- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Great session, everybody.
00:02And don't forget, do your best, don't assume, don't take it personal, and be your word.
00:08I'll never remember all that. I'm just gonna pick two.
00:10I'll take assume and that word thing.
00:12Oh, man, I was gonna do the word thing.
00:15Everybody can do the word thing.
00:17It wasn't meant to be an assignment. It's more of a motto.
00:20It's too long. A motto's gotta fit on a bumper sticker.
00:23Like Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
00:26Ed, you should check your bumper because the one on your car now says,
00:30my other ride is a penis.
00:33How do these things happen? It's a mystery.
00:36Guys, guys, if bumper stickers ever changed people's minds,
00:39we wouldn't even be here right now
00:40because we'd all rather be fishing and breaking for boobs.
00:43See you Monday.
00:45Sorry to barge in. I'm just outside waiting, Dad.
00:50Everybody, I'd like to introduce my daughter, Edie.
00:53I hate that name. Y'all just call me little Ed.
00:57This is fantastic.
01:01My car broke down.
01:03I hope you don't mind that Heather picked me up here.
01:05I put in a new clutch, but your throw-out bearing's fine.
01:08I need to pick up a new pressure plate,
01:10but Jenny's at the gyno. Won't be opening up the shop till 4.
01:15Who else feels like they just learned a lot?
01:18About cars?
01:19We all did.
01:21Like I said, I'll see you Monday.
01:22Great meeting, y'all.
01:24You mind if I grab a muffin?
01:26Of course not. It's also Danish.
01:27Nah.
01:29I just got to think about muffins.
01:34So, Ed, your daughter knows a lot about cars.
01:38Did she learn that from her...
01:40boyfriend?
01:41Nah.
01:41She's just natural with machines.
01:44You know, I can't remember a time when she didn't have a hammer or a drill or something strapped on her.
01:50All right.
01:55I am bleeding from biting my lip.
01:57This is huge.
01:59Can't we just get Ed back in here and tell him that his daughter is gay?
02:02I don't think he knows,
02:03and I am willing to pay for the extra half hour to tell him right now.
02:08Patrick, that is not how group works.
02:10Even if she is gay,
02:11no one here can force the issue.
02:13Yeah, or Ed's daughter will kick your ass.
02:15Hey, got a minute?
02:19Sure, what's up?
02:20This came for you.
02:22Sam, don't you have some homework to do?
02:24Not when I know you're trying to get me out of the room, I don't.
02:27We don't hide things from our daughter, Jen.
02:30Oh, crap, it's from Meredith.
02:31Sam, get out. It's a secret.
02:33Who's Meredith?
02:35I think you're old enough now.
02:37My sister.
02:38Your Aunt Meredith.
02:40I have an aunt that I don't even know about?
02:42How about being grateful for all the relatives we did tell you about?
02:45You should be ashamed of yourself.
02:47Now go to your room right now.
02:49I can't believe this.
02:50Do I have a brother that I don't know about, too?
02:53Hope not.
02:57How many times do I have to move to get away from this screaming harpy?
03:00Well, just give the harpy your new address.
03:02I don't want any more letters from the underworld.
03:05Oh, my God.
03:06She's having a baby shower.
03:09The evil one is about to spawn.
03:13Well, she deserves every stretch mark she gets.
03:15She's an awful person, Charlie.
03:17I do not like her.
03:19I still get pissed when I think about what you said to you at our baby shower.
03:22Are you sure you're emotionally stable enough to be a mom?
03:24You could still put the option in adoption, stupid bitch.
03:29I know.
03:31Like we weren't ready to have a baby.
03:34We planned that baby, right?
03:37Yeah, we planned it.
03:38I don't talk to my sister for ten years.
03:45I get one letter from her at Torpedoes my entire week.
03:48Have you ever opened up a dialogue with Meredith about this?
03:51Depends.
03:52It's screw you.
03:53No, screw you, a dialogue.
03:55Doesn't sound like you've had any real communication.
03:58I've tried.
03:59Ten years ago, the last time we talked, she brought up the babysitting money she claims
04:03I stole from her.
04:05I brought up Christmas where she showed up high.
04:06She brought up Easter where I showed up high.
04:10How did it end?
04:11That's how screw you, no, screw you got started.
04:13So you've just written this person out of your life.
04:17There's no coming back.
04:18There's no second chances.
04:20That's how the Goodsons work.
04:21Eliminate the problem.
04:22Make them disappear.
04:23Dog choose the remote control.
04:25Next day, dog's gone.
04:27Sister calls your wife a moron.
04:28Sister's gone.
04:31Charlie, at some point in your life, she'll be one of the last people who remembers your childhood.
04:35She'll be the only one to share these memories with.
04:38So I guess you think I should go to the baby shower and try to patch things up.
04:42It's up to you.
04:42But the next chance you get will be at one of your parents' funerals.
04:46You're right.
04:47I'll be too sad at my mom's and at my dad's.
04:50I'll be too busy playing dance, dance revolution on his grave.
04:54Charlie, I'm really proud of you.
04:56I'm proud of you, too.
04:57For what?
04:58Going with me.
05:00Oh, no.
05:02Hey, I am taking a trip to Anger Trigger City.
05:04I'm going to need backup.
05:06I hate baby showers.
05:08I hate babies.
05:09They have no concept of my importance.
05:11Well, maybe this will be an enlightening experience for you, too.
05:14Besides, the baby's still inside my sister.
05:16Oh, God.
05:17Just the thought of a human being walking around with a giant parasite inside them.
05:21It gives me the creeps.
05:23Oh, yeah?
05:24Wait till you hear where it comes out.
05:25So far, so good.
05:31A little bit of anxiety on the way to the baby shower, but nothing worth mentioning.
05:35Charlie, what are you doing?
05:37Giving you a status report.
05:38You know, passing time.
05:42I'm going to be in this car for six hours.
05:44I don't need emotional traffic updates on the 10s.
05:48This just in.
05:50A little bit of annoyance in the driver's seat.
05:51You know what annoys me most?
05:56Everyone at the baby shower is going to treat us like we're a couple.
05:59What's wrong with that?
06:00I mean, even though we're not a couple, it says we can't do stuff together and have fun.
06:04Couples don't have fun.
06:06They sit in a car and make idle chit-chat and pass the time.
06:10And then they die.
06:12Come on.
06:13There's no reason this can't be a good time.
06:15We're going to have our meals together.
06:17I got us some rooms.
06:18Room?
06:18We're sleeping together?
06:21I don't want this to get weird.
06:23How can sleeping in a bed be weirder than what we usually do in a bed?
06:27What we do is sex.
06:29That's not weird.
06:30People do things in their sleep.
06:32I remember my mom telling me how my dad used to fart and cry in his sleep.
06:38Well, I promise not to cry.
06:40See?
06:41We're already starting down that bad road toward being a couple.
06:44We're talking about farting.
06:45You know, as the farting increases, the sex decreases.
06:50Until you're just two lonely people lying at opposite ends of the bed farting at each other.
06:57Now I know why he was crying.
06:58I'm just, I'm really glad you showed up.
07:04Well, whatever the problem is, I don't want to hear any gay details.
07:08No hand-holding, no boy-kissing.
07:10Why won't the government let me get married?
07:12I'll tell you why.
07:14Because they don't want you to have the tax deduction.
07:17You people are industrious.
07:18You're worth more to us single.
07:22Thanks.
07:23I guess.
07:23Okay, just, all right, this is a tricky conversation.
07:27I'm going to stop you right there.
07:29Don't tiptoe or sashay or prance or whatever you people do around the subject.
07:33Just rip the band-aid off and get right to it.
07:35Your daughter's gay.
07:36Oh, my God, you knew?
07:41Son, she's not gay.
07:44I'm laughing because I wish I had a nickel for all the people who came up to me and told me that.
07:51Her kindergarten teacher, her golf instructor, the Navy recruiter.
07:56Just because a girl's a little different, not some frail little thing, and she's got her own ideas about how to dress,
08:05people automatically assume that she plays for the other team.
08:09Ed, she's the coach of the other team.
08:13Hey, guys, anything?
08:15I'll have a Miller on tap, and Oprah over here will have a, what, a Diet Coke?
08:22I will have a Miller, too.
08:24Light?
08:25Yes.
08:26I bet people have told you you're a lesbian.
08:30Maybe when I was back in college, and they'd be right, but not recently, no.
08:36Unless this is some kind of bass-ackwards way to see if I'm into crazy older dudes, and I'm not there yet.
08:42I'm just making a point here that people naturally assume that if a woman's strong and independent, she's gay.
08:50Wow, I didn't see that coming.
08:53Okay, I'll bang you.
08:54Well, she's got a nice swing on her back porch.
09:01Your daughter would say that, too.
09:02She's a lesbian, and...
09:04You met her for two minutes.
09:06I'm her dad.
09:07What makes you think you know her better than I do?
09:09Okay, that's fair.
09:10Does she date?
09:11Well, she's a busy girl.
09:12She doesn't have time for boys right now.
09:14She's got her job in the daytime, grooming dogs, and at night, she takes care of maintenance at the Pitching Putt.
09:19Short of being a fluffer for the indigo girls, I don't know how she could be any more gay.
09:26No, I'm not saying this to hurt you.
09:28It's just a vibe that gay people are sensitive to.
09:31And you think I should go home and confront my daughter based on some vibe that you have?
09:37There is a one in a million chance that I'm wrong.
09:40But if I'm right, your daughter could be terrified of what you might think about her if she told you.
09:45Is that what you wanted for your little girl when she was five years old, out in the backyard, playing with her trucks?
09:51Now you got me thinking.
09:55Here's your beers, guys.
09:58Hey, just curious.
09:59You're not wealthy or anything, are you?
10:02Uh, nope.
10:03I'm on a fixed income, but I do have full medical.
10:07Well, I mean, I just remembered.
10:10I am still a lesbian.
10:16I don't think I can do this.
10:18Don't set yourself up for failure.
10:19She is probably looking forward to seeing you because she's happy about her stupid little baby.
10:26Just not real thrilled about Meredith thinking we're a couple.
10:29Kate, don't worry.
10:30She'll be too busy ragging on me to even notice you.
10:38Hello, Meredith.
10:39Oh.
10:40So you showed up.
10:43Bill, he's here.
10:44I owe you 50 bucks.
10:47And Jennifer, what happened to you?
10:49You used to be so cute.
10:53What did you do to your hair?
10:57Yeah.
10:57Jennifer.
11:02Thank you so much.
11:04You really didn't have to make us a plate.
11:06No, you need to eat.
11:07You're like a stick with an emo wig.
11:09And I still feel bad about thinking you were Jen.
11:14Oh, the stick thing makes up for that.
11:18So, why'd you hide from me for 10 years?
11:2010 years?
11:22Boy, time goes by so fast when I'm not talking to you.
11:26Same old Charlie.
11:27I'm sorry, Meredith.
11:30You've displayed a lot of emotional growth by having me here.
11:33And I know that our dynamic hasn't always been the best, but perhaps this is a chance for us to get a fresh start at a good, healthy sibling relationship.
11:41Ooh.
11:42Somebody went to the learning annex.
11:43I'm just saying, I think Mom and Dad set us up to compete against each other.
11:48We're both victims here.
11:50You know what?
11:50I'm glad you said that, because I don't want to fight anymore.
11:53I'm trying to get rid of all my anger before the baby's born.
11:56You know, managing anger is my specialty.
11:59I'm a therapist now.
12:00Don't make me laugh.
12:01I wouldn't let you analyze my urine.
12:05Okay, that BS might work in L.A., but to me, you're just the thief who stole my babysitting money.
12:11Wow.
12:12You remember everything from our childhood.
12:15Hey, who knows?
12:16Maybe in the future, we'll be able to download all those memories, and we won't even need your head.
12:21Charlie, Charlie, come quick.
12:23They're about to play the newlywed game with the other couples.
12:25I hope we win.
12:26Yay!
12:27Yay!
12:27Coming.
12:37I need your help.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:40You have to talk.
12:40Is she okay?
12:41How did it go?
12:42I can't do it.
12:43I've been with her all day, and I've tried to ask her about five times.
12:46Where is she now?
12:47She's parking the car.
12:50I need you to talk to her.
12:51If she is a lesbian, then you speak the same language.
12:57It's all English, Ed.
13:00Except that a queen is not a member of the royal family, and tops and bottoms have nothing to do with pajamas.
13:08Ed?
13:08Wait, why does she think she's here?
13:10I told her you were gay and your toilet's broken.
13:13Because I'm gay, I can't fix my own toilet.
13:15Well, can you?
13:16No.
13:17It's not because I'm gay.
13:18It's because I'm spoiled.
13:18Open the door.
13:19Hi, honey.
13:23I jiggled the handle.
13:24It's everything's fine.
13:26Great.
13:27Good to see you again.
13:28Come on, Dad.
13:29If we hurry, we can still get down to the work boot warehouse before it closes.
13:33Would you mind just sitting down for a second?
13:37Your dad wants me to talk to you.
13:39Everything okay?
13:41Yeah.
13:42Everything's fine, and it gets better.
13:47Now, this is kind of awkward, because I hardly know you, and I don't like your father.
13:55But don't you think it's probably time that you tell your dad that you're a lesbian?
14:01Why would I do that?
14:02I'm not gay.
14:03There.
14:04What did I tell you?
14:05Come on, little Ed.
14:06Let's go get you a pair of work boots.
14:07Wait a minute.
14:09Come on, you've got the uniform, the haircut, the chain wallet.
14:14It is okay.
14:15This is something that your dad needs to deal with, and I'll just say it with me.
14:20Dad, you made a gay kid.
14:23I don't like girls.
14:25I like boys.
14:26You tell him, honey.
14:28And I like my clothes.
14:29And I like my haircut.
14:31I don't look like a lesbian.
14:33Lesbians look like me.
14:35That's my girl.
14:36I've probably been with more men than you have.
14:40I've been with more men than anybody.
14:43No, seriously, Dad.
14:44Like a hundred.
14:47What?
14:47I'm a grown woman.
14:49I don't tell you everything I do, and I want to keep it that way, but I guess you needed
14:53to hear it.
14:55I like men.
14:58A lot.
14:59You.
15:07I'm so sorry, Ed.
15:09I was just so excited to rub your nose in the fact that your daughter was gay that I totally
15:14missed she was a freak.
15:15I hope this doesn't trigger any of your anger issues.
15:20No, like I said before, she just hadn't found the right guy.
15:24It's not for lack of trying.
15:28Okay, girls, come take your seats.
15:30I hate these women.
15:33What happened?
15:33Let me get you caught up.
15:35We're all very excited about the shoe sale at TJ Maxx this weekend, and all the girls
15:39want to know how much money you give me for shopping.
15:42Oh, and did you know Jenny's husband pays her for oral sex?
15:45Oh, and her name is Jenny.
15:48Okay, I asked the men, according to your wife, what's the most romantic day of the year
15:57for you?
15:58Let's start with Kayla and Bob.
16:01Our anniversary.
16:02Oh, Bob said his birthday.
16:04Kim?
16:05Valentine's Day.
16:06Joe said his birthday.
16:08Jenny?
16:09Christmas.
16:10Oh, Jenny.
16:13Lou said his birthday.
16:18Oh, my God.
16:19These guys only get laid on their birthday?
16:21Jenny must be making a fortune.
16:24Kate?
16:26Um, December 21st.
16:28I don't know.
16:29It's the longest night of the year.
16:30More time to bang.
16:33Wow.
16:35Charlie said December 21st, too.
16:37Oh, you said that.
16:39Is that your birthday, Charlie?
16:43No, I'm pretty sure my birthday comes four or five times a week.
16:48C.M.I.
16:50Okay, the second question I asked is, what will your partner say is the perfect number of
16:55children?
16:57Kayla?
16:58Five.
16:59Hmm.
16:59Bob said four.
17:00But we already have five.
17:03Joe and I talk a lot about this.
17:05I'm sure he said two.
17:07Joe said more than two.
17:11As many as the Lord will bless us with.
17:14You said one.
17:15Oh, you went with the number?
17:20Kate?
17:21I'm sure all your kids are great.
17:24And at least four of yours.
17:28But I have to be honest.
17:30I don't like kids.
17:31So I'm going to have to say zero.
17:34Wow.
17:35Charlie said you'd say I don't like kids.
17:37So I'll say zero.
17:38Why are we winning this thing?
17:42Because we're not a couple.
17:44We talk and actually listen to each other.
17:46Oh.
17:47And I don't charge a hundred dollar entry fee.
17:51What do you mean you don't like kids?
17:53I mean, I think they're great if you have the time for them.
17:58Oh.
17:59So you're one of those.
18:00One of those?
18:01Last time I looked, we were up two zip.
18:03Let's play the game.
18:05You know, one of those women who won't have kids because she's too selfish and she wants
18:09to be the center of the universe.
18:11Selfish?
18:12I've dedicated my life to helping people every day.
18:14I just don't think it's mandatory that I have a tiny version of myself to push into
18:18living out my failed dreams.
18:21Kate does help people.
18:22Not by saying things like that.
18:24But she is a great therapist.
18:27Well, a woman's body was made to have babies.
18:30Now, hold on.
18:31A woman can do whatever she wants with her body.
18:34Kate may not be making babies, but trust me, she does use her vagina for good.
18:40You know what?
18:41Maybe it's best that you don't want to be a mom.
18:43Excuse me?
18:45I mean, I'd hate to be your kid.
18:47There's an anorexic little drug problem waiting to happen.
18:50Oh, damn it.
18:51Meredith, you're so judgmental.
18:52Every time I bring somebody around, you have to start something.
18:55What the hell is wrong with you?
18:56No anger around the baby.
18:58Well, then you better get it under your body fast, because right now it's swimming around
19:01in a pool of angriotic fluid.
19:04What the hell does that mean?
19:05I don't know.
19:06You've been making me say things I don't understand for 35 years.
19:09Charlie, take a breath.
19:11You can either choose to continue or walk away.
19:14You see that?
19:15She'd be a great mom.
19:16That's the kind of thing she'd say.
19:18Oh, and she'd keep her kid from saying this.
19:20I'll see you in another 10 years, bitch.
19:25Well, thank you for the delightful pastries.
19:28We had a lovely time.
19:31May I take one of these home?
19:32All right.
19:37So are you ready to talk about what happened back there?
19:39I know, I know.
19:41I played right into her hands.
19:42I feel lousy that when I'm old, I'm just going to be alone, sitting in a rest home, desperately
19:48trying to recall some happy memory from my childhood.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Well, that's not what I want to talk about.
19:54Why in the world would you feel the need to defend me?
19:59You're mad that I defended you?
20:01I said good things about your vagina.
20:05You acted like we were a couple.
20:08That's why I didn't want to stay in the same hotel room.
20:10That's why I didn't want to play the newlywed game.
20:12And that's why I didn't want to go to this damn baby shower.
20:15Yes, dear.
20:16Don't do that.
20:20Yes, dear.
20:22I am not messing around.
20:24We are not now, nor will we ever be a couple.
20:31So you're not going to pass that truck?
20:33You're just going to stay behind it for the next 75 miles?
20:38You really didn't like me defending you?
20:41No, I did.
20:43That's why I didn't like it.
20:44And how did you feel when we were winning the newlywed game?
20:48Good.
20:49That's why I hated it.
20:52You know one thing couples never do?
20:54Die happy.
20:57Have sex in a car on the side of a road.
20:59Yeah.
21:00That would certainly make two people not a couple.
21:05What would you say if I pulled over right here?
21:08I'd say, happy birthday, Charlie.
21:12Give me a hundred bucks.
21:14I'm never going to get back.
21:22ibrsteat.com
21:24My boy song comes down.
21:24I never dare.
21:25Give me a second.
21:28I was prevention.
21:28I'm sorry.
21:29I don't care.
21:29I'm sorry.
21:30I'm sorry.
21:30I don't care.
21:31I don't care.
21:32I'm good.
21:34I don't care.
21:36I'm sorry.
21:37I don't care.
21:39But this is the value.
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