- 2 months ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00So, Patrick, this brings up a good question.
00:03How does a pile of your boyfriend's clothes end up on fire?
00:06Ooh, I know that one.
00:08You catch him staring at your sister's ass.
00:11I'm pretty sure that wasn't Patrick's problem, Liz.
00:14It's very simple.
00:15My mother, God rest her soul,
00:17always said that the best way to get gum out of an Angora sweater is with kerosene.
00:22Lots and lots of kerosene.
00:24Sure, and napalm gets out red wine.
00:26So, what I'm hearing is you were upset with Scott, so you lit his clothes on fire.
00:32Is that why they call you people flamers?
00:36I don't mean nothing. I'm just trying to learn here.
00:40Yes, yes, and the burning of the boyfriend's clothes
00:43has been a fabulous gay ritual since ancient times.
00:46Way back to when my great-great-great-great-grandfather boned your...
00:52I don't know, dad, I guess.
00:53That was a great quip.
00:58I can't quip.
01:00Anyway, to make a long story short,
01:03my boyfriend and I had a heart-to-heart,
01:04and he agreed to put his clothes in the hamper from now on.
01:09I think Scott and I living together is gonna work out fine.
01:12Just fine.
01:14I wish I could quip.
01:16Sort of try to think of something clever to say,
01:18and I just sort of ramble, and then by the time that I...
01:20Thank you, Nolan.
01:21Unfortunately, our time is up.
01:24Oh, but wait.
01:25I have another issue.
01:27I think my mother's ghost is haunting my apartment.
01:30Oh, you're so lucky.
01:32My mother's still alive.
01:35Patrick, we'll talk about your ghost next time.
01:38And guys, guys, guys, I know I've said it a thousand times,
01:40but if you're gonna bring up the undead,
01:42try to do so at the beginning of the session.
01:43Yeah, and we can have s'mores,
01:46like around the campfire in the backyard.
01:49Here's the ghost story.
01:51Yes, nailed the quip.
01:56Hey, Charlie.
01:57Hi.
01:58Lori will be here any minute.
01:59It's a great business idea.
02:01You're gonna love it.
02:02Yeah, I read the brochure,
02:04and I know you're hoping I was gonna invest,
02:05but I'm not sure anyone needs a manicure on wheels.
02:08Although the name Vanicures is terrible.
02:12Charlie, women have nail emergencies.
02:14Oh, no, I ruined my nail.
02:16What am I going to do?
02:18I'm on my way to a big job interview.
02:20Cool.
02:20If you get it, can we drop the alimony?
02:23Shut up.
02:23I'm in the middle of a pitch.
02:25Oh, yeah.
02:25I'm gonna call Vanicures.
02:27They come right to you and repair the nail
02:29so nobody knows you were this close
02:31to your life falling apart.
02:34So what do you think?
02:35I think if your life is falling apart
02:37because of a broken nail,
02:39you need a mobile psych ward.
02:41So you don't like it?
02:43Jen,
02:44this is a terrible, terrible idea.
02:54Hi.
02:55You must be Lori.
02:58Yes.
02:59I'm Charlie.
02:59Come on in.
03:00Thanks.
03:02Jen was just
03:03telling me about your
03:05incredibly hot business idea.
03:09Yeah, it's going really well.
03:11I brought the prospectos for you to look over.
03:12Don't need to.
03:13I support the spoon in everything she does.
03:16Yeah, it's like a big open-handed slap of support.
03:19You know, Lori,
03:20I've always said that the measure of a man
03:22is in how much he's willing to do for his ex.
03:23Oh, well, Jen's lucky.
03:27My ex can be a little difficult.
03:31Nuts.
03:33A total maniac.
03:35A real whack job.
03:36We get it.
03:37I don't see what the problem is.
03:44All I'm asking you to do is give me Lori's number,
03:47then make a call saying how great I am.
03:49Absolutely not.
03:50Okay.
03:52Don't make a call saying how great I am.
03:53Just give me her number.
03:54Absolutely not.
03:55Don't make a call saying how great I am.
03:59Don't give me her number.
04:00Just leave me your phone on the table
04:01and go grab a snack.
04:03I'm not setting you up with a business associate.
04:06Besides, you wouldn't like her.
04:07You only date empty-headed young girls.
04:09That is a gross generalization.
04:11The last girl you went out with
04:13was a boat show model
04:14who posted pictures of your junk on Twitter.
04:18Oh, I'm so touched you recognize me
04:20after all these years.
04:22Charlie, that's the kind of person
04:24you're attracted to.
04:25I'm trying to change.
04:27I'm trying to find someone more substantial.
04:29Look, I want you to be happy.
04:30Don't you want me to be happy?
04:32I'm gonna be real honest with you, Charlie.
04:34I always want to be
04:34just a little bit happier than you.
04:39Look, no matter what happens with Lori,
04:41I promise you,
04:42as long as I have you in my life,
04:43I'll always be a little more miserable than you.
04:46Charlie, that's so sweet.
04:49I am sweet.
04:50Help me share it.
04:51Fine.
04:52I'll give her a call.
04:55I won't screw up your business relationship.
04:57And if it doesn't go well with Lori,
04:58I promise I won't do donuts on her lawn
05:00and call her a slut like I did
05:01when you and I broke up in high school.
05:02That was you?
05:04I was going with, like, three guys.
05:07That's what slut was about.
05:10And then last quarter,
05:11we doubled gross profits again.
05:13We keep exceeding expectations.
05:15And so do you.
05:17I gotta tell you,
05:18I think I'm doing great here tonight.
05:19I don't think I've ever been more charming.
05:23Wow.
05:23We've been here for four hours.
05:25I thought it was gonna be 30 minutes
05:26and then straight to the fake phone emergency.
05:29I've used that.
05:30What?
05:31Ten years in the reserves
05:32and they're calling me up now?
05:36Jen was so wrong about you.
05:38She told me you were shallow
05:38and you'd spend the whole night
05:39staring at my chest.
05:41Why would she say that?
05:43That's what I did there?
05:44Told a little joke
05:45and I get to stare at your chest.
05:47I like how you just put it all out there.
05:50Yeah, I feel like you get to a certain point.
05:51Why waste time on a bunch of BS, right?
05:53Good point.
05:54You wanna go back to my place?
05:55I'd love to,
05:57but not on the first date.
05:59We haven't even exchanged
06:00traumatic high school dating stories yet.
06:02I got dumped at prom.
06:03My boyfriend had a chain wallet.
06:04You win.
06:05Let's go back to my place.
06:05I wish I could.
06:08I have a meeting with my investors
06:10in the morning.
06:11Yeah, I have an early group therapy
06:12I gotta prepare for anyway.
06:13Oh, that's right.
06:14You're a therapist.
06:15Well, that must be fun.
06:17It can be,
06:18but anything's fun
06:19if you like what you do.
06:20Yeah, and what the hell
06:21if people feel better
06:22when they leave?
06:22That's great.
06:23Well, that's what therapy does.
06:26I totally get it.
06:28My uncle was a magician.
06:35I'm free tomorrow night.
06:36Call me.
06:45Friggin' magician?
06:50Hey, Charlie.
06:52Say I'm ready?
06:53I thought she was with you this week.
06:54She hasn't been here all week?
06:56I'll be right down, Mom.
06:58I hate you.
07:00Mom, here's your opportunity
07:01to get me back.
07:03The Lori call?
07:04Oh, yeah.
07:07And?
07:09She said she had a great time
07:10and that you're funny.
07:11What'd you put in her drink?
07:14Did she have any attitude about my job?
07:16Because we had a great time,
07:16but at the very end
07:17she made a little crack
07:18about what I do for a living.
07:19Oh, yeah, that.
07:20She doesn't believe in therapy.
07:21That's what I thought.
07:22It's crazy, huh?
07:23Not really.
07:24Lots of people don't believe in therapists.
07:26Lots of people think
07:27they're just a bunch of big phonies
07:28who get paid to sit and listen
07:30to whiny people
07:30who don't have the guts
07:31to get off their asses
07:32and get their crap together.
07:33Wow, how long have you been sitting on that?
07:39You look so beautiful, Lori.
07:42The food, the conversation,
07:43it's all so perfect.
07:44I just don't want this night to end.
07:47Joss.
07:50You know, I thought having a Skype date
07:51was going to be creepy and weird,
07:52but you know what?
07:53It really is.
07:54I know.
07:55I can't wait for you to get back.
07:57I'm looking forward to having
07:57creepy and weird with you in person.
07:59Well, you are in luck.
08:02As soon as I get back from Chicago,
08:03I think our next date
08:04might have to include
08:04a toothbrush and pajamas.
08:06Now, I know you don't believe in therapy,
08:08but I think your healthy sexuality
08:10is a result of a close-knit family
08:12that provided a safe environment.
08:14Eh, whatever.
08:14I just want to have sex with you.
08:17Or that.
08:20I gotta go.
08:22Fly safe.
08:22I'll see you Wednesday.
08:23Can't wait.
08:24Good night.
08:24Are you late
08:33for some sort of business meeting
08:34in a swimming pool?
08:36In fact, no.
08:37I just had a cyber date with Lori.
08:39Right, right.
08:40The entrepreneur nutjob
08:41who doesn't believe in therapy.
08:43You still chasing that rainbow?
08:45As a matter of fact, I am.
08:47She's actually a very smart businesswoman
08:48who happens to believe
08:50that my life's work
08:51is equal to saw any woman in half.
08:53Speaking of a lack of respect,
08:56I read a great paper
08:57on humiliation this weekend
08:58and it gave me some great ideas.
09:00No, no, no.
09:00I'm sorry.
09:01I'm sorry, sweetie.
09:01I can't.
09:02I can't.
09:02I've got to invoke the rules.
09:05If one party is in proximity
09:06of a serious relationship,
09:07the other party must agree
09:08to suspend sexual relations.
09:10Man, that is gonna be
09:11the weirdest document
09:12I've ever signed
09:12in front of a notary.
09:15Fine.
09:16Play this thing out.
09:17We'll have sex on Thursday.
09:18Whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:20Just because you shouldn't
09:20believe in therapy
09:21doesn't mean this relationship
09:21can't work.
09:23Fine.
09:24We'll have sex on Friday.
09:25Morning.
09:26No, no.
09:27I'm gonna prove to her
09:27that therapy is valid
09:29and then we can begin
09:30a healthy emotional relationship.
09:32Yes.
09:32And then we'll all hold hands
09:34and wish away hunger
09:36and war and meanness
09:37between people.
09:38And then I'll see you
09:38for sex on Friday.
09:40You know,
09:41we could all hold hands
09:42and wish away war
09:43and hunger anyway,
09:44you dark, cynical bitch.
09:46Are you sure it's okay
09:50that I'm sitting in
09:51on one of your sessions?
09:52Well, it's not really
09:53a session today.
09:54I invited a former patient
09:55to come talk to the group
09:56about how successful
09:56therapy's been for him.
09:58Oh, I think it's very sweet
09:59that you care enough
10:00to try to convince me
10:01that you're not stealing
10:01from these people.
10:04Well, I do care,
10:05not steal.
10:07And I think it's very sweet
10:08that you're pretending
10:08to be a person
10:09with an open mind.
10:10Well, I am.
10:11Pretending.
10:13So basically,
10:14I lost 20 years of my life
10:16to anger and self-sabotage.
10:19I lost my wife,
10:21my job,
10:22and our home.
10:24But thanks to therapy
10:26and the tools
10:28that this guy taught me,
10:30I mean,
10:30I was able to rebuild my life.
10:32I mean, it's a miracle.
10:34Thank you, Rodney,
10:35but let's not put me
10:36on the same level as God here.
10:37Just a regular guy
10:39who does God-like things.
10:43Charlie, is it okay
10:44if I ask something?
10:45Shoot.
10:46I am really impressed, Rodney.
10:48So you don't get angry
10:49at all anymore?
10:50Oh, no.
10:52Everybody gets angry.
10:53I mean, you know,
10:54life is full of challenges.
10:56But with what I learned here
10:58in this group,
10:59I'm able to manage my anger.
11:01Did you learn anything
11:02about speeding up the process?
11:04Because it's costing me
11:06a small fortune
11:07to eat bagel bites
11:08and listening to that dot head
11:09and this queer dope
11:10called me a racist
11:11and a homophobe.
11:14He never calls me anything.
11:16Just so you know,
11:17I'm half Jewish.
11:18What's the other half?
11:19French.
11:20I'll work on something.
11:23I have a question, too, Rodney.
11:26At your lowest point,
11:28did you ever feel like
11:29you were being haunted
11:29by a ghost?
11:30Because I've...
11:31Well said, Patrick.
11:32Don't we all have ghosts?
11:33So, Rodney,
11:35why don't you tell us
11:35about the new woman
11:36in your life?
11:38I'd rather not.
11:39Uh-oh.
11:40Sounds like trouble
11:41in paradise.
11:42Hey, Frogstein?
11:45It's either that
11:46or surrender, Berg.
11:48I'm still working on it.
11:51Is the new girl
11:53leaving you, too?
11:54Um, you know,
11:55I drove a long way
11:57to come out here
11:58and help you guys.
11:59I would think
12:00that you might
12:00back off a little.
12:02Okay.
12:03I want to thank Rodney
12:04for his time,
12:05and I wish him to...
12:06She did it on me,
12:07all right?
12:08They all do.
12:10That's how they
12:11train them in hell.
12:13I'm sure Rodney
12:14has somewhere to be
12:15right now.
12:15No, no, no.
12:16I can't check back
12:17into the shelter
12:18for another two hours.
12:19I'm all yours.
12:20What happened to your job?
12:21Nobody buys
12:22the paper anymore.
12:24Do you like
12:25a paper boy
12:26on a bicycle?
12:27Because that's
12:28really funny.
12:29I wrote
12:30the jumble.
12:32Why don't you
12:33tweet about that
12:34to all the other
12:36cheating little whores?
12:39It's okay.
12:39It's okay, Rodney.
12:40Breathe.
12:41Breathe.
12:42Help me out, buddy.
12:42I'm trying to impress
12:43a girl here.
12:45You never think
12:47it's going to be
12:47your brother,
12:48you know?
12:49And then one day
12:50you walk in
12:51and then doing it
12:53on the table
12:54where you used
12:55to write your jumble.
12:56Punch the bobo, Rodney.
12:58Take out your hand
12:58on the bobo.
12:59No, I'm calming down.
13:01I can feel it.
13:02You son of a bitch!
13:06I gave you a kidney
13:08and you stole my wife!
13:11You stupid re-puff!
13:14It's a jumble.
13:16Figure it out!
13:20I'm going to take him off.
13:22Looks like you've got
13:22your hands full here.
13:24Call me later.
13:25This is fun.
13:28Um, bobo's dad.
13:37And I really thought
13:39me and Lori
13:39might have had something.
13:41I'm sorry, Charlie.
13:43Oh, look.
13:44It's Friday.
13:46You said morning.
13:47You were wrong.
13:48I win.
13:51I'm never going to get
13:51it up tonight.
13:52I told you this would
13:55happen.
13:56My mom used to tell me
13:57a story about a fish
13:59and a duck
13:59who tried to fall in love,
14:01but it wouldn't work
14:03because they were
14:04so different
14:05and their sexual organs
14:06wouldn't line up.
14:09There's more to it.
14:11I think a goose
14:13got involved.
14:14But the point is clear.
14:18It's not even about
14:19Lori anymore.
14:20Maybe I am a magician.
14:21Maybe therapy is just
14:22smoking mirrors
14:23that won't hold up
14:24in the long run.
14:25Come here.
14:26I'm not in the mood.
14:27I'm not going to touch you.
14:29You said that before.
14:30Every time I get in that bed,
14:31you touch me.
14:33I promise I'm not
14:34going to touch you.
14:35I just want to make
14:36you feel better.
14:38Okay.
14:39But if you make me
14:40feel better,
14:41then I'm going to
14:41want you to touch me.
14:44Charlie,
14:45you picked a profession
14:46with lots of ups and downs.
14:49And?
14:51That's all I got.
14:52I'm going to touch you now.
14:58Hello?
15:00Patrick?
15:02Is it important?
15:03Because I'm kind of busy.
15:04None of your business.
15:08All right.
15:09I'll be right there.
15:10Where are you going?
15:12Patrick's having a crisis
15:13with his mother.
15:14He says he's seen
15:15her angry ghost.
15:16Well, I have a patient
15:17whose rabbit
15:18gives him stock tips,
15:19but you don't see me
15:19going out in the middle
15:20of the night.
15:22That's just what I do.
15:24You upset?
15:25No.
15:25Just wreck my plans
15:27to get you super horny
15:28and kick you out.
15:30So does dark,
15:31cynical bitches do.
15:32Thank God you came.
15:40I didn't know
15:40who else to call.
15:41My mother's ghost
15:42is really mad.
15:43She keeps rattling
15:44that lamp over there
15:45and I don't know
15:46what she's angry about.
15:47How do we know
15:47it's your mother?
15:48Does she actually speak
15:49or is she more of a traditional
15:50woo kind of ghost?
15:53She's more like a
15:53you're a disappointment,
15:55I expected more
15:56kind of ghost.
15:58Is there anything that happened
15:59that she would be
16:00disappointed about?
16:00That woman would be
16:01disappointed in a rainbow.
16:03Stripes are very unflattering.
16:08I mean recently.
16:09Well, she died.
16:10A lot of people
16:11have issues with that.
16:13I don't know what it is.
16:14She won't tell me.
16:15Maybe she'll tell me.
16:18Hello?
16:20Patrick's mom.
16:20Don't say mom!
16:22She hated being called mom.
16:23She said it was
16:23very inelegant
16:24to have children.
16:26You ever think about
16:27bringing that up in therapy?
16:27It's kind of a big point.
16:28Just call her Mona.
16:31And whatever you do,
16:32don't tell her you love her.
16:34I wasn't planning on it.
16:38Hello, Mona.
16:39Put on a British accent.
16:41All her lovers were British.
16:43I don't want to be your lover.
16:45If you want her to answer you,
16:47just do it!
16:48Fine.
16:52Hello, Mona.
16:53How do you work at the docks?
16:56It's off-scale British.
16:57Hey, no.
16:58I'm not doing this.
17:00Let's think about
17:00what was making her angry.
17:02What were you doing
17:02right before she appeared?
17:04At a fight with Scott.
17:06Oh, my God.
17:06Do you think this is about Scott?
17:08Why would Mona be angry about Scott?
17:10Well, maybe because
17:12she thinks he moved in too soon.
17:14Ask her if she wants me
17:15to tell him to move out.
17:16Why are we asking Mona?
17:18Is that what you want?
17:19I don't know.
17:21She always handled
17:22these things in my life.
17:26Your mother handled
17:27your relationships?
17:28Doesn't everybody's?
17:30No.
17:31Although my mom tried
17:32to set me up
17:32with my second cousin once.
17:34I'd have drawn a chart
17:34to show why I was wrong,
17:35but this isn't about me.
17:38It sounds like you had
17:39a codependent relationship
17:40with your mother.
17:41I don't know about codependent.
17:43She did make my decisions for me,
17:44and I was her only friend.
17:46Patrick, you're obviously
17:49upset about Scott moving in,
17:50and you're manifesting that
17:51through your mother's ghost.
17:53I think you know
17:53what you have to do.
17:54Adopt a baby
17:55to save the relationship.
17:57Oh.
17:58You might want to think
17:59about living alone for a while
18:00and making your own decisions.
18:02That's part of the reason
18:03you're passive-aggressive.
18:04You've never made
18:04your own choices.
18:06So you've always said
18:07what you really felt
18:08out of the side of your mouth.
18:09So there's no Mona?
18:12No.
18:14How do you explain that?
18:17It's right next to the vent,
18:18and the air just kicked on.
18:21Oh.
18:22I moved it there yesterday,
18:24so I guess that's not
18:25my grandmother
18:26in the dishwasher either.
18:29I know.
18:31I'll see you on Thursday.
18:33You're a good therapist.
18:40Would you call what I do
18:41almost like magic?
18:43Not really.
18:43Good.
18:46Boy, Mona.
18:49Okay, now you're just
18:50making fun of me.
18:50You got me there, matey.
18:53Okay, now you're just a pirate.
18:56And I realized the whole
18:58Rodney thing was a disaster.
18:59But the next day,
19:00I had a great breakthrough
19:01with another one of my patients.
19:02And I realized I can't prove
19:04to you that this is...
19:04Charlie, it doesn't matter.
19:06I think it's really cute you've tried,
19:08but you don't have to prove
19:08anything to me.
19:09I can get past it if you can.
19:11That's what I came here
19:12to tell you.
19:13I don't care if I'm a fish
19:15and you're a duck.
19:16I think if we work hard enough,
19:18we can get our genitals
19:19to line up.
19:22Okay, that was weird.
19:24I get it, and I agree.
19:25It's like the great
19:26Paula Abdul once said,
19:27opposites attract.
19:29The great Paula Abdul?
19:31Wait, you don't like her?
19:33Well, sure I do,
19:34but I've reserved the word great
19:35for people like Nelson Mandela
19:37and Mother Teresa.
19:38And Paula Abdul.
19:41So, totally open-minded here.
19:43The breakthrough you had
19:44with your patient.
19:45What was it?
19:46Yeah, you gotta think it's silly.
19:48I saw a guy beat up
19:49a plastic man with a log.
19:50Just tell me.
19:51Okay.
19:53He thought he had a ghost.
19:54Really?
19:56So did he?
19:58Of course not.
19:59Oh.
20:00Because my aunt has one
20:01in her house,
20:02and I've always wanted
20:03to meet him.
20:04So you believe in ghosts?
20:06Yeah.
20:07But not in therapy?
20:08No.
20:10Okay, okay, okay.
20:11You know what?
20:12I don't believe in ghosts,
20:13you don't believe in therapy,
20:13but we can get past that too.
20:15We sure can.
20:16I'm Aquarius,
20:17I'm easygoing.
20:19So you believe in astrology?
20:20I don't make a move without it.
20:22But you don't believe in therapy?
20:23No.
20:26Okay, you know what?
20:27I don't care.
20:27I like you, you like me,
20:28and let's go back to my place.
20:29I knew you'd ask.
20:31I'm a little psychic.
20:34Awesome.
20:35So then you know
20:35what we're gonna do.
20:36Yeah, I do.
20:38And by the way,
20:40I don't believe in birth control.
20:48Well,
20:48I made it to Saturday.
20:50I made it to Saturday.
20:50I made it to Saturday.
20:51I made it to Saturday.
20:51I made it to Saturday.
20:52I made it to Saturday.
20:52I made it to Saturday.
20:53I made it to Saturday.
20:53I made it to Saturday.
20:54I made it to Saturday.
20:54I made it to Saturday.
20:55I made it to Saturday.
20:55I made it to Saturday.
20:56I made it to Saturday.
20:57I made it to Saturday.
20:58I made it to Saturday.
20:59I made it to Saturday.
21:00I made it to Saturday.
21:01I made it to Saturday.
21:02I made it to Saturday.
21:03I made it to Saturday.
21:04I made it to Saturday.
21:05I made it to Saturday.
21:06I made it to Saturday.
21:07I made it to Saturday.
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