- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, who would like to start today?
00:02I would.
00:04Oh, whoa, what's with the attitude?
00:06It's a splint.
00:08I broke my finger last night because of you.
00:10See, everybody?
00:13And how exactly was I involved in that?
00:15You didn't answer your phone.
00:17I was in line at a club when some dog-faced bitch shoved me
00:20and I tripped and fell on the ground.
00:22And that's how you broke your finger?
00:24No.
00:24I was angry, so I called Charlie to talk me down,
00:27but you didn't pick up.
00:28So I found said bitch, took her face,
00:31shoved it into the turntable,
00:32got my finger caught in her cheap-ass weave,
00:34and it broke.
00:36First of all, said therapist takes no responsibility
00:39for said bitch slam.
00:41But Lacey, if you hadn't gotten a hold of me,
00:43what would I have said?
00:44You would have said for me to use my communication skills,
00:47express my hurt, breathe deeply, and walk away.
00:51So why didn't you do that?
00:52I couldn't get in touch with you.
00:55Okay, let's solve this problem.
00:56Well, if we took some of that tape around her wrist
00:59and put it over her mouth,
01:00I think that'd solve it.
01:05Look, you all know the basic techniques
01:06of anger management.
01:07Now, in the event that you can't get through to me,
01:09there's no reason you can't contact each other.
01:11We'll call it the anger buddy call system.
01:13This is actually a really good idea.
01:16Ed, you'll call Patrick.
01:17Oh, crap.
01:19Patrick, you'll call Nolan.
01:20And Nolan...
01:21Ed calls me.
01:22I call Patrick.
01:23Oh, crap.
01:25Nolan, you'll call Lacey.
01:26And Lacey, you call Ed.
01:30Hello?
01:31Hi.
01:33Guys, I don't think you're getting the idea.
01:36Nolan, if you call Lacey again, you better be...
01:37On fire.
01:39...with rage and about to...
01:40Stab yourself in the face.
01:42Lacey, sometimes I worry that you're...
01:44Too bitter to ever find a good guy to love me,
01:47that I'm gonna end up living in some 90s stucco condo
01:51in Burbank with some loser.
01:53Like Nolan!
01:54No one!
02:05Hey, Charlie!
02:12Hi, Kate.
02:13Don't worry about it, Charlie.
02:15This is my friend, Victor.
02:16Nice to meet you.
02:17Pleasure.
02:18Victor and I met at a silent auction
02:19for the Museum of Contemporary Arts.
02:21We got into a little bidding war
02:22over one of Andy Warhol's wigs.
02:24We were outbid by the Sultan of Brunei.
02:27Marilyn!
02:29I feel ya.
02:30Can't tell ya how many wigs I've lost to that guy.
02:33What a dick.
02:36Hey, we'll see you tonight.
02:37Mmm.
02:38Mmm.
02:42Excuse me, but don't you want to have
02:43a little play date tonight?
02:44Victor and I are going to engage
02:47in some pseudo-intellectual one-upsmanship
02:50over dinner, then the symphony,
02:51and then I'm coming over to your place to bang.
02:54So, how are you feeling today?
02:56Stupid, but bangable.
02:58Oh, come on.
02:59You're not jealous.
03:00Of Grandpa Victor?
03:02Oh, I'm sure his tales of the Old West
03:03are spellbinding.
03:06He just has a brilliant intellect,
03:08and I find him fascinating.
03:09Should you guys ever go out during the day,
03:10or does the sunlight make him burst into flames?
03:12Charlie, I can't believe you're this upset.
03:15You barely met the guy.
03:16Well, you saw how he was.
03:17The Sultan of Brunei stole my wig.
03:21Look, just because I like someone smart
03:23doesn't mean you're dumb.
03:24You are the smartest ex-baseball player I know.
03:28Victor's just been a cultured intellectual
03:30all his life.
03:31You're nouveau smart.
03:33Hey, hey, I've been smart my whole life.
03:35I just happen to be a good-looking athlete
03:36that didn't need to use it to get girls.
03:38But I've always had that bullet in the chamber.
03:42Just waiting for my looks to fade.
03:45I'm still waiting.
03:48Charlie, double-shot latte.
03:52I'm sorry, Allie,
03:54but I ordered a double-shot espresso.
03:56Would you mind drinking this anyway?
03:57Because if you return it, then I've got to pay for it.
03:59Tell you what,
04:00I'll bet that in the next five minutes,
04:02someone will want a double-shot latte.
04:03And if not, I'll pay for it.
04:05Well, statistically,
04:06considering the number of drinks that we offer,
04:08the foot traffic this time of day,
04:09and the relative popularity of a double-shot latte,
04:11you're looking at odds of 20 to 1.
04:14Wow.
04:15Impressive.
04:15Where'd that come from?
04:16I'm working on my Ph.D.
04:17in applied statistical economics.
04:19And you just used it in your real life?
04:21You might be the first person to ever do that.
04:24But I think your odds are way off.
04:26You want to bet?
04:27Okay, but I'm legally bound to warn you
04:29that I'm a psychotherapist,
04:30and I know the power of subliminal primate
04:32and cognitive influence.
04:33Oh, impressive.
04:35And I guarantee that someone will order one of these
04:38in the next five minutes.
04:39You're on.
04:40Okay.
04:41Clock starts right now.
04:43Hello.
04:44I'd like a double-shot latte, please.
04:47If you have one room temperature,
04:48that'd be great.
04:49Well played.
04:51Too bad we didn't decide on a wager.
04:53Well, we're both so smart.
04:54I just assumed we were talking about a dinner date.
04:56How do I know you're my type?
04:58Maybe you can gather some empirical evidence
04:59by going out to dinner with me.
05:01Okay.
05:02I'd love to.
05:03But only because you used the word empirical properly.
05:07Thank God.
05:08I was gripping the wheel on that one.
05:17Wow.
05:18You were on fire tonight.
05:19That opera victor took me, too.
05:21You wouldn't think a woman who kills her husband
05:23in the bridal chamber would be such a turn-on.
05:25You know, I've been looking for a good husband
05:28murdering opera to go to,
05:29and this sounds like the one.
05:31You're going to an opera?
05:33I made a new friend.
05:34Oh.
05:35A new friend.
05:37I'll be going out a couple of times.
05:39Saturday, we're celebrating that she finished
05:40a dissertation, so we're going to go to the opera.
05:43Opera?
05:44Dissertation?
05:45Does she know you're only going out with her
05:46to get back at me for victor?
05:48She's extremely smart.
05:49She'll figure it out.
05:52That's only part of the reason I'm doing it.
05:54She's the smartest woman I've ever met,
05:56and she finds me fascinating.
05:58We have a meeting of the mind.
06:00Is this meeting at the corner of wishful and thinking?
06:05No, actually, it's in your building.
06:07She works in the coffee shop.
06:09Wait.
06:09You're not talking about Allie, are you?
06:13You know her?
06:15Yes.
06:15She's a patient of mine.
06:17I don't think you should be seeing her.
06:19Oh, come on.
06:20Why?
06:20Because it's a huge conflict for me.
06:22You're dating her now.
06:23You're going to be sleeping with her,
06:24and I need to be objective about your relationships
06:26when I analyze you.
06:27Now, pull my underwear down with your teeth.
06:31No problem.
06:32I'll just go out with her as a friend,
06:33just like you do with the guys that you see.
06:35Yes, but you can't just have women friends.
06:38Sex is your Achilles heel.
06:39The longest you've ever resisted a vagina is now,
06:42and it's starting to get me upset.
06:46All right.
06:47I don't like it, but fine.
06:48I'll explain to her that I can't see her anymore.
06:51Thank you for respecting my wishes.
06:54Okay.
06:55Underwear.
06:55Teeth.
06:56Now.
06:57Aren't you forgetting something?
07:00Please.
07:07Okay.
07:08What the hell?
07:12Hello?
07:13Ed.
07:14It's Patrick.
07:15From group.
07:16What are you calling me for?
07:18It's the middle of the night.
07:19It's 9.30.
07:20I get up at 4.
07:23That's when I piss, shave, and have breakfast.
07:27That's three things I accomplish before you get your first Peter in your face.
07:32Can you come over, please?
07:33I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.
07:35They've been having a party for the last 12 hours, and it's driving me crazy.
07:39Call the cops.
07:40I did, and they won't do anything.
07:42You're my anger buddy.
07:43Call me.
07:44Please come over here and talk me down.
07:46If I come over there, somebody's gonna get hurt.
07:50I don't want you to beat them up.
07:52I'm talking about you.
07:55Look at me, dude.
07:56You want me in there.
07:57What's up, Patrick?
08:02What do you want?
08:03Hi.
08:03I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.
08:05I called Ed, but he blew me off.
08:07What are they doing?
08:09They're having a party.
08:10It's really loud music that has been going on forever.
08:12Listen.
08:14Sounds like the DJ's playing Skrillex.
08:16Cool.
08:16I'll be right over.
08:17Nolan residence.
08:27Nolan, I need a ride to Patrick's now.
08:30And I'm supposed to just stop whatever I'm doing?
08:33Yes.
08:35Okay.
08:37I'm at the Abbey.
08:38Yeah, you are.
08:43Charlie.
08:44Sorry I'm late.
08:45It took me a while to print out my dissertation.
08:48For you.
08:50Wow, thank you.
08:51I'm flattered.
08:52Yeah.
08:53Statistical deviations in the estimated gross domestic product of the Soviet bloc, 1971-1972,
08:58as compared to the...
08:59You know what?
09:00I'll read the rest of the title tonight.
09:02Okay, it may be a little dry for somebody who's not into statistics.
09:05Even for the casual statistics lover.
09:09You might want to think about ending the title with Beyond Thunderdome.
09:13I'm sorry.
09:13I don't know what that means.
09:14Really?
09:15Mad Max?
09:16It's a movie?
09:17Yeah, it doesn't matter.
09:19Allie, I can't go out with you anymore.
09:22Okay, it's only like two hours of my life.
09:24I'll watch the movie.
09:26No, no, it's not that.
09:29Kate Wales is my best friend, and we're both her patients, and she doesn't want us to do this.
09:33Really?
09:34Yeah, she felt pretty strongly about it.
09:36There's no wiggle room here.
09:37It's forbidden.
09:38Forbidden, huh?
09:39Well, I mean, that just seems so silly.
09:41We're just friends.
09:43What do we have to hide?
09:43I know, I know.
09:44I agree with you.
09:45I just don't want to upset her.
09:46I mean, it's not like we're doing this.
09:49Doing what?
09:49Whoa.
09:51I mean, if Kate saw that, she would be pretty upset, right?
09:56If the Vice Squad saw that, they'd be pretty upset.
09:59Zipper nut buttons.
10:00Oh, you're bad.
10:03I wonder what Kate would say if she walked in on us in the bathroom in the next 15 minutes.
10:08She'd probably say, I can't believe you're doing this, and I'm deeply disappointed in
10:11both of you.
10:13But there's only one way to find out.
10:20Sam, I promised my friend I'd read her dissertation, and I'm seeing her tonight.
10:23Are you done yet?
10:24I got my ten bucks.
10:25Not so fast.
10:26The deal was, you write me a one-page synopsis of it so I know what I'm talking about, and
10:29then you get the money.
10:38This is a very interesting dissertation with multiple themes that I have found to be very
10:42interesting.
10:43It is about the statistical deviations in the estimated gross domestic product of the Soviet
10:47bloc, 1971 through 1970.
10:50Hey, all you did was copy the title.
10:53All you did was give me ten bucks.
10:54Hey, hey, hey.
11:01Don't eat, Dad.
11:02It's for the group.
11:03Sorry.
11:04Well, don't put it back.
11:05You touched it.
11:06Well, I'll toss it.
11:07Don't throw it away.
11:08It's perfectly good food.
11:09What am I supposed to do with this?
11:12Well, you might as well eat it now.
11:15You're not so fast.
11:15You want to taste it?
11:16What is wrong with you?
11:18I'm sorry, Mike.
11:19I'm on edge.
11:21I did something that I shouldn't have done.
11:23Touched a muffin you weren't supposed to?
11:26Well, in a way.
11:27I had sex with one of Kate's patients last night.
11:32Why is that a problem?
11:33She told me not to.
11:35I agreed not to.
11:35And now I want to do it again.
11:37Well, Kate better not find out.
11:40Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.
11:43Uh, Mike, it's Shakespeare.
11:46Uh, hell hath no fury like a woman's scorned.
11:48Yeah, trust me, Charles.
11:49A woman doesn't throw a can of scorned at your head after you had sex with her sister.
11:54I stand corrected.
11:55Is that why you got divorced?
11:56No, no, no.
11:57Political differences.
11:59Yes, that's why I got divorced.
12:01I betrayed her trust.
12:03Well, that's what's so weird.
12:05Kate and I have no emotional obligation to each other, but I still feel like I'm cheating on her.
12:08Stop seeing the girl.
12:10I don't want to.
12:11She's smart.
12:13She's attractive.
12:13She thinks I'm intelligent.
12:15And she's into all this crazy, dangerous sex.
12:17You can barely drive the woman home without risking your life.
12:21It's awesome.
12:22Problem is, Kate's our therapist.
12:29Wait.
12:29Don't you have great sex with Kate, too?
12:32Yes.
12:33So, let me get this straight.
12:35You have two women that you have great sex with, and I haven't been laid since the Niblet incident.
12:42I got nothing, and you're hassling me about a Danish?
12:46Shame on you.
12:47You were supposed to talk me out of it.
12:59Hey, guys.
13:00You owe me $750 for bailing these morons out of jail.
13:06Jail?
13:08Anyone want to tell me what happened?
13:10Moe?
13:10Larry?
13:10Curly?
13:11Curly?
13:11My neighbors were having a really loud party, so I used your anger buddy thing and called
13:18Lacey and Nolan, and they came over to try to calm me down, and then things got crazy.
13:24So, neither of you were able to help him control his anger?
13:26You just went over there, went all thunder gnome, and got arrested?
13:30What's that?
13:31No one knows that movie?
13:32For your information, Mr. Jump to Conclusion's face, we calmly went over there to dialogue
13:40with them.
13:41Turns out, they were really nice and had tequila shooters.
13:46Lots and lots of tequila shooters.
13:49Tequila?
13:50What were you thinking?
13:51It's the Mel Gibson of alcohol.
13:54But then, when the cops got there, Patrick screwed up everything.
13:57All I asked was if they knew where the cowboy, the construction worker, and the Indian were.
14:00Then, and you'll be proud of us for this, somebody else started a fight, and we just ran away.
14:09I found us an awesome hiding place in the back of a car.
14:12Turns out, it was a cop car.
14:15God, we were drunk.
14:19Then, they got one phone call.
14:21They called me.
14:23Listen, wait a second, wait a second.
14:23So, Patrick got mad, and he called Ed, but he wouldn't come over?
14:27Yeah.
14:27Yes.
14:28And then, Lacey and Nolan came over, and you all got drunk, told up a cop, and got arrested?
14:32Yeah.
14:33Yeah.
14:34And you called Ed to bail you out?
14:35Mm-hmm.
14:36You called Ed instead of me?
14:37Yeah.
14:37Yeah.
14:39Phone system works!
14:45Oh, great.
14:49Charlie.
14:51Charlie!
14:52It's not what you think?
14:53She's the maid.
14:53I slipped.
14:54It just happened.
14:55I was drunk.
14:55I'm sorry.
14:55Please don't leave me.
15:00Charlie, it's 2012.
15:02What?
15:03Oh, right.
15:04We're divorced.
15:05Man, that was like riding a bicycle.
15:07Hi, I'm Jen.
15:08Charlie cheated on me a lot.
15:11Hi, I'm Ali, and I kind of figured that out.
15:14Uh, do you have the check for Sam's camp?
15:16Yeah, it's in the kitchen.
15:18Got it.
15:18Uh, nice meeting you.
15:20Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
15:25You know, if we start again right now, she might catch us on the way back out.
15:31Nah, she'll leave through the kitchen.
15:33You know, we could go do it on the front lawn, see if we get on Google Earth.
15:38Yeah, I've already done that.
15:41I'll show you later.
15:42Crap, Kate.
15:49Just a sec.
16:00Hey.
16:00Hey, Charlie, can I borrow your binoculars?
16:03I'm skipping work to go to the Heritage Blues Festival with Victor.
16:05You're probably in a hurry once you come back out to your car, and I'll bring them to you.
16:08Actually, I've got 20 minutes.
16:10Why don't we go upstairs and knock out a quick one?
16:13Are you kidding?
16:13You've got to get to a blues festival early.
16:15Half of the fun is watching the blind musicians trying to make it to the stage.
16:20You know what?
16:20I think they're in the kitchen.
16:21It's the big room with the stove.
16:26Are they in one of these drawers?
16:27I think so.
16:32It's all just cooking stuff.
16:35I think they're in one of these drawers somewhere.
16:37Check the pantry.
16:42I don't see them.
16:44Look on the top shelf.
16:47I don't think they're here.
16:48Go back.
16:49Go back.
16:50And look again.
16:52Charlie, this is ridiculous.
16:54Oh, you're there.
16:55See?
16:56There.
16:57You're all set.
16:58You better get going.
16:58Okay, go.
17:02I mean, come on.
17:07Drive safe.
17:08Enjoy the songs of hard times and racial oppression.
17:12Hey, see you later.
17:13That was so much fun.
17:20How turned on are you right now?
17:21Not as much as you.
17:23Where's Kay going?
17:25To a blues festival.
17:27Let's do it in her office.
17:29That'd be insane.
17:31You're not kidding.
17:33I don't think we should.
17:34Oh, I know we shouldn't.
17:36But we're going to, aren't we?
17:38Uh-huh.
17:38By the way, remember how you thought I was really smart?
17:43Yeah.
17:44You were wrong.
17:49Oh, wow.
17:51How perfect is it that Kate trusts you enough to give you a key to her office?
17:57Have you ever fantasized about having sex in here?
17:59Fantasized?
18:00No.
18:02Well, I have.
18:08Huh.
18:09This is so exciting.
18:11Come here.
18:13You know, this may sound crazy, but I think I'm having one of those bungee jump moments.
18:17What?
18:18It all sounds great when you sign up, and then all of a sudden you're up there ready to go,
18:21and you think, who's that screaming?
18:24And you realize, oh, it's me.
18:27Yeah, and then you jump, and you never knew anything could be so exhilarating.
18:33Hmm.
18:35I'm going to set the mood a little bit.
18:38Okay, so the mood is set for all of Santa Monica.
18:49Oh, this is so hot.
18:51We have to do it on the couch.
18:54Or, different idea, we go out of the parking garage, we do it in Kate's spot.
19:00It says head in only, but we can back in.
19:03Come on.
19:05I can't have sex on this couch.
19:07Hey, you said you wanted to do this.
19:09You can't just get me all revved up and then not follow through.
19:12Well, okay, you can, but then you have to finish strong.
19:16I'm sorry, but Kate's my best friend, and I just can't do this to her.
19:20I don't know what it's called for the ladies, but I think I'm blue-balling you.
19:23There's no word for it, because no one ever turned down sex from a hot woman.
19:29And let me tell you, I'm not crazy about being the first.
19:32But this is really, really unhealthy.
19:35I think we both might want to do a little work with Kate on our obsessions with dangerous sex.
19:40That might be your problem, but that's not mine.
19:42I went to see Kate because I was morbidly shy.
19:44Oh.
19:46Well, in that case, you're making terrific progress.
19:52On my couch?
19:55I just had that cleaned.
19:58I told you nothing happened.
20:00I felt horrible, and I shut the entire thing down.
20:02I'm really sorry.
20:04Okay.
20:05Okay.
20:07Thank you for telling me.
20:09At least now I know that when Allie talks about that old guy who pink-balled her...
20:15Pink ball?
20:17Yeah, blue-balling for women.
20:19I wasn't the first.
20:21Old guy?
20:24Just so you know, I think a little of this might be my fault.
20:29I should have never teased you about Victor.
20:33I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't think your intellect wasn't, you know, borderline above average.
20:41I'd probably still sleep with you, though.
20:44Hmm.
20:44Charlie-like.
20:47By the way, Victor and I are done.
20:49Really?
20:50What happened?
20:51He wrote me a love sonnet.
20:53Ooh.
20:54Rookie mistake.
20:55One of this guys 90 and single.
20:57He's just not my type of guy.
21:01Come over here.
21:03I'd love to, but Jen's gonna be over any minute.
21:05So you're afraid she'll catch us?
21:08You know how you just said I was smart?
21:10Yeah.
21:11You were wrong.
21:11Mm-hmm.
21:12Ha, ha, ha.
21:17You're wrong.
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