- 2 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, I'm gonna order some drinks. What can I get you?
00:03Anything blue. Or yellow.
00:06On the off chance they don't have either, is there another primary color I can get for you?
00:11Pink.
00:12Right, right.
00:15How's your day going?
00:16She would like a blue drink, or a yellow drink, or a pink drink.
00:23You want me to put it in a sippy cup?
00:24I should have known. On Facebook, she said she wasn't very good at conversationing.
00:31She seems bangable, in a Megan's Law kind of a way.
00:35Hey, she's older than she looks. An ex. And is.
00:39Hey.
00:40Oh, crap. Hey.
00:42What are you guys doing here?
00:44Oh, we were out getting stuff to make jewelry and decided to grab something to eat.
00:48Are you on a date?
00:49Absolutely not. Just stopped in for a quick whiskey and Windex.
00:55Oh, good. Blue.
00:59Oh, you mean a date.
01:02This is Daytona. Daytona, this is my ex-wife Jennifer, and my daughter Sam.
01:06Hi.
01:10Okay, I know I said it's a date, but it's not a, it's not a date date.
01:13It's more like two ships passing in the night, and one ship is headed to Legoland.
01:19It's okay, Dad. You don't have to make excuses. You can go out with whoever you want.
01:23No, I know, I know. I just want you to know I don't normally date women like that.
01:27Yes, you do.
01:29What, what, what? How would you know?
01:32I look at your friend's list on Facebook.
01:34You let her spy on me like that?
01:35I can't help it. She changed the password and locked me out.
01:38I gotta take a class or something.
01:42It's okay, Dad. You like hotties.
01:45It's kind of superficial, but I still love you.
01:48I am not superficial. I date all kinds of women.
01:50So it's just a coincidence they're all hotties.
01:53It is a fundamental law of human nature that good-looking people are attracted to each other.
01:57I'm just a tool of evolution.
01:58This is how our species gets hotter.
02:05Okay, now that we're all here, I thought everyone should know that we have a new member joining us today.
02:10Her name is Mel, and she should fit nicely with this group.
02:12Finally. It'll be nice to have a girl in the group.
02:15Hey!
02:16Patrick, why do you always take shots at Lacey?
02:18You seem to have a real resentment towards her.
02:20She's pretty, she's rich, she's spoiled.
02:22She's everything you want to be.
02:24Shut up, Ed.
02:25What Ed said.
02:28Remember, Patrick, there's nothing more unattractive than envy.
02:35I think envy's here.
02:38It must be Mel. Welcome to the group.
02:40Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the house, and then I found it.
02:46Oh, that's it?
02:48Okay, everybody, this is Mel.
02:50Mel, this is Lacey, Nolan, Patrick, and Ed.
02:53Have a seat.
02:55Just so you know, there's no pressure to talk today.
02:59You can just observe if you'd like.
03:01No, I'd like to jump right in.
03:03I like this fella.
03:05Doesn't mess around.
03:07Okay, Mel, you have the floor.
03:09Well, it all started with this guy.
03:12Of course it did.
03:13Jerks.
03:14Lacey, I think you're coloring this with your experience.
03:18Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she shot him.
03:20Nolan, when Lacey's ready to tell Mel her story, I'm sure...
03:23In the balls.
03:23And there it is.
03:26Go on, Mel.
03:26Well, I met this guy.
03:28He changed my life.
03:30He gave me hope.
03:31And now I'm beginning to think it was all based on a lie, and I'm angry.
03:34Been there.
03:35Done that.
03:36Me too.
03:37Obama.
03:37I was so upset, I started to doubt myself.
03:42I lost about 100 pounds.
03:44I had tons of cosmetic surgery.
03:46I see why you're angry.
03:47You're mad at your plastic surgeon.
03:50I would sue that butcher for everything he's got.
03:53Guys, guys, guys.
03:54Can we please refrain from comments until Mel is done with her story?
03:58And Mel, try to avoid pausing between sentences.
04:00Anyway, I lived in this little town outside Beloit, Wisconsin, and Beloit had its own single-A baseball team.
04:08I know Beloit.
04:09When I was a ball player, we used to play that team.
04:12There was this place, uh, Nate's.
04:14Nate's Diner.
04:14They had killer apple pie.
04:15Oh, my God.
04:16That's so funny.
04:17I met this guy at Nate's Diner, and he was a ball player, too, from the visiting team.
04:23He told me I was the prettiest girl in the greater Beloit area, but after we made love, I never heard from him again.
04:32You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I ever played ball in Beloit.
04:39Also, I'm allergic to apples, so that's weird.
04:43Hey, I was okay with him not calling.
04:45I still felt special that he picked me.
04:48But then last year, I heard about this superstition in baseball, where if a player's in a hitting slump, he tries to break it by sleeping with the ugliest girl he can find.
04:56And that naive, small-town, big-boned girl is called a slump-buster.
05:05Slump-buster?
05:06Wow.
05:07This sounds like an urban legend to me.
05:09Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.
05:13Bad analogy.
05:15Mil, have you ever considered this guy was just hot for full-figured ladies?
05:20Were you Charlie?
05:22Or was I your slump-buster?
05:26Who didn't see that coming?
05:29Me, up until about 30 seconds ago.
05:31Okay, I do remember you.
05:39But I was just a dumb ball-player back then.
05:42You didn't have to be a slump-buster for me not to call you the next day.
05:45You just had to be any woman I had sex with.
05:49I told you, I don't care that you didn't call.
05:51That night changed my life.
05:53In my town, I was known as the girl who slept with Charlie Goodson.
05:57And I always thought of myself as the guy who slept with Mel.
06:02From that town.
06:03It meant everything.
06:06Out of all the girls in the pie-eating contest that night, you picked me.
06:10I picked up with a hot baseball player.
06:12Then my cousin heard about slump-busters on a sports talk show.
06:15I became the joke of the town.
06:17I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
06:19Yeah, I understand.
06:22Wait, I understand.
06:23I spent everything I had on plastic surgery, and it still didn't make me feel better about myself.
06:29But if you tell me I'm not your slump-buster, I'll believe you.
06:32And I can go back home and tell everybody, screw you, I know better.
06:38Mel?
06:39Yes?
06:40You were not my slump-buster.
06:42I don't believe you.
06:44I would have never done something like that just to get my batting average up.
06:48Really?
06:49Because when we were making love, I heard you say,
06:50I better make the Hall of Fame for this.
06:53This?
06:55The Hall of Fame of sex?
06:58I meant with all the positions and the stuff.
07:01It was one for the ages.
07:03You just laid there.
07:04I was in awe.
07:07Look, look, Mel.
07:09I didn't sleep with you because you were unattractive.
07:12I slept with you because you were drunk and easy, and you smelled like pie.
07:19You're just trying to sweet-talk your way out of this.
07:22If I were, I wouldn't be offering to have dinner with you.
07:25Really?
07:26Yes.
07:27Then when you go home, you can be the girl who had dinner with Charlie Goodson.
07:31Where will you take me?
07:32I could take you anywhere.
07:34But I want this to be special.
07:37I'm going to make dinner for you as a guest in my home.
07:39You'd really do that?
07:41I'd love to.
07:42I'm a great cook.
07:43Is there anything you can't eat?
07:44No.
07:45I'm fine with pretty much everything.
07:47Well, all I can make is spaghetti.
07:48Oh, okay.
07:49I'll bring my EpiPen.
07:51You may have to jam it in my thigh.
07:55Until tonight.
07:56It's funny watching you try to cook.
08:06Look, if you're just going to stand there drinking beer and criticizing me, could you
08:09at least take off your top?
08:11Uh-oh.
08:12I've seen you handle cutlery.
08:13If I take out the girls, you'll chop off a finger.
08:15Just do me a favor and set the table.
08:19Toss me that box of spaghetti.
08:22Besides being a culinary show-off, why are you doing this?
08:25Because I feel bad.
08:26I want to make amends for making her think that she was my slump buster.
08:29But she was, right?
08:31Well, yeah.
08:33I could never tell her that.
08:34It would only confirm her worst feelings about herself.
08:37So, what's the plan here?
08:38Well, I'm going to cook her a nice dinner.
08:40And that way, when she goes home tomorrow, she'll know that I didn't use her.
08:43But you did.
08:45Of course.
08:47She's the reason I got to the majors.
08:49And had that bout of night terrors.
08:53You know what?
08:54I don't even know how to make spaghetti.
08:55Just read the instructions.
08:57There are no instructions on spaghetti.
09:00It's like doorknobs.
09:01You're supposed to know what to do.
09:04No, I think you're crazy.
09:06Okay, this woman has had a fantasy relationship with you for the past 16 years.
09:09Now she's tracked you down, exposed you in front of your patients.
09:12And you're so busy trying to be a better guy that you are cooking dinner for a stalker.
09:18She's not a stalker.
09:19She's just a woman with pathologically low self-esteem, obsessive fixations, and a tendency toward grandiose delusions.
09:27Let's put the knives away.
09:30Maybe you should call it off.
09:33And piss off my stalker now.
09:35I'm just going to get through this dinner as quickly as possible.
09:37Oh, look.
09:40I found the directions.
09:42Put pasta in boiling water.
09:44For best results, prepare while staring at boobs.
09:48I'm going to need you to stand right there.
09:50So after the lipo, the next surgery I had was the lap band.
09:59And the first meal after that was a real mess.
10:02They tell you just to have jello, but I had catfish jambalaya.
10:06I never knew how far vomit could go.
10:10If I hadn't been in a crowded elevator, I think I would have broken some kind of record.
10:16Wow, that's like three awesome surgery stories in a row.
10:20Listen, if you're watching your weight, I can help you with that spaghetti.
10:23Oh, no.
10:23I'm just making it last.
10:24I fantasized about this date for so long.
10:27The food, the candlelight, the conversation.
10:31Did I tell you they took off my nipples?
10:35Uh, no.
10:37They put them back on, right?
10:40Are you flirting with me, Mr. Goodson?
10:43No, I just want to make sure you got what you paid for.
10:47Let me help you with that spaghetti.
10:48Baby in the trap!
10:55Baby in the trap!
11:07Hey!
11:08Hey!
11:08Hey!
11:09What are you guys doing here?
11:10Sam left your backpack.
11:12What, are you on a date?
11:13I don't think it's a date, Mom.
11:15She looks like a regular person.
11:17Wait, what's that supposed to mean?
11:18I go out with regular people, too.
11:20So this is a date?
11:21Yes.
11:22A date date?
11:23Yes, yes.
11:26Wow.
11:26Dad, I'm so proud of you.
11:28Well, thank you.
11:29Thank you very much.
11:30Can we meet her?
11:31Well, you know, it's our first time together,
11:33and you understand, right, Jen?
11:35I know, I'd like to meet her.
11:36Come on, Sam.
11:38Guys, this is Mel.
11:39Mel, this is my ex-wife, Jen, and my daughter, Sam.
11:43Just so you know, Mel, you're dating a great guy.
11:46Dating?
11:47Did your dad tell you that?
11:49Yeah.
11:50Right, Dad?
11:50Yeah, I did.
11:52Wow.
11:53I'm just so excited.
11:55I know.
11:56Me, too.
11:57Let's never lose this.
12:00Hey, Mom, can I invite them to come over
12:02and make jewelry with us tomorrow night?
12:03No, no, no.
12:04We wouldn't want to lose any special night.
12:05Oh, no, I insist.
12:06Of course you do.
12:09I can't wait to learn all about what this is.
12:12I love making jewelry.
12:14I made tiaras for all my cats.
12:17Well, this is going to be so much fun.
12:20I'm so excited I'm going to bust.
12:23I just got to go use the little girls' room.
12:25You know, to fix my face.
12:31Nobody?
12:32Good for you.
12:39Look, before we begin,
12:40I want to talk about what happened yesterday.
12:43You all witnessed what we, in therapy, call a train wreck.
12:49No, I don't want this to distract us.
12:50We're just going to keep moving forward.
12:52I have something important about my life I'd like to discuss.
12:55Lacey.
12:57How am I supposed to work through my issues with men being dicks
12:59while women are showing up in this group
13:01as a result of your past dickness?
13:05Look, like all of you, I've made mistakes.
13:08And unfortunately, yesterday,
13:09one of those mistakes reared its ugly head.
13:11Now, when I say ugly head,
13:12I'm using the term as a metaphor,
13:13not a description for that young lady.
13:16And her ugly head.
13:18So how did you deal with it?
13:20I talked to her,
13:21and we're working on building her self-esteem.
13:23Really?
13:23Because it says on Facebook that you're dating her.
13:26It's radical self-esteem therapy.
13:29You guys wouldn't understand.
13:31You're dating your stalker?
13:33See?
13:34Other people make it work.
13:36How could she be my stalker if I'm dating her?
13:39I mean, come on, think about it.
13:40Does it make sense, does it?
13:41No, of course not.
13:42Moving on.
13:43Her status update says
13:45she's making jewelry with you tonight,
13:47and she's hoping for a ring,
13:49smile,
13:50winky face.
13:51Oh, God.
13:52All right, all right, look, look.
13:56The lesson here,
13:58and there are many lessons,
13:59but the headline lesson is
14:01whatever you do,
14:03never use a slump buster.
14:06I realize this doesn't apply to everybody,
14:09but for the love of God,
14:10just don't.
14:13So, Mel,
14:16you never told us how you met my dad.
14:18Ooh, this is my favorite story.
14:20Oh, let me tell.
14:21You always get to tell.
14:23Okay.
14:24It's really magical.
14:25It's like out of a movie.
14:28We met at a diner,
14:30and she was eating a pie.
14:32Would you pass the red beads, please?
14:35Don't be shy.
14:37It was 16 years ago.
14:39I was in a pie-eating contest,
14:40and your daddy was the prize.
14:42Wait, 16 years ago?
14:44That doesn't make sense.
14:44My parents were still married.
14:46Yes, we were,
14:47which is why Mel and I
14:48could only be friends.
14:50But we had a connection
14:52that lasted all these years,
14:54and now the universe
14:57has brought her back to me.
14:59Because ours is a relationship
15:02that knows no constraints
15:04of time nor of space.
15:08That was the beads.
15:09They're ready to come out of the oven.
15:11Mel, can you help me?
15:13You know, Charlie,
15:14the whole time you've been here,
15:15I haven't seen you hold Mel's hand
15:17or give her a kiss or anything.
15:21Well, you know how new couples are.
15:22We don't want to gross you out.
15:25She's going to the kitchen.
15:27Can you handle that much time and space?
15:30I know I can't.
15:32I can't.
15:34You taste like home.
15:42You taste like spaghetti.
15:45It's the garlic.
15:46I sweat it.
15:47And you are making me sweat.
15:51Hey, you guys,
15:53stay right where you are.
15:54I want to get a picture
15:55to you so I can post it on
15:57everything.
15:59You better get into the kitchen.
16:05I think somebody's beads are burning.
16:07They are now.
16:12What the hell are you doing?
16:14What the hell are you doing?
16:15Look, I'm in trouble, okay?
16:16Mel was a slump buster from Beloit
16:18and now she thinks we're dating.
16:19I mean, it's a long story.
16:20Actually, that's the entire story.
16:21I knew it.
16:23You're using that woman
16:24to make your daughter think
16:25you're not superficial.
16:27I know.
16:28I just need you to help me
16:29through the next hour.
16:30Get her back to the hotel,
16:31put her on a flight tomorrow,
16:32and this whole thing will be over.
16:34She's happy,
16:35Sam's happy,
16:36and you and I will have
16:36a fun little secret.
16:38Like at our honeymoon
16:39when you let me go.
16:39That never happened.
16:40I'm so sorry, Charlie.
16:47I feel so bad.
16:49My tongue swells
16:50when I have an allergic reaction.
16:52I completely forgot
16:53Peanut M&M to have peanuts.
16:56Shouldn't we get you
16:56to an ER or something?
16:57No, no.
16:58I just left my EpiPen
16:59in the kitchen.
17:01Okay, but hurry.
17:02We gotta get you back
17:02to the hotel.
17:05Hey, it looks like
17:06Jan already got
17:06that photo uploaded.
17:08Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter,
17:10Flickr, Flickr,
17:10and the website
17:12of the American
17:12Psychological Association.
17:15Hey, Charlie.
17:16I found it.
17:17Can you come
17:18spit it in me?
17:27Hey, Charlie.
17:30Hey, wait a minute.
17:31You weren't having
17:32an allergic reaction.
17:33You were...
17:33Oh.
17:37They do good work
17:37in Wisconsin.
17:40Oh, I'm a sexy ghost.
17:45Boo.
17:47That's not why I'm doing this.
17:49This can't happen.
17:51Of course it can.
17:53Oh, do you need
17:54to take a pill or something?
17:56No.
17:57No, I'm very sorry.
17:59I just thought
18:00we had a great night once
18:02and that this could be
18:03the start of something
18:04bigger and more beautiful.
18:05Well,
18:06you just made the next thing
18:09I'm about to say
18:09very difficult.
18:13We're not really dating,
18:14are we?
18:16No.
18:18I was your slump buster,
18:19wasn't I?
18:25Yes.
18:25You know,
18:28I am very,
18:29very sorry.
18:31Why didn't you
18:32just tell me?
18:33I didn't want you
18:34to think that way
18:35about yourself
18:35because that's not
18:36how I think of you.
18:37To me,
18:38you'll always be
18:38that pie-eating champion
18:40who could raise
18:41a naked man
18:41clean over her head.
18:44I don't believe this.
18:45I spent all this time
18:46and money
18:47making my body
18:48look like this
18:48and you still
18:50don't want to
18:50make love to me.
18:51That would have
18:52been wrong.
18:53That's the old me.
18:57Now,
18:58what am I going to do?
18:59Look at me.
19:00I'm too hot
19:01to even be
19:02a slump buster.
19:04No, you're not.
19:06Okay,
19:06I can't win that one.
19:09Look,
19:10you are still
19:11the same
19:11confident,
19:13amazing person
19:13you were
19:14when you thought
19:14you were just
19:15a hot one-night stand.
19:16Bet I could
19:18still lift you
19:19over my head.
19:20Yes.
19:21Yes,
19:21that's the confidence
19:22that's in you
19:23no matter what I did.
19:24That's not just
19:25some nibble
19:25you can take off
19:26and put back on.
19:27That's forever.
19:36Hey,
19:37you ready?
19:38Oh,
19:38softball time,
19:39right.
19:40Yes,
19:41I am ready to go.
19:42Sam,
19:42you wearing your cup?
19:44Are we going to do this
19:44every single time?
19:45You can just say
19:46you wanted a boy.
19:48Actually,
19:48I wanted a dog,
19:49but the landlord
19:50wanted a $100 deposit,
19:51so here you are.
19:54Could you give
19:55Sam and I a minute?
19:56I want to clear up
19:56a few things about Mel.
19:57Oh,
19:57it's okay,
19:58Dad.
19:58Mom already told me.
19:59She did?
20:00Yeah,
20:01how you wanted
20:02a deeper,
20:03more meaningful relationship
20:04and Mel just wanted
20:05to sleep with you.
20:10How many times
20:11is this going to
20:11happen to me?
20:12It's okay,
20:15Dad.
20:16Well,
20:16come on,
20:17I'm going to be late.
20:18That's my boy.
20:23Wow.
20:24It was amazing.
20:25You're welcome.
20:27You know,
20:27you make a much better
20:28ex-wife than you ever
20:29did a wife.
20:30I figured you got
20:31the message.
20:32I did.
20:33Hey,
20:33can you do me
20:33another favor?
20:34What?
20:35I need you to take
20:36Sam for the weekend.
20:37Why?
20:37Where are you going?
20:38Beloit.
20:39I'm going to walk
20:40up and down
20:40every street
20:41holding hands with Mel
20:42for all of her friends
20:42to see.
20:44After everything you did,
20:45that's all she wants
20:46from you?
20:47Small town,
20:48small victories.
20:49Hmm.
20:51By the way,
20:51you can also thank me
20:52for being so cool.
20:54That's the first woman
20:54I met that you slept with
20:55while you were on the road.
20:57Hey,
20:58I slept with her for us.
20:59That was to break my slump
21:00so we could make
21:01the big leagues.
21:02Really?
21:03What about that girl
21:04Diane from San Diego?
21:07Oh,
21:08that was for me.
21:08A little bit
21:11for Diane.
21:11A little bit
21:11for Diane.
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