's a new virus in town
32:12Yes, a cruise ship has been unable to dock
32:15After being hit by an outbreak of Hantavirus
32:17Which is spreading the faeces and urine of rats
32:23The situation was described as deeply stressful
32:26By Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper
32:28And the ultimate party boat by a big rat
32:32Now, the virus may have also been spread
32:36Through intimate sexual contact
32:38Between humans and rats
32:40That's according to me
32:45Earlier this week
32:46The extravagant celebrity-filled Met Gala
32:48Was held in New York
32:49This year's theme was
32:51People you'd like to see exploded
32:54As usual, the Met Gala
32:56Featured a lot of high-concept outfits
32:58Beyonce looked amazing
33:00Someone's made the most of the Claire's closing down sale
33:05And Katy Perry wore an eerie mirrored mask
33:09Covering her whole face
33:10Symbolising what it's like to live life
33:13As a stupid moron
33:21Nearly half of singles say
33:23That dating is no longer affordable
33:25Due to the rising cost of living
33:27Here to comment
33:28It's our dating correspondent
33:30Scrimch
33:37I'm Scrimch
33:39Daddy Esper
33:40I've been on seven dates
33:41And I'm probably gonna go on more
33:49Well, I hear you have dating tips
33:51For when money's tight
33:52I do
33:53Because I know it can be hard out there
33:55For a strange
33:58Let's go
33:59Tip one
34:00Don't spend money
34:01Make money
34:02Take your date to a wishing well
34:03There's pennies in there
34:05Okay
34:10Tip two
34:11On a date
34:12Always sing your truth
34:15My name is Scrimch
34:17Your name is Lady
34:18This is the case of Lady and the Scrimch
34:23Can I guess your BMI?
34:25It doesn't matter if it's low or high
34:26I just love guessing BMI's
34:28And please may I use your phone?
34:39Sorry
34:39Sorry
34:40I'm so sorry
34:41Where are you from?
34:44Well, I came from Europe on a school trip
34:46And they forgot me
34:47It's okay
34:48It's okay
34:48It's okay
34:50Never feel sorry for Scrimch
34:54He doesn't need to know his age
34:56Everybody say Scrimch
35:00Sorry, is it
35:01It's pronounced Scrimch?
35:02Tip nine
35:04Keep a date short and sweet
35:06At the 50 minute mark
35:07Say, ew
35:08There's ants in here
35:09And I got to go
35:19If in doubt
35:20Sing again
35:21Feel the rain on your Scrimch
35:23No one else can ask
35:24Because they are not called Scrimch
35:38What's happening?
35:40Tip 17
35:42Being interesting is free
35:44My favourite sound is an elephant's trunk
35:49It is so charming to me
35:51The way that elephants grieve
35:52I wish my mother grieved
35:54But she never looked for me
35:56Right, okay
35:57I think I get it
35:59Listen
35:59Life is a school trip
36:01Sometimes you get left behind forever
36:04So go and kiss a girl on the neck
36:06Ladies and gentlemen
36:07Once again
36:08Scrimch!
36:18A member of Donald Trump's security detail
36:21Has been placed on leave
36:22After allegedly masturbating publicly
36:25In a hotel corridor
36:26Close to where Trump was staying
36:27The president was rushed to safety
36:29As soon as they heard the sound of cum shots
36:35On Tuesday
36:38On Tuesday
36:39The trailer for Christopher Nolan's adaptation
36:42Of The Odyssey was released
36:44It's an epic tale
36:45About one person's desperate desire
36:47To return home
36:48And is loosely based on how I feel
36:50When men talk to me about Christopher Nolan
36:58Blackpool's famous trams museum is shutting
37:00In yet another blow
37:02For the trams community
37:12Television personality Scarlett Moffat
37:14Has revealed that during her time
37:16On I'm a Celebrity
37:17She actually enjoyed eating camel penis
37:20And for those of you interested
37:21In showbiz jargon
37:23In TV we call eating a penis
37:25Auditioning
37:28It's been revealed
37:30That the most sent text in the UK
37:31Is I love you
37:33According to the results of a poll
37:34My dad did not take part in
37:43New government regulations
37:45Could mean that fruit yogurts
37:47Will be classed as junk food
37:48Okay great
37:49I guess I'll have to find
37:51Other healthier types of lube
37:58In Italy
37:59New legislation is being introduced
38:02That will ban the selling of horse meat
38:04Last summer I went to Italy
38:06But all I ate was pizza
38:08A pizza this horse
38:09A pizza that horse
38:14Meanwhile in Burnley
38:15A devastating fire
38:16At the Warburton's bread factory
38:18Has caused an estimated
38:20Two and a half million pounds of toast
38:27And now in traffic news
38:29A lorry carrying 20 tons of Prosecco
38:32Has crashed on the M4
38:34Spilling wine across all three westbound lanes
38:37The next morning
38:38The M4 woke up
38:39With a terrible hangover
38:41In bed with the M25
38:44And then get this
38:45The A406 bursts in
38:47And is like
38:47Oh my god
38:48I thought we were exclusive
38:49And then the M4 starts crying
38:51And is like
38:52I don't know what's wrong with me
38:53I must have a problem
38:53And then the A406 is like
38:55I just can't do this anymore
38:56Storms out
38:56And now none of them are talking
38:58And that's the traffic news
39:05Sir David Attenborough
39:06Turned 100 yesterday
39:11In celebration of his milestone birthday
39:14London Zoo have told him
39:15He's finally allowed to choose
39:17And make love to one animal
39:23And now
39:24Here to celebrate
39:26The world's greatest nature documentarian
39:28Is one of his oldest colleagues
39:30A rhino
39:35Thank you Anya
39:37I'm a rhino
39:38And I'm here to say
39:40Attenborough
39:41You're a bitch
39:42What?
39:44Yeah that sicko's been making a living
39:46Out of filming my people
39:47For 80 years
39:48None of us ever signed a waiver
39:50None of us ever got paid
39:51Meanwhile he gets a knighthood
39:53For broadcasting footage
39:54Of my mum getting shot
39:56By a poacher
39:56Okay but
39:57Attenborough
39:58I'm calling you out
40:00I'll meet you any time
40:02Any place to settle this
40:04Mano
40:05A rhino
40:07What's this?
40:09Oh my god
40:09Can it be?
40:12Sir David Attenborough
40:14He's here
40:18There are only 27,000 rhinos
40:22Left in the wild
40:24And when I'm through with this bitch
40:26And when I'm through with this bitch
40:27There'll only be 26,999
40:32Unprecedented sins
40:33Oh my god
40:37The greatest dream of life is coming from the river
40:40I'm going to go in the river
40:41Oh my god
40:46Oh my god
40:46Oh my god
40:46Oh my god
40:46David Attenborough's got a big impact
40:48The river's gone
40:49Oh my god
40:51Oh my god
40:51They're taking it off the desk
40:52Oh my god
40:56Oh my god
40:56Oh my god
40:57Oh my god
40:57Oh my god
41:12And that's the Tiger God, my God, I've never seen anything like this in the World of Weekend Update.
41:17For a fellow in 100 years army, no, not the joke sound.
41:21Now we have it, ladies and gentlemen.
41:24Arab has done it, 100 years, and still, undisputed champion of the national world, David Attenborough.
41:36For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.
41:38And I'm Anya Magliana, good night.
41:52What about these ones, love?
41:54Oh, I know nothing about running shoes.
41:57There must be a shop assistant somewhere.
42:00Oh, here he comes, look.
42:07Oh, God.
42:09Hi, guys.
42:10Welcome to Foot Locker.
42:11How can I help?
42:15Holy shit.
42:17Christine.
42:19It's Phantom.
42:20Phantom of the Opera.
42:22Yeah, I know.
42:24Who's this, Christine?
42:25Oh, mate, sorry.
42:26Eric, Phantom.
42:27Some people call me the Angel of Music.
42:29Hey, Christine.
42:31Is this your brother?
42:32What's the relationship here?
42:33No, this is James, my husband, and that's our little one over there, Daisy.
42:39Eric and I just used to work together.
42:40Well, it was a bit more than that, wasn't it?
42:43OK, he was my singing teacher.
42:46No, no.
42:48We were absolutely dating, so.
42:50Sorry, sorry.
42:51Singing teacher?
42:51I didn't know you sang.
42:53Yes, I was a professional singer of opera in France.
42:58You were a professional opera singer in France?
43:01That's the first I've heard of it.
43:03Oh, trouble in paradise.
43:05Why don't you and Daisy go and look at the football shirts?
43:08OK.
43:10Well, you're not going to reignite your love through the medium of song, are you?
43:12Oh, snap!
43:14I might do that.
43:16Well, all right, that's a relief.
43:20I have waited for this day
43:25that my ingenue might need a pair of shoes.
43:29Eric, don't.
43:30Yeah, understood.
43:31Get over it.
43:32Move on, Phantom.
43:33Oh!
43:34OK, so, uh, still a size seven?
43:37Oh, I think so.
43:38Changes from brand to brand.
43:40Yeah, that's a common problem, that.
43:41Um, well, perhaps we should get you...
43:44measured?
43:46Measured?
43:49Measure me.
43:52Measure me fondly.
43:55Try to find my size.
43:59Examine me.
44:00You're still a very sexual size seven.
44:04So, do you prefer slip-ons or lace-ups?
44:07Oh, uh, lace-ups, I think.
44:09A lady likes them laced.
44:11OK.
44:12So, in terms of running shoes, we have your Adidas, your Solomons.
44:17I actually would recommend these.
44:21Slide your foot in with anticipation
44:30Tie the laces, tightening sensation
44:38Let your feelings grow as I press upon the toe.
44:46I am here to sell you shoes that you might like
44:53By singing you the music of the night
45:01Bless your mind.
45:03Oh, Eric!
45:04No!
45:05I'm sorry.
45:06Look, I...
45:07I'm married.
45:08Eric, I have a child.
45:11Also, not to be a total bitch about it,
45:14but you did kidnap me and kill all those people
45:16and burn down that opera house.
45:17Oh.
45:18You burn down one opera house,
45:20you never hit the bloody end of it.
45:22Come on, Daisy.
45:25No!
45:27We're off to Sports Direct.
45:29No!
45:30No!
45:33It's over now
45:35The music of the night
45:48Once again
45:50Mr. Miles Smith
45:57We dream of jet planes
46:01Freedom
46:02Trying to find escape
46:05From heartache
46:12Too young
46:13To feel cold
46:16See, it warms me up inside
46:20Just your face
46:26Safe
46:27In your arms
46:29I can't forget
46:31You saved me
46:33From the demons
46:35In my head
46:37I keep running in circles now
46:42I've been losing myself somehow
46:45Won't you hold me in the dark
46:49Won't you hold me in the dark
46:53Yeah, I'm running in circles now
46:56I've been losing myself somehow
47:00Won't you hold me in the dark
47:03Won't you hold me in the dark
47:17Won't you hold me in the dark
47:23And I've tried to run in
47:26But only you can fix my soul
47:32So take me home
47:36I keep running in circles now
47:40I'll be losing myself somehow
47:43Won't you hold me in the thug
47:47Won't you hold me in the thug
47:51Yeah, I'm running in circles now
47:54I'll be losing myself somehow
47:58Won't you hold me in the thug
48:02Won't you hold me in the thug
48:05Yeah, yeah
48:12Won't you hold me in the thug
48:16Won't you hold me in the thug
48:22Yeah, in your arms
48:30That is where I'll lay my bed
48:34I keep running in circles now
48:38I'll be losing myself somehow
48:41Won't you hold me in the thug
48:45Won't you hold me in the thug
48:49Yeah, I'm running in circles now
48:53I'll be losing myself somehow
48:56Won't you hold me in the thug
49:00Won't you hold me in the thug
49:27I am having such a nice time
49:31There's something too
49:31There's just something about my mood
49:33I just
49:33I can't explain it
49:36I can
49:38Take it away, maestro
50:08I feel so good now
50:10I'm happily designed
50:11And I don't even mind
50:13How the stars aligned
50:15Am I nailing my life?
50:18No, I've simply had
50:19Two glasses of wine
50:22That's all it takes
50:25Two glasses of wine
50:28So I'm loving I can legally drive
50:32Suddenly fluent with my conversational German
50:37I want to be my astral program
50:39I want to be kissed
50:41I want to be kissed
50:44This I felt all year
50:46I'm starting to think
50:47White boys are a good idea
50:49I'm trying somebody, somebody says on
50:52It's definitely charming
50:53I'm sorry I dropped them
50:55I just remembered someone I went to school with who died
51:00I'm sending story replies
51:02I'm replaying my parents' divorce
51:04Am I having these thoughts?
51:07Oh yeah, cause I've had
51:08Three glasses of wine
51:11We're pushing it down
51:13I should tap out
51:15Three glasses of wine
51:17All my reflection is bringing me down
51:20Too much wine
51:24Oh no
51:25And I'm angry about something
51:29But I can't remember what that thing is
51:33Oh, come on, it's jazz
51:41Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, wait
51:45That's the fourth wall
51:46Yeah
51:47My apologies to the fourth wall
51:52Oh, come on, mate
51:53Don't feel me
51:57Whoa, whoa, whoa
51:59What do we have here?
52:02Uh, listen
52:02My dressing room is right next to Hamad's, yeah
52:05And, um
52:06It's soundproofed
52:12It sounds good
52:15Okay, I'll see you later
52:17Oh, oh, no
52:21Oh, no
52:21Oh, no
52:25Oh, no
52:26Oh, no
52:26I'm so sorry
52:28Oh, no
52:28Oh, no
52:29I'm going to be
52:30I'm going to throw up
52:31Oh
52:32Oh
52:33Why is she so drunk?
52:35I thought you only had three wines
52:37And I ate margaritas
52:39Oh, margaritas
52:40Oh, margaritas
52:41And I was also a little bit sick
52:43So now I feel totally electric
52:47I'm so drunk
52:48I've gone full circle
52:49And I feel good again
52:51Riding the one way
52:53It's hard to know how many drinks are
52:55But for some people it's four
52:57But for some people it's none
52:59It's different for everyone
53:05It can take a lifetime
53:09To know just how much
53:12Is the right arm and off
53:17One
53:18No, that's the wrong one
53:19One
53:20Come on guys
53:22One
53:47My thanks to Marl Smith
53:49Peter Servinowicz
53:51And I owe the hugest thanks
53:53To this ridiculously phenomenal cast
53:55Writers
53:56And everyone working on the show
53:58For making this such a great week
54:01It is my total honour
54:03To host SNL UK
54:05And to my little girl
54:07Thank you for letting me be here
54:09I'm coming home
54:10Good night
54:12Good night
54:22Good night
54:26Thank you for breaking me
54:27Thank you for letting me be here
54:30I''m coming home
54:33I'm coming home
54:41My life
54:42You didn't come home
54:43And me
54:47But then I'm coming home
54:47It believes i'm notmu
54:48coming home You're
54:50out You're
54:50out I'm
54:51coming home That's
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