- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E17
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Short filmTranscript
00:15Oh, bazooka doll.
00:19You're an imbecile.
00:23Good morning.
00:25Dr. Oldboy.
00:32I'm about to reveal something astounding.
00:36I think you're overestimating yourself.
00:40Behold, an ATM card.
00:42Oh, congratulations.
00:45You're now a member of a very elite group of two, three hundred million Americans.
00:51My name is raised. You can touch it if you want.
00:55Thanks.
00:55When I press it into my forehead, you can read my name backwards.
01:02Pace yourself. We have a whole semester.
01:06Oh, Nina, did I show you my new ATM?
01:07Yes, you did. And no, I don't want to feel it.
01:11You know I have a great idea.
01:13To celebrate, why don't I use my new ATM card to withdraw money from one of many convenient locations, even
01:19after business hours,
01:21and take you out to dinner tomorrow night?
01:23All right.
01:25Really?
01:26Yes.
01:26You're not just toying with me. You do understand it's dinner out?
01:31Yes.
01:32But it can't just be dinner out of the house. It also has to be dinner out of the car.
01:36Oh, it is.
01:38Now all I have to do is put this card into the ATM, punch in my secret code, one, two,
01:43three, four.
01:45Oh, no!
01:49I was never supposed to reveal that code to anyone!
01:51Ooh, well, now you're going to have to kill us.
01:55As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
01:59This is the story of four such explorers.
02:31This is the story of four such explorers.
02:34Oh, well, that was the mall. Wasn't it great?
02:37How would I know? The escalator broke down and I was stuck there for an hour and a half.
02:43You know, I think the entire planet should be covered by one big roof.
02:47And we should never be more than 15 feet from a weenie on a stick.
02:51Tommy, look what I bought for you.
02:54Basketball?
02:54I've decided that you should join your school's team.
02:57Why?
02:58Because it's important that you experience the humiliation of adolescent boys at the hands of bitter adults trying to rewrite
03:04the failures of their youth.
03:06It'll be fun.
03:09All right.
03:10Who ripped the radio out of the dashboard?
03:13What are you talking about?
03:15The radio. It's gone.
03:17Wait a minute.
03:18I know what's happened here.
03:20You see it all the time on the news.
03:22Oh, uh, uh, uh, toupees.
03:27No. Crime.
03:28They're victims of crime.
03:29What are we supposed to do now?
03:31The radio's gone.
03:32I think we all know what we have to do.
03:49I can't believe Dick did this to me.
03:51Why do I have to play basketball?
03:53I know. Team sports are so infantile.
03:56It's all masculine posturing, all that preening and flexing.
03:59Exactly.
04:00What I really hate is that there's some primitive part of me that really responds to that.
04:06And what I really hate is being cursed with the heart of a champion.
04:22What is Harry doing?
04:23He's part of my new security procedures.
04:25Oh, red alert.
04:30There's a squirrel approaching the building.
04:34This seems a bit extreme, Lieutenant.
04:36With all due respect, High Commander, butt out.
04:39Security's my domain.
04:41I'll take the blame for the radio.
04:42Oh, please.
04:43No, no, no.
04:43I should have been guarding the Rambler instead of shopping for loofahs.
04:47Well, you're overreacting.
04:48Dick, I have been telling you this planet is in a bad neighborhood.
04:52Oh, no.
04:53We have been on far worse planets than this, inhabited by creatures with far worse breath.
04:59I mean, at least we're on a planet that's governed by laws.
05:03You're too distrustful of humans.
05:05It's just those two little eyes right in the middle of their head.
05:09Makes them all look like they're up to something.
05:15Hi, hi.
05:16I heard about your car radio.
05:17Did you call the cops?
05:18Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
05:19Now, don't be silly.
05:20You go down to the station, you ask for Officer Franco.
05:23An Italian gentleman, very nice.
05:27He came right over when my boyfriend got beat up in my living room.
05:31Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?
05:34Yeah, well, my husband didn't care for him.
05:46Wow.
05:49I smell the fist of justice.
05:53I smell donuts.
05:58Can't you feel it, Harry?
06:00The stifling sense of order.
06:02The discipline.
06:03The almost robotic lack of emotion.
06:05The fluorescent lights.
06:07God help me.
06:10I love it.
06:13What can I do for you?
06:17Just let me be near you.
06:21Okay.
06:24My name's Officer Don.
06:26Well, Officer Don, we're here to report a crime.
06:28I blame myself.
06:30I drop my guard.
06:31It's not your fault.
06:32Crime happens.
06:34On the surface, Rutherford may look like small-town America,
06:37but just beneath the well-manicured lawns
06:39lies a hotbed of criminal activity.
06:41We may be in the shadow of Cleveland,
06:44but it's in the shadows where evil lurks.
06:48Wow.
06:50Hey, when you do this,
06:52sort of looks like NYPD Blue, huh?
06:56NYPD Blue.
07:03Now, what happened?
07:05The radio was stolen out of our Rambler.
07:06AM with those push buttons?
07:08Yes.
07:09Those sick bastards.
07:12Fill out this form.
07:14Form?
07:14Then what happens?
07:15I make a copy of it.
07:16And then?
07:17Then on Thursday, a girl comes in and files it.
07:21Paperwork.
07:21If I had my way, I'd be out there in the streets
07:23putting the rats back in their holes.
07:25Well, Don, if I had a gun like that,
07:28I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk
07:29until I ran out of bullets.
07:42Hi.
07:43So, uh, what are you here for?
07:45Well, they picked me up for vagrancy,
07:48but that's not the real reason.
07:50I'm here because they know.
07:52They know I'm from the planet Clarion
07:54in the barred spiral
07:55on the Cepheus-Drake border.
08:00You know, Steve.
08:08Dear Lord,
08:10if it be within your great wisdom and mercy,
08:13please grant us the strength and courage
08:14to beat the hell out of the Central High Musgrave.
08:17And if you know...
08:18Uh, excuse me, Coach?
08:19We're in the middle of a prayer, Solomon.
08:20Yeah, but do you think we should be bothering God
08:22over a basketball game?
08:25Well, this is important.
08:26Yeah, but the other team's praying, too.
08:30Oh, so our God is stronger than their God.
08:33There's only one God, Solomon.
08:35Oh.
08:35Well, am I the only one seeing a conflict of interest here?
08:38Yes!
08:39All right, first team, right on the court.
08:40Let's go.
08:41Hustle it out there.
08:42Get out there.
08:43There you go.
08:44Coach, what about me?
08:45I'm sorry, Solomon.
08:46You're not tall enough.
08:47Well, what do you say?
08:49You're too damn short!
08:56Why, yes, I will have another transaction.
08:59And this time in...
09:01Espanol.
09:05I'll be done in a minute.
09:06I just want to see what my limit is.
09:08Oh, it takes time.
09:09Look at this.
09:10I put the card in, and money comes out.
09:12Card in, money out.
09:14Oh!
09:15You see this?
09:16As much as I want, over and over again.
09:19Isn't it amazing?
09:19Yeah.
09:20Now give it to me.
09:21What?
09:22No, no, no, no, no.
09:23This is my money.
09:25But I'm sure you can have your own card.
09:27Quit fooling around.
09:28I said hand it over.
09:28No, no.
09:29Let me explain this to you again.
09:31This $300 is mine.
09:33Just like the $100 I just put in my wallet.
09:41This is all my fault.
09:42What was I thinking, letting you go out by yourself?
09:45A man who could steal a wallet is capable of anything.
09:48He could have put you in a vat of saline and harvested your organs over a period of months,
09:52forcing you to regenerate kidney after kidney after kidney after kidney.
09:56Oh, now just relax.
09:57You've got to calm down.
09:58How can I calm down?
09:59I feel so utterly exposed and vulnerable.
10:03I'm not in that fun, spanky way.
10:07It's all right.
10:08You're safe now.
10:09What kind of a place is this where you can't wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the
10:12night?
10:15So did this guy have any distinguishing marks?
10:18His skin was rather nice.
10:20Well, Mr. Salmon, I can see that you're pretty upset,
10:23so I'll just be giving my home phone number to your sister.
10:30Paul, if you have any needs.
10:38Why did this have to happen?
10:39Oh, it was late.
10:40Why did I have to be at that place at that time, taking out all that money?
10:44Don't blame yourself.
10:45I don't.
10:45I blame you.
10:46What?
10:46Well, you had to agree to go out with me.
10:48You always turn me down.
10:49Why did you pick now to say yes?
10:50I don't know.
10:51Oh, you see?
10:51You weren't thinking.
10:53You can't take a random act and turn it around to blame an innocent person.
10:56Just watch me.
10:58Why did I think tonight would be any different?
11:00You are insane.
11:01It's the world that's insane.
11:02They talk about the universe being random.
11:04Ha!
11:04This is the place that's random.
11:06I'm leaving.
11:06Oh, people assaulting total strangers for no other reason than to take their money.
11:11That's right.
11:11Run away from the problem.
11:13Sooner or later, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that the Earth is a cold,
11:16dark, and evil place,
11:17crawling with crazed ne'er-do-wells and arsenic jack-and-apes.
11:21Well, I don't like it!
11:26Lieutenant!
11:27Yes, sir?
11:28This planet has crossed the line.
11:31Assemble the giant robot.
11:36We didn't pack it.
11:38You didn't?
11:39Why not?
11:39I wanted to, but you needed the room for your exercise bike, which, I might add, you never
11:44use.
11:50The strength of the refracted light varies in accordance with its velocity as measured in
12:00light years per se.
12:01Dr. Solomon.
12:02What is it, Leon?
12:03Why are you writing like that?
12:05Because we live in a world where as soon as you turn around, someone is waiting to stab
12:08you in the back and steal your wallet.
12:10Dr. Solomon, you have to have more faith in people.
12:13You know, I think that deep down, there's a basic decency...
12:16Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
12:20Your chirpy optimism has no place in reality.
12:23Guess what?
12:23Santa Claus is dead!
12:26Beaten senseless for his shiny black boots!
12:28And his reindeer don't give a damn!
12:36You know, Dr. Solomon, he seemed to be carrying around so much baggage.
12:40Well, you're not getting any of it, so get away from me!
12:42Get away from me!
12:50Okay, let's get this straight.
12:51I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want
12:55a security system that will guarantee that every moment of our lives will be filled with
12:59a sense of absolute safety and contentment.
13:01That would be the Electrofort 2000.
13:04The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch
13:09trained patrolmen to your door.
13:11I see.
13:11I just have one question.
13:13Sure.
13:13Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while
13:17your guys are strolling over?
13:21That almost never happens.
13:24May I have a glass of water?
13:27Where's Tommy?
13:28He should be here.
13:28It's all under control.
13:29He's in the driveway playing one-on-one.
13:31Tommy!
13:31Tommy, I'm sorry.
13:33I didn't know I'd be that good.
13:34I've never played before.
13:37Your company is obviously run by amateurs.
13:39This is totally unsatisfactory.
13:40Well, allow me to show you a few schematics that I drew up.
13:45Okay.
13:46Now, the giant swinging blade would fall from here, steel spikes plunge into the burglar's
13:53eyes here, and the conveyor belt drops the carcass into the tank of great white sharks
13:59here, here, and here.
14:06It'll work.
14:09Now, that's a plan.
14:13Let's go, girls.
14:14We'll get back on defense.
14:16Bill, we got to move your feet for crying out loud.
14:19What?
14:19We're up 40 points with two minutes to go.
14:21Come on.
14:22Put me in.
14:22I promise I won't touch anything.
14:24I'll just stand there.
14:29Well, uh...
14:30Now, coach, come on, coach.
14:33My girlfriend's watching.
14:36This is not just my chance.
14:38Oh, no, this is your chance to be remembered as the beloved coach Strickland and not as
14:43coach Suckland.
14:45That wasn't mine.
14:47Okay, Solomon, enough.
14:49I'll put you in.
14:49Just shut up.
14:50Oh, thanks, coach.
14:51Now, you know what player Hanson is?
14:53The guy's neck's thicker than my waist.
14:54That's it.
14:55You go stop him from driving the lane.
14:59Good job.
15:10Good morning.
15:11How are you feeling?
15:13Wired, thank you.
15:14My entire house is wired for security, and this afternoon, I'm getting an alarm system
15:18for the car.
15:18Oh, good.
15:20Now all you need is an armed guard to walk you from the house to the car.
15:23Then you'll be all set.
15:24What a good idea.
15:25Yeah, a big scary one.
15:27I could hire a criminal.
15:29They're taking my money anyway.
15:30Why not give it to them hourly?
15:33All right, stop.
15:34Now you are a victim.
15:36You have lost all trust in humanity.
15:38Oh, Mary.
15:40Sweet little Mary.
15:42Do you actually believe that you can trust people?
15:45Yes, I do.
15:46Really?
15:50Do you trust me?
15:54Of course I do.
15:55And why not?
15:56You work with me.
15:57You see me every day.
15:59You know that I care about you.
16:00If you can't trust me, you can't trust anyone.
16:05Do you trust me?
16:06Huh?
16:06Huh?
16:07Huh?
16:07Dr. Sa...
16:11The police called.
16:13They have your mugger.
16:13They what?
16:14They have your mugger.
16:15This is great!
16:16You have to go down and identify him.
16:18Oh, I...
16:19Oh, no.
16:20Well, you've got to confront him.
16:23No, no.
16:24It's the only way to reassert control over your life.
16:27You'll feel better, believe me.
16:29Well, will you go with me?
16:32Yes.
16:32But give me a minute.
16:33There's one thing that I really have to do.
16:46Okay.
16:48Let's go.
16:52I'll get the car.
17:01You know, I'm real proud of you.
17:03For what?
17:04The way I slipped in and out of consciousness?
17:08No.
17:09For the way you were unashamed to show how non-athletic you are.
17:16Look, August, I've been thinking about this.
17:18And I've been trying to do everything that you think that I should do.
17:22But it's just not working.
17:23And I'm sorry if this redefines the parameters of our relationship.
17:27But you're just going to have to accept me for who I am,
17:30regardless if I'm short or lousy at basketball or whatever!
17:40You know, I kind of like it when you're assertive like this.
17:44You do?
17:45But not all the time.
17:47Well, how often do you think I should be assertive?
17:50Well, Tommy, if I told you that...
17:52Right, right, right.
17:53I'll figure it out.
17:54I'll figure it out.
17:55Is now a good time?
17:56Sure.
17:59Come on.
18:00Okay.
18:06Okay, Mr. Salomon, it's time to finger your purse.
18:08Oh, believe me, I've tried, but she just won't let me.
18:18No, we need you to ID your assailant.
18:21Oh, well, I hope I can remember what he looks like.
18:26I didn't really get a good look at him.
18:29It was dark, and it happened so quick.
18:32You!
18:36You owe me $400!
18:40That's a positive ID.
18:41Take his cuffs off!
18:43Take him off!
18:43I want a fair fight!
18:45Rusty!
18:50Oh!
18:51And by the way, mugger boy,
18:53your skin is not nearly as creamy as you'd like people to think!
18:58Dr. Albright, thank you!
19:01You were so right!
19:01All I had to do was confront him!
19:03And beat him senseless?
19:05Oh, no, no, no, no.
19:06That was pure gravy.
19:09You know, we never had that dinner.
19:12Care to join me?
19:13No.
19:14Not tonight.
19:16I'm going to do something that I haven't done for quite a while.
19:20Sleep.
19:21Of course, you're welcome to join me if you like.
19:25I'll pass.
19:28Just being polite.
19:33So, Don,
19:35when are you going to torture him?
19:37No, no, he still has to go to trial.
19:39So then you'll torture him at the trial?
19:41We don't work that way.
19:43Everyone has equal rights.
19:44That's the law.
19:47Oh, Don.
19:50I thought I knew you.
19:53We come from different worlds.
19:55No, we don't.
19:57You come from a place filled with laws and rights and fair trials.
20:02I come from a place where the wind blows cold.
20:05And the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything.
20:11You're from Chicago?
20:15Goodbye, Don.
20:17It's too bad.
20:20We could have been great.
20:22Sally, you've got me all wrong.
20:25They brought me up on brutality charges.
20:29There's a video.
20:33I think we should transfer $500 from our money market account to our checking account.
20:38We don't have a money market account.
20:40Shh.
20:41It doesn't know that.
20:44You know, I'm proud of us for coming out here tonight.
20:47Dr. Allwright said a very wise thing.
20:49She said,
20:50If you let fear drive you into hiding,
20:52then the criminals have won.
20:57Dick, there's someone behind us.
21:00What do they look like?
21:0375 female, very frail.
21:05What do we do, Lieutenant?
21:06Knock her down and run for the car.
21:07What about the money?
21:08We don't have time.
21:09Go!
21:09Yeah!
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