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Tv, 'Allo 'Allo - S5E07 - Post-Matrimonial Depression
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00:00You will note that Edith is over
00:28at the window table, gently weeping.
00:35The reason is as follows.
00:37I was, at the point of 20 guns,
00:39in the process of marrying Denise LaRocque,
00:41the head of the Communist resistance,
00:44when Edith, bravely or stupidly,
00:46depending upon your viewpoint,
00:48substituted herself for Denise
00:50in the hope of becoming my bride.
00:52Little did she know that my waitresses over there,
00:55who both have the odds for me,
00:58and substituted Crabtree,
00:59the idiot English agent for the Catholic priest.
01:02This, of course, means that the wedding was not legal.
01:05A, because he was not a proper priest,
01:08and B, because even the good Lord himself
01:10could not have understood one word of the ceremony.
01:15Boris, Boris.
01:18Madame Edith, we are mortified.
01:21We had your best interests at heart.
01:23And Renée's best interests.
01:25All our best interests.
01:27I was so near, and yet so far.
01:31But for your bungling,
01:33I would now be a respectable married woman.
01:35If you would all stop going on about your own selfish interests,
01:38you would realize what sort of a position I am left in.
01:41My childhood sweetheart, Denise LaRocque,
01:43kills any man who rejects her.
01:45And who will she blame for this fiasco?
01:46Me!
01:47Because I told everybody about the wedding plans.
01:50Do not worry, my would-be husband.
01:52She is safely owed up in the bottom of a mineshaft
01:55by Michelle of the Resistance.
01:57And what happens when she escapes?
01:59Oh, we will keep her there until after the war.
02:01I will send sandwiches down.
02:05And what about that lunatic gang of cutthroats
02:07who were on the bride's side of the aisle?
02:10If I may say so, monsieur,
02:12speaking as the best man,
02:14even I found it hard to hear the murmured responses.
02:18It is my belief
02:19they thought Madame Edith was Mademoiselle LaRocque,
02:22that the mariage took place,
02:24and that it is even now,
02:26at this moment, being consummated.
02:30Monsieur Alphonse, please!
02:32Such language!
02:33And what happens in two or three weeks
02:35when Denise LaRocque does not appear?
02:37Well, with your reputation, monsieur,
02:39it will be assumed
02:41that she is too exhausted
02:42to resume guerrilla warfare.
02:45What reputation?
02:47It is all part of the myth, Edith.
02:50Word of mouth exaggerates little things into big things.
02:53I blow up a bus station,
02:55it becomes an ammunition factory.
02:56You know how it is.
02:58But you are all to blame.
02:59Perhaps this will teach you to consult me
03:01before putting into effect your idiot plans.
03:03We are sorry, Renée.
03:05Just think.
03:07Denise LaRocque down a mineshaft.
03:09She will not like this.
03:10I can see her now,
03:12scraping at the bare earth with her bare hands,
03:15spitting my name between her clenched teeth.
03:17And what happens if she finds a shovel?
03:19Oh, my God, I wish I had not thought of that.
03:23The mineshaft is a mile deep.
03:26Is that all?
03:28There is someone at the door.
03:29It is the Communists.
03:30I knew it.
03:30Do not let them in.
03:32It is Michel from The Resistance.
03:34What?
03:36What are you doing here?
03:37You should be sitting on a big slab of stone
03:39on top of the mineshaft.
03:40The slab of stone is still in place.
03:42Oh, thank heavens.
03:43Unfortunately, Denise found a shovel.
03:45I am not dead, you silly cow.
04:12Pretend that you are.
04:13They are still outside.
04:15René!
04:16Dead!
04:17René!
04:19It would appear
04:21that they burst through the door
04:23and sprayed bullets into the cafe.
04:26René fell to the floor
04:28and expired.
04:31What were his last words?
04:33I believe
04:33Oh, heck, it hurts.
04:38I see.
04:39Nothing about the paintings.
04:41Colonel,
04:42there is an old man outside
04:44who says he is the father
04:45of the late René Artois.
04:46Show him in.
04:48Come in, Monsieur Artois.
04:54Sit down there, Monsieur Artois.
04:56You were most sad to hear
05:06of your loss.
05:07René spoke of you frequently,
05:10although he did not mention
05:12that you were a rabbi.
05:13Are we alone?
05:19Of course.
05:21Shut the door.
05:23Oh, good.
05:24Close the door.
05:26I have to tell you
05:27that I am not
05:30the father
05:31of René Artois.
05:33Then who are you?
05:35I am
05:35René Artois.
05:36The disguise is amazing.
05:44But, of course,
05:44I should have noticed
05:46those delicate hands.
05:52What is all this about, René?
05:53Colonel,
05:54I have come to ask
05:55for your help
05:55and to throw myself
05:56on your mercy.
05:57Indeed?
05:57What can we do for you?
05:59Well, first of all,
06:00that was not a proper wedding.
06:01Was it not?
06:02Tell us more.
06:03Well,
06:04under threat of death,
06:05I was ordered to marry
06:06the head
06:06of the Communist Resistance.
06:08Were you indeed?
06:09This explains a lot.
06:11Do you mean to tell me
06:12we were in the same church
06:13as the leader
06:14of the Communist Resistance
06:15and she was the bride?
06:17No, Colonel, no.
06:18No, Madam Edith
06:19from the cafe
06:19was the bride.
06:21Then are you now
06:21married to Madam Edith
06:23from the cafe?
06:24No,
06:25it was not a proper priest.
06:26Why was it not
06:27a proper priest?
06:28Because my waitress,
06:29Yvette,
06:30has hopes of marrying
06:31me herself,
06:32as does Mimi
06:32the other waitress,
06:33so they had
06:34replaced the proper priest
06:35with a bogus one.
06:37What complicated lives
06:38you French people lead.
06:41The head of the Communist Resistance
06:42is trying to kill me.
06:44Don't worry,
06:45you'll get used to it.
06:46They're trying to kill us
06:47all the time.
06:49Could you not give me
06:50some sort of protection?
06:51For instance,
06:52put an armed guard
06:53in my cafe,
06:54give me a bulletproof waistcoat,
06:57lend me a tank
06:57to go shopping.
06:59Really,
07:00you seem to forget
07:01that you are the enemy.
07:02Colonel,
07:03if you don't mind me saying,
07:04I am the enemy
07:05who knows where
07:05your paintings are written.
07:07In that case,
07:08we have the perfect solution.
07:10You produce the paintings,
07:11and we'll produce
07:12the protection.
07:14Helga,
07:14send for the guard.
07:19Guard!
07:20Come in here!
07:21Yeah!
07:25Throw this old peasant
07:26out into the street.
07:28Yes, Colonel!
07:32Open the window!
07:33What?
07:36Not out of the first floor window,
07:38out the front door!
07:42Helga,
07:43close the door
07:43and come here.
07:44Yes, Colonel.
07:48Our entire fortune
07:49is in Reni's hands.
07:51He's the only one
07:52who knows
07:52the whereabouts
07:53of the paintings.
07:53Here is the gun.
07:58You will follow him
07:59and you will give him
07:59every possible protection.
08:01If he is shot,
08:02I want you to be near enough
08:03to hear his dying words.
08:05What if his dying words
08:06do not concern
08:07the whereabouts
08:07of the paintings?
08:08Keep him alive.
08:09Slap his face.
08:10Ask him.
08:12Whatever you do,
08:13do not lose sight of him.
08:15Will I not be conspicuous
08:16standing outside the cafe
08:17all day
08:17brandishing this gun?
08:19Mingle with the peasants.
08:20Wear a disguise.
08:21It's an order.
08:24Yes, Colonel.
08:29Excuse me.
08:30Is this
08:31the secret headquarters
08:32of the Gestapo?
08:35It was until now.
08:39I wish to speak
08:41to Air Flick.
08:42It is very urgent.
08:44Who is it?
08:45I believe it
08:46to be a Jehovah's Witness.
08:47He's very, very old,
08:52but he appears
08:53to be harmless.
08:54Drag him in.
09:02Ah, Rene.
09:08Sit down.
09:09Your honeymoon
09:10has aged to considerate.
09:11Air Flick,
09:14this is a disguise.
09:16I'm a very uncomfortable one.
09:18Air Flick,
09:18my life is in danger
09:19from the communist resistance.
09:21Could you please
09:22lock me up
09:23in one of your dungeons
09:23for a few days
09:24until the heat is off?
09:25I am sure
09:26I could make it
09:26worth your while.
09:27Certainly not.
09:28We pick the people
09:29we lock up.
09:31We cannot have people
09:32walking in off the street
09:33asking to be locked up
09:34just to be protected
09:35from other people.
09:36Our dungeons
09:37would be so full
09:38we would have peasants
09:38coming out of our ears.
09:41Get him out of here.
09:43Air Flick says
09:44you are to get out.
09:46I am sorry
09:46to have troubled you,
09:47Air Flick.
09:49Oh, uh,
09:51could I have my beard back?
09:52Easy.
09:56Von Smallhausen,
09:58this man could lead us
09:59to the communist resistance.
10:01Follow him.
10:02Take photographs
10:03of anybody he meets,
10:04especially if they
10:05are assassinating him.
10:08Very good, Air Flick.
10:09Of course it's very good.
10:11I thought of it.
10:19Sharp.
10:22Service.
10:24Is this a police station
10:25or a mortuary?
10:29Will you please
10:31stop bonging the bill?
10:34I shall lick you up
10:36for disturbing the puss.
10:38That is a crud tree.
10:40It is I,
10:41René Artois.
10:42Will you lock me up, please?
10:44Are you confessing
10:45to some cream?
10:47Yes, cream galore.
10:50And that curse
10:51you must fill in a foam.
10:54Here is a list of creams.
10:57I will tick
10:58what you have been.
11:01Murder.
11:02No.
11:04Men's slaughter?
11:05No.
11:07Roop.
11:08Roop.
11:11No.
11:13Big glory.
11:16Big glory with menaces.
11:21Handbook snitching.
11:25Arson.
11:26What is arson?
11:37Setting fire to places.
11:39Look,
11:40my life is in danger,
11:42so I will confess
11:43to all of these things
11:44as long as you lock me up.
11:46I see.
11:47Unfortunately,
11:48all the sills
11:48are filled to capacity.
11:50could you come back
11:52next week?
11:54Oh, my God.
11:57Why do I pay rates?
12:03Here is your dinner, Mama.
12:06Boiled rabbit bone gruel.
12:07Oh.
12:09Oh.
12:11What is to follow?
12:13Skewed prunes.
12:14Skewed prunes,
12:17it is a terrible war.
12:21Oh, oh.
12:21Oh, no, it is.
12:22Now, sit down and listen.
12:25Now,
12:25you remember
12:26my grandmother's clock?
12:29Do you know
12:29the one
12:30with the jeweled face?
12:32Oh.
12:33Do you mean
12:34the one that was stolen
12:35from Marie Antoinette's boudoir
12:36by the scullery maid
12:37who was stabbed to death
12:38by your great-great-grandfather's uncle
12:40who passed it on
12:41to his illegitimate son
12:42who died of leprosy
12:43and left it
12:44to your mother's brother's
12:45second wife?
12:47No, not that.
12:48I cannot find it.
12:51The one I am talking about
12:54is very valuable
12:56and I have sent it
12:57to be repaired.
12:59Oh, it is.
13:00It was to be
13:01your wedding gift.
13:03Oh, Mama.
13:05Now,
13:06when it comes back,
13:08I want it up here
13:09in my room.
13:11Is it of great
13:12sentimental value?
13:13Hmm,
13:14yes,
13:15it is.
13:16And I also
13:18wish to tell
13:19the time.
13:24Um,
13:25we British airmen
13:26come from the skies,
13:28shot down,
13:30wish to give up.
13:31Are you mad?
13:33It's every officer's
13:33duty to escape.
13:35Good heavens,
13:36it's crab tea.
13:37Listen,
13:38weren't you sent
13:39to get us back
13:39to England?
13:40Well, it's very difficult.
13:42Don't you know
13:43there's a war on?
13:45We've been here for ages
13:47and nothing seems to happen.
13:48Well, to be perfectly honest,
13:50we're not at all satisfied
13:51with these de Gaulle
13:52resistance people
13:53and we're thinking
13:53of taking our business
13:54elsewhere.
13:56Communists seem
13:57to have more go
13:57in them.
13:58Communists?
13:59I don't like the sound
14:00of that.
14:01Daddy would lose
14:02his seat.
14:03Parliament?
14:04Wimbledon.
14:07No, definitely
14:08not the Communists.
14:10Haven't you got
14:10a liberal resistance?
14:12Yes,
14:13but he's in bed
14:14with the flu.
14:17Oh, I am very worried
14:18about René.
14:19It is ages
14:20since anyone
14:21has seen him.
14:22If that woman
14:22has shot him,
14:23I will spend
14:24the rest of my life
14:25hounding her down.
14:27You must all
14:27be very brave
14:28and carry on
14:29as normal.
14:31Monsieur Leclerc,
14:33you have not
14:34cleaned behind the bar.
14:36It's full of
14:37empty bottle tops.
14:38I will attend
14:38to it at once,
14:39madam.
14:41Almanacs,
14:42old Moors almanacs,
14:45who will buy
14:47an old Moors
14:48almanac
14:49or an old Moors
14:51almanac seller?
14:53It is I,
14:57Leclerc.
14:57Leclerc.
14:58No,
14:59it is I,
15:01Leclerc.
15:03Well,
15:04I am in great danger
15:05and nobody
15:06will protect me.
15:07They search
15:07for me everywhere.
15:08Every minute
15:08there is an attempt
15:09on my life.
15:14Special delivery
15:15for Artois.
15:16Oh,
15:17oh,
15:18wonderful.
15:20It is ticking.
15:22Ticking?
15:23It is a bomb.
15:25No,
15:26Rene.
15:30You fool.
15:32That was not a bomb.
15:33It was a precious
15:34clock.
15:36Mama was going to
15:36give it to us
15:37for our wedding,
15:37wasn't it?
15:38Why did you not say?
15:40Oh,
15:41what am I going to do?
15:44The shock
15:45will kill her.
15:46It will be ready
15:54a week
15:55on Thursday.
16:02Rene,
16:03something very strange
16:04is happening
16:05in the street.
16:06Do not let them in.
16:08It is Mimi,
16:09look.
16:30The cigarette holder.
16:32The tight skirt.
16:34The poodle.
16:35Are you about to offer
16:36me a good time,
16:37yeah?
16:37How would you like
16:40to go to the
16:40Russian front?
16:42I was hoping
16:43for a place
16:43a bit nearer.
16:46Okay.
16:54What is your game,
16:55mademoiselle?
16:56This is our pitch.
16:58Do you want to
16:58get your face
16:59bashed in?
17:00It is I,
17:01Helga.
17:03Helga?
17:04I am here
17:05to protect Rene
17:06from assassination.
17:07Where is he?
17:08He is hiding
17:08in the cafe.
17:09I did not see him
17:10enter.
17:11He is in disguise.
17:12Follow me.
17:22Oh,
17:23it is Helga.
17:25Helga?
17:27Well,
17:27I expect the smoke
17:33is bothering him.
17:36Sit.
17:38I am working
17:39under orders
17:40to protect you,
17:41Rene.
17:41Oh,
17:41see,
17:42Rene,
17:42you do have friends
17:43after all.
17:44Helga,
17:45you should not
17:45be doing this.
17:47It is very dangerous.
17:48Street girls
17:49have protectors.
17:51They are called
17:52pimps.
17:52You must not
17:54underestimate
17:54the efficiency
17:55of the German army.
17:59I have a gun.
18:01I also have
18:02a pimp.
18:04That is Gruber.
18:16Please,
18:16not so loud.
18:18I do not wish
18:19my fellow officers
18:20to find out
18:21that I am running
18:21a woman.
18:25What is going on?
18:27We are very keen
18:28to protect you
18:29from harm.
18:30Apart from
18:31the high regard
18:32in which we hold
18:33you as a person
18:34and friend,
18:35you know the whereabouts
18:36of the paintings
18:36which are going
18:37to keep us
18:37all after the war.
18:39Rene,
18:40I am sure
18:41if you told
18:41Lieutenant Gruber
18:42where the paintings
18:42are,
18:43he would do
18:44his utmost
18:45to protect you.
18:46You may rely
18:47on it.
18:49The paintings
18:50are in the headquarters
18:51of the Communist
18:52Resistance.
18:53But if you think
18:54I am going
18:54looking for them,
18:55you've got another
18:55thing coming.
18:56This places me
18:57in a very difficult
18:58position, Rene.
18:59If I do not
19:00produce the paintings
19:01for General
19:02von Klinkerhofen,
19:02he will send me
19:03to the Russian Front.
19:05This is quite simple.
19:06We will consider
19:07all the facts
19:07and then we will
19:08form a plan.
19:10Let us all sit down
19:11calmly and have
19:11a glass of wine.
19:12Monsieur Leclerc,
19:13wine.
19:18We must not forget
19:20that we have copies
19:20of the paintings.
19:21Where are they?
19:22They are in my larder,
19:24safely eaten
19:24in a variety
19:25of sausages,
19:26mostly knuckwurst.
19:29Could we not
19:30give them to the
19:30General
19:31to keep him quiet?
19:33Lieutenant Gruba,
19:34how do you feel
19:35about attacking
19:35the Communist
19:36headquarters
19:37in your little tank?
19:38Well,
19:39to be frank,
19:41frightened.
19:45This is a very
19:46good vintage,
19:47is it,
19:47from our cellar?
19:48No, no, no, no.
19:49It was sent to you
19:50as a present
19:50with a note
19:52to say
19:52good luck.
19:54Oh, Rene,
19:54he has so many
19:55admirers.
19:57Shall I, Paul?
19:59Go ahead.
20:03Give me the bottle,
20:04you're getting more
20:04in the table
20:05than on the glass.
20:07Rene!
20:12That is it.
20:13They are after me.
20:14I am not staying here
20:14one moment longer.
20:16I am heading
20:17for the statement.
20:20There must be a vacancy
20:21for a pukulcock salesman
20:22somewhere in Switzerland.
20:23Rene,
20:23you must not leave here.
20:25Look out.
20:25We will have to
20:26prevent you from leaving.
20:30Stand back.
20:32I am a desperate man.
20:35Anybody who tries
20:37to follow me
20:38will do so
20:39at their peril.
20:40Rene,
20:41I've never seen you
20:42like this.
20:47Anybody who tries
20:49to follow
20:49will die.
20:52Farewell.
21:00Do not make a sound.
21:03Denise is waiting
21:04in the truck.
21:05She wants to have
21:06a little talk
21:07with you.
21:09Why would she
21:11want to talk
21:12to an old,
21:13lame,
21:13bent old man?
21:15Can you not see
21:17that I am
21:17my father?
21:32Ah,
21:33you must be Denise.
21:36I am the dear,
21:37old,
21:38lame father
21:39of Rene Atwa,
21:40who was so
21:41sadly shot.
21:43Take off
21:44that disguise.
21:48Now look,
21:48I can explain
21:51about the church.
21:52There were so many
21:52people waiting
21:53to marry me
21:54that some of them
21:55resented you
21:55jumping the queue.
21:57Save your words.
21:58I know the truth.
21:59In a fit of peak,
22:00I tried to have you
22:01shot,
22:02only to discover
22:02that you were
22:03blameless.
22:04It is the women
22:05of the cafe
22:05that I should kill.
22:06Well,
22:07of course,
22:07yes,
22:08they are to blame,
22:09but is not killing
22:10a bit drastic?
22:12I am sure
22:13they would apologise,
22:14pay you nominal damages.
22:16They will meet
22:17their fate
22:17in the fullness
22:18of time.
22:20Now,
22:21oath me,
22:22kiss me,
22:23crush your lips
22:24with my lips
22:25and tell me
22:25you will never
22:26leave me again.
22:27I will never
22:28give you a chance.
22:31Now,
22:31I have bad news.
22:33I must go to Lyon
22:34for the party conference.
22:36I have been nominated
22:37to be party chairman.
22:38Oh, dear.
22:39Can you not get out of it?
22:40No.
22:41All is ready for me.
22:43The ballots
22:44have been rigged.
22:45The moderates
22:45are under lock and key.
22:47The democratic process
22:49must take its course.
22:50But I shall return
22:52for revenge
22:54and for love.
22:55I can hardly wait.
23:00A German patrol
23:01is approaching.
23:02Quick.
23:03I must go.
23:11Farewell,
23:12love of my life,
23:13until I return.
23:25I must go.
23:26I must go.
23:27I must go.
23:28I must go.
23:28I must go.
23:28I must go.
23:29I must go.
23:29I must go.
23:30I must go.
23:30I must go.
23:31I must go.
23:31I must go.
23:32I must go.
23:32I must go.
23:33I must go.
23:33I must go.
23:34I must go.
23:34I must go.
23:35I must go.
23:35I must go.
23:36I must go.
23:36I must go.
23:37I must go.
23:37I must go.
23:38I must go.
23:38I must go.
23:39I must go.
23:39I must go.
23:40I must go.
23:40I must go.
23:41I must go.
23:41I must go.
23:42I must go.
23:42I must go.
23:43I must go.
23:43I must go.
23:44I must go.
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