- 2 days ago
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00:00Then my wife bought a TV recorder so she can fast forward past the commercials.
00:05Well, I like commercials. They tell me what to buy.
00:09I'd tell you to buy another TV, Ed.
00:11But I guess you wouldn't know which one to get since you haven't seen the commercials.
00:14I don't know what's new. I don't know what's improved.
00:17I don't know what's for a limited time only.
00:20Your day's on this planet. Can we move on?
00:24You don't need the commercials, Ed. I think there's more underneath this.
00:27Oh, fascinating stuff.
00:30I showed Russell Brand a hundred pairs of skinny jeans today.
00:32He ends up buying jeggings. Can I talk now?
00:37Hold that thought, Patrick.
00:39Ed, what do you think's really underneath your anger?
00:41Yeah, say it. Get it out. Get mad. Yell.
00:46No, just because you vicariously enjoy other people's anger doesn't mean you should prod them.
00:51I'm sorry.
00:57Also, you're not invisible.
01:02I think we all know what Ed's really angry about.
01:05Just get to the brown people, old man. It's always about the brown people.
01:09It's not about the brown people, brown girl.
01:12I just like commercials. I've cried twice in the last 20 years. One of them was about a commercial. It was the one with those puppies and that Chinese kid.
01:24I don't know whether they were trying to sell the puppies of the Chinese kid.
01:28But if that one don't get to you, you're a freaking robot.
01:34Hey, he fooled us. He went yellow people.
01:37No, no, no, no. This is good. Ed's finally expressing some vulnerability.
01:41It's peppered with racism.
01:44But therapy is a marathon, not a sprint.
01:46Well, either way, some kid from Kenya's gonna win it.
01:51Are you done?
01:52Good. Fine. My turn.
01:54Sorry, Patrick. We're gonna have to call it a day. Great session, gang.
01:57What?
02:01Well, we certainly learned a lot about Ed today, didn't we?
02:06That's the nature of a group. Next time, it'll be your turn.
02:08Oh, no, no, no. We don't need to talk about me. After all, there is no I in therapy.
02:12There's just a why. As in, why do I bother?
02:17Because of the P, which stands for the progress you're making, and the H, which stands for, hey, I'll see you next week.
02:23Hi, now.
02:25Hi.
02:25Hi. Am I allowed to say hi to him?
02:28No, no. Just ignore me. That's what we're doing today.
02:35Sorry, Charlie. I should have brought Sam in the back door. I forgot you were doing group at your house.
02:40You know, they look just like regular people.
02:43So do you.
02:43By the way, you owe me 20 bucks.
02:47For what?
02:48That's your half of the SAT prep books we just bought for Sam.
02:52SAT prep books?
02:53Mm-hmm.
02:55You're in middle school. You don't take that test for another four years.
02:57The competition is unreal.
02:59I read that Asian Americans only make up 5.6% of the population, but they make up 25% of the kids in the top 10 schools.
03:06Do you know how many times more likely they are to get into a good school than I am?
03:11No, but if I were an Asian kid, I could probably figure it out.
03:15Look.
03:15You want to stand down? Get some extracurricular activities. Start a club.
03:21Yeah, I was in a club in high school.
03:23Smoking in the bathroom is not a club.
03:26The vice principal said it was a club. He should know he was there.
03:31I have an idea. What about a college prep club?
03:34You and the rest of your nerd army can get together and talk about all the tests, the applications, the personal essays.
03:39Personal essays?
03:40What am I going to write about?
03:42The worst thing that's happened to me is you're a divorce and you guys insist on getting along.
03:45Listen, kiddo. Everything is going to be fine. When the time comes, you're going to be totally prepared to do what you need to do.
03:54You really think so?
03:55Nah, it's a load of crap my dad laid on me.
03:58Now I'm passing it on to you.
04:04Sam, you forgot a book.
04:05Oh, no, no, no, no. That's okay. I'll give it to you.
04:08I'll give it to you.
04:13Sabrina's sentence, surrender.
04:15It's yours, isn't it?
04:18It's a historical novel.
04:19Set against the backdrop of the Civil War.
04:22One woman's heroic journey to find true love and defend her land amidst the ashes of a bitter conflagration.
04:30No, that's gone with the wind.
04:33This is just a spank book.
04:35It is not a spank book.
04:37How about a little support?
04:39I'm just trying to broaden my horizons.
04:40Okay. Let's see how broad your horizons get in Chapter 2.
04:44Her breathing quickened as she felt his turgid manhood urge itself against her satin skirts.
04:52These weren't the soft hands of an aristocrat.
04:54They were the calloused hands of a man who knew the plow.
04:56And plow he does.
05:01Oh, give me that. You're making it dirty.
05:03It is dirty.
05:04Okay, you're making it creepy.
05:06All I'm saying is, why don't you read something worthwhile?
05:08There's so many great books you haven't read.
05:10Like, all of them.
05:11It's just harmless fun.
05:14Like all those women you were with when we were married.
05:18Wow.
05:18What are you reading?
05:19Just took a nasty turn.
05:23Let's start over.
05:26Oh.
05:27Just a historical novel about the Civil War.
05:29Good for you, Jen.
05:30Thanks, Charlie.
05:32I'm gonna tell you who wins.
05:33Oh, I know who wins.
05:35Every soldier who comes in contact with Sabrina.
05:37Sabrina.
05:41I know, it's just a stupid romance novel, but I can't let it go.
05:49Well, it's not unusual for a woman to be stimulated by reading.
05:53You know, men and women are wired differently.
05:55Men are visual, and women are, you know, smart.
06:01We're not only stimulated by dirty pictures.
06:04We're not that crude.
06:06If you're worried about me seeing your thighs, don't be.
06:08Last night, I used them as earmuffs.
06:11You know, I cannot wear this skirt to a televised trial.
06:15You know, I mean, I am whoring myself out as an expert witness,
06:18but I don't want to look like one of those hookers
06:20this whack job killed.
06:22Allegedly.
06:23Damn it.
06:23I have to remember to say allegedly.
06:25I remember to think twice about whack job as well.
06:29What is going on with me?
06:31Maybe a romance novel followed me as a child.
06:35More likely you're hostile towards these novels
06:37because they hold men to an unrealistic standard
06:39you feel you can't compete with.
06:41You know what?
06:42I think you're right.
06:47Why are you taking off your pants?
06:49So we can have sex.
06:51We don't have sex during sessions.
06:53I thought we were done.
06:54You used Allport's concept of expressive behavior
06:56to explain what I was doing.
06:58I had an epiphany.
06:59You got half naked, I got another epiphany.
07:01Carly, now that I'm your therapist
07:03and not just your sex buddy,
07:05we need to keep our sessions free of distractions.
07:07And for the record, it wasn't Allport.
07:10It was Harlow.
07:11Sure it was Harlow.
07:13We're talking about monkeys being raised by sock puppets.
07:16Otherwise, it was Allport.
07:18Why did they even let you graduate?
07:19It was Harlow.
07:20You ready to put your body where your mouth is?
07:23Paul, I wouldn't need you if I could do that,
07:26but you're on your own.
07:29Winner picks position.
07:31Done.
07:33You never learn.
07:35I guess Google wants you to do a reverse cowgirl.
07:39Okay, fine, you win.
07:40I don't care.
07:41Just help me figure out something to wear to the trial
07:43and then yeehaw.
07:46Sorry, gloating's over.
07:48There's a patient of mine who's a personal shopper,
07:50Patrick.
07:51I'll text you his number.
07:52He can't make you smarter than me,
07:54but he can make you look great.
07:56Oh, I guess the gloating wasn't over.
08:02So, we have to take as many AP classes as we can,
08:06because if we don't end up in the top fifth percentile,
08:09we fail in life.
08:11Who cares if I get into a good college?
08:13The only reason I'm going at all
08:14is so I can partake in underage drinking
08:16and have lots of protected consensual sex.
08:18Lots.
08:20This immature attitude is exactly what I want to rise above
08:23with this club.
08:24Sam, we know you're worried
08:26that you'll never have sex
08:27because of your OCD stuff,
08:29but it's okay.
08:30We'll all share our stories with you.
08:31You're right.
08:33I will never have sex.
08:36Because I've already made love.
08:39With who?
08:40You've never even been to camp.
08:42No.
08:43But I've been to my aunt Sabrina's horse farm,
08:48and that's where I met a stable boy named Beauregard.
08:51I called him...
08:53Bo.
08:57We were on vacation,
09:02and I decided to cool off in the lake.
09:07As I emerged,
09:09my moist skin glistened like diamonds in the moonlight.
09:12He approached.
09:13Was he wearing a condom?
09:14Yes.
09:16He was standing in the middle of the woods
09:17wearing nothing but a condom.
09:19You're an idiot.
09:21Then what?
09:22He pulled me to him,
09:24and I felt the...
09:26hard shape of his arousal.
09:29Then we rode back to the farm,
09:31and he encouraged me to take a lot of AP classes
09:34so that we could meet it again at a good college.
09:37That's so unfair.
09:38I went to my uncle's horse farm,
09:39and all I did was shovel crap all summer.
09:44Oh, hey, guys.
09:45Come on in.
09:47We can get started.
09:49I guess Patrick should be here any minute.
09:52What's Patrick even doing in this group?
09:55Passive-aggressiveness is not anger.
09:59My day we called it being on the rag.
10:03There are 12 major kinds of anger, Ed,
10:05and congratulations with your display
10:07of misogynistic homophobia.
10:09You've collected the whole set.
10:13Oh, come on, guys.
10:14We talked about this.
10:16You're supposed to turn your phones off before group.
10:18It's a text from Patrick.
10:19I got one, too.
10:20He's quitting group.
10:21What?
10:22Mine's ringing,
10:23but there's nobody on the other end.
10:25Oh.
10:26It's a text, you old man.
10:29Holy crap.
10:30I've got 70 of these things.
10:33I have Patrick quitting, all right?
10:36Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed,
10:39but I'm not surprised that Patrick would text everybody
10:42and leave me out.
10:43Classic passive-aggressive behavior.
10:46Oh.
10:47Here we go.
10:49Please tell Lacey, Nolan, and even Ed
10:52that I will miss them.
10:53Respectfully, Patrick.
10:55You didn't say respectfully, did he?
10:58Uh, let me check.
10:59No.
10:59No.
11:00Okay, how many of you were able
11:05to keep your kittens alive over the weekend?
11:12Okay, I guess we'll stop doing this one.
11:15We have a success story.
11:17We could use one of those.
11:18Why don't you tell us what happened?
11:20Well, see, our anniversary is coming up,
11:22so I made a nice, fresh batch of toilet wine,
11:24and I got some Little Debbie snacks,
11:26and my brother smuggled on some Coke
11:28to make the toilet wine seem good,
11:30and somebody stole my Little Debbie snacks.
11:33I see my baby so upset,
11:35almost sipped me into a blind rage.
11:37And the success story?
11:39Oh, yeah, whoa, whoa.
11:41But Cleo talked me down.
11:42I went through your steps,
11:44and we ended up having the best anniversary ever.
11:48See, it turns out that I had misplaced
11:50my Little Debbie's.
11:52That was in my ass the whole time.
11:56It's always the last place you look.
12:00You know, I'm going through something similar right now.
12:04I lost something,
12:05and I'm having some emotions about it.
12:07What'd you lose, boss?
12:08Actually, it was a patient from my private group.
12:11We worked together for years
12:12to get him to a better place,
12:13and he just up and left.
12:15And I'm feeling a little disrespected.
12:17I got a story that might help you out.
12:19A couple years ago, this girl left me.
12:21I felt totally disrespected.
12:23Turns out my friend stole her from me.
12:26It made me very angry.
12:28But I thought to myself,
12:30he's a good friend.
12:31He probably had a good reason.
12:33Long story short, I killed him.
12:37I killed them both.
12:38Thank you, Wayne.
12:44That is a terrifying story.
12:47Man, Charlie,
12:49in a game,
12:50somebody leaves,
12:52you track them down.
12:53But you'll never go to the house,
12:55because they're never going to show up at the house.
12:58You just burn that down.
13:00And go straight to they work.
13:02I can't go to his work.
13:04It's an invasion of privacy.
13:06It can jeopardize our confidentiality.
13:08But the whole left you.
13:14You know what?
13:15I'm going to go to his work.
13:16I deserve an explanation.
13:17Yeah.
13:18Then you kill him.
13:21Then you kill anybody who saw you.
13:23Hello, Patrick.
13:33Charlie.
13:35Well, this isn't wildly inappropriate,
13:37you showing up at my work.
13:40No one here knows who I am.
13:42I didn't come to embarrass you.
13:43Then why are you wearing that shirt?
13:46Now, goodbye, Charlie.
13:47I only talk to customers.
13:49If you think that's going to get rid of me,
13:50it's not.
13:51I'll buy a shirt.
13:53How about this one?
13:56Yeah, I got to stop wearing these anyway.
13:57They don't breathe.
13:59They stink.
14:01I think I'll just chuck it.
14:03I know why you're here, Charlie.
14:04And just so you know,
14:05my new therapist says
14:06the best thing to do
14:07is make a clean break.
14:09Is this about you feeling ignored
14:10at the last meeting?
14:11Because that was a conscious effort
14:12on my part not to...
14:14New therapist?
14:17Is it Kate?
14:18Look, I'm a challenging case.
14:20I just needed a different level
14:22of expertise
14:22or any expertise at all.
14:26Is it Kate?
14:28Now, this is really
14:28a better shirt for you.
14:29Now, you almost look professional.
14:32Come on.
14:33I know you're dying to tell me.
14:35But you won't
14:35because your pattern
14:36is to be manipulative
14:37in a hurtful way
14:38that allows you not to be
14:38called out on your anger.
14:39You know what?
14:40Kate doesn't do as much
14:40of the blah, blah.
14:44I knew it.
14:45She stole you.
14:47You were just supposed
14:47to dress her.
14:48That's it.
14:49And I did it brilliantly.
14:50The woman has boy hips
14:51and monkey arms
14:52and I made it work.
14:54You're making a mistake.
14:55You need to continue with me.
14:57Need?
14:57You have no idea
14:58what I need.
15:00Look, I will also say
15:01that Kate is a highly trained
15:02professional
15:03and certainly
15:03a most capable therapist.
15:06Now, if you'll excuse me,
15:07I have to go.
15:09I'm having dinner
15:10with the monkey arm bitch.
15:11Look, I got the good table.
15:19That's great.
15:21Did you steal it
15:22from somebody else?
15:24After they spent years on it
15:25trying to make it a better,
15:26more well-adjusted table?
15:28Okay, I know what you're thinking,
15:30but I would never do that to you.
15:31It was 100% Patrick's decision.
15:34I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
15:36That outfit is fabulous.
15:37It makes your arms look
15:38almost human.
15:41Are you feeling angry?
15:42Don't therapize me right now.
15:44We're talking as buddies.
15:45Oh, and buddy,
15:46that was a real dick move
15:47you pulled.
15:49Charlie, we're both professionals.
15:51People change therapists
15:52all the time.
15:53This is payback
15:54for me being right
15:55about the Alport thing.
15:56And by the way,
15:57you're completely undoing
15:58Patrick's therapy.
15:59So, ignoring him
16:01was therapy?
16:01Oh, so, yes it was.
16:04He was seeking attention
16:05in a passive-aggressive way
16:06and I wasn't going to reward that.
16:08What you're doing
16:09is going to make him
16:09completely backslide.
16:11Okay, I understand
16:12you are frustrated
16:13and I give you permission
16:15to physicalize your anger
16:16appropriately within the environment.
16:18You give me permission.
16:21I don't need permission
16:21to do this.
16:22No.
16:33If you could attack me
16:33with some salt necks
16:34that would be very helpful.
16:38You do understand
16:39this means war.
16:41I'm sorry,
16:42nothing compared
16:43to what you guys do.
16:45Thanks for that,
16:46by the way.
16:47This means
16:48intense conflict.
16:50Eh, it's not the same.
16:55God!
16:57That's what that means.
17:01Charlie,
17:04I need to talk to you.
17:05We have a problem.
17:07Why can't you ever
17:08come in here and say,
17:08Charlie, we have a solution?
17:11It's Sam.
17:12She's talking about sex
17:13during her college
17:14prep club meetings.
17:15Finally,
17:16some real college prep.
17:18Hope they come around
17:18to make a bong
17:19out of an apple
17:19and not to hump quietly
17:20in a bunk bed.
17:23Rule number one,
17:23always take the bottom bunk.
17:25Charlie,
17:26your daughter's talking
17:27about her own
17:28sexual encounters.
17:29But she hasn't had any.
17:30Well, according
17:31to the other parents,
17:32she's talking about
17:33swimming naked
17:34and loins
17:35and erections.
17:36Loins and erections?
17:37Sam!
17:39You know,
17:40if Sam's had sex,
17:41it certainly didn't
17:42happen on my watch.
17:43You know,
17:43I did drop her off
17:44at that skinny-dipping
17:45erection party last week.
17:46Was that bad?
17:49What's up?
17:51I'm in a prep club meeting.
17:52Sweeney,
17:53we've heard that
17:54you're telling
17:54all your friends
17:55that you're having sex.
17:56What's going on, Sam?
17:57One of the girls
17:58said that I was
17:59never going to have sex,
18:00so I made up a story.
18:01But don't worry,
18:02I'm going to wait
18:03until I'm 25,
18:04just like Mom did.
18:13Let's get back
18:14to the stuff
18:14Sam made up.
18:16It was just
18:17stuff I read.
18:18Uh-huh!
18:19You see what happens
18:20when you leave filth
18:21lying around the house?
18:22Hey, I don't have
18:23one single piece of filth
18:24in this house.
18:24I got rid of all that
18:25when I bought my nook.
18:27Mom, it was one
18:28of your books,
18:29Sabrina's Satin Surrender.
18:37Okay.
18:38Now we know
18:39where it came from.
18:39It's not the end
18:40of the world.
18:41Sorry.
18:42Look, this isn't
18:43about blame.
18:44You felt peer pressure
18:45to impress your friends.
18:46We all do that.
18:47I guess the only other
18:48thing I have to say
18:49is a-ha!
18:52Sam, go back
18:53and send your friends
18:54home for tonight.
18:55We'll talk about this
18:55when they're gone.
18:56Thank God it's over.
18:57Beauregard died
18:58like four chapters ago
18:59and all I've been doing
19:00is planting cotton
19:01and raising the kids.
19:06Maybe I should
19:07get a nook.
19:10So it is a turn-on.
19:12Yes.
19:13It's the way women
19:14wish they were treated.
19:15A woman loves it
19:17when the guy comes back
19:18and fights for her,
19:20sweeps her off her feet
19:21and takes her.
19:22Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
19:22So it's about making
19:23someone feel wanted
19:24with a dramatic display
19:25of intense emotion.
19:26Yes, Mr. Spock.
19:29He's doing it
19:30because he has to have her.
19:32It's about the passion,
19:33being overwhelmed.
19:34That's irresistible to women.
19:36But you'll never hear a girl
19:37say it because it sounds
19:38kind of rapey.
19:44Patrick.
19:45Charlie, what are you
19:46doing here?
19:47Kate's all wrong for you.
19:50I need you back
19:51and I need you back now.
19:51I don't think.
19:52Don't think.
19:53There's nothing
19:54but this moment.
19:55You are coming back
19:56to group.
19:57You will be in that chair
19:57tomorrow.
19:58And if you need
19:59extra attention,
19:59you'll pay me
20:00and we'll do a private.
20:02Okay.
20:04I'll see you in session.
20:06Wait, you're not even
20:07going to carry me off?
20:08I have a tendon
20:09from my ass and my knee
20:10and I don't want to test it.
20:11Hey.
20:12Hey.
20:12I just got a text
20:20from Patrick.
20:21I understand he's back
20:22with you and I'm okay
20:23with that.
20:24Good.
20:25You coming in?
20:26It's up to you.
20:28You know how much
20:28I hate apologizing
20:30and so here's the deal.
20:31You can either have me
20:32or you can have
20:32an apology.
20:34Can I have a peek
20:35under that coat?
20:36Only if you don't
20:38pick apology.
20:40Let me say,
20:41it's like nothing
20:41you've ever seen.
20:43Are we talking
20:43topiary?
20:45Piercing?
20:46Just pick sex.
20:47Well, not so fast.
20:48You're not going to
20:49sucker me into this one.
20:50As a matter of fact,
20:51since you offered
20:51the apology,
20:52I know you already
20:52feel that you were wrong.
20:53So I don't need
20:54an apology.
20:55I'll take you.
20:56Very nice.
20:57Pennington's theory
20:58of anticipatory reasoning.
21:01You did that on purpose,
21:02didn't you?
21:04What?
21:05Well, you said Pennington,
21:06but you know
21:06it's Wilmington.
21:08Okay, okay, fine.
21:10Pennington, I don't care.
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